Chapter 32: One if by Clam Two if by Sea

Opening Credits

It seems today that all ya see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those good, old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely

Lucky there's a Family Guy!

Lucky there's a man who

Positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh n' Cry

He's

a

Fam

-ily

Guy!

End

As the Scene open up to The Drunken Clam, 1977. Jake G Mallque, Cleveland, Peter, and Quagmire are sitting at a table in 70s clothing. There is disco music playing.

"Here you go, boys." Horace said as he passes the group some beers.

"Thanks, Horace. So I told my boss I'm not staying in that stupid toy factory. I'm gonna go places." Jake said as he and Peter Jabs their fingers onto the table.

"Oh, that's cool." Cleveland said as Quagmire bobs his head.

The Drunken Clam, 1984. Jake G Mallque, Cleveland, Peter, and Quagmire are sitting at a table in 80s clothing. Muzaked version of "Every Breath You Take" by the Police is playing.

"Here you go, boys." Horace said as he passes the group some beers.

"Thanks, Horace. So I told my boss I'm not staying in that stupid toy factory. I'm gonna go places." Jake said as he and Peter Jabs their fingers onto the table.

"Oh, that's cool." Cleveland said as Quagmire bobs his head.

The Drunken Clam, present day. Frank G Mallque, Menma, Negi, Cleveland, Peter, Zeke, Joe, and Quagmire are sitting at a table in their regular clothing. There is music playing.

"Here you go, boys." Horace said as he pass them their beers.

"Thanks, Horace. So I told my boss that Me and Pops like my father be for me. I'm not staying in that stupid toy factory. I'm gonna go places." Frank said as he and Peter Jabs his finger onto the table.

"Oh, you are living la vida loca." Menma said as Cleveland and Quagmire bobs his head.

"Well, it's late. I better head home." Joe said.

"What do you mean "home"? You guys live here." Horace said the gang all laughing.

"Yeah. Here's to the Drunken Clam, boys. Where they don't ask for proof of age, and neither do I." Quagmire said as the gang all sip their beer.

"Quagmire, you forgot to say "oh."" Cleveland said.

"Are you sure? I think-think I did. All right." Quagmire said as he looking around.

"Well, just to be safe, oh!" Quagmire said as does his signature thrust.

Sudden cut to the bar's TV.

"The show that no one wants to see, but everyone will watch, it's Frank G Mallque Jr With Vital Information For Your Everyday Life!"

Frank Jr's dressed as a wannabe gangsta.

"How's it hanging dawgs? I'm Frank Jr and I'm gonna lay down some phat info to save yo' sorry asses."

"My Grandparents wish I was never born!" the off screen voice yells. "And so do I! Now get over here and jimmy this jelly!" "I have absolutely no idea what that even means and I still don't wanna!"

"If you're afraid of heights, you shouldn't climb up to high places. If you're afraid of bathtubs, you probably smell like something died, your smelly moron!"

"If you're at a fast food place, and you cut in line, then you're a line cutter! And if you're a line cutter, then you're grandma will come to your house while you're in the shower, and pelt you with diseased cats!"

"Oh macarena macarena macarena. Oh macarena macarena macarena. Oh macarena macarena macarena. Oh how I hate whoever wrote this song!"

"If a girl asks you out, the first thing you should NOT say is 'I made poopy!'"

"My grandma said "Frank Jr stop chewing on the carpet." And I said "go kiss a gorilla CORNCHEESE!" I have no idea what that meant either."

"On your first date, you shouldn't say stuff like "I have a violet kangaroo who lives in my head. Now let's make tongue whoopee HoneyStuffin!"

"There once was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She had so many children she didn't know what to do. That must've been one BIG ASS shoe."

"When thinking over a situation, it's best not to think at all. Leave the thinking to the people with brains, you sacka dumb monkeys!"

"It was the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring... except for this fat guy trying to get in through the chimney."

"There comes a time in everyone's life when they must learn about the birds and the bees." Frank Jr takes out a bird and a bee in a jar. "This is a bird and this is a bee." Frank Jr lets the bee out of the jar and the bird eats it. "And that's how babies are made!"

"Well, if you'll excuse me, I gotta go see a man about this thing on my butt. Peace!"

"This has been Frank G Mallque Jr with Vital Information for your Every Day Life."

We interrupt this program to bring you a special bulletin on the approach of hurricane Norman. Diane Simmons said.

"Here with an update is Greg, the weather mime." Tom Tucker said.

The scene Shows Greg making shivering motions. Then we cut back to Tom.

"Okay, i-it's gonna be cold, very cold, and-and there's gonna be wind, and…." Tom Tucker said.

Then scene Shows Greg wiggling his fingers and bringing his hands down. Which Implying rain. Then we cut back to Tom.

"-people's parents will throw fecal matter down on them from the rooftops! How awful!" Tom Tucker said. Then scene Shows Greg glaring at Tom with clenched fists.

"Oh, no. I'm sorry, that's-that's rain. Yes. It'll rain." Tom Tucker said.

Cut to the hallway of the Mallque/Griffin house. The lights are off. Lois is kneeling on the floor next to the children.

"Remember, the number-one cause of injury during a hurricane is broken glass. So stay away from the windows." Lois said she calm down her children and her only grandchild.

"And Peter, Frank, put those away." Lois said as she turns around then Glares at Peter and Frank.

As then scene Shows Peter and Frank with many drinking glasses set on a table.

"Aw, come on, Mom. Just one more song." Frank said as he and Peter Begins playing music with glasses.

