Liara turned out to be 'barely more than a child', even if she stood her ground against the mercs Saren sent to kill her. However, as Jo was carefully lining up a shot at one of them, the guy suddenly jerked up in the air, pulled by Liara's anomaly. Jo's shot went uselessly into the wall behind him.
"Fuckit," she swore under her breath. The ruin was coming down around them, the mercs were shooting and now the girl's biotics were getting in the way of Jo's fight. She remembered once again why she disliked biotics so much and why Alenko wasn't here with them today. Ash and Garrus were. Jo had never landed in a situation where biotics were more useful than the arsenal she was carrying, and she doubted she ever would. It was her firm conviction that biotics were a fancy toy to have when you were already a good warrior with powerful weapons, like Wrex, but they could never replace true firepower.
Back on the Normandy Liara showed herself to be an agitated, passionate, archaeologist child. After the debriefing, while Joker was plotting the course for the next mission, a rogue VI that Hackett asked her to take care of, Jo had more time to think about all the changes in her life. She relished this new feeling of freedom from the military, from orders. She was now exactly where she always wanted to be: not at the very top of power – she never desired political power at all – but high enough to do things her own way without having to obey someone else blindly. She had her ship, she had a team, and she had an important mission. And that… left her desiring things she never knew she wanted.
Alenko's longing glances came to mind. Whenever he saw her these days, he would smile at her like they shared a secret. Other times there was pain in his eyes, like being around her and not being allowed to love her was torture for him. Jo wondered if this was what she had been missing before. Love. She'd had a few crushes in her life, also some well-calculated one-night-stands, but mostly she had been too busy driving men away.
She had been messed up much too early. In the orphanage, after her parents died, she had seen something no child was ever supposed to see. She was only six or seven back then. That was when she decided on some subconscious level that in order to prevent the same thing from happening to her she would have to become stronger than any man. She wore baggy clothes and her hair short and messy to reduce her attractiveness and called herself Jo so that many people mistook her for a boy. When that disguise stopped working, she cut all ties with her previous life and embraced the security of frat regs in the military. She kept the 'Jo', though. It was ambiguous enough to confuse people even now. In all this time of acting like a boy and hiding her femininity she'd hardly spent any time thinking of love. Real love.
Now that her career advancement reached the peak of her desires, maybe something new was on the horizon. Maybe she could grow to like someone? Maybe there was a man out there who would love her for everything she was, not just her unusual hair and her smoking hot ass? Could it be Alenko?
Never a girl to postpone, Jo went to talk to him at his station. He told her he liked "adventurous women", whatever that meant. Apparently, Liara wasn't one. Did Jo qualify? That conversation left her a little confused. The first time they really talked, the day she became a Spectre, she was riding a wave of high emotions and somehow logically concluded that it was Alenko's flirting and barely hidden love confession that got her heart beating so wildly in her chest. After all the thoughts about love a few minutes ago she had fully expected this heartthrob to return, she'd expected to feel some deeper connection to the man. Hell, at the very least she'd expected to like him. None of that happened. She didn't understand why.
These thoughts confused her. Jo decided instead to concentrate on some smaller missions for Hackett and a few other people who needed her help. On one of these missions Jo took them to Edolus to look for Rear Admiral Kahoku's men. Wrex and Garrus were riding with her in the mako. Those two had bickered long and hard about Garrus' slow and careful driving style on other missions, which Wrex despised, and Wrex' daredevilish driving that Garrus hated. Today Jo was driving herself and soon Garrus became very silent in the back seat, holding on to anything in reach for dear life, while Wrex was having a great time. Jo had never seen the krogan so relaxed and happy before. The broken wheels of the mako were more than worth the sight.
Wrex' enthusiasm almost distracted Jo from the nagging feeling in her gut. But as the missing team's beacon got closer, the feeling intensified to an almost panic attack and Jo pressed her foot on the brakes, bringing them to a screeching halt just a few meters away from the beacon.
"What the fuck, Shepard?" Wrex grunted, but the pale, worried look of her shut him up immediately.
"What's going on, Shepard?" Garrus asked from behind and Jo pressed her fingers harder around the steering wheel.
"Thresher Maw," she said hoarsely.
"What? Where? How do you…"
The ground suddenly exploded and the gigantic worm shot up from beneath, spitting acid at them. Jo twisted the wheel hard to the side and put the mako in full motion, bumping on random rocks around the clear area of the Thresher Maw's nest.
"Shoot that fucker!" She yelled at her team and when they got that she was driving in a circle, Garrus grabbed the turret gun.
Half an hour later Joker asked carefully in Jo's earpiece:
"Commander, are you all right?"
