Chapter 36: The Kiss Seen Around the World
Opening Credits
It seems today that all ya see
Is violence in movies and sex on TV
But where are those good, old-fashioned values
On which we used to rely
Lucky there's a Family Guy!
Lucky there's a man who
Positively can do
All the things that make us
Laugh n' Cry
He's
a
Fam
-ily
Guy!
End
As we join our favorite family as they got to a toy store name "TOYS "R" OVERPRICED!" As they see the store is big pact with lots of people,
"Oh, my! This place is enormous!" Lois said as she looks around the place with her family while holding Stewie.
Oh, man! They got these little plastic disc guns! I haven't seen one of these since Cleveland's wedding. Peter said as he, Frank, Frank Jr and Brian to a stand with little plastic disc guns as his flashbacks to Cleveland's wedding.
Cutaway
The scene shifts to Cleveland's wedding.
"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the joining of these two young people…" a priest recites as Frank throws something at Cleveland's hair and laughs.
"...in the bonds of holy matrimony…" the priest continues as Peter repeats his actions.
"...consecrated before God Almighty" Peter repeats what Frank did, one more time as the priest finishes reciting.
Cutaway Ends
Hey! Stratego! I used to love this game. Oh, my God! Abe Vigoda? Brian said as he takes Stratego from the bored game shelf as it revels Abe Vigoda behind the game.
"Go bother Steve Guttenberg. He's behind the Chinese checkers." Abe Vigoda said as he reveals Steven Guttenberg hiding behind the Chinese checkers.
"Abe, shut up!" Steve Guttenberg said as he scolds him behind the Chinese checkers.
As we zoom in to Peter Cheerful music playing on keyboard with Frank, Brian, Chris and Frank Jr watching him.
"Hey, look at me, Chris! I'm Yanni, sans the attitude." Peter said as he pretends to play the piano as a person comes around being impress by Peter's bullshit.
"My God, that's amazing! You are so talented." Holden Caufield said as he comments peter flake playing the piano.
"Huh?" Peter said as he stops playing as it reveal that he was flaking at piano.
"Wait a second! Something's not right here. You were just making it look like you were playing. You're a phony! Hey! This guy's a great big phony.' Holden Caufield shouted at as he was piss off until Frank Jr kick him in the nuts.
"Come on, Frank, Frank Jr and Chris." Peter said as they leave Holden Caufield on the floor with his nuts hurting.
As we zoom in on stewie play a Hasbro Perfection game as he was startled by it. The Concentration timer buzzing on his lost as he freaky out on the yellow piece's fly around him.
"There you are." Peter said as he and the gang found stewie on the gaming table.
"You're a great big phony. And your kid is and asshole You know that? Holden Caufield said as he rubs his balls and complain about peter being a phoney and Frank Jr being an asshole. Which piss off Frank as he goes in to finish what Frank Jr started.
"You wanna go bitch, let's go!" Frank said as he jumps Holden Caufield and he kicks his ass.
"Come on Frank Jr and Stewie. Your moms, Frank and I have something for you." Peter said as he and Frank leads both Frank Jr and Stewie to where their mothers are.
"Let me guess. You picked out another colorful box with a crank that We expected to turn and turn until big shock, a jack pops out. You laugh, John and Tyler laugh, the kids laugh, the dog laughs and I die a little inside." Stewie said as he and Frank walk as they follow peter as Stewie complains if they get a crappie toy.
"Surprise, honey!" Lois and Meg shouted as they reveal a tricycle and a skateboard.
"A trikie!" Stewie shouted as he ran towards his new tricycle.
"A skateboard!" Frank Jr as he try out his board as he does flips and grids.
"I think they both likes their gifts!" Peter said as Frank agreed with a nod while watching Frank Jr do tricks on his skateboard. As Chris puts an army guy near his nose.
"When I stick this army guy with the sharp bayonet up my nose it tickles my brain. Ow! Oh, now I don't know math." Chris said as he lost his memory of math thanks to poking his brain. As we zoom in on the family going to the car while we see Stewie and Frank Jr jumping around their dad to give them back their new toys.
"Give it to me! Give it to me now, damn it!" Frank Jr and Stewie shouted as they keep jumping for their toys.
"Not now, Boys. When we get home." Lois said as they arrive to their car to see Holden Caulfield spray paint the word phony on the station wagon.
"That's right! You're a big, fat phony!" Holden Caufield said until Frank had it as he jumps him again with John and Tyler since they are also sick of him as well.
Meanwhile at James woods Regional High school, Neil Goldman was doing video presentation.
"What I'm about to show you is a fight scene from Star Trek, Season 1, Episode 18. And as a bonus I'll identify when it's Shatner and when it's his stunt double, Fred Lubbins. Let's watch." Neil said as he turns on the tv to watch the fight scene from Star Trek, Season 1, Episode 18.
"That's Shatner, of course." Neil said as it shows Shatner as Captain Kirk fighting a lizard man name the gore.
"That's Lubbins." Neil said as he is showing Lubbins getting punch by the gore.
"Then that's Shatner." Neil said as he is showing Shatner punching back at the gore.
"That's Lubbins." Neil said as he is showing Lubbins falling back to a rock.
"That's Shatner." Neil said as he is showing Shatner kick the Gore back from stabbing him with a knife.
"That's Lubbins." Neil said as he is showing Lubbins climbing the rock to get away from the Goren.
