A/N: So I'd like to thank olivia-earnhardt for inspire this chapter. She suggested that I do a chapter from Edward's P.O.V. However, I couldn't really think of anything that would work for the story. But I was thinking about it earlier today and decided that Bella deserves some better closure as well as to know what Edward thinks of everything that's been happening to her. Which is why I decided to do this chapter. I hope you like it. Warning: It's another box of tissues chappie, though. Enjoy!
BELLA
I couldn't remember much of what happened after Jasper pulled Jacob off of me. I just rememeber fluttering between the pain and intensity of what was happening in the meadow and the peaceful and painless blackness that threatened to take over my whole being.
The blackness was definitely preferable to the pain and I wanted nothing more than to let it take over totally. No more pain or feelings. No more anything, it was almost as good as dragging the blade across my skin.
There was two things stopping me from letting it completely engulf me, though. Charlie and Edward. Both of their voices were in my head telling me not to give up. The told me that I had to keep up the fight. I had to stay alive for the Cullens, for my family. The people who gave up so much to protect me from every sadistic vampire and crazy werewolf out there. It wouldn't be right if I gave up after everything they went through to keep me safe and alive. It definitely wouldn't have been much of a thanks to them. I had to keep going for them, because they loved me and didn't want me to die.
I didn't want to die, either. I had to much left to live for. Too many things to do and too many people to love. I couldn't just leave it all behind. I couldn't give Jacob that satisfaction. It was what he wanted from me, after all. No matter what happened to him, if I let go of everything that I was holding on to, he would win. I couldn't let that happen. He didn't have any power over me and I wasn't about to let him get any either.
I held the blackness at bay for god only knew how long. It was getting harder and harder by the second, though. I focused on the voices of Charlie and Edward, yelling at me to hold on and concentrated on everything that I had to lose that I couldn't lose. I couldn't let myself lose any of it. It was way too important to me.
My plan to focus on those thoughts wasn't working, though. The blackness was gaining by centimeters. I wasn't sure how long my fight lasted before the blackness was lost in the fire.
My whole body felt much hotter than it was supposed to. I felt like someone had thrown a lit match into my body and soul. Every nerve, blood cell, and organ was fire. Every limb and bone. It felt like a wild fire all over my body. I couldn't think or move.
I wanted nothing more than to reach up and claw at my body ripping the fire straight from it, however, I couldn't make my arms move. I wanted to scream for someone to just kill me and end it all, but when I opened my mouth, no sound would come out.
I knew neither option would do me any good, though. I was well aware of what was happening to me, as well as the fact that there was nothing I could do to stop it. I just had to deal with it, until it was over. Besides, I knew that Jasper was a lot like Edward when it came to seeing me in pain. He hated and would probably hate himself for being the one to inflict this kind of pain on me. I didn't want to give him anymore reason to feel bad, so I dealt with my inability to respond to the pain.
After awhile, I began to feel a little calm and peace spread through my body. The fire, of course, never let up. However, with the calming emotions that were no doubt being pushed through me, made it easier to concentrate on other things. It made me focus a little less on the pain that I was going through.
My thoughts settled on Charlie and Edward. I began thinking about the good times that we shared over the time that I lived in Forks. I found myself reliving every moment I had spent with Edward. I thought of every emotion I ever had for him. It was a crazy tangle of some of the strongest things that I had ever felt in my entire life. Still though, I discovered that they were nothing compared to the feelings I now held for Jasper.
That thought brought me up short. I hadn't meant to compare the two, but now that I had, I was reconsider things with Jasper. Now that I actually had the chance to sit and think about it, I realized that we would never really now how Edward felt about he and I together. We had assumed that he would be happy simply because I was happy. However, we had no way to know for sure.
That was going to be extremely difficult for me to deal with for an eternity. I mean, while I felt loved Jasper more than anyone else in my enitre life, some part of me would always feel like I was betraying Edward. The man that I had loved so much for so long. I had just thrown him aside mere months after his death and jumped into forever with his own brother. I didn't think that I could spend enternity knowing that and continue my relationship with Jasper. It was like an insult to Edward's memory or something. I had been a month away from being Edward's wife before he died, now I felt like I had tarnished his memory.
What I wouldn't give for one last conversation with him. A chance to find out how he felt about what was going to happen in my future. Something to tell me that he didn't hate Jasper and I for what we were doing with each other.
The fire continued to ravage my body but the scene around me suddenly started to change. I no longer felt the comfort of mine and Jasper's bed underneath me. Nor did I feel Jasper's cold hands caressing the different parts of my body, doing his best to soothe the fire.
