A few days later, Ino made her way to her second meeting with Deidara with a spring in her step because she was a genius.

"You look happy," said Deidara, watching Ino's jaunty approach.

"I am," said Ino, click-clacking her way to the table in her Louboutins.

"…Aren't you going to sit?" asked Deidara when Ino began to shuffle some papers out of a file.

"That won't be necessary. This won't take very long."

"What won't take long?"

"I told you I'm hot shit," said Ino, "and it's true. I pulled some strings, called in some favours, and settled your case out of court. You get to pay a fine – twenty grand – and do 500 hours of community service, but other than that you're home free."

Deidara looked at her with disbelief. "I'm not going to prison?"

"No," said Ino.

"Oh," said Deidara. There was a pause. "Thanks, I guess…"

"As soon as we sign these, we'll never have to see each other again."

Silence followed this news – excellent news for the two of them – so why the hell wasn't Deidara sounding happier? Ino looked up and asked, "Is everything okay?"

"Uh, no," said Deidara. "This is about to get awkward."

Ino rooted around her purse for a pen. "Hm? Awkward? Why?"

"Just…awkward," said Deidara. "You know, you lied to me. I'm hurt."

"I did…?"

"About who you are. You're not just a Yamanaka, you're one of the Yamanakas."

"Oh, that. You found me out. Congrats on your ability to Google me, or whatever…is there a problem?"

"No, it's not a problem," said Deidara. "It's actually more of a solution."

Ino was now initialing a handful of pages and only half-listening. "Mm? Solution to what?"

"Well. I was trying to get into that bank because I owe a lot of money to someone dangerous, and I was getting kinda desperate…"

"Is that so?" said Ino absently. "Well, you're going to have to find some other way to repay them. Preferably legal. Here, initial these for me; it'll be faster if we do it together…"

Deidara signed the pages that had been stacked in front of him, his handcuffs jangling against the table. There was something odd in the way he gripped the pen, Ino noticed in passing – but then, he was a leftie, and still wearing those worn black corduroy gloves, and also fettered by the cuffs, so she didn't give it more notice than that.

"So once I sign this stuff, I'm free to go?" asked Deidara.

"Yes."

"So no one here will kick up a fuss if I leave."

"No."

"Cool," said Deidara. "Hey, so – general question…"

"What?"

"How much do you think your father would pay to get you back safe and sound?"

"…What?"

"Like a million? Five million?"

Ino looked up from her papers and blinked.

"Hypothetically," said Deidara.

"I'm not sure I understand the question," said Ino. "Are you…threatening to hold me for ransom?"

"Nah…"

"Good. Now stop asking stupid questions and sign this so we can move on…"

"…It's not a threat," said Deidara as he signed the final document. "It's, like, happening. Right now."

Someone knocked on the door of the interrogation room. As Ino reached for the handle, the door was slammed open almost in her face.

"Christ – can't you be more careful?" she said to the police officer who had just walked in. "You almost hit me…"

The officer pushed past her without a word of apology.

"What are you–? What's going on?" asked Ino.

"Nothing to worry about," said the officer. "I'm here to take this guy back to his cell."

"I have fifty-five more minutes with my client, actually – and he's not going back to his cell, after–"

"I've got orders," said the officer.

"Orders…?" Ino gave the officer a good look. Red hair peeked out from under his cap. His face was unfamiliar to her. "That isn't how this works. Are you new here? I haven't seen you around before…"

"Yeah, I'm new here," said the officer with a little smirk.

And then Ino felt cold metal against her neck: the chain of a pair of handcuffs being wrapped around her from behind.

"Sleepy time," said Deidara's voice from behind her as the chain was squeezed across her throat.

Ino had time to swear and dig her nails into black corduroy before her vision began to tunnel.

And then things went very quiet and very dark.

VVV

When Ino came to, the world was a fuzzy and out of focus place, except for an ugly car door handle in her face.

"Ew," said Ino groggily. "Why am I in a Prius? I can't be seen in a Prius…"

"Hey, man, don't hate my ride."

"But it's a Prius…"

"Last time I tried to hotwire a Mercedes, it didn't go so well…"

"Hotwire a…?"