"Mom, I'm afraid if I fall asleep, the hurricane's gonna sneak up on us and give Chris a vasectomy." Frank Jr said as Chris is started to freaky out.

Peter: Relax, Chris. Nothing bad ever happens when you're asleep. In fact, sometimes good things can happen.

Cutaway

"Oh, Jeni. Jeni" Peter talks to himself as Lois opens her eyes. "Oh, yeah, Jeni, don't stop" he adds as Lois sits up in bed and glares at Peter. "Oh, Richard Jeni, your HBO comedy specials have brought pleasure to millions" Peter comments Lois smiles, lies down and closes her eyes. "And what a sweet a**" Peter said as Lois snaps her eyes open.

Cutaway end

Cut to a scene of a priest standing outside a house, ushering women inside.

"Right this way, everyone." Priest said.

"Bless you for helping us, Father." Woman said as she enter the house.

"It's God's wish, my dear." Priest said the Women walks inside. The Priest takes off his mask to reveal that he's actually Quagmire.)

"All right!" Quagmire said as he snickers.

Cut to the news.

"Well, hurricane Norman is beginning to pound Quahog. We now go live to Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa for a look at how locals are dealing with the imminent disaster. Tricia?" Diane Simmons said.

As we cut to a scene of Tricia Takanawa standing outside. Fierce winds are blowing.

"Diane, I am here in-." Tricia Takanawa said until she Gets hit by a car that is being blown by the wind.

Cut back to the news.

"Thank you, Tricia. Stay tuned for further-." Diane Simmons said finishing the news until she gets hit by Greg the Weather Mime, who is being blown by the wind.

Cut to the outside of the Mallque/Griffin house, after the hurricane is over.

"Ahh! Oh, what a mess!" Mallque/Griffin Family said as they look outside from their house as they get out to look around.

Look at that! Meg said as she Points to a tree with a plank through it.

"Wow!" Brian, Frank, John and Tyler said.

As the scene change shows Peter backs out from behind a car, screaming. He has a plank stuck through his stomach.

"For the love of God, do something!" Peter shouted

"Oh, my God! Daddy! Daddy!" Meg, Persephone and the Family said as they freak out from what happened to peter.

"Oh, God! Oh, God! Gotcha!" Peter said as he pulls the plank off to reveal it's one of those arrow-through-the-head dealies. Family laughs.

"Oh, I See, Guys, natural disasters have their lighter sides, too. we just have to be creative." Frank said as he gets the joke that peter display.

"Yeah, like my and Tyler's dead-rat marionette theater." Chris said as he and Tyler are shown holding two dead rats attached to strings, like puppets. Chris begins to make a "conversation" between the two rats.

"I'm so stressed. Life sure is a human race." Rat 1 said with Chris voice.

As The family laughs.

"Right, that's brilliant!" Stewie said.

Cut to a scene of Peter, Frank, Cleveland, Negi, Menma, Joe, Zeke, Rage and Quagmire in a car, looking at the wreckage.

"Oh, my, look at all the damage." Cleveland said.

"Damn this place look like shit now bros." Menma said as he look at the street.

"Oh, thank God the open air debris garden is still intact." Peter said as the scene shows the open air debris garden. Which is actually a bunch of trash.

"Peter, look! The Clam!" Cleveland said as he Points at the drunken clam.

As Tires screeching as Peter brakes, Cleveland gets slammed into the windshield. They rush out of the car to see the wreckage of the Clam.

"Ahh! This is horrible!" Peter and Frank said As the Gang gets all teary around this point.

"You think this is horrible, try losing a testicle in a knife fight with your mother!" Horace said as he is carrying a suitcase.

"What about your bar?!" Zeke asked.

"It's not my bar anymore. I sold the place. Let someone else worry about hurricanes." Horace said.

"Who'd buy a wrecked bar?" Menma and Rage asked.

"The bar's not wrecked." Horace: said as he leave and a bulldozer clears away the wreckage to reveal a new bar called "The Clam's Head Pub."

"All right!" the Gang shouted in cheer Together.

"Oh, thank you, God." Peter said.

"Don't mention it." God said as he rides off on a white horse. Frank, Menma, Rage, Zeke, Negi, Quagmire, Peter, Joe, and Cleveland rush into the new Clam.

"Wait a minute. Something's different." Peter said as orchestral music playing. Pans around the room to show British men dressed in suits, and bowlers, and all that jazz.

"Evening, gents. How about a nice, warm lager?" British bartender asked the gang.

"And help yourself to a packet of crisps." British Man said as he holds French fries

"Or a ruddy nice plum pudding." British Man 2 said.

"Holy crap! It's a gay bar!" Peter said as Negi and Cleveland stares at Peter.

Rule Britannia playing

"They turned the Drunken Clam into a British pub!" Joe said as zeke looks around the British pub.

"Oh, well, at least they still got sports on TV." Peter said as the rest of the gang walks over to the TV.

"The new bowler for Somerset is our Spinner Heath who has a cover point long on square leg deep extra cover on two short legs." Announcer said about the game on the TV.

"What the hell is he talking about?" Peter asked.

"Oh, it's cricket. Marvelous game, really. You see, the bowler hurls the ball towards the batter, who tries to play away a fine leg. He endeavors to score by dashing between the creases, provided the wicket keeper hasn't whipped his bails off, of course." Negi explain peter what the game was on the TV.

"Anybody get that?" Peter asked the gang.

"The only British idiom I know is that "fag" means "cigarette." Cleveland said.

