A/N: I know this isn't canon, but then Joker as a LI isn't canon, either. To me it makes perfect sense, because this man reminds her of someone very much, and that gets her hot and bothered. So, thank you all for reading and please tell me what you think about this turn of events!
When Jo met Admiral Ahern, she instantly liked his snarkiness and his underhand compliments. Five hours later she was partially deaf, her palms were burned, and she was on an adrenaline high unlike anything she'd had in many months. She'd just survived the Admiral's personal simulation with no safety. She was in dire need of riding out that wave and she knew exactly what she wanted. Whom she wanted, rather. This had nothing to do with love or feelings. This was pure need and Jo had no intentions of restricting it.
It wasn't easy to impress the Admiral, but that mission earned her a smile even from him.
„Call me Ahern, you've earned that, too," he said with a grin. Jo's lips curved into a cheeky lopsided smile:
"Thank you, Ahern. Say, are you at all free this afternoon?"
"Why?"
"Well, just the other day I blasted a major Prothean ruin sky-high. I'd like to celebrate that over a drink with a fascinating man. My treat."
Ahern paused for half a second, which made Jo smile even wider. He was a hard man to surprise for longer than that.
"I'm not sure it's appropriate, Shepard," he said, but there was no iron in his tone.
"For you – Johanna," she said lower and quieter, leaning a little closer to him. She made sure her earpiece was turned off that day. "Would you really say no to a beautiful young woman who just set a new record on every single scenario you had to offer, most of them on the first try?"
"You show some promise, Shepard, but it's still hardly appropriate."
"I strongly disagree," she caught his eyes with the intensity of the desire he was waking in her. "Let's discuss this in detail over a drink."
"Girl, you offer an old man a drink, yet you sound like you're offering something else."
"I am," she leaned even closer. "So how about it? Can you resist a cute blond batting her lashes at you?"
"I would have succumbed easier if I hadn't seen you destroy my battle simulator," he shifted from one foot to another, and then waved a hand: "Well, what the hell, why not. It's not like I see many humans on this station. And females to the bargain."
"Wonderful," Jo beamed. "How about after your shift is over, at the cafeteria?"
"It's a date."
If her crew could see her just then, they would have wondered what was happening with her. They didn't know how tensed, raw and frustrated she felt when she arrived at this station, they had never seen her grab a male and drag him off before. They didn't know her that well just yet. They knew her as a professional, tough, intense Commander, but they had no idea how barbaric her ways could really be. Basically, she just hit a man over his head and dragged him off to her den to have her way with him, only to discard his bones later. And right now she truly didn't think she had to justify herself to anyone. The old man with his half-praise and poisonous sarcasm really rubbed something in her that wanted sex. Kaidan's deep and sad eyes were sure a marvel, but right now she wanted something different. A man who would scratch her nerves and rub her against the fur, not a tragic hero.
By the time when Ahern was off duty, she was sipping a deep green drink at the local cafeteria. He approached her and sat down where another drink was waiting for him.
"You ordered for me?" he raised an eyebrow.
"I asked the bartender what you usually drink," she said. He pulled his blue drink to himself and relaxed in the seat.
"So what's your opinion on our training station?"
"It's an oversized and frankly overpriced gaming arcade for chuckleheads like Vidinos. You can't train real soldiers here," she said. He raised an eyebrow:
"Oh, really?"
She explained to him in detail how a re-playable simulation was like learning a dance with specific steps but couldn't train a soldier to truly use the environment. His own mission re-enactment was different, hence probably the only educating mission on this whole station.
"I see you've seen some real action, too, Shepard. Of course I know you're right. For soldiers like you and me the usual simulations are just a game. But for most of the chuckleheads that come here even those aren't simple enough."
"Well, let's rest in the security of knowing that they won't survive their first real battle," she grinned. "And please, call me Johanna."
"Right, Johanna. What are we celebrating here anyway?"
"Oh yes, the destruction of one of the major Prothean ruins. The Council was at my throat for that one, but I can tell you for sure: Prothean or not, the whole construction collapsed like any other stone building you've ever seen."
"Did it, now?"
