Chapter 40: To Love and Die in Dixie
Opening Credits
It seems today that all ya see
Is violence in movies and sex on TV
But where are those good, old-fashioned values
On which we used to rely
Lucky there's a Family Guy!
Lucky there's a man who
Positively can do
All the things that make us
Laugh n' Cry
He's
a
Fam
-ily
Guy!
End
This chapter begins at Buddy Cianci Junior High school with Chris being invited to his fellow classmate Barbara with long hair in pigtails at her birthday party
"Hi, Chris." Barbara said hi to Chris and Tyler
He, he, he, he, Hi, Barbara. Chris said Hyperventilating.
"I'm having a birthday party next week. I was hoping you, John and Tyler could come." Barbara said as she invited the trio to her party.
"Oh, no! Someone peed in my pants!" Chris said as he poops his pants while John and Tyler move away as they appear in this school to help Chris.
"You're funny. Well, I hope you can make it." Barbara said as she walks away.
While Crickets chirping at the Mallque/Griffin household, we join the family eating dinner.
"Your friend's birthday party sounds like fun, Chris." Lois said as she proud of Chris.
"Yeah, but, I hope for your sake, the cake's better than the last party I went to." Peter said as he sets up a cutaway.
Cutaway
We see Peter and friends having a birthday party. He cuts the cake with a knife, but a stripper pops up as she screams in pain as the knife was in her head and bleeds to death. Peter tastes the cake.
"Oh God! Coconut!" Peter said.
Cutaway Ends
"I want to get Barbara a really nice gift. What kind of gifts have John gotten for you, Persephone?" Chris asked her sister about the gifts she gets from John.
"Oh, well...my boyfriend, John Watt, got me this beautiful watch and this diamond tiara, and this wonderful scepter." Persephone said as Manic laughter and then Sobbing.
"She needs to get laid big-time, John!" Stewie said to John who ran after her and ask Tyler to buy lots apologies gifts.
"Listen, Chris, I read a book saying that women are from Venus, all right?" Peter said as he points at Frank Jr who had a list of thing to get for a girl.
"So, here's what you get her. Thick layers of sulfuric acid, viscous surface rock and coronae which seem to be collapsed domes over large magma chambers. Here's $5." Frank Jr said as he gives Chris's Five dollars.
"Well, that's okay, Little buddy. I was thinking about getting a paper route, so I could pay for Barbara's gift myself." Chris said as he dismisses Frank Jr's five dollars for a job which impress both Meg and Lois.
"Oh, well, I think that's very sweet, Little brother." Meg said as she beams with pride for her little brother.
"Oh, boy! I remember Pop's first job. he was in a folk-music trio." Frank said as he sets up a cutaway.
Cutaway
We see Peter in a band at a music hall.
"Hey, how about "Here's to you, Mrs. Fleckenstein"?" Peter suggested.
"You've been pitching that for an hour, but it's just not a very attractive name" Paul Simon disagreed.
"Fine, fine. I suppose we're also not going with "Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, and Lowrey's Seasoning Salt." That's it. I'm going to 'Nam" Peter added.
Cutaway Ends
Now we join Chris and Frank Jr, who becomes a paper boy. While doing his route he meets Herbert, an elderly man on Chris' paper route tries to become friends with him, while making many sexual innuendos.
"Well, hey there, young fellas. Bringing me good news today?" Herbert asked Chris to come over.
"What?" Chris question the old man.
"Come on over here, sons. Hand me the paper, so I don't need to use my grabber. That's a nice muscly throwing arm you got there." Herbert said as he comments Chris strong arm.
"Thanks." Chris said as he thanks him as Frank Jr look at the old man weirdly.
"Got a nice tip for you two right here in my pocket. But my arthritis... Why don't you reach in there and fish it out for yourself?" Herbert said as he asked Chris to get his tip which inside his pant's pocket.
"Oh, that's okay, mister. We don't collect until the end of the month. I'll see you tomorrow. Weird." Frank Jr said as he and Chris drive his bike away quickly form that weird old guy.
