A/N: I'm sorry for the delay. My muses went on a short vacation. I knew what I wanted to do but wasn't completely sure how I wanted to do it. Well, last night, I watched one of my favorite episodes of Charmed, Hell Hath No Fury, S. 3 Ep. 3, and I was all like, "Hell, yes, this is perfect!". Charmed fans will understand when we get there. I hope it doesn't turn into a carbon copy of the original conversation though. Also, this is definitely going to be a tissue chapter so have a pack ready. Let's get started then.
BELLA
I had a better night's sleep than I had in a long time. Granted, I was still plagued by horrible dreams, but with Jasper there to calm me when they got out of hand, I didn't wake. I don't think he completely grasped how his just being there was helping me.
I was now in the shower, without any sharp objects, with Jasper sitting on the toilet. I may have promised not to hurt myself anymore, but it was easier said than done. Jasper knew that, of course. Which was why he went through all of my shower stuff and removed and destroyed all of my blades. He also insisted upon sitting in the bathroom with me, just in case he missed any. I seriously felt like a five year old. However, I knew that I deserved it.
Jasper had told me when I woke up that he wanted to take me somewhere and asked if there was anything I wanted to do before I left. I told him I needed to take a shower. When he questioned me, I explained that I would pretend to shower when cutting myself, for Charlie's sake. It was just habit to be in the tub when cutting now. And on the nights I cut, I don't usually really shower. He accepted that answer and told me to hurry.
"So where are you taking me?" I questioned through the curtain as I rubbed shampoo into my hair.
"It's a surprise." he replied.
"You know I hate surprises." I stated. He mumbled something that I didn't catch. "What did you say?"
"Nothing." he replied.
"Okay." I said a little confused. "Is it a good surprise or a bad surprise?"
I was trying to weedle as much information as possible out of him. I was at a complete lose for where he could want to take me. I thought for a minute that he was going to take me to his place. I nixed the idea, because I knew if he decided to take me there, Alice would've been here by now to excited to wait.
"I'm not sure." he answered as I rinsed my hair and moved on to conditioner. "Let's just put it this way, you aren't going to like it when we get there but you'll feel better when we leave."
Okay, that just confused me more. What did his riddle mean? I stopped questioning him and tried to puzzle it out as I washed my face and body. I wouldn't like it when we got there but I'd feel better when we left.
There was only one place that I could think of where I didn't want to go. However, I didn't think that Jasper was stupid enough to take me there. Unless, of course, he had a death wish. Somehow, I doubted it. I nixed that idea as I rinsed myself completely off. Jasper wouldn't do that to me. Not after last night. He'd understand my need to stay away.
"I'm finished." I stated as I shut off the water.
"Alright. I'm going back to your room." He answered. "If you take longer than five minutes, I'm coming back. And even if it doesn't take you that long, I'll be able to smell the blood."
I knew by his tone what his intentions were. He wasn't being accusatory or anything just careful and protected.
"I know." I responded not in the least bit irritated.
I waited until I heard the door close before I opened the curtain and stepped out of the shower. My clothes were laying in a pile on the sink. I dried myself off and put the clothes on.
The outfit consisted of a pair of gray sweatpants and a pink camisole. Jasper said that I should dress in something comfortable and that I shouldn't worry about hiding my scars. Nobody cared about my scars where we were going. I then brushed my hair and pulled it into a low ponytail.
I studied myself in the mirror for a moment. I had to admit, I looked much better than I had the night before. Hell, I felt a lot better than I had the night before. I supposed Jasper was right, having someone to talk to who understood was good. Maybe, if I hadn't walked away from the Cullens and let them help me, I wouldn't have sunk so low as to hurt myself. I shrugged the thought off.
I couldn't really do much about what happened five months ago. I couldn't change it, as much as I wanted too. I'd just have to spend the future making up for it. I'd have to apologize and thank them for not giving up on me, if when I gave up on myself. I hope they'd all be as understanding as Jasper had been.
