EDWARD
We walked up the stairs from my room to Alice and Jasper. I was trying to rearrange my thoughts so I could explain this to Alice, in the least complicated way, I could. Her thoughts on my situation kept coming in and interrupting me.
"Alice, it's hard enough for me to figure out what's going on in my head right now. I don't need to hear others trying to figure it out for me." I said trying not to sound annoyed. It wasn't her fault that I could hear her thoughts.
"Sorry." she said. She quickly averted her attention to her worries of hers and Jasper's relationship.
"So he's still being distant?" I asked. I wanted to averted the attention from myself for a few minutes.
"Yeah, he barely talks to me anymore." Alice answered. "He's barely here anymore. I don't know where he goes. I want to look and see what he's doing but what if he does have someone else? I don't think I could live with that."
"I've been trying to see in his head but he keeps all his sexual thoughts under lock and key when I'm around." I answered. "I'm sure he's just working his own things out. This year has been rough on all of us."
It had only been a year since the war ended. Bella and I were finally able to deal with things. Things were going badly because we had a lot to dwell on for five years. Carlisle was still trying to cope with what he is now. He hated that he gave into himself when he went a century without any human blood. Esme didn't like being around the man that Carlisle had become. He was angry a lot and yelled at her all the time. Jasper, well Jasper had to go back to being something that he promised himself that he wouldn't. Alice was caught on the in between. I had a feeling she didn't like what we had become but she knew it would be hard to go back to what we were.
The lose of Emmett and Rosalie hit us as hard as the loss of Nessie. Emmett and Rosalie's deaths seemed to be thw thing that dropped the curtain on what was left of our old lives. After that, we thought only of gaining the power to seek our revenge. We never thought about anything else along the way. Maybe that's why everything was falling apart.
We reached Alice and Jasper's room, I walked over and sat on the couch wondering vaguely where Jasper had gone tonight. Alice shut and locked the door before heading over to her desk and sitting on it.
"So what's up?" Alice asked.
"Well, when I took Kari the other day, I had every intention of making her my obidient little pet. I was going to get into her head and make her fear me. I wanted and still do want to be able to control every move she makes." I began explaining. "Everything started out fine until last night. I took her, like I've done every other girl in this god damned house! The only problem was what I felt when I finished."
"And what was that?" Alice asked. I could hear ideas coming together in her head and none where that far off.
"I felt sorry for hurting her like that." I explained. "I haven't felt sorry for hurting anyone since... the war." I couldn't bring myself to say since Nessie died. "And I've done the exact same thing to every girl in this fucking place. Never once did I feel sorry for any of them."
"What else?" Alice pressed. Nothing had changed, she still knew to well.
"I was relieved when Dr. Garfunkel told me that there wasn't any permenant damage. I found myself not only wanting her to spend the four days recovering but I also wanted her to be comfortable. You know me now, I could careless about the comfort of humans. Then when I walked in to find Bella beating her something inside broke. And I was so angry. I mean, Bella goes after these girls all the time for what I do to them. I never really cared before. I figured if it helped her then it didn't matter. Then I saw her hurting Kari and I wasn't going to have it."
Alice knowing I had more to say nodded to show she was still listening.
"I was supposed to get inside her head but she's getting inside mine. I mean I still want her to be my pet and obey my every command. I want to khurt her when she doesn't listen. I want her to fear me. But after I'm done hurting her, I want to wrap my arms around her and tell her how sorry am I. I want to tell her I won't do it again and that she's safe with me."
"It's kind of like with Bella." I don't think she meant for me to hear that thought.
"No, it's nothing like with Bella. Bella only had to worry because of her blood. But Kari, doesn't have blood like that. Yes, it is the best that I've tasted since Bella's but I don't have to keep myself from killing her when I smell it. Maybe, when I taste it but not smell it. With Kari, it's more like I want to have her both ways. As a pet and as a friend. For lack of a better way to put it, right now." I explained. "I know I can't have both but I don't know which I want more."
Alice let out a mental chuckle. She didn't think I was making sense. Wonderful.