As Pop music playing at Barbara's party, we join Chris meeting Barbara to give his gift.
"I hope you like it." Chris said as he passes his gift to her.
"Wow, perfume! That is so sweet." Barbara said as her gift was perfume.
"It'll make you smell like Elizabeth Taylor. I guess that means you'll smell like bourbon and Vicodin." Chris said as he explains his gift being made from Elizabeth Taylor.
"That's very thoughtful." Barbara said.
"Can I spray some on you?" Chris said as he sprays the perfume in Barbara's eyes.
"Oh, my eyes!" Barbara shouted about her eyes being sprayed.
"You're beautiful!" Chris comments about her beauty.
"Just get away from me, Chris!" Barbara shouted at Chris as she run towards the bathroom to clean her eyes.
"I'm so awkward!" Chris said sobbing as it concludes that he is clumsy around girls.
Now we join Chris and Frank Jr making his paper route, as he come to Herbert house.
"Hey, muscly arms, why the long faces?" Herbert asked Frank Jr and Chris, why they are both sad.
"It's this girl. I can't talk to her. It's like girls are a different species or something." Chris question on girls and why are they so different.
"Who needs them? You like Popsicles?" Herbert asked Chris about popsicles.
"Well, sure." Chris answer him.
"Then you need to come on down to the cellar. I got a whole freezer full of Popsicles. Mmmm..." Herbert said as he invented Chris inside his house for a whole freezer full of Popsicles like the pervert.
"No, thanks. we gotta get going." Chris said as he and Frank Jr begins to get on his bike.
"Don't make me beg, now." Herbert said as he begs on Chris and Frank Jr stay around.
"You're funny. Bye." Chris said laughing as he and Frank Jrbrushes that last comment as he drives away.
"Get your monkey and fat ass back here." Herbert said as he watches Frank Jr and Chris biking away.
Now we join Chris and Frank Jr going to quahog mini-mart as they witness to a robbery at a convenience store by the Mass Media Murderer.
"This is a holdup! Open the register!" Robber shouted at the clerk.
"I can't! It only opens when you make a sale!" Clerk said as the register only opens when you make a sale.
"Then give me one of them horoscope scrolls and some Skittles!" "Financial transaction benefits you today." "Ooh!" Robber said as he opens horoscope scrolls.
"Weird!" Clerk said as he made the sale as the register opens, the Mass Media Murderer grabs the money to leave until he hears Sirens wailing.
Now Suspenseful instrumental music plays in the background as the cops arrive the Mass Media Murderer spots a bike.
"All right, a bike! I'm out of here!" Robber said as he takes the bike and runs away.
Meanwhile at the quahog police station, Chris and Frank Jr brought in to finger the criminal.
"Now, kids, your parents are on their way. But since time is a factor here, we'd like to get a positive ID as quickly as possible." Cop asked Chris as they arrive the police line up over a two-way mirror.
"Are you sure he can't see us?" Frank Jr question the cop about their safety.
"Absolutely, Kids. You're 100 percent safe." Cop answer it okay its safe for them.
"Okay, that's him. Number six." Chris said as he points at the Mass Media Murderer who was Number six at the lineup. Until peter came in and ruins it for him.
"Hi. Excuse me, you guys. I'm here to pick up my son, Chris Griffin. He's here to finger the guy who held up that convenience store. Maybe you've seen him. His name is Chris Griffin. I think I got a picture of him, somewhere. Here you go. Yeah, you can go ahead and hang on to that. I got a ton of them at home. In fact, I was gonna throw that one out anyway, 'cause Chris messed it up by writing his school schedule and a list of his fears all over the back of it." Peter said as he looking for his son, and mistakenly shows a picture of Chris to the criminals in the lineup.
While Frank Jr face palm himself for a later problem.
As we join the family at the house having breakfast.
"Oh! We're so proud of you, Chris, for helping to put that horrible man in jail." Lois said as she congratulates her son for put a bad man in jail.
