Once on Virmire Jo fell back into the N7 training state of mind. Impossible odds. No backup. Extremely limited resources. Low morale. A perfect job for Lieutenant Commander Shepard. And then Captain Kirrahe had the good grace to tell Wrex about Saren's research into the genophage. He freaked, stomped off and started shooting his rifle in Normandy's general direction. If he left a scratch on her baby, she would grind him to dust.
"Calm down your krogan," the salarian said. "Before he hurts someone."
"You sure it's a good idea to talk to him right now? He looks pissed," Ash said.
"Watch and learn, Williams," Jo patted her shoulder and walked closer to Wrex.
"This isn't right, Shepard. If there is a cure for the genophage, we can't destroy it!"
"I understand. I do. But I'm not the enemy here, Saren is the one you should be angry with."
"Oh, really? Saren created the cure for my people. You want to destroy it. Help me out here, Jo. The lines between friend and foe are getting blurry from where I stand."
"Saren didn't create the cure for your people. He created it to breed him an army of mindless killing machines. They're meant to be his tools, Wrex. I don't share Kirrahe's opinion that krogans don't deserve the cure. You know me better than that. But right now Saren is our biggest problem. He will use that cure as a weapon. If we don't destroy this whole base right now, none of us will be here to see the cure being put to good use."
"That's a chance we should be willing to take. This is the fate of my entire people we're talking about!" He got right in her face, the intensity of his feelings washing over Jo like a shower. "I've been loyal to you so far. Hell, you did more for me than my family ever did. But if I'm going to keep following you, I need to know we're doing it for the right reasons!"
He pulled his shotgun on her. Jo folded her arms on her chest and cocked her head:
"Wrex, these krogans are Saren's tools. If we allow him to use it, you will all be his tools. Is that what you want for your people?"
He was still thinking about it, the muzzle of his rifle barely a foot away from Jo's chest, when she saw Ashley slowly taking position behind Wrex. She leaned to the side to look over his shoulder and yelled:
"Ash, what the fuck are you doing back there? Don't make me fucking kill you." Then she returned to look at Wrex, completely ignoring his weapon trained at her. "Wrex, I know what the genophage means to you and to your people from your words, and they were powerful words. I know it looks like I'm about to take away the only hope you have to survive. But if Saren created it, then it can be recreated in the future. And it will be a future where the krogans can teach their children what it means to be krogan. They will be free, not anyone's tools, not toys, not guard dogs, not mindless brutes, but a glorious, strong race. You know now that a cure can be made. Have a little faith, Wrex. In yourself and in me."
He looked at her with that blazing red stare of his and she could see wheels turning in his head. Then he lowered his gun.
"All right, you've made your point. I hate this, but I trust you enough to follow your lead."
"Belle: two, Beast: zero," Joker chuckled in her ear and she smiled. Wrex put away his rifle and gave her a curious look:
"You didn't pull your weapon, Jo."
"I didn't need it."
"You may not know it, but it's considered a great insult for my people, if you don't see your opponent as threatening enough to even pull your weapon on them."
"Come on, Wrex, we've been friends for how long now? Give me some credit. I thought it would mean something like that. But this was a battle of wills, not bodies. It wasn't meant as an insult, I just don't need my weapon to enhance my willpower. I'm not afraid of you, Wrex. It doesn't mean you're weak. It only means that I'm always stronger."
He shook his head a little in good humour:
"You're crazy. Crazier than anyone I've ever met."
"I know," she said and nudged his in his side: "I still can take you with my bare hands."
"Can't." He nudged her back.
"Can."
"Can't, can't, can't!"
"Can, can, can!"
The salarians around them looked aghast at the open display of affection.
Then everything went to hell. Virmire changed all of their lives. Joker's heart broke as he listened to the transmission between Ash, Kaidan and Shepard. Through Garrus' feed he could see how angry and desperate she looked, pacing up and down that rooftop, ready to kill anything and anyone, just to not be forced to choose.
A short time later, or maybe an eternity later, he watched her talk to Kirrahe in the cargo bay. Virmire was over. If he knew anything about his Shepard, she was deeply shaken by the day she'd had. A gaping hole opened in the crew's body at the spot where Ashley used to work. Joker could see that she was about to collapse but couldn't allow herself the weakness anywhere… but around him. Shepard kept all conversations short. He took notice of how she did not stop at Kaidan's station to chat, but went right up to the CIC.
She sat in the same place as the other times, curled up and turned to see him.
"Commander," he nodded solemnly.
"Jeff," she spoke quietly and he had to think for a moment to realise she'd never called him by his first name before.
