Casey went up the stairs the next morning and found Severide in his room, crouched down, emptying a dust pan into a trash bag, the rattle of broken glass impossible to miss. Kelly looked up and saw him, and didn't say anything at first, then finally broke the silence with, "Hey, don't come in here barefoot for a few days, there could still be some shards I missed."
"I'm sorry," Matt said somberly.
Kelly looked at him, "Sorry for what?"
"You keep having to clean up my messes."
Kelly managed a small smile as he stood up. "Hey, don't worry about it. You took me in when I was on my ass, about time I did something to repay the favor."
Casey shook his head. "It's not right."
Kelly looked back at him and said solemnly, "I like to think if it was me, you'd do the same."
Casey made a small sound that resembled a laugh and said, "Probably so, God knows the thought of leaving you to your own devices worries me, I've seen how you work on your own."
Kelly snorted.
"So now what?" Casey asked.
"I don't know, Stone said the hearing wouldn't be for two weeks," Severide said.
"Beautiful," Matt rolled his eyes towards the ceiling.
"It's gonna be alright," Kelly told him. He hoped so anyway.
As the morning brief ended and everybody got up from their desks to start shift, Boden walked over to Casey's desk and took notice of his hand wrapped up in a bandage.
"What happened to your hand, Casey?"
Matt looked at his hand as if just seeing the bandage for the first time and answered, "Oh, burnt it."
"And the other hand?" Boden noticed the red knuckles.
"Had an accident."
"Well I hope there aren't anymore 'accidents'," Boden told the lieutenant.
Boden left the briefing room, turned the corner and asked Kelly, "How's he holding up?"
"Uh, honestly, better than I thought," Severide answered.
"And?"
Severide knew that Boden was referring to the issue of Casey getting professional help.
"Not yet, he starts soon, I'll make sure of it, Chief," Kelly said.
Boden nodded, "That's good."
Severide knocked on the doorframe to Casey's room and saw the lieutenant looking at his hand as he peeled the bandage off.
"Hey, how is it?" he asked.
Casey turned his hand over and showed him the bright pink skin that had grown in, "Good as new. Thanks."
"Don't mention it. Hey, let's get out of here," Kelly said.
"What?"
"Casey, you haven't left this house at night in three weeks, you need to get out and relax."
Matt shook his head. "No thanks."
"Come on, Matt, I got just the thing in mind."
"I am not going with you to a cheap strip club," Casey told him.
"Not that," Kelly said, "come on, trust me."
"I've heard that before."
"Well this time I know what I'm doing," Kelly said. "Come on, Matt, I promise you'll love it."
"I am not talking to a shrink!" Casey told Severide in the car ride over to wherever Kelly was taking them.
"You don't have to talk to her," Kelly said. "She's not even like a psychiatrist, Matt, you'll love her."
"How do you know this woman anyway?" Casey asked, "You never introduced her to any of us."
"I know."
Casey turned to him, "How come?"
"I don't know," Kelly replied cynically, "I guess if I don't keep some secrets I might become predictable and you'd stop loving me."
Casey reached over and elbowed Severide.
"Hey not while I'm driving!"
"I can't believe I agreed to go along with this," Casey groaned to himself.
"Just give it a shot, Matt, what've you got to lose?"
"That list grows shorter every day."
Casey looked out the window as Severide pulled the car up to a large two story house that looked like the kind of place police would raid and haul out millionaires and celebrities in the mix.
"Let's go," Kelly said as he opened his door.
Casey leaned back in his seat with his arms folded tight against his chest and a pronounced scowl on his face. Severide poked his head in Casey's window and told him, "Casey, you have two choices, either you come in of your own volition, or I'm going to carry you in...I'm a firefighter, Casey, you know I can do it."
Casey scowled at him but opened his door and got out. "What's her name again?"
"Rhonda Lind, come on, it'll be fine."
"I doubt that."
Casey followed Severide up the sidewalk and looked at the high ceiling over the porch while Kelly knocked on the door. Casey turned his eyes towards the door as he heard the knob turn.
The door opened and a bubbly voice answered, "Kelly!"
