The journey to their next destination, Noveria, would take them over two days. Perfect time for secret conversations in dark corners, perfect time for Joker to watch people who didn't know he was watching them. Well, Alenko knew, his relief pilot knew, and so did Shepard, but other crew members didn't seem to realise that their lives were his private soap opera with the benefit of no interruptions for commercials.
„Hey, Kaidan, are you up for another episode of Beauty and the Beast?" Joker teased Alenko in the seat next to him, pointing at his screen. This time he was looking at the cargo bay feed. Kaidan looked over, probably even more interested than him. The Beauty – the miniature blond human girl a.k.a. their Commander – stood in a comfortable posture in front of the Beast, the biggest, nastiest krogan in the galaxy.
"She's chatting with Wrex again?" Kaidan muttered. "They are like best buddies by now. Does she know you're calling them Beauty and the Beast?"
"I'm sure they'd both love it. They do look rather chummy."
"What do you think of all these aliens on board?" Kaidan looked over at him curiously. Joker realised that Alenko hadn't asked him that until now. Actually, nobody had. He was hiding up here from them all and tended to forget that watching them on his screens didn't mean he was an actual part of the social life. Well, he definitely had nothing against Liara. She looked very cute and sexy. Honestly, who wasn't into a little blue? He wasn't sure he liked not knowing what Tali looked under her helmet, but her hips made up for that inconvenience. Everyone seemed to like the girls. Wrex' and Garrus' origins were still a point of notice and interest, as they were both aggressive and potentially dangerous males. Shepard however seemed comfortable with everyone. She spent just as much time with the aliens as with the humans, and the most amazing part of it was that she had no trouble at all communicating with them. She spoke their language way beyond simple translation. She had a whole language with Wrex that nobody else could understand. It mostly consisted of grunts, growls and snarls. Also, Joker had a strong suspicion that Garrus was secretly crushing on Shepard, harder than even Alenko.
"I think we're looking at a miracle worker here," Joker said honestly. "She could change the world, you know. Years from now we'll be remembering this and we won't believe that we've had the luck to be a part of this."
"Yeah," Kaidan said with a little sadness.
"Why, are you jealous that she doesn't spend all her time with you?"
"What?" Alenko's head whipped around to see Joker.
"Come on, I'm the guy with the access to the security cameras and helmet feed. I know how flustered you get when she comes to talk to you at your station, how you look after her longingly, and how firmly your helmet camera is fixed on her…"
"Yeah, yeah, I got it."
For a few moments they stared at the screen. Shepard was laughing about something Wrex said and he seemed pleased. Even Joker felt a little tug of something he didn't want to name in his guts, so it didn't surprise him when he saw a shadow over Kaidan's face. The couple on the screen looked a lot like they were flirting. All of his and Kaidan's instincts screamed: peaceful cooperation or not, they are different species! But it didn't seem to matter squat to either Shepard or to Wrex.
Joker closed the feed and settled back in his seat.
"Don't think you should be watching this, mate," he said to Alenko, and he would never admit that he was telling it just as much to himself.
"Am I that obvious?" Kaidan seemed troubled, his work forgotten. Joker looked over at the other man for a moment. As Joker's assigned co-pilot Alenko was spending a lot of time on the bridge and apparently had grown confident enough to ask Joker such questions. And Joker was not entirely comfortable with that. He did not like to be pestered in general. Well, truth to be told, he was a misanthropic asshole who liked pushing people's buttons and driving them away. Anyone who didn't get his sense of humour did not deserve it, or his attention. The only person on this ship so far to get him, truly get him, was Shepard. Joker would never admit to himself or anyone else how much he appreciated her. But consciously or not, he knew that Alenko was not his friend in this department. There was only one Shepard, and if she was spending time with Alenko, then she was not coming around to check up on Joker. Kaidan was polite and friendly all the time, and that scratched Joker's nerves. One always had to be careful what they were saying around Alenko because of his correctness, his by-the-book demeanour, while Joker was all about breaking rules and sticking it to the man. Or woman, in their specific case. Shepard got his teasing and this connected her to him somehow. Whatever that connection was, it was not something he wanted to share with Kaidan, or for Kaidan to interfere.
"Yeah, man, you are that obvious," he said a little colder. "What do you see in her anyway?"
Kaidan gave him an are-you-kidding-look, then sighed a little.