I picked up my dirty towels and headed back to my bedroom. Jasper was sitting at my computer. It looked like he was playing one of the card games. I didn't know which because he was doing it entirely too fast for my poor human eyes to keep up. He looked up when I shut the door.
"Are you okay? I was about to come in after you." He stated.
"I'm fine. I just took a little time to reflect with my reflection." I answered.
"Really. And did you like what you saw?" he asked.
"Not really. I've made some terrible mistakes in the last five months. Mistakes that I, unfortunately, can't change." I answered displaying the thin pink scars that covered both my arms. "And ones that I have to make up for. Especially the ones, I made with you guys. I walked out on you when all you've ever done was try to help me. And I'm so sorry for that."
"Bella, don't." Jasper stated coming over and pulling me into his embrace. "We understand what you've been going through. You lost your lover. People do crazy things when it comes down to something like that. You, who, always blame yourself for everything, blamed yourself for this and ran from those you didn't fee worthy of. We get how you felt at that point. And we knew you needed the space to try and figure this out. So don't apologize, please, it's not your fault. None of it is."
His understanding words made a lot of sense to me. They also made me feel a little bit better about what I did. I had always known in my heart that the Cullens would never hold what happened to Edward nor my self removal from the family against me. However, it felt good to be able to hear someone say actually say it. It reminded me that I was part of their family and would be regardless of what I said or did to hurt them.
"Thank you, Jasper." I whispered pulling him back to me. "I really needed to hear you say that." He simply nodded as he released me. "So are we ready to go?"
As worried as I was about where he was taking me, I was extremely curious about it. His little riddle was taunting me and I wanted to know the answer. I was anxious at the same time, though. I felt like I just wanted to get it over with. Whatever it was.
He sighed and nodded.
"How are we getting there?" I asked.
"We're going to run because I left my car at home." he answered.
I gulped. Fantastic. Not only did I hate the whole running thing, but I hadn't run with any of them since the day Edward died. I know it shouldn't have been that big of deal, but it was just something that I didn't want to experience yet.
"We could always take my truck?" I suggested.
"Running'll be faster. Besides, if we have to park, I know I won't be able to get you out of the car." he answered.
Now that really confused me. Where could he possibly want to take me that would cause me to not even want to get out of a car? I simply nodded and followed him out of the room and out the back door. We walked until we got to the cover of the trees.
"How do you want to do this?" he asked. "Piggy back or bridal style?"
"Whichever is more convient for you." I stated not wanting to complicate his life anymore than I already had.
"Piggy back." he answered and I nodded as he stooped down.
I climbed onto his back and buried my face into his shoulder as I had always done with Edward. He took off the second that I was situated. I didn't look up as we ran. All I knew is that we were going extremely fast. It was actually a few minutes, rather than seconds, before we stopped.
Jasper set me gently on the ground, I kept my eyes closed as I waited for the shaking in my legs to cease. When I was finally able to open my eyes, my plummetted into my stomach as I realized where we were. The meadow; where it all took place.
I stood there and looked around in utter shock. I couldn't believe that Jasper had brought me here. I didn't think he was that stupid. My heart filled with pain and rage as my eyes fell on the spot where Jacob had burned Edward.
My arm twitched as I found myself wanting nothing more than to hurt myself. I had to make the emotional pain go away by inflicting physical pain on myself. Remembering my promise, I turned my anger towards Jasper instead.
"You better have a good reason for bringing me here." I said through gritted teeth as I turned to glare at him.
"I do." he responded calmly. "In the time that I've spent watching you, I've realized that you're very angry and that's why you've been hurting yourself."
"Gee, you think." I replied sarcastically. "Now, if you don't mind, I'm going home." I tried to push past him, but he wouldn't budged. I, then, attempted to go around him, but he was in front of me before I got two steps away.
