"Huh, looks like you've recovered," a familiar voice filled Jo's ears. She opened her eyes to see Admiral Hackett in front of her. The vision of a destroyed solar system in her mind was replaced by the man who made sure she was the one having it.
"Hackett," she pursed her lips. She was not in a good mood right now. "What are you doing on my ship in person? I didn't give permission to dock."
"Your first officer said you're unfit for duty and that he's relieved you of command."
"My first officer is on Palaven with his family."
"Moreau? Pretty sure he isn't."
"Oh," Jo nodded absently. She was being kind of slow. "Yes, I suppose the circumstances make him my first officer. He let you on the ship?"
"Under the hostile boarding protocol." Hackett sounded a little amused now. A little.
"Yes, the strangest people turn out to be indoctrinated these days, Hackett. Old friends and such."
"How are you feeling? You went through hell down there," the old man asked.
"The hell you sent me into, Hackett."
"Yes, you went out there as a favour to me, so I decided to debrief you in person. I sent you to free Amanda Kenson from prison, then a mass relay exploded and destroyed an entire batarian system. I hope you can fill in the leap of logic between those two events."
She told him. Everything. Like a confession.
"You believe the Reaper invasion really was a threat?" Hackett walked across the room and turned his back to her. Jo hated feeling like this. Situations like these.
"If only you knew, Hackett, how sick I am of all this. How many times have I come out of some shithole and was the only one who knew what happened? How many times was I forced to make some horrific decision for the greater good and had no proof to justify my actions? I'm so tired of nobody believing me." Jo felt a moment of unbearable tiredness. But the man in front of her would not see her weakness, she'd never allow it. She squared her shoulders: "However, I stand by my actions. I know what I did and why I did it. Question is: what happens now?"
"I won't lie to you, Shepard," Hackett turned to her. "The batarians will want blood and there is just enough evidence for a witch hunt. We don't want war with the batarians, not with the Reaper threat. You did what you did for the best of reasons, but there were more than three hundred thousand batarians in that system, all dead."
"I know." Jo nodded. "But Kenson was about to bring the Reapers right on top of our heads. Those 300 thousand lives are as much your responsibility as they are hers and mine. You could have sent someone else in there. There are one hundred and fifty six N7s in the galaxy aside from you, me and Anderson, most of them on active duty, and thousands of lower numbers of N. Forty eight of those N7s are working undercover missions and each and every one of them is qualified to infiltrate a prison on a hostile planet, retrieve a prisoner and oversee a covert operation's completion. Yet you asked me. The one person in the galaxy the Reapers know by name and would go to great length to get alive. What were you thinking?"
"You're the only one who knows anything real about the Reapers, Shepard. You are the only one who could have verified her information."
"Which makes me the greatest asset this galaxy has, and the best candidate for a scapegoat. You used me before, Hackett. I swung the axe for you and I took the responsibility. Eight human cruisers. Twenty turian ones. All to save the Council. A decision, just like the one I made at Aratoht. You keep forcing me to make these decisions for you, Hackett. I hope you remember that you owe me for each and every one of them. And payback will come."
"Be that as it may, you will have to come to Earth eventually and face the music. I can't stop it, but I can and will make them fight for it. The batarians have been looking for an excuse to wage war on us since we showed up in the galaxy."
"I'll come to Earth and I will face the shitstorm. But you had better stand by me in this, Hackett."
"I'll do the best I can, Shepard. I'm glad working with Cerberus didn't strip you of your sense of honour."
Jo jerked, her eyes shooting bullets at him:
"I'm an N7 Lieutenant Commander Spectre, Hackett. I can not afford honour, not with the things I have to do every day. But I do have a sense of duty. My duty is to the galaxy. I'll come to Earth and take part in the monkey circus, but when the time comes, I'll be seeing to my real duty."
"Do what you have to. But when the Earth calls, you make sure you're there with your dress blues on, ready to take the hit."
"I'm not an Alliance officer, I don't have any dress blues. Earth can prosecute me as a civilian, since I'm sure the Council has already revoked my Spectre status because of this incident, but the Alliance has no authority over me."