"Oh, yeah. In fact, it collapsed so hard that it woke a volcano. Lava, ashes, you name it. My pilot demanded a gold medal for pulling my ass out of there."
"You gave him one?"
"I'll consider that after he saves my life a couple more times," she said.
"You are a hard woman to please, I see?"
"What he did wasn't beyond his abilities. I'm very pleased with him, as a matter of fact, and he knows that."
He measured her for a while as they both drank and finally asked:
"So. Why did you insist on inviting me here, Johanna?"
"Actually, I wanted to ask your own opinion on your training facility."
"You said it yourself, it's nowhere near real action. But I'm trying to teach these turians how to think outside the box, even if it's harder than teaching a krogan to look pretty."
"I don't know if it's a turian thing. My turian and my krogan are both skilled enough to have my back in every battle."
"So you've found two gems in a shipload of pebbles. Good for you."
"People keep telling me I have an eye for talent."
"Well, well, aren't you a bucketful of cheerfulness," he chuckled. "You always so happy?"
"Hell no," Jo shook her head. "I'm just in a total buzz after winning your mission. Don't you feel like that sometimes? Total adrenalin rush? Thrill of victory?"
"Shepard, you really shouldn't be looking at me like that. I could lose my post over this."
"Why?"
"Fraternising with a junior officer? Are you crazy?"
"If a Lieutenant Commander isn't good enough for you, then how about fraternising with the first human Spectre who just broke every record on this station, including a no-safety suicide mission, and is a gorgeous, tough blond who wants you enough to jump your bones right on this table?"
He gulped.
"Don't tease an old scarred man like that."
"Scarred?" Jo leaned closer across the table. "Show me yours and I'll show you mine."
He watched her for another long while, and she knew he only needed a little push.
"Or are you afraid of what your yahoos will think?" she teased, gesturing at the recruits around them in the cafeteria.
That got him right where she needed him. On his back on top of his own bed in the private apartments two storeys above the training level. She climbed on top of him and began undoing his uniform.
He ran his hands over her hips:
"I am an old man, Johanna," he whispered hoarsely.
"I hope so," she said.
"You do?"
"You promised me scars. I want to see a history of a warrior."
"I got scars, yes, but that's not what I meant."
"Admiral, lean back and enjoy. Inspiring you is my job."
"Why the sudden 'Admiral'?"
"It suits you far better. It's what I feel," she rubbed her crotch against him. "It's exactly what I need. Not the soulful and sad black eyes."
"Oh, so there's someone you have your eyes set on?" he chuckled.
"Not exactly. He has miles to go before he becomes a man that I need."
"Someone from your crew?"
"Yeah, my lieutenant. Why are we talking about him when I'm burning alive to feel you inside me?"
"Because we're still half-dressed."
Jo got up from the bed to take off the remainder of her clothes. Oh, she needed this. So much.
Afterwards they lay naked and sweaty side by side and all they could hear was each other's heavy, but calming breath.
"Feeling better?" he asked eventually.
"Tons," she sighed dreamily and turned to her side to face him. "Already feeling bitter regret?"
"Well, Johanna, let's put it this way," he looked down at her. "You are a very, very beautiful woman."
"I'm glad you like what you see." She traced one particularly long scar on his chest with her finger. "So, which ones are left from that suicide mission I just went through?"
"This one," he pointed at another scar on his neck. "Doctors said it was a miracle I didn't lose my vocal cords there."
"Tell me more."
For a while he indulged her with stories of different missions, but eventually asked:
"Tell me about your scars."
Johanna sat up and showed him a long, ripped, even though barely visible scar from her armpit down to her right breast:
"A merc almost gutted me when I was a kid in a gang back on Earth, before I joined the military. And this one," she pointed at a big bullet scar above her hip. "A fellow soldier got me good when the thresher maw was chewing on him on Akuze."
"You've got burns on your hands," Ahern said.
"Oh, that's from the total overheat during your mission. I'm actually still quite deaf from the roaring guns."
"You're not bad at roaring yourself," he grinned.
"Thank you," she grinned right back.