She was sweating ice and her hands trembled as she got out of the vehicle, followed by her guys.
"Yeah, yes, I'm fine," she croaked. Slowly and carefully she approached the dead animal on the ground. They had killed it, but it had been hell.
"You don't sound so great," Joker sounded concerned.
"Are you seeing what I'm looking at?" Jo was close enough to the dead Maw now to touch.
"Ugh, yeah," Joker audibly shuddered.
"First time I met one of these beauties, we were fifty one men, we were on foot, we had rifles and pistols and we didn't stand a chance. I lost fifty men that day, Joker. One of them shot me while the Maw was eating him alive. I dragged myself through sand, stone, dust, despite blood loss and shock for miles to the LZ. Since then I have a connection to these things. Can feel it in my ass when one is near. I'll never be unprepared again."
"I'm really sorry, Commander."
"Don't be sorry for me, Joker. As long as that tab is still open, be sorry for the Thresher Maws I'm killing. One of them for each one of my dead men."
Jo felt the power of the two men engulf her from behind, giving her the sense of safety she never thought she could feel, especially when she was touching a dead Thresher Maw. Wrex put his hand on her shoulder.
"How many have you already killed?" Garrus asked, continuing the conversation she'd just had with Joker.
"This is the third."
"You have a long way to go," Wrex said solemnly. "If you need some help, I'm always up for a Thresher Maw hunt."
"Yeah," Garrus agreed. They knew this was her way of dealing with one of the most traumatic experiences in the military.
"Thank you," she nodded, taking a deep breath. "I guess we can safely guess what happened to Kahoku's men."
When they docked at the Citadel again, Jo gave everyone shore leave and took Garrus and Ash with her for some business. Right at the airlock she bumped into an officer she'd never met. His insignia marked him as a Rear Admiral. Ash jumped at attention and saluted:
"Ten-hut!"
Jo gave her a glare. Admiral or not, he was not in their immediate chain of command. Ashley's blind obedience to anyone outranking her was kind of annoying.
"Rear Admiral Mikhailovich, Fifth Fleet," he said and demanded to inspect this 'overpriced piece of tin' that Council had gotten their 'tentacles' on before he could.
"You should be grateful for such an opportunity, Admiral," she said back firmly. She wouldn't stand for anyone insulting her ship or her crew.
"You still know what colour your blood is, Shepard?" he glared at her and something cold shifted in Jo's guts. An old disgust. This officer obviously knew who she was, knew her record, knew how important her appointment as the first human Spectre was for the humanity, and still he had the nerve to suggest she was not human anymore, just because she worked with other races? Was this how humanity and the Alliance saw her now? An alien lover? That was rich. Sadly, it was not in any way surprising. A few years ago during her N training she got to read the real reports on the Shanxi incident, not the beautified official version. She'd been furious with the Alliance for the way they had dealt with the first contact humanity had ever had with an alien species. Didn't anyone else realise what a miracle it had been, what a historic moment: the first contact ever with an alien species? The answer to the age-old question of humanity? It was unbelievable that the Alliance hadn't changed a bit ever since. Jo firmly believed that the conflict should have been avoided at all cost, just as much as countless conflicts caused by human aggression and intolerance since then should have been avoided. Did it make her an alien lover? Maybe, but so what? She firmly believed that humanity and especially the Alliance could be better than this fine example of human behaviour Garrus had to witness: narrow-minded, short-sighted, prejudiced and war-oriented. The Admiral once more made her ashamed of the whole Alliance brass and of being a part of it. Jo had absolutely no intention of letting him onto her ship.
At that point the airlock opened and some more crew members exited the ship on their way to shore leave. Wrex and Liara were among them. The Admiral almost choked:
"Aliens?" he pointed from Garrus to the others. "You have aliens on your ship? What are you thinking? You can't allow aliens free access to Alliance equipment!"
"I'm a Spectre and it's my duty and pleasure to work with all the species. Simple-minded officers see the Normandy as a wasted chance to build more warheads to kill each other. I see an opportunity to work out our differences and end the wars between ourselves. We are one galactic community and the only way for us to exist is peaceful cooperation. Someone who served long and hard enough to become an Admiral and still doesn't know that is not worthy of our attention. So please, clear the gangway."
"Have it your way, Shepard, but expect me to file a report on this," the Admiral said grudgingly.
"I'll expect you to quote my words exactly," she said after him. When he left, Jo noticed that Ash looked really pissed and she wasn't hiding it.
"Ash, a word, please?" Jo asked the other woman after sending the others down in the elevator. She invited Ash to go to the little balcony where a Keeper worked. They had the best view of the Normandy from there.
