Not Dreaming
A/N: This sort of just…became today, so don't expect it too be anything that great. And if it's not clear yet, the prologue is the 'future' and the chapters are what happened before that. Just clearing that up to avoid unnecessary confusion.
Chapter 2. Christmas Wishes
It was the weekend before Christmas and Rory was sitting at the counter in Luke's diner, casting nervous glances out the door every few seconds. What if he didn't come? Had she ruined things before they even started? She cast another hopeful glance at the street and sighed when he didn't magically appear. When she turned around again she was met by Luke's questioning gaze. He obviously knew something was up and had tried to find out what it was, but she had evaded the subject. She didn't want to tell him what had happened, in fact she didn't want to even think about it, but that just wasn't possible.
He had called her two weeks earlier and apparently he had picked up on something in her voice because he had wanted to know if everything was okay. And then he had asked if he could help her with whatever it was and that's when something inside of her had snapped.
"I don't want your help ever again," she had told him. "Just leave me alone, you've done plenty already."
She had regretted the words almost before they left her mouth, but before she could say something else she had heard his sharp intake of breath. "Okay then," he had said and she could hear the hurt in his voice, not masked well enough. With his next words all his walls were up. "Sorry if my concern offended you, don't worry, it won't happen again." And then the line went dead.
She had stood frozen in place for what seemed like an eternity after that, not really believing what had just happened. Why had she done that? How could she have been so stupid? He had been acting like the friend she hoped he was and she had taken out all of her frustrations on him without any reason what so ever. He didn't even have anything to do with her bad mood, he just happened to call at the worst possible time.
The day before, after three weeks of no contact at all Rory had run into Logan while paying a visit to Yale, to clear up some things about her return in the spring. Although 'run into' probably wasn't the right expression since he had turned around and pretended he didn't see her as soon as he had noticed her. She had stood in the hallway staring after him, trying to interpret the look on his face. Was it guilt? It could be, but she wasn't sure. The only thing she knew was that she didn't know what it meant. She wasn't even sure she wanted to know. She wasn't sure she was really that interested.
When she thought about it she didn't know when he had been on her mind the last time. Backtracking she realized it must have been two days ago. And then it was only because she had seen the bag he bought her lying in her closet.
As soon as that thought crossed her mind she started questioning herself. Wasn't she supposed to be thinking about her boyfriend? Shouldn't she wonder where he was, what he was doing, if he was okay, if he was thinking about her? Hadn't she told him she loved him not too long ago? Didn't that entitle some sort of interest in his whereabouts? Did she love him? Actually she wasn't that sure at the moment. Could she love someone she didn't really know?
Well, now she knew where he was. Or at least where he was 5 minutes ago. And he was obviously okay, at least physically. She had just seen him walk away from her, rather swiftly. What he was doing she wasn't so sure about or if he was thinking about her for that matter. Come to think of it, he would almost have to be thinking about her now; there was no way he couldn't be after disappearing like that.
She was brought out of her thoughts rather abruptly as someone slammed into her from behind. After regaining her footing and taking a last look at where Logan had disappeared she decided that Yale was more important at the moment. After the past three weeks Logan could wait another hour or so. With new resolve she continued on her way to the dean's office, determined to seek out Logan and sort out things between them once and for all when everything else was taken care of.
She had tracked him down that night. After her meeting with the dean she had gone over her feelings thoroughly and her conclusion had been that this couldn't possibly be love. During the last couple of weeks she had almost had to force herself to think of him and that couldn't be a good sign. Now she just had to decide what to do about it. Her conclusion had been that she needed to see him in order to make that decision.
When she found him he had been sitting in a bar in Hartford, happily chatting with two girls, one of whom was comfortably seated on his lap. And he had been drunk, not that that was anything new. For a moment she had just been standing there, watching him in disbelief. Then she had grown angry, at him for treating her like he did and at herself for actually believing he would change for her. And the small part of her that still wanted to be with him had finally disappeared. She had marched up to him, determined to end this obviously sorry excuse for a relationship.
