E lucevan le stelle
ed olezzava la terra
stridea l'uscio dell'orto
e un passo sfiorava la rena
Entrava ella fragrante,
mi cadea fra le braccia.
O dolci baci, o languide carezze,
mentr'io fremente le belle forme disciogliea dai veli
Svanì per sempre il sogno mio d'amore
L'ora è fuggita, e muoio disperato
E muoio disperato
E non ho amato mai tanto la vita
tanto la vita!
(Tosca)
Jo sat for a long time on the couch in her room and watched the fish. Her first batch had died. The crew was gone. Her private life was in ruins. Her resolve was about to bite it, too.
But new fish were now swimming in her tank, her fighter team was still on board, and even if she had no resolve, she had no right to admit it to them. Tonight was the night for her to swallow her pain, insecurity, weakness and doubt, it was time to be the tower of strength she'd been trained to be. It was time to be Shepard. To live up to the legend she'd spent so much energy building up.
She'd made a mistake leaving the ship unprotected. As she thought about it, she couldn't remember the last time she'd made such a colossal mistake, such a clear error of judgement. She had to own that mistake and correct it. And all she had were eleven and a half hours until they arrived at the Omega 4 relay. She could do it. Had no other choice.
"EDI, connect me for ship-wide transmission."
"Yes, Commander. You are connected."
"Good evening, ladies and gents. I'm not going to give you an inspirational speech. I picked and trained each one of you because you're the best of the best and you don't need my speeches. Tomorrow at oh eight twenty seven we arrive at the Omega 4 relay and we go through to get back what belongs to us and to annihilate what stands in our way. We will be victorious. Why? Because I said so. What other reason do you need? Ladies and gentlemen, stand strong, stand fast, stand together. Shepard out."
It was going to be a long night though. Who could sleep on a night like this? But she did need her strength before battle and a relaxing hot shower would possibly be the only kind of rest she could get tonight.
As the hot water streamed down her body, Jo let it wash away all the misery and pain. Her training and her unbending will created a pillar of iron resolve inside her, giving her the strength she needed to do her job tomorrow with steady hands and a cool head. But somewhere underneath all that stone and iron her heart was trembling like a wounded bird, crying out for a reason to live, for the companionship of another person, the most wonderful person in the world.
Jo brushed her dripping wet hair and let it hang loose down her shoulders, as she left the shower barefoot, wearing a grey tank top and a pair of soft training trousers. Suddenly she stopped in her tracks.
Joker was standing in her room, watching the fish in the tank.
"Shepard," he said, measuring her up and down with a frown. "I came to tell you that I thought about what you said earlier, and I'm really pissed at you."
Jo raised one eyebrow and silently proceeded down the stairs to the desk by the couch.
"I'm not leaving!" He raised his voice. "Do you hear me? I'm not leaving. Whether you like it or not, the Normandy is my ship as well, so you have no right to make me leave. Plus, we're not in the military, so you're not actually an outranking officer to me, you know? Besides, you have no one else here, or in the whole galaxy, who could fly you there as well as I can, nor would I ever allow any other pilot to do it, so you're stuck with me, and I think that this way our chances of survival are considerably higher than without me."
Jo listened to the speech facing away from him. There was a bitter smile on her lips. This energetic man, speaking his mind, demanding what he wanted or thought he deserved – she knew that side of Joker well, and he was incredibly hot when he was like that. Jo turned around, sat down on top of the desk and put both her bare feet on one armrest of her office chair in front of it.
"I knew you wouldn't leave. I never wanted you to. I just wanted you to be sure of that."
He was ready to protest, but swallowed the rest of the speech when he heard what she said.
"So I'm staying," he said with much less agitation.
"So you are."
"You played me."
"It's what I do." Jo shrugged a little.
"Now I feel stupid. And awkward."
"Why? Surely not because you're alone with a woman in her bedroom at night and haven't even brought champagne?"
That drove a deep blush right up to his hairline.
"No… I mean, why would… I should just… Oh, hell."
"Relax, Mr Moreau. I'm only joking."
