The opportunity presented itself before Joker even knew what to do. That day Shepard first had him stop the ship to scan a few planets for resources, delaying their arrival by almost another day. Years ago he might have been surprised to see her personally do the scanning, one of the most boring, mundane operations he could imagine, but keeping in mind what he heard her say to Garrus yesterday he noticed her absent, stony face when she was busy with the probes. He could imagine that it was helping her soothe whatever demons were torturing her in her head.
She stood at the console for hours and even scared away Kelly, who'd tried to start a conversation. As he gently put the ship into orbit and out again for her, the rest of the crew had nothing to do. No urgent business, no preparations for a mission. Jacob had already polished her new missile launcher and all her armour, Mordin was singing in his lab, Garrus was lazily calibrating the main gun, Miranda behaved quite well in her solitary cell, Zaeed found grateful audience in Patel, Rolston and Mathews, Kasumi was invisible somewhere, Ken and Gabby were bickering in Engineering and Jack was reading. The calmness settled on the Normandy, the new routine kicked in.
After the scanning Shepard surprised everyone again by declaring a poker night in the mess hall. Attendance mandatory. On any other day he would have ignored the order and refused to go, but this was a chance to talk to Shepard without specifically asking for a conversation. So he went.
The quiet routine was affecting him, too. For the first time he acknowledged the fact that he could go somewhere, as in – walk somewhere, without making an awkward deal out of it. He'd been walking for a couple of months now since that Cerberus surgery, but never stopped to smell the roses until today. He no longer looked like an accident waiting to happen. No crutches, no other visible help. For all intents and purposes he was a regular guy with a limp. He'd never even told his parents and sister about this change in his life. They'd all be pissed at him for hiding it, he knew that. It was just harder than he thought to admit this kind of connection to Cerberus.
He did wonder how his old friends saw him now. Garrus? Did the turian even notice? And Shepard? He was no longer chair bound, and closer to looking like a man than a genderless cripple, so…
No, he preferred not to think about that. His legs were new, but confidence didn't come with the package. He hadn't had much time to test the limits of his new body yet, and thirty three years of being on the defensive about being the sickly kid with dreams way out of his league didn't just go away. In fact, that snarky, defensive part of him, which his mother always called porcupine, was raising its head again. He didn't need to be led by the hand to the playground to be forcibly introduced to other children. He was perfectly fine on his own. The fact that these other kids were Cerberus really didn't make him feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
It was only in the mess hall that he realised that Cerberus forces on the ship were almost outweighed by non-Cerberus forces. Five new security officers, Chakwas, Garrus, Shepard, him, Mordin, Hadley, Jack, Kasumi and Zaeed against Jacob, Kelly, two navigators, a communications officer, EDI and Gardner, with Ken, Gabby and the whole bunch of techies pending somewhere between factions at the moment. He was in enemy territory no longer.
Shepard took care of entertainment. A biotiball match ran on the screen in the mess hall, plastic chips and a deck of cards were waiting for them, while Gardner was piling up mini-pizzas on a tray. A separate tray waited for Garrus. Next to them on the counter stood a box of ice cream and a plastic bag with honest to god paper-wrapped candy from Earth. He had no idea how Shepard had found these things on the Citadel, or why she would spend money on such luxuries, or even why she decided to dish them out today for no apparent reason, but she wore a content smile as she observed Gardner and that was reason enough for him.
When everyone settled down and the first game begun, Joker realised it looked a lot like those poker nights on the first Normandy, which he actually never attended personally. Only Alenko wasn't here to nag. Instead Jack made a late appearance with her colourful body and even more colourful vocabulary. Kasumi said outright that she'd never played poker without cheating, and Shepard was the only one brave enough to take her on. They ended up having a bloody poker battle for an hour, while the others kept betting on the winner. Kasumi had the advantage of a hood, so her game face wasn't even visible, but Shepard's perfectly open face was a masterpiece. Even people who weren't really into poker were captivated by the spectacle. Shepard never said so, but the crew finally realised that she was cheating as much as Kasumi, if not even more. Neither woman was ready to lose, and neither really had an advantage. One round would go for Shepard, another for the thief, always keeping their balance pretty even. In the end Shepard destroyed her masterpiece of a stony face with a smile and said:
"I think I'm neglecting everyone else, which is unforgivable for a host, so I'm out. For now."
