Not Dreaming
A/N: I know some of you have wanted an update for this story for a long time, and I am sorry you didn't get it sooner. Considering how long it's been, I would advise you to read through the other chapters before reading this one, but I know it's a lot to get through, so just do as you want.
Chapter 18 – Long Distance
He woke up to sunlight streaming into the room, giving it a soft glow as it filtered through the thin curtains in the window. He stretched a little, smiling to himself as he remembered the day when Rory had convinced him to put them up. Now he was grateful they were there, blocking out the unwanted light and shielding his eyes.
His movement caused a groan from her still sleeping form and his smile widened when she unconsciously snuggled closer, burrowing her head against his neck and draping one of her legs over his. He turned his head enough to kiss her forehead and she sighed softly in her sleep.
He slowly moved the arm she was lying on and shifted it until he could wrap it around her shoulders, bringing her even closer. His other hand gently stroked her arm that was slung over his chest before it found hers and entwined their fingers.
Closing his eyes again he lay still, listening to her soft breathing, a small smile playing at his lips. Turning his head more he rested it against her forehead and let the hand on her back slowly weave through her hair.
Not long after she stirred, her eyes fluttering open for a second. She stretched a little and adjusted her position until she was lying more on than beside him, her head nestled securely in the crook of his neck. She yawned and lightly kissed his neck, causing him to shiver.
"Hey," he whispered, rubbing his thumb over her hand.
"Already morning?" she grumbled back, snuggling her head further into his neck, trying to block out the light.
"It's…ten o'clock," he chuckled, checking the time on his alarm clock.
She wrinkled her nose in disgust. "Ugh, too early," she protested and squeezed her eyes shut against the light that found its way in to her when he moved his head.
"Maybe you should have thought of that when you refused to go to sleep until 3:30 this morning," he whispered in her ear.
His breath made a shiver go down her spine and she sighed contently. "Your fault," she mumbled.
"Oh, and how's that?" he asked, running his fingers lazily over her upper back, a smirk tugging at his lips.
"Wipe that smirk off your face," she said with a pout, feeling her cheeks turning red.
"What?" he asked innocently.
"Nothing…" she mumbled, turning even redder, "I just…"
"Are you blushing?" he asked, pulling back a little to get a better look at her.
"No!" she exclaimed, trying to hide her flaming cheeks.
"You weren't blushing last night," he stated, fighting a smile as he softly followed the outline of her ear with his lips.
A moan escaped her before she could stop it and she closed her eyes, forgetting to retort to his comment. He chuckled at her response and bit lightly on her earlobe, making her shiver.
"Still a bad idea to wake up?" he asked softly, relaxing back down on the bed, removing a few stray strands of hair from her cheek.
She smiled and leaned down to kiss him. "It's still too bright," she complained, pouting against his lips, making him laugh.
"You're crazy, you know that?" he asked and shook his head.
"That's why you love me," she beamed before giving him a big, wet kiss.
"Oh yeah?" he said, raising an eyebrow and looked up at her in amusement. "What makes you so sure?"
"Hmm…I don't know…" she started, half sitting up beside him, pretending to think. And then she smiled brightly. "You carried all my bags from the bus yesterday."
"We would never have gotten anywhere if I didn't," he objected. "You didn't even get five feet before you had to put them down and told me you were hungry."
"That's how it sounds now, yeah," Rory said knowingly. "You so did it for me. Oh, and you cooked dinner for me last night," she added with a proud smile.
Jess shook his head and scoffed. "Do you think I want Lorelai to come after me because I let you starve to death?" he asked. "You're a disaster in the kitchen."
"Blaming it on my mom, are you?" Rory laughed. "That's quite convenient, don't you think?"
"Nope, just practical," he stated, smirking when she glared at him.
"You're impossible," Rory pouted.
Jess' smirk widened. "Nah, just logical," he said and ducked under his arm when Rory tried to hit him. "No need to get violent," he protested and grabbed her arm in his hand, pulling her down flat on top of him.
Rory gasped at the unexpected movement, suddenly finding herself not even an inch away from him, staring into his eyes.
"Much better," he muttered before reaching up to catch her lips in a deep kiss. Rory sighed and then relaxed against him, opening her mouth a little and tangling her fingers in his hair.
She adjusted her position a little, leaning down further, deepening the kiss, and he responded by tightening his arms around her. He pressed her closer for a moment before turning them over so she was lying on her back and she smiled when he pulled back to look at her.
