Next morning Jo took Garrus and Tali to investigate something the Asshole had called "Project Overlord" in his message. It sounded sinister and just like Cerberus.

That afternoon, for the first time in the last eighteen years, Jo ducked behind a flashing console and threw up. There was nothing in her stomach, but the bile rose quickly. She'd been through torture, pain, she'd walked battlefields knee-deep in someone's entrails, she'd seen it all – or so she'd thought.

One look at David Archer, strapped like organic goo inside a machine, his eyes pried open, spikes through his nerve bundles, pipes everywhere, tears running down his helpless face and the machine voice repeating his desperate plea to make it stop – one look at him sent her spewing her guts.

When Garrus and Tali caught up with her in the chamber, she didn't let them ponder the situation, or they would freeze, like she had. She sent Tali to find a blanket or something else to cover the poor man up, and asked Garrus to securely tie Dr. Gavin Archer to the nearest pipe.

"It's over," she whispered, as she shut down the consoles and machines around poor David. He was watching her with tears, too wrung out to even be relieved. Then, before freeing him from the cruel contraption, Jo took off her own armour and guns. After the treatment the man had received from his own brother, he needed normal human touch, not more metal and hard edges. She was shedding silent tears as she carefully removed the tubes and spikes, crooning all the time, until the naked, abused man crumpled against her. He closed his eyes, whispering over and over about the square root of various numbers, as Jo held him against her like a child and whispered calming words. Tali handed her a blanket and a robe she'd found in the nearest med lab. Jo couldn't see the girl's facial expression, of course, but the way Tali retreated to Garrus' side with shaky hands and let him hug her told Jo that both her friends were equally shaken by what they were seeing.

Jo didn't take David to the med labs on the station. She was sure he'd spent too much time there already. She carried him to her shuttle, put some clothes on him, a blanket around his shoulders, a drink and a snack in his hands, and sat with him for hours, deep into the night, until an Alliance shuttle arrived and took him away to Grissom Academy.

Then she and her team returned to the spot where they'd chained Dr. Archer down. He looked resigned to his fate, whatever it might be, but for the first time in her role as judge and executioner Jo didn't know what to do with the man. Death would be too merciful for him. Life was too good. If to err was human and to forgive was divine, she didn't know how to be or do either.

In the end she did nothing. He remained tied to the pipe when she and her team left the planet.

Back on the Normandy she was greeted with sombre faces. After she'd banned them from Joker's consoles people were still watching her mission feed on the screens in the CIC and they knew what happened. Without speaking to anyone Jo went to the debriefing room, sat down and put her forehead in her hand. She sat there for a long time, trying to comprehend. Failing. She'd seen and done so many things in her life, but nothing had ever burdened her like the treatment of David Archer. At least she could say that she was killing, mauling and torturing armed people, or people who knew the risks of their occupation. Subjecting a helpless innocent who needed special care and a world of love to things David had to go through went against everything that was sacred in this galaxy.

As the crew had no new orders from her, the ship still hung in the planet's orbit. Garrus took the time to mine for resources. Eventually Jo went to Miranda's room. She tossed the woman out of her bed, only then realising that it was early morning hours and people were supposed to be sleeping. She gave the bitch a datapad with the mission vid and left her to it. Until now she had only received those data pads back and a scowl from the woman, but that night, after watching the contents, Miranda asked to have a word with her.

"I didn't want to believe you," she said a lot calmer than usual. "I thought that people were just misinterpreting the Illusive Man's orders and all those things happened without his knowledge, unfortunate incidents. I believe it doesn't reflect well on me if I keep fooling myself. He knows, he'd always known. And he encourages it. It's not an isolated incident, it's the established MO. I do not think I can stand behind him any longer. I know you don't trust me, you gave me a detailed explanation why you don't, and I accept that. But I just want you to know, I don't believe in Cerberus anymore."

"Good for you," Jo said without any sarcasm. She was genuinely glad to hear one of the hardcore operatives was finally seeing the light of day. Too bad it took the case of David Archer to change her mind.

"I know it would be a stretch to ask you to let me out, so I won't. But can I ask you for just one favour?" Miranda said and Jo saw how hard those words must have been for her.

"Depends on the favour."