"Talk to me, Ash," Jo said quietly.
"With all due respect, Commander, the way you spoke to the Admiral was not acceptable. He is both your and my superior officer and deserves our respect! And why didn't you let him inspect the Normandy? She is his ship, technically. And don't tell me you don't know he's right about the aliens on board. You allow them free access to everything on the ship. Weapons, systems, engines, everything! You know it's dangerous! They are dangerous. And when this is all over, they will disappear, while you and I will have to go back to the Alliance. This will remain on our record and we'll have to deal with the consequences. I stand by you right now, but I'm in enough trouble with the Alliance brass as it is, so…" Ash stopped gesturing and her anger finally deflated. "I'm sorry, Commander. Don't worry about me. You're my CO. If you say to kiss a turian, I say which cheek."
"Ash, I asked you to share, and it's important to me that you know I always listen to what my people have to say."
"So you agree, then?"
"I didn't say that. Look at her," she gestured at the shiny round sides of the Normandy. "What do you see?"
"A state of the art warship."
"Yes. What I see is a neutral ground. I see a chance to advance humanity in the galactic community in ways that have nothing to do with war. You know as well as I do that shooting people isn't always the answer."
"Yes, but…"
"I know you believe that humanity is alone, on its own. But Ash, look around us. There are so many other species out there. We're not alone. Never were. We're a part of a community. Isn't that a miracle? For thousands of years our ancestors on Earth looked at the stars and asked the same question over and over: is there life out there? You and I are the first generation that grew up in a new world. We know the answer to humanity's biggest question. We are not alone. But look around. These aliens aren't so different from us. They eat, sleep, love, hate, have dreams and goals, and they protect themselves. Right now humanity is more dangerous to them than they are to us. What do you see in our future, Ash? Would you like us to declare war against everything non-human and take dominance in the galaxy by force?"
Ash remained silent, defiantly shaking her head at everything Jo was saying.
"Tell me, what do you see in our future?" Jo insisted.
"I… I don't… I jut don't know."
"Well, at least I'm grateful that you don't actually see us killing all the others to gain dominance." Dominance. The word was Jo's personal pet peeve. She'd heard many pro-human organisations and individuals back on Earth speak out for human dominance in the galaxy. The idea scared her more than a colony of Thresher Maws. Sadly, this idea sometimes took roots in the minds of people who had the power to see it through, like that Admiral Mikhailovich, for example. Being an N7, Jo sometimes came across mission reports that gave her cold shivers. Hate crimes. Discrimination. Things committed by civilians as well as military, covered up, swept under the rug. So many inside the Alliance were just like Ashley, prejudiced and narrow-minded. Jo had been a loyal soldier once upon a time herself, like Ash was now. But the N program changed that years ago. Most of the time now Jo was a little disillusioned with the Alliance as a whole. Sometimes she was downright outraged. On days like today Alliance scared her.
"But… How can we trust them?"
"They are not all out to kill us, Ash."
"I know that, but…"
"Do you think we deserve galactic dominance?" she asked with a cold knot in her guts. If Ashley said yes right now, Jo would have no other choice not to send the woman away, off the Normandy, off her team. She couldn't work with someone who believed in human dominance.
"Uhm…" Ash obviously tried to hold on to her beliefs, but her anger was waning and Jo's gentle, quiet voice was getting under her skin. She dropped her shoulders and exhaled: "No. Not really."
Jo exhaled as well, relieved in more ways than she would ever let Ash know.
"You know, I personally think that nobody deserves dominance," she said then. "We are all a part of something bigger than one individual or a single species. We all contribute. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. Each individual and each group have something to give and something to take. Each person on my crew can contribute to creating something bigger than politics, bigger than wars, or religion. Peaceful cooperation."
"You really believe it, don't you, Commander?" Ash had a tear in her eye.
"Yes, I do. Alliance is only one group of many. Whatever happens next, we won't be able to win if we stand alone. We all need each other. I do understand of course, if you can't see it as I do. I'm not forcing anyone. If my way disturbs you too much, I'll give you the best recommendation and let you choose your own next assignment."
"No, Commander," the other woman said firmly, rubbing the moisture in the corner of her eye away. "I think I'll stay right here. Someone needs to watch your back when you're running around the galaxy like a madwoman."
"Thank you."