"I can't let you do that. Not until you've dealt with what you're really angry at. It's the only way to completely get over it and better."
"Well, that's going to be a problem, seeing as what I'm really angry at hasn't shown his stupid face in over five months." I said.
I tried to go in a different direction. I just needed to get out of there. Why did Jasper have to do this? I was finally willing to try and get better, but being here, it was too much. I couldn't take it. This was way too soon. Jasper, of course, was faster than me and ended up in front of me again.
"That's not true." he stated. "And you know it, somewhere deep inside. Jacob's not the one you're angry at and it's certainly isn't yourself. Somewhere inside of you, you know that Edward's death isn't anyone's fault but his own. You need to recognize that and recognize that it is okay to hate him for it."
"No!" I screamed and tried changing directions again. "This isn't Edward's fault! He was just trying to protect me from Jacob!"
"Exactly!" Jasper replied. He was, once again, blocking my path. "Edward fought Jacob to protect you from him. And that got him killed. He tried to protect you, yes, but he left you with nothing and no one to talk at last, that's what losing him felt like to you. You spent the last five months alone and in pain. All because he chose to fight Jacob and then lost that fight. He's gone and your broken and alone and it's okay to hate him for that. God knows, I do!"
Something in me cracked as he said those words. Anger beyond anything I had ever felt in my life, was seeping through the sadness and pain, I'd felt from being back there. I wasn't sure where it had come from or who it was directed at. It was just there. I found myself pounding on Jasper's chest trying to force him to let me leave. I couldn't take this anymore.
"Let me go!" I growled.
"Not until you feel this. You need this! It's the only thing that's going to get you over it!" he growled back.
I continued to pound on his chest as the anger coursed through my body. I needed to let it out but I still wasn't sure who I was angry with. Jasper's words made a lot of sense as I thought back to that day and any other day Edward had risked his life for me. It made me even angrier to realize that he never once thought of me being without him. Still, it didn't seem right to be angry with him for this. He was only trying to protect me, after all.
"Look at what you've done to yourself because he left you." Jasper continued. "You risk your life everytime you hurt yourself because of of what he did. That doesn't seem fair to me. He's gone and you're the one who suffering."
I looked at my arms and thought about every night I bleed for Edward and that's when the crack ripped itself completely open. Anger was now pulsing through every part of my body.
"Why?!" My scream echoed through the meadow. "Why did you leave me?!" I realized Jasper and ran to the spot where Edward had been burned. "Why did you have to fight?! You knew there was no way you could defeat him by yourself! You could've just taken me to meet the family! But, no, you had to protect me, and now here I am left with nothing but the scars of your memory! Did you even think about what would happen to me if you were gone?! Of course not, you were too selfish to think about that! As long as I was still alive for you, then everything was fine! But what about you being alive for me?! I need you! I can't do this alone! Why were you so stupid?! Huh? I really want to know! I mean, look what you did to me!" I held my arms out in front of me face up to the sky for him to get a good look. "I hurt myself because you left me! How does that make you feel?!"
The anger was gone as suddenly as it had come. It was, once again, replaced with a sadness and pain much worse than what I felt when I realized where Jasper had brought me. My knees gave under me as I collapsed onto what was essentially Edward's final resting place. I pounded my fist into the spot on the ground a couple times before I let the anguish take over.
I let the tears flow, knowing I'd feel better once it was all out. I was down there for a good two minutes before Jasper joined. I think he was waiting to see if I flared up again.
I sensed him as he knelt beside me and wrapped his cold arms around me. I turned into him and clutched his shirt, sobbing relentlessly into his chest. He held me tight and comforted me, once again, without his gift.
I appreciated it as much as I had the night before. I held way too much back in the last five months and now that I was finally able to let it all out, I wasn't ready to stop.
A/N: Well, what do you think? I hope it wasn't too like the scene from Hell Hath No Fury. Anyway, please review. I can't wait to hear from you.