Hackett sighed a little. They'd been butting heads over this for years now, since the battle against Sovereign. She was annoying him, she knew it. And yet he kept asking her for favours. Jo had no doubt that he would let her fall if he didn't need her as a scapegoat. Perhaps it wasn't so wise to be antagonising him, but Jo had had enough of the Alliance and their two-faced deals. At least Cerberus admitted openly to using her as a tool. Alliance had the nerve to appeal to her honour.
"I must be on my way, Shepard. Come to Earth when you're ready."
Hackett left the ship and returned to Orizaba. Jo shook off the shell shock and went to the cockpit.
"Lieutenant First Class," she addressed Joker. He got out of his chair and stood at attention. "I relieve you."
He saluted with a proper, trained to perfection gesture of an officer:
"I am relieved."
She didn't say anything else about his taking over the command. He'd found her unfit for duty and had to do what he had to do. She was grateful that he could tell when she was too upset. The last time she was declared unfit was after Akuze.
And now she could see in Joker's face how relieved he was. Not of his unwanted command. He was relieved to see her up and about again.
The five of them gathered in the mess hall.
"So, what are we going to do now, Commander?" Gabby asked solemnly.
"I promised to go to Earth when I'm ready. Once I dropped you all off at some safe location, I'll take a shuttle to Earth and give myself up."
"What?" Joker got to his feet, looming over her. "You want to ditch me? All of us?"
"It's better for you all if you don't take part in this public lynching. I'd better do this by myself. I'll feel better knowing you're all safe."
Joker slammed his palm on the table loudly, just hard enough not to break his hand:
"No fucking way. I'm not letting you go alone. Who do you think you are, making that kind of decision for me?"
"Commander, I'm not leaving you, either," Chakwas said. She was quieter than Joker, but not in any way calmer.
"Me neither," Gabby said and Ken nodded:
"Same here."
"You really shouldn't," Jo protested.
"We're not asking. We're telling." Joker sounded adamant. Jo looked up at his angry face. He wasn't going to leave her. He never had and he wasn't going to start now. Through death, through suicide mission, through public disgrace. A tight knot in her guts relaxed. She'd had friends, great friends, but she could make sure that friends saved themselves and let her protect them in this situation. She could not do the same with Joker. He was more than a friend, he was her lover and her love. Even she hadn't realised what that meant until now. She would never have to be alone again. He would be there even if she wanted to spare him the pain. She had someone to truly lean on.
She gave up. How could she try and convince any of these people to save themselves, when the same solution was not even an option for her?
"Just tell me one thing. Why do you want to give yourself up in the first place?" Joker asked. "We could find a place where no one ever finds us if we don't want them to."
"If we run, the whole galaxy will open a hunting season and concentrate on us instead of the real threat. I know, nobody believes us, but if I give myself up and start telling the story publically, at least they'll be warned, they won't be too surprised when the time comes. I hope. I need people to trust me, to believe in me, I need them to know I'm always trying to do what's right. If I run, they'll condemn me, mark me as a terrorist. But when the time comes and the invasion begins, I need people to see me as a beacon of hope, it's our only chance to fight the Reapers as a united galaxy. It'll be difficult, sure. We'll be locked up, treated like the worst of criminals, there will be attempts on my life, public lynching of galactic proportions, lots of hate, and it will affect you guys, too. All I can say is: let it wash over you. No dirt can stick to you permanently, it can all be washed off. Think of the bigger picture. Think of the fools who hate us now but will be begging for our help when the husks are chewing on them. Think of those poor, stupid, blind sheep who need saving."
"And you're the shepherd," Chakwas nodded.
"I forgive them for hating me because I know something they don't. No matter how much the herd hates their shepherd, the shepherd still knows what's best."
They sat in silence for a moment. It was a harsh way to see the world, but they'd been with her for a long time and knew the truth behind her words. Even the Normandy crew, while not exactly being sheep, followed her blindly into any shit. Even they knew that she knew what was best.
"Take us to Liara's base," she said eventually. "And guys? Thank you."
"You bet, Commander," Donnelly said. He and Gabby went to Engineering, Chakwas remained in the mess and Jo followed Joker to the cockpit.