"Now, that's Shatner, but when I freeze-frame you can clearly see Lubbins' coffee cup on that rock." Neil said as he is showing Shatner on top of the rock as it freeze-frames to see Lubbins' coffee cup on that rock.
"He is the biggest dork on the planet." John said to Tyler.
"Oh, totally." Tyler agreed with his best buddy as the presentation was over.
"And so, because of his rough-and-tumble style of command, Captain Kirk is clearly superior to Jean-Luc Picard. Any questions? Persephone?" Neil said as he gets close to his crush Persephone to asked any question about his presentation.
"No! Leave me alone!" Persephone said as she tries to scooch away from Neil as she asks him to go away.
"Thank you, Neil, for that totally irrelevant presentation. We all know Captain Picard is the superior officer." Mr. McCloud said he has argued that the "superior officer" is an always Captain Picard from Star Trek: The Next Generation.
As Persephone get a note from the back of the class room saying "I want you!" as she turns around to it was Neil passes the note reading "I Want You" and points at her while dressed as Uncle Sam. This is a reference to World War I and World War II military recruitment posters. She then crushes the note in anger as Connie D'Amico rushes into the classroom.
"Hey, everybody! Mr. Lassenbee's getting arrested!" Connie said as she reveals some startling news.
As the Students chattering while Mr. Lassenbee is taken in for his crime while passing the principle office, as Principal Shepherd watches threw his door window with his name on it until it reveals that it was on his vest sweater.
"What in God's name? Mr. Lassenbee, what the hell's going on here?" Principal Shepherd asked Mr. Lassenbee on what he do to get arrested.
"Apparently, there's some law against teaching the evolutionary theory that Gil Gerard used a time machine, went back, and ejaculated into the primordial ooze." Mr. Lassenbee said as he reveals his crackpot theory of evolution.
"This stupid country." Principal Shepherd said in a piss off tone, mean that he believes in that theory.
"Hello. Tom Tucker live at James Woods High School with this sensational breaking story. A teacher caught molesting children...with crackpot theories. Full story at 11:00." Tom Tucker said his news report on Mr. Lassenbee's crime inside the school.
"And out." Cameraman said as they end their filming the event.
"Oh, my God! That's Tom Tucker from the news!" Persephone said to her twin sister Meg as she goes goo goo for Tom tucker.
"Hey, kids. Remember, Mr. T says, "I pity the fool who does drugs." Tom Tucker said as he waves goodbye to the kids.
As Sweeping instrumental music playing while Persephone images Tom winking at her while walking in slow motion. while John see what she looking at as he gets jealous.
"Better hurry up, Mr. Tucker." Cameraman said to tom to hurry up.
"I'm coming." Tom Tucker said as he was actually walking in slow motion.
Meanwhile at the Mallque/Griffin house at night, as we join Persephone watches the channel 6 news until,
"And now it's time for Frank Jr With Vital Information For Your Everyday Life."
This time, Frank Jr is on a deck overlooking a beach. He's in green and black bathing shorts decorated with a teeth pattern, a green tank-top, and his usual specs.
"My we do keep running into each other don't we? Hi, I'm Frank Jr. Most know me as Manny the Mauler. Others know me as Mister Magic Mutton Chops. And some know me as Debbie. But you can call me Matter-Eater Lad, and I have some information crucial to your lives."
"I wish you would get hit by an old lady!" the off screen voice yells. "And I wish you would stop being an old lady! Now come over here and build a perpetual motion device!" "I don't wanna!"
Frank Jr took of his specs and rubbed his eyes. Then he put them back on.
"It's fun to bring a beach-ball to the beach. It's not fun to bring a rabid raccoon. Example..." Frank Jr tosses a rabid raccoon into the beach. The beach-goers start screaming and running around. "IT'S EATING MY EYES!" "WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!" "SOYLENT GREEN IS MADE OF PEOPLE!"
"When life gives you lemons, give life a wedgie!"
"Don't count your chickens before they hatch. Count your zits before they pop."
"If you have two heads, four noses, and a tail where your belly button should be, you ain't coming over to my house your circus freak!"
"They say the early bird catches the worm. I sure hope not!" Frank Jr covers his crotch area.
"Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all? Mirror mirror in my hut, I sure hope you kiss my butt!"
"My Cousin Zeke told me 'be kind to others and you will have all the riches in the world.' He also thought there were little men in his head trying to steal his bathtub. We don't visit Cousin Zeke anymore."
"I told the witch doctor I was in love with you. The witch doctor said "put your pants back on, this is a library!"
"Always look before you cross the street. The same should not be said when grandma's putting on her bra." Frank Jr shivers.
"Snow White married Prince Charming, Cinderella married Prince Charming, Sleeping Beauty married Prince Charming, heck I married Prince Charming. We're registered at Bloomingdale's." Frank Jr giggles like a school girl.
"When you steal someone's heart, it means you're in love. When you actually do it, it means you're a murderer. Have fun in prison!"
"Well this has been fun. If you'll excuse me I have to give grandma her bacon in the tub. Good night."
"This has been Frank Jr with Vital Information For Your Everyday Life."
"And now the reports indicate she has also consumed a record amount of seamen." Diane Simmons said as she takes over the news.
"Well, that sounds like one powerful hurricane, Diane. In other news, school-board elections took place last evening. And with six precincts reporting, candidate Fred Johnson leads candidate..." Tom Tucker said as "Moving in Stereo" by The Cars playing in the background mirrors the pool scene of Phoebe Cates in Fast Times at Ridgemont High.
