Ino woke up starving because last night's teaspoon of shredded lettuce and tomato hadn't provided much sustenance. It was, judging from the sunlight that streamed through the grimy windows, close to eight a.m.
Deidara was still sound asleep next to her. Ino studied his sleeping face for a moment: he seemed quite peaceful, dreaming away there, with a balled-up sweatshirt under his head because she had stolen the sole pillow at some point during the night.
But he wasn't allowed to be peaceful, not when she was starving. Also, he was a kidnapper.
"Wake up," whispered Ino.
Nothing happened. Ino shook Deidara's shoulder and still he didn't stir. So she poked at his chest and, when that didn't work, she tugged at a strand of his hair.
"Wow," said Ino in her normal voice. "Did you die?"
There was no response from Deidara.
"WAKE UP," shouted Ino into his face.
Still no reaction. So Ino decided to take matters into her own hands and started dragging her way towards the table to fetch the scissors.
Deidara wasn't particularly big or tall, but he was a hell of a dead weight. Ino dug her fingers into the waistband of his pants and dragged him along with her towards the table. For a moment he seemed to wake up, because he stirred and said, "S'not time yet," and Ino froze, but then he fell back asleep.
Sasori the cat meandered over in his pudgy whiskery way, watched the proceedings with interest for a moment, and then, purring, sat himself in the middle of Deidara's chest.
"Get off, you turd, he's heavy enough," said Ino, swatting the cat away.
The cat turned so that Ino's swat became a long pet and avoided her subsequent attempts to brush him off. Ino made an inarticulate sound of annoyance before she decided to cut her losses and dragged both of these inert wastes of space across the room.
"Finally," she breathed when she was close enough to reach the scissors. She snatched them up, intending to make quick work of that zip tie and then getting the hell out of here.
She almost jumped out of her skin when she turned back towards Deidara and found him staring at her.
"Give me those," said Deidara, motioning for the scissors.
"No," said Ino. "Don't move, or I will stab you with them."
"Fine," said Deidara, and he didn't move.
Ino held up the scissors in what she hoped was a threatening manner. Then, since Deidara hadn't moved, she bent down and started to cut away at the zip tie. Where was his gun? If she could reach the door before he could reach that…
Deidara didn't let her get far with her cutting before he snapped his leg outward, pulling Ino's ankle out from under her.
"Ow," said Ino as her knees hit the floor hard for the second time in so many days.
Then Deidara kicked the scissors out of her hands so she was left kneeling, glaring, and armed with nothing but anger. "Dickhead."
"Back to the bed," said Deidara, looking equally pissy as he grabbed the scissors.
"No," said Ino.
"Yes," said Deidara, limping away and dragging Ino along with him.
"It's not even a bed," said Ino when she'd been dumped back onto the mattress.
"Shut up."
"What are you–? No, not my hands – not my hands," said Ino when Deidara pulled out another goddamn zip tie from a pocket.
"Yes your hands," said Deidara.
"No," said Ino, holding her hands behind her.
"Yes," said Deidara.
Some wrestling ensued.
Ino sucked at it.
A minute later, she found herself kneeling on the mattress, her wrists pulled in front of her and zip-tied to the radiator.
Deidara stood up and snipped away the one that still bound their ankles together.
"Jerk," spat Ino.
"If you'd behaved yourself, I wouldn't have had to do that," said Deidara. "Now I'm showering. Stay put."
"I'll scream," said Ino.
"Go ahead," said Deidara. "It'd be a weird morning around here if there wasn't some woman screaming…"
Ino didn't believe Deidara and called his bluff by screaming her lungs out the minute she heard him get into the shower. She screamed fire, she screamed that she was being kidnapped, she screamed that she was being murdered, she kicked at the radiator…
Her only response was the dude next door telling her to shut the fuck up through the wall. He also informed her, with words that were hideously unkind given her predicament, that he'd come over there and really give her something to scream about if she didn't stop.