"Well, someone tell Negi that I still didn't get it and this cigarette to shut up." Peter said as Quagmire rushes in from the bathroom, holding a book.

"Hey, guys! Th-there's no more girlie magazines in the can! All they got is this-this David Copperfield!" Quagmire said as he displays the book.

"W-w-wait, any pictures of his girlfriend?' Frank asked him for the girlfriend pictures as Quagmire flips frantically through the pages.

"No! No pictures at all!" Quagmire said

All gasp. Cleveland crosses his eyes.

"I think we should go." Cleveland said.

"Yes. This is a dark and evil place." Peter said as the gang all back out slowly.

Cut to two British Guys sitting in the pub.

"I say, Caruthers." British Guy asked his friend.

"Hmm." Caruthers his friend.

"Do you know what's very, very, funny? (pause) A man dressed in women's clothing." British Guy said as he said a joke.

"Hmm, yes, quite. Ripping good laugh." Caruthers said.

"Yes." British Guy said.

"Hmm." Caruthers hmm in agreement.

At The inside of the Griffin house. Peter and Frank bursts through the door.

"Lois, the Drunken Clam's been taken over by a bunch of lousy, limey, tea-sucking British bastards!" Peter said

"Peter!" Lois shouted.

"Pops, Negi is British" Frank Shouted for that response.

"Hello, Nigel Pinchley here. I was just introducing myself to your wife, who I must say is an absolutely gorgeous bit of crumpet." Nigel said as he and Lois start laughing. Nigel looks over Lois.

"Holy crap! You're one of them!" Peter said in shocked.

"Peter! Nigel and his daughter are our new neighbors." Lois said as she introduce Nigel to her family.

"Yes, and I'm afraid I'm the "limey bastard" who has purchased your bar. Bit of an awkward moment, really." Nigel said in embarrassment.

"Awkward moment? I'll give you an awkward moment. One time Pop and mom during sex, he called Mom "Frank." Your move, Sherlock." Frank said as Nigel stares at Lois, and Lois looks shocked and embarrassed.

"Frank and Peter! Excuse us." Lois said as she excuse herself To Nigel, Ushers Frank and Peter out of the room into the kitchen with Meg, Persephone, Frank Jr, John and Tyler.

"Why are you acting like this? Nigel's charming. All British men are." Meg said

"Yeah, right. That's what they said about Benjamin Disraeli."

Cutaway

We see Benjamin Disraeli writing something on his desk.

"You don't even know who I am" he looks at the audience.

Cutaway Ends

Cut back to Lois and Peter

"The British are a lovely people like Frank's cousin Negi. Not physically, of course, but inside. And Nigel has a very sweet little daughter." Lois said.

As the Scene change to Outside the Griffin House. Stewie and Frank Jr were outside having sandwiches and drinking boxes of apple juices when a little girl their age shows up speaking in a cockney accent.

"Aww... look at the little babies." Eliza said in a cockney accent.

"Ah what hell was that, is a banshee moaning!" Frank Jr said as Stewie just sprayed juice out annoyed.

"Oh god, what the devil that ghastly noise?" Stewie shout as well.

"It's me, Eliza Pinchley. Would any of you babies want a flower?"
Eliza said as she offers a flower to Stewie and Frank Jr.

"Excuse me, I think you mean to say is 'Would one of you like a flower?' Heavens, you don't much as speak the language as chew on it and spit it out." Stewie said.

"Stewie! That is so rude!" Frank Jr said.

"Ah, what's wrong with the way I talk?" Eliza said.

"Uhhh... everything..." Stewie said.

"Stewie, she talks like that because she's from the cockney part of Britain, that's why she talks in that accent." Frank Jr said as he explains to stewie about Eliza's culture.

"That explains that ghastly accent... Look, here's a shiny six pence if you keep your mouth shut and go away." Stewie said as he shuddering.

Stewie flicks a coin over to the ground by Eliza. Eliza bends down to pick it up unaware that Stewie is looking at her diaper under her skirt as Stewie seems unimpressed. But Frank Jr got into Stewie's way.

"Stewie, you shouldn't look under little girls' skirts." Frank Jr said.

"So what, all she had was a diaper under there." Stewie said in argument.

"But still, that is so wrong." Frank Jr said as he finish the argument with cross arms.

"Oh, so is that's wrong do you? Then how about this?" Stewie said.

Stewie suddenly drags down Frank Jr's pants exposing diaper.

"Oh Eliza, I think Frank Jr has the hots for you." Stewie Calling to Eliza to see Frank Jr's diaper and Stewie runs off hiding in the bushes.

"Dammit Stewie!" Frank Jr shouted as Eliza fainted by how attractive Frank Jr was.

Back to Lois and Peter

"Honey, I know the Drunken Clam was your bar. But maybe you and your friends can find somewhere else to act like idiots." Lois said.

"Yeah, I guess you're right. You know why I married you, Lois? It's not just the rack, or the caboose. It's that big, sexy brain of yours." Peter said as he begins licking Lois's head. They both are laughing.

"Mrs. Griffin is right frank, will find a new place you guys to drink!" john said as he and Tyler try to cheer Frank up as they were disgusted by peter licking Lois's head and laughing.

Cut to a scene of the gang entering a purple club called the Cherry Pit. They stand in the doorway.

"All right, this place isn't bad." Frank said.

"Oh yeah. Good music, real sports on the tube." Zeke said.

