People gathered around him before Shepard's shuttle even left the bay. The sensors showed a massive ship over the colony that transmitted a jamming signal. He'd never admit it, but Joker thanked Cerberus for spending so much money on a good communication system.
"Collector ship," Mordin said. Usually he rarely left his lab, but now even he was curious if his protective system would really work on the ground team's suits. "Still on the ground. Not done harvesting yet. Good sign."
Now Joker wished the salarian had stayed in his lab after all. Sudden heavy steps from the CIC shook the floor. Nobody had to guess who it was.
"Grunt," Kelly smiled at the 'baby' krogan, barely out of his tank. "Come and join us, we're watching Commander Shepard in action."
The navigators made room for the giant just in time before Shepard ran into the first hostiles.
"What are they?" Grunt asked.
"Collectors," Joker deflected. "Didn't Okeer make you from information and resources they gave him?"
"Doesn't mean I know what they look like. And what are those?"
"Those would be husks. Humans captured by the Collectors and turned into mindless, half-organic, half-synthetic killing machines."
"We thought they were a geth invention. This is probably Reaper technology," Garrus mused between the shots. "Which means that Saren, the Reapers, the geth and the Collectors are one and the same bunch."
That was when a voice sounded from a Collector who jerked and started glowing orange:
"Assuming direct control. Flee while you can, Shepard. We are the harbinger of your perfection."
"The shit! Was that?.." Joker's heart sank into the cargo bay. Shepard tossed her body behind some cover and took a shuddering breath.
"That's a Reaper voice talking," she answered him through clenched teeth. "Joker?"
His hands flew over his console.
"There are no Reaper signatures in this system, Shepard. They must be connected through the Collector ship."
"So we don't have a whole fucking Reaper sitting on our heads. That's comforting to know."
"What are Reapers?" Grunt wouldn't let go and Joker almost jumped up to kick his ass out of the cockpit, but the mission was more important. Jacob and Kelly started explaining and he tuned them all out. His eyes were on the screens. At least that orange glowing Reaper-voice Collector died like any other. Grunt was still there and made some satisfying noises when he saw Shepard slice and dice through dozens of Collectors. He obviously liked her style. Then, while EDI was busy recalibrating the targeting systems for the defence towers, they saw the team decimate wave after wave of Collector forces. Grunt was clearly impressed when Shepard abandoned cover and used her newly found Collector particle beam to cut apart some new kind of monster, which Mordin called Praetorian. It was a nasty bug thing that kept spewing more and more husks at them. Shepard took it down like she was invincible. The defence towers came online and chased the Collector ship away. In the coming silence the real surprise stepped from behind some crate. Joker wondered if he was hiding there all this time, waiting for the fight to end.
"Shepard," Alenko said, stepped closer and… hugged her.
His insides twisted in a knot.
Everyone on the ship was watching in awkward silence. But no matter what they thought they were seeing, Joker knew that this was not a lovers' reunion. He knew from her own words how she felt about Alenko, and that was still true, right? On her calendar it was only a month ago that she was telling him how she hated Alenko's cologne. He got his confirmation when she didn't hug the dark-haired biotic back, but put a hand on his chest to move him an arm's length away from her.
The conversation that followed cut Joker like a knife. It proved how different he and Alenko were and would always be. When he heard that she might be alive, he dropped everything and didn't even hesitate to join Cerberus. Alenko dropped her like a burning coal. Joker discarded all rumours to have a chance to work at her side again. Alenko assumed the worst and renounced her. Joker swallowed his own pride and pain because she needed his support. Alenko accused her of working for the enemy on kidnapping the colonies (seriously? was this guy for real?), then accused her of stupidity and blindness by implying she believed what Cerberus told her, and then to top things off he accused her of betraying the cause:
"You turned your back on everything we believed in! You betrayed the Alliance. You betrayed me."
Joker simply gaped at his screen. He must have misheard. The bastard couldn't possibly have said what he just said. No sane person could. But Shepard's reaction distracted him. She didn't try to convince Alenko of anything or even to defend herself. She must have realised it wasn't worth it and wouldn't work. She just folded her arms on her chest and shook her head with gentle disapproval. She had a face of an adult who was talking to an exasperatingly stubborn, narrow-minded, half-wit boy. What was the point trying to convince him?
When he hadn't triggered any defensive kind of reply from her, Alenko kept pushing it, said to her face that she wasn't thinking straight, accused her of loyalty of gratitude to Cerberus, among other things. He even riled up Garrus, but Shepard remained stoic. Joker could clearly see that she had nothing to say to this man. She was done with him for good.