Ino shook her head and tried to remember what sequence of events had led to her being tied up in someone's back seat, trundling along in NYC traffic, discussing car theft. Something about that idiot Deidara, something about the red headed rude-ass police officer, and something involving her asphyxiation by handcuffs…

From where she was tied up and slung across the back seat, she could see black gloves on the steering wheel – and the back of Deidara's head.

Oh. Oh.

The shriek that followed Ino's sudden recollection was piercing enough to make the windows quiver.

"You abducted me?!"

"Ow, Jesus, my ears…"

"How dare you–!"

"Stop screeching…"

Ino strained at the zip tie looped around her wrists and then at the one that held her ankles together. When this proved fruitless, she shrieked again and kicked at the back of Deidara's seat for good measure. "I helped you. Why would you do this? Are you crazy?"

"No," said Deidara. "Just desperate."

"What are you doing…? You're going to hold me for ransom? This is ridiculous. This is real life, you idiot – you aren't in a movie where this shit works out! The police are going to find me, my father is going to find me, and I will see to it that you're imprisoned for life…"

"If I don't come up with the money within a week, I'm dead anyway," shrugged Deidara. "So – worth it."

"You're out of your mind if you think this would ever work…"

"I'm kinda out of options, here," said Deidara. "And I'm not ready to die. So buckle up and shut up, Ms. Yamanaka, 'cause you and me are going for a nice car ride, and then we're going to see how we can work this out with minimal pain to either party."

"Where are we going?"

"My place," said Deidara.

"What are…what are these things in the foot well?"

"Uh, don't touch them."

"Are they bombs?"

"…Also, don't light a cigarette or anything, okay?"

"Oh my god."

VVV

To be fair to the Prius, it had a decent sound system, one which was loud enough to drown out the rest of Ino's shrieks when Deidara turned it on. So Ino was forced to lie in the back seat in silence and contemplate her new life to the tune of Chumbawumba Tub Thumpin'.

Obviously, this was going to be over in a few hours. Ino had already established that Deidara was an idiot. He was in no way equipped, physically or mentally, to keep her as a hostage. He had said himself that this was a desperate venture, so, consequently, he wasn't well prepared – he was just a petty thief, not an expert kidnapper. She would be fine. Her disappearance would be noticed within hours…

Um, no. No, not necessarily hours, realized Ino, because tonight – Friday night – was the night she was supposed to drive off to Le Nordique Spa for a three-day getaway weekend of mineral baths and facials and massages. A getaway that she had booked to congratulate herself on finally finishing up with that dumb pro bono client of hers.

A client who was in the process of kidnapping her.

So that hadn't worked out very well.

Ino bit her lip, thinking of the out-of-office message scheduled to go up at five p.m. on her emails and her conversations with her friends about this wonderful spa where there was no internet allowed and so they oughtn't expect her to be responsive because she was going to be getting pedicures in the sun and eating organic grapes that were probably going to be peeled for her by sexy masseurs and…

"Goddamn," said Ino to herself.

But it might be okay. It might be. Because her phone was in her purse, and her purse, which had been on her shoulder when Deidara had strangled her (the asshole!), was now, unless she was mistaken, smushed under her feet. (This was a tragedy in many ways, because it was her favourite Chanel tote, but Ino was willing to set that aside for now.)

Ino kicked off one of her heels and stuck her foot into her purse, rooting around for her phone with her toes. She could feel her notebook, her pens, her tubes of mascara and lipstick, her sunglasses, her wallet – but where was her goddamn phone?

At that moment, Chumbawumba was interrupted by the shrill strings of Vivaldi's Spring emanating from somewhere in the front seat.

Which happened to be Ino's ring tone.

Which meant that Deidara had her phone up front.

"Sa-ku-ra Ha-ru-no," read Deidara as he muted the stereo and mercifully shut Chumbawumba up. "Friend of yours?"

"Yes," said Ino. "Pass it to me."

She saw Deidara roll his eyes in the rear-view mirror. "Really. You think I'm gonna do that."

"You're an idiot, so it was worth a shot."

"I'm not the moron who got her ass kidnapped by an idiot."

This was a valid point, of course, so all Ino could say was, "Fuck you."

Vivaldi died off and was replaced by the beeps of incoming texts.