He stared at her half angrily, half amused, still not sure if he should leave or stay. Well, make up your mind already, Jo encouraged him in her own mind. In that awkward pause the music playing softly in the background changed. Something came on that she'd just put on the playlist this evening upon coming to her room. Something she hadn't listened to for a very, very long time. The piece was so unusual that it even got Joker's attention.
"What is it?" He asked her.
"It's from an opera, Tosca, it's called "E lucevan le stelle"."
"I know that. I mean, what is it to you?"
"To me?" Jo wrapped her arms around her knees and rocked the chair left and right with her toes. "Back on Earth, when I was, I don't know, fourteen or fifteen, me and a boy from my gang found a dead guy on the street. He took his shoes, I took his omnitool. It was damaged and most of the data was gone, but one song from the playlist was still there. This one. I'd spent months listening to it, wondering what the man is singing about. And the melody… It touched me so deep that I've kept the omnitool because of it. When I joined the military, I searched half the extranet to find out what it was. A piece from an ancient opera, Tosca, sung by Placido Domingo. I found out that it's some special recording, done live on locations mentioned in the opera. I listened to other versions, but none touched me as deeply as this one. I still listen to it now and then because it helps me to focus on what's really important before every difficult mission."
"And what's that?"
"How much I love living. It's the last line of the lyrics." Jo ran her fingers through her half-dry hair. "Wait, how do you know what it is? Are you hiding a secret passion for opera?"
Joker averted his eyes and coughed:
"No, not at all."
Jo frowned slightly, when something dawned on her.
"It was you, wasn't it? The only reason I still have this music piece is because I used to keep it uploaded on an extranet hosting account. And it was good for about a year after my death. Yet when I came back, the account still existed and was paid for four more years in advance. You did it."
He said nothing, just stared at the floor.
"You hacked into my personal account. That was the only way to do it."
"Maybe." He looked very uncomfortable.
"Joker, I'm not mad. I'm almost flattered. That recording is impossible to find these days, it might as well be the only copy. I'm grateful you preserved it for me. But why did you do it?"
"I'd better leave." He turned around and almost ran out of the room. Except his bones wouldn't let him run, and Jo was happy about it.
"Wait, come back, please. You asked me a personal question, so now I'm asking one. Why did you do it?"
"I just wanted something of yours to remain after you."
"Oh." Jo was a bit disappointed. "That's it?"
There was a long pause, in which he made several steps: towards the door, then back towards her, then away again, until he eventually remained undecided in the middle of her room.
"What do you want with me?" He looked at her with despair and torture in his eyes.
"I think you know very well what I want," she smiled like a shark, but he wouldn't let her distract him.
"No. I mean: what do you want. With me."
"I want to be with you. Wake up next to you. Hear your jokes when I'm killing bad guys. See the delight in your eyes when you see those damn cocktail cherries on your ice cream. I want you to be an asshole, 'cause I love it when you're being an asshole. I want you to trust me with yourself just like I came to trust you with me. I want to know what kind of porn is your favourite, and to try it all out with you. I want the whole world to know what a magnificent man you are, but at the same time I want you all to myself. Sorry about that little conflict of interest there, can't help it."
"But I'm a cripple."
"Didn't we already cover that?"
He gave her a look.
"Oh," she nodded. "You listened to me, but you didn't believe me. What can I do to convince you that you're not a cripple to me?"
"It's just so confusing! We could both die tomorrow, and even if not – every day of whatever time we have you'll be walking into dangerous, deadly situations and I'd have to watch you do it and I'd have to be fine with it? Don't you think it's a little bit too cruel?"
"Don't you think it's confusing to me? Who do you think I am, some sort of machine? I have feelings, and I have duties, and I know they sometimes go against each other. What do you suggest I do about it?"
"You're a hero. Heroes don't get to have a private life. Heroes only get to sacrifice their love for the greater good and die in a blaze of glory. It's the rest of us who get to feel the pain of what we've lost."
"So I'm not even a person to you? I have no right to be in love because I'm destined to die a heroic death?"
"Yes."