"Hi, Meg. You know how cute I think you are." Tom Tucker said as The scene is Persephone fantasizes about Tom Tucker emerging from a swimming pool and removing his shirt with the Cars song "Moving in Stereo" playing in the background.
As song continues with Persephone walking towards Tom to kiss him until it show her about to kiss the screen.
"Turmoil at the White House when President Bush stuck his finger in an electrical socket. "Tom Tucker said as John and Brian comes in to see Persephone kiss the screen.
"Whoa!" brain and John said as they were shock into what they saw.
"Gasp!" Persephone said as she was exposed to john and Tyler.
"Yikes! Awkward." Brian and John said as Tyler comes in to drag them away.
"Cheney told me that's where leprechauns hide their gold." "More at 11." Tom Tucker said as he continued the new as we go back outside of the house to see Holden Caufield doing his bit.
"You know who lives in this house? A great big phony! And a family of Assholes! That's right! A phony and asshole family lives here! A big fat asshole phony Family! "Holden Caufield said until he was shocked by Hagoromo Uzumaki, because he is sick of his shit. As we zoom in on Stewie and Frank Jr working on their toys.
"I say! Look at us! we feel like a regular grease monkey!" Stewie said as we set a cutaway.
Cutaway
We see Stewie and Frank Jr working as grease monkeys in a mechanic shop.
"Hey, remember that time I had that Mustang?" Frank Jr asked.
"Oh, yeah! You took her for a spin that time" Stewie answered.
"Yeah, that was awesome!" Frank Jr added.
"Then those chowderheads on the corner busted your stones" Stewie commented as he and Frank Jr share a laugh.
"Hey, that guy's sister says anything about me?" Stewie asked.
Cutaway Ends
As we tune into Quahog channel 5 news at 6:00 am with Frank, Meg, Lois, Brian and Peter watch it on TV.
"Oh, my God! I'm missing the news!" Persephone shouted as she arrives to the living room.
"We all miss The News, Persephone. But Huey Lewis needs time to create, and we have to learn to be patient." Peter replies as he referring to the rock band Huey Lewis and the News.
"And in entertainment, Mary Tyler Moore is 64 years old today." Diane Simmons said her report in entertainment.
"Really? 64?" Tom Tucker asked Diane Simmons.
"Yes." Diane Simmons reply.
"Now I thought she was dead." Tom Tucker asked again.
"Nope. She's alive." Diane Simmons answer.
"Fantastic! And now this." Tom Tucker said as we cut to pre-recorded shot back stage with Tom and Diane siting on a desk.
"Are you a high-school student interested in the glamorous world of unpaid internships? If so, we'd like to invite you to try out for Channel 5's Young Anchor Program." Tom Tucker asked the viewers.
"Oh, wow!" Persephone said, as she wants to join the news team with John following her in secret.
"You'll gain valuable experience, have a chance to work closely with Tom and me and best of all, produce your own on-air report." Diane Simmons explain what the job is and how the worker contributes.
"So, call us now." Tom Tucker said to the viewers
"Yeah!" Both jump and freeze frame.
"Channel Five is not responsible for anyone burned, maimed, impaled, or molested during actual internship." Announcer said the entire problem that they are not responsible for.
Meanwhile at the channel 5 news building as Persephone enters the building as she notices a sign that point is right for boys left for girls, so she goes left as Tom Tucker interviews boys for Channel 5's Young Anchor Program.
"All right, question number one. Would you consider growing a moustache?" Tom Tucker asked the boy a question.
"I guess so." Boy answer.
"Question number two. Look at my moustache. Do you think it tickles women when I kiss them?" Tom Tucker asked the boy another question.
"I don't know?" Boy answer.
"Wrong. The answer is "only slightly." Only slightly. Next!" Tom Tucker said as John behind the door notice that this will be a piece of cake until he notices his competition. As we zoom in to the girl's side with Diane look at the girls.
"Oh, God! I can't hire any of these girls. They're all too pretty. Their breasts are too perky. Perfect!" Diane Simmons Thinking aloud as she sees threes hot girls, a black girl, blonde hair girl and brunette girl. Until she sees Persephone and she made her choice.
"Congratulations! You got the job." Diane Simmons said as she went with Persephone as her choice.
"Oh, my God! Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! This is beyond anything I've ever dreamed of." Persephone said as she is glad that she was chosen.
"You and your partner will start first thing tomorrow after school." Diane Simmons said
"Great! Who's my partner?" Persephone asked Diane on her partner.
"Hey there, hot stuff!" Neil said as it was reveal to be him and John are Persephone's partners.
"Hi Persephone!" John said as he moans as to why Neil was his co-partner.
As Suspenseful instrumental music playing as we move to the next scene the front desk.
"Well, well. It appears the fates have conspired in our favor, eh, Persephone?" Neil said as he gets close to her until John push him away from her.
"Look! Stay away from her, Neil! Just because we all work together doesn't mean she has to like you." John said as he explains to Neil that Persephone does not like him. Until Neil grabs Persephone's clipboard.
"Give it to me!" Persephone shouted back for her clipboard.
"What's that?" Neil asked as he tape records Persephone responses.
"Give it to me, Neil!" Persephone shouted at Neil to give back for her clipboard.
"Give it to me! Give it to me, Neil!" Persephone responses on tape was play by Neil, until John knocks him out and take the tape recorder.
"Yeah. That'll work just fine." John said so smug on his victory on the nerd as Tom and Diane walk in to the front desk.
"Hey, look who's here, Diane. It's our bright-eyed young interns. Did you two remember to wear your eager caps?" Tom Tucker asked the kids.
