A/N: This is going to be a tissue chapter. So if you cry easy, I'd have some on hand. So anyway, here's the promised longer chapter.

BELLA

"It's okay." Jasper stated. "I know." I bit my lip still staring at the floor and let my bandaged arm fall limply to my side. I found that I was extremely embarrassed about what I had down in front of him. "I just don't know why. Why would you do this to yourself?"

I continued staring at the floor and swallowed the lump that was growing in my throat since the minute I saw him. I hadn't spoken to any of the Cullens in five months and this definitely was not a conversation I wanted to have with any of them. Especially not, Jasper. Why couldn't it have been Alice or even Rosalie? I had a feeling they would understand better than Jasper ever could.

I wanted nothing more than to run back to the bathroom and return to the wonderful nothingness that was my sanctuary, however, I knew Jasper wouldn't let me get that far. He would've torn the door off its hinges, if he had to, just to stop me. I also knew that he wasn't going to leave without an answer.

I wasn't sure how, but I had finally gotten the courage to look at him. What I saw in his eyes surprised me. He looked sad and pitying but he also looked concerned and scared. Those were emotions he'd never directed at me in my time of knowing him. And something about that made me think that I could tell him this. I took a deep breath and looked back to the floor.

"It's the only thing that makes me forget everything anymore." I stated and averted my gaze back to the floor.

Jasper was silent for a long moment. I was sure he was trying to think of something to say.

"I know what you must be going through right now." he finally stated. "But hurting yourself is not they way to deal with it. You need to talk to someone about it."

His words enraged me. How dare he tell me that he knows what I'm going through? Just because he was an empath and could feel my pain, didn't mean he knew what I was going through. And it certainly didn't give him the right to tell me how I should handle it. I looked back to him with what I hoped was an angry and terrifying glare.

"You don't know anything!" I nearly yelled through gritted teeth.

"I know what it feels like to feel responsible for someone else's death. I know how hard it is to deal with the guilt. I've been there, Bella. You know that." he replied.

I couldn't believe he was trying to compare his situation to my current one. They were on two totally different levels.

"That's different." I stated.

"How?" he countered. "Other than the fact that I actually caused the deaths that I feel guilty for."

"It's different because killing people is in your nature. It's who you are and you weren't taught any better. You were just doing what you knew to be right." I defended my argument.

"That's true, but it's in a human's nature to feel and act on their feelings. So you were just doing what was in your nature by loving both Edward and Jacob."

"But it's our choices that make it different! When you realized how wrong what you were doing was, you went out and found a way to survive without hurting others. You fought your nature for the greater good of other people. Your choice saved futures lives. Mine on the other hand, caused the death of one man I loved, and completely destroyed the other." I explained.

"How do you figure that?" Jasper asked clearly frustrated.

"Because, I could've chosen to walk away when I found out what they were. I knew it was dangerous for me, them, and their families. I could've fought what was in my nature for the greater good of everyone involved, but I was selfish. I let myself love both boys then I broke one of their hearts. I chose my love for Edward over my love for Jacob and it got Edward killed. My love for Edward is what killed him." I replied just as frustrated and a little angry.

"Do you really think that's what killed him?"

"I know it is."

"You're wrong, then." he told me confidently.

His words made me angry but the also intrigued me. I had spent the past five months thinking that this was my fault. Thinking that it was the fact that I chose Edward over Jacob that got Edward killed. There never seemed to be any other logical possibility.

"What do you mean?" I asked as I walked slowly to my bed and sat on it.

"In the end it was actually his love for you that killed him. He knew that Jacob wouldn't stop until one of them was dead and he didn't want you to be in anymore danger. So he decided to end it then and there, to protect you. He knew it was going to be his life or Jacob's and was willing to make that sacrifice for you." Jasper replied.

I had never really thought about it that way. Looking back on that afternoon, I realized that he had plenty of time to get both of us out of there before Jacob attacked. He would've been able to get to the rest of the family before Jacob caught up easily. Instead, he chose to stay and fight and get killed. He chose to leave me forever to protect me. I knew that thought should've made me feel warm and happy inside but it just made me angry. There was one flaw in his perfect plan. One that cut me deeper than even I could've imagined. I was suddenly so angry that I wanted to destroy everything in my path. I picked up my pillow and launched it across the room and yelled,

"Too bad he didn't give much thought to what would happen to me, if he died!"