That hurt. That hurt so much that she almost cried. It was a good thing that it was dark in the room, the only light coming from the fish tank. But he realised what he'd done even without seeing her face. He grabbed the cap from his head, ran a jerky hand through his hair and briskly put the cap back on.
"It's not what I meant. You are a person. You're real and beautiful and amazing, and that's the whole problem. It would be so much easier if you were a hero on a pedestal. It would save me so much heartache if I could just let you go like a hero. Especially tonight, when we're both going on this suicide mission. I can't risk falling for you again and live through another heartbreak."
Jo rocked back from the force of his words. Did he just admit to having fallen for her before? Did he… Was he…
"Did you just say you like me?" She breathed out, fighting hard to keep her heart from jumping out of her chest.
"Shepard…"
"Oh, so we're past the 'Commander', then?"
"Jo. You are a miracle, Johanna, everyone wants you and I'm not made of stone, either. That is why my heart broke, when I watched you die. I could never forgive you for not holding on tighter that day, for getting yourself killed, for sending me away in that shuttle. How could you do that to me?! When I heard that you're back, I had half a mind to kill you myself for dying. I can't have my heart broken again like that. You have no idea about the hell I've been through."
Jo took a very deep and slow breath. Fuck. That was a lot more than she'd had expected.
"Tell me, when did you fall for me for the first time?"
"Jo, please, don't do that to me."
"I can tell you exactly when I fell for you. You said to me with that fire in your voice: I'm not good, I'm not even great, I'm the best damn pilot in the Alliance fleet. That was when I was a goner."
He shook his head slightly with a mirthless smile, but remained silent.
"It's all right, you don't have to talk. But you came to my room, so stay, please. At least for a little while. God knows, tonight's not the night when I want to be alone."
"Me neither, to be honest."
"When we get back from the Reaper Land, I think everyone deserves a vacation. Two weeks at the very least."
Joker shook his head again, but his smile wasn't so sad this time. Instead there was a little sparkle. He was grateful for the change of topic. Jo wiggled her toes, inviting him to sit down on the couch.
"Where would you go?"
"I don't know. Something exciting, like Razor, perhaps."
"What's Razor?"
"It's a station in the Horse Head Nebula, one big casino. It's also the biggest assembly of all kinds of games and simulations."
"Like?"
"Flight or battle."
"You fly day after day, and when you go on vacation, you want flight simulations?" Jo laughed out.
"Yeah, but there I get to shake off all the responsibility of my job and fly a hologram to bits and pieces. It's good for relieving stress."
"I see. There is a yahoo in you, too. What else is there on Razor?"
"They have a catalogue on the extranet. I don't think anyone's ever looked through the entire thing. There is pretty much everything."
"Everything? Like what, a simulation of sex with Mata Hari, or Cleopatra, or Sha'ira?" Jo snorted. Joker suddenly hiccupped and gaped at her with horror:
"How did you know?!"
"What? Sex with Cleopatra? I just guessed, picked something that sounded entirely unlikely."
"Ahem."
"Right. Nothing entirely unlikely on Razor. Noted. Seriously, Cleopatra?"
"Not… exactly."
"Then who?"
His ears turned a deep red.
"Come on, impress me. Who is it?"
"It's… Marylin Monroe."
"Hmmm. Why her?"
"Ahem. I mean… well, I like her. She's kind of perfect."
"In what way?"
"No one has such perfect blond hair. Except maybe you."
"Yeah, we blonds are a rare species these days."
"So where would you go on a vacation?" He asked to distract her.
"Somewhere planetside with real sunrises and sunsets, with a clear distinction between the ground and the sky. I want see real light. I want to go swimming, and climbing some mountains, and I want to go hunting animals. You know, the real thing, not sneaking around some forlorn geth base killing crazy machines."
"Now look who's talking. You hunt geth and other stuff every day, and when you go on vacation, you pick up a rifle and go hunting."
"Touché," she shrugged. "And maybe one day I'll even go and see an opera. Like Tosca. But generally I'd go somewhere to relieve some stress. I mean, we have Miranda and I can use her as a verbal punching bag, but lately she just doesn't do the trick."