"Did I miss the memo? Or did you just not bother telling me we broke up?" she asked him, anger lacing every word. Without giving him time to react she continued, "You know what, don't bother, I'll do it for you. We're over, have fun!" And with that she turned around and left the bar.
She had gone directly home, feeling numb, and evaded all of Lorelai's concerned questions. Drained from too much emotion she had slumped into bed. She hadn't slept that good though. The next day she had stayed at home, wallowing over yet another failed relationship. She wasn't really sure if she was wallowing over the fact that she had lost Logan or the fact that she didn't care more than she did. She had alternated between anger and crying for a couple hours when Jess had called.
At that moment the anger had pervaded. And that might just have ruined their new found friendship. After he hung up she had tried calling him several times, but he hadn't picked up. She had even tried calling from the diner, hoping he would answer calls from Luke. But he had never been there, or he just didn't answer the phone.
According to plan he should have been there 15 minutes ago and Rory was getting more and more frantic with every second. Luke had looked at her strangely when she had asked him if there had been any change in the plans, but assured her that he at least wasn't aware of anything. That eased her mind for about two seconds before she started worrying again. What if he had just decided not to tell Luke that he wasn't coming? And that took her back to the nervous glances out the door.
Another 15 minutes went by and now she was having problems sitting still. She had just thought of another thing to worry about. How would he react to her being in the diner when he arrived? She had no idea and she was a bit afraid to find out, afraid to see his expression, afraid of what it would tell her.
The next time she turned around she panicked. His car had just stopped in the street outside the diner. She didn't know what to do anymore, what she was doing here, how to act when he came in through that door. She was frozen in place, not able to breathe, no less move. Then the door opened and he stood in front of her. And all she could do was stare at him. There was no smile this time, only a guarded look in her direction before he was greeted by a happy Luke.
She saw them hug and then how he started turning towards the stares with a 'Hi' and one last glance at her and she couldn't take it anymore. She jumped off the stool, almost falling in the process, and hurried over to intercept him. Before he had a chance to react she was hugging him fiercely, not able to hold her tears back. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," she sobbed over and over again into him and finally felt his arms around her, unsure at first, but tightening their hold after a few seconds.
He didn't know what to do when she threw her arms around him. That was definitely not the reaction he had expected from her. He wasn't sure what he had expected, but this was definitely not it. And then she started crying and mumbling something into his chest. At first he couldn't make out what she was saying, but then he caught something that sounded like 'sorry'. He slowly lifted his arms from his sides, dropping his bag in the process and held her to him. After a while, when she didn't seem to be thinking about letting go for quite some time, he tightened his hold of her and leaned his cheek against her head.
As they stood there he tried to make out the meaning of her sudden outburst. He assumed it had something to do with the phone call two weeks prior. After he had hung up the phone that day he had gone out of the apartment to get some air and cool off. He had thought they were starting to become friends again and definitely not been prepared for her flare-up. And he had certainly not been prepared for the feelings it evoked in him. He had tried and occasionally even managed to put his visit at Yale behind him, but suddenly he had been back there, feeling like he just lost everything. He didn't like that feeling, not at all. And he hadn't been sure he wanted to think about what it meant this time. It was too painful.
There had been 15 unanswered calls by the time he had gotten back home five hours later. Most of them from Rory, but there had also been three from Luke. At first he had been about to call him back, but thought better of it after realizing he would need at least one night's sleep to clear his head. He had therefore spent a sleepless night alternating between tossing and turning in his bed and pacing around the apartment. At five in the morning he had given up and tried to get some work done. It hadn't helped much and an hour later he had still been staring at the same page as when he started.
He had finally given up and called Luke at the diner, rightly assuming Luke would be there. He had been determined to find out if Luke knew what was up with Rory. He needed some kind of explanation for the way she acted and he hadn't been able to call her. After some awkward small talk that neither he nor Luke was very good at and some creeping around in the bushes he had finally just asked him.
As usual Luke hadn't known much, but apparently Lorelai had been at the diner getting massive amounts of coffee and grumbled something about 'Worthless rich scum' and dismemberment. And a couple hours later a crying Rory had stormed into the diner begging to use the phone in the apartment.