"Okay, Jo, I'm acting all brave and all, but… what's going to happen?" Joker asked her quietly as he set course.
"Well," she made herself comfortable in her favourite spot. "I keep telling Hackett I'm not an Alliance officer, but if I go to Earth and give myself up, I will acknowledge Alliance's power over me. Can't expect any help from the Council, even if I'm a Spectre. Actually, something tells me I'm not even a Spectre anymore. Alliance will get their claws in me and they will drag me through every pile of shit and dirt they can find. They will make an example of me, a very public disgrace, to appease the batarians. By affiliation with me you'll get your share of it, too. They'll put me in the brig, no doubt, will question me, try to make me admit to working for Cerberus, being a terrorist, you know, the usual deal. Hackett is on my side right now, but I have too many enemies inside humanity and the Alliance to expect any fair treatment. I'll be lucky not to fall victim to some assassination attempt. And then the Reapers will come and the Alliance will have to let me go, they'll make me sacrifice my life for them again, and they'll claim I was a true hero when I'm dead. That's what's going to happen."
"That was uncalled for," Joker said coldly from his seat.
"It's the truth."
"You're in a bad mood. I can start telling you bad jokes if you don't stop being so gloomy."
"I'm sorry to take it out on you. I'm so tired, I don't even have it in me to throw a punch. All I have is my venom."
"Why are we going to Liara?" He changed the subject.
"To prepare for as many scenarios as we can. Clean the ship. Write our wills."
Joker sighed, but didn't comment on her gloominess. When they arrived at the new Shadow Broker's base, they all sat down and talked through their options.
"We'll need leverage against everyone. The Alliance, the batarians, the Council, Cerberus, everyone," Jo said. "The Normandy holds so much information on Cerberus, it's ridiculous. Also, I have some interesting intel on the Alliance," she showed the others the information she found on Keiji Okuda's graybox and found ways to verify through her authorisation levels and connections. It wasn't little, and it was highly explosive, even though there still had been a lot on that graybox that she couldn't officially verify. "Frankly, I have nothing on batarians…"
"I'll pull some information," Liara offered.
"We need to scrub the Normandy. Nothing that the Alliance can use against me can stay on those memory drives. But we should leave the Cerberus intel there as a sign of good will."
"I will open the classified files and decode them," EDI said through the speakers.
"We'll offer the Alliance all we have on the Collectors, their connection to the Protheans, on the plans for that Reaper larva, on everything related to them. Mission vids and audio logs, too. I will show them I have nothing to hide. Well, not in regard to the Reapers anyway."
"We can use the audio from this," Joker showed them the minipad. "It proves your reasons for doing what you had to do."
At the beginning only he, Mordin, Chakwas and EDI were aware of Shepard's transmitter, but Gabby and Ken found out and Liara needed to know about it now, too.
"When they lock me up, this will be my only connection to the outside world, too," Jo sighed.
"Can you receive transmissions on it?" Liara asked.
"No, it only sends. Joker will know what's happening to me, but I won't know what's going on outside. You guys will have to act on your own. Keep your eyes and ears open and if I need you to do something, I'll let you know."
The others worked all day. EDI and the techies started cleaning and moving all the information on the memory drives. Karin prepared the mission logs, Liara set up files with sensitive information on the Alliance on her own computers in case they needed leverage.
Jo found a secure console on Liara's base and called three people at three different ends of the galaxy.
It only took a minute to set up a conference call. Wrex had been sleeping, Tali arguing with the Admirals, Garrus deadly tired, but they came when she called.
The four old friends greeted each other with the easiness of family.
"Hey, guys," Jo sat on a chair, hugging one knee to her chest and rubbing her forehead with her hand.
"Is it true?" Garrus asked.
"Yes."
None of them asked her any questions. They didn't need to – each of these guys knew that she'd done what she had to in order to protect the galaxy.
"How much time was left?" Tali asked.
"Seconds," Jo sighed.
"Fuck," Wrex shook his head. "If you need a place to hide, come to Tuchanka."