She asked to use his bathroom and he gave her direction and watched her wander off as naked as she was. When she came back, still showing no discomfort at being unclothed, and joined him back on the bed, Ahern tugged her now cool body towards himself:
"Do you have to leave?"
"Eventually."
"When is that?"
"Tomorrow morning. I am, after all, on a mission."
"Far be it from me to hold you up from your mission, but you don't have to go right now, do you?"
"No, not at all. The world won't end if I spend a night at my pleasure."
"Then stay."
Jo rolled off the bed and reached for her jacket. In a top front pocket she found her turned off communicator and pressed a button.
"Pressly?" she spoke into the earpiece. "Please, give everyone a night off. I don't know, go get some drinks at the cafeteria here or pick some fights – I don't care. I'll be spending the night on the station." She listened to her XO's affirmation. "Let everyone have some fun, I don't care about their condition tomorrow. Just make sure the Normandy is still in one piece when we fly. Right. Have a good night."
"You have a curious way of speaking to your people, Johanna."
"I do?"
"Yes, like you're having a conversation instead of giving orders."
"That's because it's my XO and I am having a conversation with him. He is twice my age and has seen more than I can imagine. I will not insult him by diminishing his intelligence. But when it's serious, you bet I'm giving orders, even to him."
"So you're never rude?"
"I'm never rude to my crew and people I like. Are you?"
"All the time, honey."
"I noticed!" she chuckled, lying back at his side. "I like that."
"My rudeness?"
"That and your sense of humour."
"Do you do this often?"
"What?"
"Jump your superior's bones?"
"You're not my direct superior, Ahern. And no, a real man is hard to find."
"What about that lieutenant of yours?"
"Sad and soulful black eyes?" she chuckled. "He's the kind of a man who would rather die unhappy than break a rule. I don't see him being what I need anytime soon."
"His loss."
"Yep, that's what I was thinking."
"Did you tell him what it is you need?"
"What am I supposed to say? Stop whining and get dirty with me? Regularly?"
"If that's what you want."
"I do want him to stop crying me a river every time his past comes up. So he is a biotic and was at the brain camp? My life isn't picnic either, but hey, here I am, and there he is. Anyway, why are we talking about him again?"
"You're starting to grow on me, like athlete's foot. Maybe I want to know where your heart goes, when you're not taking care of your needs."
"This guy makes me feel like his mother. I don't think it's a good starting point for any real feelings."
"So he doesn't stand a chance?"
"I like men with attitude. The more the better. He says he likes adventurous women, but he'll need to step up a lot to attract me."
"Are there no men with attitude on your ship?"
"Well, there is my pilot. He's got attitude enough for both of us."
"Then why not pursue him? Apart from the regs, that is."
"I think he Commander-zoned me from the start."
"That must happen a lot to you."
"That didn't stop you, Admiral."
"I'm not out to win your heart, pretty thing. I'm just along for the ride, enjoying the view."
"I noticed," she grinned, running her fingers over her breast, which he duly followed with his eyes.
"Johanna, Johanna, twice in a night is a heroic deed that belongs to my past by now."
"I have magic fingers," her grin was devilish. "And if that doesn't help, I've got some magic lips and one hell of a tongue."
"I don't know how you did it," Ahern spoke through his panting when they collapsed on the bed after another round. "I didn't know I had it in me."
"Yes, I showed you what one woman can do. Now it's time to show the whole world," she laughed.
"I hope for the sake of the world that you don't have the same in mind for it as you had for me. The world might not survive it."
"Oh, yeah, and I'm good with my sniper rifle, too!"
They both rolled in the sheets, laughing. After a while, however, she became serious, even a little sad again.
"Now what?" the Admiral asked, surprised by her silence.
"I just wondered when the last time was that I had fun. Not drinking myself blind with the guys kind of fun, and not beating the crap out of some merc with my bare fists kind of fun. Just laughing about nonsense, like now."
"So when was it?"
"Before I became a Spectre. Long before I was even assigned to Normandy. And now I know the reason why."
"You're going to share no matter if I want to hear it or not, right?"
