Perhaps it was unwise, but everything was so uncertain that Dorian wasn't even sure it mattered at this point. So, after making sure there were no weapons in the vicinity, he allowed Elden to pull him back to his tent where they settled in for a few hours of rest. More importantly, it was a few precious hours together.
Elden pressed close, cheek resting against Dorian's chest, arms holding him tight. Dorian held him, fingers absently smoothing across his back as if it might soothe. While it didn't take Elden long to drop off to sleep, Dorian knew there would be no rest for him. Instead, he focused on the man in his arms, trying to memorize every part of him; the way he felt, the way he breathed in sleep, the smell of him, the way his heartbeat felt when they were pressed together so tightly like this.
How long did they have left together? Their lives were ones of constant peril. Even without everything that had happened, there was still a war going on, with Elden at the center. He'd gotten so very lucky so far, surviving time travel and avalanches and Archdemons. That luck would give out eventually. And now Dorian knew just how precariously they were holding on.
Sometimes it was easy to think Elden was invincible, the brave hero achieving impossible victories and saving the world. But Dorian had seen the way it left him broken and beaten. He'd tried so hard to be a balm for him, to support and protect Elden any way he could, and instead they'd ended up here, with Elden dying because of him. Dorian had failed and there was nothing he could ever do to make up for that betrayal.
Dorian wrapped his arms more securely around Elden, kissing his temple. He screwed his eyes shut tightly against the tears that threatened to fall and whispered his apologies into the unheading darkness. He didn't deserve a second chance, and yet here he was. It felt too dismissive to say he'd do better this time.
Given the glimpses of memories he'd regained at the cave, he'd obviously tried to fight back, but in the end he'd failed. What if he failed again? What if he was forced to turn on Elden once they found the Venatori? All he knew was, if it ever came to it again, he'd rather cut his own arm off than harm Elden again. He didn't want to lose him. He couldn't lose him.
There was never enough time. They hadn't even known each other for very long. Dorian was only just growing accustomed to Elden; the way he cared, the way he loved. Well, Dorian was as accustomed to it as was possible for Dorian. It was overwhelming and painfully genuine and always given so freely and generously. It was still terrifying and overwhelming at times, but he had come to crave it, to want to return it in equal measure and ensure Elden received just as much affection as he gave.
Dorian couldn't handle the hopelessness and the fear, the idea that he could be facing a future without Elden. He'd always accepted that Elden might eventually leave his side, but knowing he would cease to be? He was supposed to move on, find someone better, not this, never this. Was this truly to be his reward for everything he had done, everything he'd risked?
Dorian suddenly felt furious, tears still in his eyes as his arms around Elden became protective, possessive. He wasn't going to let him go without a fight. It was easier to be angry and he was going to make sure he avenged Elden tenfold no matter the outcome. He would tear the Venatori apart for doing this to them and he'd fight tooth and nail to see Elden through this safely whatever happened.
By the time Vivienne came to wake them and check on the Inquisitor, Dorian still hadn't slept. At least he'd manage to compose himself for the most part. The feel of Elden, face buried in his hair, feeling warm in his embrace, was a comfort, reassurance that he was still alive. For now, at least. He never wanted to move again, but the sooner they got going the more likely it was that they'd be able to save him.
Things were looking grim. He was obviously trying to hide it, but Elden continued to grow worse. They'd been stopping to rest more and more but they were all keenly aware of how dire the situation was. They still hadn't encountered any clues that might give them an idea of where the Venatori might be, if they hadn't already left the area entirely of course, and Dorian was beginning to grow frantic. There was a general gloom over the entire company as they trudged through the snow.
It was agony watching Elden's declining health, seeing how pale he had become, watching him stagger despite his usual stamina. He was having difficulty keeping food down and they'd left his armor behind at a scouting camp. It wasn't as if he would be able to fight anyway and it was only weighing him down.
Dorian still didn't trust himself completely but he took various precautions so he could remain close to Elden, to hold and comfort him as best he could. No matter what happened, he would not leave Elden to suffer this alone. Not that there was much he could actually do. It was agonizing only being able to watch but Dorian would give everything he could if it might help him in some small way. Or if it would ease his suffering for whatever time he had left.
No, he couldn't think like that. If nothing else, Dorian was skilled at ignoring the futile reality of such situations. For now he would simply wrap his arms around Elden as they sat by the fire in the evenings and pretend they might actually have a chance to survive this. And he would plan a revenge the likes of which had never been seen before if all else failed.
The first time Elden staggered and fell Dorian was fairly certain he himself stopped breathing. All he could do was stand there, watching as the others rushed to Elden's side. Dorian felt like his heart was in his throat, a cold terror that had nothing to do with the snow freezing him in place.
As they helped him up, he was smiling, trying to reassure them all that he was fine and it made Dorian furious that he was still more concerned about everyone else than himself. At least he was standing again. That allowed Dorian to breathe again, but it it did nothing for the tightness in his chest. Nothing ever would. He couldn't help but hold Elden even more tightly when they set up camp next, placing a kiss to his temple and hoping his desperate touch wasn't too obvious.
The snow fell heavier here, high up in the mountains. It was growing more and more difficult to trudge through and all of them were exhausted, but still Dorian pressed on, fueled more by desperation than anything. The others were lagging behind, assisting Elden when he couldn't walk on his own, so only Cassandra was within sight.
As he crested a hill, breathing hard, his lungs burning from the cold, he gazed around almost desperately at the mountains for anything that might help them, but it was all a formless white, the snowy mountains blending almost seamlessly with the cloudy sky above. He felt so helpless and angry, wanting to scream at the sky and tear these blasted mountains down.
