Not Dreaming
A/N: I've done as much research as I could and had the energy to about the things in this story, but since I've never been outside Europe my knowledge of USA in general is mostly what you see in movies and on TV. New York is a big mystery to me, so please just go with it if there are some things that are slightly wrong. Big stuff I'm grateful if you point out.
This would have been way too long put in one chapter so I'm dividing it up. I'm glad the last chapter obviously made sense to everyone. Hopefully this will too.
Chapter 5. NY Stories Pt. I
She was sitting on a bench in Port Authority, reading a book and waiting for him to appear. He was late, but she had seen the traffic outside, so she wasn't concerned yet. Looking up from her book she watched all the hurrying people milling around her. It made her tired just to look at them. Shaking her head she continued to read her book, smiling as she read the notes in the margins.
She was almost through the book when she noticed someone stop in front of her. She quickly looked up and almost threw the book away before jumping up and throwing her arms around him.
"I believe someone missed me," he said and she could hear the laughter in his voice as he almost staggered backwards before catching her in his arms.
She didn't answer, only pulled back enough to kiss him. He responded eagerly, tangling one hand in her hair and using the other to pull her closer. Her hands, as if having their own life, found their way up to his hair. She smiled through the kiss as she remembered that they always used to end up there.
"Is this answer enough for you," she asked, pulling away just enough to smile up at him.
"Maybe," he said and smirked at her before pulling her close again, capturing her lips in another kiss. They eventually pulled apart slightly, both smiling and breathing a bit faster than normal.
"Hi," she said after a while, fiddling with a lock of hair above his ear.
"Hi," he echoed, smiling at her concentrated look.
"We should do this more often," she said, looking into his eyes again. "Talking on the phone isn't nearly as good as this."
"I know," he said and kissed her again.
Half an hour later they were just sitting down in a restaurant or diner or whatever it was supposed to be. She had no idea. And even less of an idea where they were. When they had finally managed to pull away from each other they had gonet out of the crowded bus terminal. With a firm grip on his hand she had simply followed him as he guided them through the busy streets. She had said something about being hungry and they had ended up here, in a rather small and cozy place that obviously served food.
As she sat there trying to decide what to order she realized she actually had no idea what they were doing in New York in the first place. She hadn't really asked anything when he asked if she wanted to go away with him for a while over spring break. She didn't even know if they were going to stay in the city or go somewhere else. The only thing that seemed important was that they would be spending the week together, just the two of them.
She looked up form her menu and found him watching her with an unreadable expression that almost immediately turned into a smile. She was just about to ask him what he was thinking about when a waitress came up to their table. Everything else momentarily forgotten she astonished the girl by ordering a pot of coffee and enough food for three, in addition to his more normal order.
"Poor girl," she heard him say when the waitress had left their table, a hint of amazement in his voice. "Did you see her face? That was priceless."
She smiled proudly at him and he couldn't hold in his laughter any longer. They smiled at each other and she reached over the table to pull him over to her side. Complying, he got up from his seat and sat down next to her, keeping her hand in his under the table. The waitress was even more amazed when they left forty five minutes later with only a few leaves of lettuce still on the plates.
From there he led her to a subway entrance and they boarded the first random train to arrive. To her it was random anyway, but he seemed to know where they were going. She tried several times to get him to tell her where they were going, but he never gave in. She finally stopped trying and pouted up at him for a while until he kissed her. She stopped pouting and started smiling. The subway was just like she remembered it; crowded, loud and shaky. But it gave her a perfect excuse to hold on to him, so she didn't complain.
They emerged on a random street some other place in the maze that New York was to her. They only walked half a block before he stopped in front of a building and smiled at her before going inside. She followed a bit curious as to where they were going. They took the elevator and went up to the fifth floor where he pulled out a key and opened a door.
"Okay, now I'm confused," she said, looking around inside. "Don't tell me you have an apartment here too."
"Okay, I won't," he said, smirking at the warning glare she shot at him. "No, it's not mine," he said after a moment. "I still know some people in this city. The owner of this place is sort of an old friend. He's out of town and he's letting me borrow it for a couple days," he continued with a shrug, walking closer to her.