How dare he leave me like that? I hated him for it. Did he think that I could move on without him. I picked up my lamp off my bedside table and prepared to throw that too, but then I felt a cold hand around my wrist and calmly emotions flowed through my body. I took a couple breaths and allowed myself to accept Jasper's gift.

"Thank you." I said as I placed the lamp back on the table. He smiled at me sadly but I noticed a hint of something like understanding and realization in his eyes.

"You're welcome." he replied and kept a hold of my wrist until I sat down on the bed. He followed and sighed, "He didn't think about what would happen to you because he knew that you would be in good hands with the family. He knew we would help you through it and do everything in our power to make sure that you stayed safe and healthy. I suppose we haven't been doing a very good job, though, have we?"

He looked down at my exposed and scarred arm with a sad smile.

I knew that was the truth even as he said it. Edward knew that I would be in good hands with the family which is why he wasn't worried about the possibility of dying in the fight with Jacob. I knew, though, that I had screwed up that plan by cutting them out of my life. I felt a little guilty about that. I should've realized that he would want them to take care of me after all of this.

A cold fingertip tracing the scars on my not bandaged arm, brought me out of my thoughts. I gasped at the contact. At first, I thought it was because it had been such a long time since I had been touched by a vampire and just had to get used to the temperature again. It took about thirty seconds of Jasper tracing the cuts to make me realize that it was more than just the temperature. The contact sent a jolt of electricity through my body and shivers of pleasure, much like what I felt when Edward touched me, down my arm. Confused, I quickly pulled my arm away from him.

"Sorry." Jasper stated and I could see hurt in his at my reaction.

"It's okay." I replied. "It's just been awhile since I've been touch by one of you, I have to get used to your body temperature again."

"Right." he nodded.

We lapsed into silence as I stared at the blanket on my bed.

"I still don't understand, why?" he stated. "Of all the ways to deal with your grief and guilt, why hurt yourself? Do you want to die? Do you have any idea what that would do to Charlie and Renee? To Alice? Or the rest of our family?"

I could tell he was trying to understand and not be judgemental. However, I could hear a hint of frustration in his voice as he spoke. I knew, though, that he meant well so I didn't get angry about the questions. It actually felt really good to be talking about all of it, right now. I had no idea how much I really needed to until I was.

I continued to to stare at the blanket, out of embarrassment as I prepared to answer his question.

"I do it because it makes me feel nothing. I don't even feel the pain of the blade anymore. I really can't explain it much better than that. I guess if it's one of those things that you've never done, you'll never understand it. I didn't until I started doing." I answered now picking at a loose thread on the blanket. "And yes, I have seriously thought about just standing there and letting all the blood drain from my body. That way, I'd be able to stay in the wonderful oblivion of nothingness and hopefully be able to spend forever with Edward. Then I remember Charlie and Renee and their faces pull me out of it. I could never take their only daughter away from them. That wouldn't be right."

"Does Charlie know?" he asked.

"Do you really think that if he knew, I'd still be doing it?" I answered. "Hell, no. I'd have been to the best shrink in Washington."

Jasper smiled slightly at that.

"You're right but I had to ask." he stated. "Can I ask you something, else?"

"Well, I've just barred my soul to you, so go for it."

"Do you think that Edward would approve of what you're doing? Especially since you're endangering your own life everytime you do it."

The question angered me. It had nothing to do with the fact that Jasper had asked it. I had no problem answering. However, it made me angry to think about the answer. Edward was willing to hurt himself when I died, so why couldn't I be expected to do the same thing. He was so hypocritical on that aspect and it pissed me off.

"Probably not, but I don't care." I answered him. "He was willing to end his life when I died and, even ran off to the Volturi when he thought I was dead. Why can't he allow me the same courtesy? Why can't I be allowed to end my life because he's gone? He was willing to do it if I died."

Jasper placed his hand on my shoulder and lifted my chin with his finger.

"Because, there's a big difference in your circumstances." he said calmly.

"And what's that?" I asked.

"Edward was over a century old." Jasper stated. "And he's been everywhere, seen, done, and learned everything. There was only one thing left for him to do; Meet his mate and spend the rest of her life protecting and taking care of her. If you died, he would truly have nothing left to live for. You were the only thing in his life that had meaning because you where a whole new experience for him. The only one left, really. If you were gone, he'd have nothing left top experience. You, however, have your whole life in front of you. You could go to college, get a degeree, get marry and start a family. You can be happy and human. And experience all the things that you couldn't with Edward. And that's exactly what he would've wanted you to do. He wouldn't have wanted tou to dwell on his death. Or hurt yourself. He'd want you to live out the remainder of your life to the fullest extent possible."