"Jeez, you couldn't have said it was Celine Dion, huh? Our one chance to put that showboating Canadian wench behind bars and you blow it." Peter said as he was slap over the head by Frank, Frank Jr and the boy for that comment.
"We now return to the E! True Hollywood Story. Alf." Announcer said as An interview with ALF is on TV.
'By the third season, I was completely wasted all the time. I had lost all control of my bodily functions. They had to cut the crap out of my fur before each taping. But would I do it all again?" Alf said as he explains about his problems in the show. As it was interrupted by a new program on tv.
"The show that no one wants to see, but everyone will watch, it's Frank Jr With Vital Information For Your Everyday Life!"
Frank Jr dressed as a wannabe gangsta.
"How's it hanging dawgs? I'm Frank Jr and I'm gonna lay down some phat info to save yo' sorry asses."
"My parents wish I was never born!" the off screen voice yells. "And so do I! Now get over here and jimmy this jelly!" "I have absolutely no idea what that even means and I still don't wanna!"
"If you're afraid of heights, you shouldn't climb up to high places. If you're afraid of bathtubs, you probably smell like something died, you smelly moron!"
"If you're at a fast food place, and you cut in line, then you're a line cutter! And if you're a line cutter, then you're grandma will come to your house while you're in the shower, and pelt you with diseased cats!"
"If you're walking home from school one day, and you notice something old and smelly is going through your backpack looking for money, chances are it might not be a dog."
"The other day I was walking and hit my head, but I don't think I got any damage brained."
"If you like playing with rabid animals, drinking bleach, and wandering into traffic, guess what? Your mom is Brittney Spears!"
"Mae West said "why don'tcha come up and see me some time." Well I did, and guess what? She was dead! Story of my life."
"Oh macarena macarena macarena. Oh macarena macarena macarena. Oh macarena macarena macarena. Oh how I hate whoever wrote this song!"
"If a girl asks you out, the first thing you should NOT say is 'I made poopy!'"
"My mom said 'Frank Jr stop chewing on the carpet.' And I said 'go kiss a gorilla CORNCHEESE!' I have no idea what that meant either."
"On your first date, you shouldn't say stuff like "I have a violet kangaroo who lives in my head. Now lets make tongue whoopy HoneyStuffin!"
"There once was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She had so many children she didn't know what to do. That must've been one BIG ASS shoe."
"All is fair in love and war. Sadly that doesn't work as a homicide defense."
"No cop in the universe will believe the excuse 'but officer the bullets just fell into him!'"
"Never kick a man when he's down. Wait for him to get up, then go crazy on his ass!"
"I know what boys like, and I know what guys want. They want you to shut up. BURN!"
"When thinking over a situation, it's best not to think at all. Leave the thinking to the people with brains, you sacka dumb monkeys!"
"It was the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring... except for this fat guy trying to get in through the chimney."
"There comes a time in everyone's life when they must learn about the birds and the bees." Frank Jr takes out a bird and a bee in a jar. "This is a bird and this is a bee." Frank Jr lets the bee out of the jar and the bird eats it. "And that's how babies are made!"
"Well, if you'll excuse me, I gotta go see a man about this thing on my butt. Peace!"
"This has been Frank Jr with Vital Information for your Every Day Life."
"Nobody isn't going to question as to how Frank Jr has a TV show program?" Peter questions the Family as he receives a pie in the face.
"right!" Tyler said as he takes out a fake cigar as he does his Groucho markers as channel 5 begins.
"We interrupt this program for a breaking news story. We now go live to the Rhode Island State Penitentiary, where Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa is standing by, Tricia?" Tom Tucker said as we tune in to Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa at the Rhode Island State Penitentiary.
"Tom, I'm outside this maximum-security facility where a ruthless thug has engineered a daring escape. Sir, do you have any plans now that you're out of jail?" Tricia Takanawa said as she interviewed the bank robber who just escaped prison about his plans.
"Yeah. I'm gonna go bang my girlfriend, and then I'm gonna kill Chris Griffin!" Robber replies as he runs away.
