While on the Citadel she ran into someone entirely unexpected. Someone who made her stop in her tracks. Johanna Shepard never forgot a face. And this man… Last time she saw him, he was a boy of fifteen, small, skinny, dirty, covered in pimples. Ethan Finderley, nicknamed Finch. A sneaky little shit from the Tenth Street Reds. His presence here on the Citadel, after eleven years, was like a punch in the face.


Joker sat up and looked closer at the feed from Shepard's camera. The way she sucked in some air when she saw the human man alarmed him. Everyone knew she was not of the jumpy or skittish kind. Whoever that man was, he was interesting. Joker was not disappointed:

"They told me it was you," the guy spoke up with a smug grin. "But I didn't believe it. Shepard grew up and turned into a soldier."

To Joker's great pleasure Ash also seemed very interested in Shepard's reaction because her camera was firmly set on the Commander's face. Joker saw no real expression there, but the lack of it was an indication that something strong was going on inside her.

"Why are you in my way?" Shepard said calmly, her stance calculated, relaxed, powerful.

"Name's Finch. You probably don't remember me, but we ran together in the Tenth Street Reds."

Joker sat up straight in his chair. Curiosity shot through him like lightning bolt. Tenth Street Reds? Shepard's extended file said something about her being in a gang as a teenager, Tenth Street Reds. No way, he thought. This guy was from her past? Her pre-military past? The one nobody really knew anything about? This was priceless!

"Maybe you don't remember it yourself, running in a gang. None of the vids mention it when they're talking about you."

The corner of her mouth jerked a little and her voice changed when she spoke. It turned deeper, harsher, colder… She sounded like a backstreet criminal:

"The vids never tell the whole story. So, what can I do for the Reds?"

The guy continued to tell her a story about one of the Reds being in turian custody for some minor offence and asked her to get him out. He also explained how since her days the Reds had expanded outside Earth.

"Word has it you've got some pull with the aliens. All we're asking you to do is pull a little for us."

"I'll see what I can do," she said in the same criminal voice. All Joker missed right now was popcorn. This was better than any vid he had ever seen!

"Thanks, Shepard," the guy said, offering her his hand. "I knew you'd remember your friends."

Shepard took his hand and held it firmly, while she pulled her pistol and shot the guy in his foot. He screamed and collapsed, but she remained calm.

"Ash, step on him, will you? Don't let him run away while I talk to the turian."

"You already shot him in the foot, Jo," Ash shook her head. Joker noted that for some weeks now Ashley, Wrex, Garrus and Tali were calling their Commander Jo instead of Shepard.

"He's a weasel. Just… Actually, grab him and bring him with us."

All four of them went to Chora's Den. Garrus hung back a little, watching the whole scene, as Shepard approached a turian at the bar and Ash pushed whining and moaning Finch into one of the chairs.

Shepard spoke to the turian with the utmost politeness and respect, probably to point out to Finch that he couldn't control her. She quickly found out that the other gang member had been arrested for a hate crime against turians and was facing a lifetime sentence. He admitted to working with several anti-alien organisations. Shepard thanked the turian very respectfully and turned to Finch.

"I knew you didn't have what it takes, Shepard. If you can't be useful, you'll be publicity," the little shit said. "When we're done telling your story, all aliens will know what the first human Spectre really is. They don't know that the Reds target aliens specifically. Your alien friends won't like you so much when they hear what your friends did."

Shepard's eyes brushed quickly to the side, giving Garrus a cheeky glance. Joker could see through her feed how he winked at her – a gesture she'd taught him a month ago. Oh, yes, this turian would definitely start hating Shepard when Finch told everyone his story, no doubt about that! Joker could barely hold down laughter.

Shepard continued playing along with a serious face, asking Finch what would get him out of her life, but Joker could see all of their faces and knew they could barely stay serious when Finch wailed:

"If you won't help us, we'll drag your name through the dirt! Your alien friends will revoke your Spectre status. You'll be nothing. Unless you're willing to pay, say, 500 credits."