Kasumi didn't do a victory dance. She knew that this battle could have gone either way.
"I'll be glad to play against you any time, Shep," she nodded.
That was when the company broke up into a number of small conversations. Joker observed Zaeed, Jacob and Ken loudly argue about the importance of live music in clubs, Jack biotically levitate Dr. Chakwas in her chair by just moving a finger, Garrus and the navigators re-enacting some battle scene from a war vid and Kelly annoying Gabby and Mordin. Shepard cruised the hall like a good host, participating in all conversations for a few minutes, then moving on. He knew he would be her last stop and he hoped to get a chance to talk to her, show her that he was trying to support her in whatever way he could.
Jo maneuvered herself to Joker's side. The whole point of this evening was to get him down here and spend some time in his presence, because he'd been ignoring and avoiding her ever since their first day on this ship. Frankly, she could only stay away from him so long, but the last thing she wanted was to crowd him. However, something was different about him today. He sat alone and carefully observed her. She hadn't expected to have so much of his undivided attention and wondered what he was thinking about, as he sat there, playing with a candy wrapper.
"What'cha doin?" she offered a smile, moving her chair closer.
"Nothing much," he gave her back a grin. That grin warmed her whole body. It was a good sign, right? Would he let her stay a little longer at his side? "Say, Commander, you have a good hand-to-eye coordination, right?"
"The best. Why?"
"I'm also known for how unbelievably good I am with my hands. Wanna little challenge?"
"A game?"
"Not really a game, just something I saw once, but never tried myself."
"Sounds vaguely dirty. Share."
"Goal is to make some origami figure out of a piece of paper. This wrapper will do, actually. Challenge is: we have to do it together, each using only one hand. Like my left and your right – to see how well we can coordinate."
Her heart melted right there.
"I'm game," she tried not to sound too eager.
"Well, then, scoot over." He beckoned her to move her chair even closer, until their legs were touching and her shoulder was right against his. "Wait, we better switch hands: my right and your left, so we don't have to twist our elbows in a knot." He moved his left arm over her head to the back of her chair, half-hugging her into him. She was so okay with that, he could probably hear her heart pounding in her throat. She could smell his skin, the shampoo on his hair, feel the heat of his body through their clothes. She never wanted to leave this spot. And to use her left hand in the game she had to move even closer and tuck away her right arm. There was no other place to put her hand but somewhere on him. She opted for his knee, which he left without comment.
"So, what are we making?" she asked before she would blush like a girl.
"Let's start with a simple crane and see from there."
It was a strange sensation, having two hands and a task in front of her, yet only controlling one hand. Their heads bumped gently as they both tried to get a better look at their work, but neither seemed to mind. From this angle Jo could turn her head and look in his face from beneath his cap. Shielded from overhead light, his eyes seemed a very dark green with a kind of gentleness in them that soothed all her demons. Leaning against Joker, feeling his arm around her back, his stubble constantly brushing her cheek and temple, his breath stirring the short hairs on her temple, spreading her palm on his thigh, she felt like a normal human being, hot and tingly, with butterflies in her stomach. Living in the present had never seemed like a better idea. It took them a few tries, but they managed to fold a half-decent crane.
"We're not as bad as I thought we would be," Joker said, pleased with himself.
"Well, we are a good team."
"True. Up for another one?"
"Absolutely. Wait here, I'll get some paper."
Paper being a rare commodity in the age of digital data, she could only find more candy wrappers. Complete with candy inside. She smiled when he bypassed eating the sweets, just unwrapped them and dropped them on the table.
"Come on," his eyes sparkled, as he spread the wrapper in front of him. She slid into the same place, more confidently now. Her head was almost on his shoulder and she could feel his hot breath on her skin. They'd never had so much body contact, from the day they met. "How about a frog?"
