„I can't believe this is happening!"

They'd been to the Migrant Fleet to solve Tali's problem and Shepard laid it on very heavily, protecting her little-sister-in-spirit, so that when they left, Tali was cleared of all charges and really touched. Now Joker had two people hovering behind him as he watched the security vid on his console.

"This can not be happening. Is this even legal?"

They'd also been to the derelict Reaper and gotten the IFF. More so, they got themselves a live geth. And now, as Shepard and Legion sat together in the mess hall (hurriedly vacated by everyone else for no real reason) Tali stood in the cockpit, where she rarely appeared before, and repeatedly punched Garrus' shoulder, demanding an answer.

"I have no idea, Tali," the turian said. He sounded strained. Everyone knew Tali disapproved of Shepard's decision to bring and reactivate and even set free a real, live geth unit. Garrus got caught between the two women he cared about most. Neither was inclined to make it easy for him. Shepard was spending hours talking to Legion and Tali abandoned her station in Engineering and was having a nervous breakdown every hour or so.

"Is that normal, Joker?"

"Why are you asking me of all people?"

"Because you're the expert on Jo. You know her better than anyone."

"Says who?"

"Says time and experience. If anyone knows what's going on in her head, it's you."

He tried to take that as a compliment, but couldn't help but wonder if the whole ship already knew Shepard was in love with him and assumed they were a couple.

"I've got two words for you," he said. "Three words. New. Alien. Pet."

"What does that mean?"

Garrus sighed:

"It means that Shepard is eager to learn as much as she can about all species. And by all I mean all."

"But that's not a species, that's a geth!"

"Did you seriously just go there?" Joker snorted. "Would you like to tell that to either of them?"

"It's dangerous!" Tali was close to another breakdown. "It's going to kill us all!"

"All quarians are scavengers and thieves," Joker declared and both aliens fixed him with shocked glances. His reputation as an asshole just gained twenty points.

"Explain yourself," Garrus grunted protectively.

"I don't have to," Joker shrugged. "Everyone knows that all quarians are thieves, scavengers and parasites. That didn't stop Shepard from accepting you, did it, Tali? Did she ever make you feel like you were a second class citizen on her ship? I don't think so. Did she ever treat you with anything but respect and affection? No. She calls you family, she just went to your home and yelled at the entire Admiralty Board for you. But hey, everybody in the galaxy knows that quarians are thieves and scavengers. So tell me, has Shepard made a mistake taking you in and getting to love you like her own sister? What have you stolen from her? How have you threatened her? How have you betrayed her?"

Tali didn't know what to say for a long, very long time. Garrus looked like he hoped against hope not to be stuck in this fighting triangle anymore. Tali just wrung her hands. It took several minutes until she finally dropped her head and sighed:

"I see. I understand what you're trying to say, Joker. I just can't help it. I guess being cautious about geth is in my blood."

"Hating geth, you mean to say?"

"I don't hate them."

"Kinda sounds like you do. You hate all geth on principle. Now, I have no idea what's going on in Shepard's head, but I know that she wouldn't give Legion a chance if she didn't feel like it deserves it. So for my part I just play a good soldier, do as I'm told and let her take all the responsibility. Allows me sleep at night."

"Yeah, but…"

"Imagine what you can learn from this geth unit, Tali," Garrus spoke up with a new hope of resolving the situation. "You have a unique opportunity here to gain understanding about them from a friendly unit with an intact memory core that can answer your questions instead of trying to kill you. There has to be something to gain here, don't you think?"

"I guess…"

"Talk to Jo," Joker said experimentally. He wondered if these two would notice that he'd never called Shepard by her nickname before. They'd done it for years now, but not him. But neither of them paid attention, so he continued: "She's pumping Legion for information right now, she can tell you exactly why she's doing it, she can explain better than we can. And besides, if you have a problem with her decisions, you should take your concern to her directly. Do you think she won't listen to you? Girl, she would do anything for you. Except maybe deactivating that geth, but you know what I mean."

Geez, playing people was so damn exhausting! Tali agreed to talk to Shepard and Garrus gave Joker a secret look of gratitude before they both left, but Joker felt drained of all energy. Dealing with people was not his pair of shoes, it drove him nuts. Jo was so much better at it, she could navigate those minefields in her sleep. And she was the only one whose company he could enjoy for hours, days, years, and he never got tired. Because he was in love with her.

Yeah, that thought still scared him. The whole last week or so he would sometimes catch a glimpse of her and his heart would skip a beat. He wondered if he looked just like Alenko had looked all those years ago: smitten. Probably. He really was smitten, had been for a long time, but only allowed himself to acknowledge that recently.