That did it. The whole team laughed so suddenly and loudly that Finch jumped, cursing at his bleeding foot.

"Oy," Shepard cleared her throat, trying to stop the giggles, while Finch looked at her aghast. "Did you hear that, guys? 500 credits! Oy, on my mama's grave, this is so great, I wanna watch this on our next vid night!" She calmed the last giggles and rubbed a tear from the corner of her eye. "You little shit, 500 credits will barely cover the shipment costs to Earth."

"What shipment costs?"

"Your body in a casket."

"If you kill me, we'll finish you. You'll never wash off the dirt we'll pour on you!"

"Man, you do realise what this is, don't you?" she tapped the tiny device on her temple. "It's called a camera. It's recording everything you just said. You just shot yourself in the foot. I mean, the other foot."

Shepard turned to the turian guard who watched the exchange with mild disgust.

"Sir, would you please stand witness to what's going to happen now?"

"Sure."

She pulled her pistol out again and shot Finch fifteen times in the heart without even looking his way. Chora's Den paused for a moment, then returned to the usual business. The body fell to the ground and blood started pooling.

"Impressive," the turian said. "Perhaps the first human Spectre will not be a disappointment after all. Good bye, Spectre."

Shepard looked down at the body and spoke:

"Joker, please, write down a name. Gore Stanbury. When we're done with Saren, could you please remind me to pay this gentleman a visit?"

"Will that visit involve incendiary rounds?" he asked her with a grin.

"Most certainly."

Shepard personally called C-Sec. The body was moved through the system under her watch after she provided the video material containing her entire exchange with Finch. Then she had it put in a coffin-sized crate, put a datapad with the vid copy on his chest and personally paid 500 credits for a delivery to a warehouse on the 10th Street in Vancouver, Earth.

After the incident Joker kept wondering what Shepard had been like in her youth, as a child, a teenager. The earliest photo of her in her Alliance file was at the age of 18, when she enlisted. So, next time she came around to check on him, he asked her about that. She tilted her head, thinking.

"Imagine a kitten that was born in the wild, never had any contact with humans, and was suddenly caught and put in a cage. What does that kitten look like? Well, it backs into a corner, hisses, shows fangs, claws, tucks its ears in, bows its back, whips the tail, fur stands on end. That kitten would never let anyone approach it. It lashes out, bites, scratches, it's untameable. It would rather claw its way up a wall than let anyone touch it. No matter how gentle you try to be, it'll never trust you. That's me in my childhood and teenage years."

"But you were always surrounded by other humans, people like you, weren't you?"

"I would hardly call them people. It was a wild world where only the strongest survived."

"And why exactly did you join the Alliance?" he asked. She always made it sound like there was some very specific reason for that. Even now she bit her lip and turned to leave:

"Stick around long enough, Joker, and maybe – just maybe – one day I'll tell you why."


They left the Citadel the same day on another mission, when Jo got another message from Hackett. This one froze her all over. Akuze. Alliance scientists had been working on Akuze at the same time her unit had been wiped out by the Thresher Maw. Now they were turning up dead. She wasn't breathing when she ordered Joker to fly them to the last scientist's last known location. She was seriously not in the mood to talk to anyone else right now, so she went to the cockpit and shooed Alenko out of his seat. When he was gone, she sat down and started tapping her fingers on the armrest.

"You sure it's about your unit, Commander?" Joker asked carefully. "Who would be killing those scientists?"

"No, I'm not sure, but it would be a hell of a coincidence. Classified project, their suspicious timing, and now they're being executed? I need to know what's going on."

Two ghosts from the past on one day? That was intense. It turned a lot more intense when she opened that door and found Corporal Toombs pointing his gun at the scientist.

"Sheesh," she gasped for breath. A survivor. Another survivor! Another fucking survivor from Akuze!

"I have no grief with you, all I want is this bastard!" Toombs sounded hysterical. Slowly and carefully Jo took off her helmet and spoke:

"Toombs."

His head whipped to her side:

"Shepard? My God, Shepard? Is that you?"