"You've changed, but I still know where my loyalties lie," Alenko kept lashing out. "I'm an Alliance soldier. Always will be. I've got to report back to the Citadel. They can decide if they believe your story or not."
He walked. Garrus put his hand on Shepard's shoulder, but she was not heartbroken, like everyone was expecting her to be. Joker knew how she really felt about the Alliance. She had never told anyone else in as much detail as she told him what issues she had with them, how betrayed she felt by them, how she couldn't stand for all the things the organisation was covering up. By declaring himself a loyal Alliance soldier Alenko killed his very last chance to be with Shepard in any way. Even Joker found it unsettling that someone could serve as long as Alenko did and still see things in strictly black and white. Shepard wore armour that had a Cerberus logo on it (they never quite made it to the Citadel yet to pick up the new uniforms) and Alenko assumed that the symbol on her collar branded her to the bottom of her soul. With a ship full of Shepard's friends who joined her despite or because of a vague Cerberus connection, Alenko's reaction put him in a clear minority. He just didn't know the meaning of "complicated" or "dealing with a tough situation". She'd never have any use for him again and Joker was glad. Good riddance. He remembered how upset Alenko used to make Shepard during their hunt for Saren. She could definitely live without his backstabbing.
"Looks like someone forgot his medication this morning," she said quietly, as she watched the man go. Then she took the particle beam and pointed it at a house wall.
"What are you doing?!" Garrus couldn't imagine the meaning of her action, but Joker could clearly see that she was writing something with the beam.
"Leaving a souvenir," she sounded suspiciously like she was grinning. A minute later the smoking wall sprouted a huge writing: "Harbinger of your perfection". With dotted i-s.
When she was back on the ship and out of her armour, she messaged him to set course for the Citadel.
"I'm really sick of these Cerberus uniforms," she said. A while later, after she called the Asshole and almost tore him a new one for spreading rumours about her working for Cerberus and deliberately luring the Collectors to Horizon, he heard her arrive in the CIC and listened in when Kelly prodded her with questions.
"I saw that Kaidan Alenko was there," the redhead said. "How did that go?"
Shepard put on a very serious face:
"It was horrible. We used to be in love. Dreamed of leaving the Alliance together because of the regs, you know. And now… I'm really heartbroken, I didn't know what to say when he didn't believe me. Kaidan is the love of my life, I really don't know how to deal with this pain, and I'm so ashamed… How could he betray me like that? We used to be everything to each other. I don't know if he'll ever have me back now. It's really hard, Kelly. I don't wish you or anyone else to go through the same kind of pain, ever."
Joker pressed both hands against his mouth and nose half way through that speech to make sure he didn't snort or burst out laughing.
"I see," Kelly said with a little suspicion, but let the topic be. Shepard continued her way to the cockpit.
"Great acting skills, Shepard," he told her quietly.
"Don't know what you're talking about," she sniffled and rubbed her perfectly dry eye. "Can't you tell how heartbroken I am?"
"Oh, yeah, you're the most heartbroken person in the galaxy right now. Really shattered to pieces. That's the reason I don't date crew," he played along. Damn, she was wickedly good at this!
"So, is everything well up here?" She asked with a smile this time.
"Yeah, it was, until the Thing started questioning my every move. It won't let anything slide!"
"You were deliberately falsifying maintenance reports, Mr. Moreau," the Thing spoke up.
"Not falsifying, tweaking!" He shook his head. In this battle he was pretty sure which side Shepard would take. Still, he kept complaining just to get the satisfaction of her support against the rules. "I always round up on task times. Makes us look good when we come in under."
"Harmless self-promotion. EDI will ease off on that," Shepard declared like it wasn't a question or even an order. It was just understood. Joker knew he was being childish, but it felt so good to be in Shepard's good graces! Wait, when was he not in her good graces? He was the one to pull away from her, but he didn't want to think about that. He'd make a fool out of himself any day to make her smile and to get her approval and support. Did that make him her slobbering lapdog? Perhaps. But at least he really was loyal, unlike some backstabbing bastards who declared their love for the Commander first and then turned their back on her.
"Very well, Commander," the Thing said.
"Yeah, go pout. I win," he waggled his eyebrows and a real smile touched Shepard's lips and eyes. Mission accomplished.
"Joker."
"Right, right, no hard feelings, all good!"
He knew she was grinning as she walked back to the CIC. His chest pained. He'd missed this so much. Their easy, teasing banter, the way she got his jokes, the way she smiled at him, making his head spin. Two years of misery without her suddenly seemed like nothing. She was right here. With orange scars and a few issues, sure, but she was herself and she was real. There was nothing he wouldn't do to keep her happy.