"Waking up was a pretty good idea," she said and reached up to ruffle his hair, giggling when he scowled at her.
Her giggles soon turned into a surprised scream though when his hand quickly found her waist and started tickling her. Twisting under him she struggled to get away from his hand, eventually collapsing, laughing breathlessly, when he finally stopped.
"Mean," she said accusingly when she could breathe again, but he just shook his head.
"You asked for it," he stated and she was certain he would have added a shrug had he not been supporting his weight on his arms over her.
He was so close, her arms trapped underneath him and she was lying flat on her back, staring up into his eyes. She was still breathing hard, and the intensity of his eyes didn't help at all. Instead she felt her heart rate speed up even more and she swallowed.
"Hi," she mumbled, feeling a smile spreading over her face.
"Hey," he returned, leaning down the last inch, rubbing his nose against hers. Her smile widened and she giggled quietly before reaching up as far as she could and kissed him.
He responded instantly, separating her lips with his tongue, deepening the kiss. She closed her eyes and arched her back, pressing herself against him and she heard him groan against her mouth. Turning her body slightly she managed to free one of her arms and her fingers found their way to the back of his head, tangling themselves in his hair, and she pulled his mouth even closer.
When he broke the kiss they were both breathing hard and he leaned his forehead against hers for a second. With a small kiss on her nose he shifted his weight to one arm and slowly trailed his now free hand up her side. Sighing contently she smiled up at him, her eyes still closed, and sunk deeper into the mattress, her fingers twirling his hair.
She pressed her hand harder against the back of his head, forcing his mouth down to hers and he kissed back for a moment before moving down to her cheek, leaving soft kisses along her jaw line.
Reaching her ear he heard Rory's stomach growl under him and he frowned, paused and pulled back enough to see her face with a silent question evident by his raised eyebrow. "Ignore it," she breathed and he nodded, returning to her neck, kissing his way down to her collarbone.
The next time he could feel the growl, and he could also feel Rory shifting beneath him. He groaned and pulled back, looking down at her again. "You're hungry." It wasn't a question.
"Yeah," she mumbled sheepishly, looking back at him apologetically. Jess took a deep breath and closed his eyes tightly before falling back heavily on the bed.
"And I totally killed the mood," Rory said quietly beside him, turning to face him.
Jess nodded slowly. "Yeah," he muttered, rubbing a hand over his face.
"I'm sorry," she said, leaning in and kissing him softly on the cheek. "If you make breakfast I promise we'll continue this later."
Jess glared at her and then shook his head. "Ok," he agreed with a sigh.
"Yay!" Rory exclaimed, trying to break the tension in the room and smiled as Jess gave a short laugh, shaking his head once more.
He rolled out of bed, stretching as he stood up and smirked at her trying to hide she was looking. Chuckling to himself he pulled on a pair of boxers and grabbed a t-shirt. He could almost hear her pout from her place still snuggled into the covers.
"You're the one who kicked me out of bed to make you breakfast," he said with a grin and pulled the t-shirt over his head.
"I did?" she asked, her pout still in place. Then her stomach grumbled loudly and she frowned. "I did," she sighed.
He just shook his head at her and walked out of the room. In the kitchen he opened the fridge and rummaged through it in search of something to make breakfast of. He found a pack of eggs and since he didn't feel up to anything fancy, he decided to make an omelet. From the back of the fridge he pulled out some ham and got a couple mushrooms from the box in the bottom, putting everything on the counter.
Taking out a frying pan, a chopping board and a mixing bowl he sighed at the lack of space on the counter. Rory had brought all of her mail, some books and countless folders when she arrived the day before and apparently she had thought that the kitchen counter was the best place to deposit of them.
Shaking his head he put everything down on the stove, and was just about to call for her to take care of her things if she wanted breakfast, when the logo on a folded paper on top of the pile caught his eye. He frowned and stared at it for a moment, resting his hands on the counter, leaning his weight on them.
With a deep breath he straightened out and grabbed the paper, just holding it for a second before leaning back against the counter and starting to read. As he got further through it his frown deepened.
After reading it through once he paused, staring at the paper, not really seeing it, trying to take it in. Then he shook his head and read it over again, making sure he hadn't misunderstood anything. But the letter said the same thing this time that it did the first.
He didn't notice when Rory appeared in the doorway, struggling with pulling one of his T-shirts over her head. "How's it going?" she asked, her voice muffled by the fabric, and finally managed to get the shirt over her head properly.