"She's… she's tough. Amazing. Unbelievably strong. Accomplished. She can do what nobody else can. So young and already an N7. Do you know how tough that program is? The competition is fierce! And she's the first human Spectre. She's just amazing."
Joker looked down at his hands for a while, thinking. He wouldn't have described Shepard in those words. Were someone to ask him, he'd say: she's wickedly funny, plays without rules, she's brutal, a liar and cheater when the situation calls for it, but she never loses her integrity, she is hot, dangerous like a Thresher Maw, hardly a lady in a common sense of human conventions, she has a nuclear voice when she's really pissed, and she rolls over people like a bulldozer, and yet in private she's cute, full of smiles, and fair, always fair.
It felt like he and Kaidan were seeing a different person when they looked at the same Shepard. He was sure that she showed them different sides of her, and that Wrex in the cargo bay looked at a different side of her altogether. And that was another reason why Kaidan was not his friend here. Joker liked his Shepard, and not so much the Kaidan version of her.
"If I'm trying to take down a suspect, it shouldn't matter how I do it, as long as I do it," Garrus was telling Jo down in the cargo bay. "But C-Sec wants it to be done their way, protocol and procedure. That's why I left."
"Yeah, Garrus, except it does matter," she said and earned a new turian facial expression from Garrus that she didn't know. "Sure, I play fast and lose with rules myself, but there is a fine line between bending the rules and becoming worse than the suspects you're trying to apprehend."
"And how can you tell where that line is?"
"Me, personally, I look at the damage. Sometimes you might cause more pain than the guy you're catching. Plus, I always ask myself if I can live for the rest of my life with the kind of damage I'm causing. That answer always depends on the person you are, on how far you can allow yourself to step to the dark side."
"I don't know. I just wanted to get away from all the red tape and try to do things my way. That's why I joined you. Maybe learn how things are done outside C-Sec."
"You're a deeply and thoroughly good person, Garrus, I feel it in my guts. I want you here because you know what the right thing to do is, and that is what truly matters. Now you have the freedom you crave so much, but with freedom come big decisions."
"Morality is a bitch, you mean?"
"Yes. Just because we can break the rules doesn't mean we should. Rules are mostly there to protect us, not the criminals. You'll get that fine feeling one day that works for you. It'll tell you how much rule breaking is okay. And in times when all shades of grey blend together, it's good to have a friend who can put you straight again."
There was a pause, in which he thought about what she was implying to him.
"Shepard, that is a lot of trust you put in a washout from C-Sec you met only a few months ago. I'm flattered, of course, but why me? You have enough of your own people around."
"You are my people. You and I, Garrus, there is no bullshit between us. I know what you're about. And I trust you."
"Thank you, Shepard," he sounded touched.
"Can you do me a favour?"
"Anything."
"Teach me turian facial expressions."
"Huh?"
"Well," Jo shrugged. "Asari – their faces look a lot like humans and we have no problem reading them. Salarians, even krogans – it's not easy, but it works. But with turians we're completely out of our element. You have different body parts on your heads than us, we have no experience with your expressions."
"Then do me a favour back. Explain to me some of those weird human idioms you use so much."
"Like?"
"Feeling in your guts?"
"Okay," Jo nodded, settling more comfortably on the crate. "We humans have five senses, but we often experience a feeling that we can't explain because we have no organ for it. Our intuition. That experience is often combined with a little twitch in our solar plexus, right here. It's a bundle of nerves," she pointed at the spot in question. "I know, it sounds like we do have an organ for it, but it's not that simple. Many humans don't believe in intuition at all, many don't know how to distinguish this feeling from others, many don't trust it. But generally, this little twitch in our bellies is known as the "gut feeling", which indicates some kind of message our intuition is trying to give us. It is human belief that the intuition is never wrong, even if the cold reason sometimes is. That's why we often tell each other to go with our gut, or go with our intuition. Personally, I listen to my gut, and you being on my team just feels right."
"I understand," Garrus's mandibles rose a little bit, as he acknowledged what exactly she wanted from him, as she gave him an explanation. He pointed at his face: "This is a smile, by the way."