"I know." I stated. "It's just so hard to go on without him. After I met him, I couldn't imagine life without him and now that he's not here, I don't know what to do." I sighed.

I could feel tears prickling my vision but I couldn't let them out. I knew if I started crying I wouldn't be able to stop. There were still things that needed to be discussed before I could have my break down.

"Well, you're taking the first step now." Jasper stated. "You're talking about it with someone. Now, we just need to find you another outlet that doesn't involve hurting yourself. Do you think you can do that?"

I stared into his eyes for a moment before I answered. Once again, I could see the fear and concern in his eyes and it was directed at me. That still shocked me. I had no idea that he cared about me. I figured he just put up with me because of Alice and Edward. The look not only shocked me but it reached somewhere in my soul. I found, like I had so often with Edward, after seeing that look in his eyes, I couldn't deny him anything.

"I can try." I stated.

"That's all I ask." Jasper replied. "But you won't have to do it alone this time. I'll be here to help you."

"Why do you care so much?" I asked, my curiousity getting the better of me. "I didn't think that you even liked me. You never really put much effort into a relationship with me and only ever spoke to me when you needed to. I figured that you only tolerated me because of Alice and Edward."

Jasper looked down at the bed this time and sighed.

"I suppose I owe you an explanation for that. However, you're assumption is incorrect. I care about you, quite a bit actually. As much as I care about Edward and even Alice. It's because I care about you that I was the way I was." he explained.

"I don't understand." I asked confused.

"Well, I have to be honest, when Edward first brought the idea of bringing you into the family up, I wasn't very happy about it. I was worried about all the things that could go wrong and the possibility that the family could get hurt because of it. The day Edward brought you over to meet us and I got a read on your emotions, I knew there wasn't anything to worry about. You were both too much in love to hurt each other. Still, I kept my distance, at Edward's request. We didn't want to take any chances with your safety. I got more comfortable with you when we spent all that time in the hotel in Pheonix. However, just when I thought I could handle getting closer to you, your eighteenth birthday happened and Edward made us leave. I was glad for it. I didn't want to put you at risk any more. And not just because Edward and Alice would kill me if I killed you, because I care so much about you. I didn't understand why, then and I still don't now. All I know is from the day I saw you, I wanted you to be safe as much as Edward did, and that's why I respected his wishes to keep my distance." he explained. "I still want that for you. I want you to be safe and happy, just like the rest of the family. You've tried it by yourself and it didn't work, so why not try it with our help?"

"You guys still want to help me? Even after what I did and all the trouble and heartache of brought on the family." I questioned a little unsure.

"Bella, you're a Cullen now, you've been one since the day Edward saved you from being crushed by the van, and you'll always be one. It'll take a hell of a lot more than a couple sadistic vampires and a jealous werewolf to change that. Besides, the family isn't whole without you. You remind us what it's like to be human. And you've helped us in your own little way. We are better people because Edward brought you into our lives and we don't ever want to lose you. So will you please let us help you?"

I looked down at the mattress and thought about everything that had happened. I had to swallow the lump in my throat as I felt a few tears running down my cheeks. I realized that talking about the little things that we had, made me feel a lot better than I had in long time.

I thought for a moment about what Edward would want of me. I knew he wouldn't want me to continue hurting myself. He loved me too much to want to see that. Plus, I missed the Cullens almost as much as I missed Edward. I had forgotten how wonderful it felt when I was with them. I'd forgotten how they had a way of making me feel better just by talking to me.

"Yes." I managed to choke out and nod before the lump in my throat finally one the war.

I let out a sob as the tears came in torrents streaming down my cheeks. The sobs ripped through my body as Jasper pulled me into his chest and kissed the top of my head. Every bit of pain that I'd kept inside for the last five months was being poured into his chest as he did his best to comfort me by talking and stroking my hair. He didn't seem to mind that I was ruining a, most likely, highly expensive shirt.

I cried for hours and Jasper never once tried to use his gift to calm me down. I was grateful for that. I needed to let it all go before I could even begin the healing process.

A/N: The end of this chapter is crap and I'm sorry. I was just getting frustrated because I couldn't remember how I phrased certain things. Plus, I was getting restless sitting here. Anyway, I hope you like it. Please, review.