Casey's scowl melted away and he felt his mouth fall open and his eyes bug out in shock. The woman who answered the door was almost a dead ringer for Leslie Shay. She was almost as tall as Kelly, had long blonde hair pulled back in a ponytail, and was dressed in a black sweatshirt and beat up blue jeans. Light blue eyes, full pink lips, even the bone structure in her face looked just like Shay.
"Hi, Rhonda," Kelly said with a big smile as he hugged her.
He turned back and grabbed Casey's wrist to pull him to the front. The sudden jerking movement brought the lieutenant back to reality and he tried not to stare at the woman.
"This is Matt Casey," Severide said.
"Come on in," the woman smiled at them. As the two men entered the house, Rhonda closed the door and said to Matt, "It's nice to meet you, Matt, Kelly's told me all about you."
Casey opened his mouth to respond, then did a double take, and glared over at Kelly, "And what did he tell you?"
"Only good things," Rhonda answered assuredly.
"All lies!" Matt automatically replied, a line he had used on previous occasions, but hadn't for a long time. For a brief second he felt like he'd gotten back a piece of himself that had been missing.
"So, are you guys ready to get started?" Rhonda asked.
"Yeah, we are," Kelly told her.
"Great," the blonde woman pointed behind her, "There's a changing room in the back, and then head out the second door on your left."
Casey turned his head and asked Severide suspiciously, "There's a what?"
Casey sucked in a huge breath of air as he emerged in the water and shook the excess off of his hair and skin.
In the backyard of Rhonda's house was an Olympic sized heated swimming pool, and the two lieutenants had spent half an hour going back and forth across the 50 meter distance.
Severide bobbed up in the water like a bath toy and smacked the water off his face and called over to Matt, "Well, what do you think?"
Casey caught his breath and answered, "Interesting therapy session." He called over to the other man, "Severide, how'd you meet that woman?"
"In a bar," Kelly answered without missing a beat.
"What else? You sleep with her?"
Kelly rolled his neck. "Tell the world, Casey."
"Well?"
"We had a thing," he answered. As if reading his mind, he added, "That's one way she's different from Shay, she's not into women...I don't think."
"So what happened?" Casey asked.
Kelly shrugged, "Just didn't work out."
"Too familiar?"
"Not that familiar. She's not that much like Leslie."
"Just looks like her."
"Believe me, I noticed," Kelly replied.
"When did you meet her?"
"...Shortly after Shay died."
Casey nodded silently in understanding.
"It help?" he asked.
"I think so," Kelly responded.
"So...what does she do when she gets you on the couch?" Casey asked.
"She doesn't."
"Huh?"
"I told you she's not like a psychiatrist," Severide said.
"But you've been seeing her all this time?"
"Not officially, I told you, you just talk to her."
"And that works?" Casey asked.
"You'll just have to see for yourself," Kelly told him.
Casey let that sink in, and slipped back under the water. As he resurfaced, they heard the back door swing shut. The floodlights on the house showed Rhonda heading their way with a couple of towels.
"Hey guys," she called to them, "having fun yet?"
"Oh yeah," Kelly called back, "water's great."
Rhonda crouched down on the linoleum right in front of them and asked, "You guys want a drink?"
"No thanks, I'm good," Casey said.
"You got beer in there?" Kelly asked.
"Yeah," she answered.
"Then I'm in," Kelly said as he climbed out of the water. He shivered and let out an instant 'brrrrrrrr' as the chilly night air hit him once he left the heated pool. He turned back to Matt and asked, "Casey, you alright by yourself, buddy?"
Casey waved them off and started on another lap.
"He seems like a great guy," Rhonda said as she watched Casey through the window facing the pool.
"He is," Kelly said, changed back into his clothes, "that's why I hate what's happening to him."
"Come on," Rhonda nodded her head towards the door and they went to the living room. Rhonda sat down on the couch, but Kelly stood leaned against the wall facing her.
"So why did I just hear about this three days ago at 2 o' clock in the morning, and not when it first happened?" she asked.
"Casey didn't want anybody to know, I wouldn't have been able to get him out here," Kelly said.
"I'm not asking about Casey, I'm asking why you didn't tell me what happened," she said.
Kelly looked to the ceiling and shook his head. "I didn't think it would be this bad, I thought the worst would be over after a few days."