"Dorian!" Cassandra called out to him as she approached, the wind nearly snatching her words away. "We should head back before we lose them."
Dorian glanced reluctantly back over his shoulder the way they'd come. It was agonizing, wanting desperately to search and never give up, but also wishing to remain at Elden's side. Cassandra dropped a hand on Dorian's shoulder which took him by surprise. Turning to her again he could see the concern etched into her face as well. Elden was her friend, of course she was worried about him. He'd been so wrapped up in everything that was happening that he forgot that he had help in this. The responsibility would always be squarely on his own shoulders, of course, but at least he had help with this.
With a heavy sigh he nodded. She was right, they should get back. It wouldn't do to divide the party and lose each other. He turned, his legs suddenly feeling heavy as the exhaustion caught up to him, adrenaline giving way to hopelessness as they gave up for the time being. They were walking back over their own tracks which made things a bit easier at least.
Something off to the side caught Dorian's eye; a glint in the snow. It was all blinding white, but this was different. He changed his course back into the heavy snow, trying to stop the surge of hope, it was probably nothing. He dropped to his knees and began rooting around in the snow until he pulled up a broken buckle, the leather torn, but there was no mistaking the pattern; it was Tevinter made.
"What is it?" Cassandra called. She had continued along the path a ways before she realized he'd stopped.
Dorian's hands were shaking as he hurried to his feet. He knew this didn't actually mean anything, Venatori were likely everywhere and there was no telling when this was dropped. And even if it was from the group they were searching for, it didn't tell them which way they'd gone. He began slogging through the snow towards Cassandra, but before he could say anything, he slipped.
Dorian thought he'd been getting better at navigating the precarious landscape, but apparently not. It was steep everywhere, and under the snow could be anything from loose rock to sheer ice. The snow here had been held up by little to nothing and with his added weight the ground finally collapsed, sending him falling. He had the broken strap in a death grip as if his life depended on not dropping it.
He acted more on instinct than anything. Thankfully he'd been using his staff for support as he walked instead of tied to his pack so he drove it into the ground, letting ice spread from the tip, freezing down into the ground as he slid. He closed his eyes tightly fearing it wouldn't work, or perhaps he'd trigger another avalanche that would simply wash him away, remembering how he'd been tossed about so effortlessly before, smashed across the ground. But no, after a tense moment, he slowed and stopped, a trail of solid ice leading from where he'd slipped all the way to where his staff was now held fast frozen into the ground.
He sighed in relief, but he wasn't out of the danger yet. He'd slipped down the slope where it was much steeper and any wrong move might snap the ice and send him tumblint again. Thankfully Cassandra hadn't exactly waiting around to see what he would do. She'd tied off a rope somewhere up above and was repelling down towards him.
As he waited for her, he decided it was best not to move. Instead, he glanced around, trying not to look down while also trying to get a good view of the area, and then he saw it. A formation of mountains that looked so painfully familiar. Agonizing pain shot through his entire body and nearly caused him to lose his grip as flashes of reawakened memory flickered in his memory, of knives and magic and who knows what else, but at least he managed to grit his teeth and hang on. But he'd found it. The mountains he'd glimpsed out of the cave he'd been held prisoner in. They were closer to finding the Venatori responsible.
"Are you hurt?" she asked urgently as she slid to a halt beside him, throwing the slack in the rope around his waist and tying it off.
Dorian shook his head and stuffed the strap into a pocket before accepting the hand she offered him. Then, very carefully, he extracted his staff from the ice. Cassandra pulled out her daggers and handed him one and they proceeded to use them to climb back up. Each time he buried the dagger into the snow and ice, he had a terrible vision of it coming unstuck sending them tumbling backwards, but they had the rope now as insurance and somehow, after what felt like years, they finally made it to the top.
"That was a bit too close," Dorian said, handing the dagger back after Cassandra had untied the rope and coiled it back up into her bag. "Let's not do that again."
"Agreed," Cassandra said with a little laugh and it was pleasant to hear. "I imagine I'll need new daggers after this."
"Yes, I can't imagine that was particularly good for them."
"What did you find?" Cassandra asked.
Dorian pulled out the strap and held it up. "I'd recognize the fashion sense anywhere, it's Tevinter, which means Venatori," he explained, before fumbling in his pocket for the bit of paper he'd torn from his book with his drawing of the mountains, the one studied every chance he got. "And we nearly passed right by. The angle is off so I almost didn't even notice, we just need to go north!"
"Good, we're close," Cassandra said and she looked just as eager to wreck her revenge as he did. "Let's get back to the others."
They couldn't exactly run through the heavy snow, but they did their best, with Dorian leading the way, too excited to deliver the news. When the others came into view, though, Dorian's heart nearly stopped. They had all gathered close together and Dorian sped up at the sight, suddenly unable to breathe, panic threatening to overwhelm him.
When he was close enough, the Iron Bull raised a hand to reassure him which Dorian was infinitely grateful. He came to a sliding halt, surveying the scene. Elden was on the ground, slowly sitting up with Blackwall's help and he looked so disoriented and confused, like he was barely hanging on. Vivienne pressed a bottle to his lips and had him drink before looking up at Dorian and Cassandra.
"He's been feeling light headed," Vivienne explained. "Took a bit of a tumble and was out for a bit, but he should be fine now."
Dorian approached slowly and knelt beside him, taking Elden's hand in his own. Elden tried to give him a reassuring smile but he looked so exhausted. Standing, Blackwall dropped his pack and began pulling out the tents. It was obvious they would be going no further for the time being after all. Cassandra and the Iron Bull assisted him, but Dorian couldn't bring himself to move and just sat there, squeezing Elden's hand and wondering how much time they had left.