Jo would be a liar if she said that hearing Alenko's accusations didn't hurt. It hurt a great deal. Not in a hellish kind of way, but in a very human, normal, real kind of way. Yes, she'd rejected his romantic advances back in the day, but that seemed to be the least of his problems. Jo went down to the mess hall, took her dinner plate and sat down to eat and think about Alenko's words. He said that she changed colours, joined Cerberus, let them blind her, believed what they told her, trusted them, and most importantly – betrayed the cause. Well, he also added that she betrayed him, but that wasn't what worried her. She couldn't say that he was wrong on all accounts. Yes, she was letting Cerberus manipulate her. She was on a Cerberus-made ship with half of her crew originating there, too. She took her intel from the Asshole and trusted that he wouldn't set her up. She knew that Cerberus was spying on all her moves even without the crew members reporting back. If she were really to remain true to the cause, she would have abandoned this ship, grabbed her friends and gone far, far away from anyone or anything connected to Cerberus. What she was doing now – using the Normandy, EDI, the last bit of Cerberus money, the dossiers – was the way of the least resistance. She could have walked away from all this, but then she would have had to start from scratch, and that would mean losing precious time. Excuses? Sure, it was only an excuse. But she'd made her choice because first and foremost she was loyal to the cause. Save the galaxy from the Reaper invasion.
So, why did Alenko accuse her of betraying the cause? Jo stabbed a piece of meat on her plate with a sudden silly realisation: his cause and her cause were two very, very different things. He fought in the name of the Alliance for… Hell, she never learned what he was fighting for. She fought in nobody's name but she tried to protect the whole galaxy. She and Alenko never saw eye to eye and never would. As far as she was concerned, it was a good thing.
"Shepard," Grunt sat down across her with his own plate of food. Heavy thoughts evaporated. Jo returned to the present and smiled at her baby:
"Grunt. How do you find my ship?"
"Lots of weak points in the structure, easy to infiltrate, hard to defend."
"What makes you say that?"
"Plans, pictures in my head from Okeer. Show what a really strong ship should be like."
"A dreadnaught, I gather?"
"Yeah!"
"But this isn't a dreadnaught. This is a reconnaissance ship, it has to be stealthy. How would you say she fares as such?"
"Don't know. I don't have much information on how a stealth ship should be designed."
"Might want to learn a little bit more about that before you discard her so dismissively. She might surprise you. And save your life. I suggest you spend the next few weeks speed-educating yourself. After all, if you're not learning new things all the time, how can you become truly great?" Jo fixed the young krogan with her curious glance. Garrus joined them at the table, but said nothing.
"Suppose you're right, Shepard," Grunt leaned onto the table, which almost bent. "What would you suggest?"
"I personally read books. Lots and lots of books."
"Like what?"
"What you desperately lack right now is context. To everything. How about history, for starters? Krogan history would be good to get you some initial background, then I'd strongly suggest the history of the Council Space, so that you know the frame I'm operating within. Also, have you already found out who I actually am and what ship you're on?"
"No."
"There's a good idea for research, I'd say. Take your time and ask me if you have any questions. And when you're done reading what the media has to say about me, I'll tell you the real story."
"Reading is boring. When are you going to get me some real action?"
"If you mean fighting on a mission with me – never, if you don't start educating yourself."
"I can fight!" He banged his fist on the table and everyone's plates jumped. Jo's glass toppled over. She looked down at the spreading liquid and felt everyone shrink away from her. Even Grunt sat back. Instead of blowing the gasket she got up and took a napkin from the kitchen.
"If you can't control your temper, baby, you can walk out of the airlock right now, in the middle of space. I need smart people, I need the best of the best, people who know tactics on the battlefield and can navigate the political, moral and emotional minefields when my work demands a peaceful action. Do you think you are able to grow into someone like that?"
He looked at her almost ashamed.
"Yes, probably."
"Good. Wipe up the mess you made," she tossed the napkin in his face. "Now."
"So, Shepard," Garrus spoke up. "Are you up for some hand-to-hand practice this evening?"
"Always."
"So am I!" Grunt declared. Jo silently pointed at the juice on the table and he recoiled under her demanding glance. Obediently, the gigantic krogan in a battle suit began methodically wiping the table.