"I have a sister. She knows nothing about me. When I left my father, he wanted to make her everything I was supposed to be, so I rescued her and put her with a good family. I check on her regularly, and I couldn't do that since I've been in this room. I swear to you on her life that I won't contact Cerberus. I just want to check if my sister is all right."

"What do you need?"

"Just extranet access for eight minutes."

Jo granted her that much, even if under her personal supervision, as she let her use Kelly's console. That was why she could personally see how pale Miranda had turned when she opened her contacts.

"It can't be. I made sure my father won't find her. But…"

"She okay?"

"No, really not. She's in danger. Shepard, I find myself in a very embarrassing position of asking for your help. I don't like it more than you do, but my sister is in danger and I need to make sure she's okay. Please."

Jo gave her a long look, as they stood shoulder to shoulder in the CIC. She found that she wasn't quite so angry with this woman anymore, and the wish to murder her in the most horrible way had long gone. Her problem with her had been that the cold-hearted bitch didn't care about anyone. Well, apparently that wasn't true. She cared about her sister strong enough to plead for Jo's help.

"Of course. Where do we need to go?"

"Illium."

They were soon on their way to Illium and Jo wanted to finally face Liara and give her the intel on the Shadow Broker, after they secured Miranda's sister. She stood behind Joker's seat as he navigated the course, when the com line opened.

"Commander, there is Admiral Hackett on the line for you," he said.

Jo nodded and folded her arms on her chest. Hackett would never leave her alone, he'd always need her for one thing or another.

"I'll take it right here, thank you. Hackett," she said to the screen.

"Shepard, I don't know if you're aware of it, but the extranet is buzzing with a new sensation. On every data server there are pictures of Commander Shepard's derriere to find. Care to explain?"

"That would make your day, wouldn't it? Having me explain myself to you? I was not aware it's such a sensation already, but I fully expected something like that." She spoke calmly and watched pictures flicker on Joker's screen. Pictures of her leaning on the bar in Dark Star, showing the whole world her butt. "Those are good pictures, a very good angle."

"Were you not aware that half the bar was filming you with their omnitools?"

"My awareness isn't in question here. I simply did not care."

"You're putting a bad light on Alliance officers, do I really need to tell you that?"

"Do I really need to remind you that I'm not Alliance, Hackett? As a Spectre and freelance saviour of the galaxy I don't play by Alliance rules. And do not try to tell me that your recruitment figures did not just go up by a quarter."

"Thirteen percent," he grunted, obviously very unhappy to admit that.

"See, ten minutes in a bar for me – and over average recruitment standard for you. You're welcome."

"Watch yourself, Shepard. This is how you're damaging your own integrity and credibility." The line went dead. Joker was sitting stiff and pale in his chair in front of her, pictures and vids of her ten minutes in the bar still running over his screen. She said nothing. He was the one to break the silence:

"Would you let them take naked pictures of you if it helped the cause?"

"No," she said definitely. "This looks unintentional," she continued and added to herself that it was anything but unintentional. "Nude pictures would mean I'm trying too hard. This is like people sneaked a peek at something they were not supposed to see. That half-promise is what raises recruitment figures, not a featured appearance in Fornax."

"So you don't mind half the male soldiers in the military now jerking off over a picture of you?"

"I mind," she said. "I mind more than you know. But that," she pointed at the screen. "That was for only one man's benefit." And she left him in the cockpit at that statement.


Since that day Joker found himself scrutinising her more often than not. Her little stunt in the bar that ended up all over the extranet touched something inside him. Dear lord, he really didn't want to look at that something, and especially name it. Instead he tried his best to occupy himself with work.

They went to Illium, Shepard bought new fish, rescued Miranda's sister and gave Liara the intel. That story quickly got out of hand. Attuned to her every mood, he could feel her sudden tension when she met another Spectre, an asari named Tela Vasir.

"What's up, Commander?" He asked her quietly, while she walked around Liara's apartment.

"My skin is crawling from that Spectre," she whispered, her words meant for him only. "Everything is too convenient, I feel like she's lying, and like I'm being set up."

She turned out to be right about that. Frankly, it was a singular thing: meeting another Spectre. After Nihlus Joker couldn't say that he'd ever met or seen another one. And this asari was clearly not a very good Spectre at all. But she died for it, and a few hours later he was settling the Normandy into the orbit of a very stormy planet. He mostly heard wind and lightning on the com line for a long time, then he and the rest of the crew got an eye full. The Shadow Broker was one huge, nasty creature. Krogans looked like puppies next to that thing!