I've never seen so many chicks in one place. Hey, hey. Check out those two hotties. They're so lonely, they're practicing kissing each other. Quagmire said snickering at two chicks making out.

Cleveland: I don't think they're practicing.

"Oh." The gang said All in Disappointed.

"Oh!" The gang said Happier.

"Ah!" The gang said Uh, in delighted?

"Oh." The gang said as the Realization setting in.

All turn to leave, except Quagmire. He walks over to the two hotties mentioned earlier. And he bobs his head a bit.

"So, you ladies ever been penetrated?" Quagmire said as He gets forcefully thrown out of the club. Ow.

Go to a scene of Frank, Menma, Rage, Negi, Zeke, John, Tyler, Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire standing in front of a fence, King of the Hill style.

"Yup." Frank said.

"Yup." Rage said.

"Yup. "Negi said.

"Yup." Zeke said.

"Yup." John said.

"Yup." Tyler said.

"Yup." Quagmire said.

"Yup." Peter said.

"Yup." Joe said.

"Mmm-hmm." Cleveland and Menma said in union.

Across the street a large red double-decker bus stops in front of the Clam's Head Pub. A lot of people get out and walk into the pub.

"Hope the loo is working." A British Woman said as she enter the pub.

"Ah, this sucks. Nice choice for a hangout Frank, Peter. There's not even anywhere to sit down!" Quagmire said in a sarcastic voice.

"Is that some kinda crack?" Joe shouted.

"What do you mean crack, are you saying I got a fat ass?" Frank shouted at Joe.

"Fellas, fellas, what's become of us?" Cleveland said.

"We never squabbled before we lost the Clam." Menma said.

"Yeah, you're right! It's those lousy fog breathers!" Rage said.

Peter: Damn British! First they took our bar, now they're taking our friendship! What's next, apple pie, fast cars, and action films?

Cutaway

A black screen pops up with the words "Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone In" and the scene shifts to a beautiful pond with the words "I Remember Cecil" written in cursive. It then shows Sylvester and Arnold in a boat on the lake. Stallone is trailing his hand in the water.

"It was a glorious summer in Oxford when I met Freddy Cavendish, a most remarkable young man, whose friendship would change my life forever" Schwarzenegger narrates.

"You are the anchor that gives my spirit license to soar" Stallone comments as he leans back in the boat.

Cutaway Ends

Cut back to the guys

"Our forefathers wouldn't have taken it on the chin like this." Zeke said.

"You're damn right. I say we fight the British and drive them back to whatever country they came from!" Peter said.

All begin cheering and raising their beers in the air and whatnot.

"We gonna get 'em." Cleveland and Menma said in union.

Cut back to the Griffin house. Stewie and Frank Jr on the floor and Brian is reading a book. Lois comes over.

"Frank Jr, Stewie, look. It's an invitation to little Eliza's birthday party!" Lois said

"You mean that horrid girl who talks like a scullery maid?" Frank Jr said in shocked.

"I didn't realize she'd been born. I assumed she'd simply congealed in a gutter somewhere." Stewie said.

Lois chuckles.

"Ooh, I'm gonna R.S.V.P. right now!" Lois said as she walks off.

"Oh, splendid. An entire afternoon of her "ers," and "ars," and "'alf a pound of ha'penny rice." God, why can't the English teach their children how to speak?" Stewie said as he complains about Eliza speech patterns.

"Why don't you teach her? Unless you don't think you're up to it." Brian said as he looks up from reading.

"Teach her hmm?" Frank Jr said as he thought on Brian's idea

"Oh, yes, this is the part where I'm supposed to say, "Oh, I am so up to it"." Stewie said mockingly as he Begins laughing, then abruptly stops and points accusingly at Brian.

"Well, okay then! We accept your challenge! At the celebration of her birthday, we shall pass that guttersnipe off as a lady! What are the stakes of this wager?" Frank Jr said.

"Why don't you two shut up for about a week and Frank Jr has too write a not funny comic book?" Brian said

"Very well. And if I win?" Stewie asked.

"Well, I-I wasn't betting. Why don't you two just shut up for about a week? Brian said as he Gets up from chair and Walks off until he was kick in the nuts by Frank Jr.

"Well, then you can have booze for a month then." Frank Jr said as he walks away, mumbling about Brian to shut the hell about he and Stewie shutting up.

"You're on!" Stewie said as he ran after Frank Jr.

The next scene shows Frank, Menma, Rage, Negi, Zeke, John, Tyler, Peter, Joe, Cleveland and Quagmire dressed in colonial clothing. They enter the doorway of the Clam's Head Pub. Quagmire is holding a flag, Menma and Cleveland is drumming, and Frank and Peter is playing the fife.

"Minutemen, present arms!" Peter said as They each hold up a beer.

"Load weapons!" Frank said as They all begin shaking their beers and chanting.

"Boom-shaka-laka-laka! Boom-shaka-laka-laka! Boom-shaka-laka-laka!" the gang All shouted.

"Fire!" Zeke said as they open their beers and let it splash all over the English customers.

"Oh, I say! Throw the blackguards out!" Various British said.

"Gentlemen, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave!" Nigel said

"Don't tread on me!" Cleveland said.

"Yeah, back off! We kicked your ass in World War II, and we can do it again!" Peter said

"Very well, then. If you refuse to go peaceably, I'm afraid we'll have to use our superior linguistic skills to convince you to leave." Nigel said.

"Oh, yeah?" John said.

"Just try it!" Tyler said.

"Bye, now." The gang All said

"Thanks." Cleveland said

"Sorry to bother you." Joe said

"I never saw it that way before." Quagmire said.