"Yeah, I noticed! She's great for verbal abuse, with that scowl of hers."
"And those outfits she came on board with… Was there a shortage of fabric at Cerberus when she had them tailored?"
"Oh, I don't mind them so much…" Joker grinned at Jo with sly eyes.
"I do not doubt that. Her ass is great. But that attitude…"
"Maybe she reminds you too much of yourself, Jo."
"Am I like that?"
"Oh, the attitude is very similar."
"Am I so full of myself?" Jo looked amused-scandalized.
"Sometimes, yes."
"Am I treating people like I'm the only one who knows the right way of doing things?"
"All the time."
"I do not walk like her, surely."
"No, you do not. You walk like a soldier, she walks like a cat."
"And you like that, don't you?" Jo bit her lips, trying to stop grinning like an idiot. Why was she grinning, when he was telling her all these things? She had no idea. But not smiling was impossible. Joker was in her room, and they were having a casual conversation. That alone made her tingle all over with happiness.
"Who wouldn't?"
"What if I started walking like Miranda? How did you call it? Like a cat? Float around from one posture into another?"
"No, don't. Why would you copy her?"
"It's sexy, isn't it?"
"Like you need to walk like Miranda to be sexy."
"I do not?"
"You sound genuinely surprised," Joker shifted a little on the couch, leaned forward. "You sound almost like you don't believe in yourself."
"I was perfectly confident in my eroticism until you said I walked like a soldier. I mean, of course I walk like a soldier, but that doesn't sound particularly attractive."
"Oh, you were plenty attractive in that little dress and those fuck-me shoes when you went to Hock's party with Kasumi. And the way you moved, damn, way out of Miranda's league!"
"Yeah, well, too bad I can't really do that in real life. But now I can't help it, I wonder what else makes me look like a soldier."
"Well…"
"What?!" Jo burst out laughing.
"Don't take it the wrong way, but this is the first time I've seen you with your hair down. I didn't realise how long it was." Jo watched his glance travel over the almost-dry blond locks that fell down her shoulders and reached her elbows. She felt like he'd touched her all over. Her nipples grew hard immediately.
"Not true. You've seen it open before. Remember I let it down for Wrex and Garrus?"
"But I wasn't there in person."
"Do you like my hair down?"
Joker averted his eyes again and rubbed his neck awkwardly. Then he said so quietly that she almost didn't hear him over the music:
"Yeah, I do."
"You know what? About ten years ago I was invited to a party, when a friend of mine was promoted to a Captain." She took her notepad and began pushing icons. "He still has some pictures from that party in his album. Here, come and see." She held the pad to him. Joker hesitated, before he pushed himself off the couch and walked around the coffee table.
"Captain Neraga?" He asked. "I didn't know you knew him."
"Yes, we used to serve together. Look closer at the picture."
He narrowed his eyes at six people standing in a row: two men in festive uniforms and four women in dresses. It obviously took him a while to realise that the second one on the left, the blond one with soft curls, wearing a short blue dress and high-heeled boots, it was her.
"Oh my god." He gasped. "Your hair looks almost like Marylin Monroe's."
"I still remember that party. It was the first time I was supposed to wear a dress in my life. I had no idea what to do with myself. We were on a military base on the Gemini Sigma, there weren't exactly any shops or hairdressers nearby. I'd had my own unit there, so two girls from the unit took pity on me. They lent me that dress and spent four hours doing something to my hair. That was the result."
Joker was still staring at the picture as he lowered himself into the chair in front of her. Jo still had her bare feet on the armrest of that chair. His elbow brushed her legs ever so slightly.
"It was worth it," he said, reluctant to look away from the pad.
"It was shorter back then than it is now. Do you think I should cut it again?"
"No!" He protested vigorously. "Don't cut it. It's… it's so beautiful."
Jo admired those crooked shoulders for a long moment.
"You know what's funny, Jeff? If it were any other man sitting here right now, this would be the moment when either you or EDI would have interrupted with some message coming through."
