Time for the actual story to begin!
Warning: Rated for my dirty mouth and sassy nature. Some OOCness sprinkled in there too. I'm just going to be doing what I want. You have been warned :P Also spoilers!
"blah" - talking
'blah' - thinking
Update 10/4/2017: Swapped all of the words "ninja" with shinobi or an alternate word
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, if I did plot armor wouldn't exist and characters would drop faster than a wedding on Game of Thrones. (Too soon?)
The first thing I noticed when I woke up was that my skin felt tight! Like trying to put on a new pair of skinny jeans two sizes too small tight. The agonizing feeling of having your very flesh constrict you was unbearable, flailing in whatever bed I was in, hoping to stretch a muscle or get use to a body that I knew for a fact was not mine. Nothing worked, I wanted to scream but my voice was lost, I wanted to die but my heart didn't stop. I didn't want to breath but my lungs forced in unwanted air. Reincarnation my ass, this was hell! Don't know how Orochimaru handled the whole body swapping fiasco, but I bet he'd be use to the pain by now. I was hot and cold at the same time. My brain frozen and my body on fire. I tried to fish for a solution while focusing on my breathing, all I could think of in my pain muddled mind was that a shower could fix this.
Pushing myself up on thin, but muscular arms I race to what I believed to be the bathroom. Ignoring the mirror I quickly stripped off the foreign clothes on me and jumped in the shower, turning the water on as hot as I could stand it. Almost like magic my new body relaxed, taking deep breaths I allow myself to adjust to the new slowly reddening skin.
Once my panic subsided and my skin no longer feeling like those torture traps teens call "skinny jeans" I decide to risk it and look at my body… It didn't take long to realize three big differences. First of all I was blond, not that I'm complaining I hated my old hair. Running a hand through the honey locks, my disappointment settled in when it felt wiry. Not at all silky like its appearance seems to sing out. Hope this place has Suave.
Secondly, I was short. I must be a child or a pre-teen at most. I could only guess because the shower head was way too high up for me. In my old life I could simply reach up and adjust it. Time to go through puberty again… woop-dee-doo. Like it wasn't fun the last time am I right? Yeah, didn't think so.
Sighing, ignoring the masculine tone in my voice as I had a deeper voice in my past life, I look down… big mistake.
"WHY THE FUCK AM I A MAN, UN?!"
Upon hearing that oh-so familiar verbal tic I smack a hand over my mouth. My heart raced, 'no...nonononono universe you did not put me in THAT world in HIS body!' Slipping on the floor and with a painful thud I land on the shower floor in disbelief, tears threatening to spill out as I choked on a sob. Then something bit my lip. My hand was on my lip… my goddamn hand bit my lip!
Pulling my hand away, I see my palm with the most smug grin on its… mouth. That was new, at least it didn't break skin. "You have got to be kidding, un. Shit I have his verbal tic." Propping my legs into a more comfortable position and slamming my head against the tiled walls with a groan my mind wonders, in any other scenario I would have jumped with glee, but not this.
I died, I was sent to the Narutoverse like some damn fanfiction and I'm Deidara of the fucking Akatsuki. My favorite character, but also someone I never wanted to be.
Realization decided to hit me like a mallet, "Wait… Akatsuki, when am I?!" Once the initial shock of having body parts a girl should definitely not have past by me, springing onto my feet I turn off the water and slipped my discarded clothes back on. The teal kimono should bring me comfort but I don't know when Deidara got his dark clothes. All I could do was pray Sasori wasn't in the other room ready to mock me about how I kept him waiting or how my flailing kicked a puppet.
Stepping out of the bathroom, I observe the room I was in, traditional Tatami mats covered the floor and a messy futon laid in the middle of the room. I must be in an inn, that or Deidara has a sweet place. Thankfully, no signs of the ginger Pinocchio. After raiding the room, the lack of the iconic black and red clouded coat and Deidara's headband being unslashed allowed most of my worries to slip away. I wasn't in the Akatsuki yet.
I could prevent that from happening. I can hide in a nice village and live a peaceful bloodless life. I could become an artist. I could possibly find someone nice and start a family and grow old…
Or I could change the plot and mess with people.
'So much could be prevented just by not joining the Akatsuki' My brain runs a mile a minute thinking of scenarios that happened because of Deidara. 'Gaara, the Sanbi, the fight against Sasuke… the suicide… his role in the war.'
I don't plan on dying young thank you very much! I'm gonna die at a ripe old age, just before I lose my marbles and whack the youngsters with my cane! And I most certainly will not let some Orochimaru-wannabe use me for his gain. Screw that!
But first, I need to figure out where I am. Gathering my stuff I leave the building -I later find out it's an inn- and explore the small town. Buying some breakfast of steamed rice and some fish at one of the local stores I resist the urge to sing the opening song from Beauty and the Beast with how... small the place is. Everyone knows everyone and there is a distinct lack of shinobi besides myself and a couple teams. Seems like I'm near the border to the land of fire based on the fact I'm the only nin from Iwagakure, and the other shinobi having the leaf on their foreheads. Oh well, time to gather some info via eavesdropping on conversations! Using my new found shinobi ears I hear an old couple talking about a shrine and its… "artistic statues".
I snort, "as if they know art. They wouldn't know art if it blew up in their face, un." murmuring with a small chuckle before freezing. "Not even here for an hour in this world and I sound like Deidara already... Oh well," I sighed with a stretch "can't hurt to visit the shrine, un." Sliding out of my seat, I leave to see this shrine.