Life was good. Jo caught herself smiling more in the last few weeks than in the twenty years before that. She moved around the ship with a light heart now. Ash was easing up on the aliens, Tali and the engineers were an inseparable team now, Liara was eager to share but slightly awkward in her childish ways and her crush on Jo. Most importantly the feelings Jo had for Garrus and Wrex weren't scaring her anymore. They weren't messing up her focus in battle either but rather helping her. They were all a great team, intensified by their different personalities and talents, cemented by deep affection they all had for each other. After a while of cutting through his defences Wrex turned out to be really nice to talk to. He often spoke about krogan history, about the genophage, about his home planet that lay in ruins ever since the krogans almost wiped each other out. He told her about the krogan society that didn't tolerate weaklings but was slowly dying, their spirit decaying faster than their bodies. He told her of the old days, of the former glory of his people, and how disappointed he was with what was becoming of them now. He asked her how humans managed not to wipe each other out before they even joined the galactic community and Jo told him about some defining moments in human history, like the invention of the A-bomb, that could have caused the same destruction, or worse. He wanted to know how humans stopped the rolling stone and Jo admitted she couldn't pinpoint any more specific reason other than not all humans being violent and blood-thirsty. She told him then that perhaps the entire human home planet owed its existence several times over to some man, just one man, who did NOT push the button. There were people in human history, rare and far between, who believed in a better way and refrained from action. Maybe the absence of violence was what created the needed vacuum for peace and growth to appear. Wrex said nothing then and Jo wondered what kind of thoughts were circling in his head ever since.
With still a day to Noveria there was little else to do but talk. After her conversation with Garrus Jo went to see Alenko. She still wondered if that feeling of speeding heartbeat would return in his presence. It was not his fault that it didn't. He was nice enough. He looked at her like she was his guiding star on a stormy horizon. Sometimes even like she was a gentle flower in need of a shield from the stormy weather. Jo didn't know what to do with that, she couldn't see herself as the gentle flower he saw in her, no matter how much she tried. She couldn't help but notice that she wanted something from him he wasn't giving her. Couldn't. His awe written all over his face, his sad eyes filled with longing, he still wasn't what she needed. It was frustrating.
That frustration was slowly getting to her. She was pure iron from shell to the core, carrying the weight of the ship, crew and the mission on her shoulders and she didn't mind that, she was good at it. But right now she felt like she needed to do something for herself. Go somewhere, talk to someone…
She left Alenko and started walking. Kept walking and walking, until she sat down in a chair.
"Hey, Commander," Joker said, and she turned around. She was in the cockpit, sitting in the co-pilot's chair, without remembering how she got here.
"Hey, Joker," she leaned back and pulled her knees up to her chest. He looked surprised. She'd never been so informal.
"Something you need?" he said, a little confused.
"Hm. No, just clearing my mind."
"I heard Liara was hitting on you again? Explaining to you how not all asari are strippers? I bet she'd already counted exactly how many years she'll get with you if you live all of the average human 150 years."
"Yes, she was kind of eager to study me in great detail."
"Of course she was. She's your number one fan, you know, after Alenko."
"Yeah, I know, but that ain't never gonna happen."
"Why not? You're not into some blue?"
"I prefer only one pair of boobs in bed. My own."
Joker chuckled a little, then coughed:
"No, really, Commander, was there something you needed? Got orders for me?"
"No, just relaxing. But I could leave if you want to be alone. You can tell me the truth, it's not going to affect our professional relationship."
He paused for a moment and gave her an attentive look.
"You're here to relax? Around me?"
"Yes."
"Hm."
"Why so surprised?"
"There aren't many people who would describe my company as relaxing. Annoying, charming, funny, sure, but not relaxing."
"That's what I find so relaxing."
Shepard had been checking up on him after every mission, like with everyone else. But seeing her curled up in a co-pilot's chair right now was like seeing her in private moments: something no one was supposed to see. Out there she was larger than life, but in here she was just a girl. He had never seen her quite so naked with anyone else before, even though she was dressed just fine. It was her soul that was naked, he realised.
Suddenly he didn't know what to do. Short banters now and then – he could handle. Conversation? Not so much. Would she find him boring, if she stayed longer?
Unfortunately, or maybe right on time, the console demanded his attention. He busied himself with calibrations for the relay jump, opened the intercom to give the crew the countdown, and flourished the approach vector maybe just a little to impress Shepard. It was about twenty minutes later that he was free to notice her presence again, and she hadn't moved in all that time. She was watching him with a little smile.
"What?" he asked.
"You really love what you're doing, I can tell."
"D'uh, I wouldn't be the best pilot in the Alliance if I didn't."
"Self-proclaimed," she grinned, and he put his hand on his chest:
"Ouch, Commander, that hurts me!"
"I still wouldn't want anyone else in that seat but you."
