When Iruka came to, the first thing he noticed was that the cicadas were really loud. Like, really fucking loud. His head was killing him, but the air smelled fresh and inviting. A groan escaped his lips as his eyes flickered open.

And he was... in a tree.

And it was a fucking tall tree too.

In a big fucking forest.

Iruka's breath began to speed up as his memories from before came back to him.

When school had finished for the day, Iruka had instantly noticed that Hatake-sensei had forgotten his water bottle. The guy was a germaphobe, so he never left home without it, not trusting the school's water. He also never left school without it. So Iruka thought he'd bring it by his house. It was an innocent favor for a... good friend. Yes. A good friend.

How was he supposed to know that the criminal Hatake-sensei lookalike that had been all over the news would be in the apartment, answering the door? But thinking of the way that Hatake-sensei had called him 'Iruka' made his face get unreasonably warm. Even if it was in an attempt to get him to run away. Actually, the fact that the other man was trying to protect him made his face feel even warmer. Not that he'd ever leave Hatake-sensei knowing he was with a maniac like that.

Iruka had tried to tackle the criminal when his back was turned. Didn't work as well as he had expected.

But following the criminal defying the laws of physics and himself dropping so many expletives he would probably be disowned, Iruka had found himself on the roof. He wasn't quite sure what had happened. What he was sure of was that the man had vanished in a whoosh and then he was waking up in a tree.

The branch he was sitting on was rather wide and sturdy-feeling for a branch, though not exactly wide enough for his comfort. There was rope wrapped once around his legs, and then again around his torso. It left his arms free, but effectively tied him to the branch. The rational part of his mind reminded him that nature survivalists often did this to stop themselves from falling out of trees in their sleep. He'd have to keep his maniac kidnapper's small kindness in mind the next time he wanted to punch the man in the face.

Iruka loosened the ropes so that he had some more maneuverability but didn't remove them completely. It was clear that the ropes weren't supposed to be a deterrent. The height of the tree, a drop that would surely kill him if he attempted to descend it, was what kept him in place. He didn't even want to think about how his captor was able to get not one, but two full grown men all the way up here in the first place. Speaking of which...

Iruka looked around, searching for Hatake-sensei. He quickly found the other man, still unconscious on a branch slightly higher than his own.

The man had to have raided a museum or something, because right next to the branch Hatake-sensei lay on was a damn kunai with a note attached. Iruka reached out and grabbed the note. It looked hastily written and the handwriting was difficult to read, but it said:

Sorry about knocking you out. Got shot, needed something to wrap the wound. I'll be back soon, don't go anywhere.

It was signed with a henohenomoheji instead of a name. Was this man an actual child?

Iruka pulled the kunai out of the bark of the tree. It was dangerously sharpened, clearly with the intent of being used as a weapon. But why would their kidnapper leave them a weapon? The only thing Iruka could think of is that he was confident he could take them out even with the handicap. The truth was, Iruka wasn't skilled at weaponry. He didn't know about Hatake-sensei, but he definitely wouldn't stand a chance, kunai or not.

Iruka's bag had been discarded back at Hatake-sensei's apartment, but he just remembered leaving his cell phone in a zipped pocket in his jacket. With a look of hope on his face, he pulled out the phone and turned on the screen. His hope was soon crushed at the sight of zero bars and five percent battery.

Iruka sighed and put it back in his pocket. There wasn't much to do except wait for Hatake-sensei to wake up and for their captor to return. He would figure out how to deal with whichever came first.


Hatake-sensei didn't take very long to wake up. What clued Iruka in was the disoriented groaning, followed by the, "Why am I in a fucking forest...?"

Iruka, now much more confident in not falling off the branch than he'd first been, stood up to see his fellow teacher. The white-haired man was still blinking his drowsiness away but seemed happy to see him.

"Good morning Sleeping Beauty," Iruka said with a falsely cheerful smile, "You're in a fucking forest because a crazy man knocked you out and put you in one."

Hatake-sensei squinted and Iruka's smile dropped. Perhaps he had a headache? He was never really given the chance to recover from his sickness. Iruka noticed the man looking down at the ropes and answered the silent question.

"It seems Crazy Man wants us alive. They're easy enough to untie, but they'll stop you from falling to your death," Iruka explained, more seriously this time. Hatake-sensei made a sound of understanding.

"Thanks for bringing back my water bottle by the way," Hatake-sensei said in a low voice, "I'm… I'm sorry you got dragged into this. Whatever this is."

Iruka didn't respond for a second. If Hatake-sensei thought that he was going to get away with being his usual, mopey, guilt-ridden self, then he had another thing coming.

"Hey, it's not like you're in league with Crazy Man. Anyway, there isn't anyone else I'd rather be stuck in this kind of life or death situation with than you," the second the words slipped out of Iruka's mouth, his face turned bright red. He really should've run that through in his head before saying it out loud. The only consolation was that Hatake-sensei's face was just as red.

Ok. Iruka admitted that he had liked Hatake-sensei as a little more than just a regular colleague ever since they'd started working together. He acknowledged his interest but was never able to act on it. Let alone the fact that two teachers at the same school being in a relationship was high illegal, being a teacher also meant next to no free time. They didn't actually have the time to actually get to talk to each other all that much. So of course, the moment they're alone, he would start being awkward. Kakashi broke the stretching silence.

"So, ah, did the police ever show up?" he said.

"Oh, they showed up all right. It was right after Crazy Man threw me at you," Iruka said, reliving the memory and wincing. It had hurt. A lot.

"And?"

"And... Crazy Man managed to evade them with us on his shoulders."

"Carrying... both of us?" Hatake-sensei asked, his eyes widening. Iruka smiled grimly and nodded.

"So, either Crazy Man is incredibly amazing at parkour, or the laws of gravity don't apply to him," Iruka said. At Hatake-sensei's confusion, he further explained, "Without the use of hands, he somehow managed to jump out the window and run up the wall to the roof."

It was silent between the two for another second. Hatake-sensei blinked slowly, trying to comprehend.

"Did... did more police show up?" he slowly asked.

"They did, but I took care of them."

Iruka whipped around at the now familiar voice. And at the surprising sight of Certified Criminal Crazy Man, he proceeded to fall out of the tree.