For a few moments no one said anything, only the music played softly in the background
"I'm really glad you're here, Jeff," Jo told him gently. "You don't seem to be suffering so badly in my company either." She paused. His eyes met hers but he said nothing. She turned the chair he was sitting in, lifted one foot and placed it on the second armrest, trapping him between her spread legs. "Stay here tonight, Jeff." She said and leaned in to take away the datapad from him.
Joker tilted his head and looked at her like he was making a decision. She knew what it was from all he told her, but she hoped against hope that his answer would be different today than the times before.
Slowly, he placed his warm hands on her naked feet and pushed his fingers slightly beneath the hems of her trousers. She breathed in heavily. Had he made his choice? Because this felt nice, but she wanted more. Much more.
The playlist made the third turn since he came to her rooms and the song from the opera began playing again. There weren't that many songs on it to begin with.
Joker looked at her intensely now, heavily. He even bit his lips, as if fighting a fight with himself. Then suddenly he pushed himself out of the chair and leaned in, his crotch against hers. His hands captured her neck, and paused, taking a shuddering breath.
"O dolci baci, o languide carezze…" the song continued.
Jo wrapped her legs around his hips tightly and brushed the cap off his head to run her fingers through his hair and stubble.
"And never have I loved life more…" she smiled at him, when his lips came down to meet hers. And the whole world exploded in fireworks and dizziness. Her head spun so hard that she believed the two of them were floating, rising up to the ceiling in a heated dance of lips and hands. It was everything she'd ever dreamed of, and everything she thought she'd never have.
His lips were so soft on hers, and yet so angry, hungry, demanding, Jo was going insane. His whole body was hot, his elegant fingers dug into her hair, tilting her head to his liking. For a second he broke off the kiss, just to lean back a little and look into her eyes. Jo's ankles were firmly locked around his waist, and she was not going to let him go ever again. Her hands roamed his shoulders and neck, getting a feel of the man. His eyes sparkled, as he dove in to kiss her again, this time pushing his tongue between her lips and teeth. She moaned, opening her mouth to him and pulling him in for a deeper kiss. His stubble rubbed harshly against her face, and Jo loved every second of that. She gave herself completely into the feeling of their tongues mating inside her mouth. He was demanding, taking her firmly under his control and Jo almost cried with heavenly satisfaction.
He was so good. She was so doomed.
Joker wrapped one arm around Jo's neck, capturing her in his deep, demanding kiss, while his other hand travelled down to cup her breast. He moaned, when he realised that she wore no bra under the tank top. What that woman was doing to him couldn't possibly be legal. He squeezed her breast, deliberately causing her a little pain, and her desperate moan in response almost sent him over the edge. He could feel the soft, compliant woman melt in his arms. His woman.
This was the man Jo was in love with. The one who knew who she was and wasn't afraid of her. He had the guts to subdue her if he wanted to, and apparently he really wanted to. She'd never lost a sexual battle to a man before. And yet she'd never been happier to lose than right now.
"Don't stop, Jeff, please don't stop..." she gasped, once he broke the kiss again.
"Not in a million years," he whispered and grabbed the hem of her top to pull it over her head. She raised her arms and a second later she was naked above her waist. He stopped moving for a while and just looked at her.
"Sweet heavens, Jo... you look hotter than the hottest porn star..."
Jo bit down a grin of pleasure, his words sending a hot shiver down her spine and legs. Joker being Joker, his compliments were quite specific.
She tugged at the hem of his shirt, and helped him out of it. Finally, she got to see the body underneath those clothes. He was fair-skinned, had a triangle of reddish hair on his chest and a scattering of tattoos. Those were always covered by his uniform and Jo hadn't known about them. It was too dark in the room to really see the patterns, so she left the exploration for another time, when both of them weren't burning from inside with a desperate need for each other's bodies.
He wasn't as skinny as his poor eating habits suggested. His arms were well defined, his belly was muscled, and his pecs just begged for her hands and mouth on them.
"You're even more beautiful than I pictured you in my wildest dreams," she whispered, leaning in to run her tongue over his hardened nipple. He leaned closer to her and rubbed his crotch against hers, as his hands dug firmly into the flesh of her thighs. Jo hooked her fingers into the waist of his pants:
"Can we just skip the foreplay?" She asked, and he swayed a little at her words.