Of course, Shepard being Shepard, she decided that the only way to deal with that monster was to go hand-to-hand with him And, Shepard being Shepard, she won.


Afterwards Liara offered to let Jo have a look at some consoles on the station and Jo let her crew wander freely as she busied herself with the intel. Thane came up to her from behind.

"You had us worried there, Siha. The Shadow Broker was a formidable opponent. Joker was so nervous, he disconnected right after you won and went down to the gym. He's still there, pushing weights. I suppose it's a human way to work out stress?"

"Yes, it is. Are you saying he's not listening to me right now?"

"Yes."

"That's a first," she grinned to herself.

The intel on the consoles gave her an idea. Nobody in the galaxy was better at making money than the Shadow Broker, and Jo needed to do something outside the box to secure her own funds for the future. Just in case she survived the suicide mission. She needed her own income that did not depend on her hacking safes or stealing from corpses. There were many files on projects the Shadow Broker was funding, and Jo had several thousands of credits to spare. She picked the one branch that would always be a profitable business – fuel production – and set up the filework for her investment in two small companies. She'd never thought of this before, too busy being a noble soldier, too sheltered from the reality by Alliance finances and then by Spectre funding. But it was time for Commander Shepard to become a businesswoman. If this didn't pan out – no big deal, the money was partly stolen anyway. If it did, she'd have something to come back to.

Back on the ship Liara had the audacity to present Jo with a gift. Her old dog tags. Jo could honestly say she got spooked when she held the frame in her hands. How much more morbid could this asari get? Was this the once cute and sweet girl with a crush on her, the girl Jo had called a friend? This morbid, cruel creature that not only grabbed her dead body and gave it to Cerberus for resurrection, but now also had the insipidity to give her this symbol of a life lost, symbol of everything that tortured Jo every day and night, taken off her corpse? Jo looked up at Liara and wondered what she would find inside her skull if she opened it with her hunting knife right now. Dark matter? Chicken shit? Last stage of brain cancer? Nothing at all? Seriously, how could anyone be so tactless and tasteless? Especially someone who claimed to care for you?

Two and a half years ago Liara had claimed to be socially awkward due to her loneliness on dig sites. Right now Jo was starting to suspect that the social awkwardness had to be a medical condition, or else Jo had no explanation for Liara's behaviour. If it were anyone else, Jo would have slugged the person for such a gift and tossed them out of the airlock. Still, Liara could be useful as a new Shadow Broker, so Jo simply decided to stay away from her at all times. Frankly, not even Miranda's presence gave her the same creeps.

Jo wrapped up that conversation immediately after, and once Liara was off the ship, she went to Zaeed's room and tossed the 'gift' into the garbage disposal shaft. She'd done the same to the crew's Cerberus uniforms a few months back, and now her former dog tags were right where they belonged. They were gone.

It was no wonder that Jo had one of her nightmares that night. She had them often, though never quite as terrible as the one after she'd gotten drunk. Still, if she did manage to get some sleep these days, she always ran a risk of waking up in terror, soaked in sweat, thrashing around and screaming. Liara and her fucked up gift infallibly caused another nightmare. As Jo lay there, her throat raw, her arms and legs shaking, she wondered what she'd ever done to be purposefully tortured by one of her former friends. Who needed enemies with a friend like that anyway?

Next day Tali asked Jo to help her out with a little problem,

"They accused you of WHAT?! That's so beyond ridiculous, I have no words!" Jo couldn't contain a shout, which echoed across the whole engineering deck. Tali almost sobbed:

"I know. And Jo, it means a lot to me that you reacted this way."

"They're stupid idiots if they can even imagine such an outrage. I'll have words with them," Jo squared her shoulders. Nobody messed with her family. Nobody. "I'll have serious words with those Admirals. You've dedicated your whole life to the Migrant Fleet, and they dare to accuse you of treason! Be glad if I don't kill anyone, Tali, I swear."

She had Joker set course right away. Except the Migrant Fleet was currently stationed in one of the farthest systems of the galaxy and the journey promised to be long.

She surprised everyone, and herself as well, when she decided to let Miranda out of her room.