He sounded large and slightly crazy, so Ino stopped screaming. Instead, she leaned her head against the radiator and cried because she was scared and angry and – this was the rarest and most painful feeling of all – powerless right now.
"How'd the screaming work out?" asked Deidara ten minutes later as he waltzed out of the bathroom.
"Fuck off."
"Not so good, huh?"
"Fuck off."
"…Have you been crying?"
Ino didn't answer him and faced the wall.
She felt Deidara's hand pat her back. "Hey, man, do you want to talk about it? You know I'm always here for you."
Ino shrugged his hand off angrily. "You're not funny. And don't touch me."
"Suit yourself."
"I'm here because of you…!"
"Yep," said Deidara. "I'm hungry. You want burritos for breakfast?"
"No."
"I also have Eggos."
This didn't actually sound that bad to Ino – well, it was bad because it was disgusting cardboard-paste food that she'd never normally eat, but it wasn't old-burritos bad, so Ino didn't outright reject the idea, until she found out that Deidara's preparation methods involved putting the frozen waffles in the microwave.
"What?" he said when he noticed her look of shocked disapproval.
"You're microwaving them? Doesn't that make them all nasty and soggy?"
"Does it look like I have a toaster?"
"I can't believe you live like this," said Ino.
"There's worse."
"This is pitiful. I will buy you a goddamn toaster."
"I don't need charity from the likes of you."
Deidara flopped a warm mushy waffle onto a paper plate and presented it to Ino.
"Ew," said Ino.
"God, you're picky," said Deidara, plopping himself onto the mattress next to her and eating the waffle himself. "I hope your dad comes through fast 'cause I don't really know how I'm supposed to keep you alive for more than forty-eight hours at this rate."
He chewed and looked at her thoughtfully. "Reminds me of that time I stole that white peacock from that rich guy's house."
"Why would you even steal a peacock?"
"'Cause I like pretty things and it was pretty. And expensive. And I might've been high."
"What happened to it?"
"It died."
"Um. Why?"
"'Cause it wouldn't eat or drink anything. Like you. It died before I could sell it. Also maybe like you."
"Great," said Ino.
"There's food right here," said Deidara, wiggling the floppy waffle at Ino like she was some kind of bird he was trying to entice.
"No," said Ino.
Deidara shrugged and finished the gross waffle.
"I'm thirsty," said Ino.
"I have water or…water."
"Water is fine."
Deidara got up, rustled around the fridge, and found a bottle. He tossed it at her.
"Don't thr–," said Ino as the bottle made a graceful arc towards her and her useless zip-tied-to-the-radiator hands.
The bottle hit her in the boob.
"Whoops," said Deidara with a wince. "My bad…"
Ino glared at him. "Untie me so I can drink."
"So you can threaten me with scissors as soon as my back is turned? No."
To Ino's annoyance, he knelt beside her, opened the bottle, and held it to her mouth. To her further annoyance, she was too thirsty to fight him about it. So she drank and stared icy daggers at him.
"Hey," came a voice out of nowhere.
Deidara sprung to his feet. "Jesus. Can't you goddamn knock like a normal person?"
"No."
The speaker was the red headed fake police officer from the day before. Ino stared him down from her undignified position on the mattress, because he was a horrible person who impersonated an officer of the law, and also, he had been rude to her.
"She's still here?" said the red-haired man.
"Duh," said Deidara. "Wrapping it up today, I hope."
"This was a bad idea."
Deidara was gathering up some packages wrapped in brown paper. "I wanted your help, Sasori, not your opinion."
"It was a very bad idea."
"If you have a better idea for how I can make five mil in a week, you haven't exactly been forthcoming about it, have you?"
"I'm not the one who was dumb enough to get into debt with Kakuzu," said Sasori.
"Great. So fuck off and let me solve my problems how I see fit." Deidara handed the packages to Sasori. "That's the Otogakure order. They're paying cash. Count it – I don't trust those bastards."