Jo was fascinated. She released him from his tank maybe seven hours ago and he didn't really know what the words Commander Shepard meant. But he seemed to accept her as the alpha animal. She didn't have to be rude or violent with him. She was the superior one in matters of life experience and willpower and his instinct told him to obey her. He might call it "battlemaster", but Jo knew better. For all intents and purposes she was the mama bear and he was the cub. Why did she always find it so easy to connect with krogans? These dynamics made much more sense to her than some relationships with humans.
"All right, Grunt, I'll give you a chance to prove yourself," Jo said when the table was clean. Garrus looked pleased for some reason.
A little while later most of the crew was gathered in the newly arranged training area in the cargo bay. Jack sat high on a pile of crates, Jacob and Zaeed leaned against it, Garrus – to Jo's surprise – was talking to Joker. She'd never seen Joker personally appear at sparring, and she'd done more than enough of that on the first Normandy to know.
"You're wearing no armour," Grunt snorted dismissively.
"I don't need any," she took off her hoodie and remained in a grey tank top and black pants. She could do more than enough damage with her combat boots anyway.
"Don't blame me when I smear you all over the wall," the young krogan sneered. Garrus and Joker exchanged a very, very amused look.
"You're talking too much. Come and get me…" Jo began, but Grunt charged at her before she even finished. She waited for the last possible moment, then rolled to the side and let him charge past her – right into the wall. "…if you can."
He looked pissed when he was on his feet again. People were placing bets on how long he'd last. For a while he kept charging and charging at her while she never let him even touch her.
"This is not a good fight!" Grunt roared eventually. "You're not fighting!"
"Do you expect everyone in the galaxy to fight by bumping their heads, like krogan? Learn, adapt, change your tactics."
He did. First he charged at her, like before, but then changed his direction, anticipating her evasive move. Only she didn't evade. She grabbed his arm and used his momentum to toss him onto the ground. A second later she was standing with one foot on his butt, the other on his hump, twisting both his arms backwards to the point of cracking shoulder joints. He roared but found that he couldn't get up.
"You don't really fight," he roared when she released him. "You just dance around like a pyjak."
"Can you take a punch?" She asked with a grin.
"I'm a krogan. Of course I can take a punch."
"Take this." She stepped right into his personal space and used all her new, Cerberus-implanted muscle power for a right uppercut.
Afterwards the crew spent half an hour replaying the vids of that moment that Kasumi and Garrus made with their omnitools. Grunt lifted a couple of inches into the air and flew back in a beautiful arch, collapsed on the floor and skidded another meter. This first training session showed him exactly how sparsely he'd been prepared for fighting in the top league with people like Commander Shepard. It changed his attitude considerably. That same evening EDI told Jo that he was researching her, the Normandy, Okeer and great wars and conflicts on the extranet. Her baby was indeed smart.
As he was at it, the night shift took over the CIC and the day shift went to the dorm, Jo looked at another sleepless night ahead of her. All the things that happened in the last few days gave her a lot of strength to finally keep the hell in her head behind a thick wall. Garrus' support, Karin's kindness, Joker's all-over healing, Jack's passion, Kasumi's soft self-sufficiency, Grunt's naïve eagerness and Zaeed's acceptance gave her enough strength to put up that thick wall. She could now function almost all day long, not just twenty minutes at a time. She could even almost trust herself not to turn vengeful fury on a battlefield. As long as the wall was up, she could pretend to be a normal human being.
But in the night… That was when she realised again and again how much willpower it took her to keep that wall up. It wasn't so much screeching in her head anymore, but a constant loud hum that absolutely wouldn't let her sleep. In all this time, since her resurrection, she'd only had two hours of sleep. It was affecting her physical condition, of course, except Cerberus made sure that her body could withstand a lot more then before. She really had to be careful that it wouldn't affect her mental state as well.
As Joker suggested, she spent the night watching Star Wars. Vids weren't a perfect distraction. There were too many emotions in them. Tech books were a better choice, but even she got bored now and then. She really needed to relax, so she decided to give the crew and herself some shore leave on the Citadel when they arrived.
When they docked, there was a shipment waiting for them. Their new uniforms were ready. She left a skeleton crew and Kelly on the ship and let everyone else roam the station. Most of them disappeared on their own business for the day, but planned to get together at the Dark Star Lounge for drinks later. Even Grunt found some personal errand to run off on. Probably to buy a krogan Fornax issue, Jo supposed.
Jo spent several hours doing filework in her cabin, and when she was finished, she went to the cockpit to spend some time with Joker. However, he wasn't there. EDI told her that he joined the rest of the crew at the bar. Jo was a little surprised, honestly. Back in the day she'd have to give him an order and personally make sure he followed it if she wanted him to mingle. It had to have something to do with his newly strengthened bones and his ability to walk.