She still brought him food sometimes, when he accidentally on purpose forgot the end of his shift. She would bring him stuff that wasn't coming from Gardner's kitchen, too. He had a feeling she had her own stash of luxuries somewhere in her cabin. Chocolate ice cream, or just chocolate, or a cup of coffee that smelled and tasted so good he almost had an orgasm drinking it. Nothing like what the crew made do with in the kitchen. She wasn't sharing intel about where she had those things from and he wasn't asking. It was their little secret.

After talking to Legion for a while she came up to the cockpit and surprised Joker by asking him to set course for Alchera. He knew there were no other big missions left on her plan, other than helping Legion with something, and Alchera was a request she ignored for as long as she could.

"Yes, Commander," he said, hoping that she was prepared for visiting the place of her death. But who could ever be prepared for that? Suddenly he felt her hand on his shoulder. She hadn't touched him for a long time, but she needed, really needed him right now. He felt it in the way her fingers dug into his muscle, almost causing pain, but not too much. She was scared. And he was the only one on the ship or in the galaxy she would ever show her fear to.

Before he thought about what he was doing, he reached out and gently wrapped his hand around her wrist. He understood her anguish more than she'd ever know.

They went to the planet together. She asked him to fly her and the haunted look in her eyes killed all resistance he had. He observed her from the shuttle as she wandered around, her breathing heavy in his earpiece. She was silent. Too silent. He didn't feel like speaking, either, as he looked at the ribs of his baby, bare and broken, piercing the stormy sky. This was her, his first Normandy. A lifetime in shambles. And the sight of Shepard walking on the dust of that lifetime was sure to give him more nightmares in the time to come. He watched her look up at the remains of the hull, listen to the fierce wind tearing at the pieces, and he saw her sway.

"Shep, you okay?"

"No, Jeff, I'm not," she said, but at least she didn't collapse.

"Come on, you've got the tags, let's leave this place. Please."

"Yeah, no argument here."

She headed for the shuttle, but decided to bring a souvenir. A huge piece of metal, a part of a bulkhead in the cargo bay section. Joker went to the shuttle's main section and watched her carry in a piece of metal that surely would need three mechs or one Grunt to lift otherwise. Thanks to Cerberus she had superhuman strength now.

"What's that?"

"A piece of the original Normandy. I want it to become a part of the new one."

They looked at the charred, icy piece for a few moments before she collapsed against the wall and slid down to sit in the corner. He didn't know what to say or do. She was overwhelmed, but so was he. He could hear the shouts again, the fire, the screeching metal, the explosions, her voice, urging him to save himself. He could see it all, the physical evidence of the disaster right there in front of them, the place where it actually happened.

He collapsed on the floor right next to Shepard. Just like back then – just the two of them.

"Look, Shep, it's you and me and our baby. Again." His voice cracked on the last word.

"Did these two and a half years really happen? Or are we still there, in the cockpit, amidst explosions?" She turned her head to him. Her voice sounded tortured.

"It's fucked up, but you and I will always be in that cockpit, always amidst those explosions."

"Can't we ever leave?" She almost begged him, as if there was anything he could do! "I want to leave. Leave it all behind. Forget the cockpit, the explosions, the… Just you and me, that's all I want. Without doom."

He knew what she meant. But even after so many months he was still trapped in that burning, broken ship, still trying to save something that couldn't be saved.

He took her gloved hand and leaned against her shoulder:

"A shrink told me that forgiveness is the key to moving on, Shepard. But I can't forgive myself for getting you killed. I can't forgive you for not letting me die for you, or for dying for me. I can't forgive the Collectors for what they did. Or the Alliance for sending us here again. And I can't forgive the galaxy for belittling you, sweeping you and your ideas under the rug, for being ignorant imbeciles."

"There was no other choice. I had to save you."

"Why? You have no idea what you made me go through by saving me! I wouldn't wish it on the Illusive Asshole. Why did you save me?"

"Not for any romantic reasons, if that's what you're asking. You're my team, my crew, a part of my body and soul, just like everyone on that ship was. Leaving you behind was, is and will always be inconceivable. We gave each other our loyalty freely, and that's what we do. Stay loyal, no matter what comes our way. I'd do it again any day."