"Wait, how the hell did they do that?" Frank asked in shocked.

"They must have use their superior linguistic skills to convince us to leave." Negi responded.

Well, we're not gonna let this stop us. I've never been defeated, except once. Peter said

Cutaway

We see Peter in the world of Tron as he drives a vehicle around. He races towards another racer as they turn at the same direction and same time.

"Eric?" Peter asked.

"Peter!" Eric smiled.

"Oh, my God, I haven't seen you since high school. God! What are you doing these days?" Peter wondered.

"I'm the red guy" Eric answered.

"Oh my God" Peter commented.

"What are you doing?" Eric asked.

"I'm the green guy" Peter answered.

"No kidding?" Eric thought.

"Yeah" Peter said.

"Hey, is that Stacy Beecham?" Eric pointed.

"Where?" Peter asked as Eric cuts off Peter's light cycle.

Cutaway Ends

Cut to Quahog Harbor as Mysterious instrumental music is playing. As we see the gang arrive at harbor to see a sentry on guard.

"Now, don't worry. These guys are trained to stay perfectly still." Frank said as

"Check it out. Hey, Margaret Thatcher...what the hell? I thought you English guys never moved." Peter asked as he try to prove a point until the sentry kick him.

"No. That's just our women." Sentry said as everyone both laughing until his hat fell into the ocean.

"Bloody hell! My lunch was in that hat! Egg and chips with jam booties!" Sentry said as he jump in to grab his food in his hat.

We join are heroes as Peter and his friends storm a British ship, throwing out its beer like the Boston Tea Party.

"Welcome to the Quahog Beer Party!" Joe said as everyone is throwing out the beer.

"I do feel a little guilty about polluting'." Cleveland said as he feels guilty about throwing out beer.

"I felt guilty once, but she woke up halfway through." Quagmire said as he made this conversation bit sexually

"Pops, what are you doing?" Frank asked as he see peter drinking the beer.

"Hey, it may taste like a warm cup of tobacco chewers' spit but it's still beer, damn it." Peter said as he drinking his ass off.

"Good point. Bottoms up!" Quagmire said as he and the gang took barrels of beer and drank the beer.

"Take that, you lousy Brits!" Frank shouted as he and the gang throw the empty barrels.

At the Mallque/Griffin house, Frank and Peter retuned to house still a bit drunk after

"Peter, Frank, we waited up all night. Where were you two?" Lois asked the duo.

"Where were we? Where was you?" Peter said as he is trying to calm himself as he and Frank are trying to get sober.

"Out drinking. But I was back by 2:00." Lois said.

"Oh, no!" Brian said the news what shocked him.

"Our top story, The Clam's Head Pub has burned to the ground. Our own Tricia Takanawa is on the scene." Tom Tucker said as we tune in to Tricia Takanawa for the report.

"Is Quahog in the grip of a serial arsonist? Police say no, but our producer says yes. Here's an artist's depiction of what the arsonist might look like." As it shows a sketch of a giant, fire-breathing insect. "Anyone with information about this suspect should contact Quahog police immediately. One thing is certain-the pain here is palpable. For many, this charred portrait of Elizabeth II gives poignant new meaning to the phrase, "Hey, check out that flaming queen." Tricia Takanawa said as we tune back to Tom Tucker.

"In a late-breaking development, the police have a new suspect. We now go live to Hispanic reporter, Maria G-G, Geemen…" Tom Tucker said Stuttering Maria last name.

"Jimenez." Diane Simmons said as she corrected tom tucker

"I know what it is." Tom Tucker said as we turn to Maria Jimenez with a couple of cops trying to enter a familiar house.

"Well, Tom, at this moment we're approaching the suspect's house." Maria Jimenez:

"Ah, this is better than Cops. You know there's a fat drunk guy in there." Peter said as Frank, Lois, John and Tyler realize that the cops are at their house.

"Hold it!" Cop 1 shouted as Frank, John and Tyler raised Their hands.

"Freeze!" Cop 2 shouted as Frank freeze and peter still acts like an idiot.

"There he is." Peter said as he watches what was happening in the house on tv.

Cop 2: Hands up, Griffin! You're coming with us.

Peter: Hang on, hang on, I want to see what they do with this jackass.

"Hands up!" Cop 2 shouted at peter but he still watching tv.

"what the hell guys what did you tow do?" John and Tyler shouted in panic as the camera zooms in to them.

"Oh, my God! Peter, you didn't!" Lois said as the camera zoom towards her.

"Hey, fatty's wife is a babe!" Peter said as he looks at Lois's beauty on the tv.

"That's it!" Cop 2 said as he and his partner jump on peter to arrest him.

"Well, Tom, it appears the real arsonist is in custody thanks to an anonymous tip to the authorities." Maria Jimenez said as they arrest Frank and Peter and we cut scene to a Giant bug from the sketch of a giant, fire-breathing insect.

"Good. Good." Giant Bug said as he rubs his hands in a menacing tone.

The fat guy's struggling. Hit him, you stupid pigs, hit him! Use the billy... Peter said until as he was hit by that said billy.

Solemn instrumental music paly while cut scene to quahog city hall to begin at Peter, Frank and the gang trial.

"This Quahog Minutemen flag was found at the wreckage of the Clam's Head. You are clearly guilty of arson, so you are free to go... straight to jail! Now you got burned! No bail!" Judge said as he punks them with the jail sentence.

"Frank, Dad, please tell me you two didn't do this." Meg sad in panic tone.