Obviously something had happened between Rory and Logan and somehow that had made him feel a lot better. There was at least a chance that her attack hadn't been totally serious, or completely about him. He still hadn't been able to make himself call her. Even though the phone call might not have had anything to do with him it still hurt. So he waited.
And now they were hugging in the diner. He wasn't really comfortable with the location, but he couldn't deny that it felt good to hold her. After a few minutes Rory seemed to have calmed down a bit. He lifted his head in search of Luke and found him standing behind the counter looking at them. He gestured upstairs and Luke nodded back. Beginning to entangle his arms from Rory he once again felt her hold of him tighten.
"Maybe we should get out of the diner," he suggested to her quietly, hoping she would agree. He was definitely growing uncomfortable standing there with people watching.
At the sound of his voice she jumped a little. She nodded, but didn't look up. He managed to loosen his hold on her and steered her towards the stairs, guiding her up to the apartment. Once inside he sat them down on the couch. Neither of them spoke, Rory too occupied gathering her thoughts and Jess not really sure what to say.
"I thought I'd lose you again," she finally started, breaking the silence. She spoke quietly, not sure if she wanted him to hear her, but at the same time needing to say it.
"You never really lost me," he told her.
She looked up at him at that, trying to decipher the meaning behind those words, but he sat looking down at his hands. "I was stupid and mean and you didn't deserve that. It had nothing to do with you in the first place. You just called on a really bad day and I couldn't handle it and…"
"I know," he told her, interrupting her rant and glancing at her out of the corner of his eye. "Luke kinda told me what happened, or at least his interpretation of Lorelai's grumblings," he explained when he saw her surprised look. "I'm sorry," he added quietly.
"I tried to call you, but you never picked up," she said, deciding to ignore the rest for the moment.
"I know," he repeated with a sigh, looking down again, avoiding her gaze.
"I wanted to apologize," she continued. "But I couldn't, because you never answered your phone. Why didn't you answer, you didn't even pick up when I called from here?"
"I went out," he answered. "I had to think."
"Why didn't you call me back?" she asked again. "If you knew I didn't mean it, why didn't you call me back?"
He sighed, raking his hand through his hair. "I couldn't," he said finally. "It was…" he trailed off, not really sure he wanted to continue.
"It was what?" She knew she should probably let it go, but she couldn't, she wanted to know.
He got up from the couch, walked over to the kitchen and leaned against the counter. Taking a deep breath he decided that this was as good a time as any to get everything out. He didn't really see a way out of it anyway. "It felt too much like my visit at Yale," he finally told her looking up to meet her gaze. "And I didn't know how to handle that."
"Oh," she managed. "I… I'm…" she started, but didn't know what to say.
"It's just…that's one experience I really wanted to just forget and then…this happened and I couldn't pretend I had forgotten it anymore. And I didn't think that talking to you at the moment was the best way to deal with it." He took a deep breath and went silent, not sure if it had been a good idea to bring that up after all.
"So you decided to just ignore me? Let me think you didn't want to have anything to do with me?" she asked, not sure why she was getting mad.
"No, of course not! I didn't want to make it worse and had I called you, that's exactly what would have happened." He was getting frustrated now. He was starting to regret trying to talk, it never worked.
"So that's your answer to every problem? Don't deal with them? Then they'll solve themselves? 'Cause that worked so well in the past." It all just became too much. There had been too much happening in the past weeks and she felt all the pent up emotions turn into anger.
"Don't you think I regret everything I did wrong? That I didn't deal with it then? Don't you think I've tried to think of a way to make up for that? But you know what? I can't! Whatever I do it won't change anything and it's never going to be enough. And I'm never going to be very good at dealing with that!"
He turned around, facing the wall and gripped the counter hard with both hands as if to steady himself. Suddenly he felt drained. He wasn't prepared for this talk, not at all; until just recently he hadn't actually believed it would ever happen. And now that it had it had proved to be just as painful as he thought it would.
She watched him from the couch, suddenly feeling all the anger seeping out of her. She wanted to keep shouting at him, but as she watched him she realized that maybe screaming at each other wasn't the way to go.