It didn't take long to find the shrine, hell it was the only place that looked well kept and had stairs! Oh dear God did it have stairs. This is why I never traveled, all the cool places had stairs! Nevermind the fact shinobi are basically enhanced humans, doesn't mean I know how to act like one. I barely understand how I make clay sculptures just by clenching my fist a few times. (AN: Deidara never sculpts, he just... squeezes the clay? They never show how he makes the shapes)
As I walked up the stairs, the many… many stairs my gut tightens as I begin to recognize the architecture of the building. 'This is… shit, it's that shrine.' Stopping in my track I crane my neck up to look at the impressive building. High walls and monstrously scary idols litter the area, truly a building worth being called a Japanese shrine. As a fan of Japanese culture, the beauty brought a smile to my lips, but only for a moment. 'Okay Deidara, now is not the time to admire the building. Now's the time to run like hell.' As I begin to turn to walk away my inner Po kicks in at the sight of all the stairs... That I already climbed… and I would have to walk down after all my hard work. I really do make Shikamaru look like gold medal athlete.
"... Well a quick visit won't hurt. I doubt it's THAT day, un." Narrating to myself always seems to calm me down for some reason. That or I just like hearing myself talk haha.
Nearing the last few steps my hearts plummets, sweat forms behind my headband and my hands almost automatically grabbed the clay in my pouch to fiddle with. Inside the shrine are three very familiar heads… or rather the back of them. Black and red coats, all dangerous, and the most awesome people to enter my childhood.
The Akatsuki are just a few meters in front of me.
As if sensing my presence the bastards have the nerve to dramatically turn at once to me. 'Damn you villians for being so cool, and dammit Itachi stop looking so sexy! Wait, I'm Deidara now, bad Deidara! Stop staring at the drool worthy Uchiha! Wait they're talking to me.' Snapped out of my thoughts at hearing Itachi's… smooth… velvet voice… 'STOP DROOLING OVER HIM WO- man… I mean... DAMMIT BRAIN!'
"-join the Akatsuki." Itachi finished, at least I think he said something before that. I must look like an idiot just standing there with a dead fish expression. At last, I found my voice.
And let me tell you this, the first thing I said was so graceful, so majestic, it would go down in history as the greatest answer ever.
"Sorry cutie, those colors clash with my hair, un." With a wink and a smug smirk, I dropped a handful of clay spiders that I guess Deidara made before I took over and hightailed out of there. Lifting two fingers to my face I utter the one phrase I've been wanting to say the moment I realized who I am, "Art, is an explosion! KATSU!" The bombs explode and I leap down the stairs and into a nearby grove of trees. It'll take more than C1 to even put a scratch on a bunch of S-ranked criminals, meaning if I don't get away soon I'm potentially dead.
'Shit.. shitshitshit, fuck my life, need to hurry!' It took me a few moments to remember that I can make birds, quickly sculpting an owl and making it poof into a flyable size, hopping on. Just barely missing Sasori's tail aimed for my back, and flew off.
I didn't risk looking back, one look at Itachi and I would be done for. They wouldn't give up so easily, Pein wants Deidara to be Sasori's partner. Too bad for them that I'm Deidara now. And I'm not about to deal with them knowing that later on I would get stuck with Tobi. Die. And then have the supposed idiot turn out to be an Uchiha bent on practically destroying the world. Nu uh, I'm going to go someplace where I'm either gonna change lives, cause absolute chaos, or get killed on sight. Universe don't fail me now!
"Now… where is Konoha, Un?"
3rd person POV
Meanwhile, back with the Akatsuki...
Sasori returns, empty handed and in a worse mood than before. First he had to wait hours for some brat to show up, then said brat had the nerve to flee. "He got away" Sasori stated plainly, like talking about the weather.
"We will find him another time." Itachi returned the bland tone, currently focused on his partner whose arms were folded and had a contemplative look on his face.
Now Kisame was a simple person, once focused on something, it won't leave him until he speaks up. "Neh… Itachi-san?" Kisame finally looks at his smaller partner, not sure if he will regret this question or not. "Did the kid call you a 'cutie'? I thought Deidara was male."
Dead silence, not even the crickets chirped.
"... hn" not bothering to respond to that, Itachi instead turns into dozens of crows and scatter.
Sasori grumbled in annoyance "brats…" before leaving to report to leader about the failure to recruit the annoying bomber.
Hey guys! Mello here! Yep! Deidara does not join the Akatsuki, as awesome as it may be, there is not much to be done if he kept to the plot. At least going to Konoha he has a chance of changing the course of events. I might have Dei join the akatsuki later on, because Sasori will need a partner still. Let me know what you guys think!
Incase people wonder why I never gave the self-insert a name: Mainly because I don't think it's necessary at the moment. I don't want to post my actual name here but know that this is me and everything I have Deidara say and do is exactly what I would have done minus the cutie bit. I did that out of boredom, though Itachi is pretty easy on the eyes. ^-^
I will be referring to my SI as a "he" during the narratives even though she is a girl because Deidara is a male, and it would get confusing constantly swapping gender pronouns. I will, however, have my SI refer to herself as a female in her head until she gets use to the idea of being a male.
Also I will be constantly fixing these chapters of grammar mistakes or my overall goofs, if you see a goof, please let me know so I can fix it!
Reviews are loved and I'll see you all next time.
Bye~! :3
