A/N: Sorry for the wait guys. I had a hard time deciding the best way to tackle this chapter. I've giured it out, though. The first part is going to be from an outsider P.O.V. because it's going to be easier and take up less time to do it like that. I hope it turns out okay. Warning though, it has a bit of a sad ending.
NARRATOR
The three months that followed Bella and Jasper's decision to iugnore their feelings were long and hard on everyone.
Alice tried her hardest to just let it go and see what happened like Esme said. That was, however, proving more and more difficult as time wore on.
It was hard for her to be around Jasper, who tried to remain loving and doting, and know that his heart was somewhere else entirely. She could see it in his eyes and feel it in his kiss. He wanted Bella and not being with her was killing him. She could see that. However, she wasn't ready to let him go yet. She loved him way too much.
The guilt over that was getting to be way too overwhelming for her. She could see the two hurting a little more everyday over. They wanted and needed to be with each other and it made her crazy to think that he feelings were the only thing standing in their way.
Jasper, who was havuing problems with his own anger, pain, and guilt, was drowning in Bella's and Alice's as well. He could also tell, despite his attempts to keep it away from her, that Alice new she there was someone else. He could tell in the way she kissed him and held him. It was like she didn't want to lose him, yet, was preparing to let him go. It was making him crazy.
He knew the only fair thing to do would've been to let her go. At least, that way, she could have the chance to find someone else who would love her. And she wouldn't have to spend every minute wondering when it would be their last. However, he knew that divorcing her for her best friend would hurt way more than what he was doing now. He didn't want Alice to go through that kind of pain. Besides, he had his promise to Bella to think about. She begged him, on several ocassions, not tell Alice, no matter how much the situation was hurting Bella, herself.
Poor Bella had it worse than any of them. She had to spend every waking moment watching the man she loved with her best friend. She resented Alice for it and felt extremely guitly for it. Alice was her best friend and Jasper's wife. She hated that she wanted her best friend's husband. That was the thing that was killing her the most.
What was worse? She didn't have anyone she could talk to about it. She had long since gotten over her problems with Edward's death. Now everything she was feeling involved around her feelings for Jasper. And the guilt over Alice. Things she couldn't talk to anyone about. Not even Carlisle.
She had stopped talking to him during the session. She didn't know what to say anymore. The one thing she needed to talk through was the one thing she couldn't. She eventually just shutdown all together. She refused to talk to anyone, except Jasper and was slowly slipping back to the person she was after Edward's death.
She even seriously considered going back to old habits. The only thing stopping her from doing just that was her feelings for Jasper. She had promised him, after all. She just had to remind herself of the promise everytime they thought about it. However, it was getting harder and harder as the days wore on.
Esme was extemely worried about and sad for all three of her children. She just wanted all of them to be happy. She knew, though, that in this situation, there was no happy ending. In the end one of them was going to be hurting. She wished that it didn't have to be that way, but such is life. She tried to help Alice as much as she could and prayed it would all work out in the end. Maybe Alice would meet someone and everything wouold be okay. One could only hope.
Carlisle, Rosalie, and Emmett, the only ones who had no idea what was going on, noticed the changes in not only Bella but Alice and Jasper as well. While they simply passed Jasper's and Alice's off as a problem they would eventually work out on their own, they worried for Bella. She was slowly closing up again. She was spending more and more time alone in her room. And she had stopped talking to Carlisle during their sessions.
This worried Carlisle a great deal more than everyone else. He knew that the session were the only thing that kept Bella from hurting herself. If she wasn't talking that meant she was keeping everything inside and could only lead to one thing in the end. He didn't want her to relapse, yet, he couldn't even begin to comprehend what brought the changes on.
Rosalie and Emmett were just as confused and worried about Bella's regression. They didn't want her to relapse either. They wanted their little sister to find happiness again. However, that didn't seem to be working.
The family was so stressed out and hurt by the situation with Bella, it was decided that they didn't need anymore and Rosalie and Emmett ended up pushing their wedding back to July. They wanted Bella to be healed and happy for that day. It was supposed to be a happy day, not one to dwell on bad memories. Everyone just hoped something was solved before July.
However, the only three people who had any control over the solution, knew that it would cause ten times as much pain and suffering as the problem itself.
Things didn't seem to be going anywhere until about three months after Bella and Jasper revealed their feelings to each other.
THREE MONTHS AFTER JASPER'S AND BELLA'S DECISION TO IGNORE THEIR FEELINGS.....
ALICE
We were all sitting in the living room, trying, unsuccessfully, to ignore our own little worries over Bella. A week ago, she locked herself in her room, refusing to eat or talk to anybody but Jasper. Four days after that, she stopped talking to Jasper as well. Jasper, Esme and I, of course, all knew what happened. Jasper didn't that Esme and I knew, of course. However, none of us had the heart to do what needed to be done to fix it.
I was sitting in the armchair, curled into Jasper's lap, reading the last book of A Series of Unfortunate Events. However, my mind kept flickering to Bella and I couldn't read more than a paragraph without getting distracted.