Instead, I was standing in a dark room that was ablaze with a strange golden fire. It was strong and fierce but as I stared at it for several long moments, I realized that it wasn't spreading. It was just kind of background for where ever I was.
I was however, intrigued by it's beauty. I had never seen anything like it in my entire life and wondered if it would burn me if I touched it. If it hadn't been for the fact that my body wasn't already on fire, I wouldn't have acted on my impulse, but what was a little more pain going to be to someone already on a pyre? So I stopped forward and reached out my left hand.
Someone's cold hand wrapped around my wrist. The sudden temperture change as well as the abrupt discovery that I wasn't alone caused me to jump several feet in the air and slightly forward. I would've landed in the strange golden flames if is whoever grabbed my wrist hadn't removed there hand and wrapped their arms around my waist to pull me away from them. Said persons actions were followed by a low and soft but familiar chuckle.
I knew who I thought it was, but somehow, I felt that it was way too much to hope for in that moment. Besides, it would be utterly impossible, right?
"Even trapped in your own subconscious, you're still a danger magnet." the beautiful velvet voice that I hadn't heard in months sounded from behind me.
I quickly turned, praying that it was who I thought it was. Edward, my greek god, stood there. He was wearing the same khakis and pull over that he had been in the day he died. He had a sad smile on his face. It looked as though the human in his comment didn't quite reach his eyes.
"Edward?" I gasp unable to believe it. My first thought was that I had been dreaming but everything seemed so real and I could still feel the dull burning from wherever my body actually was. If I was dreaming, I would most definitely not be in any kind of pain.
"Hello, love." he whispered.
"What are you...How are you...Where are we...What happening?" I stuttered through the tears prickling my vision and the lump in my throat. I was so confused and happy and sad that I couldn't even make up a human thought.
"I'm not exactly sure where we are. I think it has something to do with your subconcious, though. Because this is obviously what your brain should feel like right now. I'm here because I heard that you wanted to speak with me and figured I owed you at least that much, after everything." he answered two of my questioned and fell silent.
"But how are you here? I mean, you're dead." I stated.
"Well, let's put it this way, you were right about one thing. Turns out, I did have a soul." he stated.
"You're an angel, aren't you?" I said as it clicked. I felt a smile spread across my face at the idea of him ending up in heaven.
"More or less." he replied with a shrug.
"See, I told you God would be crazy to keep you out." I replied with a small giggle.
"Well, I think it had a great deal to do with you and that last year or so of my existence." he replied.
"I doubt that." I said blushing a little.
"I don't. Bella, you honestly have no idea how much loving you changed me." he replied. "However, that's beside the point. We are here because you needed to talk to me and I was allowed to visit simply to do give you what you needed. So what do you want to talk to me about?" He had that beautiful crooked smile that I loved so much on his face.
I wasn't sure what to say to him, though. I mean, I had wanted to talk to him about this. I wanted to be positive that he wouldn't hate Jasper and I for it. However, now that I was face to face with the chance, I couldn't bring myself to do it. What if he did hate us for it? I didn't think that I could live with myself after that. I knew, though, that we probably didn't have much time and needed to say something.
"There's something that's been going on over the last few months." I said. "Something that I've been doing that you might not approve of. I don't want to continue if you don't approve of it."
"You wouldn't happen to be talking about you and Jasper, would you?" he asked and I could her the slight amount of pain in his voice.
I bit my lip and blushed, looking to the ground.
"You know about it?" I asked.
"Bella, I know about everything that you've done since the day I died." he explained and I could still hear the sad edge to his voice. "Including the cutting." he added in a disapproving tone. I blushed again, embarrassed. "I've seen it all."
"And how do you feel about what you've seen?" I asked.
"It depends on which parts you're referring to." he answered in the same tone. "That parts about the five months that you spent hurting herself made me very angry and it hurt me a lot. You have no idea how hard that was for me to watch and not be able to do anything about it. And then the night you nearly killed yourself. You have no idea how crazy that made me. It was worse because I knew that if you didn't make it, there was no possible way you'd end up where you belonged. I couldn't bear the thought of you not ending up where I am. It wouldn't be fair to keep you out for a stupid decision like that."
"I'm sorry." I muttered unable to say anything else.
"I understand, love, I do." he answered. "But what you should've understood then was that none of this was ever your fault. It was all that worthless mutt's."
"I know that now." I replied. "Thanks to Jasper."
"I know. And I couldn't be more grateful for the things that he's done for you." he told me. "He succeeded in saving, protecting, and loving you in a way that I never could. I will always be grateful for what he's done for you."
"But what about the other part?" I asked in a small voice.