He could deny it as much as he wanted, but his ears burned hot at her words. He thought about telling her a joke, or something, to entertain her, but a quick look in her direction told him on some level that she wasn't here for entertainment. Perhaps this was a chance like no other to make this situation different.
"So, Commander," he asked trying to sound nonchalantly. "What's on your mind that you need to clear it so much?"
"My whole life has changed," she said without a moment's pause. "I'm not who I used to be, not who I taught myself to be."
"Who was that? And how did you change?" He asked. This was like sticking your arm into a Thresher Maw's throat: no sane person would dare to ask Commander Shepard such questions and dare hope to survive. And yet…
"I took the military path because it accommodated my violent streak. I became N7 to get to the top of this pyramid, to be in the loop, to know those things that are always on the need-to-know basis. And with becoming a Spectre I'm now exactly where I wanted to be. I have no other career related ambitions. So suddenly my mind is turning to other things, confusing things."
…and yet here she was, letting him poke her deep, opening up to him. It was dizzying.
"Like?"
"Like the Alliance. It's so limited in its hostile view of the world sometimes. I don't know if I can ever go back to the brass, follow orders and shoot at those "nasty bug-eyed aliens" we were taught to hate at the boot camp. It's just so stupid! The best warriors I ever fought with side by side are aliens. More honourable than some of my Alliance superiors. I don't know if I even want to be in the military anymore. I'm learning more and more about other species every day and it often makes me ask myself what it means to be human. Frankly, I had no alternative when I joined the Alliance, but now… I've seen so much since then."
"It messes with your head," he said. The fact that his CO, the famous Commander Shepard was sitting here, opening her soul to him of all people, was messing with his own head more than she'd ever know.
"More than you know," she sighed.
Joker's head was spinning and his guts turned into knots. This was not happening. Did she trust other people on the ship just as much? No. He was the guy with the security camera access and he knew about all the conversations on the ship, especially hers. But… He almost jumped, when he remembered that he didn't really have to hack anything to listen in on her conversations. She left her earpiece on most of the time, knowing perfectly well that he was listening.
She really did trust him this much. Why? He had half a heart to ask her about it, but decided against it. She wanted peace of mind, not more questions.
The jump took them to another system and as he put the ship into FTL to reach their next destination, Shepard leaned forwards to look out of the window.
"Whoah," she gasped, and he followed her glance, prepared to see a battle-ready geth armada. There was nothing out there.
"What?"
"I think that's a blue nebula," she said, pointing at their left. "Can't see it clearly through the energy flashes but I think it's truly blue."
Joker's heart skipped a beat. The look on her face was so innocent, so young, so pure, like she was a girl and some boy gave her flowers. His hands hit the console before he knew what he was doing. He dropped the FTL speed and steered the ship to a full stop in the best position to observe the space beauty.
"Blue. Pure blue," she gasped and leaned over for a better look, grabbing his arm for support. "I've never seen such a pure blue one! Isn't it beautiful?"
If you're looking at it, it'll be beautiful to me, he thought, looking at her amazed face. She seemed to get sucked in deeper and deeper into the endless void of blue out there and Joker knew: for that kind of expression on her face he would do anything.
"Joker, what's going on?" Pressly asked from behind them. "Why did you stop the ship?"
"Because Commander Shepard needs her postcard moment."
"Do you know how much fuel you burned on full stop and how much more you're going to burn to get back to FTL?"
"I'm the pilot, Pressly, I actually know. It's no biggie, we can manage."
Pressly looked at Shepard for confirmation and left them displeased, but she said blissfully:
"Thank you, Joker."
"You like blue nebulas?"
"I love all nebulas. They're breathtaking. I've seen a few orange ones, with a little of red or purple mixed in, but never a blue one, never so pure."
"Think I'm in a lot of trouble with Pressly now?"
"Yes, I think you are," she chuckled.
"Good," he stretched his fingers, ready to get the ship flying again. "Nebulas make your day, annoying my XO makes my day."
"Hey," she reached out and brushed his shoulder. "You're not in any trouble with me."
She got up and stretched herself, while he got busy with the controls.
"Thanks for the company, Joker. I really appreciate it. I feel much better now."
"Any time," he said. She turned with a sly eye:
"I may just hold you to that."
Jo felt Joker's hot glance on her as she walked through the CIC. There was a man who looked at her like she was a dish of ice cream and he was the spoon. Well, that was definitely something to think about.