"Toombs, how are you alive? I saw the Thresher Maw chew on you!"

"They took me, Shepard. The scientists. See, they were running tests on the Thresher Maws. They let those things hit us just to watch and study. I woke up in a holding cell. The scientists were delighted I survived. Now they had someone to run tests on."

Jo's heart turned over. She stepped closer to him and asked quietly:

"What did they do to you?"

"You can't believe Toombs, he has no proof! I demand a fair trial!" The scientist yelled. He was already dead, he just didn't know it yet. Jo dismissed him, too focused on the shifting world around her. She was not the sole survivor of Akuze. Her Corporal Toombs stood before her.

"This man deserves to die, Shepard. For you, for me, for everyone else in the unit. Are you with me?"

Jo stepped even closer and put a gentle hand on his shoulder.

"He will die, but this is not your kill. It was my unit. You were my soldier. He and you are both my responsibility. I'm a Spectre now, nobody will persecute me."

"You can't kill me! You don't know who you're dealing with!"

"Damnit, Shepard, let me kill him! You got out with a few scratches and a scary reputation. I'm the one they tortured! Ever had Thresher Maw acid in your veins? I have. They wanted to see what it would do. They're part of some organisation, Cerberus, they run secret tests like this. They treated me like a lab animal. This is justice."

"If I'd known, I'd have come back for you, Toombs. I'd never leave anyone behind. You know that."

"Yeah, Shepard."

"I'm sorry about all that happened to you. But you don't get to throw away your life like this. He is mine."

She raised her rifle and sent one incendiary round into the doctor's abdomen.

Toombs looked down and covered his helmet's visor with his hands.

"It's… over. Maybe now I'll be able to sleep."

Jo threw one arm around his neck and tugged him with her.

"Come on, I'll give you a ride. We have some stories to share."

Everyone who was not on duty gathered in the mess hall around their guest. Normandy didn't usually do guests, so it was big news. Even better was the fact that this guy could tell them stories about her from the old times, before she became N7, when she was young, only a Lieutenant, before any of them met her. Stories from the mission that gave her the ghastly and rather questionable reputation. Akuze.

"Nice ship, Shepard," Toombs finally cracked a smile, as she sat him down with some food and allowed the crew to relax for the evening. "I knew you'd make it far."

"Thanks. Your presence means that I'm not the sole survivor of Akuze, as I've been marked for all these years. You can't believe how happily I'm saying goodbye to that title!"

"How did you get out anyway? I thought everyone died, I thought I was the only one left."

She got up from her chair:

"Not without your help, Toombs." People gasped when she started lifting her shirt, then tugged down the waist of her trousers. Even Toombs looked up with interest, forgetting all his trouble. She pulled the waist down a few inches, baring a patch of skin that showed an old bullet wound. "That's your work."

"Mine? What are you talking about?"

"That Maw jumped up from beneath, you got caught in its teeth and you fired your weapon in all directions without looking. Got me good. I fell down and started crawling away. The Maw never came for me anymore. I thought you were dead, eaten by the thing. The others were already… well, you know how it was. So, I was bleeding to death, as I climbed over rocks and sand, took me hours to get to the LZ. They patched me up and declared me a hero. Some fucking hero. I didn't see it coming. I should have."

Toombs did something no other person on this ship would ever dare to do in their right mind: he reached out and ran his fingers over the exposed skin of her hip, over the scar he had given her.

"You and me, Shepard, we are the last ones."

"That we are. I've been killing Thresher Maws whenever I could since then. I returned to Akuze and killed the one. Then two more."

"Yeah, I've been doing some cleaning up of my own."

She sat down and took his wrists in her hands.

"Toombs, I'm so sorry for everything. Leading the unit into that nest, getting everyone killed… I'm so sorry I didn't find you. If only I'd known, if only I'd researched more afterwards, connected the dots, I should have found those scientists."

"Don't beat yourself up, Shepard. You didn't know."

"You were my responsibility, Toombs."

"What's done is done. They've all paid for what they did."