As turn to the family in shocked except Frank Jr and Stewie.
"Good lord! Can they really say "bang my girlfriend" on TV?" Stewie remark 'bang my girlfriend' on TV?", is a not so subtle commentary aimed at what the censors could and could not allow on network television in terms of language and content.
"I guess he can!' Frank Jr said as he hugs Chris.
At the house the F.B.I arrives to help the family as they were in the family room.
"You want to remove us from the area?" Lois asked the agents about them moving out of town.
"Yes, ma'am. This criminal will stop at nothing to find your son, so we're placing your family in the witness protection program." FBI Agent 1 said as they place them in witness protection program
"Oh, Is Europe an option? I say, I've always wanted to spend a year in Prague teaching English. You know, slacking off a bit, but really getting to know myself." Stewie questions if Europe is the place they are hiding.
"is japan an option? Since I have family in japan that could help us." Frank asked them about japan being their hiding place.
"Well, until we catch this guy, you'll be relocated to the deep South." FBI Agent 1 said as The FBI decides to relocate the Griffin family to Bumblescum in the deep South.
The family All moaning in that news.
"Deep South? Isn't that where the black guys are really lazy and all the white guys are just as lazy but are mad at the black guys for being so lazy?" Peter said something racist as Frank slaps in the head.
"Goddamit Pops, keep it PG!" Frank said as he is trying to fix this show.
"Jenkins and I have been assigned to live here and watch your house while you're gone. Even though he's a slovenly liberal, and I'm a fastidious conservative." FBI Agent 1 said a reference about their behavior.
"I smell a sitcom!" FBI Agent 2 said as both FBI agents are a reference to The Odd Couple.
"I suggest you start packing immediately." FBI Agent said.
As we join Frank Jr saying goodbye to his new friend.
"I can't believe you had to move away..." Maddie said as she starts crying over her new friend leave them.
"And we only known each other for 2 weeks." Rosie said as she starts crying as well.
"I wasn't expecting it to turn out like this, ever since we got a killer after me and Chris." Frank Jr said as he explains to them what happen to his family.
"I hope you wouldn't forget us, new friend... Even though we weren't fully developed on remembering yet." Rosie said.
"We would miss you? Though I don't know how we would remember you." Maddie said as she questions as to how they will remember their friend as they are babies.
"I would." Stewie said as He flashback on himself takes picture of the girl's diapered butts from a low angle.
"Dammit Stewie! Why do you have to embrace me in front of the girls!" Frank Jr said.
"Oh, so you think this is embracing, well then check this out!" Stewie said as he flashbacks himself drags down Frank Jr's pants like he did last time with Eliza Pinchley, except this time, Stewie take a pictures of his nephew's fully exposed diaper.
"And here's how you girls will remember him." Stewie said as he then hands the printed pictures to a duo of confused girls.
"DOUBLE DAMMIT! I can't this has bound to happen to me again..." Frank Jr said as he did he defeat dance in anger.
"What do you mean?" Maddie asked Frank Jr.
"It's a long story." Frank Jr said as he answers Maddie question.
Rosie just stares at Jr's diaper the whole time during the conversation after Stewie handed the pictures.
"What...?" Frank Jr question Rosie on what she is looking at.
"Are those the same kind of prints I have on mine?" Rosie said as they have the same brand of diaper. As Frank Jr face palms himself on this revelation.
As Instrumental Dixie music playing in the background, we join they family in the station wagon driving their way towards Bumblescum in the deep South.
"I can't believe we have to change schools because of you! And Junior has to make new friends in the south! This is all your fault, Lardo!' Meg shouted at chris.
"Me? I had nothing to do with it." Peter question at meg for yell at him for the problem they are in.
"No. I meant Chris!" Meg said as she is accusing Chris not Peter.
"Oh." Peter said in this revelation.
"Yeah, Lardo!" Tyler said in the way back as they don't have any seat in the truck.