"Aw," said Deidara. "She says she hopes you have fun at the spa."

Ino made a sound of frustration. "Quit reading my texts."

Deidara lapsed into silence, which made Ino suspicious. "…What are you doing? Are you…texting her back?"

"Yeah. Hey, do you capitalize your I's? You probably capitalize your I's, you're the anal type…"

"Wh–? I'm not anal. Capitalizing isn't anal. Also, you shouldn't text and drive. Don't you know the rules? You're going to get pulled over." Ino paused. "On second thought, keep texting."

Another beep: another text from Sakura.

"Heh. She hopes you meet a cute boy," said Deidara. "I'll tell her you already have, yeah?"

"Don't you dare," hissed Ino.

"How do you spell hunkalicious?"

"You ass!"

"Should I send her a selfie? I should send her a selfie."

"Pff. She'll know the minute you send it that something's up."

"Why?"

"Because I don't go for hippies." Ino paused again. "Actually. Yes. Send her a selfie."

In the rear-view mirror, Deidara's eyes narrowed in suspicion. "You know, I don't think I will."

Ino's phone beeped again.

"She says 'Be nice, the poor idiot has no idea what he's getting into.'"

"Well, she's right about the idiot bit, at least," said Ino.

"I'm gonna send her like, three eggplants, and a heart, k?"

"They're aubergines, and ew. You have no class."

"So the baguette, then? That's classier, right? It's French."

"Jesus."

There was another beep. "She says, see you next week, Pig."

"Great," said Ino.

"Who's Pig?" asked Deidara.

"Not me," said Ino.

"It's you. Why are you Pig?"

"I'm not."

"But why are you, though?"

"Are we there yet? I need to pee."

"Almost," said Deidara. "Hold it in, Pig."

VVV

They drove on for what felt like another hour. Night was falling. From her position in the back seat, Ino could only make out the tops of the buildings around them – buildings that were looking progressively more dilapidated as they drove.

She didn't know where they were, but it definitely wasn't Manhattan any more.

"Finally," said Ino when the car stopped moving and she heard Deidara pull it into park.

"Yeah," said Deidara. "Longest drive of my life."

He turned to Ino and held up something black-grey in the growing shadows. "Now we're going to get out. And you're going to behave yourself. Because this is going to be pointed at your right kidney all the way upstairs. Yeah?"

Ino squinted in the dark and ruined the drama of the moment by saying, "But what is it?"

"A gun," said Deidara with a degree of peevishness. "Obviously."

"Is it real?"

"Of course it's real."

"Is it loaded?"

"Yes."

"Fine," sighed Ino.

Deidara got out of the car and pulled open the back door. As he snipped off the zip tie that held Ino's ankles together, he asked, "Why are you missing a shoe…?"

"It fell off," lied Ino.

"Where?"

"Down behind the seat somewhere. I don't know. I can't see anything; it's too dark – and there's bombs…"

"Ugh."

Ino felt Deidara's weight against her legs as he shuffled around the foot well among the bombs (oh my god? She was going to die) to find her shoe. He found it after a lot of swearing and groping in the dark and shoved it onto her foot.

Then he slid Ino out of the back seat by her ankles, which was without a doubt her most undignified exit from a vehicle to date.

Ino clambered shakily to her feet with much grousing and much clinging onto Deidara with her zip tied hands. "Ouch – ouch, ouch, ouch."

"What?"

"Pins and needles in my feet–"

Deidara looked towards the night sky. "Do you ever stop complaining…?"

"It hurts, you ass, you tied me too tight–"

"Whatever. Let's go. This way." Deidara wrapped an arm around Ino and something firm and cold was pressed against her right kidney, as previously promised.

Ino took a step in the direction that Deidara was steering her in on numb feet – and promptly collapsed onto her knees.

Deidara pulled her up with a sigh so lengthy that he might have been starting to doubt the soundness of this whole kidnapping enterprise. "Pathetic."

And Ino was most certainly doubting it, because when she had fallen down she had almost landed on a used needle lying in the gutter. Beside it were a few gooey condoms.

"Disgusting," spat Ino.

"Oh my god, it's just a needle–"

"Just? A? Needle?" hissed Ino, clinging to Deidara's collar so that she wouldn't fall again. "And the condoms?! I almost just caught three kinds of AIDS…"

"Walk," said Deidara.