Then again, it was time to let her monsters out of the closet and face them. She was not as fragile as she'd been right after her resurrection, she could keep it together now and she needed to deal with her feelings for Miranda. The missions on her list were almost done and the visit to the Omega 4 relay was in the near future. She couldn't have her own ship divided in friendly zone and enemy zone when she embarked on the suicide mission. She didn't expect for this transition to go smoothly, of course not. But it had to be done. The guards were still keeping an eye on her and EDI was to report any suspicious activity, but Jo let the woman walk around the ship freely.

It would be a stretch to say that her decision was met with enthusiasm. In fact, all conversations stopped and people kept staring at Miranda wherever she went on the ship. Since she had no more access codes to anything and nothing useful to do, Miranda often preferred to stay in her former prison cell anyway.


Joker was staying late in the cockpit, telling himself he had work to do, but he really didn't. Hadley was already used to his spending half the night working and left him alone. Joker didn't feel like eating meals with everybody else either, or talking to people on the vid night that Shepard had arranged as they were half way to the quarians. This time she actually let them watch a vid, not a mission log about the cruelty of Cerberus. He had no wish to listen to giggly girls whisper loudly in the dorms before falling asleep, and certainly no wish to work out in the gym alongside Jacob, who simply couldn't keep his shirt on. Something was eating at him from inside and he stubbornly refused to think about what it was. He knew only that he was angry at Jo when she came to see him, and he was angry at her when she didn't. And since when did he start calling her Jo in his head?

Ever since Miranda was released, the atmosphere on the ship tensed. She was a proud woman, but after the outrageous dressing down she'd received from Shepard on the first day (the word skank had fallen, if he recalled correctly) Miranda was fair game to everyone. Without authority to put up like a shield around her she was open to the hostility the crew had built up against Cerberus. Joker guessed that these people were thoroughly conditioned by Shepard and her 'vid nights' to hate everything Cerberus. Even Joker, despite being busy with other things in his head, had taken pleasure in having Miranda removed from the co-pilot's seat, when she came over and started asking questions about the missions. He had her escorted right off the deck, and the guards were smug about it. The only reason the tension didn't escalate into open hostility was everybody's respect and love for their goddess divine, the little blond badass.

Joker realised soon enough that his mind was betraying him. More often than not now he called her Jo in his head, or even 'his' Jo. She was constantly on his mind. All the others were just women, just people, but she was… she. The special 'she'. And that irritated him. She'd crawled under his skin and made herself comfortable there. He tried to avoid looking at her when she came to the cockpit to sit next to him, but it didn't help. He could feel her presence.

She noticed that he was hardly eating because he avoided dinner time. If nothing else, she was a good Commander. So, instead of ordering him to get down to the mess, one night she brought food and the medicine he'd neglected taking up to the cockpit.

"Thanks, but I'm not hungry," he all but snarled at her. He didn't need a mom to look after him. He was a grown man.

"You're getting skinny," she said, ignoring his snippiness. "Take off your hat."

"That an order, Commander?"

"Please. Take it off and let me look at you."

Grudgingly he took the hat off and turned the chair to look her in the eye. She measured his appearance carefully.

"You look worse than I do," was her verdict. "Thin. Haggard. Are you sleeping enough? I thought I was the one with the insomnia on the ship."

He almost snapped at her, asking why she cared, but bit his tongue. She had told him exactly how much she cared and why.

"It's my own business," he said instead.

"Not if you want to remain the pilot I trust with my life."

They looked at each other firmly, as he was considering the implications. She needed him at his best when he was flying. After all that had happened he couldn't risk getting her killed again just because he was moping and refusing to eat and sleep properly. If last time had been just a stupid stubbornness on his part, this time would be an actual murder.

"I'm sorry," he said and put the hat back on. "I'll correct that situation."

He turned the chair away from her again, but took the plate with food. She waited with him until he finished without saying a word and took the plate down again. Was she going to be his personal caterer now?

Would she do the same if it was someone else, not him?

She probably would, he thought. She cared about her people. Really cared.

Next day, as he forgot the time and missed lunch again, she came and silently gave him another plate. On the third evening he did it on purpose. This time she bore an additional gift: chocolate ice cream with almonds and a cocktail cherry on top. His favourite. How she knew about the cocktail cherry he had no idea.