"Look, everybody. Here we are. The town of Bumblescum." Lois said as she points at the sign that said "welcome to bumblescum, population 48!" with an old man going toward the sign change the number of people to 48 to 54.
As Instrumental Dixie music playing in the background as the family reach their new home that looks like a piece of crap.
"This is our house?" Persephone questions their new home.
"Oh, come on, Meg! I bet if we fixed it up a little bit, it could be a piece of crap. That also means for two as well, John and Tyler!" Lois said as she cheers up Her daughter and threaten her adopted boy on not to leaving the family like season one.
As Flies buzzing inside the house, the family enters their new home and explored its surroundings
"Oh, what's that smell?" Lois said as she questions on the smell in the house.
"It's either bad meat or good cheese." Brian answer Lois question as peter fell through the floorboards with Frank Jr riding piggyback.
"There's a penny underneath that couch." Frank Jr said as he points out a penny underneath their couch.
As The Griffin Twins, Chris, John, Tyler and Stewie walk towards the closet as Meg opens the closet door to find somebody inside.
"Somebody's in the closet!" Meg said as Jeff Foxworthy appears in the closet of the Griffins' new home.
"You know you're a redneck when your gun rack has a gun rack on it!" Jeff Foxworthy saying his usually rant.
"You suck!" Stewie shouted as he closes the closet leaving Jeff Foxworthy inside.
As Lois checks the stove as it full of smoke.
"Oh, my! Well, it's too hot to cook anyway. Peter, Frank Jr, what's the upstairs like?" Lois asked Frank Jr and Peter about upstairs as Peter fell through the upstairs floorboards with Frank Jr riding piggyback to the kitchen floorboards
"There's a crunchberry underneath the fridge." Frank Jr said as he points out a crunchberry underneath the fridge. As the twins rushing all gross-out to talk to their mother on what happen.
"Mom, Chris, John and Tyler found a jar in the basement! And it has a hand in it! Meg and Persephone shouted as Tyler come in with said jar while Chris and John jump with joy on their discovery.
"I'm gonna plant it and see if a human grows!" Tyler said as he rushes outside to plant said hand.
Now we join Frank, Frank Jr and Peter checking on their television set.
"Well, at least the TV gets decent reception." Peter said as the TV show a raccoon eating a nut.
"Must be some kind of nature show.' John said as he appears near the screen until he gets attacked by the raccoon.
"Help! Help! Get it off! Get if off!" John said as he fights back to get the raccoon off his face.
Now we join John at the couch get his wounds disinfected by his girlfriend Persephone.
"Great. We're here five minutes, and John gets mauled by a rodent." Meg said as she complains about their situation and incorrectly calls the raccoon which is constantly attacking John a rodent. Raccoons are not rodents.
"um, that was a raccoon, mom! Not rodents!" Frank Jr corrected his mother on the information.
"This place is horrible." Brian said as he complains about the situation as well.
"Okay. Now, everybody calms down. We don't know anything about this community. I bet if we explore the town, we'll each find something about it we like." Lois said as she explains each member of the family that they need to finds their own challenges fitting in with Southern society.
"You know, that's a great idea, Mrs. Griffin. I just got to hit the can." John said as he rised from the couch to look for a bathroom.
"I think there's just an outhouse, John." Lois said.
"Hey, Mrs. Griffin, I don't get how this works. It's just a hole. I don't think it goes anywhere. No, it definitely doesn't go anywhere." John said as he and peter look inside the outhouse. Until it was tip over by a bird.
"Oh! Oh, God! Oh, it's everywhere! It's in my raccoon wounds! Oh, God!" John and Peter shouted as they were covered by feces.
Now we join Lois and meg carried their kids as they looking around town.
"Excuse me. Do you have an ATM?" Lois question a Redneck about an ATM.
"Over there, ma'am." Redneck said as he points out the ATM.
"How much you want to take out?" Redneck Banker asked Lois and Meg how much money she need.
"$40." Lois answer the Redneck Banker as she passes their credit cards.