"Lois, I didn't do it! You know you can trust me, right? Come on, let's sit down and talk about this." Frank said as he offered a seat to Lois and Meg.

"I want to believe you two, but..." Lois said as she and Meg began to sit down until Peter pulls the chairs away in laughter.

"Gotcha! But seriously, you can trust me." Peter said as the cops pull him and Frank away.

"Oh, Lois, I'm so sorry this terrible tragedy has befallen you." Nigel said as he apologies to Lois for the events that just happened.

"Thank you, Nigel. You're very kind." Lois said as Nigel ogles Lois's fine body.

"Can I touch your bum once?" Nigel said something inappropriate.

"What?" Lois, Frank Jr, Meg, Persephone, John and Tyler said in confusion.

"Now I expect to see you at Eliza's birthday, and I won't take no for an answer unless the question is, "Do you not like me?" Get it? Double negative, you know? Very good. Yes." Nigel said as he walks away while Frank Jr, Meg, Persephone, John and Tyler look at him very suspicious.

Meanwhile at quahog prison with sinister instrumental music playing, the inmates are harassing the gang.

"Hey, check out the new meat!" Inmate 1 said to Frank as he pass by his cell.

"Fuck!" Frank said as he move away.

"I like the fat one. More cushion for the pushin'." Inmate 2 said as he is going to destroy Peter ass when they get on the yard or the shower.

"Thank you!" Peter said as Frank, Negi, zeke, Menma and Rage face palm their faces in disgust.

"You and me gonna have a good time together!" Inmate 3 said as Negi cries for what he done.

"Gosh, everybody's so nice here. I mean, they're gonna be disappointed when they find out I'm not gay, but wow!" Peter said as they reach their cell until zeke and Joe started to freaky out.

"Oh, my God. See that guy? That is the most vicious killer that dad ever put away. His name's Steve Bellows. He's so mean; he once shot a man for snoring." Zeke said as he describe the most dangerous person in the Swanson's enemy list.

"Where have I heard that before?" Quagmire asked about Steve's info.

"It's all in this simulated leather-bound edition of Time-Life's "Killers of Quahog." Joe said as he pull an edition of Time-Life with all the murders info.

"Wow. They're all here." Peter said as he opens the book.

"John the Biter." Frank said as he look at the page with the man in a straight jack and iron mask.

"The Berserk Hobo." Zeke said as he look on the page with a hobo and his crazy face.

"The Golden Autumn Day Strangler." Negi said as he look at the page with man hiding behind a tree ready to strangle a woman in autumn.

"Maybe Steve won't remember you." Cleveland said as Steve Bellows looks at the group, at joe to confirm that on four of the cops who put me away tattoo with three cross off while Joe is still there as he comes over to them.

As Ominous instrumental music is play.

"Well, well, Officer Swanson. You and your friends are dead! You're all dead!" Steve Bellows said as he walks away.

"Oh, good. He thinks we're zombies. He'll leave us alone." Peter said as he sights in relief that they are save while Frank face palm as he know they are going to die.

Meanwhile, Stewie and Frank Jr tries to teach Eliza Pinchley, Nigel's daughter, to overcome her "common" Cockney accent and speak "proper" English.

"No no no... If you ever going to be a lady, you must learn to speak like one, Now try it again. 'The life of a wife is ended by the knife.'" Stewie said as he is teach her how talk English.

"'The life of a wi-'" Eliza said as Stewie interrupted her.

"No no no no... Not 'Loyfe', 'Life', 'Life'!" Stewie said as he was correcting her.

"That's what I said, 'Life'." Eliza said as she said life in the correct word.

"He meant for you to say it in an upper class type of accent." Frank Jr said trying to help eliza.

"Now listen to me you tinnier piece of baggage." Stewie said something nasty.

"Carful there Stewie." Frank Jr said trying to calm him down.

"We got 5 days left so I will not lose my wager, now repeat after me. 'Hello mother, have you hidden my hatchet.'" Stewie said

"'ello mother, 'ave you 'idden my 'atchet.'" Eliza said in her tone.

"Oh god no..." Stewie said as hehits Eliza with his teddy bear until Frank Jr got the bear off Stewie hands.

"It's an 'H' sound you moron, 'H'! 'Ha' 'Ha' 'Ha' 'Ha'" Stewie said as he get on Eliza face.

"Ew, your breath smells like kitty litter!" Eliza said, as she is gross out of Stewie breath.

"I was curious!" Stewie shouted as he is trying to defend himself.

"That is so gross. I think I'm going to be sick..." Frank Jr said as he then vomits aiming away from the table.

"Now Eliza, try practicing your 'H' sounds through that Edwardian Voice recorder until you get the hang of it." Stewie said As Eliza practices her 'H' sounds in the recorder, Frank Jr began to ask something.

"Um, Stewie? If you are American, Why do you speak in a high-class Lancashire accent?" Frank Jr asked Stewie about his voice.

"Rex Harrison inspired my voice." Stewie said as he answered.

Meanwhile at the burned ruins of the drunken clam he wife of the gang began think what happened to their husbands.

"Our husbands couldn't have done this." Bonnie said.

"Yeah. Cleveland can't even light the damn hibachi on the Fourth of July!" Loretta said.

"Excuse me. Do you know where I can find Nigel Pinchley? I'm from Quahog Insurance, and I have a check for him." Insurance Agent asked the women about whereabouts of Nigel Pinchley.

"$5 million?" Meg asked.