He said nothing for a while, and neither did she. Asking her how she was would set her ablaze, he knew it. Making casual conversation would be disrespectful. Poking her would be too soon. The way she closed her eyes and obviously did some kind of breathing exercise to calm herself down told him that she needed the quiet right now. He still wondered why she sought his company in those moments, but another part of him was incredibly proud. He was the one this woman came to when she needed support, when she was about to break apart. He let her collect herself. If she wanted to talk, she would let him know. After a while she did:
"What a fucked up day."
"I know. Didn't see that coming."
"Yeah, tell me about it."
"Ash…"
"Ash will never be forgotten, as long as I live," she forcefully interrupted him.
"Of course not."
"I loved her like a sister," Shepard offered in a softer tone.
"So… why'd you pick Kaidan?" he asked and braced himself for a storm, or maybe even a punch. Instead she kind of sobbed.
"It'll sound horrible if I tell you."
He looked at her with worry:
"Shepard, I'll never judge you, you know that. Never."
She observed him for a little while, then sighed:
"Ash was ready. Kaidan isn't."
"Ready for what?"
"It's just a feeling… a feeling I have about them both. Ash learned so much since I met her. She changed so much, and she had the strength to welcome that change. It's not a small deed, it requires more strength than most of us imagine. She truly understood sacrifice. She was… she was ready to ascend to her god as an angel. Kaidan, though… he knows sacrifice, but he is miles away from being as magnificent as she was. He hasn't reached his potential, like she had. He needs to live and learn, and maybe it'll help him get there, knowing that an angel gave her life for him. He's not ready to die in peace. What I did… I know people see it as reward for Alenko and punishment by death for Ashley, but it felt the other way around. It's punishment for him, because he's not good enough to die at peace with himself. He has to live with it. I'm not sure any of it makes any sense to anyone but me."
"It does, Shepard. It does. It's just an unusual way of seeing things. Your way."
"Is my way the right way?"
His heart sank. For the first time since he met her, he could hear a note of self-doubt in her voice. Commander Shepard didn't usually need anyone's approval, she made her decisions and stood by them, no matter who jumped down her throat. She bludgeoned her way through any kind of tough situations. She'd been angry at herself and very sorry when Toombs had appeared out of nowhere, but she hadn't doubted herself like now. Something pinched in Joker's chest. She was only human after all, not an infallible machine that always made the right choice. He could see now that she might not always show it, but the choices she made tore at her soul just like anyone else. Usually her iron front kept her feelings from showing, but not today. This was the day she cracked.
He couldn't let that happen. Not because she was his Commander and needed to be strong to lead them into their next battle. No. He couldn't let her crack and start doubting herself because he cared about her. She was hurting more than ever before and he wanted to help her. Ease the pain. Give her support. Boost her confidence. He would do anything to make her feel better, just because he couldn't stand the pain and doubt in her voice.
"You know what I think?" He said. "I think that if you do the right thing, it just feels right. Only you can answer that. Does it feel right, the choice you've made?"
She gave it a thought.
"It does. Yes, it does. Even now."
"Well, then. You know what I also think? I believe that you always make the choice that will feel right to you. And I'm here with you on this mission because I believe."
"In what?"
"In your way. Your conscience. Your heart. I mean, do you think it's easy for the crew to chase ghosts from a vision you had and nobody else can confirm? We all have to come to terms with that, with the fact that you and you alone know what the mission is. All of us had to make a deal with ourselves. Some follow you because you offer them direction, some follow you because of your killer ass. Some…"
"Yes?"
"Some follow you because we can see your light."
Suddenly she sobbed for real, and this was the first time he saw a tear escape the corner of her eye:
"Why me? What makes my light different from others? From Anderson, or even Saren? How do you know I deserve your trust?"
"I know it because whatever you do, you are honest and uncompromising. You say and do what I would have done if I were honest, if I could go to the same places, if I fought the same battles and was truly, really faithful to my heart. I wouldn't be here if your way wasn't my way."
"So… d'you think others follow me so eagerly because I show them what they could have done if they were at their best?"
"Not really at their best. After all, you do a lot of merciless things. But you show them what honesty is. If you're pissed at someone enough to want them dead – you kill them. If you know in your heart that someone deserves a chance, even if all logic speaks against it, you'll help them. Many people let logic cloud their judgement. Many would have killed the rachni queen, for example. But you showed everyone what they should have known better than logic. You showed people what it means to be true."
"You explain me so well, I wonder if there is still any mystery left to me."
"Nope, not to me, Commander," he allowed himself a chuckle.
"Hm, too bad, I like dazzling people with my mystery."
"Can I ask you something?"
"Shoot."
"Is there a choice in your life that you regret? Something that didn't feel right? Ever?"
She fell silent for a while, thinking. Then she said:
"No. Don't think so."
"And that is why we'll all die for you in a heartbeat."
She fell silent after that, and while Joker flew the ship, he couldn't stop the butterflies in his stomach. Yes, he thought, I'd die for you in a heartbeat, anytime, any place.