"Bella, love," he reached out to stroke my cheek. "I don't care about the other part. All I've ever cared about was your happiness. I would've done anything to ensure it. You know that. I would've given you up to Jacob, if you would've told me he was making you happier than I was. I held on, though, because, I knew that he never would. That's why I fought for you, that day in the woods. I wasn't going to give him the chance to make you anymore unhappy. Had I known what my death was going to do to you, I would've done things differently. But since I didn't, things fell in a different pattern. That pattern was a little more painful for you than I would've liked, but it lead you to Jasper. And if he's what makes you happy now, then I not going to complain. Besides, I'd rather see you with one of my brothers the someone like Jacob Black or Mike Newton."
I nodded and swallowed hard to push back the lump in my throat.
"I guess I always knew that was true." I whispered. "I just worried that I was insulting your memory or something."
He smiled kindly and ran his fingers through my hair.
"Silly Bella." he said. "I'm gone. My existence is done, over. There's nothing left and I'm not coming back. I wish I could but I can't."
"I know." I replied.
"But your existence is just beginning and you have forever. You can go to school as much as you want. Do all the things that you've always been to afraid to do. And your free to love whoever you want. You can't dwell on the memory of me and worry about whether or not what you do is going to upset. The only way you could hurt my memory or insult me in anyway, is if you hold back any thoughts, feelings, or actions that you want to let out on account of how it'll make me feel. That's not how the rest of your life is supposed to be lived. You have to keep going without me and just know that whatever makes you happy will make me happy. And always remember that nothing you say or do we'll make me love you any less. Okay?"
I nodded. I knew what saying was the truth.
"Like I said I always new that was true." I answered. "I guess I just needed to hear the you say the words. I had to be sure that's how you felt. Thank you for saying it."
"No Bella, thank you." he replied.
"For what?" I asked looking down and blushing again.
He grabbed my face between his hands and made me look at him.
"For bringing love, life, and hope into my existence. For loving me despite what I was. And for not being afraid to be a part of my world, even through all of the craziness."
He then pulled me close to his body and wrapped his arms around me. I wrapped my arms around him too. Happier than I felt in awhile. I finally got the closure that I needed to completely move on with Jasper and that was the best feeling that I've ever had.
"I love you Isabella Marie Swan and always will." he whispered and kissed my hair.
"I love you, too." I whispered back.
I pulled back after a minute and looked into his eyes. There was one more thing I had to know before I could officially be okay with the rest of my life.
"How's Charlie?" I asked.
"He's fine." Edward replied. "Actually, he's better than fine. Now that he actually understands why I couldn't marry you."
For some reason his answer brought on another blush and I looked down trying to cover it up. He, however, had a different plan, he placed his hand under my chin and lifted my face until we were eye to eye.
"You have no idea how much I miss that." he whispere before pulling my face close to his and bringing his lips down onto mine.
I, of course, kissed him back. It was like no other kiss we'd ever shared before, it was a goodbye. Sad and slow full of the pain of the past but the hope of the future. It was a nice kiss and something that I missed doing and feeling. However, it was nothing like kiss Jasper, which was better. At the moment, though, I didn't care too much. I was back with Edward, for however short the period.
He pulled away after only mere seconds, like usual. Only this time, I didn't feel any need to protest to it. It felt right that it should be the end of it all. He rested his forehead on mine.
"It's time for you to go." he whispered. "You've been so still that Jasper's about to have a vampiric heart attack." I chuckled at his little joke. "Goodbye, love. Be happy and don't worry about me. I'll always be watching."
"Goodbye Edward." I whispered.
Edward faded out as did the beautiful gold flames and the black room. I, once again, found myself lying on mine and Jasper's soft bed with the pillow behind my head. The only difference from the last time was the fact that I was no longer burning. I was lying perfectly still talking unnecessary breaths with my eyes closed.
I felt a hand running over my forehead pushing the hair out of my face and voice soon joined the hand,
"Bella, honey, are you alright?" the voice asked concerned. "Can you hear me?"
It sounded so worried that I didn't want to make whoever owned it wait too long to see that I was fine. My eyes slowly fluttered opened and were met with the beautiful liquid topaz ones of the other man I loved.
A/N: What do you guys think? I hope it turned out okay. I know a lot of you are going to say that it seemed a little impersonal. I did that because they were both trying to acknowledge that fact that they didn't love each other the way the used to and Edward was trying to respect Bella's space. So I hoped that it worked out alright. Anywho, please review. I love them. Also, I don't say it enough, but thank you so much to my loyal fans. You guys have no idea how much your support means too me.