Jasper rested his head on my shoulder and appeared to be reading as well. I knew him well enough, though, to know that his thoughts were upstairs on Bella as well. And what my knowledge of his personality didn't tell me, the fact that his face was stone set and his body was tensed so much, I half expected him to go up there and ripped the door down, was enough to tell me exactly how worried he was.
Carlisle was sitting on the couchy, aimlessly flipping through channels. I knew he really wasn't interested in what was one, because he was flipping through to quickly to catch anything, even with our enhanced senses. Besides, he rarely took any interest in anything that was on T.V. It was simply an action to distract himself. For some odd reason, he blamed himself for Bella's regression and felt like a failure because of it. I wished there was some way I could convince him otherwise, however, that would mean admitting to things that I wasn't ready to yet.
Emmett and Rosalie were on the floor, playing a game of chess. Or at least trying to. Neither of them could concentrate long enough to get anywhere. They had to start over three times because they forgot whose turn it was. And Emmett had been sitting there staring at the board for ten minutes when Esme came down the stairs with a tray in her hand.
She looked like she was gonna cry, if she was able to. She looked over to Carlisle and bit her lip shaking her head. She had just spent the last half hour trying to get Bella to eat something. Judging by the look on Esme's face and the fact that the food didn't look disturbed in the least, Bella hadn't given in. Carlisle sighed as Esme carried the tray to the kitchen.
We all stared after her in varying degrees of shock, worry, and anger. Emmett's anger was most prominent. In fact, not even a second after Esme entered the kitchen, Emmett upended the chess board and sent the pieces flying everywhere.
"I don't understand!" he yelled. "Three months ago, she was getting better. She was talking, eating, shopping, and spending time with all of us! She was slowly turning beack into the Bella we all know and love. Now for some reason, she's turning back into the dead Bella who didn't do anything. What happened Carlisle?"
"I don't know, Emmett." Carlisle answered helplessly. "I just don't know. Three months ago, she was telling me everything that could've had anything to do with her behavior and all the guilt she was holding inside. She told me things that went far beyond the realm of Edward and Jacob. Things from her child that she'd never told anybody else. And I could tell that she was doing so much better. But for some reason, she just started to talk less and less throughout our sessions, until she refused to talk to me at all. I have no idea what happened or how to help her."
I did. I knew exactly what caused the change in Bella's progress. I also knew exactly what had to be done to help her get over it. However, I couldn't bring myself to say the words and do the deed. I wasn't ready to let go of the love I had. I felt so guilty knowing that it was in my hands to make Bella happy and I couldn't find it in my heart to do it. I hated myself for it.
"I keep seeing images of that sad and scared guilt ridden little girl who came to me for help three months ago." Carlisle continued. "The one who was half dead and hurting herself. She asked for my help and I failed her. I don't know how to help her anymore and it's killing me. I worry that she's going to relapse if I don't figure out what's happened soon."
"No." Emmett growled. "Don't say that! I refuse to believe that she's going to do that to herself again!"
"Emmett, in order to be prepared for what's going to happen next, we have to consider all the possibilities. Whether we want to or not." Carlisle tried to reason.
"NO!" Emmett yelled. "Bella promised that she wasn't going to do that anymore. And my baby sister keeps her promises! Especially ones this important."
"It's not that easy, Emmett." Carlisle replied trying to control his frustration. "She can tell you over and over that she'll never do it again. She can say it until even she believes it, but the truth is, it's always going to be a possibility." At this point, Esme, who had heard the whole conversation, came in and sat next to Carlisle, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. I had long since discarded my book. "Cutters use their cutting like a crutch. And when they run across a problem that they don't think anyone else could possibly help them through, they use it to bumb themselves from their problems for awhile. It doesn't fix anything but for a few glorious minutes, it makes it go away for awhile. If Bella doesn't think that any of us can help her solve whatever problems she has, she's going to go back to the only garuntee of relief."
"Then you have to help her solve whatever problem this is before it goes that far!" Emmett replied. "You have to fix her Carlisle."
"Emmett, it's not that easy! I can't....."
"THEN MAKE IT THAT EASY!" Emmett roared over him. "That's my little sister up there and I can't stand to see her like this anymore! She broken, Carlisle, and she needs to be fixed. I don't want her to hurt herself anymore. She can to you for help, so why can't you help her?!"
I was utterly shocked. I had never seen Emmett this upset or passionate about anything. He was also the one who made everything out to be a joke. And yet, I was starting to think that Bella's current state upset him more than the rest of us. I could see his want for her to be happy and better. It was killing him to see her like this.
I studied the rest of the family and saw the same feelings mixed on their faces. They all wanted to find a way to Bella better. They were all crazy worried about her and felt helpless because they couldn't do anything. I, however, could and I knew it. I had everything I needed to do it. And I had suddenly realized, that Bella and Jasper together wasn't just aobout them. It was about the family too.