He whipped his head up at the sound of her voice, looking at her briefly, but didn't answer. Instead he motioned with the letter in her direction before looking back down, reading the last sentences once more.
"Oh," she mumbled when she saw what he was holding and stopped dead in her tracks.
"When were you gonna tell me?" he asked, looking up at her, the hand with the letter dropping to his side.
Rory still stood frozen in the doorway, her eyes seemingly glued to the paper. "I was…" she began carefully, "so many times, but it just…never came up."
"Never came up?" Jess questioned, staring at her. "You applied for a job. Here. In Philadelphia." He looked at her disbelievingly, emphasizing every word by pointing the letter at her. "And it never came up?"
"I know," she hurriedly said. "I just didn't want to get my hopes up or say anything and then have it not happening and then time just passed and…it never came up."
He was quiet for a moment. "So, you didn't tell me you might be moving to Philadelphia because you didn't want to get your hopes up?" he finally asked.
"Yeah, basically," Rory confirmed quietly.
"Huh," Jess mumbled and shook his head, dragging his free hand through his hair. "And it didn't occur to you that I might want to know about this?"
"Of course it occurred to me," Rory said, finally managing to walk past the doorway and into the kitchen. "I'm sorry."
Jess took a deep breath, putting the letter back on top of the pile on the counter beside him. "Yeah well, I know now, right?" he said dryly, looking up at her.
"Yeah," she agreed, sitting down on a chair, watching him carefully, unsure of what to say.
Jess leaned back against the counter and dragged a hand through his hair. His mind was racing, but he couldn't decide in what direction it was heading. He wanted to be happy for her about the interview, and he was. But at the same time he was disappointed, and maybe a bit angry that she hadn't told him something this important. Then there was an additional thought that he didn't quite let up to the surface, but every time he pushed it away, it just came back.
Trying to press the unwanted thoughts out of his mind he nodded slowly and turned around, picking up all of her things from the counter, moving them to the kitchen table. "So…the interview's Tuesday?" he asked, grabbing the bowl and an egg, hoping something to do would help him avoid thinking.
Rory frowned and watched as he started cracking eggs in the bowl. "Yeah," she finally said when he turned his head to look at her, raising an eyebrow, clearly expecting an answer. "At ten."
"Ok," Jess said absently, reaching for the chopping board and a knife and started cutting up the mushrooms. They both grew quiet, the only sound in the room that from the knife as it rhythmically hit the board.
"Now that you're here you could start the coffee," Jess suddenly said as he poured the sliced mushrooms into the eggs, breaking the silence and turning around briefly as he grabbed the ham.
Rory's frown deepened as she watched him. "Sure," she finally mumbled, feeling more than a little confused, and stood up, finding the coffee right where she remembered it to be.
Once again the room went quiet as they both finished their tasks, the silence interrupted only by the coffee maker rumbling in its corner and the omelet cooking slowly on the stove. Neither of them said a word, Jess too caught up in his own thoughts, or more precisely avoiding thinking, and Rory too confused, and maybe a little afraid of the result, to speak.
The silence continued during breakfast and it was making Rory more and more nervous, and when Jess got up and started rinsing off the plates she finally couldn't take it any longer. She had to know what he actually felt - be it good or bad.
"I know I should have told you as soon as I sent the application," she burst out. "I don't know why I didn't, and I'm really sorry. And I know you're angry at me for not telling you, but this attitude of yours is freaking me out. I just…want you to talk to me. Yell at me if you want, just please, tell me what you think."
Jess stilled for a moment as she started talking and then turned off the water, put away the plate and dried his hands on a towel before turning around to face her. "Do you even want to move here?" he asked evenly, his voice quiet.
"What?" Rory exclaimed, too surprised by his question to come up with an answer.
"You must have had some reason for not telling me," he shrugged. "I mean, it's not like I wouldn't have found out sooner or later, right?" With a short laugh he nodded his head towards the table and the letter and leaned back against the counter. "It just seems like a valid question."
Rory stared back at him in shock. "That's what you think?" she asked, narrowing her eyes.
Jess shrugged again, his fears filling his mind, making it hard to think clearly. "When you planned your future career I doubt Philly was even in the back of your mind."
"So what?" she exclaimed defensively. "Just because I didn't plan to move here when I was ten I'm not allowed to now?"
"I never said you weren't allowed to," he pointed out, raising his voice impatiently. "I just wondered if it's what you want."