She nodded, and asked, "And how were the first few days?"
Kelly looked at her, "What can I say? Casey walked around the house kicking, punching and smashing anything that wasn't nailed down. He tried climbing over the kitchen table to kill me, I don't know, I guess you'd call that normal or something?"
"But you two went back to work two days after it happened," Rhonda said, "how did that go?"
"Casey didn't know anybody knew, so he was fine there."
"And how did he do on the job?"
"Fine. That was the only thing that seemed to take his mind off what happened, going on shift was the only time I didn't have to drag him out of the house, he couldn't get there soon enough. He kept his mind on his work, did it as well then as he ever does, I guess it was the only real distraction he could get so he didn't have to think about it," Kelly explained.
"But that's not a long term solution," Rhonda said. "Sooner or later, he'd have to deal with what happened."
"Which is what he tried to avoid all along," Severide told her, "he begged me not to call the cops, not to take him to the hospital, I did anyway, I thought it was the right thing to do."
"And how have you been doing in light of what's happened?" she asked.
Kelly looked at her hopelessly and asked, "Why does everyone keep asking how I'm doing? Everybody's been asking since the day after, how I'm doing, but I wasn't the one attacked, it doesn't matter how I'm doing, all that matters is how Casey's doing."
"So how are you doing?" Rhonda asked as she crossed one leg over the other and balled her hand up and rested it against her temple.
Kelly looked at her, and after a few seconds he shook his head, "I don't know. All I've tried to do is help Casey and it just seems everything I do is wrong and makes things worse."
She nodded and asked, "So what is the extent of your relationship with Matt?"
"Extent of our..." Kelly's eyes bulged and the look on his face in any other situation would be nothing short of hysterical. "Don't tell me you're like that too, since we're roommates and we live together, that must mean we're sleeping together, right?"
"Are you?" Rhonda asked with absolutely no readable emotion in her voice. Kelly had been spilling his problems on her for years and she was always the same way, no matter what he said or how many times he got defensive with her questions, she couldn't be anymore nonchalant if she was asking him for the time of day. Her voice and her tone never gave any clues to what she was thinking, and it drove him crazy, but somehow it always worked out, so he kept coming back to her to complain about what was bothering him.
But that didn't mean he didn't still get defensive with her. "Not like you're thinking," he sniped.
"I'm not thinking anything, Kelly," Rhonda told him, "I'm letting you tell me what's what."
He calmed down and asked her a bit sheepishly, "Nothing I say leaves this room?"
"Between you, me and the grave, Kelly," she answered.
"And if some defense attorney comes sniffing around wanting to know about what I've told you?" he asked.
"You're not a patient, Kelly," Rhonda explained, "there is not one single record of you listed in any of my paperwork that lists you as a patient, a referral, evaluation, anything. So since you're not my patient, there is no confidentiality, and a lawyer is less likely to come to a psychiatrist about an issue that is not confidential because if it's not confidential, it cannot possibly pertain to any patients, and if it doesn't, they will see absolutely no need to use it in court. We are just two friends having a conversation, and I cannot really be expected to remember every single conversation I have with my friends, can you?"
He smiled at her and said, "You're good."
"I know what I'm doing," she said, "the patients who are confidential don't have any secrets any criminal lawyers would be interested in. I keep my paying patients close, and my 'real' patients off the record."
He grinned and said, "You know, I'm sorry things didn't work out between us, because I think I'm falling in love with you again."
She didn't respond to that and merely said, "Back to the original question, Kelly?"
"The question being do we sleep together?"
"Yes."
"...Not like that."
Rhonda nodded. "If you don't feel comfortable discussing it, we don't have to."
"No, I want to clear this up just so I don't have to wonder what dirty little thoughts are running through your mind when I leave here," Kelly told her as he sat down in a chair beside the couch.
That had been easier said than done. Kelly took a few seconds to figure out exactly what he was going to say, then he jumped into it.
"After the attack, Casey couldn't sleep, he'd wake up every hour screaming, after a while he just sat up on the couch all night so he wouldn't fall asleep, I stayed up with him to make sure nothing happened, I wasn't sure what he was capable of doing."
Rhonda nodded and let him continue.