"I sure did, Mr. Tucker!" Persephone said eagerly.
"Great! 'Cause you two are gonna have so much fun!" Diane Simmons said so happy tone.
"Don't act any cheerier, Diane. You'll give us all diabetes." Tom Tucker said as he insults Diane's behavior is giving everyone diabetes.
"Bite me, Tom." Diane Simmons reply to tom's response as we cut scene to the back stage.
"Come on, kids! And here's where we produce us in-studio celebrity interviews. I just did one with Dustin Hoffman. He's impossible to book, but we got him." Tom Tucker said.
As we cut to tape of interview with Dustin Hoffman.
"So, Dustin, it's been a while. I got to say, you look great." Tom Tucker asked Dustin Hoffman.
"Are you trying to seduce me..." Dustin Hoffman said in a seduction scene from "The Graduate?"
"...Mr. Tucker?" Voice said the last part of question.
"I am not trying to seduce you, Dustin Hoffman. You really look great." Tom Tucker said.
"Uh-oh! Twelve minutes to Wapner." Dustin Hoffman said from a scene from "Rain Man!"
"Yes, I understand your hectic schedule. Well, Dustin, we really appreciate you taking the time to be with us here in the studio. If there's anything I can do for you..." Tom Tucker asked him again.
"Bring me Peter Pan!" Dustin Hoffman said from a scene from "Hook!"
"I'll keep my eye out for him. Thanks, Dustin." Tom Tucker said as the real tom turns off the video back in studio.
"He's this tall." Tom Tucker said as he reveals that Dustin Hoffman is short.
As we cut scene to Frank Jr and Stewie being film by Lois on them play with their new toys.
"Can you believe it? Our little Stewie learning to ride his first tricycle and Frank Jr learning to ride his skateboard." Lois said as she films them playing.
"Yeah, this is gonna be even more exciting than when Brian taught me and Frank Jr about Christopher Columbus." Peter said as he set in a cutaway.
Cutaway
As we go back in time with Frank Jr, Peter and Brian are drawn in the world of Mr. Peabody and Sherman.
"Where we going Grandpa Peter and Brian?" Frank Jr asked.
"Well, Frank Jr, we're going to visit the year 1492. That's when Columbus set sail on his famous voyage to the New World" Brian answered.
"Hey, we're on a ship!" Peter added.
"That's right, Peter. This is the Santa Maria, one of three ships Columbus took to find a direct route to India" Brian explained.
"Any sign of India yet, fellows?" Christopher Columbus asked.
"Nothin' yet, Captain" a sailor answered.
"India? But I thought Columbus was going to America" Frank Jr wondered.
"On the contrary, Frank Jr. Columbus discovered America entirely by mistake" Brian answered.
"Wow!" Peter and Frank Jr gets amazed.
Cutaway Ends
As we zoom in on Stewie and Frank about to play with their toys.
"What the deuce do you think you're doing? Back off, fat man!" Stewie shouted as peter push Stewie on his tricycle with Frank Jr following them on his skateboard.
"Hang on, Stewie!" Peter said as he continued push Stewie on his tricycle.
"What the... Hey, let go! Get your filthy paws off! Let go! Let go, I say!" Stewie shouted at Peter to let go of his tricycle but he stops push Stewie on his tricycle at the last second.
"Let-don't let go!" Stewie shouted until he notices that he was riding his tricycle.
"Oh, this is exhilarating!" Stewie said as he masters his tricycle with Frank Jr riding his board behind him like a jet skate.
"Go, Stewie and Frank Jr!" Lois said as she cheers her son and Grandson.
"Yea, Stewie and Frank Jr!" Peter said as he also cheers for them as well.
"Here, I gotta check on dinner. You keep taping Stewie. Don't miss a moment." Lois said as she passes the camera to peter as she goes inside. As he films Stewie and Frank Jr until he notice
"I got it. Look! It's dancing with me! It's like there is this incredibly benevolent force that wants me to know there's no reason to be afraid. Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world, it makes my heart burst." Peter said as he films a bag moving in the air instead of Stewie and Frank Jr. As we zoom in on god on top of a cloud in heaven.
"It is just some trash blowing in the wind! Do you have any idea how complicated your circulatory system is?" God said, as he is sick of Peter's crap as we zoom in at channel 5 studios at tom tucker's dressing room where Persephone enters to talk to him.
"Hi, Mr. Tucker. I brought you some Rice Krispie treats 'cause I remember you saying you liked them on the news. See, look. This one is in the shape of a heart." Persephone said as she offers tom tucker some Rice Krispie to eat.
"I'm sorry, but there's a handsome man in my spoon. You'll have to come back later." Tom Tucker said as Persephone sighing in love, with Neil and John watch in shocked.
"Oh, my God! Persephone is in love with Tom Tucker!" Neil said as john begins to plan to make Tom tucker pay as well as Neil.
Now we zoom in on Neil walking to Tom Tucker's dressing room with his coffee.
"Try to move in on my woman, will you, Tom Tucker? Well, no one crosses Neil Goldman and gets away with it! I added a little something to your coffee that I don't think you're gonna like." Neil said as he enters Tom Tucker's dressing room. As john watch his plan into action.
"Try to move in on my woman, will you, Tom Tucker and Neil Goldman? Well, no one crosses John and gets away with it! I also added a little something to both of your coffees that I wouldn't think you're both will like." John said as went to hide as plan commence.