"So, we're staying in the city then?" she asked, trying once again to get him to tell her what they were doing here.
"Sounds that way," he said and smiled at her, now standing right in front of her. He put one arm around her and used his other hand to pull her hair away from her neck before kissing her lightly right below her ear. "That okay by you?" he asked and continued to trail kisses down her neck.
"Um…I…okay…" she managed to breathe out, suddenly feeling limp in his arms. She closed her eyes and held on to him, a soft moan escaping her.
"Good," he smiled and left a last kiss on her yaw line. "So, it does work after all," he said, looking at her again and smiled at her disappointed look as he stopped.
"No fair," she exclaimed after a second, pouting up at him and trying to look offended, but failing as a smile started tugging at the corners of her mouth. Looking into his eyes she couldn't possibly be angry with him. Reaching a hand up to his neck she tangled her fingers in his hair and leaned in to kiss him.
The apartment was rather big she noticed when she went to look around later. There were photos scattered all around it, on the walls, drawers, tables. Most of them seemed to be of the same people, a man and a woman and what looked like their two children. The photos where obviously taken during at least fifteen years according to the growth of the children. In some of them there was an old man who looked like an older version of the man.
"Who are these people?" she asked him, getting more and more curious as she looked around. "And who is the owner of this place? And don't say he is 'sort of a friend', 'cause that's not an answer." Then she spotted something in one of the photos that she definitely wasn't prepared for. It was a picture of the old man from the other photos and what looked very much like a younger version of Jess, standing together in front of a big building. "And why are you in this picture?" she asked, taking it up from the table where it stood and turning towards him.
"Huh, I didn't know he still had that," he said looking down on the framed picture in her hand. He dragged a hand through his hair and looked up at her. "That is Sam, he is the 'sort of friend' and the other people are his son and his family," he said then in answer to her first questions, looking like he was pondering something.
She kept silent, waiting for him to continue, not wanting to push him. She knew how much that used to help. After a while he took the picture from her hand and looked at it again before setting it down in its place on the table. He took her hand and led her over to a couch in the other end of the room and sat them down.
"That photo was taken right after I'd won a writing competition in 6th grade," he began, not looking at her, but still holding her hand in his. "Sam owns a second-hand bookshop a couple blocks away. It was right around the corner from our apartment back then. I think I walked in there the first time when I was four. He found me when he was closing the store, asleep on the lowest shelf in a bookcase somewhere in the back with a thick book as a pillow. I refused to tell him where I lived, so he let me stay there until the police came to get me. It wasn't the first time they did that. I kept coming back there after that and after the police explained the situation he let me stay. When there weren't any customers in the store we sat in an old armchair and he taught me how to read."
"It sounds as if he liked you," she said when he didn't continue. She didn't really know what to say, she was too busy trying to grasp the little pieces of information he had given her. She had no idea what to make of the fact that he obviously had been used to walking around alone in New York when he was four. At that age she had barely been allowed to be out of Lorelai's sight. The fact that he just as obviously had been in contact with the police numeral times at that age was even harder to grasp.
She was also a bit surprised that he had told her so much and that he didn't seem to mind doing it. He must have known she would ask questions when he brought her here. And yet he had done just that. She suddenly realized that he wanted to tell her. Was that why they were here in the first place?
She reached out her free hand and turned his face towards her. He didn't resist and finally looked at her. She searched his eyes for some kind of answer, but he seemed to be deep in thought. Trying to catch his attention she leaned in and kissed him softly. After a moment he closed his eyes and kissed her back eagerly.
"Where did you disappear to?" she whispered when he pulled away, cradling his cheek in her hand. He leaned into her touch, eyes still closed.
"Nowhere really," he said opening his eyes and meeting her gaze.
"Why this sudden urge for sharing?" she asked then, hoping he would continue. She wanted to know more, to get an insight in his life before she met him. There was so much she didn't know, so much he kept secret.