"One night I'm joking around and jump into bed with him, trying to get a reaction out of him, you know, get him to laugh, do something, he fell asleep...it was the first time since the attack he slept all night without waking up screaming."
"And how did that make you feel?" she asked.
He glared at her, "Smartass."
"Well?"
"I wasn't sure what to make of it, but he needed to sleep, so if it helped for whatever reason, I was willing to do it."
"And did you, past that?" she asked.
"A couple times. After that we stayed up watching TV on the couch, usually just fell asleep after a few hours."
"And he didn't have nightmares?"
"If he did, they weren't enough to wake up yelling, so I guess that's something."
Rhonda nodded again. "You said the first couple days, Casey went around the house hitting everything...that include you?"
"He tried a couple times, it was my fault. Right after the bastard got away, one of the first things Matt said to me was 'don't touch me', that's the only thing I regularly heard out of him for a week or so, 'don't touch me'. I forgot..."
"And he hit you?"
"A couple times...other times he didn't do anything," Kelly said.
"Other times?" Rhonda raised an eyebrow.
"It's not in my nature to stand by and just watch someone suffer. On the job we have to emotionally detach from the victims because that's the only way we can stay focused and get the job done...but off the job, one of my friends...I can't do it."
"And was there a specific way you touched him that triggered his violent reactions?" Rhonda asked.
"No, it was if I put a hand on him at all, sometimes even before I could."
"And the times you did, and he didn't respond, that was 'at all' as well?" she asked.
"I guess so."
"Would you mind showing me?"
"What?"
"I'll be Casey, and you put your hands on me like you did him," she said.
"Are you serious?"
"Let's see if there was a pattern of any sort," Rhonda stood up. "Okay, I'm Matt, and you are trying to help me, what do you do?"
Kelly sighed and felt ridiculous about this, but he decided he didn't have anything to lose. He got up and stood beside Rhonda and looked her over and placed a hand on her shoulder.
"Don't touch me," she said simply. "Right?"
"Yeah, only louder."
"What else?"
Kelly rolled his eyes at this experiment, but he wrapped an arm around her.
"Don't touch me," she said. "More?"
Kelly tried to remember. The first night came to mind. He took a few steps away from Rhonda, then turned around and came towards her, his arms slightly outstretched.
"Don't touch me," Rhonda said, just before he was close enough to reach her.
"Yeah."
"And the times you did and he didn't respond?"
"Come on, Rhonda, this is stupid."
"Just try it, there're no witnesses, nothing that happens here will leave this room," she said.
"Okay," he huffed. He tried to think back to the first time Casey didn't scream at him. He reached over and put his hand on her back, then started rubbing it.
"What else?" she asked.
He tried to remember. He clapped a hand on her shoulder.
"Okay, what else?"
Kelly sighed in remembrance and a second later, wrapped his arms around her in a crushing hug.
"Okay," she said.
"So what does it mean?" Kelly asked as they sat down again.
"I don't think the times Matt said 'don't touch me', that your actions in anyway triggered a flashback for him, I think it was his attempt to regain some form of control in his life, because that's what rapists take away from their victims, their ability to be in control of a situation. Casey knows if he tells you 'Don't touch me', you'll listen to him and likely won't."
"Capp bumped into Casey by accident one day and Casey nearly took his head off," Severide told her.
"Does he have a good relationship with Capp?" Rhonda asked.
Kelly shook his head.
"He trusts you, Kelly, he feels safe around you," Rhonda told him.
That genuinely surprised Severide. "Because I stopped the guy raping him?"
"I don't think so, it goes deeper than that," she said, "you two have known each other since the academy?"
"Right."
"How many close calls have you two had on the job where one had to pull the other out?" she asked.
"Too many to remember," he answered. "But that happens with everybody."
"Maybe so, but I think the instances it's happened to you two over the years has cemented a bond between you, Casey knows if he's in trouble, you will help him."
"Oh yeah, some help I've been lately," he snorted. "If I'd just listened to him, none of this would be happening."
"He was in shock, Kelly, he would've died if you didn't take him to the hospital, and they would've figured out what happened either way," she pointed out. "And the police would have been called as soon as they found out. You're not at fault for anything that's happened."
