More Than France
Enjolras did not sleep that night.
After carrying Melodie up the stairs and tucking her in, he'd been tempted to sit by her door to keep watch over her. The thought of losing sight of her for even a minute had made him seize up in fear. But Arielle had put her foot down and ordered him to his own room. And once that door had shut, he felt the turmoil of the day descend upon him. His guilt rose sharply within him, threatening to make him break his promise to Arielle to leave Melodie alone until morning.
This guilt kept him awake. It was similar yet different from his guilt from the barricade. That guilt had threatened to crush him, making him seek the darkness that death could bring. This guilt though, this guilt didn't crush him. It left him hollow and that was worse. Because if he had lost Melodie, he had lost everything. His reason to laugh, to smile, to feel. And death wouldn't be an option because he'd want to live with this guilt forever. It would be the only worthy punishment.
As daylight began to rise over Paris, he stumbled from his room and made his way to the library. He knew he couldn't stomach food just now. The room was quiet, though he could faintly hear birds singing their morning greetings beyond the window. The sun rose higher in the sky before he heard movement within the house. There was a soft murmur of voices coming from the stairs, but they were too low for him to determine who was who. Anxious, he took himself from the fireplace where he had been pacing and investigated the hall to see who had come down.
His eyes locked onto Melodie's as she turned away from Fabian. Her face was still pale, and her gaze was remote. She looked as she had the day before when he had railed at her. She looked like death. Her head cocked to the side as realization of whom she was looking at came over her. He took a hesitant step forward, careful of her response. But before she could react, Fabian had gently grabbed her elbow and was leading her away towards his study. Enjolras slumped against the door frame and pinched the bridge of his nose.
"Fabian doesn't know what happened between the two of you yesterday." Arielle's voice was softer than he would have expected it to be. He looked to her, unable to keep the sorrow from his face.
"He merely wants her focused so she can give an accurate account of what happened last night."
He could only nod in return; words were beyond him right now.
"Thank you." Enjolras looked sharply at her, unsure if he was hearing her correctly.
"You saved her. I am grateful for that, despite everything."
Enjolras swallowed, hard.
"She saved me too." The words were scratchy as they came out, but sincere. Madame Arielle shrugged delicately.
"People in love tend to do that for each other in one form or another." She turned and left him for the dining room.
Enjolras felt the breath leave his body in a rush as her words sank in.
Love? Was it love that kept hammering at his soul every time he even thought of Melodie? Lust was there yes, absolutely, but love? It hit him like a runaway cart that when it came to Melodie, he felt both. They were intertwined when it came to her. He loved her because he lusted after her and he lusted after because her loved her. Enjolras stumbled back into the library and sat down hard on their window seat. He sat there for an hour, resting his head in his hands. He couldn't think of any other words other than "Sorry" to say to Melodie. He knew it wasn't enough for the woman he had come to love more than life itself and hated himself a little more for it.
He had well and truly botched his future. No … their future. Leaving France forever would have been a million times easier than knowing he had lost her before even getting the chance to properly love her. Damn his deplorable soul.
"Enjolras?" Her voice was a whiplash and balm all at once as he caught site of her standing in the door way. He surged to his feet and practically ran toward her. Her look of alarm turned to one of horror as he crashed to his knees in front of her, but he didn't catch it as he bowed his head.
"I'm sorry Melodie. I'm so damned sorry." He choked out.
"Enjolras, please get up. There's no reason to do this like this!" Melodie was begging him, yet it was he who should be begging mercy from her.
"No. Right here, right now. I deserve this and so do you." Melodie fell silent as he took a deep breath.
"I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry for reacting the way I did. I'm sorry for shouting those horrid, untrue words at you. I don't blame anyone but myself for everything that's happened since the night of Lamaque's death. I hate myself for what I did to you last night Melodie, for making you feel like you and life were worth less than France. I hate myself for forcing you into that situation that would have taken the life you had just won back. I almost took everything from you with my stupid words. I will never have forgiveness from myself and I know I don't deserve any from you. In fact, I don't care if you ever forgive me, but please Melodie, please don't leave me. If I lose you completely, I – I don't – I don't … I can't lose you Melodie."
His speech came to a halt, he body trying to suck in the air it had lost as he had laid his soul bare to her. But he still couldn't look at her. Those eyes, those eyes that haunted him day and night would only reflect the hate and disgust he felt for himself in that moment and he knew he would break upon seeing it in her eyes.