"You wanted to know why I ended up in Stars Hollow," he said, eyes still locked on hers and his free hand playing with a strand of her hair. "I thought you'd like a background and this seemed like a good place to start."
"Is that why we're here?" she asked, shivering slightly when his fingers trailed along her temple.
"Sort of," he said, smiling slightly at her reaction. "I decided on my way home from your dorm that you had a right to know. I just had to get enough courage to actually begin. And some sort of starting point. This seemed to be the best I could come up with."
"You don't have to…" she started but was cut off.
"I know. But you want to know," he said, smiling at her, a real smile this time.
"I do," she said, nodding slightly. "But I don't want to make you to feel like you have to."
"You're not," he said as he leaned in to kiss her again. She let her hand move to his neck and deepened the kiss, losing herself in the feeling for a moment.
"I want to see the bookstore," she mumbled against his lips. She felt him smile and deepen the kiss again. She didn't mind, only pulled him closer to her.
"Where exactly are we?" she asked him when they, hand in hand, walked out of the building again an hour later. He laughed at her question, released her hand to put his arm around her waist and pull her close to him.
"We'll take a detour and I'll show you," he said and turned left at the next street corner. "I think you'll recognize some things pretty soon."
She looked around curiously in search of something familiar, but didn't see anything. Until they had passed two blocks that is. Then she saw something green around the corner and soon they were in clear sight of a park. And not just any park. The park she had skipped school to find. The park where she had found him sitting on a bench, reading a book by Tom Wolfe, almost four years ago.
"I like this place," she said and placed a kiss on his cheek.
"You did skip school to come here," he agreed. "I actually haven't been here in over a year."
"Come on then, we should visit," she said, starting to pull him with her over the street. They walked into the park and sat down on a bench overlooking the big fountain.
"This was like a second home for a long while," he said suddenly. "Or a third if you count the bookstore. I could sit here for an entire day except that most times I only had one book with me, so I had to get a new one sometime. Then there were days when the whole park seemed to be overtaken by the circus. I hated those days. Everyone was so happy and cheery and I couldn't stand it. It was so far from everything I knew."
He stopped and she searched for something to say, but glancing over at him and seeing the far away look on his face she decided to stay quiet. Instead she moved a bit closer to him and leaned her head on his shoulder. She felt his arm drape over her shoulders and his hand start to play with her hair and smiled to herself. She took his other hand in hers and waited for him to continue.
"I don't think I was home more than to sleep for a couple hours a day after I turned 13. Sometimes I didn't come home for a week and Liz didn't even seem to notice. She was either out herself or too drunk or stoned to care either way. Usually with one of her boyfriends, or husbands, if they managed to get married before he took off. Each time one of them left she tried to change her habits, quit drinking and actually go out and buy food. But it never lasted more than a week or so. When I was ten she found a bag of weed in my room and spent fifteen minutes lecturing me on how wrong it was to do drugs, not realizing I had found it in the kitchen and hid it from her."
"She could never keep a job so we rarely had any money. I think I was six the first time I shoplifted. It was some kind of canned food, 'cause it was small enough to hide and wouldn't rustle. I remember it tasted awful, but I was so hungry I didn't care. I hadn't eaten anything other than a week old sandwich in two days. After a while I got better at it and could take things I'd actually want to eat.
"I think the day I started school was one of the happiest days of my life. Ironic I know, but it's true. I finally had a reason not to be at home. And I could actually eat as much as I wanted for lunch without having to worry if I would have anything to eat the next day. And the teachers were impressed that I could already read and write."
She sat quietly and listened to him talk. She wanted to hug him and never let go, but she knew he wasn't looking for any kind of sympathy. He talked as if he was telling a story that had nothing to do with him. She didn't know if that was some kind of defense mechanism for dealing with it or if it was how he actually felt about it.
They sat there for almost an hour as he told her more about his childhood – if you could call it that. She noticed he didn't tell her anything that happened after he started high school, apart from that first comment about the park. She concluded that something must have happened around that time and she longed to know what it was. But she kept quiet and listened to stories mixed together in no special order and seemingly without connection.