When he turned to look at her a while later, he realised she dozed off. The tears had dried and her face relaxed. She looked like a cat on a windowsill. Hands curled against her chest, feet tucked under her. For the first time since he knew her, he saw a few strands of that gorgeous blond hair escape their prison and fall to her temple, ear and neck. She looked so real then, more real than ever. His heart ached with a feeling he absolutely refused to name. It still didn't stop him from turning his chair, reaching out to her and brushing the soft strands out of her face.
He'd never touched her before.
Jo woke up and the fighting instincts kicked in right away. Half a second later she realised where she was and why: cockpit, co-pilot's chair, talking to Joker. How had she fallen asleep? That was beyond unprofessional, it was just wrong.
Or it should have been. Because as she looked up at the pilot, she didn't feel wrong at all. On the contrary, she felt like she could easily wake up on a thousand mornings next to him and it would only feel right. However, it was not morning. She'd only been asleep for half an hour and Joker was still working. Jo got up, stretched and put her hand on his shoulder in her usual farewell gesture to him, about to leave. But the sleep and the conversation they'd had before mellowed her mind. Her hand lingered on his warm body, her fingers spread, her thumb gently stroked his neck and she really had to fight the urge to touch him more.
The cautious part of her brain offered her usual response: this is a weird situation, I should think more about it later. But the relaxed part of her only shrugged: no thinking. It just feels good. Still, she removed her hand before Joker, who was distracted by his consoles at the moment, could really notice.
It wasn't late and most of the people were still working at their stations, including Alenko. Jo went to her cabin and only a few seconds later someone requested entry. It was him. Jo paused before letting him in. Earlier, during the debrief with the others she'd firmly shut Kaidan down when he expressed his uneasiness about Ashley's death and his own survival, and later she avoided talking to him because frankly she couldn't even look at him. But fair was fair – he deserved her attention and her time, just like any other person on her ship. And she was a very good Commander, even if it meant doing things she really didn't want to do.
"Kaidan," she gestured him to enter and take a seat. Just like with Ashley the other night, she offered him some batarian ale. It spoke a lot about his state of mind and nerves that he accepted.
"Shepard," he began and she knew that he remembered well her angry outbursts during their previous conversations when he mentioned saving her from mistakes. She could sense that he wasn't here to question her or impose his morals on her. Today he was just a man, troubled more than anyone else on the ship, maybe even more than her. He was here to try and find some peace of mind. She owed him that much, having found hers already. "I have to know. Why me?"
Jo sighed. She'd told Joker the truth. She believed that Kaidan wasn't ready to die at peace and needed to keep living and learning to ever become good enough. But all diplomacy lessons she'd ever had pointed out that telling him that wouldn't be wise. But Joker's words also echoed through her mind. She was always true to her principles and right now she simply couldn't tell Alenko some pretty lie. She'd have to tell him the truth, even if some… other truth.
"I loved Ash like a sister, Kaidan. Giving her up was like cutting out a part of myself. But that is my pain and loss I'll deal with it. I just gave her a chance to choose her own exit. She understood true sacrifice and chose the one way out that left her at peace with herself. Not many people can claim a noble death."
Kaidan looked confused:
"So… it wasn't really about me. It was about Ash."
"In a way – yes."
"In what way? Don't you think I know what sacrifice means? I begged you to leave me behind."
"I just felt that she was… ready. She wasn't making that choice with her head, but with her heart. I respected her enough to give her that freedom."
"And I wasn't speaking from the heart?"
"Hm. To tell the truth, I wasn't really thinking about you at that moment. None of it had anything to do with you, personally. I saw the magnificent, beautiful person Ash had become and I let her ascend to greater things, as she wished it."
"But… why me, Shepard?" Kaidan was still shaking his head over his drink.
"Haven't you been listening to me at all? I didn't choose you. I chose her. Just not in a way you think."
"Then… why not me?"
"For someone who claims to truly understand sacrifice you sure sound very selfish."
That made him stop questioning her and Jo really hoped he wouldn't notice how she danced around some aspects of her reasoning. Those were things she didn't want to tell him. At least not right now.
"Ash died because of me. Because of us," he said, swallowing some burning alcohol.
"No, she didn't. She died for us, for herself, but not because of you."
"I've served for years, but I never lost a soldier under my command. Not to hostile action anyway. If you don't mind my asking… how did you deal with losses on Akuze?"
"As I said to Corporal Toombs: sat in the hospital and cried."
"Don't give me that, Commander. There is a lot more to dealing with those situations."
Jo took a breath and summoned the shiny, sparkling hero Alenko always seemed to relate to:
"It was my job to get everyone out safely. I failed." She played all her cards at once here, knowing that he needed her to admit failure of some sort, draw some heroic, dutiful conclusion and end on a soft note of a hope for a better future. That was Alenko's recipe. "I vowed not to let that happen again. Same here: I'll remember her and I'll do better for her."
