On the morning after the shore leave EDI received a message from the Illusive Man about a Collector ship intercepted and damaged by a turian patrol. That was when Joker realised Shepard was not on the Normandy. Her omnitool was, and so was her earpiece, her armour, most of her guns and other items. But she wasn't. After some quizzing, coaxing and threatening, EDI finally confessed that Shepard had rented a room in a hotel on the wards under a false name and spent the night there.
Joker was man enough to admit that he panicked. Who the hell was she meeting there? Why now? Why the secrecy? The only explanation was that she wanted to fuck someone to get over him and didn't want him to know about it.
He was about to get really panicked, when she finally showed up, tired and in crinkled clothes from last night. When he saw her, hot fury flared up in him. He wanted to grab her, wrap his hands around her throat and demand explanation. But he had no right to demand anything from her. She'd offered him that right and he refused, rejecting her. Now he was nobody to her and Shepard didn't offer any explanations about her whereabouts voluntarily. With clenched teeth he put himself to work, bile filling his mouth, and a killer headache coming on.
The mission was all going to hell. Collectors were Protheans. They conducted weird experiments on themselves as well as on humans, leaving piles of bodies as waste. The whole ship smelled like one big trap and Jo had no doubt that something bad was about to happen.
It did, and she had to lead her team to the exit under heavy fire. She could die at any moment again by the same enemy's hand that had already killed her once, she could lose another Normandy to that enemy any second now. Still, she was hardly scared, instead she was rather focused. Fighting her way out? She could do this easily, this was what she'd been trained for. She just hadn't gotten a chance to fight last time around. As she, Grunt and Tali ran to the escape shuttle, she heard Joker's panicked voice in her ear and it gave her wings.
The shuttle got swallowed by the open cargo bay door and the Normandy was already on the move. Jump, initiate the FTL jump, she kept pleading with Joker in her mind, as she climbed out of the shuttle and ran to the elevator. She never told Joker how to do his job and he never disappointed. That was their unspoken agreement from day one. This was why a cold stone of dread started pressing Jo's heart as she listened to what was happening in the cockpit. Seconds kept ticking after his direct order to EDI to take them out of the danger zone, but the AI engaged in politeness and technicalities about specifying a destination.
What the fuck were those two doing up there? Were they not seeing the fucking Collector ship shooting at them? Joker clearly had time to evade the beams, but couldn't give EDI a random destination to work with? And EDI – playing coy when they were all about to get incinerated?!
What the fuck?
When the FTL finally engaged, Jo stopped counting in her mind. 11,6 seconds. Inconceivable. She was fuming when she stepped into the CIC. Garrus and the navigators all looked a little scared after the ordeal, but she ignored them, heading straight for the cockpit.
They were out of the immediate danger zone as Joker turned to see Shepard with a grin on his face, adrenalin rushing through him. She stomped towards him and took off her helmet, her face hardening with what he recognised as cold fury.
"Anywhere that's not here?" She snapped at him and her energy hit him like a tank. "In the most important moment of your life your reply is 'anywhere that's not here'?"
"Uhm," he leaned away from her in his seat. He hadn't expected to be faced with fury. Praise for a job well done? Congratulations? Gratitude? Sentiments? Yes. Not fury. "Sorry, Commander, I think I… blanked out..."
"No, you didn't. You were trying to be funny. Next time – don't be funny. And EDI," she turned to the console and the blue orb appeared. "Are you capable of initiating an FTL jump by yourself?"
"Yes, Commander, but my programming prevents me from taking control of the ship."
"What kind of programming stops you from saving the ship and every crew member when we're a blink away from annihilation?"
"I still need an authorisation from a commanding officer."
"Okay, EDI, now you're just playing stupid. Let me break that conversation down for you. He said: Get us the hell outta here. What other kind of authorisation do you need?"
"A specification of destination."
"Are you fucking telling me that the most advanced enhanced defence intelligence in the galaxy that is capable of imitating human emotions and tries to develop a fucking sense of humour doesn't understand the importance of the command 'get us the hell outta here'?!" Shepard yelled at the orb, which flickered silently.