"Here's your coffee, Mr. Tucker." Neil said as he passes tom his coffee.
"What the hell is in this?" Tom Tucker asked him in shocked
"Sweet'N Low! That's for trying to steal my woman!" Neil said as he gains justice for Persephone.
"Go back and bring it to me with urine in it like I asked!" Tom Tucker shouted at neil for his miss out on his coffee.
"Yes, sir." Neil said as he rounds the corner and sees John sitting on his desk.
"Oh John! Uh, John, I know that i kinda threw you under the bus by taking vengeances, okay, but I hope you understand that i didn't really have a choice." Neil said.
"It's okay Neil. I'm totally over it." John said while trying to hold his laughing.
"Well I think you're being very mature about this, John. It was an overly generous move to give me all those cupcakes. I wanna thank you." Neil said.
"Oh, you're most certainly welcome. Neil! John said as Neil walks through them and continues down the hallway.
"Well everything going to be okay uh- Neil said as he feels a pain in his stomach.
"Oooh. Oh, gee, uh..." Neil said as he feels more pain in his stomach.
"Are you feeling okay, Neil?" John asked his foe.
"Yeah, I j-I just uh I'll be right back. Oh!" Neil said as lets out a wet fart.
"Aaaah! Oh it's bad!" Neil said as the farts were so bad that then turn into bits of shit shoot out his pants onto the floor.
"Excuse me Everybody, I need to run, I gotta WUUGH!" Neil said as that last movement made him fly into the ceiling and back to the floor.
"OW!" Neil said as he felt pain as he try to get up from the floor.
"I put a lot of Arby's horsey sauce on those." John said softly as he put hot sause on those cupcakes.
"Okay, can somebody get me some paper towels? Or maybe a… Neil said as he stands up again until he poot. He hits the ceiling again and falls on his face.
"Ooowww, okay!" Neil said as he begins to slide down the hallway propelled by the poop and gas coming out his ass.
"Ooohhh, it's bad!" Neil said as he continues to slide down the hallway propelled by the poop and gas coming out his ass.
As we zoom in to Frank Jr and Stewie ride along the sidewalk with their tricycle and skateboard like pros until the meet face to face with a large bully.
"Nice bike and board." Bully said as he complements their new toys.
"Oh, if that's not the understatement of the century." Stewie said as Frank Jr realized that this is a bully and He did the one thing he learned from his father that he had to do when facing a bully.
"Cheese it!" Frank Jr shouted as he ran towards home with his board in hand.
"Well, what heck was that about? Stewie asked the bully on to what happened with his nephew.
"I don't know but your bike, It's cool. Too cool for you!" Bully said as he gets on Stewie's Tricycle.
"No, no. I think it's right where I'm at." Stewie said as he leans on his tricycle.
Out of my way! Bully said as he rides away with Stewie's Tricycle.
"I see. I suppose you do have to ride it to truly appreciate its virtues. Well then, I'll just wait here till you get back." Stewie said as he waited till the night as he got piss off.
"Where the devil is he?" Stewie shouted in anger as Brian and Tyler walk in towards him.
"You've obviously never met a bully." Brian said as he notices that Stewie doesn't know about bullies.
"What do you mean, "bully"?" Stewie said
"He wasn't taking it for a test ride. He was just taking it." Tyler said as he explains about the bully.
"You mean... He stole my trikie!" Stewie said as he Crying for his tricycle as both Brian and Tyler pet him on the head to make him feel better.
Meanwhile at the channel 5 news station we join Persephone and Neil having lunch with Tom and Diane while John is doing something else.
"You know, Mr. Tucker, has anyone ever told you your eyes are..." Persephone asked tom again about his looks until he interrupted her.
"Hang on, sweetie. I've got to call Peter Jennings and reschedule our golf game." Tom Tucker said as his Phone ringing then with Rock 'n' roll music playing on answering machine.
"This is Peter. You know what to do." Peter Jennings said threw the phone. Until the produce rush in with news.
"Mr. Tucker? Miss Simmons? There's some nut on top of Town Hall with a high-powered rifle! The gunman has been identified as the notorious Mass-media Murderer who targets members of the press." Producer said as he explains to them the news while they walk through the hallway.
"Whoa! Mass-media Murderer? You know, I think this would be a fine opportunity to give our interns real-world experience." Tom Tucker said as he decides to send the interns to cover the event rather than go themselves.
"Hey! That means you'll get to ride in the Action 5 News chopper! I'm so jealous! Better put in for new interns. Good luck!" Diane Simmons said as she and Tom thinking's that the Murderer will kill anyone who arrives at the scene.
As we zoom in on The Mass Media Murderer who's on top of Quahog City Hall threatening to kill Hugh Downs and surprisingly John.
"I've got Hugh Downs and some kid up here! And I'm gonna splatter their distinguished career all over the pavement!" Gunman said
"Why me? Why Hugh Downs? Why the media?" John asked him.
"I've got my reasons! Dan Rather thinks he can just condense a day's worth of events into a half hour." Mass Media Murderer said
"Don't get me started on Rather. Hugh Downs said
"That arrogant jerk." John agreed with Hugh down.
"Really? You two know him?" Mass Media Murderer asked in question.
"Well, he is Hugh Downs and I'm part of the news media." John said as Hugh's continued.
"I know everybody. In fact, he's right down there." Hugh Downs ssaid as he and John point towards the crowd.
"Where?" Mass Media Murderer said as John hits him in the face as they escape.