"You make me crazy, you know that?"
She began undoing his fly.
"How do you want me?" She asked him.
Joker paused for a moment. He knew what she was asking and why. He knew his limitations better than she did, and she needed the education to not injure him. And yet she managed to make it sound even more wanton, driving him to the edge of sanity. She was making him so hard that if he wasn't inside her in the next five seconds, he would blow.
"How do you like it?" he asked.
"With you? Any way I can get it."
"Then stay on this desk, just like this. I wanna see your face," he whispered and leaned over to sweep all the crap behind her off the surface. Pads, gadgets, tea cups, bottles with sleeping pills, even a framed picture rained to the floor and Jo slid off the edge for just enough time to get them both out of their remaining clothes.
He wore metal braces over his legs. She'd heard about them before but had never seen. It was so unmistakably him that the discovery wasn't even worth slowing down. She needed him right now, and she would have him, braces and all.
"Please, Jeff, pound me all the way," she whispered, hunger and need tearing her apart. In one move he helped her back onto the table and she lay backwards, giving him free reign of her body. Her legs wrapped around his waist and pulled him closer.
"You're a blast," he breathed heavily, running his hands over her front, her shivering belly, her ribs with an old bruise on the left and a fresh gunshot on the right, her medium sized breasts with hardened nipples begging for his attention, her neck and shoulders criss-crossed with thin orange scars, and back down to her hips. The soft hands of a pilot. He instinctively knew just how to touch her. Jo was getting dizzy, flying high, her body light and liquid, as she opened herself to him just like she always imagined.
She was his woman. He wanted to give her everything she deserved, make love to her slowly, deliberately, for hours, until she passed out from overwhelming pleasure, but he couldn't be slow right now if a gun was pressed to his head. He'd make love to her later, he swore to himself. When they were back from the Reaper Land. Right now he just wanted to fuck her, and he hoped she'd forgive him.
She wouldn't have to, he suddenly realised. Her words and her whole body demanded that he pounded her without a thought to gentleness. He'd never realised what a rush it would be, if a woman wanted the same thing as he did in bed. Needed, craved, begged for it.
Delaying any longer would kill him, he knew it. He steadied himself and thrust inside her in one move, up to the hilt.
Her back arched and she moaned loudly, almost like she was in pain. She was so damn fucking tight, he wondered for a moment if Cerberus hadn't restored her virginity as well. Bullshit. But he probably was her first since she'd been resurrected.
"Don't you dare stop now," she grunted. "Please, you can't stop now…"
Her wish was his command. He held on to her hips and gave her the ride she was begging for. Frankly, this was probably the only position he could do that without injury to himself. Except his bones were the last thing on his mind. The incredible, hot, slick, screaming woman he was sinking himself into time after time – that was what occupied his mind, body and soul.
Jo felt the desk shake under her, but couldn't make herself care. Joker pinched her nipple and rubbed his thumb against her sweet spot, as he moved in and out of her, and the sensations swept her away like a hurricane. She'd never felt this way before with a man. She'd never made love to someone so special to her.
Jo let herself fall, gave up control and thinking and just felt. Lived.
His thrusts became shorter, quicker, his fingers on her nipple caused real pain, and Jo came with a scream. As her whole body rippled, sending him into an orgasm of his own, Jo blacked out for a moment or two.
When she came back to, she was still convulsing in aftershocks, gloriously undone. Joker leaned down to rest his head on her shoulder, breathing fast and hard. Both sweaty and spent, they took a little while to cool down before they found it in them to relocate to the bed. For a while there were no sounds but their ragged breathing.
"Promise we will do that again some time soon," Jo lay on her back, still breathing erratically, her heartbeat going crazy, her body tingling all over.
"If you want to," he answered, powerless to do more than whisper.
"What I want is for you to want it, too."
"Ah, Johanna," he smiled and lifted his hand to run his fingers over her side. "I never wanted anyone like I want you."
"Same here. So promise me."
