A/N: Sorry this took me so long to get out. I have been like crazy busy lately. I've hardly had time to breathe. Also, I know I'm like behind on the times and all of you probably know this, but I just found out today that one of my favorite book series is going to be a T.V. series on The CW in the fall. Anyone who reads the Vampire Diaries by L.J. Smith might be interested in watching. I've done my research and though they've changed a lot, it still looks and sounds like it is going to be an amazing T.V. show. I can't wait to see how it turns out. It's going to be on Thursdays at eight in the fall on The CW. I can't find the exact air date for it but I'll post it once I find out. Anyway, on to the story. It is what you're all reading for anyway. LOL
BELLA
As I kneeled there, crying into Jasper's chest with his arms around my waist, I started to realize that he was right. I hated that he brought me here. It was the last place I ever wanted to be again. The scene from the horrible day just kept replying in my mind, I couldn't get rid of it. However, even as I knelt there sobbing, I felt ten times better. It was like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. Jasper had been right.
I was very angry with Edward for leaving me. Yet, I couldn't bring myself to believe. Why? Because he had died in order to save me. How could I ever be angry with him for that? Which is why I subconciously turned my anger inward and in way began taking it out on myself.
The truth was, though, I had every right to be angry with Edward. He had promised me that he'd never leave me alone, ever again. He broke that promise by allowing Jacob to kill him. Now, he was gone and he wasn't ever coming back. Which is what hurt the most. It's not like I could convince myself he had just gone on a long hunting trip and would be back in a week or so. He was gone forever and it was entirely his fault.
Jasper made me acjnowledge that and I would forever be grateful to him. My outburst had done so much for me in that short minute. I no longer felt like this was my fault. Hell, I knew that it was Edward's and Jacob's. It made the truth a little easier for me to swallow.
I continued to cry into Jasper's chest, thinking about how wonderful it was to be able to cry and have someone who truly understood what I was crying about. I found myself thinking about the Cullens and realized that I had made a big mistake in walking away from them. I briefly wondered what would've happened had I stayed with them and let them help. I probably never would've fallen into the trap of constantly hurting myself. The were the only people in the world who could truly understand my pain, because they were the only ones who knew the truth about what happened.
The pack knew, of course. However, I made it quite clear to Sam that I didn't want anything more to do with the pack, when he came to offer his condolences on behalf of the pack. I asked him what he planned to do about Jacob and he told me that Jacob had been exiled. I told him to leave and not come back, then I slammed the door in his face. I haven't heard from anyone in La Push, not even Billy, since.
I realized that I had screwed myself in cutting off the other people who could truly help me get over this. I could've been better by now, if I hadn't been so stubborn about trying to protect them. Unfortunately, I didn't think about it too hard before I acted. All I saw was myself messing up the Cullens' lives. I didn't think about the things I brought to the family, nor how much they helped me as a person. I had grown up so much in the time I had known them and they got me through so much. I couldn't believe that I had ever let them go. It wasn't until then that I realized how much I truly missed them, all of them, even Rosalie.
I knew going back would mean that I'd have to apologize. It was something that I could most definitely do. I just wasn't sure, despite what Jasper had told me the night before, if they would accept it and take me back. I knew there was only one way to find out, though.
I pulled away from Jasper and looked into his face. He looked back at me with a sad smile on his face. I was aware that I still had tears rolling down my cheeks. Jasper reached up and wiped them away with his thumbs.
"I wanna see the family, now." I stated. My voice was shaking from the want to continue crying. "I miss them."
"Are sure you're ready for that?" he asked. "I don't want to do this too fast. If we go to early, it could hinder your progress."
"I'm ready Jasper." I answered. "I need to see them. There's so much that I have to say to them. So much I should've told them everyday for the last five months. Maybe, if I had, I wouldn't have done this." I held the arm I cut last night up to his eye level. They gauze was gone, and the cuts had begun healing over.
Jasper sighed as he took my arm in his hand. He used the other to trace the cuts like he did the night before. I got the same electric shock feeling that I had the night before. Only this time I didn't pull away. It was what I felt whenever Edward touched me, only better. I found myself wishing that he would touch me in other places.
Woah! Where did that come from? Jasper was my best friend's husband and my dead fiance's brother. There was no way I could like him like that. It would definitely ruin any chances that I had of being welcomed back into the family.
I quickly jerked my arm away. I saw hurt flash briefly in his eyes as he pulled his hand away.
"I'm sorry. It's still tender from last night." I lied.
"Right." he replied, then changed the subject. "So you really want to do this now?" I nodded. "Okay, then, do you want to go back to Charlie's and change before we go?"
I knew what he was asking. My scars were exposed in the cami and he didn't think that I would be comfortable showing them off. However, they already knew about it and seeing as I was going to be honest about everything, I didn't see the point.
"What's the point?" I asked Jasper. "Everyone already knows anyway. Besides, they're all going to see them sooner or later. May as well get it over with."
"Are you sure?" he asked. "This is going to be difficult enough for you. Do you really want to add more uncomfortability to it?"
"Jasper, they're my family." I told him. "If I can't be comfortable showing them my scars, then there's no point in me even trying to make things right."