"It seems like the two sides of your life are colliding and you don't know which way to go." she said. "The human you spent a century trying to be wants to keep this girl safe but the monster, who is stronger wants to see her in pain. Edward, you're going to have decide which one you want to be for eternity."
I had a feeling that she was going to say that. I wasn't ready to make the distinction just yet. I figured I'd let time tell how things would turn out.
"Okay, enough about my problems." I said. "I know you've been having issues lately. I also know that you afraid to talk to anyone because of what the family may say or do. I want to assure you that nothing has changed between you and me. If you need to tell me something but don't want the family to know then I won't tell them anything. I promise. You can still trust me."
ALICE
I heard his words but still wasn't sure if I should believe him. His moods were really crazy lately. What if he got mad at me and told someone? What if the family threw me out? What if Edward decided to dispose of me himself? So many what ifs.
Then again, he's never broken a promise. Not even during the uncerain times of the war. If he said he was going to do something for you, he did it. So should I have faith in that or should I just let it go. I met his eyes for a minute and saw a brotherly love there that I hadn't seen for the longest time. I knew in that instant, I could trust him to keep my secret.
"I don't like what we've become. I don't like that we're back to treating the humans inferior beings. I don't like that we see them as only good enough for food or to do our housework. I just don't like any of it."
Edward nodded for me to continue.
"I've hated it all since Jasper brought Peyton here. I advised you guys to hire a doctor simply because I couldn't bear someone else dying by our hands. It's not right or fair. And I have been back on the animal diet. Kari's sister was the first human in six months."
Edward gave me one of his crooked smiles. It wasn't one of the evil twisted ones, he's had for the past year but a real one. I continued,
"I hate seeing these girls taken from there families. And forced into a life they didn't ask for. It's too hypocritical for my tastes. I mean, look at us, none of us asked to be vampires but we were forced into this existence. Now we force the humans into a life they didn't aske for. How is that fair?"
I took a deep breath. I was about to bring up the conversation ender but I had to say it. I prepared for the anger that was coming.
"And I want you to do something for me. It's the only way to completely understand were I'm coming from with my next point. Think about how you felt that day in the forest..."
"Don't go there, Alice." he growled calmly.
"When you had to watch your child die for no reason." I finished. "And now you make these girls' parents go through the same thing."
"That's different." he replied.
"How?"
"Look, I don't wanna have this conversation, right now. I can't even think about that night!"
"You need to. You'd feel a lot better if you did."
"No, I won't!" He got off the couch and headed to the door.
"You know, you're not the only one who lost someone that night. Carlisle and Esme lost their only granddaughter. Jasper, Emmett, Rosalie, and I lost a niece. Emmett and Rosalie died to help avenge her! So don't stand there and act like you're the only one who lost her. We've all dealt with it. It's time you did too." I said and went after him. He froze with his hand on the knob.
"It's different for the rest of you." he said his voice cracking. "You only had to watch her die. Do you know the only things they thought about when we were standing there?"
I shook my head. This was the first time he said anything about that night.
"They thought about the horrible things the did to her! I had to see it all. I can't deal with thinking about my sweet little girl in that kind of pain. That's why I don't think or talk about that night. Not because I think I'm the only one who lost someone. I can't think about it. It hurts too much." With that he twisted the knob and yanked the door open. "I have to go for a drive. Tell Katya not to come to me tonight. I'm liable to kill her in this state."
He walked out and slammed the door behind him. I went back to my desk to ponder this bit of information. I had no idea, he saw those things. I didn't even like to think what the Volturi were capable of.
Today's conversation helped with something though, I had hope for my brother. His was opening up about that night, if only a little. And he was feeling human emotions again. Maybe Kari could help him.
Having something to hope for, I pulled my diary out of the lock box I kept it in and began writing another entry.
A/N: I hope you have a better idea of Edward's attitude now. Yes, I will give a more in depth explanation of that night with Nessie. Also, I've been dropping some settle hits about a future event. I'm not sure if I'm doing a good job or not. So if you could please send me a review telling me if you think you know what the hints are for. I won't tell yopu if you're right or wrong. I just want to know if I'm good at hint dropping or not. Hugs for my reviewers!