"I would if I could, like if I could still feel my feet…"

Deidara shook his head and half-carried Ino to the ramshackle high-rise that was, presumably, his place.

"This looks like a crack house," said Ino, looking up at the building with its faded graffiti and its missing windows. "Is this a crack house?"

Deidara opened his mouth. Then he closed it without saying anything.

"It is," said Ino, staring at him with fresh horror. "Oh god."

"It's fine," said Deidara, steering her up the walkway.

Ino was stricken with sudden concern at the sight of a large sign posted by the city on the building's door. "But – but this place is condemned."

"We have a small rat problem…"

"Rats? What? No. You live here?"

Deidara pushed her through the front door. "Yes. Get in. I don't need the whole neighbourhood seeing you, you stand out like a goddamn lighthouse around here…"

"I'm sorry I don't look enough like a crack whore to fit into your nasty neighbourhood," snarked Ino as she was shoved into the musty darkness of the entrance hall.

"Elevator on the right."

"An elevator. In this half-collapsed building. No. There's no way this thing's still up to code…"

The gun barrel pressed into the base of Ino's spine did not respond to her valid safety concerns about the elevator.

Its rusted doors couldn't even open on their own: Deidara had to wedge his hand in and pull them apart.

"Oh god, I can't," said Ino, digging in her heels.

"You are," said Deidara.

"This thing is a deathtrap," said Ino, looking into the tiny elevator's smelly interior with horror.

She turned and tried to make a break for it on wobbly legs and Louboutins not conducive to sprinting.

Deidara snatched her around the waist and shoved her into the elevator. "Get in. I'm not carrying you and your weak ankles up fifteen flights of stairs."

Illumination within the elevator was provided by an ancient lightbulb, a valiant survivor of the 1990s that flickered with a faint orange light.

"Literally a coffin." said Ino as the doors creaked shut. "I'm going to die here."

"Quiet."

The elevator shook, heaved, and rattled its way up a few floors like a thing on its last legs.

"I don't feel good," said Ino.

"What?" Deidara did a double-take at her face. "…Why are you so sweaty?"

"I might have mild claustrophobia."

"You might've mentioned this earlier…"

"I can usually keep it under control; it's not something I'm proud of…"

"You look like you're gonna hurl," said Deidara.

Ino swallowed hard. "Thinking about it."

"Face the corner. I don't need to see it. Jesus."

Ino faced the corner as instructed. "Hey, um?"

"What?"

"Is that a rat?"

"…Yes," said Deidara. "You can share your lunch with him."

"Oh my god."

A rusty ding announced their arrival on the fifteenth floor.

Deidara yanked the elevator doors open and Ino tumbled out, still in possession of her lunch, but it had been a near thing.

"Third door on the right," said Deidara. "Walk."

Ino made her way down the dim, dirty hallway for a few feet before coming to a sudden halt.

Deidara walked into her from behind and cussed into her bun. "For fuck's sake – what now?"

"I – look – there are bodies on the floor…"

"Just step over them."

"Are they dead?"

"No, just sleeping off a trip. Step over."

"If one of them grabs at me, I will scream."

"Go."

Ino's feet were beginning to regain sensation and her nausea was subsiding now that she was out of the elevator, so she was pleased to find she could step over the corpses without barfing on them or impaling them with a stiletto by accident.

Deidara reached past her to unlock his door. "Get in. Don't touch anything."

"I wasn't intending to," sniffed Ino. (As if she wanted to touch his gross possessions and catch some disease.)

He pushed the door open. Ino found herself staring at a bachelor pad that looked like a cross between an artist's studio and an explosives manufacturing facility. Canvasses of varying sizes leaned against the walls or were stacked up in piles, all featuring abstract art (aggressive swathes of colour, angry spatters of paint). Piled among the canvasses and paint cans were little boxes with blinky lights, bristling with wires, and grenades, and shells, and mortars, and other things that looked scary and explodey to Ino's untrained eyes. Tools and paint brushes were variously hung onto nails, stacked into messy piles, or scattered across the floor.