"I don't know how to fold frogs."
"Then it'll be my challenge to explain it to you along the way."
"Wait, where is the crane?" she looked around, not seeing it. "Damn, I wanted to keep it."
"Too late, I'm already keeping it. You can have the frog."
"So you're the pilot, you get the flying thing, I get that. Why am I getting the frog?"
"Because you're so ugly, green, fat, clumsy and warty."
"Gee, Joker, thanks, I love you, too!" she gently pinched him and swallowed hard after those teasing words. She wanted to say them and mean them. He sniggered and kind of tugged her into his side:
"Forget the frog. We're making a rose. Do you know how to do those?"
"The cranes are the top of my origami skill."
"Then let me teach you, my young Padawan."
"Yes, Master Yoda."
He was explaining and she was accommodating, their voices low due to them being so close together, the rest of the mess hall drifted to the background. After the rose they tried a few other figures, talking nonsense about old vids. He was telling her that the Star Wars saga, the original one, had been made to vids seven times since the books came out all but two hundred years ago, each version an attempt to trump the previous ones, and he suggested she found the time to catch up on all of them when she told him she'd only seen the latest version. The evening drifted past them in intimate conversation and their bodies huddled close together. It was past midnight, and others were slowly drifting towards the dorm, when Kelly moved closer to them.
"You look exceptionally cosy," she smiled and Jo shuddered a little. Joker picked up on it right away. She felt his smile against her temple, even if she couldn't see it.
"Did you want something, Chambers?" He asked.
"No, just wanted to see what keeps you two so entranced."
"Satisfied?"
"Is that difficult?" She gestured at their hands. "Looks fascinating."
"If you're about to ask to join in, forget it," Jo said.
"Far be it from me to butt in between you two. This looks like an excellent bonding technique. Couples in marriage counselling are asked to do something similar. The point is to learn to trust each other and rely on the other's ability to listen."
"Gee, thanks, Chambers. The day I need marriage counselling, I'll come to you right away!" Jo said eagerly with just a tiny tone of sarcasm.
"You are often being sarcastic about my psychology degree, Commander," she said calmly. "Do you not trust me?"
"No," Jo said simply. "Your degree is an insulting piece of garbage. You were born in the wrong galaxy if you want to try to psychoanalyse me and mine. I only keep you here to see what you'll do to get the Asshole your reports on my activities. I'm sure it'll be very entertaining, especially since I'll shoot you in the foot the minute I find out you tried."
"I see," Kelly said a lot cooler, stood and left. Joker leaned down to Jo's ear and his stubble tickled her:
"Right on, sister," he whispered. "She creeps me out."
"And me."
They finished the latest figure and decided to call it a night. Jo collected the rose and wished Joker good night. She wore a stupid grin all the way to her cabin and headed straight to the shower. She turned it hot and let her fantasy fly. His body heat, his touch, his hands, his skin and scent… She leaned her forehead against the wall, caught in her fantasy, breathing heavily, as she slipped her hand between her thighs, imagining him there, or everywhere.
When she finally finished showering, she put the rose on her nightstand and fell into bed with the same blissful grin. It was the first time in this second life that she got two hours of uninterrupted, nightmare-free sleep.
When they called it a night, most of the crew were already in the dorm, asleep or about to. Joker watched Shepard go to the elevator and realised he was too agitated to go to bed. He didn't know what riled him up so much, he just wanted to start running and screaming and trashing things. There was nowhere on the ship he could go to have a private moment of freaking out, which was one of the few drawbacks of working in space. His side was freezing after Shepard had been leaning against him for so long.
The med bay was empty and dark. He retreated there and didn't bother with the lights. What was happening to him? He thought he'd talk to Shepard a little, let her know he didn't think she was the enemy, make sure she knew he was on her side, no matter what.
But then she came over with that innocent face. She wore a soft grey hoodie and a white tank top underneath, looking so domestic, small, soft and approachable… She moved closer to him almost eagerly, when he suggested the game.