"Yeah. I guess that's all we can do," Kaidan said and got up to leave. "Thanks for the advice, Ma'am."
Jo waited until the door closed after him before she sighed very deeply. Her way of commanding this ship was to bind each person to her personally. She showed each of them the kind of Shepard that motivated them best. For some of them she had to bare her soul, for some she had to exaggerate some character feature of hers. Alenko's Shepard was a mask that required most acting, and it was the one that exhausted her most. Alenko sucked all energy out of her. She truly didn't know how she would have dealt with him now if Joker hadn't pep-talked her earlier.
Joker watched the feed when Shepard was meeting with the Council again, telling them of Saren's base of operations. She took Kaidan with her, and by now there was no uneasiness left in Joker at the handsome man's close proximity to her. He knew now that she didn't take him with her as a reward, but to make him see how much he still had to learn. It was through Kaidan's and Garrus' feed that he saw Udina skilfully step into the talks and claim Shepard's victory for himself. He was close to cursing the bastard, but then he saw her face. Cold chills and goose bumps ran all over him. Her face showed nothing. No emotion at all. He didn't know if anyone there realised what this meant, but he sure knew. She was always honest enough to show people when she was angry with them. This time she was beyond angry. This blank face was a promise of death to Udina. A promise as sure as the sun coming up in the morning. He would receive no mercy from her, no reprieve, no second chance. He was a dead man walking and he just didn't know it yet.
As far as Joker knew, no one had received such a death sentence from Shepard, at least not while he'd been working with her. Not even Saren. But then, he realised, no one else had betrayed her so far. Saren was an enemy, and he fulfilled his role perfectly by working against her. He didn't disappoint. Udina just royally fucked her. And there was nothing scarier in the world than Shepard's face without any expression.
She only let herself fall when she was back on board. The Council had once again treated her like she was an insolent, delusional and dangerous child. Joker was enraged about his ship being out of his control right now, but the way the Council dismissed Shepard like she was nothing more than a common soldier really cut him. Did they really expect her to sit down and watch? Did they really have no idea how intelligent, smart and strong she was? They made her a Spectre, they should have known she was no simple soldier. She was a leader, and a great one, too. Today showed him how different things were outside the Normandy. On the ship everyone learned to respect and appreciate each other, no matter if they were humans, turians, quarians or other species. Out there in the world humans were still second rate people to be used when they could be useful, but kept on a firm and short leash otherwise. After everything Shepard and the Normandy crew had done! Not just about Saren, but rather about interspecies cooperation! How could they treat her like that?
She was a woman of unmatched strength and needed no protection, and usually Joker was the last person to get involved into political disputes, but he found himself wishing he could do something, anything, to help her realise her vision. Like he told her the day before, he came to see her passion as his own. He was a believer. He just didn't know yet what he could do.
Joker really had nothing better to do than watch security cameras all day, and he observed closely as Alenko found Shepard at her locker, trying to get her to talk. But Joker had a feeling that Alenko was up to something more when he pulled her up to her feet and leaned closer in. It was time to intervene, even if he would later have to ask for forgiveness. Better that than being sorry for something he didn't do.
"Sorry to interrupt, Commander. Got a message from Captain Anderson."
Kaidan jumped away from her, which was Joker's intent all along. Shepard looked at the camera and said:
"Are you spying on us, Joker?"
He could tell she wasn't angry with him. Maybe amused.
"No, ma'am, just knew you were on the ship and figured I'd pass the message on. The Captain said to meet him at Flux, that club down at the Wards."
They broke apart and she headed for the stairs. When she was at the airlock, she said to him:
"I can handle it, Joker."
Maybe she could, maybe not, but he had his own game to play. He would keep her safe in any way he could, whether she wanted it or not. Even from Alenko.
When she returned, he was drumming his fingers on his armrests. If Anderson was successful – and he really hoped that the Captain would break Udina's nose – they would steal their own ship and go against orders. Well, this galaxy needed to be saved, but mostly saved from itself, its own blindness and stupidity. Shepard stopped right behind him, both of them staring unblinking at the sensor, waiting for it to turn green. His hands were ready for action, and she had her hand on his shoulder. The only sign of her impatience was the squeeze of her fingers. She seemed to feel better now, focused, purposeful. If his support last night helped her to deal with the pain, he was glad. He was still cautiously thankful that he was not the one who had to make that kind of decisions. God knew he was not a leader, but he would try his best to support Shepard, if he could make her life easier in any way.
"Partners in crime, huh?" he muttered at her, never taking his eyes off the sensor.
"You're the best one I've ever had," she muttered back.
The light turned green and Joker set to work.