In one corner lay a bare mattress with a nest of blankets and clothes piled onto it. A makeshift kitchen stood beside it: a microwave, a mini-fridge, a table made of pallet wood, a sink.

A rat scurried past Ino's feet; she blanched.

"Christ. There's enough explosives here to blow up half the city. Are you actually a terrorist?"

"No," said Deidara. "I just make 'em and sell 'em."

"Is there a bathroom?"

"Yeah. At the back."

"Finally…can you take this off?" asked Ino, holding up her zip tied hands.

Deidara did not seem convinced of the necessity of removing the zip tie.

"Can't you just–?" he said, making some motions towards his crotch.

"I'm a girl," said Ino. "In nylons and the world's tightest goddamn pencil skirt. I don't have a – a little hose to pull out or a fly to pull it out of…!"

"Fine," sighed Deidara. He pulled out a knife and sliced through the zip tie. "If you're still gonna puke, you better clean up after."

"Clean up?" said Ino, having entered into the bathroom and found it just as hideously cluttered as the rest of the place. "Where is the toilet?"

"Under the litterbox," came Deidara's voice through the door.

"Why is there a litterbox on the toilet?" asked Ino as she removed the offending item.

"I'm trying to train my cat to use the toilet."

Ino peed, rinsed her hands in the thing that was probably supposed to be a sink, and came back out. "You have a cat? I thought you were just bullshitting me with that idiocy about the alibi…"

"Only half bullshitting you. I got him for the rats. He's over there…"

The cat was sitting on the microwave – a fat, fluffy orange thing with a protruding tongue and an absurd amount of whiskers. Between its paws sat a rat, but the rat wasn't dead. It was…cuddling with the cat.

"Your cat is broken," said Ino.

"I know," said Deidara. "His name's Sasori. Now sit your ass down and don't move. I gotta figure out my next steps, here."

"Sit where?" asked Ino, given that there were no chairs.

"Not on a bomb," said Deidara helpfully.

Ino picked her way across the floor to the mattress, checked it for discarded needles or gooey condoms (there were none) and sat down. "Pitiful. Why don't you have sheets? Or an actual bed, for that matter…"

"What do you think this is, the Ritz?" said Deidara, who was, for reasons that were unclear to Ino, stacking old newspapers onto the kitchen table ("table").

"This is barely livable," said Ino. "This is like – like a refugee camp…we're in New York, not Ethiopia…!"

"Yeah, thanks for pointing that out, you entitled one-percenter."

"I'm not entitled–"

Ino's defense of herself was interrupted when the rat jumped out from between the cat's paws and crept up to her.

"Get away," shrieked Ino, kicking at it.

Deidara tutted. "Now it's definitely gonna bite you."

Ino pulled her knees up and pressed her forehead onto them and resigned herself to her imminent death by rabies.

The sound of cutting made her look up. Deidara was at the table, by all appearances making crafts with newspapers and popsicle sticks and white glue and everything. He still had his gloves on, which seemed to be somewhat hampering his mobility.

"…What are you doing?" asked Ino.

"Ransom note," said Deidara. "Duh."

Ino stared. "You cannot be serious."

"Of course I'm serious."

"No one's used ransom notes for abductions since, like, the nineteenth century."

"Great. It's classic," said Deidara. "Besides, my handwriting is shit. Here's what I have so far."

He held up the collage for Ino's perusal, which said, by way of greeting, in block capitals, "DEAR RICH ASSHOLE FATHER OF INO."

This was ludicrous enough that Ino almost wanted to laugh but she was also scared and nervy and it might veer into screaming hysterics so she didn't. "You could just call my father and ask him for the money, you know."

"Really," said Deidara with a deadpan look. "You think I'm gonna do that."

"Why not…?"

"He's mister fuckin' telecoms. He'll have 300 people tracing the call the minute it comes in and he realizes something's up. Yeah. Not happening."

Ino sighed – it had been worth a shot.

The good news was that, once her ostensible getaway at the spa was over and her father didn't hear from her for a few days, he would be tracing her phone regardless, and that would lead him here, so she'd be stuck here at most for a few days…good, good.

This was going to be fine.

"So, how much does your dad love you?" asked Deidara as he cut out more letters from the newspapers.

"I beg your pardon?"