"Ha-ha! See you later, sucker!" John said as he glowed gold as he saw the channel 5 chopper, he then super jump inside to get to safety as the glow ended.
"And, by the way, Rather is an okay guy in small doses." Hugh Downs said as he moves away to the other side of the building.
"Look how close we're getting, Persephone!" Neil said as he films the action as John is trying to asked the pilot to move the chopper. Until the chopper's air blow away the Mass Media Murderer's beanie hat.
"Hey! That was my lucky assassin hat!" Mass Media Murderer said as he Gun firing the chopper with bullets as everyone was freaking out. Then Neil drop his camera on the floor.
"Mayday! Mayday! I'm going down!" Pilot said as he cheeses it out of the chopper threw parachute as the chopper land safety on top of the Quahog City Hall.
"Oh, my God, we're gonna die! There's so much of life I haven't experienced! I never even got the chance to be some drunk college guy's last resort!" Persephone said as she hug John to feel safe.
"My years of expensive orthodontic work will be a total waste!" Neil said as he tries to hug Persephone until John knocked him out.
"I never even had my first kiss!" Persephone shouted as john turned to her.
"It's not too late, Persephone." John said as Romantic instrumental music as Persephone was trying to imagine tom tucker face until she realized that John was trying to save them before. That was when her heart skipped a beat.
"I'm here for you." John said as he Fearing death and lamenting that Persephone never got her first kiss, she kisses John with tongue until Gun firing threw the window.
"Time to sign off." Mass Media Murderer said as he begins to shoot until Hugh Downs appears behind him.
"Remember me, dirt bag?" Hugh Downs said as he appears to save the day and his new friend.
"Hugh Downs!" John cheered for him.
"Don't worried John, I got your back yo!" Hugh Downs said as he pushes Mass Media Murderer down on the floor struggling for the gun as they punch each other.
As Heroic instrumental music playing in the background as Hugh Downs and Mass Media Murderer continued brawl while off the building.
As they stand they continued to fight as they struggle for the gun until Hugh Downs grabs it as he told the Mass Media Murderer to freeze and then the cops came to help.
"Wow! You saved those kids' lives, Mr. Downs!" Man said as he thanks Hugh Downs.
"All in a day's work. Remember, if you ever need me, just blow this whistle or call John Stossel's cell phone. Hugh Downs away!" Hugh Downs said as he flies away like superman.
Now we zoom in the Mallque/Griffin living room with Lois, Persephone, Meg, Frank Peter on the Couch.
"Sister, thank God you're safe!" Meg said as she hug her twin in worried.
"Honey, we were so worried." Lois said as she too joins in the hug as turn to the news report.
"We now go to Junior Anchor Neil Goldman with exclusive Channel 5 footage from today's exciting scene." Diane Simmons said as she passes it to Neil Goldmen.
Thank you, Diane. There may have been some sort of commotion on the rooftop, but the real story was inside the mouths of Persephone Griffin and Neil Goldman where a meeting of the tongues-a summit of saliva-established a new world order of love. Neil said as he gives a fake kiss about him and Persephone on the news.
As Persephone and John Screams then turn to black.
Now we continued with are program.
"Let's watch it one more time in super slow-mo! This is where we cease to be Persephone and Neil, and begin life anew as "Peil." Neil said as he shows a fake video of John and Persephone kissing with Neil face coving John.
"Oh, my God! He put that fake shit on TV, that fucking Jew?" John shouted as he glow gold again with everyone freaky out while Persephone just hind her face in shame. Then he just leave the room in anger.
"Isn't that cute, Peter? Our daughter's first love aka Pohn." Lois said as she notices that John finally scored a point.
"I just want to kill myself! I'm going upstairs right now and eat a whole bowl of peanuts!" Persephone said as Frank and Meg wave their hands in to stop this as Peter and Lois stared at her with a Blake expression.
"I'm allergic to peanuts!" Persephone said while Peter and Lois still stared at her with a Blake expression.
"You don't know anything about me!" Persephone said as she run up stairs with Meg after to give her comfort.
"Who was that guy?" Peter asked as Frank face palm as he said, " she is your daughter dumb ass."
As we join Stewie and Tyler going to get help from the police at the Quahog Police station.
"Officer, I would like to report the theft of my buddy tricycle." Tyler asked the cop.
"Oh, look at the little baby. Aren't you cute? Where's your mommy?" Cop said in a baby tone voice.
"How dare you condescend to me! I demand justice!" Stewie said while being piss off by the cop as man came in.
"I'm here to turn myself in. I have a dismembered Baltic hooker bleeding through the tarp in my trunk." Man said his crime as he is turn himself in for his crime.
"Oh, look at the little baby. Aren't you cute? Where's your mommy?" Cop said in a baby tone voice towards the guilty man. As Tyler and Stewie groan in disappointment as they leave.
The next day at James woods high school, John and Persephone come in the hall way to see everyone wearing Peil t-shirts as Kids were Laughing at Persephone.
"Where did you get that shirt?" Persephone asked the girl.
"Neil's giving them out." Girl said as she points out Neil gives everyone at school a T-shirt showing the Fake kiss.
"Hello, lover." Neil said as John grabs him by the shirt.
"Neil! What are you doing? I'm not your lover! I don't even like you!" Persephone shouted.
"Persephone, I strongly suggest you hold my hand, lest you look like a slut." Neil said trying to make this fake relationship work.
"Listen, you freak! Tell these people that there's nothing going on between us or there will be a reckoning for you!" John said as he take Persephone away.