"Except I told him to trust me, and all I've done is make things worse," Kelly replied.
"Even if you hadn't called the cops, and hadn't told the members of the House what happened, Casey would still have the trauma, he'd still have the nightmares, the insomnia, the flashbacks, the triggers, he would still be going through all of this, but then he would also have a lot less support than he does now, that would not have helped him any," Rhonda explained. "It's painful but it's better to get this out in the open instead of trying to bottle it up."
"And what happens now that it's going to trial, and they're going to pin it all back on Casey and say he wanted it? What if this guy walks? He's already out on bail, what if the jury actually buys it?" Kelly asked.
"What would happen to the next victim he targeted if the cops hadn't stopped him?" Rhonda replied.
Kelly wasn't sure how to answer that.
They heard the knob of the backdoor turning and Kelly looked at Rhonda.
"Just follow my lead," she said.
As the door opened, Rhonda said loudly so the sound traveled halfway through the house, "So I told the guy 'Hey, if you want to learn defensive driving, go to the amusement park with a dozen firefighters and spend 4 hours on the bumper cars'. Of course now with Whirlyball it's even worse, am I right or am I right?"
Severide fell back in his chair laughing like he'd already put away a few beers and replied, "That is so true."
They turned and saw Casey as he entered the dining room dripping wet and wrapped in a towel that practically engulfed him.
"Everything alright, Matt?" Rhonda asked.
"Yeah," he said with a slight shiver, "I'm gonna go get dressed and then we can go."
"Sure thing, buddy," Kelly said.
They waited until he was gone, then Rhonda turned to Kelly and said, "He really is your best friend, isn't he?"
"Oh, there are days I wouldn't swear to it," he responded, "Pretty sure he wouldn't either."
"And why's that?"
"Eh, job related."
"Ah yes, the age old Truck/Squad pissing match, right?" Rhonda asked.
"Do you have any idea how much you remind me of Leslie right now?" Severide asked.
"Incidentally, did you ever apologize to Casey and his team about the whole Rice thing?"
"You're never going to let me live that one down, are you?" he asked her.
"Should I?" she asked in the typical psychiatric pain in the butt answer a question with a question method.
"No," Kelly answered her first question, "with the whole Nesbitt thing and Casey kidnapped and his life threatened, there wasn't really time to squeeze in an 'I'm sorry for being an idiot' in there when we finally found him, we were too busy just being thankful he was alive. And when it was all over, it was too late to bring it up."
"I'm pretty sure he would still remember it," Rhonda said.
He stared at her for the longest time and didn't say anything. "You think I should apologize. Rhonda, that was years ago."
"Well I'd about guarantee Casey knows you're sorry for being a self righteous jackass, but you have to admit it's kind of nice to actually hear it," she replied with a smirk.
"God you remind me so much of Leslie," Kelly said, "Times like this I really wish she was still here."
"She and Matt were close?"
"Not as close as she and I were, but yeah, I think she'd be able to help him right now, she might've been able to undo some of the damage I did," he said. He moved forward in his chair and asked her, "Am I wrong? I've tried to understand the reason why Casey didn't want this getting out to anybody, and in a sense, I get it, it's traumatic, it's humiliating, I get that...but, I just don't get how he could want to keep this to himself. I tried for two weeks to get him to talk about what happened, he shut me down. Boden's secretary, Connie, she talks to him one time, gets him to open up like an umbrella. I don't get it."
"What did Connie do?" Rhonda asked.
"We don't know, nobody knows how Connie does anything she does. All she said was some things take a woman's touch."
"Male rape victims are sometimes more likely to open up to women than they are other men," she told him, "they don't fear the judgment and scrutiny quite as much, as far as they know the women are more likely to understand where they're coming from, because the odds are they've probably been in the same situation themselves."
"Connie? No way, she..." Severide clapped his hand over his mouth as he realized what he started to say.
"And that's part of the problem," Rhonda said, "when we as a society say only certain people can be raped, suggesting they somehow do something to warrant it, or when we say this person or that person can't be raped because they're older, heavier, have a disability, dress respectably, because they're male, a cop, a grandmother..."
"I was going to say ferocious, you've never seen Connie get mad," Kelly said.