Joker could see Shepard's balled fists and was glad that there was nothing in her direct vicinity that she could crush. He, personally, was… trembling. Fucking scared for his life. She continued a little quieter, but the intensity remained:
"Between the two of you, you lost eleven point six seconds on meaningless conversation, trying to be funny and pretending to be a VI instead of an AI. That is not acceptable. That conversation should have taken two seconds, the longest. That is up to ten seconds that the Collectors had to fucking kill us all!" She yelled again, now addressing Joker as well. Then, calmer and quieter, she fixed an evil glare on him: "I am very disappointed with those 11.6 seconds of your and EDI's performance. I keep you here because I know for a fact that you don't panic in situations like that. You're here because you're better than 11.6 seconds, and because you know when to be funny and when to be serious. Prove it."
"Yes, Commander," he spoke quickly and quietly.
"EDI. Is your primary objective not to keep the ship and the crew safe?"
"It is, Commander."
"Are you capable of making a decision regarding a random destination that would take the ship out of danger zone?"
"Yes, Commander."
"How long would that take?"
"One millionth of a second."
"He gave you a direct order to make that decision and execute the jump. Yet you spent ten more seconds playing a damsel, bringing me, the ship, the crew and yourself in danger. Do you realise that if we die, there won't be anyone fighting the Reapers and the rest of the galaxy will be destroyed? In those ten seconds you could have caused the death of the whole galaxy, EDI. Do you understand why I'm really pissed right now?"
"Yes, Commander. I will improve my efficiency."
"Yes you will, otherwise I have no use for you. Or you, Joker."
Joker felt numb under her glance. From the day he and the Commander had met, it seemed that he could do no wrong. She let everything slide, even outrageous things nobody else would tolerate. Insubordination, inappropriate materials at his work station, inappropriate commentary – none of that had tickled her. And suddenly she was yelling at him for being too slow?
He couldn't help but wonder if she was taking her anger and frustration out on him. After all, he had hurt her quite badly. Underneath all that goddess divine demeanour she was still just a human woman, wasn't she? Was this the proverbial scorned woman's fury in front of him?
But really, what was he supposed to do? He couldn't and wouldn't beg for forgiveness just because she was his CO. They weren't lovers and if she couldn't stay professional, all he could suggest was for her to take her PMS medication.
Very inappropriately, he remembered that she hadn't slept at home last night. A hotel room on the Citadel? What else could it have been, if not a one night stand? Just as inappropriately, he felt the blazing rage return. He wouldn't beg for forgiveness when she'd spent the night with who knows whom.
He vowed to watch his own conduct in the near future, to make sure not to get caught with porn. If she was hurt enough, she could very well throw him off the ship.
Actually, wouldn't that solve all their problems? She would find someone who did better in a stressful situation, he wouldn't have to endure her bitchiness, his family would finally sleep well without fearing for his life.
Bitterness, the all too familiar bile-tasting bitterness filled him. Just like during all those days and nights on Mars, when he mourned her loss and couldn't forget. Oh, how he wanted to get up from his chair, grab her collar, toss her against the wall and yell in her face to leave him the fuck alone. He refrained from it. Some nagging feeling that he tried to ignore told him that 11,6 seconds were… truly not his best result.
"That being said," Shepard took a breath and let a smile crack her icy mask. "You two did save us from the Collectors. EDI, good job on defending our systems from their attack. Joker, great idea to compare the ship's profile to our attackers from two years ago. I trust your instincts like my own and you always prove me right. If not for those eleven seconds, I'd say it was perfect team work. Stay on it, kids. I believe you two can make a fabulous team if you trust each other. Thanks for saving us, I'm proud of you both."
She flashed them a radiant smile and walked away.
What the hell just happened? How did she go from PMSing to praising him in half a second? Holy Lord in heavens, why did women always have to be so confusing?! He couldn't even be mad at her now, could he?
Jo had no secrets from her crew except her personal ones. She briefed everyone on her findings on the Collector ship, about the Collectors themselves and about the Asshole's betrayal. After the debrief she contacted the man and let him know in no uncertain terms how she felt about his actions.
"You may not like to be on the receiving end," he said to her smugly. "But the facts are with me. As much as we try to avoid them, these decisions need to be made."
"And you're all too eager to make them, aren't you?"
"It paid off."
"Facts are that you realised I'm not going to let you manipulate me, so you sent me, the best chance this galaxy has to survive, into a trap, thinking that if I survived, I'd have no choice after the fact but to accept your twisted logic, and if I didn't survive, you'd be rid of a liability. Facts are that you don't look out for anyone's interest but your own. Facts are that your information is no longer good for me and I have no reason to be in contact with you anymore. Facts are that you're the most inhuman being I could have ever imagined. Facts are that I clearly see the synthetic glow in your eyes and keep wondering if you're not personally working for the Collectors. Or even the Reapers. Facts are that you're a dead man either way."
