Not sure if people are still wanting to read this, but I saw Pitch Perfect 3 and they did SO MUCH QUEER BAITING that it made me want to write more here.
Trigger warning: mentions self harm/self harm tools. No actual self harm occurring though.
Once home from Aubrey's, Beca sent her two younger children to their rooms with the promise that if they showered and got dressed for bed now they could all watch a movie before they went to bed. Neither child questioned the offer and took off upstairs, leaving their big sister in the living room where she wisely stayed, knowing that she was not going to be left alone any time soon. With the younger children busy for the next half hour at least, Beca chose her moment to guide her oldest daughter down into the basement where they had built a recording studio for Beca. Beca flipped the light switch that signaled to whoever was upstairs that she was recording and they should not enter the space. She took a seat in her chair and pulled a stool over and gestured for her daughter to sit, which she did quickly.
"Listen baby, I am not gonna lie, I have absolutely no clue what to say right now except that I am so sorry that I didn't see that you were hurting."
"It's not like I wanted you guys to see, it's not your fault mom."
"It kind of is love. Mama and I are supposed to notice when things change in you guys and we just let work get in the way and I'm sorry for that. This album is not in any way more important than you kids are to me."
"I know you love us mom." Johanna looked away from her mother and Beca forced her to keep eye contact with her.
"Maybe so, but you need to hear it out loud right now. I love you so so much. And we are going to figure out how to help you ok, you don't have to handle this alone."
"Are you gonna tell mama?" Beca sighed and tucked a stray hair behind her daughter's ear.
"Baby, you know I have to tell her. I don't keep secrets from mama and I sure as hell am not starting today, not when it concerns our child's life."
"My life isn't in danger mom. I wasn't trying to do anything like that." Beca sighed again and held her daughter's hands in her own.
"Maybe you didn't have it in your mind, but this is dangerous love and it can end badly on accident and I…I would never forgive myself if I lost you to this." Beca held it together for Johanna's sake, but the teenager had tears streaming down her face as her mother spoke.
"I just…I just want…I don't know what I want, but this made me feel better and made it feel like I could control everything."
"Baby, I know how hard being a teenager is and I know how much stress you are under, but this, "Beca pointed at the bandages, "this is not the way to handle things."
"I don't know what else to do." Beca sighed deeply because she didn't know what to do either.
"Well, first thing is first, we are gonna call mama so when she gets to her hotel we can talk to her, then I'm gonna call those numbers Aunt Aubrey gave me." Johanna nodded her head as Beca picked up the landline they had installed in the studio and she dialed her wife's number and was met with her voicemail, no doubt because her phone was still off from her flight. Beca left a vague voicemail that didn't give details, but had all the urgency that the situation demanded. After hanging up she stood up from her chair and held out her hand for her daughter to take.
"Why don't you go change into PJs and help me order something for dinner, I do not feel like cooking." They both walked up to the second floor of the house and Johanna paused at her door, surprised to find her mother standing right behind her.
"You didn't really think you were going to get to go into your room alone right now did you?"
"Seriously? You're gonna watch me change because you think I'll cut in the three minutes it takes me to change?"
"I want to make sure your arms are the only ones and if they aren't I need to know. This isn't a punishment Johanna, it's what you do when your kid is in danger so please do not give me lip about this." The teen felt bad and let her mother enter her room before shutting the door. She quickly took off her long sleeved shirt and slipped out of her jeans. Beca saw a few clusters of scars on her thighs, but otherwise, the only cuts were the ones they had already bandaged. With Beca's blessing Johanna put on basketball shorts and a long sleeve shirt she slept in frequently.
"Can we stop looking at me half naked now and go pretend like I'm not crazy for a while?". Beca reached up and held her daughter's face, "you aren't crazy, you are hurting and need some help and that's ok. Before we go downstairs I'd like you to give me whatever it is you've been using."
Johanna looked nervous at that point. "Can't we do that part later?"
"And give you time to hide whatever it is? Not a chance kiddo. I'm dead serious about this Johanna, I am not risking anything else happening to you. I need you to trust me and give me whatever it is you've been using." Johanna sighed and reached under her bed and pulled out a shoe box. She took out the flats that the box held and then she pulled out a thin plastic sleeve and after looking at it briefly, she handed it to her mother. Beca took the plastic sleeve and almost dropped it at her feet. Somehow her 16 year old had managed to get a package of 100 razors that are designed to fit into scrapers. Beca's mouth went dry and she looked to her daughter in shock.
"Where did you get these? HOW did you get these?"
"Amazon." Beca's head was swimming as she took note of how many blades were missing.
"Where are the missing blades?"
"I threw them away after I used them. I didn't want to get them infected. I swear I'm not hiding them." Beca nodded, Johanna was a lot of things, but a good liar was not one of them.
"Ok, well, starting now your Amazon account is suspended and if you need to order something you'll come to me or mama, understood?"
"Yes ma'am." Beca softened her tone and wrapped her arms around her daughter. "Hey, remember what I said, I'm not mad at you, just very scared of what you are doing and I just want to help you stay safe ok?" Johanna nodded and pointed to the door. "Can we go watch the movie and order dinner now, I'm hungry."
"Sure, tell your brother it's his turn to pick the movie and you can pick what we eat." Johanna smiled and left the room with Beca following. She quickly put the package in her studio and locked it before joining her children in the living room. Johanna had just hung up the phone and told her mother the food would be there in 45 minutes. Beca told them to start the movie and as they did her phone rang and her wife's face lit up the screen. She pointed at Johanna which told the teenager more than enough as she left to go take the call upstairs.
"Hey love."