From that angle he could easily look down her cleavage, if he wanted to. What a stupid question. Of course he looked. Her bra was white and lacy and her breasts…
His brain switched off and the devil was riding his body all night, Joker thought. The devil made him do a version of the "yawning move", the cheesiest move ever. To his endless wonder Shepard only leaned closer into him, her warm body snug against him, like she belonged there.
That feeling of belonging was what was driving him nuts right now, he realised. Over two hours were spent with her in his arms and they were the best two hours of his life. Once she was gone, he'd felt cold, sliced in half…
This would not do. She was his Commander, and she was Shepard. He would never allow himself to even start thinking about it. What is 'it'? - a smart voice in his head prodded him. Most of the time Joker loved being smarter than many other people and he hid it well, like a secret weapon. Right now his intelligence was turning against him and he started to feel his defences crumble. Nothing, - he told that little voice. Oh, really? - it laughed. You know that 'it' is the reason you took her death harder than anyone else among the survivors, 'it' is why you agreed to sell your soul and body to the devil just on a wee chance to see her again, 'it' is the reason you were burning from inside all evening, whispering words into her ear, hugging her into you, smelling her shampoo…
Shut the fuck up! Joker smacked his own forehead. Anything to tune out that voice. Admit it to yourself, - the voice tried again, but Joker used all the willpower he had to silence it. No. He would admit to nothing. Not even to the hard-on he was showing right now. It's just been a while since he'd been with a woman, his body would probably find anyone sexy right now. Oh, yeah? Then how come you stayed celibate since the day you met her? – the voice was merciless. He was pathetic, really. He opened his pants and gripped himself tight, stroking forcefully, as he repeated again and again in his head that he was NOT carrying a torch for his Commander.
When he was done wiping himself off with some towels later, the mantra seemed to have worked. The voice was silent, his breathing back to normal, his heart rate even and his soul completely empty. It was better this way. All he had to do was to convince himself of that.
When he was on his bunk later, he couldn't fall asleep for hours. He was silently frustrated, but he would never admit to it, even to himself. He really needed to stay away from intimate situations with the Commander in the future.
And it really didn't mean a thing that he kept the crane they made together under his pillow. Why would it mean something?
She wasn't making it any easier: the very next morning she stood behind his chair with her hand on his shoulder, watching him approach the planet. It meant nothing, he was repeating to himself while his hands worked. She was the Commander and he was the pilot. It was important that they made a good team, important that he knew what she was thinking so he could save her from death on another crazy mission, but that was it. There never was and never would be anything between them. Any sane man would take the chance to look down her cleavage, why feel bad about it? He already knew that everyone was ogling her fine ass. But she was the Commander and that was all there was to it. This feeling of emptiness inside him didn't mean a thing.
She took the girls with her groundside. Jack and Kasumi were new on the ship and hadn't had a chance to work with Shepard as a team yet. Garrus and most others came to the cockpit to watch the feed on Joker's screen, like it was the finale of a biotiball season. This time they knew from the beginning that there would be some fighting. Why? Okeer was a krogan, that was reason enough.
They were not disappointed. Or maybe they were. Shepard's fighting style differed from the Purgatory mission like a krogan differed from a salarian. She stayed in cover, watching the other girls and offing some random merc here and there.
"She never liked biotics on her team," Garrus offered his opinion.
"Why not?" Jacob sounded a little hurt.
"She says biotics disrupt her own fighting. Targets disappear from the crosshairs, things fly around, and blue flashes distract her. I wonder if she'll take Jack on any more missions."
"I don't know, she seems just fine with biotics right now," Zaeed shrugged. Shepard had asked him not to smoke his cigars in the CIC, but even if he wasn't holding a cigar, he still stank like a burned down tobacco factory.
"Yeah, she's fighting differently today," Garrus agreed.
"She is a professional," Joker couldn't hold back his own pride in his Commander. "She knows more than one fighting style."
Jack seemed to have trouble fighting in a team for a while, but she was listening to Shepard's instructions on the comm and when they reached Okeer, she and Kasumi could almost work together.