His chest was hurting on their way back. She was right: the crew's loyalty to one another had been forged in battles, soaked in booze, sweat, blood and tears, polished by their accomplishments. He had been a part of something then, and just like dying for her was a no-brainer for him, maybe dying for him was just as natural for her? He realised that he could understand her now. The question had tortured him all these years, but he could see now. Maybe he could find a little bit of forgiveness for her in his heart, after all.

The mission to the heretic geth was as uneventful as all Shepard's missions. The team went in, blew up the station and returned. He for once was glad that she hadn't chosen to rewrite those geth. Bad code was always bad code. Why invite trouble into the hive, weakening the rest of the geth to the possibility of falling back into worshiping the Reapers? The galaxy still had no idea how indoctrination worked. Even if rewritten, those geth could be damaged goods. He approved of Shepard's choice and even poked her about finishing the job by taking out Legion, which earned him about half a smile. After Alchera he could work with half a smile. It was better than the desolation in her eyes.

He and EDI began installing the IFF into their systems and Miranda suggested Jo take the shuttle to their next mission, another small request from Cerberus. Shepard agreed, but only after telling Miranda off for trying to order people around without authority. They'd never done this before, though: leave the ship in a shuttle. He really hoped she would be back soon.


As the shuttle left the bay and set course for the solar system glistening far ahead, Jo sat down on a bench next to Garrus and leaned her head back against the wall. Being on the way to the next mission, waiting for landing – so familiar, almost painful. But Jo couldn't shake off a really weird feeling. Like the feeling you get when you realise you've taken the wrong turn.

Calm down, she said to herself. You're Shepard. You're a damn hero, a ship's captain, you can handle your nerves better than this.

Except her feelings for Joker made her a wreck. There was no hope that her hands were still as steady on the trigger as they used to. At this rate he could kill her without even meaning to.

The journey was taking hours, and the restless feeling in Jo grew stronger with every minute. She'd left the ship for long periods of time before, but never had she left her behind at such a great distance, with all fighters gone. Instead they were now all crammed into a tiny shuttle that offered no protection.

This wasn't right. She shouldn't have listened to Miranda. Should never have gone on this mission. Never should have left her ship.

When the shuttle finally entered the new system, Jo couldn't handle it anymore. There was only one thing she could think of that would calm her down. She touched her omni-tool and connected her earpiece to the tiny chip she'd planted on Joker's earpiece. She wanted to hear his voice. Hearing Joker talk tech was the best way to put her at ease, no matter how tough the situation was. The first thing she heard, however, was a deafening scream. Jo intimately knew that kind of scream. People sounded like that when being devoured by some beast while still alive. She jumped out of her seat.

Everyone around her turned to look at her in puzzlement.

"Shit!" That was Joker's voice. "Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit."

Jo heard unusual noises interfering with his voice. Scratching of claws against metal, shots fired, animal roars mixed with desperate human screams. Jo felt her heart drop to the floor. The Normandy was under attack.

She pushed a few buttons on her omnitool and the sound in her earpiece switched to the speakers in the shuttle. Now everyone could hear the guns, the screams, Joker's curses, as he seemed to be moving somewhere and bumping his knees and elbows in the process.

"What is this?" Miranda asked.

"That's coming from Joker's earpiece," Jo said. "Turn the shuttle!" She ordered Tali. "Fly back to the Normandy, as fast as you can!"

"Is the ship under attack?" Samara asked.

"Yes, from what it sounds like, they're being butchered."

"By whom?"

"The hell should I know?" Jo snapped back. "I just turned on the channel and heard them scream."

"Multiple hostiles detected on the crew deck," EDI said somewhere behind the noise. Then Hawthorne:

"Joker! This deck is crawling with those things! Stay close, I'll protect you!"

More guns, more brain-damaging screams, male and female ones. Jo almost ripped the pilot's seat out of its holdings along with Tali sitting in it.

"Fly faster," she ordered the poor quarian.

"I am!" Tali protested, pushing buttons frantically.

"Not fast enough! Fly faster!"

"What are they doing?" Garrus looked puzzled, when Joker and EDI started talking tech.

"Joker is giving EDI control over the ship," Tali concluded. "Whoever the attackers are, they probably deactivated the defensive systems."

"You still have time to chat?!" Jo barked at the pilot. "Your job's to fly, so fly."

"Shepard, why don't you get over here and sit down?" Garrus said carefully. "There is nothing you can do right now, and threatening Tali won't make us fly any faster."

"I can't."

"You have to."

Jo turned around and gave the turian a look. He stared right back at her, as the rest of the team did. Jo pushed herself away from Tali's seat rather violently and rejoined Garrus on the bench. For a while there was nothing to hear except ventilation and Joker's muttered curses. Jo gnashed her teeth.