"I know," said Sasori. He hefted the packages under one arm, gave Ino a last look, said, "A very bad idea" again, and left.
"…I thought Sasori was the cat's name," said Ino when he was gone.
"It is," said Deidara.
"But…?"
Deidara turned to where the cat was cleaning itself. "Sasori. Stop licking your asshole."
Then Deidara burst into laughter all by himself, like this was the most hilarious, witty thing in the world.
"I see," said Ino.
Deidara pulled out his phone. "I'm gonna drop off that ransom note. Where's your dad's office, again?"
"Wall Street and William. And I hope security catches you and hurts you."
"Cool, cool," said Deidara. "Lemme catch up on the news and I'm gonna go…"
He lapsed into silence, scrolling away at his phone here and there while Ino watched jealously because she was so close to being able to dial 911 but he was just out of reach and her hands were tied.
"Huh," said Deidara after a while.
"What?"
"Hm," said Deidara.
"What? What is it?"
"Weird."
"What's weird?" said Ino, edging closer to him as far as her zip ties allowed.
"Someone's put out a hit on your dad," said Deidara.
Ino was stunned into silence as she parsed this sentence.
Then, with a shriek: "What?!"
"That's some funny fuckin' timing," muttered Deidara.
"Show me!"
Deidara turned his phone to Ino. She scanned through the text on the screen: Ten million for Inoichi Yamanaka's death, "accidental" preferred, to be paid in full upon delivery of evidence.
"Oh my god? Is this for real?"
"Yeah, it's real," said Deidara.
"But how? It's like a message board? On the internet? For killing people?"
"The dark web. We poorsies and criminals use the internet too, you know…and not only for porn. You can order heroin or sex or assassinations or…worse things. Anyway, who wants your dad dead?"
"I don't know?!" gasped out Ino, rereading those horrible lines about "accidental" preferred. "This is terrible? We have to do something?!"
"We? Yeah, no."
"But–"
"Shit," interrupted Deidara, as though seized with a realization. "If your dad dies, who's gonna pay for you?"
"That's your takeaway, here?!" shrieked Ino. "My father is going to be killed…"
"Or," said Deidara, rubbing his chin and ignoring her, "if I kill him, I get the ten million, and I don't have to deal with you; I can just dump you in the river…"
"You…!" sputtered Ino, pulling powerlessly at her zip tie, which she would be strangling him with right now, if only she could reach.
"Or!" said Deidara, perking up like he'd just had the world's brightest idea, "Even better: I ransom you, get the five million, then I kill him and get the ten million…"
"Deidara!"
He looked up to find Ino staring at him with crazy eyes, practically foaming at the mouth, and almost bleeding at the wrists from pulling at the zip tie.
"Jesus, I was joking," said Deidara, visibly taken aback. "I don't kill people. I'm just a weapons dealer…I don't even kidnap people; you're a stupid exception that I'm regretting more every minute…"
"Good," said Ino, reducing her foaming only slightly.
"Now stop pulling like that. I don't want your blood on my mattress…gross…I might get AIDS…"
Ino was too flustered to even respond to this ridiculous statement. "But what's going to happen? What about my dad? Who put the hit on him? Why?"
"Dunno," said Deidara, reading through the post again. "People don't generally advertise the who and the why, you know; it kind of gets in the way of the whole anonymity thing…"
"I need to find out," gasped Ino, "I need to get out of here and warn him–"
"Stop hyperventilating," said Deidara. "He's not going to get killed in the next five minutes, Jesus. These things take weeks, if not months…"
"I need to call the police – the FBI – I need to get him protected – who's paying ten million? I'm going to find out and I'm going to kill them myself – how dare they – I'll do it with my bare hands–"
"Calm down…"
"Give me your phone. Give me your phone."
Deidara took a step away from Ino and looked at her and her wild eyes and her desperation like he was seeing her in an entirely new light. "Wow. You really care about your dad."