"Yeah, lucky fella took out a huge policy the day before the fire." Insurance Agent answered her question.

"Doesn't that strike you as a little suspicious?" Lois said in suspicion.

"No, not really. In fact, it seems to happen all the time." Insurance Agent said as his pounder on what going on here. While John and Tyler plan something to find the real arson person.

Meanwhile at quahog prison with As Ominous instrumental music is play as the gang is freaky out as they were outside in the open.

"Oh, no! Here comes Steve!" Quagmire shouted as Steve bellows is coming towards them.

"I haven't forgot about you boys! Saturday night at midnight, you're dead! All of you are dead!" Steve Bellows said as he leave them all afraid.

"Midnight on Saturday? Thank God! We can still be in the talent show! From the top, boys. Five, six, seven, eight!" Frank said as the guys dress in bowler hats and have cigarettes as Jazz instrumental music and the guys do a Cabaret-style dance.

Meanwhile at the Mallque/Griffin house, Stewie has been stressed about his teaching on Eliza's pronunciations, he was resting his ice pack on this head.

"Uh... Once again, here's how it should sound. 'How do you do'. Now here's how you sound." Stewie said as he flips his toy that makes cow noises to show how Eliza compares' her cockney accent.

"You do realize that is very rude..." Frank Jr said to himself unimpressed.

"How do you do." Eliza said it in proper English; it gave Stewie and Frank Jr interest.

"What did you say?" Stewie said in shocked as to what is happened.

"I said, 'How do you do'." Eliza said as Stewie and Frank Jr stared at each other for a few seconds and then back to Eliza.

"Now try the other phrases we've practice." Stewie said.

'The life of a wife is ended by the knife'. Eliza said them again.

"I think she's got it, I think she's got it!" Stewie said to Frank as they cheer.

Eliza Singing

The life of a wife is ended by the knife.

Stewie

By George I think she's got it! By George I think she's got it! Now tell me, what ends her wretched life?

Eliza Singing

The knife. The knife

Stewie

And where's that bloody knife?

Eliza Singing

In the wife, in the wife

Eliza and Stewie Singing

The life of a wife is ended by the knife, The life of a wife is ended by the knife

Stewie

Now for another, (Singing) Hello there mother.

Eliza Singing

Have you hidden my hatchet. (Spoken) How do you do, would one of you like a flower?

Stewie

Now once again, what ends her wretched life?

Eliza Singing

The knife. The knife

Stewie

And where's that bloody knife?

Eliza Singing

In the wife, in the wife

Eliza and Stewie Singing

The life of a wife is ended by the knife, the life of a wife is ended by the knife

Stewie said "Bravo, Eliza!"

Eliza and Stewie both Singing

The life of the wife is ended by the knife?

At the Pinchley household, everyone on Eliza guest list was arriving.

"Hello. So nice to see you." Nigel said to the guest.

"There he is. All right, we need to search the house for evidence. But one of us is gonna have to distract Nigel." John said as he explain his plan to the women. As they finish the plan they look at the woman who is really the one who can seduce Nigel, Lois Griffin.

"Oh, no, no, no, I couldn't. Well, what about Loretta? Nigel looks like he's down with the swirl." Lois said as she is trying to make an excuse.

Nigel: Oh, there you are, Lois. Shall I give you the grand tour and show you my private quarters?

"- I'd love to." Lois said as they enter Nigel Private quarters.

"I must say, you look absolutely...[Muttering] Oh, don't be shy, my lambie-lamb. This is my study where I... study things that arouse my interest." Nigel said as he getting goosies all over himself.

"Good, Tyler and the girls are in place." John said Thinking in his mind as he look around the room and found where is everyone, Bonnie in the curtains, Loretta behind the couch and Tyler behind the desk.

"Oh, Nigel, since Peter's been gone, I've been searching for someone new. You know, someone with a sense of danger and adventure." Lois said aloud to call everyone who is in the room to get ready.

"I once played a game of cricket without shin guards." Nigel said.

"Oh, I love a reckless man!" Lois said in a seducing tone.

"One time, I went up to this bloke's flat, rang the bell, and ran like Sebastian Coe!" Nigel said.

"More! Tell me more!" Lois said as she is egging him on.

"I burned down my pub for the insurance money and framed your husband!" Nigel said his confession.

"I knew it! And what's more, I have witnesses! Tyler! Bonnie! Loretta?" John said jump behind Nigel as he was in his shadow all the time as he revel his witnesses, Tyler in the desk was a dummy of him, bonnie in the curtains was a world globe and Loretta behind the couch was a celebrity.

"Demond Wilson from Sanford and Son? What are you doing here?" Lois asked him.

"I know. I'm surprised I'm alive, too." Demond Wilson said.

"Sorry, love. Better luck next time." Nigel said as he thinks he won until Tyler and the Insurance Agent reveal themselves from the closet.

"Mr. Pinchley, I heard everything!" Insurance Agent said.

"What you've done is a textbook example of insurance "fraud"!" Tyler said as he read the word fraud to make sure he got it right.

"Oh, bloody hell!" Nigel said as he was busted for his crime of burned down his pub for the insurance policy he recently took out, which equaled out to $5,000,000.

"Tyler, where were you and what the devil were you two doing in the closet anyway? John asked Tyler as to where he was?

"We came with Demond." Tyler and the Insurance Agent said in a Jamaican accent.

Meanwhile at Eliza Party

"Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Eliza Pinchley." Butler said as he announced his mistess.