"Another problem is there are so many men out there who do understand what it's like, but nobody has any way of knowing who they are, because so many of them don't report their attacks, and don't speak up, so one man could very easily open up to another about his ordeal and there could be a mutual understanding between them, but we still refuse to admit men can be victims of rape as easily as women, so the victims who are willing to come forward only feel comfortable disclosing to women," Rhonda explained, "we're talking a serious failure to communicate here, Kelly."
"Yeah, I guess so," he replied. "So now what do I do?"
"Just let him know that you're there for him, that's all you can do," she told him.
Kelly shook his head, "It's not enough."
"Unfortunately that's all we have," she said.
Kelly turned and looked towards the dining room and said, "He's been back there for a while." He got up from his chair and went to see what was taking so long, Rhonda was right behind him.
They got as far as the kitchen, and stopped. In the corner of the kitchen where there were no appliances or cupboards, there was a small couch near the heat vent in the floor, and Casey was curled up on it asleep. Severide moved to go wake him up, but Rhonda put her hand out and silently mouthed, "shhhh" and motioned for him to follow her back to the living room. Kelly wasn't sure what was going to come of this, but he followed her and they sat back down on the sofa.
"We just gonna leave him there?" he asked.
"Until he wakes up, or it's morning, whichever comes first," she answered, "you know I don't mind the company."
"Boy I wish more psychiatrists were like you," he laughed.
Kelly woke up at 3 o' clock in the morning to use the bathroom, on his way back to his spot on the couch in the living room, he passed by the kitchen and was startled by a sudden incoherent sound. He turned around and saw, courtesy of the small rectangular light that hung over the kitchen sink, that Casey was half turned over and murmuring something. Kelly double checked the clock on the microwave, if what he was about to do kept Casey up the rest of the night, at least he'd already have a six hour head start. He went over to Casey and crouched down and tried to see the other lieutenant's face, but couldn't tell if his eyes were open or not.
"Casey, you awake?" he asked in a hushed tone.
Casey responded with a slurred, "'Ooh is it?"
"It's Kelly."
"Kelly who?"
"Kelly Severide."
Casey moaned softly and turned away from him.
"Casey," Kelly tried again, "Casey, I want to apologize."
Even with his back to him, Kelly could hear him asking, "Fo' what?"
"For being an idiot."
"What now?"
Okay, he guessed he had that coming.
"Just in general."
"Oooohkay."
"I'm also sorry about the whole Rice thing."
Casey yawned and turned back over and asked, "Rice who?"
"Never mind, I'll explain it to you later."
"Ooohkay."
And just like that, Casey was dead to the world. Kelly wanted to laugh. He leaned down close to Matt and watched the steady movement of his chest rising and dropping with every breath he took. He leaned over and lightly kissed Matt on the crown of his head.
"Sleep tight, buddy," he whispered as he moved to get up.
Kelly stood up, turned around, and saw a dark figure standing in the doorway.
"That was touching."
"Geez, you scared me to death!" Kelly whispered as he reached over and slapped Rhonda on the arm. "What're you doing down here, you got bat radar or something?"
"I heard you stumbling around, wanted to make sure you weren't doing anything else stupid," Rhonda whispered.
"And?" he asked.
In the half light from the other side of the kitchen, he could see her smiling at him and she playfully chucked him on the chin and said, "Ya did good, Kelly. Come on."
The two of them went into the living room and Rhonda found the remote and turned on the TV to give them a light to see by. Kelly saw she was wearing a set of black pajamas with Loony Tunes on them.
"Oh that's attractive, that's what you wear to bed now?" he asked.
"You don't like it?" she asked teasingly.
"Compared to what you used to wear to bed, I'd take nothing," he said with a mischievous smirk.
Rhonda's response was to throw a pillow at him. He sat down on the couch with her and she asked him, "So, you gonna tell him again tomorrow?"
"Eh, one of these days," Kelly replied, "I thought it'd be easier the first time if he wasn't fully conscious for it. He needs to sleep, and I don't need an hour of 'I told you so'."
She laughed in response.
Kelly's calm demeanor melted away and he asked her, "What am I going to do if this bastard walks? What's going to happen to Casey then?"