He ignored her threat and accusations, telling her about the IFF system the Collectors and the Reapers used to get past the Omega 4 relay. Jo decided that if she was going to get the device, it would be the last thing she did. Just to annoy him, she would do every single little mission on her list before she used another questionable bit of his intel. Colonists be damned.
Jo made sure to give Miranda a copy of the surveillance, so that she could clearly see how valuable she, Jo, the Normandy and the rest of them were to her sugar daddy. Miranda remained silent.
Later, when Jo was training on d'oles with Garrus again (he said she was uncannily good at it, too), her favourite turian said quietly to her:
"Strange things are happening, Jo."
She looked around. Jacob was the only one with them in the cargo bay, using the gym with his shirt off. He must feel useless, she knew it. She never took him on missions and mostly left him guard the ship when the rest of the crew got shore leave. But she wouldn't let him guard Miranda's room. His only job was to polish her armour and weapons. She'd never had such a useless team member in all her military career. Jacob was out of earshot, however, and Jo turned to Garrus:
"What things?"
"We leave Omega and then ten minutes later you change your mind and we go back for shore leave. Half of the time Joker isn't sleeping at night. I believe it's affecting his abilities, too. He's snippy even for his own standards. You're spending a whole night somewhere on the Citadel without letting anyone know. And today you're yelling at him for poor performance. Your mood's affecting the crew, too. I already had to deal with four fights and more are sure to come. Our com system's been hacked from inside and I still haven't found the source, nor did Tali. Someone is listening in on someone and I don't like it. Is there something I need to know?"
Jo let him disarm her and toss her to the ground. She also let him straddle her and press his d'oles in a cross against her throat. It brought him close to her and she could speak very quietly:
"I'm aware of all these things, Garrus. I'd gladly tell you if there was even one little thing you could do."
"Just tell me if I should be worried. Personally or professionally."
"Personally – no. Professionally – I really appreciate you dealing with fights among the crew. And please, leave the hacked com system to me."
"Is there another contact between Cerberus and someone on the ship?"
"No."
Garrus removed his weapons from her throat because Jacob was eyeing them with suspicion.
"You know who did it," he said to Jo with a little notion of mistrust.
"I have it under control," she said, pleading him with her eyes to understand that she couldn't be honest with him, not with EDI's cameras everywhere and her reports to the Asshole. She couldn't tell him that it was she who had hacked the com system to listen to Joker's voice for even a slightest chance to fall asleep. "Please, trust me, it's nothing to be concerned about."
The single most wonderful thing about Garrus was that despite being another species, he still knew very well when to take a hint.
Joker was loitering. He decided to ask Dr. Chakwas' opinion on the whole Bonaparte/Alexander/haircut thing, but he didn't want to go to her in the med bay. He wanted to ask this as casually as possible. And he wanted no witnesses. So he loitered in the mess hall after dinner, when he actually ended his shift when he was supposed to. The doctor was having a long conversation with Samara after everyone else already left, and the two women were driving Joker insane. How long could people talk about nothing in particular? When Samara finally left to meditate, Joker was completely and entirely too nervous to ask any questions. That was when Kelly Chambers showed up, took a look at them, made a u-turn and fled the mess hall again. Shepard's old friends made her extremely uncomfortable. Joker realised that compared to that woman he really had no problems in his life.
"Say, Doc," he began.
"Yes, Jeff?" Chakwas opened her omnitool to read something.
"Someone said something to me the other day, but I'm not sure what to make of it."
"Yes?"
"That… Napoleon was short, Caesar was left-handed, Alexander had some sort of haircut, and I have brittle bones."
Chakwas looked up at him with sudden attention.
"Who told you that?" She basically demanded.
"Uhm. The Commander." His heart was beating where his Adam's apple was.
"Ah," Chakwas relaxed into a smile and went back to reading her omnitool. "I thought it would have been her."
"Why?" This time he jumped in surprise.
"Oh, she told me something like that once. About Alexander the Great."
"Alexander?" Joker's heart beating in his throat really made his voice squeaky.