"Like, what do you think he'd give me for you – is five million too much?"

Her father would give up his entire fortune for her, obviously, but this cretin didn't need to know that.

"I don't know," said Ino.

"Let's make it five," said Deidara. "He can negotiate me down…"

"Why the hell do you need so much money?"

"I told you – I owe it to someone."

"But why so much? What did you do with it all?"

"Uh – bad decisions," said Deidara.

Silence fell as Deidara finished his ransom note. He held it up to her when it was done:

DEAR RICH ASSHOLE FATHER OF INO,

I HAVE UR DAUGHTER

ASSUME U LOVE HER (NOT SURE WHY; VERY ANNOYING)

IF SO, 5 MIL USD

TO MY SWISS BANK ACCT: 445-66784-2222-67754

OTHERWISE SHE DIES

THX

- KIDNAPPER

P.S. DO NOT CALL POPO

P.P.S. I HAVE NOT HURT HER BUT I WILL IF U CALL POPO

"He's obviously going to call the popo," said Ino.

"Then I'll have to hurt you," said Deidara. "Hey, if I lick this envelope, do you think they can, like, get my DNA?"

"Um, probably?"

"Hm. You lick it, then."

"No."

"Lick it," said Deidara, holding the envelope to her face.

"No."

The cold metal of the gun pressed into Ino's temple. "Lick it."

Ino gritted her teeth and reached for the envelope and licked it. "There, you fucker."

Deidara, looking pleased with himself, shoved the envelope into a bag by the door. Then he occupied himself with picking white glue off of his black gloves.

"Why the gloves?" asked Ino.

"'Cause," said Deidara.

"Oh," said Ino. "Prints."

"Right, prints," said Deidara. "I'm hungry."

Deidara dug out some fast food bags from the mini-fridge.

"You want?" he said, holding out a wilted burrito.

Ino stared at the offering. "You're feeding me old Taco Bell?"

"Yes. Problem?"

"Disgusting. Unhealthy. This is how fatties get fat."

"I'm not fat," said Deidara, stuffing the burrito into his mouth. "What do you want, something from the Whole Foods salad bar?"

He cracked up, like this was some kind of hilarious joke.

"Yes," said Ino seriously.

Deidara paused in his laughing and looked at her with half a burrito sticking out of his mouth. "Wow, you're being for real right now."

"Um, yes? You think I'm going to eat this garbage?"

Deidara resumed his chewing. "Too bad your princessy ass is a hostage and Taco Bell's the only thing on the menu."

He tossed her a second burrito and Ino, unsure of when her next meal would be, peeled it open. She picked out the tomatoes, lettuce, and guacamole, and ate those.

"You're not gonna finish?" asked Deidara when Ino had eaten about 40 calories of vegetables and begun to toss bits of meat to the rat and the cat.

"No. I don't eat nasty mystery meat."

"It's beef."

"It's ground-up roadkill."

Deidara stared at her in a judgy way, like she was just demonstrating again how much of a prissy one-percenter she was, and ate the rest of her burrito before the cat could steal it.

VVV

Midnight rolled around. Ino slumped back against the wall and found herself fighting to keep her eyes open. She had dozed off here and there and woken up with little starts, expecting to find herself back in her office, ready to laugh at her weird kidnapping dream.

Unfortunately, it was still real.

Deidara, who had been tinkering with some WMD or other in a corner, got to his feet and yawned. "K. I'm wiped. I gotta sleep. How do I do that without you running away?"

Ino shook her head. "You really haven't thought this through, have you…?"

"No," said Deidara. "It was kind of an impulsive decision…bad habit of mine…"

He rustled around in a box filled with white plastic strips in the corner.

"Not more zip ties," said Ino, watching him approach with dread.

"Yes more zip ties," said Deidara.

"Make them looser this time," said Ino.

"No."

"But if I get, like, gangrene, my father won't pay to get me back…"

"If I make them looser you'll be able to walk," said Deidara as he looped one of the zip ties around her ankle. "Which means you could escape while I'm sleeping. Or…"

"Or…?"

"There," said Deidara, securing the other end of the zip tie around his own ankle. "Problem solved."

"How is this 'problem solved'?" asked Ino, observing the arrangement with violent cynicism.