"Obviously," hissed Ino. "Now stop dicking around–"
"You can't tell your dad. Or call the police."
"Why not? I need to do something…"
"Because whoever's paying ten million for a job like this is rich enough to have agents in their pockets with all of your little law enforcement friends," said Deidara. "You don't want them to know that you know yet. That would be a mistake."
"So what do you suggest I do…?"
"Not my problem," said Deidara with a shrug. "I'm gonna stick to my original plan and get the cash for you and then…you do whatever. Tell your dad, call the police, call the FBI."
"But you just said I shouldn't do that!"
"Free advice," said Deidara, heading to the door and slinging his bag on his shoulder. "Use it or don't, I don't care. I'm gonna keep well out of this one…ten million…someone really wants him dead…"
"Wait!" said Ino when Deidara opened the door.
"What?"
Ino scrambled to put together the beginnings of some kind of plan. "Do you want the ten mil?"
"I'm not killing Inoichi Yamanaka, so no."
"But if you save him…!"
Deidara turned towards her. "I don't know where you think you're going with this, little lawyer girl, but…keep talking."
"If you save him – help me find out who wants him dead, with your – your connections to the underworld, without me having to go to the police…"
"The 'underworld'," repeated Deidara with air quotes.
"Yes, with all the criminals and the mafia and the other nasties that you know and I don't–"
"Hold up," said Deidara. "I distinctly remember you telling me that I could never offer you connections you'd ever need to use…"
"I was wrong," said Ino.
"Do you ever admit you were wrong? I feel like this is a special moment."
"No," said Ino with a glare. "Because I'm never wrong. Except I was, okay? You're right. Ten million is a shit ton of money. So someone with a shit-ton of power is after him. So I'll take your advice and–"
"You'll take my advice?"
"–Yes, I will. I won't go to the police or tell my dad yet, if you don't think that's the best way – okay? Because he'll go straight to the cops. And obviously, you know better than I do about the – the mentalities of criminals and psychos who hire assassins…"
Deidara was looking at her askance.
"I need your help," continued Ino. "Help me get a name, find out who did this, and I'll make sure you're rewarded. My father will pay you as much as you could possibly want–"
"I don't think so," said Deidara. "I just want my five mil for you and I'm home free. I'm not getting involved in this shit. You know who pays ten million for a hit? The big fucking leagues. I don't know who your dad pissed off but I'm not getting involved."
"Please."
"Nah," said Deidara, reaching for the door again. "I'm just a failure of a petty criminal, remember? Five million sets me up for life. Whatever happens after that isn't my problem. Bye."
"Stop. Please. What else can I offer you? Is there anything?"
Deidara looked at her.
"Anything," repeated Ino.
"This is making me really uncomfortable," said Deidara after a beat.
"Oh my god," said Ino, "I wasn't, like, offering to blow you right here, I meant in terms of money or whatever else…?"
"Yeah, not like I'm letting you and your sharp fuckin' tongue anywhere near my dick," said Deidara. "But, no."
"Please."
"No."
"I don't know anyone else who could help me–"
"You're a lawyer. Don't you know hundreds of lowlifes like me?"
"I put them behind bars," said Ino. "You were an exception because of those stupid goddamn pro bono hours and I needed a case and I didn't have time to be strategic about which one – a decision which I will regret forever – so I got saddled with you, and now, somehow, you're my best hope for helping my dad and you're bailing on me for five million, when he'd easily throw you the ten for saving his life…!"
Ino sank into silence, too breathless to continue.
"…Would he really?" asked Deidara.
"It's not my money," said Ino, "but I think so."
Deidara pushed the door closed. "Fuck. Now I need to think about this."
"Yes," said Ino. "Thank you."
Deidara re-joined Ino on the mattress, crossed his legs, and put his chin in his gloved hands.
"So you'll–"
"Shh," said Deidara. "I'm thinking."