"Yes. Back on the first Normandy, I think. We were having a conversation once and she said she read in some history book that back in the day when archaeology really boomed and people were digging up all those ruins around the Mediterranean Sea, if they found a bust of a man and couldn't find any inscription, they could tell by the bangs on his forehead that it was Alexander the Great. You wouldn't believe the books she's reading."
"At this point I would believe just about anything about her," he muttered. "So what does it mean?"
"I don't know what she meant, you didn't give me the context of your conversation."
Joker thought that she only pretended to read, while she secretly enjoyed watching him squirm.
"Oh, she was just telling me how awesome I am."
"Well, there you go. That's what she meant."
"Yeah, but Doc, my brittle bones and some guy's haircut? And Napoleon being short isn't exactly a compliment. And Caesar being left-handed really has nothing to do with nothing."
Dr. Chakwas deactivated her omnitool and leaned onto the table to look him directly in the eye:
"None of those things are meant to be compliments, Jeff. You really should ask the Commander what she meant, but if I had to make a wild guess, I'd say that when she mentioned Napoleon, she wanted to show you that great people come in all shapes and sizes. You don't have to be a Hercules – whom she apparently didn't mention, note that! – to achieve truly magnificent things. The shortness isn't the compliment, Napoleon is the compliment. He was a man who made sure his name went down in history, that even centuries after his death we still know his achievements, we took it with us to the stars, to a whole new world." She gestured at the ship in general, pointing out where they were: in space.
"He may not have liked being short," she continued. "But he didn't let it stop him from becoming a legend. Which is to say, true greatness isn't measured by a body's limitations. At the same time it puts a person to the name. It's what makes him human to us, who only know the legend of Napoleon. Knowing he was short helps us see him as one of us, with his flaws, quirks, see him as a human being. It's what we can relate to, what gives us proof that he wasn't some idol, he was a real man."
Could this be what Shepard had meant to say to him that day? It was too hard to believe.
"When she mentioned Caesar and his left-handedness, she probably meant to say that a man was born with his body working in a certain way, different from most other people, but just the same, it didn't stop him from becoming truly great. She probably meant to say that your brittle bones influence your greatness as much as Caesar's left-handedness influenced his. Namely not at all."
He swallowed hard.
"But once again, it's something personal we know about him, something we can relate to. About Alexander, though… His haircut is what makes him Alexander to us. He lived so long ago, there are no pictures of him, no portraits, even. We have to rely on iconography to even identify a bust as his image. But we know this one little detail about him and we can find a face to put to the legend."
Now he was really confused, and the Doctor saw that. She smiled cheekily:
"Imagine we defeated the Reapers. Imagine ten thousand years in the future. This war is a greater legend than the Trojan War on Earth, because the whole galaxy was threatened. But all our faces faded away, our personalities got lost, only perhaps an occasional memorial still stands. And then the archaeologists find a grave that says: Here lies the heroic pilot Jeff Joker Moreau. How will they know if it's a fake or not? They'll test the bones, see the Vrolik's. It'll seal the deal for the future generations. That's how they'll know it's you."
Joker couldn't even blink. In fact, he wasn't even breathing. Could she be right? Was that what Shepard wanted to tell him?
Chakwas leaned back in her chair, assuming nonchalance once again.
"I don't know what the two of you've been talking about when she said that to you, but I must say I'm impressed. She put you in the same line as the greatest men in human history. She must think very highly of you. Exceptionally highly."
"Is that so surprising?" He blurted out the first thing that came to his mind.
"No. She never hid her appreciation for your skills, Jeff. But why didn't you ask her personally what she meant?"
"Dunno," he shrugged, blushing a furious red. "What do you think they'll say about Shepard ten thousand years from now? You know, her own little quirk? That she was the last real blond?"
"Hm," Chakwas accepted the challenge. "Helen of Troy was blond. Did you know that?"
"No."
"But you did know that she was the most beautiful woman of her time?"
"Yeah, a face that launched a thousand ships and all that."
"Her hair colour didn't make it across time. I'm afraid that Shepard's colouring won't, either. Maybe that she was an orphan?"
"That could hold," Joker nodded. "Marks her as a bit different from other people, but approachable, human, real. One word that gives a whole story."
"The Original Badass."
They both jumped in their seats. Shepard stood near the kitchen counter – she could sneak around really quietly if she wanted to!
"If they're saying something about me ten thousand years from now, I want them to say that I was the Original Badass. That there was no one more badass than me in the whole galaxy."
"I don't think you can really choose what they remember, Shepard," Chakwas smiled.