When the warlord was dead, his little test tube safely stored in the Port Cargo and the Normandy was on the move again, Shepard came to see him.
"Did you collect stray cats as a kid?" He muttered to her over his shoulder half-seriously. "'Cause we totally needed a mega krogan, so thanks for dragging him home."
"What, you have something against my baby?" She asked and something new in her voice made him turn around and look at her attentively. Her eyes sparkled. She was up to something.
"Say, what? Your baby?" He gaped.
"Yeah. Did you see him? He's really cute. I'm going to wake him up. Or, you know, give birth to him, considering the situation."
Joker gaped at her, opening and closing his mouth a few times, unable to produce a sound. EDI interrupted his gaping:
"Commander, the Illusive Man wishes to speak with you."
"Take a message, EDI. I'm down in the cargo bay with my baby," she turned and walked away. Joker still gaped after her. Yeah, why was he surprised? Hadn't she been all friendly with Wrex two years ago? He should have been surprised if she hadn't considered this new krogan her own baby. But still… Geez. Her way of doing things was not just unconventional, it was crazy. Crazier than Jack sometimes.
"EDI, show me the cargo bay and the tank," he said, hurriedly logging into the security system, then patched through to Garrus: "Shepard is going to wake up her new baby, Garrus, did you know?"
"Yes," Garrus seemed a little displeased, too. "She asked me not to interfere."
"You know, sometimes I could just grab that woman and beat her on the head with her own rifle."
"What is that human expression… you're preaching to the choir."
"Could you still, I don't know, just to be sure…"
"I'm already there."
Jo knew that Garrus was hanging around Engineering to make sure her baby wouldn't kill her, and she let him. You can't ask someone to look out for you and then slap away their helping hand, even though she was more than confident she could handle one little newborn krogan. Well, he wasn't little, but otherwise…
She couldn't say what made her so excited. She needed a fighter on her team, not a loose canon amidst her crew, but when she first realised Okeer wanted her to take this one with her, a true interest stirred in her. The kind of interest that pushed aside all the raging screeches in her head. Sure he was fully grown, but he was still a baby. Maybe it was even better that he wasn't an actual child – that would mean that she'd have to bring him to Tuchanka and give him away into the care of some other woman because the Normandy wasn't a place for children. But when it came to a real warrior with a baby's mind, she was excited. Something about taking care of him, teaching him, watching him grow into a real krogan stirred some deep protective, nurturing instinct in her.
"The subject is stable, Commander," EDI spoke up when Jo was in front of the gigantic tube.
"Don't say 'subject', EDI. He is not a thing. Is he aware of his surroundings?"
"Unlikely. Current neural patterns indicate minimal cognition."
"All right, let's open the tank."
"Cerberus protocol is very clear regarding untested…"
"Say 'Cerberus protocol', EDI. One. More. Time." She dropped her voice to a very threatening level. Apparently even the AI was smart enough not to push it. "I'm not going to be second-guessed on my own ship."
"Very well."
Jo pushed the button and the liquid was drained from the tank quite quickly. Seconds later the latch opened and the krogan fell out of his prison, coughing up more liquid, collecting his senses, fighting disorientation. He seemed even bigger when he actually stood in front of her, but he was by far not as big as Wrex. Jo stepped closer, letting him become aware of her presence. The very next moment he charged.
Jo didn't fight him when he slammed her body against a crate and followed up with his elbow in her throat.
"Human, female," he said in a deep, pleasant voice. "Before you die, I need a name."
Jo smiled. He was a krogan all right, but he just had the luck (or misfortune) that the very first person he met was neither afraid of him nor was she going to take his bullshit.
"I'm Commander Shepard and I suggest you relax before I blow off all four of your testicles."
"Not your name. Mine," he didn't sound angry at all, only a bit confused. For a few moments he spoke his thoughts as they were coming to his head. About Okeer, his teachings that held no meaning, until he arrived at the conclusion that the word 'grunt' would do as his name. Aw, her baby just named himself. Jo couldn't hide a little proud smile, and it didn't matter in the least that her feet were dangling one meter in the air and his elbow still pressed into her throat. "I am Grunt. If you are worthy of your command, prove your strength and try to destroy me."