"Thanks, Wrex. I need to go to Earth this time, but I'll keep your offer in mind."
"What will your government do to you?" Tali sounded more than concerned.
"Crucify me. Burn me at a stake. Play me like a pawn in their political games."
"How high are the chances they try to kill you?"
"If my government doesn't, then someone else will," Jo shrugged. "Cerberus, batarians, a number of other enemies."
"And you'll be locked up right where they can find you," Garrus didn't like it.
"Jo, if you ever need someone to bust you out," Wrex leaned closer to the camera. "I would lead an army to your Earth and grind the whole prison to dust, even the whole city. But I don't have ships to transport an army."
"I'll find you ships."
"I'll loan you a Flotilla," Garrus and Tali said at the same time.
"Thanks, guys," Jo smiled tiredly, fighting moisture in her eyes. "It means the world to me. And it shames me that I might have to get back to you on the offer, too."
"No shame in needing help sometimes," Tali said with a sad little smile in her voice. "After all, Jo, you're only human."
"All soft and squishy," Wrex added.
"Damn, why did I have to teach you guys so much about humans?" Jo chuckled, as a tear escaped her eye.
"'Cause you love us," Garrus winked.
"That I do," she agreed. For a few long moments there was silence between the four friends. They needed no words. Just the presence of these people gave Jo strength to go through with the plan.
"Be strong like a krogan and honourable like a turian, Jo," Tali said suddenly. Garrus added:
"And faithful like a quarian."
"Yes, well. Show them what you're made of and we'll be there for you whenever you need us."
"I love you guys so much…" Jo wanted to hide her emotions, but really couldn't. "Thank you. You're helping me more than you'll ever know."
She ended the call, but the presence of these people stayed in her heart. There weren't all too many people for her like Wrex, Garrus and Tali, people who truly understood her, never judged and always offered help before she even asked. People she trusted with her life and with her mission so fully and completely that it felt like they were one. One unit. One soul.
Joker asked Jo for a few private moments in their cabin in the evening. His presence in her life was different from the three aliens, Jo noted to herself. He was her best friend at times, for sure, but he was also much more than that. He was the one to hold her hand when she was stepping off the ledge into an abyss, stepping along with her. A lover's leap, that was what they were about to do.
"Do you think they'll let me see you, once you're inside?" He asked her. She was observing the fish and he was sitting on the bed, his hands dangling between his knees. He looked more than worried, he was devastated by what was about to happen to them.
"I'll do my absolute best to get you access to me, but I can't guarantee anything. It'll definitely take some persuasion."
"How long do you think…"
"That's the question now, isn't it?" She sounded dark. "Until someone kills me, or the Reapers arrive. On the one hand it's unbearable being away from you. I'll be dying every second of it. On the other hand…"
"…being together means that the Reapers have arrived."
"Will you… will you still be there?" She asked over her shoulder, too emotional to look straight at him.
"No, I'll find someone else and get married the very minute the doors close after you, you idiot. Of course I'll be there! I waited for you without any hope when you were dead. What's a little prison time or a Reaper invasion?"
Jo turned, approached him and stood between his knees:
"You have no idea how much that means to me."
He wrapped his arms around her hips and buried his face in her belly.
"You're mine. Nobody can take you away from me."
Jo hugged his head, ran her fingers through his reddish-brown hair and realised she couldn't do it anymore. Hold herself together. Put up a strong face.
Her hands started shaking harder and harder and her knees suddenly gave in. He caught her with a scared yelp and directed her onto the bed. She covered her face with her forearms when the sobbing came.
For a few moments he didn't know what was happening, what to do. She cried. Wept. He'd never seen her so dissolved, so small, vulnerable.
But there were two of them now, and when she needed his strength, he would give it to her, no matter how scared he was, how much his heart was breaking.
"Shhhh, my baby," he whispered gently, running his fingers softly over her shoulders and arms. "I'm here."
"Three hundred thousand people, just like that," she sobbed, though her arms muffled the sounds. "I killed them all. And people just assume it doesn't affect me!"