He grumbled, but accepted. Somehow Jo suspected that he was intentionally skipping meals to make her bring him food personally. Well, all the better for her case, then.

"So," he said after finishing his sandwich and digging into the ice cream. "I heard you had the Council PR people purge all those pictures and videos of you in the bar?"

"Yeah, enough is enough," she shrugged from the co-pilot's seat.

"So you don't want anyone to get boners over you anymore?"

She slowly turned and gave him a full glance:

"There is only one guy I want to get boners over me. The rest of the galaxy is of no consequence."

He choked a little and coughed, examining her from under the brim of his hat.

"So that is why you went showing off your ass in a bar full of horny marines?"

Jo almost smiled. His words sounded more possessive and jealous than he probably realised, even though they'd discussed her ass in great detail a few times before in friendly banter.

"You have to know that I only wanted to get your attention."

"Interesting way of doing that."

"Jeff, I don't know if you realise, but I'm your woman. I don't need your requital to be faithful to you. There is no 'technically single' when you're in love. I don't want anyone else, don't need anyone else, and wouldn't touch or even think of anyone else. I'm not just saying that to cajole you into anything. It's just the way it is. I'm a woman in love and you're the only one for me, no matter your reply. Love means nothing without you. Life means nothing."


There was a monster inside him, Joker realised for a millionth time. But for the first time ever he allowed that monster to raise its head, he looked at it and named it.

He was jealous. He was possessive. And yes, he was in love.

All those months on SR1, when they would poke each other with dirty jokes, trying to find boundaries and finding none, all those times his heart soared when she needed him to save her and he swooped in like a knight on a shiny metal steed to save her day, nebulas he stopped the ship at just because it was her favourite sight in open space…

The day he regretted most in his life, when he knew he would do anything to save her, he was prepared to die for her without regrets, but ended up watching her give her life for him, that day broke his heart, soul, spirit, everything. He cared for his crew and he was in love with his ship, but Jo…

This one woman changed his world, turned it right side up and turned on the lights. She crept under his skin with her silent presence, with her acceptance of who he was, brittle bones and all. Hearing her voice during the mission was like a lifeline, like she was tied to him through their coms and nothing could happen to her down there as long as he was watching over her, all those small and big things meant the world to him.

He had been lying to himself for years. He'd tried to convince himself he admired her as a person, a hero, while in truth he was in love with the woman she was. He cared nothing about hero worship that was going on around her. When he looked at her, he saw what nobody else could or was allowed to see. He saw her comparing the Destiny Ascension to a giant flying vagina. He saw her wolf down food without even knowing what was in it. Recite a whole book about FTL drive while doing push-ups on a bet. Her masterpiece of poker face while playing against Ken or Kasumi.

He loved every little secret she revealed to him about herself, and every one that she hadn't revealed yet. Loved her wicked sense of humour. Her uncanny nerves of steel and freakishly good memory. He could keep naming things he loved about her for hours. He loved every little and big thing, even when she was yelling at him. That made him even hotter and harder for her.

She was braver than him, for sure. She wasted no time telling him about her feelings. But their being together would cause unimaginable trouble and bear consequences he couldn't fathom.

He had to think about it. And he was not in the position to think with his dick. God knew his dick wanted to be up her ass for any price he'd have to pay. But there was more to such a relationship than sex. She was his CO, and the weight of the world rested on her shoulders. If he succumbed to her, he would share it with her. He would have to let her go into her death on many more occasions until one day she finally would not return. Forever this time. He remembered the days without her and knew that if he let himself fall for her, he would not survive one more loss of her. He would blow his brains out. Perhaps it was better to stay away as long as he still had the option?

Except it was too late already. He'd fallen for her, hard, crushingly hard. Just like she said: she felt like she was his woman and his denial couldn't change that. Well, he was in love with her, whether he admitted it or not.

He would have to let her go on suicide missions all the time and he would die inside each time, no matter if they'd been a couple or not.

So what was he to do?

The worst part was that he was already too distracted to do his job well. He'd lose himself in his thoughts and forget his surroundings. They were not even together and he was already suffering through the worst consequences without getting anything good out of the situation for himself. And tonight he was looking at another sleepless night of futile tries to figure out what to do, only followed by nightmares about his worst fears. He knew this couldn't go on for much longer. Something somewhere would have to give.