Ch2: Aftermath

It was O'twentytwo hundred, the chrono beeped twice and then twice more to get his attention. He sighed running a hand over his face as he read the time on the chrono. He'd been at it for a good seventy two hours. Blood pounded behind his ears as he gripped the edges of the war table the holo displays shifting yet again initiating another ground assault simulation. He'd been at it for far longer than he had needed but the thought of sleep though ever present in thought was still ever elusive in action. It had been a week after the pod incident and he still felt little closure on the incident.

He sighed turning at the sound of someone snapping at attention not having heard the doors to the bridge open. "Wolffe."

"Sinker. How's Boost holding up?"

"He's fine Commander. A bit glum at the prospect of no more giving hell to the shinies but he's getting by."

"You can tell him I'll put him back on the ground the battle after the next." Wolffe folded his arms across his chest leaning back against the table as Sinker did the same against one of the monitors.

"Yeah I'll tell him, but that's actually not why I'm here."

"Oh?"

"Yeah General Koon wants to see you. He's in his room meditating last I checked."

Wolffe straightened at this. "Then I'd best not keep him waiting." It took several minutes to reach the Generals quarters. He paused briefly by the door, if the General was meditating there was no need for an interruption he could wait. He only needed to wait several more moments before the door slid open allowing him entrance into the spacious chamber beyond. The Kel Dor was sitting in lotus position regarding him curiously before motioning for Wolffe to join him.

Wolffe obliged settling crossed legged and in lotus position across from the Jedi Master waiting for him to speak his eyes flickering between the General and the viewport filled with star system twinkling beyond. "How are you Commander?"

"I'm fine sir, am I here for a debriefing?"

"No you are not." The answer confused him as to why his presence was requested. His confusion was noted by the General who raised a hand to his rebreather mask in thought. The moments ticked by and Wolffe spent the time studying the mostly bare room as he waited for the Jedi Master to speak.

"Tell me when was it that you slept last, Commander."

"Some time ago sir."

"I see."

"It's not an issue is it? I am still quite capable of being deployed in this state."

"Indeed you are."

"I don't understand."

"I am here if you wish to speak with me."

"General?"

"Your men are worried for you Commander, and they have full right to be. If something is bothering you Wolffe, I am here to listen."

"I am fine sir."

"To act fine and to be fine are two distinctly different things. Tell me Wolffe what would you do if one of you brothers was neglecting their health?"

"I'm not quite sure I follow sir."

"Something is bothering you Commander. It is my wish that you speak to me off it."

"Is…is that an order sir?" A sense of discomfort overcame Wolffe, discomfort and dread. General Koon had never explicitly ordered him to do anything. He had always been free to choose and now that that choice seemed to be slipping away from his grasp it left a sense of betrayal in the pit of his stomach. He swallowed the lump of panic gathering in his throat thickly, he had no right to feel this way, his General had a right to pry into his mental state if he so wished. Psych evaluations were a regulation for a reason. A troopers mind was just as important as his blaster and as a Commander his own evaluation needed to be without reproach, if he slipped he could put a lot of his brothers in danger. And this danger could mean certain death.

"It is not an order Wolffe, I am merely concerned." The expression on the Jedi Masters face left a feeling of dread which permeated and coursed throughout his body. He was tired of running tired of fighting against himself, tired of sleepless nights and waking up to nightmares. Maybe if he voiced his fears…the Jedi Master would know what to do…wouldn't he?

He paused attempting to reign in his feelings as he spoke. "It's the sleeping pods, General. Every time I close my eyes…I…" As the words spilled out he found he couldn't stop them and that the panic and fear in his voice only grew even as he tried to calm himself. "Every time I enter one… I'm sorry that I'm not like you. I can't forget what happened. I can't forget the deaths. I can't, can't forget their faces the expressions on them when they died. I tried sleeping in the med bay. But my presence causes too much of a disturbance and the smell of bacta and antiseptic… I just can't go back there." By the time he was done he found that he couldn't meet the General's even gaze focusing instead on the hands shaking on his knees before him.

"I see. And when you slept in the med bay?"

"It was…better, I didn't feel like… I was running out of air to breath…"

"I see."

"I'm sorry for the trouble General, but I assure you I will still maintain my attention and strategies at peak efficiency."

"I am sure you will." The prolonged pause caused him to look up at the Generals contemplative yet seemingly saddened face. Why his General felt so he wasn't sure but he hoped that he had indeed been performing at peak efficiency. Though he felt he was perhaps the General felt otherwise and it was the General's opinion that counted in the end.

"Do you know Commander, that we have four rooms aboard this flagship for visiting Jedi or Commanders?" He was surprised at the shift to the conversation but he was thankful for it.

"Yes we also have a good five hundred and fifty sleeping pods not counting the ones in reserve."

"I see. Tell me Wolffe if you were informed that Commander Cody or Commander Thorn suffered from an ailment such as yours how would you proceed?"

"Well according to the reg manuals so long as the Jedi and dignitaries are accommodated the rooms functions can be altered as the General or Overseeing Commander see fit."

"I believe we have resolved the issue then."

"I don't understand…"

Koon smiled if kindly. "I believe you do." Wolffe's brow furrowed as exhaustion tugged at the edges of his senses. Perhaps several hours ago he could have made the connection with a more objective perspective but even if he did dare make the connection it was still highly unheard off for a clone even if he was a Commander to receive privileges such as these. "I must decline." He stilled his shaking hands resting on his knees lowering his head in a semi formal bow. "If it were any other Commander the solution itself would no doubt be only temporary. It is not right that I put myself in a position above my men. In the end a Commanders place is with his brothers I will attempt to alleviate my fears with a more focused conviction. I am only sorry to have troubled you with my own personal insecurities General."