"I promise. If you survive this mission and come back. If you don't, I'll make a deal with every devil in the world to bring you back, so that I can kill you myself for dying on me again."
"You have no idea what I can do if I know you're waiting for me."
He gathered a fistful of her hair and leaned closer to smell it.
"So it's your shampoo," he said, satisfied. "I always wondered what that faint fragrance is around you."
"Well, yeah, because I sure as hell don't wear perfume," she chuckled.
"This is better than perfume. Apricot, reminds me of Earth. I'm glad you're not using any of those asari ointments from the advertising."
"Why?"
"Alien spices can never compare to what comes from our homeworld. You smell like home, Johanna. That inspires me more than any motivation speech I've heard in my life."
Jo held her breath for a few moments, relishing the feeling.
"That was the most… erotic thing anyone has ever said to me. Most wonderful and beautiful," she whispered.
"I have my moments," he whispered back.
"I can't believe how sleepy I am. I thought I wouldn't be able to close my eyes tonight, but I'm almost asleep…"
"That's a good thing, then."
"Jeff?"
"Hm?"
"Please don't sneak out while I'm asleep. Stay until morning."
"All right."
Joker felt her drifting off to sleep, as her hand slid around his waist and she settled in comfortably with her face against his ribs. His head spun. After months of agonizing insomnia she lay here naked, trusting, free, open and asleep. He'd done that. He suddenly felt ten feet tall and stronger, more powerful, than Napoleon, Alexander, Caesar and Hercules all together. For once he felt like more than a real man – he felt like a hero. The sensation bubbled inside him, made him want to beat his chest with a Tarzan cry, or something equally over-the-top-masculine, except his girl was asleep in his arms and she desperately needed the rest.
He would beat his chest some other time. Tonight he would guard her sleep, ward off her nightmares and just be with her. They were connected now, differently so than ever before. This feeling of not being alone in the world any longer, but coupled with this incredible person who needed him just like he needed her – it was worth all the trouble they would ever have to go through.
They were good together. The only thing truly standing between them was death. Not so much her first, as the potential second. She would have to pay the price for winning this war. She was the one. The only person in the galaxy to willingly accept this burden. And when she did, would he be able to survive without her, now that his heart was in her possession?
He wouldn't, he knew it. And it was okay. He didn't want to and didn't have to outlive her. She was this amazing person who accepted her fate as the galaxy's sacrifice, knowing no gratitude awaited her, no praise, no reward. He had been arrogant enough to accept that sacrifice until now, but in this moment he thought: why is she the only one? How pathetic is this galaxy and this cycle, if they could produce only one Shepard? Wouldn't anyone else, anyone at all, be as brave and selfless as she was? Wasn't this the right thing to do? It was easy for her. Easy to give all of herself for the sake of others.
He knew he could never do what she could. He was not a leader, but he was a good follower. She was a miracle worker. But he had his own role to play in this apocalypse, even if nobody ever learned of it. No gratitude, no reward. But it was the right thing to do. He could not be a second Shepard, but there was something he could do to ease the burden for this one. He could be there for her, no demands, no reproaches, no fits of jealousy, possessiveness or protectiveness.
She didn't need his protection in battle. He was not that kind of sidekick. He could never go macho on her. She didn't need him to take a bullet for her, she was more than capable all on her own. And the most horrifying thing was: he could never ask her to be careful, to not go on a suicide mission, to not give her all, to be less than who she was. He had no right to ask something like that of her.
His role was different. He could give her a few hours of desperately needed sleep. He could give her a chance to succumb to despair, weakness and frustration in a cruel galaxy that needed a strong, unwavering Shepard. He could give her a shoulder to cry on if she needed it, silent acceptance or never ending conversation, if she wanted it. He could be her safe haven and the only person in the whole world who wouldn't ask anything of her, who wouldn't make any demands.
Was he strong enough to live with those odds? Bring that sacrifice? Be with her knowing that on judgement day she would have to sacrifice their love and him to save the galaxy? Knowing that she had already chosen the greater good over him, no matter how in love she was now, no matter how short or long the reprieve?