He sighed.
"Okay, but I'm going to take you back to Charlie's." he stated. "Will you, at least, grab and sweatshirt, just in case you decide that you want to cover up? I don't want you to be anymore uncomfortable than you are already going to be."
"Alright." I said deciding it was the least I could do for everything that he had done for me already. "I'll go back to Charlie's and get a hoodie."
"Thank you." he stated and leaned over to kiss the top of my head.
The kiss sent shivers of pleasure down my spine. Once again, it was like when Edward used to randomly kiss me, only better. I, once again, found myself wanting him to kiss me somewhere else. Stop it!
Where was this all coming from? I couldn't have feelings for Jasper. There was no way. He was Alice's husband and mate. I couldn't do that to her. She was like my sister in so many ways. Besides, Jasper wanted her not me, so there was no hope for us to have anything together anyway.
I decided to chalk it up to my heightened state of emotions as he pulled away. He stared at me for a long minute, as if he was considering kissing me somewhere else. I wondered for a brief second if that had been what he had wanted to do. However, he pulled away before I could put too much thought into it.
"Well, if we're going, I should probably call and give the family a heads up." he stated. "Knowing Alice, they probably already know. But I'll call just in case."
He pulled out his cell, stood, and walked across the meadow dialing Alice's number. I turned back to the spot where Edward had been burned.
It had been five months and the grass had, yet to grow back. I assumed that it had something to do with what was burned there. Then there was what looked like two permanent scorch marks on the ground. I ran my hand over the spot and instantly felt guilty about my earlier thoughts of Jasper.
I knew very well that Edward was going to want me to move on without him. I also knew that five months was a decent amount of time. However, I highly doubted he would be very happy if I got with his brother and hurt Alice, thus destrouying the family even more. It would in the very least be an insult to Edward's memory. I couldn't do that to him.
I closed my eyes and locked everything I had just felt with Jasper away in a tiny box and buried it deep in my heart. I didn't need to ruin the family or insult Edward's memory before I had even gotten the chance to apologize for my first transgression.
Jasper's cold hand on my shoulder startled me out of my thoughts. I turned to look at him. He was smiling the same sad smile from earlier.
"Alice had a vision earlier today." he said. "She knew you were coming and the family's been getting things ready since. Esme's spent all day cooking your favorite, cheeseburgers and french fries, while Alice has been busy with a cake."
I rolled my eyes and said,
"I wish they wouldn't do that."
"I know but they want to." he replied. "Besides, they're as happy to have you coming home as you are to be going home."
"I know, and that's why I'm just going to grit my teeth and let them do what they want. It's the least I could do after everything." I answered.
"That's my Bella." he whispered and kissed my forehead again. The box that I had just buried, rattled a little at the action. I, however, ignored it. "We should get going?" Jasper stated and knelt down in front of me.
I climbed onto his back and assumed my usual position. He took off the minute that I was comfortable. We were back at Charlie's within mintues. I ran up the stairs, grabbed a seatshirt, and wrapped it around my waist. Then I quickly scribbled a note to Charlie about where I had gone.
I knew he wouldn't be too happy about it. However, that didn't matter to me at the moment. I had to take care of my own thoughts and emotions at the moment. It was the only that I would be able to truly move on. Charlie couldn't understand, so I had to go to someone who did. If he truly loved me, he would understand my need to do this.
I met Jasper back outside and a clambered onto his back. We were off within seconds, my head tucked into his shoulder blade. I could tell we were getting close to the house because Jasper started to slow. My heart, however, picked up speed. I could feel it thudding against my chest and I had a feeling that Jasper could hear it.
I was proved right when Jasper stopped and put me on the ground. He turned me around so that I was facing him.
"You don't have to do this." he stated. "If you're not ready, they'll understand. We can come back another time."
"No, Jasper." I replied. "I want to do this, now. I need to do this, now. I'll be fine. I'm just a little nervous, that's all."
"If you're sure." he stated and pulled me gently toward the door.
As we walked in, I found myself wondering what horrors Alice had planned for me. I hoped it didn't involve any kind of presents. Not only was I not in the mood, but I didn't want a repeat of my eighteenth birthday. It would be too much for the day. I gulped as we entered the dining room.
It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. There was a big banner hanging behind the table. It read, Welcome Home Bella!!!!!!!, in big letters and was sighed by everyone, including Rosalie. I also noticed that Alice had written Jasper's name in for him. The table held a plate full of cheeseburgers and a bowl of at least three pounds of fries. There was a cake in the center of the table. It wasn't as big as the one for my eighteenth birthday, but it wasn't small either.
The family was ensembled around the room. Everyone looked, more or less, happy to see me back. This was a relief considering how I left.
Esme, who was standing in the doorway next to Carlisle, was the first to speak,
"I know you haven't been eating well, so I made plenty and you can eat as much as you like."
"Thank you, Esme." I smiled. "But you didn't have to do it."
"I know. I wanted to." she replied. "It's my way of showing you how happy I am that you're back." Tears prickled my vision as she pulled me into a hug. I wrapped my arms around her.
"I'm glad to be back." I whispered.