Jo remembered that there was one thing she hadn't tried yet to knock herself out and get some sleep: drinking. So she put on her most inconspicuous grey clothes and went down to the Citadel to join the crew.
Ken, Joker, Jacob, Zaeed and Garrus sat together, a round of drinks in front of them, laughing about some story Joker was telling. So, they were having fun just fine without her? Always nice to know, she thought sarcastically.
"Hey, Commander, would you join us?" Donnelly saw her first and waved to her.
"Don't mind if I do," she said. A chair was pulled up for her before she could blink.
"What's your poison today? Asari liquor? Wine? Maybe beer?" The Irish man said, waving a waitress over.
"No offense, but I need something a little stronger."
"How much stronger?" The waitress asked with friendly eagerness.
"Ryncol kind of stronger."
"Are you sure?" Jacob asked, worried a little.
"Bring a whole bottle," Jo said to the waitress, who didn't even flinch. A few moments later she had a bottle of the krogan brew and a glass in front of her. "Who wants to go drink for drink with me?"
"Is this even safe?" Joker frowned.
"Don't be all such wusses," she poured herself a first glass. They all watched her with gaping mouths as she tossed the glass back and only frowned slightly, as the acidic liquid went down her throat. They still gaped at her, when she poured another one without being affected.
"I'm guessing it's all the new implants, Shepard?" Jacob watched with awe as she downed another drink.
"Maybe," she shrugged. "Still no volunteers to drink me under the table?"
"I think I might regret it, but I'll do it, as long as it's whiskey for me, not that acid," Donnelly said.
"Pick whatever you want and join me," she shrugged.
For the rest of the night they just watched with horror how she emptied one ryncol bottle and ordered another, stronger than the first. Donnelly could hold a lot, and he went toe to toe with her for a long while, until everything became a kind of haze. Jo only remembered bits and pieces of what happened. She remembered ordering the third bottle, then vomiting in the men's bathroom where Garrus and Jacob had taken her (a drawback of drinking with boys – they hadn't even considered the ladies' bathroom), and then she was back on the Normandy in her own bed and Garrus was shaking her shoulders, as she screamed.
She screamed and screamed and couldn't stop. All she knew was a terror deeper than anything she could imagine. Mind-blowing, body-wrenching dread beyond comprehension.
Garrus shook her harder, he was saying something she couldn't hear, then Chakwas joined him at her other side, talking at her, but Jo couldn't stop screaming. However long she had slept, she'd fallen into a nightmare so terrible that she couldn't shake the fit of panic.
Suddenly she saw a flying turian fist that connected with her temple, her head flew to the side and she finally stopped screaming. Her ears rang, all voices sounded like in a barrel, and ryncol was still raging in her system, burning her insides, as she lifted her head and looked around.
Garrus and Chakwas were sitting on her both sides. She was in her bed, wearing a clean shirt and underwear, but nothing else. Kelly and Joker stood in the opened door, watching her with great concern.
"What the fuck happened?" She pushed through her sore throat.
"You had a nightmare," Garrus said.
"Start earlier. How did I get here?"
"You drank Donnelly under the table, then yourself," Garrus offered. "Then you left all your insides on the floor in a bathroom on the Citadel, so we decided it was enough for you. You resisted, by the way. We dragged you here, and Dr. Chakwas put you to bed, and you even fell asleep, but not five minutes later you started screaming so hard we heard you down in the CIC, so here we are."
Jo rubbed her face with both hands.
"Thanks for knocking me back to senses, I guess."
"My fists are always at your service."
"I'm sorry for my behaviour."
"It's all right."
"Wait a second. How exactly did you get in here?" She looked from Garrus to the rest of her visitors. "I put very specific and personal locks and codes on my door."
"I used my XO status to override them. Don't ask me to apologize, it was necessary."
She nodded:
"It was. Sorry, again. Now, everyone out before I go all Commander on you."
"Take it slow and easy, Shepard," Chakwas warned her, as they all slowly left.
Well, that was a disaster, Jo thought. If alcohol gave her nightmares of that magnitude, if they made her scream like that and shake with cold sweat even now, how was she supposed to sleep ever again? Also, she suspected that this little scene was about to become the ship-wide gossip thanks to Kelly. For each step forward – two steps back, or so the saying went. Well, this step back not only left her soaked in cold sweat, but probably ruined her unshakable reputation with the crew.
"Fantastic," she groaned and fell back onto her pillow. A thought crossed her mind that she'd probably won the first price on how much ryncol a human could drink in one night. "Just great."