"Psst! You-Dogbert! Down here! Get a front-row seat for this one." Stewie said as Brain and Frank Jr cam toward the stairs to see Eliza coming down the stairs.

As Sweet instrumental music palying, everyone looking at aww at Eliza and Stewie was smile for his victory.

"How kind of you all to come." Eliza said in eloquently voice.

"Magnificent! I say, old sport, why don't you pull your face from your own loins and bury it into some humble pie?" Stewie said as he has won the bet until she wets herself in front of everybody.

"Oh, bloody 'ell! I've gone and wet meself!" Eliza said as she just talk back into her original tone.

"Whoops-a-daisy! It's getting harder and harder to win bets Stuart, old boy!" Frank Jr said, as he is now dress as a British explorer with a monocle on his right eye.

"Don't give me that smug look! Fine! Well, you have extra-sensitive hearing. Hear this." Stewie said something Inaudible.

"Oh, dreadful. I'm must be telling on your mother, Stuart, old boy. Hmm. Regrettably.
Frank Jr said muttering and humming away

"No! I said "vacuum"!" Stewie shouted at Frank Jr not tell on him.

At quahog prison, Peter and the gang's used a jail parody of a scene in the 1994 film The Shawshank Redemption. Peter's method of carving an escape tunnel through the cell wall, as it mirrors the protagonist's escape in that film.

"Hurry, Pops! My power aren't working and Steve's gonna be here in five minutes!" Frank said as Peter was digging with a spoon until it broke.

"Aw, crap! We're dead!" Peter said as he look at the broken spoon.

"I guess this is the end, boys." Quagmire said.

"Looks like our next stop is a corner booth in a bar in Heaven!" Joe said as they gang just accepted death until its revel that their wife just save them.

"Frank, Nigel confessed! You're free!" Meg said as she and the girls just save their husbands.

"You hear that, guys? We're free!" Frank said as everyone was Cheering.

"All right! Yeah! Freedom!" The Gang said thankfully, as they were rescued moments before Bellows arrives to kill them. They all leave as Steve Bellows upon entering the empty jail cell.

"Get ready to die! Oh. Huh. Wonder what this feels like. Steve Bellows said as he stabs himself in the arm with a knife out of curiosity.

"Oww, that hurts! My God, is that what I've been doing to people? I belong here." Steve Bellows said as to Finding out that it hurts to be stabbed; he decides that he deserves to be in prison.

As upbeat instrumental music was playing, After Pinchley's arrest for fraud, Horace buys the bar back and returns it to the old Clam. The Crowd cheering for their Drunken clam return.

"Ah, Horace, I never thought I'd see you and the Clam again." Peter said as he welcomes Horace back to the clam.

"Ah, Florida stunk. An alligator mounted me when I wasn't looking and laid eggs in my lower intestine. But you're all thirsty. I'll bore you another time." Horace said as he gets back to work.

As Frank G Mallque, Meg Griffin, Persephone Griffin, John, Tyler, Menma Uzumaki, Negi Springfield, Cleveland brown, Loretta Brown, Peter Griffin, Lois Griffin, Zeke maverick, Joe Swanson, Bonnie Swanson and Glen Quagmire are sitting at a table in their regular clothing. There is music playing.

"Here you go, boys." Horace said as he pass them their beers.

"Thanks, Horace. Here's to our wives. They may not be as hot as the women you see on TV, or as entertaining...but, um... They'd goanna go places." Frank said as he Jabs his finger onto the table as they all sip their beer.

"I guess that lousy Nigel learned his lesson, Huh guys!" Tyler asked everyone.

"Whatever he gets is too good for him." John said as he sips his root beer.

As we zoom toward England as Thunder crashing, Nigel is put to death by hanging at the gallows for insurance fraud in his native Britain.

"Dear Stewie, I want you to know I blame my father's death and my incarceration in this hell hole entirely on your awful mother. If it takes the rest of my life, I shall see that she suffers a slow and painful death. Eliza.

P.S

Is Frank Jr seeing anyone because I think he is smashing.

XOXOXO" Eliza said in an eloquently voice as she was sent to live in an orphanage. Blaming Lois for her ordeal, she writes a letter to Stewie saying (to Stewie's great amusement) that she will make it her life's effort to make sure that his mother suffers a vengeful and horrible death.

"Excellent. Here, have a look." Stewie said while Laughing as he pass the letter to his friend Giant Bug

"Good, good." Giant Bug said as John and Tyler came as they look at the bug and asked, "do we know you from somewhere?"

"No!" Giant Bug said as he hides by reading the new paper.

Now we turn toward the Insurance Agent outside watch them as he opens his phone telling his informer, "it's done, and they don't expect a thing!"

"Good, now begin with the plan on training the boy without letting them know about us because of the supremacy phoenix is on the loose!" the Voice said.

"Understood supreme leader, TEAM OMNI FUSION HEART RULERS!" the Insurance Agent shouted.

"TEAM OMNI FUSION HEART RULERS!" said the voice at his hidden base which was on venus as he look at video of John and Tyler in Stories from other Family Guy fanfics, including "Meg's Boyfriend/Family", "The Spellbook" and "Family Guy: OC Universe"

As we zoom toward the Insurance Agent change into a hooded figure as he teleported away.

Closing theme music

Chapter ends.

Okay and THAT IS IT for this chapter! Well...I hope everyone enjoyed! This is thank for pen123 and Family Guy Fan writer 15, Thank you all for cutaways, scenes, favoring, having me on alerts, PM ideas, thanks for reading ^_^