I had a similiar exchange with every member of the family. Even Rosalie, to my shock and appreciation. I got several hugs from Alice and Emmett. A couple of times, Emmett nearly crushed my ribs in his excitement. It was nearly a half hour before I had a chance to sit down and eat.
I didn't realize how hungry I truly was until I started eating. By the time I was finished, I had eaten four cheeseburgers, a pound of fries, and two slices of the cake. Everyone was silent while I ate. And thankfully, no one asked about the scars on my arms. It was definitely not how I would've wanted to begin the conversation. Once I finished, Esme put the leftovers in plastic containers and stuck them in the fridge.
"Why don't we go into the living room?" Carlisle suggested. "It'll be a little more comfortable for a talk."
I froze. This was the part I had been dreading. I wanted to talk to them but I still wasn't completely positive about what I wanted to say. I didn't know how to express the things I was feeling at the moment. Not to mention the fact that I was worried they wouldn't forgive me for what I had done. I felt a cold hand grasp my wrist gently and looked up to see Jasper standing there with an encouraging smile on his face. I felt a little better as I stood and followed him into the living room.
The second we sat down, Alice was right next to me. She put her arm aroun my shoulder and shot a mock death glare at Jasper.
"No fair!" she said teasingly. "You had her to yourself all night. It's time to share. You're not the only one who missed her, you know?"
I laughed along with Jasper. I knew that it was Alice who had probably missed me the most. I had been the closest to her and she latched on to me within a few weeks of knowing me. I felt terrible for taking myself away from her like that. I laid my head on her shoulder as Jasper put his hand on top of mine. I felt better than I had in a long time, finally having my support system back.
We sat in silence for a long time. My thoughts were swimming around in my head. I knew I needed to say something soon. However, I couldn't quite get my thoughts in order enough to even begin a speech.
"You don't have to talk now, if you don't want to." Carlisle stated after a few minutes. "You're back here with us and that's all that matters. We can talk about it and deal with everything as you feel comfortable talking about it."
"I appreciate that, Carlisle." I answered. "However, I do want to talk about it. I just need a minute to get my thoughts in order."
"Of course. Take all the time you need." he replied. "We aren't going anywhere."
I smiled and went back to my thoughts. They were swimming around and making it impossible to put things together. I wanted and needed to start talking but I didn't know where to begin. Finally, I decided that if I didn't start talking soon, I never would.
In the end, I just opened my mouth and said the first thing that came to mind. After that, the rest just flowed out. I told them how I felt that day in the field when Edward died and how wished with all my heart that I could tell Charlie the truth about what had happened, that would he would stop hating Edward for something that he didn't do. I told them what I was thinking about the day I walked away and I apologized to them for it. I explained how I found some comfort in my human friends because they helped me forget a little. I also explained how it wasn't enough. I told them about what Jasper and I did this afternoon.
The more I talked, the better I felt. It was as if all of my sadness and pain had been contained in the words that I had spent months unable to say. And now that I was saying them I didn't want to stop. The Cullens remained quiet and didn't interupt the entire time I spoke. I talked for hours and hours.
I would stop every once in a awhile when I got a little over emotional. Alice and Jasper helped me a lot in those moments. I would pick up where I left off, once it passed. When I finally finished, I recieved loving hugs and encouraging words from everyone.
"There's one thing I don't understand, though, Bella," Emmett stated, "I know you were angry and everything but why would you hurt yourself like that. I mean surly you knew that none of us wanted to see you like that. I mean there were so many other things you could've done. Why that?"
I knew someone was going to ask that question eventually. I just wasn't quite ready for it when it happened. Emmett didn't look angry just concerned and curious. I knew that he was having trouble fathoming why I did it. He'd probably never had something like this happen to him and didn't understand what it truly meant to be depressed enough to want to hurt himself.
"Well, Emmett, it was the only thing that reallt made everything else go away." I answered. "It was like I was numb inside when I ever I hurt myself. I didn't even feel the blade scrape across my skin. Feeling nothing was bliss for me." I answered.
He noodded sadly but I could look into his eyes and tell that he still didn't understand. I was about to explain, but Carlisle beat me to it.
"Emmett, you'll probably never understand the reasons behind it." he explained. "She could try to explain until she's blue in the face but you'll never get it. It's just one of those things that you won't be able to understand until you've been there and done it. That's just how it is."
"Thank you, Carlisle." I sad and he smiled sympathetically. "However, I want to assure everyone that Jasper and I have discussed the mattered and I realized that it's not something Edward would want me to continue doing. He wouln't want me to endanger my life every time I pick up the blade. And that's why, I've decided to stop. Jasper's going to help me and I'm sure the rest of you will as well."
"Of course, we will." Rosalie stated and everyone nodded their agreement.
I smiled just happy to be back with my family, again. We changed the subject after that and began talking about different things. Mostly old Cullen stories, and I mean old. I found myself laughing for the first time since Edward was killed. It was well after midnihgt when I drifted of to sleep still lying on Alice's shoulder.
A/N:What do you guys think? This one gave me a hard time because it's so much longer than others I had written. I hope it turned out okay though. Don't worry, things get a little happier after this. Anyway, let me know what you think. Please review.