Oooh, I'm so scared john! Al? Why haven't I leaped? Neil asks a hologram named Al, which was a reference to the science fiction show Quantum Leap, in which a character travels through time and cannot leave a certain period until he sets events "right."
"Ziggy says you can't "leap" until she loves you back." Al said
"Don't worry. I'll get her." Neil said.
Meanwhile we join Stewie and Tyler at the Quahog Gym taking to a Personal trainer.
"So what were you two wanting to work on? Cardio, upper body, what?" Personal trainer asked Tyler and Stewie about their work out.
"Upper body, definitely. We need to get buff to get his tricycle back." Tyler said to the trainer.
"Luckily we're running a special right now for the next 17 minutes." Personal trainer said.
That's a little unusual, but okay, tell me. Stewie asked the trainer.
"The normal plan is 78 months at $40 a month, and $200 down. Watch this. Forget the down. Watching? Good-bye $40 a month. Let's do $35." Personal trainer said The prizes for The work out.
"Okay, $35. Now, that's the cheapest?" Stewie said his offer.
"Hang on. Trace, can you bring me some of those free gym bags? Thanks." Personal trainer aske his assistant for gym bags.
"We can probably just do some pushups at home..." Stewie said as Tyler agreed with Stewie's plan.
"Okay, well, let's start with the complete body-fat test, maybe a heart rate..." Personal trainer said as he makes more plans for their work out.
"You're actually not hearing us. I don't think this is for me and Stewie." Tyler said as he and Stewie got up from their seats as they leave towards the door.
"Thanks anyway. And for the future? You came on a little strong." Stewie said as he closes the door while whispering the last sentence.
Later that evening at the Mallque/Griffin house, as Persephone comes home.
"What's going on here?" Persephone asked her family on what's going on.
"Oh, we invited Neil's family over for dinner." Peter said as they introduce themselves.
"Hi!" Mort said.
"Hello!" Muriel said.
"You what?" Persephone said as she has to suffer through a dinner with Neil's parents.
"Yeah, we wanted to get to know 'em better. You know, seeing as how the two of you will one day bless our home with the pitter-patter of sweet little grandchildren as ugly as sin." Peter said ironically as he hug them.
"Whoa Persephone, you never told me your mother was such a stone-cold fox! Now I see where you get it." Neil said as he notices Lois good looks as he now knows that Persephone will grow up beautiful like her mom.
"Persephone, he's so charming." Lois said as she giggles on Neil comment while forgetting about John score on Persephone.
"My name is Chris. And thuis is Frank Jr, We're supposed to be on our best behavior tonight, and not mention poo." Chris said while Frank Jr freaks out.
"Oh, God! What have you done Chris?" Frank Jr said as they ran away.
"Well, let's eat." Frank said as he leads them to the dinner room to eat.
"I think it's very, very nice that our children had this wonderful kiss. I remember when Muriel and I had our first kiss. And it was just awful. Oh, just awful. We were both very sick, weren't we, dear?" Mort said as he explains about his and Muriel first kiss in horrible detail.
"We were terribly sick. We were both 14, and it was winter, and we had terrible head colds." Muriel said explains the rest of their first kiss.
"Yes. Mine especially was very bad. I had terrible mucus coming out from inside my nose. And the other children, they were very nasty to me about that. They said bad, hurtful things to me. They called me "Tasty Cakes" and they would beat me and stick pine cones in my ass. Those were very bad times." Mort said as they finished their story.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Meg said while trying to not to throw up.
"Thank you very much." Mort said
Excuse me. I'm gonna go throw up. Persephone said as she got up from her seat to go to the restroom.
"I'll join you!" john explain as he too went to the restroom.
"Please flush the toilet twice. Once for the bulk, and again for the remainder. Thank you. Oh, she's a dear." Mort said a good comment.
As we join the bully who took Stewie's tricycle reading an issue of bully weeky as Stewie, Frank Jr and Tyler come in.
"Hey, you're blocking my light, you stupid babies!" Bully said.
"You know, my hooligan friend, I've been racking my brain in a thus far fruitless attempt to resolve our recent unpleasantness. Then it dawned on me. Your cruelty merely stems from some deep-seated inner pain. So, the obvious remedy is a healthy dose of outer pain!" Stewie said as he captures the bully with a net launcher. Then Frank Jr and Tyler drag him towards home.
Meanwhile at channel 5 news on TV, a special report was being tune in by Tom Tucker.
"School children washing cars to raise money for charity. Is there anything more arousing? Finally, we go to Persephone Griffin for a special Channel 5 Junior Anchor Segment on the moon. Persephone and John?" Tom Tucker said as he pas the special report to Persephone and John.
"The moon. There's a reason no one goes there. It's cold. And it's ugly. And its surface is plagued with deep craters and jagged peaks. Oh, wait! That's not the moon. It's Neil Goldman's Liar face. Good evening John watt!" John said as he and Persephone were giving their report.
"Greatings everyone and I'm Persephone Griffin! Recently, many of you saw me kissing this freak of nature. But, if I didn't think I was seconds away from death, I would have never done it. Which I didn't do since John was on the chopper and the video was rigged. I mean, who in their right mind would? Well, John went to the streets to find out." Persephone said as she goes on TV to declare she hates Neil Goldman, and that she only kissed him was because she thought she was going to die while showing picture of Neil doing nasty stuff.
"Would you kiss this guy?" John asked as he then conducts on-the-street interviews, asking if anyone would kiss Neil while showing a picture of Neil.
"Ugh, no." Girl said in disgust.