He had to. If he was true to himself and true to what she saw in him, he knew he had to do this. Give her whatever strength she needed to continue fighting. Share her load. Ask the right questions. Ask no questions at all, when the time came. Give her his professional support and all of his heart with no strings attached. Was he man enough for that kind of sacrifice?
He had been running from this for years now, but not any longer. It was easy enough: he didn't have to survive loosing her a second time. Who could make him live? He was his own man and could make that choice for himself. When the time came and he gave her all she needed to pay the price and save the galaxy, he would join her in the afterlife. His life's work would be done and he would forever be with the woman that meant the world to him. It was easy.
He looked at her again and smiled. The decision was made and he knew in his heart that it was the right one. A huge weight disappeared from his heart. In the meantime he could have the heaven of her body in his arms, however long the "meantime" would be. He could be with her. Live each day, each minute in gratitude for another moment of happiness. And he would be selfless and righteous, just like she was. The galaxy would never know who he was, but it didn't matter. She was all that really mattered.
Jo woke up half an hour before the alarm clock. The gentle light from the fish tank illuminated the room and the mess everywhere around her. Jo stretched herself and delighted in the feeling of having had sex and seven hours of blissful uninterrupted sleep. In the next moment she noticed she was alone in bed.
"Fuckit, Joker, you promised…"
There was no sound of water in the shower, his clothes were gone, his side of the bed was cold. His side of the bed. It had been waiting for him all this time, and she had been keeping to her own side even without him next to her.
"I'm gonna break your leg," she cursed, when suddenly the door slid apart and Joker came in holding a tray with food. Jo relaxed. She was just a fool.
"Care to tell me why Garrus was in the mess hall, grinning at me so creepily?" He asked, placing the tray on her nightstand.
"Garrus? He knows about how I feel about you, he must have figured out where you're going."
"Damn aliens. They have their eyes everywhere."
"Thank you," Jo said, taking a sip of the pink juice.
"We're almost at the Omega 4 relay, EDI will notify us."
"How long do we have?"
"However long you wish. I don't think that attacking right before dawn for the element of surprise has much meaning in open space, you know?"
"Then we'll just go with our usual morning time. And that's still half an hour away."
"I know," he said, looking down at her.
"Come back to bed, I'm begging you…"
"Oh, I don't know…" He grinned. She reached out, grabbed his hand and toppled him over onto the bed. The tray with food shook dangerously as they tickled each other and laughed themselves silly.
Jo ended up on top of him, her legs caught between his hips. Using a moment, she ran her hands over his pants, feeling for the props underneath.
"What are you doing?"
"Trying how your braces feel under the clothes."
He gave her a strange look, suddenly very serious, almost scared, or perhaps accusatory.
"What? What did I say?" She asked cautiously.
"Trying out what it's like to be with a cripple?" He asked darkly.
"Cripple?" She asked, for a second genuinely surprised. Then she remembered. "Jeff, for heaven's sake, you're not a cripple. What kind of skanks have you been with before that you suspect me of all the deadly sins?" She lowered her head onto his chest, her hands still on the hinges of his props.
"The kind that would never let me forget that I wasn't a real man."
Jo shuddered, and snuggled tighter against him.
"You're the greatest, most fantastic, most fascinating man I've ever met, and the best thing of all is: you're my man. I want you to forget anything anyone else has ever said to you. I'm Commander fucking Shepard. Would you please trust me?"
"Your good opinion is not easily won," he nodded a little reluctantly. "And therefore more worth getting."
The alarm clock sounded, making them both groan.
"I could spend hours talking about all the things that make you so beautiful, magnificent and great, but now is not the time. Let's leave it at this: Jeff Moreau, I love you, I adore you and I worship you," she declared and kissed him before getting up and heading for the shower.
Joker watched her move around the room naked and frowned. She said those things without expecting to hear anything in return. He'd spent so much time refusing to admit that he loved her that he couldn't bring himself to say the words out loud right now, but she never even gave him a chance to try. It seemed he would have to hunt her down, twist her arm, tie her down and force her to listen to him once he was ready to say it.