"Hey, I just got to the hotel and got to charge my phone. You sounded upset in your message. Has Aubrey been pushing for another Bella reunion again?" Beca hated to burst the joking banter she usually had with her wife, but they were always straight forward when it came to info about the kids.
"No, nothing like that. Actually, Aubrey kind of saved the day today with the kids." Luisa's tone changed.
"And why did the pit bull need to save the day? And who's kids? Ours?"
"Yes love, our kids…well just one actually."
"Beca, are the kids alright or do I need to book a return flight now?"
"The kids are all in the living room watching a movie, but you should tell your company you need to come home for a family emergency."
"What happened? You sound awfully calm for it being an emergency."
"I'm still in shock I think. Aubrey called me at the studio and told me needed to come home because Johanna had scars on her arms."
"Scars? From what?"
"From a razor, or several razors as it were." There was silence on the other end of the phone for a few seconds.
"Beca did she try to kill herself?"
"No, nothing like that, but she has been cutting herself pretty regularly. Aubrey found out, called me and Chloe and we have been dealing with it for the last two hours. I called you right when we got home." The line went quiet again.
"I'll get the next flight home and I'll text you the info ok? Is she ok right now?"
"She's watching a movie with Aubrey and Kristina. She's scared that we will be mad, but otherwise she is acting more herself than she has in weeks." Luisa sighed and Beca could hear her wife sniffle.
"Ok, tell her I love her and I'll be home soon. Kiss the little ones for me. Are you ok?"
"Absolutely not, but we have some pretty kick ass friends and they are being very helpful right now, so I'm not alone in this."
"I'll be home soon, I promise. I love you."
"Love you more." Beca hung up with her wife and made her way downstairs and watched the movie her son chose. She was surprised to see he picked Ever After which she knew he hated, but he knew his big sister loved it. He wasn't stupid and he knew something was wrong and this was the most he could offer his sibling in terms of comfort. After they ate and put the food away, they finished the movie and at the end of it all three kids were asleep. Beca sent a text to Chloe and Aubrey to fill them in on the situation and she was about to lock up downstairs for the night when she heard her phone buzz.
"Open the front door." Beca was confused, but went to her front door and there stood both her best friends. Aubrey stepped into the house before Beca could process what was happening. Beca held her finger to her lips and pointed to the sleeping kids. Beca locked the door and led her friends down to the studio where they could talk.
"I take it the German is on her way home." Aubrey stated the obvious and Beca nodded. "She'll be on the next light back to LA."
"How you holding up Becs?" Chloe rubbed her best friend's arm and Beca brushed away tears as she reached for the package of razors and handed them to her friends to see. No sooner had the package hit Chloe's hand than Beca had dissolved into tears and Aubrey was the closest person for her to collapse into as she cried. Chloe eyed the razors and held them up for Aubrey to see and they both had shocked and sad expressions on their faces.
Aubrey rubbed Beca's back, "It's gonna be ok Beca. She's going to get through this and so will you. We are all here to help and we will find her the best help there is, I promise."
"Aubrey, my oldest daughter ordered 100 razors from fucking Amazon and has been hurting herself. I mean, fuck, how many did she think she was gonna use? What if the cutting didn't help enough one day and she went too deep? What if my kid had died because I was too busy wrapped up in my job to see she needed my help?" Aubrey let Beca unravel because she knew no good would come from stopping her mid-rant. Eventually the anger faded and what was left was more fear and tears. Aubrey watched Beca lean against the studio door and slide down to the floor where she held her head in her hands. Aubrey joined her friend on the floor and Chloe sat on the other side.
"Beca, you cannot blame yourself. This is a really common problem. You love all your kids with a fierceness I have never seen in any other parent, including myself. You have to forgive yourself. You know now, Johanna is very much alive and we can help her now. It's not just you and the German in this fight ok, we are right here with you, literally and figuratively."
"She's my first baby Aubrey. I mean shit, I love all my kids, but she was the first baby for all of us and I…I can't lose her to this." Aubrey let Beca dissolve into tears again and Chloe rubbed her friend's shoulder as she cried.
"You are not going to lose her Beca. Chloe and I would never ever let that happen ok." Beca picked up her head and brushed away tears.
"You guys should be home with your families, not trying to rescue mine."
"Hey, we are with our family and what good it the nick name of "pit bull" if I can't protect my loved ones? Chloe and I are right where we need to be. Our kids are fine and their dads can handle them for one night. You can act strong and tough all you want, but down here, with us you can scream, or cry or whatever and we will figure out a way to help Jojo."
"Beca, I would never let anything happen to my goddaughter, you know that, so whatever you need, whatever she needs from me, it's yours ok?". Beca sniffled and nodded her head.
"I love you guys, like a lot, you know that right?"
"Yeah Beca, we know. Now let's go upstairs and get the kids tucked into bed and we will open a bottle of wine and wait for the German to get on a plane." Beca nodded and after calming down she walked back upstairs and saw that all the kids were still asleep. She half woke up Aubrey and Kristina and sent them to their rooms and Aubrey gently woke Johanna up.
"Hey monkey, why don't you go up to your room and sleep."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry, just don't give up." Aubrey kissed her head and sent the teenager upstairs to follow her siblings and go to bed. The three mothers sat at the dining room table and Chloe opened a bottle of wine and poured generously for all of them. For the next few hours, sometimes they spoke about how to handle the situation, sometimes they took turns crying, but they stayed at that table until Beca got a text with her wife's new flight number on it.
Beca looked at the empty glass in her hand and sighed, "you know, all her life I worried about someone hurting her by breaking her heart or bullying her for having two moms or shit like that. Never occurred to me to worry about her hurting herself."
"Beca no one could have predicted this and Aubrey is right, you are not alone in this. We will all figure this out, together."
Beca nodded and smiled a tearful smile, "together."