"I lay in that hospital thinking about all of you, and I cried."

"Get lost, Shepard, you don't cry!" he chuckled.

"No, true fact. I cried."

"Really?" he looked at her with big eyes, still the young Corporal he used to be, despite all that had been done to him.

"Yes. Toombs, it's over for both of us now. What can I do for you? Take you somewhere? Have you seen your sister since?"

"No, I haven't. Couldn't face her."

"She's still on Elysium?"

"Suppose so."

"She'll be as happy to see you as I am."

"What am I going to do?" he sounded lost.

"Live a life you were robbed of by those fuckers. By the way. Did you say they were Cerberus?"

"Yes, I found out when I was looking for them. Got some intel on Cerberus activity. Our unit was not the first and not the last they did something like that to, Shepard."

"Hackett told me they were Alliance scientists working on a classified project."

Heavy silence fell in the mess hall. The implication of Cerberus agents working under Alliance cover and protection were potentially explosive and they all knew that.

"Give me all the intel you found. I've had a few run-ins with Cerberus before and they gave me nightmares, but this is personal. I will destroy them one day, I promise you." She didn't add that she would never forget Alliance's involvement, either. Toombs had been through enough.

"Thanks, Shepard." He looked around at all the people quietly watching him and finally relaxed into a real smile. "I see you finally got what you always wanted, eh? Mixed alien-human unit?"

"Yeah, well, it just… happened."

"You always wanted a mixed team?" Tali asked. Finally, story time.

"Why don't you tell them all the embarrassing stories about me, while I go look up your sister's address?" Jo suggested to Toombs and went to her room to use her Spectre authorisation to run a person search. When she came back, everyone was hanging on Toombs' words. He was telling them about the time she kicked another Lieutenant's teeth in for suggesting the First Contact War was a miserable defeat for humanity and that the turians should be made to pay for it.

"We were all relaxing in the lounge when Shepard and Diaz got into it about the First Contact war," he was telling them with fire in his eyes. "They stood at the pool table with cue sticks in their hands, and things got more heated and heated, Diaz was shouting that all turians were monsters, you know, stuff like that. We thought the cues will soon get some action, but then Shepard just jumps up and kicks Diaz in her face. Nobody had ever seen a kick like that! People came running, you know, other officers, to see what was happening, and we all thought: shit, this is bad! Then Major Wyer walks in, and Diaz is still on the floor, holding her face, and he asks: what's this? Diaz is quiet like a fish, and we all start mumbling about how it was an accident, when Shepard says…"

"I did it," Jo said from where she stood, playing along with Toombs' story. He looked at her with a cheeky smile, as all his listeners jerked to find her there.

"Yeah, she holds that cue like a flagpole and says: I did it. Diaz starts mumbling about how it was an accident, but Shepard says: look, there is her blood on my shoe. So Wyer orders her in shackles and puts her in the brig. Didn't last long, though."

"You harmed another officer and got away with it?" Alenko was sceptical. Jo approached the table and joined the circle:

"I was facing a disciplinary action. Spent three nights in the brig waiting for the official charges, but someone from higher up found out what the incident was about, so they dropped the charges under the condition that I formally apologise to Diaz."

"Did you?" Garrus asked.

"I apologised for losing my cool, but refused to apologise for believing she's a trigger-happy xenophobic moron."

"Why, Shepard, you have some strong opinion on the First Contact incident?" Garrus was intrigued.

"I do. I wish I'd been there," she said firmly. Now everyone turned to her, Toombs' eyes were sparkling. He knew what she would say and the way she sounded made him relive those old days before the horrors of Akuze.

"Don't keep us waiting, then," Wrex urged.