She smiled as he told her about the writing competition and how happy he had been when Sam was there and congratulated him. She tightened her hold on his hand when he told her about the first of his mother's boyfriends who thought it was fun to beat someone up when he was drunk. She couldn't help but laugh at the picture of a ten year old Jess sitting in a big armchair in a cramped bookstore reading Hemingway. And she frowned when he told her how sick he had been after experimenting with his mother's stash of alcohol when he was seven.
He finished with telling her about the first girl he had ever kissed. He had been nine and she was the girl in school that no guy dared talk to without first being spoken to. He had lost a bet on something and the punishment had been to kiss her. He almost laughed when he told her about the other guys admiring looks as he had gone straight up to her and kissed her. And he actually laughed when he added that his eye had been blue for almost a week after she punched him.
"Come on, we should get going before the bookstore closes," he said after a minute of silence and started to stand up. He didn't get that far though as she was still holding on to his hand and pulled him down again.
"You just told me all that stuff and now you're just getting up and going on like nothing happened?" she asked him astonished, looking at him in disbelief.
"I… I'm not good at this sort of thing, you know that," he said, closing his eyes for a moment. "I don't want you to sit here and feel sorry for me or something like that. I just thought that since I know practically everything about you life you should know something about mine. And that if I told you it might make you understand why I deal with things the way I do."
"I won't tell you I'm sorry," she said and smiled slightly. "I just thought you would like to talk about it or something. I don't know what I thought really. I just… How can you be so calm about all of this?" she asked finally. "I felt like you were reading me another book. Except you would have done that with more feeling for the story."
"Because being angry never solved anything," he told her. "You should know that, you know what I got from being angry. It happened and of course I wish it didn't, but I can't do anything about that now, so why dwell on it? I did that for way too long and it only made me lose even more. Dwelling on it made me disappoint Luke and hurt you, the only people I've ever truly loved."
He stopped abruptly and looked away from her, feeling like he said too much. He heard her breathe in sharply beside him and then he felt her hand on his cheek, turning his head back to her. Before he could react she was kissing him. He closed his eyes and kissed her back, savoring the feeling of her lips against his, her body in his arms and the emotions it brought up inside of him.
"Thank you for telling me," she said when they pulled apart, her eyes locked on his. "It means a lot to me," she whispered smiling and kissed him softly.
"You're welcome," he said and raised his hands to cup her face before kissing her again.
They went to the bookstore that night and spent an hour browsing before it was time for closing. Both ended up buying a couple new books and he promised they would come back the next day to look around more. Walking back to the apartment they unconsciously kept as close to each other as possible.
They ordered pizza and sat the rest of the night on the couch and watched old movies, her snuggled up against him. Finally she couldn't hold in her yawns any more and reluctantly got up to go to bed. She got the guest room and he, again, used the couch in the living room. She wanted to protest, but didn't think he would listen. Instead she went to bed and lay there, suddenly unable to fall asleep, and thought about everything she had learned about him today.
She still didn't know how to feel about it all. Instinctively she wanted to follow her first impulse and hold him forever. But as before she realized that he didn't need that. Her second thought was to call Lorelai and tell her, but she soon dismissed that too. He would definitely not want her mother to know everything he had just told her. She lay there for almost an hour before giving up on sleep.
Sighing to herself she got out of bed and crept to the door, opening it as silently as she could. Not hearing any noise other than the street outside she tiptoed over to the couch and watched him for a moment. He lay on his back with one arm under his head seemingly sound asleep, the cover halfway up his chest. She blushed slightly when she noticed he wasn't wearing a shirt. Carefully pushing the cover aside she gently laid down beside him, her head on his shoulder. She draped an arm over his stomach, blushing even more as she felt the firm muscles under her hand. She soon fell asleep, feeling comfortable.
When he was sure she was asleep he carefully moved his arm from under his head and placed it around her. He smiled to himself, kissed her hair softly and drew her a bit closer to him, holding her tightly. She sighed contently in her sleep and he closed his eyes, allowing sleep to take a hold of him.