"No way!" Girl 2 reply in gross out by the pic.
"No." Girl 3 said in the mall.
"No!" Girl 4 said in the laundromat.
"No." Girl 5 said in the beach.
"No." Girl 6 said in the city.
"God, no! What's the matter with you?" Ugh! Mort said as even when John shows the picture of Neil to his father, he shields his eyes in disgust.
"It's official. Neil Goldman is unkissable. Hear that, Neil? She doesn't like you, and she never will! Back to you, Tom." John said as he fulfilled his reckoning and his report.
"Thank you, Persephone and John. I guess beggars can be choosers. And now this." Tom Tucker said as the report is done while zoom out to black.
Meanwhile in the basement with the bully as he ties up to be interrogate by Tyler and Frank Jr.
"Well, well. Isn't this a darling picture?" Stewie said as the bully stars to freaky out.
"Let me go, man!" Bully said as he struggles to get out of his binds.
"Tell me, how old are you, Charlie?" Frank Jr asked the bully.
"7." Bully replyed while everyone in the room was shocked at his aged.
"7? My, my, you're practically a lady. Ironic that your fate is in the hands of an infant. Now tell me where my tricycle is!" Stewie said
"I don't know. I lost it." Bully said as Stewie come in and slaps him.
"Ow!" Bully shouted in pain.
"Very well. we have other ways of obtaining the truth." Frank Jr said as he activates his wet willy device. As the Metallic grinding of the device scared the bully.
"No! Don't!" Bully said as Tyler and Lois came in to the basement with a surprised.
"Stewie? Look what we found." Tyler said as Lois returns the tricycle, which she found abandoned on the street.
"My trikie!" Stewie said as he ran up to his toy in joy.
"What's going on down here?" Lois asked as she finds Stewie's bully tied up.
"We're playing house." Stewie says to cover it up.
"That boy is all tied up." Lois asked why the boy is tied up.
"Roman Polanski's house." Frank Jr said as to what he meant was a reference to the director being accused of child rape.
Meanwhile at channel 5 news station we join ourselves at tom tuckers dressing room.
"Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker. Our top story, the President has been shot." "Tragedy strikes the nation. The President has been shot." "What's the President doing in this casket? We'll tell you right after this." Hey, Persephone, nice job on that report last night." Tom Tucker said as he practicing line reads.
"Wow! Thanks, Mr. Tucker. That means so much coming from someone as handsome as yourself." Persephone said as she goes gaga again for tom tucker.
"Say, how'd you like to pick up a handsome man's dry cleaning?" Tom Tucker asked Persephone to do his dry cleaning.
"Well, sure. But isn't that Neil's job?" Persephone said.
"Little jerk hasn't been in all day." Tom Tucker said.
"He hasn't?" John said as he and the Producer comes in with news.
"We got a breaking story! There's some geek on top of Town Hall and he's about to jump!" Producer said as he shows them on tv, it shows a despondent Neil threatens to jump off the City Hall roof. As Suspenseful instrumental music was playing in the background.
"Oh, my God! Neil!" John and Persephone said in shocked as they ran out.
"Is it Neil? Huh. I've been calling him Ned all week." Tom Tucker said.
Meanwhile at Quahog City hall, we see Neil on top of City hall.
Oh, my God! Neil, please don't jump. Persephone:
"I was just a piece of eye candy that she turned into an all-day sucker." Neil said as the chopper push off while his shoe lace holds him by the crack that near of name of city hall.
"Mr. Tucker! Thank God you're here! Someone's gotta do something! He'll fall!" Persephone asked tom tucker to save him.
"I'm on it, Persephone. Hey, have that cartoon sound-effect guy cue up whistling noise, then top it off with a splat noise. And if there's time before commercial, be ready with a wah-wah-wah-wah." Tom tucker said as he trying to make news.
"Oh, my God! You don't care about him at all, do you? All you care about are your stupid ratings! Damn Neil, you deserve better than this." John aid as he going to be the one to save the day again.
"You're a horrible man! Neil, I'm sorry! Persephone said image of Tom Tucker is shattered when she realizes he doesn't want to save Neil, but just get a funny story for ratings.
"Persephone?" Neil said as he notices her in the crowd until his lace breaks as he falls towards the ground.
"There he goes!" Horace said as he sees Neil falling.
"Good stuff, good stuff, good stuff, good stuff, good stuff!" Tom Tucker said as he is hope on bloody mess.
"Neil!" John and Persephone shouted as Neil falls, but John and Persephone breaks his fall.
"Persephone, you do care!" Neil said
"Don't read too much into this, Neil." John said as he trying to Neil thinking that this was a booty call.
"Well, it's hard not to when I'm lying right on top of you." Neil said until John pushes him off of her.
"Look-just because you're repulsive and the most annoying person on the planet-and I'm not the only one who thinks so-that doesn't mean I want you to kill yourself." Persephone said as she tells him that just because she doesn't like him, it doesn't mean she wants him to kill himself.
"Thanks, Persephone. But I was never really planning to jump." Neil said he never wanted to kill himself. At that moment, a guy calls him a phony.
"Wasn't gonna jump? You're a phony! Hey, everybody! This guy's a great big phony!" Holden Caufield said until the enter Mallque/Griffin family comes out of nowhere and kick the living shit out of him.
Chapter ends
I hope everyone enjoyed! This is thanking for pen123 and Family Guy Fan writer 15, Thank you all for cutaways, scenes, favoring, having me on alerts, PM ideas.