"'Cause this way it's not as tight around your ankles, but I'll feel it if you try to get away," said Deidara. "Duh."

"This is the stupidest idea I've ever heard of."

Deidara lay down beside her on the mattress. "If it's stupid and it works, it's not stupid."

In a matter of minutes, Deidara was out like a light – and sleeping hard. He didn't react to any of the creepy nighttime noises that kept spooking Ino awake: the screams, the bumps, the deluded rambling from the guy next door, the corpses in the hallway coming back to life and having a fist fight…so yes, he'd been right to tie them together, because apparently he could sleep through anything.

The scissors that could've freed Ino from this stupid zip tie were on the kitchen table, well out of reach from the mattress. Ino stared at them where they glinted in the bit of moonlight that filtered through the window, taunting her.

She settled onto her side, stared into the darkness, and wondered when a rat would come eat her face off.

Something skittered in the shadows just as she had that thought. Ino backed into Deidara, biting back a scream.

It was just the stupid cat. He wandered over, his eyes reflecting greenly at her in the darkness, purring even as he approached.

"Go away," whispered Ino.

The cat purred more loudly and brushed himself along her.

"Ugh, you're infested with rat fleas," hissed Ino.

The cat settled himself in the V formed by Ino and Deidara's joined legs.

"I'm going to catch the plague," said Ino to the darkness.

Then the absurdity of her own pronouncement hit her and she giggled to herself in the dark.

Oh Jesus Christ. Was this real life, right now? Was she really in a crack house, zip tied to her kidnapper, talking to a cat, and giggling?

This was all just a bad dream. Everything was going to be okay. She was fine. She was unhurt. Deidara was a bumbling idiot, maybe, but not a serial killer or a rapist or a murderer. Just a moron in debt who was desperate to get out of it and who thought that she'd be his meal ticket. This was fine. He'd get the ransom money and then they'd go their separate ways. Or, more likely, he'd bungle this up and she'd have an opportunity to escape or call the police. He was clueless. She was smart. It was going to be okay…

Ino drifted into an uneasy doze as Deidara slept open-mouthed next to her.

She was awakened by his rude poking at her shoulder at 4:00 a.m.

"What?" said Ino, who was never in a good mood upon awakening, much less when she was sleeping on a shitty mattress on the floor still in her work clothes with her leg pulled behind her at an uncomfortable angle because Deidara was trying to get up.

"I gotta pee," whispered Deidara.

"So untie us and go pee," said Ino.

"No," said Deidara, "'cause then I have to tie you up to make sure you don't escape while I pee and I don't wanna waste another zip tie."

"Just use another stupid zip tie, god…"

"No. I have a finite supply."

"…I'm not coming with you to pee."

"Yeah you are," said Deidara.

"No," said Ino.

Deidara got up and began to walk to the bathroom, which meant that Ino was being dragged across the mattress by her ankle. She yelped and scrambled to her feet just before her head hit the floor.

"You douchebag," she said as they did an awkward three-legged shuffle to the bathroom.

She turned away while Deidara took a half-asleep leak.

As she glared at the dirty wall, Ino realized that she, too, needed to pee.

"I need to go," said Ino when Deidara had flushed and it was safe to turn around again.

"So go," said Deidara.

"I'm not peeing with you right here, attached to my foot," hissed Ino.

"So piss your pants. I'm going back to bed. Bye," said Deidara, making for the door.

"Fine, fine…" said Ino.

Then she sat on the toilet with one leg extended to where Deidara stood, facing away from her, and an awkward silence fell.

"Jesus, what's taking so long?" said Deidara after a long moment of this. "I thought you needed to go."

"I can't just pee while you're standing here, oh my god…"

Deidara limped towards the sink and almost pulled her off the toilet. "There. Water's on. Now go."

The water worked. Ino had the most uncomfortable pee of her life and they did the awkward three-legged shuffle back to the mattress.

"I hate you," said Ino as she lay down.

"I hate you," said Deidara as he lay down next to her. "Now shut up. If all goes well you're gone by tomorrow and I'm five million richer and I can go on with my life."

"Good," said Ino. "And I can go on with my life without a new disease or having to piss with the world's biggest douchebag attached to my foot."

"Good."

"Good."