"You're a newborn and no match to me, so no, I won't try to destroy you. Why would you want to die?"
"Want?" He looked confused again, pondering on the meaning of that word. "Nothing in the tank ever asked what I want. Okeer's imprint has failed. Without a reason that's mine one fight is as good as any other, so I might as well start with you."
Jo cocked her head, looking straight into his shining blue eyes. They were nothing like Wrex' red. There was no power of personality in this baby just yet.
"Let me break it down for you. You were bred in a tank and whatever has been imprinted on you was only the means to make you functional for when you're born. Now you're born. Aware. You can speak and move and make your own decisions. Sure you could try and kill someone just because you can, but you're on my ship and I'm the original badass here. I promise you I can and will dismember you in seven seconds if you go against me."
"Pfft," he snorted in her face but she didn't let his dismissal disturb her.
"I'll take you down to the training area later and show you that you're no match for me and never will be, but I'm not finished yet. You know nothing about the world. You have no idea who I am, who my enemies are. Right now you're a nobody, and I only accept the best of the very best in my clan. If you prove yourself worthy, I'll take you in as my own. My enemies threaten the entire galaxy and fighting at my side will bring you power, experience and glory not only among the krogan, but among all species. If you decide that you want that, I'll train you until you can really fight."
"I can fight!"
"You can shoot, which is nice for a newborn baby. I can make you a real warrior."
"I'm not sure if you're really confident, Shepard, or just plain stupid."
"You could calm down, stick around, learn a little more about me and decide for yourself. Or you could try and find out right now and die like a miserable pyjak."
He moved back from her a little bit, like everyone always did when she turned full-scale Commander on them. He was impressed.
"All right, it sounds… acceptable. I'll fight for you."
"Glad you saw reason," she grinned and he looked down to find her pistol pressed against the joint in his armour. He cackled, really impressed:
"Ha! Offer one hand, but arm another – wise! If I find a clan, I'll be honoured to eventually pit them against you."
"You do that, baby," she put her pistol away. "Now, I have rules on my ship and you will be wise to follow them. There is no fighting between any crew members outside the training area. Inside the training ring we do not inflict permanent damage or incapacitate each other in any way. We are polite to each other and if we don't like some clan members, we stay to our own rooms and avoid them. My XO is a turian named Garrus Vakarian and you will do whatever he tells you to do like it came from me directly. He's really hard to miss, he's the only turian on board. We all eat together in the mess hall one level up and we all show manners when we do that. Each and every person on this ship pulls their own weight. You will have to help out whenever someone needs help to earn your food and bunk. But if you have any questions, you can come to me any time. If you need anything, like gear, weapons, supplies, information, entertainment – just ask. I always take care of my people. Now, our next stop is the Citadel, so…"
"Commander," EDI interrupted her. "The Illusive Man gave us the intel that another colony just went silent. It's on Horizon. He also wanted to let you know that Staff Commander Kaidan Alenko is on Horizon."
Jo's insides froze. Alenko? This smelled like setup from all this way in space. Why would the Collectors pick the one colony out there that housed one of her former crew? Alenko, to boot. She hadn't thought about it before, but something told her that when she died he made sure everyone suspected how 'special' he was to her. Well, that would be his own undoing if that was the reason why the Collectors were descending on his ass right now.
"Joker," she said into her comm. "Take us to Horizon."
"Aye aye. Approximate ETA four hours and twenty minutes."
"Good," she nodded and turned to Grunt. "You're not in on this mission yet, so make yourself comfortable. Walk around the ship, meet people. If you hurt anyone, I'll be very mad."
She went to talk to Mordin about protection against the seeker swarms and found Garrus right outside Grunt's room.
"Gear up and tell Zaeed to join us," she told him officially, then leaned closer and whispered with a cheeky grin: "I like that new baby of ours. You'll like him, too, I'm sure."
Garrus only shook his head in disbelief.