Regardless of anything else, Bella was the glue that held this family together since the day Edward brought her home. As crazy as it sounded, her happiness was connected to ours. Letting go of Jasper wasn't just about making Bella happy, it was about helping the rest of the family. Sure it would hurt me, but I'd eventually get over it. I didn't think that I could ever get over the family falling apart. Especially, if it was up to me to hold it together.
"Emmett, I understand that your upset about this." Carlisle answered. "And I know you want her to get better. We all do, but I can't fix her if I don't know what's broken. I wish I could, but I can't."
"But I can." I whispered, making up my mind.
I had to do this for Bella, Jasper, and the family. As unprepared as I was and as hard as it would be. It needed to be done to make everything better. I didn't want the family to fall apart. And I certainly didn't want Bella to go back to hurting herself. It was hard enough to deal with the first time.
"What do you mean?" Carlisle asked confused.
"I know what's going on with her and I know exactly what has to be done to make it better." I said staring at the floor unable to meet anyone's eyes.
"Alice, you don't have to do it, now." Esme whispered. "We can find another way. There's gotta be something else we can do to help her."
"Esme, you know as well as I do that there's nothing else in this world that's going to help her." I replied. "Besides, I did what you said, and let the pieces fall. And I can't stand seeing things fall apart like this. Which is why it needs to be done. And it'll help everyone, not just Bella."
"But honey, what about you?" she asked sadly.
"It's not about me, Esme." I replied. "I'll live, but Bella might not be able too. I can't take the chance."
"Okay, honey." she whispered with a crack in her vouce. "Then you do what you feel you have to."
"Thank you." I said then turned to face Jasper. "Jasper, will you walk with me? There's something that I have to discuss with you."
BELLA
I was laying on my bed, crying my eyes out. Esme had just spent the last half hour trying to get me to eat the dinner that she had made me. However, I wasn't hungry. In fact, I hadn't been hungry in several weeks. The guilt and pain over my feelings for Jasper had settled too deeply in my stomach.
I hated that I wanted my best friend's husband. At the same time, though, I hated that I couldn't just take him for her. These confusing feelings were driving me insane. I didn't what I should and shouldn't feel anymore. I hated everything about the whole situation. It wasn't right or fair to any of us.
Jasper had suggested on several occassion that we should just come clean. I, however, made him promise not to say anything. I'd rather die than hurt my best friend like that, regardless of how much I was hurting. I didn't even want to imgine her face if I ever took Jasper from her. IT would hurt ten times worse than not having Jasper at all.
I found myself longing for the sweet oblivion that was cutting myself and watching the blood flow. Jasper was the only thing stopping me from doing that. I didn't want to break my promise to him. Not after everything that I had done for him.
Less than five minutes after Esme gave up, I heard yelling coming from downstairs. It was Carlisle and Emmett and they were arguing about me. Fantastic!
Emmett didn't understand what caused the change in me. While Carlisle worried about me relapses into my old habits. Could I not do anything right by this family?
First I took away one of their own. Now, if I do what makes me happy, I'll hurt Alice. However, I allow Alice to be happy, I'm hurting the family because of my unhappiness. It was frustrating beyond anything I had felt in my life.
I found myself thinking that things would be better if I took myself away from them permanantly. It was with that thought that I got out of bed, as if in a trance, and went into the bathroom to find the only blade that I was able to sneak in and hide without the Cullens noticing.
JASPER
I knew from Alice's speech to Esme that she knew more than I thought. I felt stupid for not thinking that she would possibly have seen this. Her actions and words over the last few months suddenly started to make more sense. She had known but was trying to hang on until the very end.
I didn't say anything as I rose from the chair to follow her out the backdoor. This was going to be a very difficult and painful conversation for the both of us. I could feel it in my heart. She was about to sacrifice her happiness for the sake of Bella and I. I could only imagine how hard that was going to be on her. I would, of course, be caring and understanding and try to comfort her the best I could. I did still love her, after all/ I'd have to make sure she knew that too.
We walked toward the backdoor leaving the confused stares of our family behind us. As I reached out to push the backdoor open, however, a scent hit my nose.
It was scent that sent such a terrible burning and nearly irrestible thirst down my throat, it could only be one thing; human blood. I recognized it instantly as Bella's.
Before any of the family could register it, I was up the stairs and outside her bedroom door. I said a silent pray, hoping that the blood was just because she had one of her clumsy moments. However, I was sure I couldn't be that lucky.
I forced the door open, so violently that it slammed back into the wall, smashing a whole in it. I took a wuick look around the room and relaized she wasn't in it. I, then followed the scent of the blood to the bathroom. I panicked at the point and literally kicked the door down. It fell from the frame onto the tile floor with an echoing thud.
There she was, my sweet beautiful angel, lying in the tub, staring intently at a long gash on her forearms and watching the crimson rivers flow into the water.
A/N: I hope this chapter came out okay. It was a hard one to do because it was a transition and I'm not good at transition. And no, Bella wasn't really in a trance, it was just supposed to be my way of showing that she was a slave to her own problem. I hope that didn't confuse anyone. Anyway, let me know what you think. Please review.