He expected a response only to feel a four digit hand land on his shoulder. His eyes widened as he lifted his head to only to find the General kneeling beside him an intense and troubled expression on his face. "Sir?"

"Wolffe, I want you to listen carefully to my words. I value your life as much as I value the life of any other sentient being."

"But I'm a clone, I'm replaceable Sir." And there it was the crux of the fear of all clones. Many would not voice it but they all knew it. Even he knew it and though he was lucky he landed a General who valued the lives of his men it did not need to be the case. Clones no matter how expensive or time consuming to create, were still easily replaceable.

"Not to me you are not. You may carry the same face as thousands of others but you are Wolffe are you not?"

"I fail to see how…" His words were cut off as the General put more pressure on his shoulder.

"You do not fail to see, you have merely not been shown yet. Come will you join me for a meditation?" Wolffe nodded numbly trying to work through the haze and the incessant pounding that was forming behind his eyes. Wolffe had only done this one other time. Once when he had enquired what it was like to meditate and commune with the force. He hadn't communed with the force when the Jedi master had shown him the meditative pose and ran him through the steps of basic meditation. But the experience was interesting enough to him and it was highly reminiscing of both several basic techniques for stress release and a form of preparation for the receiving end of an interrogation. The General moved to sit directly across from him. This had not happened the last time around and Wolffe wondered whether it was a different meditation technique he would be shown this time around. The General settled crossed legged before him resting hands on knees in a pose Wolffe himself was sitting. He waited for further instructions vaguely wondering what he was supposed to do when the Kel Dor spoke.

"Close your eyes Commander." He obliged breathing in and out as the General had shown him the last time. He cleared his sluggish mind as he continued breathing in and out, he continued long enough that he was about to ask what else it was that he was supposed to be doing when he felt something almost like the ghost of the Generals hand brushing his mind. His eyes snapped open in alarm only to find that General Koon was still sitting in lotus position though the pressure, brushing just the edge of his skull was still there.

"Do not be alarmed, it is my mind that you feel Commander." Wolffe saw something akin to a smile cross the Kel Dor's face as he closed his eyes once more trying to steady his breathing at the thought of anyone being able to brush another mind through mere thought alone. He had studied the Jedi and their abilities. Reading about their power was one thing but to experience it first hand was an entirely different thing altogether. He resumed his breathing as he felt the General's mind hover about his own and then it was gone plunging him into a world of light color and feeling all not his own. He gasped as the bright lights focused showing him different spectrums of brilliance. Some were a bright red and grey, others a dull blue and yellow still others a brilliant green. The lights shifted and what he had thought were hundreds of different species were all familiar faces, all one face. His heart plummeted and soared as it beat wildly and erratically beyond his mind cold sweat forming at the base of his neck as he gazed outwardly from the viewport into the twinkling galaxy and the millions of lights beyond. They were alive! The galaxy was alive! He had never seen anything so beautiful in his life. All quite suddenly he found himself plummeting as darkness clawed at his mind drowning and suffocating him in the cold vastness of space. He struggled against it as it dragged him down. Then there was darkness.

When he blinked his eyes open he found himself lying flat on the cold metal hull of the ship with General Koon peering down at him. "Are you alright Commander? I must apologize I did not take into account your exhaustion and may have overwhelmed your senses."

"What was that General?" He pushed himself up as best he could into a sitting position the room swimming before him as general Koon gripped his shoulder to steady him. "I could see the men! They were all different! And the galaxy could you see it? It was alive!" Try as he might he couldn't keep the awe and trepidation at the sheer beauty from his voice.

General Koon chuckled. "There is no need for description; I felt you're thought's Commander. What I showed you Wolffe was one of the many ways the Galaxy can be seen through the force."

"But how!? I am no Jedi!"

An amused look crossed the Kel Dor's face. "No Commander you are not, what you saw was my mind and how I perceive those around me through the force."

Wolffe's eyes widened. "That was…that was…" He wasn't quite sure what to say. He blamed it on his exhaustion but after a seventy two hour rotation and that, he found both his mind and his proper protocol demeanor wavering between reality and that of the realm of the impossible. But through it all there were no words to describe what he had seen. What he had felt.

General Koon smiled. "So you see Commander you are not all the same." The oneness the beauty of it all, it was staggering never had he thought so much beauty was possible in so simple an act. But he had known he had always known that every one of his brothers was different. He just never truly realized how different.

"Perhaps now you will be less inclined to neglect your health Commander. Despite what you or the other clones may think you cannot be so easily replaced to me as you may have assumed."

The looming dread of sleep still permeated the air about him but it was a comfort to know that even in such a vast darkness there was still so much light. And even in the vast nothingness of space there was still life. And that life was worth fighting even dying for.

"Thank you sir for showing me...that…" After that spectacle he wasn't sure what to think other than the dire need to sleep and then to think some more on what it was he had seen. He rose to his feet as the General did so. He was nearly out the door before flicker of curiosity crossed his mind, he paused. "General?"

"Yes Commander?"

"Thank you again sir for showing me the force and if I might ask what…what color am I? How do you see me…in the force I mean?"

"You are a gold and amber, Commander."

"Thank you sir." Wolffe frowned trying to picture himself through the force and then promptly decided against it. The force was for Jedi so long as he had his blaster it be fine, they'd all be fine. He gave a brief and proper salute before sliding the door behind him and making a beeline for some long needed rest. Plo Koon merely smiled as the brilliant fire of sharp gold and liquid amber retreated before his vision a fire bright and brilliant in its beauty its loyalty and fierceness. In the end the clones were not the same, not the same at all.