Joker watched and listened to the entire exchange on his console. The things she said to Ashley made him think, too. He didn't join the military because he had no other choice. Hell, it should have been his last choice if anyone around him had anything to say about it. His parents, his doctors, neighbours, anyone. With his off-the-charts IQ and aptitude test results as a child and teenager he could have been a head programmer in some government facility, knowing secrets no one should ever know, or alternately the most brilliant criminal mastermind in the galaxy. Everyone insisted he should take a government career back then. He had made his own choice and joined the Alliance. Sure, he wanted to stick it to everyone who ever told him what he couldn't do. But listening to Commander Shepard talk to Ashley made him hope deep inside that it had been more than that. Maybe some kind of faith. Perhaps even fate. He had worked very hard to be here right now. Sure, even he thought that his Commander was a crazy and eccentric person sometimes (when he wasn't fantasising about her sexy round knees and supple thighs…), but she had a vision and he respected that more than her accuracy with the sniper rifle. He liked that about her. All his sarcasm, all defences and venomous remarks aside, he was proud to contribute to Commander Shepard's vision. She was talking about things outside the military, and Joker was not a hardcore loyalist like Ashley to try and hold her back. He of all people could see the military's limitations clearly. He'd made his choice there and then. Her vision was worthy and he would follow her wherever she took them. Out of Alliance, out of humanity, out of the galaxy? He was committed.
The atmosphere on the ship was slowly improving. Wrex was now often seen swapping stories with Garrus, Ashley and other humans, bragging about his skill in good humour, telling them many gruesome details about his work as a merc. The techies were all in love with Tali. Joker wasn't sure if anyone even noticed that Liara was actually an alien. They were all coming to the mess hall more often now, and the awkward silence at the table was gone. Shepard was spreading the spirit of interspecies cooperation, and even Joker couldn't fully escape it. Once at dinner Wrex suggested that he was a weakness on the ship. In that moment Joker stole a quick glance at Shepard, who sat next to the krogan. She didn't jump to his defence. Instead she had that sparkle in her eyes that told him: she knew he didn't need her or anyone else's protection. Even Joker realised that Wrex was testing him, cajoling him into claiming his spot in the ship's hierarchy. He did his best then to make Wrex and everyone else understand just how far they would all go if he wasn't at the helm. Into the mouth of that volcano that swallowed Liara's dig site, that's how far.
It was a new feeling, knowing that this huge boulder of menace didn't actually mean him any harm, and the satisfied huff at the end of his speech was his confirmation that Wrex accepted him as a valuable team member. Another glance in Shepard's direction made his guts sing. She was smiling with pride. For a moment there he allowed himself the thought that he could understand Alenko's awe. That kind of smile from that kind of a woman meant everything to a man.
As the missions took them all over the galaxy, the crew discovered a particularly entertaining pastime. One evening in the mess Shepard casually commented on the circumference of Adams' head in some silly context about helmets. Ashley asked if Shepard knew that measure from Adams' file, but the Commander simply said:
"I can see him, can't I?"
That sparked interest. She told them that she'd trained herself for a long time to correctly estimate distances, lengths, weights and volumes of things around her and could tell the precise size of something just from looking at it. It was an invaluable ability in a fight. They started asking her how long the table was, how tall the ceilings, how heavy the plates and cups and kept measuring the stuff afterwards with their omnitools. To everyone's fascination, the numbers she gave them were uncannily correct. The smaller the object, the more precise she was. Joker loved watching that game through the security cameras that he had hacked a long time ago. She was a very analytic person and her brain seemed to work almost like a computer, taking the world in as a matrix of numbers. She was also very observant and nothing escaped her attention. No matter how hard the others tried to trip her up, she always gave them exact numbers.
Those long and easy conversations changed everything. All the soldiers on board knew well that fraternisation began long before any romance started, and the ship's captain was forbidden by all rules to engage in any kind of fraternisation. Best way to run a ship was to impose the absolute authority of a goddess divine on her people. The captain had to be a separate unit from everyone, a figure of supreme power. Space was not a gentle place and the captain needed blind obedience. Also, junior officers and staff needed to have some space from the captain now and then to vent their tension and frustration without getting in trouble. But this ship was not like any other. This crew wanted their CO to spend time with them. They wanted to know her better. They wanted her attention. Somehow they even found ways to vent their frustration about hard work, long shifts, bad food and not enough shore leave to her face.
She worked harder than any of them, perhaps that was the reason they respected her so much. She knew all about their work, found time to address their complaints and issues, to get to know them personally, to give them the maximum shore leave she could. Everyone was slowly realising that this was not a military ship any longer. She demanded a lot from them and didn't tolerate stupid mistakes when she knew they were fully capable of more. But she gave them everything they needed to be at their best. It was no wonder that after a few months she became a very new kind of goddess divine to them all.