"I think I hated you for a while after you left," she said quietly. When he kept silent she continued. "I tried just shutting it out and it worked for a while. There were so many other things going on that kept my mind occupied. First there was Europe, then I started Yale and after a while I thought I'd left it all behind me. And then you came back and everything I'd tried to bury resurfaced and I didn't know how to deal with that, 'cause I had never really dealt with it before. And then you just left again, leaving me to try to sort everything out once more. Then, just as I had managed to get you out of my head again, you came back yet again. And I still had no idea how to handle it. You just…" She stopped, taking a breath, trying to decide how to end that sentence.
"I'm sorry," she heard him say just as she was going to speak again.
She glanced up at him. He still stood with his back to her and she saw how tense his shoulders were, saw his grip on the counter. Then he turned around and looked at her with a pained look in his eyes that he obviously wasn't trying to hide.
"I never meant to hurt you, you know," he said. "Everything just kind of happened and I didn't seem to have any control over it. And just so you know, that visit to Yale was definitely not supposed to go that way. I never meant to ask you to leave everything behind, but I didn't know what to say and everything went wrong again."
"I still ended up leaving," she said sadly, looking down at her hands. She felt tears starting to gather in her eyes again, but didn't bother wiping them away. A moment later she felt him beside her.
"But you're back again," he said and sat down beside her. He hesitated a moment before reaching out a hand and gently lifting her chin. "That's what's important, right?" he asked her with a small, trying smile.
She nodded and smiled back through her tears before hugging him again. It felt good being in his arms she noticed as he hugged her back. She had been too occupied crying the last time to really notice, but she definitely did now. And she found herself not wanting to let go.
They did let go when they heard someone walk up the stairs. The footsteps came closer and were followed by Luke appearing in the still open doorway. He gave them a questioning look, taking in their close proximity and the tears still apparent on Rory's face. After a few seconds without anyone talking he proceeded to carry Jess' bag over to his old bed. He grunted something about coming down to eat and left the apartment with one last wary glance.
They had talked some more after that, both trying to get the slightly uncomfortable feeling to disappear. After switching to the safe subject of books things settled down a bit. Rory went to freshen up and they went down to eat, the uncomfortable feeling almost gone.
The following days went by fast and soon it was the day before Christmas. They hadn't seen much of each other during the past week. Rory had started working at the Eagle Gazette and been out last minute Christmas shopping with Lorelai and Jess had found himself once again working in the diner. He wasn't exactly sure how that happened, but he didn't complain too much. In the evenings they talked in the diner while Jess worked, or at least appeared to be working, and Rory drank lots of coffee.
"You never told me why you've been here this past week," Rory suddenly said, looking up from her coffee. She had wondered why he would be there the whole week before Christmas since he told her. From her knowledge this wasn't exactly his favorite place in the world.
"Um…I didn't?" he questioned. "Must have slipped my mind," he said with a smirk. The smirk grew into a smile when Rory glared at him. "Okay, okay, I'll tell you," he said, raising his hands as if to surrender. "I'm having my apartment repainted, and the thought of living in the work zone didn't sound that appealing," he said, shrugging a bit, but still smiling. "This was the most logical alternative."
He went to take an order before Rory had a chance to respond. She sat there smiling at the thought that it almost sounded like he wanted to be there. And that thought inevitably lead to her thinking that she really wanted him to be there. Things somehow seemed complete. She always loved Christmas, but this one would be even better and that was because of him.
Like the Christmas when they had just started dating. They had snuck away to the bridge to get a moment alone. And for a while everything had been perfect. They had exchanged gifts there. Books, what else? And they had sat beside each other, his arm around her, sharing a book and once in a while a kiss. Okay, there had been more than a few kisses. To be honest there had probably been more kissing than reading.
She blushed when she realized where her thoughts had drifted off to. She looked over at him and found him looking back at her with a smirk on his face. A smirk that once again turned into a smile when he saw her looking back at him and she thought that he actually looked happy. It's going to be a great Christmas she thought to herself as she smiled back.