"I know," he said. His heart was truly breaking for her. She'd gone above and beyond to make sure everyone on the Normandy survived the suicide mission. And everyone except Miranda did. For 300k people she would have given her life in a heartbeat, if she knew it would save them. That was the kind of person she was. 300k? No, she would give her life even for one person. He knew that by the fact that he was still alive. He couldn't imagine how it felt, knowing that she was the cause of so much death, but also knowing that the price had to be paid to avoid much, much greater losses. That could crack anyone, even Commander Shepard.
How he wished he could make it better for her. Stop her tears. Mend her broken soul. Take away the pain and chase off her demons. What he wouldn't give to get the world to back off of her, to stop it from forcing these decisions on her. How much did Hackett and Anderson think she could take? How could those people keep accusing her of forgetting that she was human, when they expected inhuman things from her on daily basis? And why didn't anyone have the good graces to say thank you to her for everything she'd done?
Let the dirt wash over you, she'd said. Nothing can stick to you permanently. But what if there was too much dirt to wash off? Because his woman weeping on the bed was not a sight he cared to see repeatedly.
A sense of possessiveness washed over him. This was his woman. The whole concept overwhelmed him. She was not a statue on a pedestal, not a good friend, not a CO. She was his woman. Being away from her was unthinkable. He was there for her while she cried, he was there when she calmed down and lay in silence and he was there when she asked him to fuck her like it was their first and last time ever.
They spent two days preparing. In that time the news hit the media and, as expected, a shitstorm began. The Council did revoke her Spectre status, openly claiming that they had nothing to do with her actions. Batarians were screaming for blood, threatening open war if humanity didn't hand Jo over to them. Humanity in turn split in a few outspoken factions: the vast majority believed she was crazy and needed to be locked up for her own good. Some people thought she should be handed over to the batarians to appease them. Some believed she was a Cerberus agent and had to be prosecuted as a terrorist. The vast minority, which mostly consisted of Hackett and Anderson, insisted she had been doing the right thing in order to stop a Reaper invasion. The Reaper theory didn't sit well with the rest of the galaxy.
Joker kept watching the news and the public's outburst on the extranet and couldn't help but wait for another faction to voice their opinion. The N school. They were Special Forces within the Alliance and had a lot of pull inside the humanity. Why didn't they make an open stand? If the rest of those guys were anything like Shepard, Anderson and Hackett, Joker was sure they had some strong opinions.
When he asked Jo about it, she said that the villa never made an open stand. They wouldn't get involved unless their particular skill set was required. If one of their agents created a problem on the mission, they had to solve it without endangering any other family members. One of the key rules was never to bring trouble home. The villa would only send another agent if there was something they could do: bust her out or kill her. They didn't get involved in publicity as an organisation. It seemed that Jo was really fine with that position, even though she hated it when the Council ignored her and let her solve her own problems. He wondered very often what her training in that infamous villa had been like. It seemed that they had their own code, rules and a way of thinking, and you only learned those if you were a part of the family. A family that Jo would protect by any means necessary, just like she protected her friends and crew members. A family she never, ever spoke about. Even after he'd coaxed some classified information about the program out of her, he still hadn't heard a word about the actual people. As elusive as they were, the Illusive Man was a week old tabloid in comparison.
Jo got messages from her team members whom she had sent on vacation right before the unlucky mission. Samara advised to be strong and believe in justice. Jack cursed. Grunt cursed even harder and threatened to come to Earth and kill everyone. Thane's message put some balm on her raw soul because he knew how she would feel about having to kill so many people in order to save many more. Mordin knew that, too, and he offered support in his own, slightly detached, scientific kind of way. The rest of the techies, the navigation team and the security guys were enraged that they hadn't been there with her on the mission and were now too scattered around the galaxy to really help. All of her people wanted to help, speak up, declare their allegiance to her, but it was too late now.
The news channels were getting hotter and hotter in her absence. Jo knew she couldn't stay away any longer. She left Liara her armour, favourite weapons, a few of her personal belongings and her omnitool. That omnitool had been with her through so much, Legion had rigged it to register twice the amount of money when she collected credits, which made it one of the most illegal and incriminating items on the whole ship. Then they set course for Earth.