"Well, it might be difficult for you guys to understand, but back then we'd never seen an alien before. As far as we knew, Protheans that left us an archive on Mars were gone and we were the only species left in the galaxy. Then Shanxi was built. They sent out an expedition through a new relay to explore the uncharted territory. Humanity was barely a decade into the whole new world of mass effect, relays, interstellar travel, we were fresh out of diapers back then. The expedition jumps through the relay and encounters the greatest miracle in our little human universe: real, living, breathing aliens. One of the most defining, historic moments of our existence! Hell, we've dreamt about aliens for thousands of years, making up stories, looking at the stars, asking them the question as old as time for us: are we alone in the universe? The Mars archives gave us proof that there used to be someone out there long ago, but the Shanxi expedition actually found living aliens! That was the greatest miracle, the most unbelievable thing in the world, the most fantastic, beautiful, mind-blowing and life-changing thing in all the human history. Aliens open fire on them, one frigate returns and gives the Shanxi government the news. The most important news ever given to the human race. And what do they decide to do?"

Her speech was so energetic, her fist banged on the table so forcefulyl that people now hung on her words.

"They fucking retaliate!"

"You would have done something different?" Liara asked.

"Damn right I would."

"Like what?"

"I would have set up a transmission on a ship saying in Prothean language that we mean no harm to anyone and flown it through the relay myself. We were uplifted by the Protheans, so it stood to reason that the aliens, if they weren't Protheans themselves, would at least know the language and technology. If it was the only way to communicate with them, I would have put the best linguists on that ship and begged those aliens to talk to me."

"You think they would have?" Tali asked. Jo turned to Garrus:

"Would they have?"

"Probably. There are protocols for first contact situations. They thought humans were violating the Council Law about not using inactive relays, they didn't realise you were actually a new species. They would have at least stopped firing, if they received a message in Prothean language."

"Exactly. One decision that defines humanity to the rest of the galaxy ever since. Retaliation."

"So, say you were at Shanxi, sent out an expedition which got shot down by turians and only one ship returned, reporting hostile aliens. You wouldn't shoot back?"

"Under no circumstances."

"But how could you know they were not actually some hostile aliens who destroyed every other species out there? You could have risked a full-scale invasion."

"That is a risk a person in command always has to consider. Shanxi's choice had been to engage with force. I would have died before I'd let that happen."

"And if the turians invaded Shanxi anyway?"

"The Arcturus station and the fleets were still there and would have dealt with an armed force. The whole thing depended on the actions of the man who gave the order to shoot down the turian patrol in retaliation. That was the greatest treason against humanity, against peace and against the galactic community that any human has ever committed."

"So you blame humans for the First Contact war?" Garrus asked.

"Abso-fucking-lutely. When I joined the military, I knew I would have to do better than that. It has always been my motivation. No fearful, trigger-happy baboon under my command should ever have a chance to commit such a crime ever again."

That gave them all a lot to think about on the way to Elysium, where Jo delivered Toombs to his sister in one piece. Ash avoided Jo for a few days. Jo knew what the younger woman's beliefs were strong because it was her own grandfather commanding Shanxi's forces, but she'd made a crack in Ashley's defences before and hoped the young woman would see the light.

It was partly to irritate Ashley, when Jo asked Wrex to spar with her in hand-to-hand in the cargo bay again. The gunnery chief always watched those sessions with bewilderment. Jo knew she couldn't understand her closeness to other species.

Wrex gave her a few bruises, but he knew enough about human physiology now to find ways to have fun without serious damage. Jo won that session. When she finally sat on Wrex' back, twisting his arms backwards until he gave up, they were both laughing.

"You're like a pyjak, Jo," he rumbled from beneath her. "Too fucking quick! But I betcha, in a real fight to the death I'll win."

"No, you won't."

"Yes, I will."

"Won't."

"Will, will, will."

"Won't, won't, won't! I can take you with my bare hands."

"Tell yourself that, little monster," the huge krogan lifted himself up when she released his arms, and got to his feet with Jo still sitting on his shoulder. He threw her off himself like a sack of potatoes and put her on the ground carefully, almost lovingly.

"One day I'll tell you the story about David and Goliath, Wrex," Jo said affectionately. She could see Ash's displeased face. She left Wrex and approached the dark-haired woman.

"Something on your mind, Ash?"

"No, Commander."

"And truthfully?"

"You said that my grandfather's actions were the greatest treason against humanity."