"Oh Enjolras." Her voice was a whisper and then she sunk to her own knees in front of him. Her hands came up and brought his chin up so her eyes met his. Her hands cradled his face and her eyes …
Her eyes were burning again. Those fierce, golden eyes were burning with the love he now recognized. That love which had always been there for him and him alone. Before last night, before coming here, before the barricade itself, she had loved him and he had simply not seen it. And he hated himself all the more for not seeing the gift of her love that been offered to him in her eyes so many times before.
"I forgive you Enjolras. I'd forgive you anything but a decision that would take you away from me. I forgive you."
Enjolras shuddered once, then twice. He could feel the tears of relief begin to course down his cheeks and on to her small fingers, but he dared not move his hands to brush them away. Let them stay there where she could see and feel his regret and his relief.
"I should have expected your reaction. I know you love France more than anything and –" She didn't get to finish her words as his hands shot out, cinched themselves around her waist, and drew her flush with his torso.
"No." He whispered harshly. Her gaze was surprised and a little wary. He cleared his throat to soften his tone, but the grip on her waist remained tight.
"No," he started again, "You. You are what I love. More than life, more than the Revolution, more than France itself. Melodie I love you. I almost lost you last night and the thought of being without you does more damage to my soul than the mere thought of leaving France. Please Melodie, please … don't ever think that way again. I will spend the rest of my miserable life proving it to you, but my heart, mind, body, and soul are yours. I love you and –" Not it was his turn to not finish his words as her hand covered his mouth, ceasing his stream of words.
"Enjolras," She paused and searched his eyes, her own welling with tears. She slowly removed her hand and went back to cradling his face between her warm palms.
"I love you too." She uttered somewhat breathlessly.
And then she was in his arms, that distracting heat from her body sinking into his pours and filling him with the sense that everything was finally right in the world. They clung to each other desperately, hearts beating in sync.
She loved him, and he loved her, and she had forgiven him, and by God and all the angels, that was all that mattered now.
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It had been easy, forgiving Enjolras.
It shouldn't have been according to her sister but that's what two people did in love she supposed. They saved each other and forgave each other.
But more than anything they loved one another.
Enjolras loved her. She never thought that such a day would come. His words had stopped her heart for a moment before it had resumed beating at an almost frantic pace.
He loved her more than France. Never in her wildest dreams had she imagined such words leaving his perfect lips, yet there they were. The knowledge that he felt the same love for her that she did for him had left her energetic yet strangely exhausted. They had made the silent decision together to remain in the library for the remainder of the day.
No more words were spoken as they each picked a book and then sat on the window seat. She pressed herself against his side and rested her head on his shoulder. Attempting to concentrate on the words on the page was a struggle for his arm eventually came around her, making her thoughts drift off to a future where such embraces were a daily occurrence for them. She had attempted to rise and ring for lunch to be brought to them, but the second she had disappeared from his line of sight he was on feet to follow her.
She had smile softly at him and taken his hand in her own as she called for a maid and made her request. He didn't have to say what he was thinking to her. It was obvious from the panic in his eyes that not knowing where she was or what was happening to her would be his fear for a while. It meant having him with her constantly, but was that really such a bad price to pay?
No. It was a gift and a sign of is love. Sure, going to bed that night would be difficult on him but she knew he would strengthen as the days went on.
Her sister had been less certain as she came to discuss everything that night.
"Melodie, are you positive you can deal with this? To be watched so … it's a little alarming, especially coming from Enjolras." Her sister's face was pinched with worry.
"It will be fine. It takes time for Enjolras to trust people and this will be all the harder because it is himself he is learning to trust again. I'm confident that everything will work out."
Arielle had not looked convinced. Melodie sighed and hugged her sister.
"I promise, this type of love will heal him and frankly. It will heal me too. Have faith in me at least, sœur."
Arielle had sighed dramatically and patted her on the back before acquiescing to her request.
And now … now she lay in her bed, happy. Happy, healthy, and in love with a man who loved her back.
What a surprising and gratifying thought!
She was loved and loved in return.
What could possibly be better?
And with that thought, she rolled to her side and prayed for dreams of a happy future with Enjolras as sleep claimed her.