"How can you even ask me that?" Rory exclaimed, more hurt by his question than she'd have thought possible.
He could almost taste the still unanswered question hanging in the room between him, and it finally broke his façade, giving his old demons permission to roam freely. "It's not like you've denied it!" he growled.
"Well, what's the point?" she almost shouted, close to tears from frustration. "You've apparently already made up your mind!"
"Then unmake it for me!" he yelled back, his head spinning with thoughts he didn't know where they were coming from.
"Of course I want to move here!" she yelled back, finally unable to hold back her tears.
He watched her in silence, the tears running down her cheeks painfully obvious, and desperately wanted to say something to make them stop, but he was unable to get a single word out.
Angrily she wiped the tears away with the back of her hand before continuing, now barely above a whisper. "I have a plan somewhere in that pile of books of how to fit my stuff in with yours. I've got applications ready for every paper I could find in and around Philadelphia if I don't get a job at the Inquirer. I…" she faltered for a second. "I brought my favorite coffee mug."
Rooted to the spot he watched her run out of the kitchen, the loud bang as she flung the bedroom door closed reverberated through the apartment, making him flinch. He closed his eyes tightly before sliding down to the floor, his head resting against the cupboard.
He quietly opened the door to the bedroom and found her sitting cross legged in the middle of the bed, the comforter wrapped tightly around her. She had a book in her hand, but she was staring out in the air, obviously far away, and didn't notice the interruption.
For a couple minutes he just stood there, leaning against the doorframe and watched her. He noticed her hair was still rumpled from bed and that she had a red mark on her neck, just below her right ear and he closed his eyes, remembering how she had sounded when he made it.
He was interrupted by the faint sound of paper rustling when she suddenly seemed to come to life and looked up, her eyes finding him. For a moment her face lit up, only for her to immediately avert her eyes, looking down at her hands.
Jess sighed from his place and slowly detached himself from the doorframe, and walked up to the bed, sitting down in front of her. They sat in awkward silence, the room filling with a tension that none of them knew how to break.
Finally he couldn't take it anymore and took a deep breath. "I'm sorry," he said quietly. "I don't want to screw this up again."
At the sound of his voice she snapped her head up in surprise, looking at him, shocked by what she saw. He had been crying. It was either that or he'd had some kind of allergic reaction, and she wasn't sure which one sounded most likely.
He closed his eyes, wanting to hide from her piercing eyes, but willed them opened a moment later, locking eyes with her again. "I love you," he said, his voice barely above a whisper, and quickly continued when Rory opened her mouth. "Don't say anything yet, just listen, please."
She nodded automatically, still trying to process the last few moments.
"I love you," he repeated. "And I wasn't kidding when I said I hated this distance relationship thing. I want to wake up like I did this morning every day."
"But?" Rory couldn't help the word escaping her lips, suddenly afraid of what was coming.
Jess dropped his gaze to his hands, resting in his lap, and took a deep breath, finally voicing his fears. "What if we only work because of the distance?"
"What?" Rory stared at him in disbelief, unable to comprehend what she thought he'd just said.
Jess sighed. "I'm not good at relationships," he admitted quietly. "You of all people should know that. Hell, this is practically the only one I've ever had, and I've screwed it up so many times already."
"You're not making any sense," Rory said, narrowing her eyes at him in confusion.
He sighed. "I saw that letter and I panicked. And I realized I would rather only see you once a year than watch you walk out, knowing you were never coming back."
"So, what are you saying?" Rory asked cautiously, not sure she wanted to hear the answer.
Jess shook his head helplessly. "I don't know. It just…I don't know if I'd be strong enough if I lost you again."
"What do you mean, strong enough?" Rory questioned, a slight hitch in her voice, and waited for him to say something. When he didn't she reached out a hand, tentatively placing it over one of his. "Jess, please, you're starting to scare me here."
His eyes staring blindly at their hands, Jess finally spoke. "After I went to your dorm, the first time, I got in my car and drove to New York. And I…it wasn't like I was trying to do anything, I just wasn't paying attention, and there was this truck…"
She watched him in horror, her eyes widening as he spoke, unable to even open her mouth.
Still refusing to look up, Jess slowly continued. "The driver honked and, I guess you could say he woke me up, and I swerved, and nothing happened. But the point is, I shouldn't have been driving at all, I shouldn't have even been in that car. I knew that, and I still got in."