"I understand your anger. You've watched one Normandy being blown to smithereens. You don't want to live through the same horror again." Garrus leaned in a little closer to her and spoke softly.

"Trust me, Garrus, the fucking ship is the least of my worries."

"Look, we won't make it in time to save everyone, but…"

"We're already too late. This transmission is delayed by almost forty minutes. This has already happened, whatever happened."

"Why do you have such a weak connection to Joker?"

"Because this isn't the official channel we operate on. The official one is blocked, probably by some virus from the attackers. This is my private, hacked way into his earpiece. It's only really good at short range, I'm surprised I'm getting anything at all. No one knows about it but me."

"And Joker?"

"No."

"Why do you have such a thing? Do you keep track of all of us?"

"Not at all."

More screams and gunshots tore the air between them. Jo couldn't stop wondering which shot would be the one to kill her man. She placed her palms on her head and shook it. No, no, do not think that. Not that. Don't.

"You're in serious agony here, Jo," Garrus noted even quieter than before. "Is this the reason why you ignore a million other men? Joker?"

Jo remained silent.

"Does he know?"

"Yeah, he knows. Just doesn't feel the same way about me."

Garrus tilted his head and regarded her carefully.

"Don't be a retard, of course he does."

"Since when are you the expert?"

"I may not be an expert on human courtship rules, but I know what it means when a man drools at the sight of a woman in a pretty dress."

"I know that. Everyone thinks I'm hot in that dress, even the doctor."

"Then why does he keep interrupting your private affairs whenever it starts looking like you're about to have fun? Why do his ears turn red when he sees you walk into the CIC in the morning? Why does his voice sound so panicked when he thinks you're in danger? Why does he keep your profile on his computer in a code-secured folder called "Maintenance reports"? Why did he join Cerberus in the first place? Why…"

"Stop it, Garrus. Just fucking stop it. He might already be dead. I know all this, I'm not an insecure little girl. I know. He just doesn't want to admit it. And I'm not threatening him with my grenade launcher to get him to confess."

"Jo, it's funny you say that, because this is exactly what you do to the rest of the world."

"Wrex said the exact same thing. Well, Jeff isn't the rest of the world. He is one of a kind."

"…all hostiles will be killed." EDI sounded confident in the speakers.

"What? What about the crew?" Joker, on the other hand, didn't sound confident at all.

"They are gone, Jeff. The Collectors took them."

"The Collectors!" Jo banged her fist against the wall. "I should have known better!"

"I am sealing the engine room. I have control."

There were engine roars and a blast of energy, then everything went quiet. The next few minutes everything was perfectly still. Jo was almost in tears. She tried to imagine if she could hear his breathing, but the sounds were just too vague. Everyone was now looking at her with concern. Jo knew why. They had never seen her so emotional. And she hadn't been so emotional since before she joined the military. She had always had a firm grip on herself, and the occasional displays of anger and evilness were always well calculated.

"Purge is complete. No other life forms on board. Securing airlocks and cargo bay doors."

Never before was Jo so happy to hear EDI talk. No other life forms meant that there was one life form on board.

Joker groaned in the mic. Jo almost cried out loudly with relief and happiness.

"He's all right, Jo, he's all right," Garrus said and patted her on her back. "And he's a fool if he seriously rejects you."

It took them over two hours to join the Normandy at the coordinates in EDI's message, and Jo aged about forty years in that time.

"You've lost every crew member and damn near lost the ship, too?" Miranda was pacing up and down the debriefing room, where Joker sat on the table and where Jo just hurried in.

"I know, all right? I was there!"

"Miranda, fuck off," Jo said and brushed the cheerleader aside on her way to Joker. Before he could protest, she wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him tightly. He went quite stiff, when his forehead was suddenly pressed against her heart, but after a few moments his arms found her waist and returned the hug even tighter. This was all she ever wanted. This was all that meant the difference between life and death for her. This man, alive and safe.

"Are you all right?" She asked him when the hug finally loosened and she put her hands gently on the back of his neck, searching his face.

"There's a lot of empty chairs in here," he said, averting his eyes. Jo felt his hands linger on her waist, burning hot through the fabric. Oh, the touch of those hands…

"We did everything we could, Jeff," EDI spoke up.

"Yeah, thanks, mom." He sounded exhausted and removed his hands from her. Jo almost cried out in despair.

"EDI, thank you," she said to the ceiling. "I never thought I'll be saying this, but thank you for saving him."