"Because of the sad black eyes. Seriously, I felt some attraction from the moment I saw him, and he felt it, too, so he dragged me down with his misery. He's always so serious, dutiful, I'm afraid to even smile around him."
"Uhuh."
"Me saying this out loud means I'm over it. Soulful eyes or not, he's no good for me, because I don't only want to win my mission. I want to have fun."
"Good for you, smartass." He smacked her on her naked butt.
"Admiral, I'm really glad I dragged you out to have that drink tonight. I really appreciate your willingness to put up with me."
"You made it worth my while. Barely, but still."
In the morning Jo threw the shirt Ahern had torn off her into the garbage bin, while he was watching her from the bed. She had nothing left to wear under the jacket, and she left it half-unzipped. It had been a while since she showed any skin, she decided and went down to the cafeteria to have some breakfast.
The cafeteria looked a little… rearranged. Most of the bottles behind the bar were missing, almost all chairs were also gone, as well as a big chunk from one of the tables. The bartender, a different one than last night, was cleaning something that looked suspiciously like turian blood off the floor.
"Commander," she heard Alenko's voice and raised her head. He and Garrus approached her table and fell in next to it.
"Good morning," she said, taking a bite from her pie. "What happened in here?"
"There was a little… misunderstanding last night," Kaidan said.
"Garrus, I'd like to hear your version."
"Pressly told us last night that you gave everyone shore leave, so we all came here for some drinks. It didn't take much for Wrex to get it on with one of the trainees here about who is better with a shotgun. When the bartender threatened to throw everyone out if we started shooting, Wrex used his fists. Ashley helped. Then the rest of us also helped."
"Whose blood is that?" she pointed at the floor.
"Some idiot who said you cheated to beat his record in the simulator."
"Vidinos?"
"Yes."
"Is he dead?"
"No, just probably wishes he was."
"And who got him? Don't tell me it was all Joker."
"Actually, I vaguely remember me and Adams holding him while Wrex worked some of that krogan magic on him."
Jo smiled and nodded with approval, getting another bite of her pie.
"I see I've missed a lot," Ahern said, approaching them all and taking a good look at the cafeteria. "What are you laughing about, Shepard?"
"Just about my guys showing your guys what a real fight is like," she chuckled even harder, unable to stop looking at the blood on the floor. Ahern turned to Garrus and Kaidan, sized them up:
"You did this?" he asked, but paused. "Wait. Sad and soulful black eyes?" he asked, pointing at Kaidan's chest.
"Excuse me, Admiral?" Kaidan froze.
"Admiral, please meet Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko," Jo introduced.
"Commander?" Kaidan's face was an icy mask. "What's going on?"
"Lieutenant, return to your post," she said firmly and watched Kaidan turn on his heel and leave. "And this, Admiral, is Garrus Vakarian, the jewel in a shipload of pebbles. Garrus, please meet Admiral Ahern. I don't think you've had the pleasure yet."
"Your Commander thinks you're something special, turian," Ahern shook Garrus' hand and they both joined Jo at the table.
"Yes, we were talking last night about this training facility," Jo explained to Garrus. "Admiral says that the turians here have some difficulty thinking outside the box, and I told him that real soldiers can't be trained in a simulator. I said that you and Wrex are the two men whom I trust with my life in battle, and the Admiral congratulated me on finding two jewels among a lot of pebbles. I'm lucky like that, I guess."
"Thank you, Shepard," Garrus said and Jo realised he turned an almost black shade of blue around his forehead. Was this the turian way of blushing? "Perhaps it's just you bringing out the best in your team."
"He's not wrong, Shepard," Ahern said. "You found your special team, you never let go of them."
"Not even in a dream," she nodded, finishing her pie. "Anyways, we have to leave, Admiral. I wish you luck putting Vidinos straight again. I'm told he made a real connection with my krogan."
"We're not going to be missing you, Shepard," he said with a grin.
"If you come up with a mission that might actually challenge me – message me and I might drop by again."
"Good luck with your work."
"Good luck with your turians."
"It's been a pleasure."
"Damn right it was!" she shook his hand and followed Garrus towards the exit. For once she had a relaxed smile on her face.