"Jess," she managed to choke out, tugging at his hand, a single tear running down her cheek. "Please, look at me."
He swallowed hard, and looked up, meeting her gaze, the pain of once more having driven her to tears evident in his eyes. Slowly he raised his free hand to her cheek, gently wiping the tear away, and she leaned her head into him.
"I'm sorry," he muttered, caressing her cheek. "I shouldn't have dumped that on you."
Collecting her courage, Rory wet her lips. "So, why did you?"
"I don't know," Jess shrugged, dropping his hand, letting out a frustrated sigh. "I just…It feels like I can't spend more than a few days in the same place as you without doing something to drive you away."
Rory stared at him in disbelief, anger suddenly flaring in her eyes. "Stop that!"
"But…" he started, frowning at her unexpected outburst.
"No buts!" Rory exclaimed, throwing her arms out in exasperation. "You stay quiet, it's my turn to talk and you better listen."
Jess was about to say something again, but she silenced him with a glare.
"When are you gonna get into that thick head of yours that not everything that goes wrong is your fault! If anything, I'm as much to blame as you. And if something is driving us apart it's us not being in the same place, not the other way around. Haven't you noticed that every time we fight it's because either of us have to be somewhere else?"
In the middle of her tirade, she had gotten up from the bed, and now she was pacing back and forth at the foot of the bed, emphasizing her words with wild arm gestures. Suddenly she stopped, staring straight at him, determination radiating from her body.
"I'm not going anywhere and I won't let you go either. Not again. And I am moving here, no matter what happens on Tuesday. I'll get whatever job I can find if I have to. As soon as I'm done with finals I'm coming here, and don't you dare try to stop me."
Out of breath she stood in place, staring at him, as if challenging him to try her. But Jess just sat on the bed; right where he had been when she got up, staring back at her, completely stunned.
"Ok," he finally said.
"Ok?" Rory questioned, somewhat lost when the fight she had been expecting wasn't happening.
Jess nodded. "Yeah."
Still not sure what to think, Rory slowly sat back down on the bed. "Just like that?"
"Well," Jess said with a shrug. "I guess you knocked some sense into my think head."
"Sorry," Rory said sheepishly, a faint blush spreading over her cheeks. "I might have gotten a little carried away."
"Don't be." His lips twitched into a smirk. "It was rather sexy."
"Jess!" Rory exclaimed, her eyes growing wide, cheeks now flaming.
His smirk grew as he watched her trying to hide her embarrassment. It always intrigued him how easy it was to make her so uncomfortable. But then he looked away for a second, becoming serious again.
"So, you're moving in." It wasn't a question.
"Yeah," she agreed.
Jess nodded. "Ok." Then he reached out a hand to her. "C'mere."
Rory looked down at his outstretched hand for a moment before quickly accepting it, closing her fingers tightly around his. Her hand in a secure grip, Jess tugged on her arm, drawing her up on her knees, slowly guiding her towards him.
When she was close enough, he wound his other arm around her back, pushing her flush against him, and captured her lips with his own. Slowly they explored each others mouths, her hands inevitably finding their way into his hair, pressing him even closer.
Gradually he shifted his hold on her, lowering them down onto the mattress, until he was hovering above her, running his tongue along her lower lip, and smoothing her hair out of her face.
An eternity later she pulled away, head spinning and lips tingling, and slowly opened her eyes. "I'll never get tired of that," she mumbled, a little out of breath.
"Good," Jess whispered against her lips, opening his eyes to look down at her.
With a sigh she kissed him back, but pulled back again when the kisses started getting more urgent. "Jess," she said, trying to compose herself. "We really should…"
"Later," he muttered, trailing kisses down her neck.
She let out a moan as he passed over an especially sensitive spot, and almost gave in. But then she took a deep breath, gently pushing his head up to a safe distance. "At the very least we have to discuss your driving habits," she said, cringing as she did.
At her words Jess groaned, collapsing half on top of her. "That's twice today," he muttered.
"I'm sorry," she said apologetically. "But I really think we should talk."
"Fine," he sighed, hoisting himself up and moving so he was sitting at the edge of the bed. "But I need a shower first.
"Oh," Rory mumbled, starting to feel guilty as she watched him take a deep breath and rub a hand over his face.
"A long, cold one," he added, standing up, walking towards the door. At the threshold he stopped. "And don't think I won't make you pay me back." Then he left the room and Rory groaned, cursing her head for being so practical.