"Yes, I did."

"All my family was always doing their duty, picking up the rifle and joining the fight! We serve humanity, first and foremost!"

"And how did he serve humanity on Shanxi? By single-handedly launching a full scale war against a whole new species? He risked our safety, resources, even existence – why? Because he got scared. He did us no service. He discredited us all, put a shadow on our relationship with all the other races. Tell me, Ash, what kind of service do you think he did to humanity back then?"

"He was protecting us as best as he could!"

Everyone in the cargo bay now could hear their raised voices, and chose wisely not to interfere.

"How come armed response was the best he could do?" Jo asked quieter, calmer.

"It was…" Ash stumbled over her own words. "It was the only way he knew."

"Would you say that a non-military person in his place would have done something different?"

After a pause Ash shrugged:

"Probably."

"Tell me, how did retaliation protect humanity?"

Ashley shut up and returned to her guns. For a minute there was silence.

"Ash. Tell me. How did your grandfather help humanity that day?"

"Shepard, leave me alone, please. I can't just… Can't just say goodbye to what I believed my whole life."

"Would you do the same as he did if you were put in the same position right now? Ask yourself that. The answer will say everything about the woman you are."

Jo left Ashley alone and set sail to Virmire to investigate a lead from the Council about Saren. A whole day after their conversation Ashley came to her cabin and asked for a private conversation.

"Drink?" Jo offered her some batarian ale. They sat together over two poured glasses.

"You've been pushing my buttons ever since we met," Ashley said mirthlessly.

"Yes, it's what I do."

"Could you give up something you believed your whole life if someone said you were wrong?"

Jo thought about that.

"I don't know. But I'd at least try to see the problem from all sides."

"I believe in protecting humanity against all threats. I always knew who I was and what I needed to do. Then you come in and start picking me apart, Jo. It's not fair."

"Can I do anything to make your life easier?"

"Not if you want to remain who you are. I just… Help me out here, Jo. I don't know what to think, or what to do. You give all those big speeches about the First Contact War, but let's face it, you speak with the knowledge that we didn't have back then. Nobody knew what turians were, how strong, what they wanted. It's easy to talk now, because we know the situation, but back then?"

"I really hope you don't take this the wrong way, Ash, because I respect you and I respect the toughness of your grandfather's position. But the actions of a person who doesn't know the whole situation yet tell a lot about him. First of all he didn't bother to learn more. Second, he assumed hostility. Third, he acted on an assumption out of fear. There are historic moments like that, and some people aren't ready for them. Frankly, most people aren't. I'm not saying I am a perfect leader, spirits forbid. But I have an eye for that kind of situation. I'm very vocal about my vision of peaceful cooperation of all species, and I'm willing to offer my hand in peace, even if the chance is big that it'll be bitten off. Ash, I'm not making you believe anything. I'm just telling you what I believe in. I offered you once to get you another assignment if you weren't comfortable with my ideas, but you stayed, didn't you?"

"Yeah… It's just… You confused me with your crazy ideas, but I wanted to see how you stick to them in action."

"And?"

"I still can't figure you out. You killed Liara's mother, but you let the rachni queen go. I mean, I get it. Sort of. And I'm sticking with you, I'm not leaving. But my family…"

Jo took Ashley's hands in her own.

"You cling to what you were taught to believe in like it's the last straw holding you over an abyss. I understand that you want security, you want to know you'll land safely if you let go of that straw. Sure, I'll be here and I could show you the beauty of what I believe in. I have a feeling you want to see it, too. But you'll have to let go and let yourself fall first. I can't do that for you. That's your job."

"What, that easy? Just forget everything I knew all my life?"

"No, nothing is easy about it. In fact, hardly anyone can claim to have that kind of courage. To try something new. We're all creatures of habit to some extent. Even I never had to change my mind so thoroughly. If you manage, damn, you'll be better, stronger than me, Ash."

Ashley squeezed her hands in hers:

"You're a crazy woman, Jo. I don't know if I can make it, but… I'll think about it."