"You can count on me, Commander."

"Is the ship clean? We can't risk this happening again."

"EDI and I purged the systems. The Reaper IFF is online. We can go through the Omega 4 relay whenever you want."

"Don't even get me started about unshackling the damned AI," Miranda again. Why couldn't she stay blissfully quiet?

"Will you just fuck off, Miranda? Seriously? Go to your room, file your nails or pluck your eyebrows, of whatever it is you're doing. Just shut up."

"I assure you, I am still bound by protocols in my programming. Even if I were not, you are my crewmates."

Jo took a deep breath, made an effort to calm her shaking body and finally gave orders for people to man the stations and get them to the Omega 4 relay ASAP. It was time to get this done and go home.

Joker and the others saluted and left. Everyone was shaken, but it was easier for them to deal with the loss of the crew when they had orders, something to focus on. Jo had no orders. She solved the problem by giving herself an order.

Keep it together, woman. Clear your head, gather intel, strategise and execute.

If only it were that easy. Since becoming the first human Spectre she'd spent a lot of time getting the drill sergeant out of her head, making herself more civilian, casual. Now it came back biting her in the ass. Jo leaned onto the table and took a few deep breaths. Not only did Joker drive her hot and cold, he drove her completely insane, and for all intents and purposes unable to complete any missions. How was she supposed to go through the Omega 4 relay with no way back, find her crew and defeat an unknown threat to all organic life, when her hands were trembling at the sight of him and her guts did a somersault whenever she heard his voice, when she began seeing white spots of rage at just hearing him speak so familiarly with the AI?

Jo stood straight and slapped herself on both cheeks. Sharp pain helped her clear her mind a little bit. She needed to be out there, preparing for what seemed to be her last mission. Up until right now she'd given no thought at all to the fact that she and her whole crew may not come back.

The ship was eerily empty, and people were tense. She was surprised to find the Main Battery empty, though. Why was her calibrator not calibrating? She found him, Thane, Zaeed and Grunt in the cargo bay, manhandling the large piece of metal she'd brought from Alchera. A piece of the original Normandy.

"What are you doing with it?" She asked. Garrus nodded her to go back to the elevator.

"We'll show you in the morning," he said.

As she stood there, she knew she had to go talk to Joker eventually. She just didn't know how to.

"Commander," he turned his seat when she approached. By now he seemed to know when someone was behind him, even without a mirror. "I'm sorry about the crew and…" His voice suddenly changed a little, grew a bit pitchy: "You know what? No, I am not sorry! What the hell are you doing leaving us out here where Collectors can work us over?!" He even banged a fist against an armrest. "Because you know what, I should… I should just go. Next port, just get the hell out of here."

"You don't mean that, Jeff." EDI again.

"I… no, but it… it felt good. I'm sorry, Commander. Okay, I'm ready, I'm good. Ready to save the day."

Jo never had a harder time saying any other words in her life, when she wrapped her arms around herself and looked to the side:

"Maybe it's better if you do leave. Next port, just out of here, Jeff."

"What." He almost swallowed his tongue. "Commander, I didn't mean that!"

"I know you didn't. I know it's all my own fault, leaving the ship, going away. I'm responsible for every one of those who were taken, and I'll do everything in my power to get them all back. But you, Jeff, you're a different story. On my way back to the ship I went through all kinds of hell worrying about you, praying to gods I never knew for your life, and now that I'm here and you're okay, my hands are still shaking with relief. How can I get the job done if I worry so much about your safety? So even if you didn't mean it, I do. Maybe it's better for you to get off the ship and say your goodbyes to everyone on it."

"Shepard, no, please, don't do this." He pushed himself out of the seat and stood in front of her, one shoulder hanging a little lower than the other. She adored that. But this wasn't the time. "Please, Johanna? Don't make me leave. I didn't mean it, and… I hope you didn't either."

He was not above using the most unfair weapon he had against her – saying her first name like that.

"I'm not giving you any such orders, it's entirely up to you, but I want you to think about it." Jo wrapped her arms even tighter around herself. She was again on the verge of doing something stupid. Kissing him, or maybe killing him, or maybe running away, or perhaps even crying. Her resolve was waning and her body already leaned towards him. She put a gentle hand on his chest:

"I'm so sorry for leaving you and the ship, you can't imagine. So sorry for letting you live through this nightmare on your own. I'm sorry."

She turned away abruptly and walked out of the cockpit, but still she could hear him say quietly after her:

"I am tougher than you think."