"But I can do everything in my power to make everyone remember what a badass I am, right?"
"Yes, keep trying, maybe one day they'll forget that you're nothing more than a little blond girl," Chakwas teased.
"I've been cursed by the gods," Shepard heaved with an exaggerated sigh.
Both Grunt and Mordin had approached Shepard on the same day to ask her for help. Both their requests directed the ship to Tuchanka and Joker noticed a little wistful longing in the Commander's voice when she gave the order to set the course. He wondered what that was about. Perhaps she hoped to find Wrex there. The last news about the gigantic krogan had been his location on his homeworld, but nothing more.
With nothing to do for a while after the course was plotted, Joker logged into the security system to catch up on interesting conversations.
He found one from last night. Shepard and Garrus had been sparring again and the end of the session caught his attention. The com system was hacked, Tali of all people couldn't find the culprit, Shepard knew about it and asked her best friend to leave it alone without explanations? This screamed danger. Or rather that screamed secrets and he could never resist a secret.
"EDI, are you aware of a leak in our com system?" He demanded.
"I am aware of all ship's communications."
"Do you know who hacked our coms?"
"I've been ordered not to reveal the person's identity."
Joker paused to think. EDI was telling him something without telling him anything at all. All he had to do was decipher her riddle. If she'd been ordered and obeyed that order even against his questioning – the third-highest ranking officer on the ship – while Garrus knew nothing about it, then it must have been Shepard who gave that order. Why would the Commander do that? Was she protecting someone? He dismissed the idea. If someone was contacting Cerberus, all hell would be loose on the ship once again. If Miranda was trying something, or Jacob, Shepard wouldn't protect them. Jack already had access to everything she wanted, and Kasumi… Well, perhaps Kasumi.
Then it hit him. Shepard wasn't protecting anyone. She would have told Garrus, if it was Kasumi. The culprit was the Commander herself.
He contacted Tali and asked for what she had on the hacking. The quarian sent him her findings and Joker set to work. Knowing what he knew – and nobody else on the ship did – he had a sickening suspicion.
It took him about thirty minutes to find the trail that connected his own earpiece to Shepard's omnitool. Nobody would have found it if they didn't know where to look.
He leaned back in his chair, breathing heavily. His heart was thumping like a gong.
She was spying on him. Was she the kind of a woman who stalked the man she claimed to love?
He checked statistics. The trail existed for a long time now, was mostly activated in the evenings, three-four times a week, for several hours each time. The log showed that the Commander was alone in her cabin at those times with orders not to disturb her. Everyone on the ship assumed she just took some time to relax, what with her insomnia and all.
Joker didn't know what to make of this. Sure, he was spying on everyone, hacking everything and digging up everyone's secrets. He didn't know if he felt comfortable being on the receiving end of such tactic. But seriously, why his earpiece? She couldn't really find out anything interesting about him this way. All she got was his late night conversation a.k.a. bickering with EDI. Mostly about systems, personal space and regulations. What was she getting out of this?
He didn't want to know. He was also never going to mention this to her. It took him only minutes to kill the connection. If she wanted to stalk him, he wouldn't make it easier for her. He would proudly remain the only certified stalker on this ship.
"EDI, thanks for telling me," he said. He had no doubt that EDI intentionally gave him just enough information to put the pieces together. Maybe she wasn't so bad after all. At least in this case she proved to be on his side, not Shepard's.
"Commander, Mr. Moreau has found your connection to his earpiece and deactivated it," EDI pronounced in the speakers. Jo was sipping some tea and froze at the information. She swallowed slowly and raised her head:
"How did he find out?"
"He listened to your conversation with Mr. Vakarian from last night, asked Tali'Zorah for her findings and worked it out."
"And you're sure you didn't tell him or otherwise help him?"
"I told him I was under orders not to disclose the information."
"Of course, that was all he needed to put two and two together."
"Mr. Moreau's IQ is indeed higher than that of ninety seven percent of other humans."
Jo blinked. It was the perfect moment to use her own IQ. The damn AI liked Joker, for fuck's sake! Or in human terms: EDI was interested in him. Jo had to admit, she hadn't seen this coming. If even the AI was siding with Joker now, Jo had no allies in the matter.
EDI potentially had the power to do a lot of damage to Jo's cause, if she put her processing power to it. Would Jo actually have to fight an AI over a man? Well, there was still one thing she had that EDI didn't. An actual body.