"There's a service charge of $1.50. Do y'all accept?" Redneck Banker asked them about accept of a service charge of $1.50.
"Yes." Meg answer him.
"Mmm. You two smell like the inside of my mama's purse." Redneck Banker comment on Lois smelling pretty nice as he gives them money from his pants.
"Thank you." Meg said as she looks disgusted by the money.
We join the babies siting on a bench as Musician was Playing banjo music.
"What are those dulcet tones? Why, this is the music of the angels!" Stewie: said as they listen to the banjo music as they walk toward the musician.
"What is that magical device?" Frank Jr asked the Musician about his instrument.
"Banjo." Musician answer Frank Jr question as he Plays the rest of the banjo music until he asked Stewie finish the song.
"Pluck that string." Musician asked Stewie to Pluck that string and he does finishing the song
"Oh! I feel so deliciously white trash! Mommy, I want a mullet!" Stewie shouted at Lois to give him a mullet.
Soon after arriving in Bumblescum, Peter paints the family car to resemble the General Lee from Dukes of Hazzard.
"All right, that about does it. Isn't she beautiful, Frank and Brian?" Peter said about the car.
"The Duke boys would be proud, Peter." Brian said.
"Yeah, and you got to get in through the window, like this." Frank said as he and Peter hop into the car through the windows.
"Okay. Now you." Peter said as Brian tries to hop into the car through the window but he gets unconscious.
"Oh, sorry. I forgot to roll yours down. You all right? Hello? Wake up, sleepyhead." Peter said as he rolls down the window as He asked brain that if he is okay.
Now we join a boy who just skipping rocks as Chris and Frank Jr came in to introduce themselves
"Hi." Chris and Frank Jr said.
"Hi." Sam replied.
"Are you mad at that pond?" Frank Jr asked him if he is mad at that pond.
"Shoot, no! 'Course, this pond did kill my grandpappy. He saw his reflection in the water, thought it was him and drowned trying to save himself." Sam said a story about her grandfather that He saw his reflection in the water, thought it was him and drowned trying to save himself.
"That's why my mom doesn't let me look in the toilet." Chris answer the boy with a similar problem.
"I'm Sam." Sam said as he shakes Chris hand.
"I'm Chris and this is my nephew, Frank Jr." Chris said as he and Frank Jr introduce themselves.
"Sam, come on in, now." Sam's Father calls back home.
"Well, I gotta go help my daddy bring in the mud harvest. Nice making your acquaintance, Chris and Frank Jr." Sam said as he walks away while Frank Jr looks at their reflection.
"Oh, my God! We're drowning!" Chris shouted as they jump in the pond trying to save themselves.
As we join Peter, Frank and Brain driving toward the country side while listening to the south radio station.
And that was Merle Haggard with "I Kissed My Sweetie With My Fist." Coming up next... Radio said as Peter spot something down the road.
"All right. Here's one. Let's jump that." Peter said as he points at a truck full of hay bale. As they drive at full speed launch the car over a hay bale
"Yeee-haaw!" Frank, Brain and Peter Yelling triumphantly as they land safety on the ground.
"Oh, that was great! Hey, next time let's get Tyler or John to be Boss Hogg and Persephone can be Anus." Frank said to Brian After he and Brian race around, impersonating main characters Bo and Luke Duke, Peter suggests getting Chris and Meg to play the show's villains Boss Hogg and Enos Strate.
"Enos." Brian said correcting him with the character's name.
"What'd he says?" Peter asked Brain on what Frank said.
"Anus." Brian answer Peter's question as Frank and Peter both laugh at that mistake.
As we join Persephone and Meg going to bumblescum school.
"All right, class. We have a new students joining us. Everyone please welcome Megan Griffin and Persephone Griffin from the North." Teacher said as she introduces the griffin twins to her class.
"Wow!" All students awe at the twins.
"What's it like up there? Y'all got them talking pictures?" Student 1 asked them about their life in the north.
"And flying machines?" Student 2 asked them about airplanes.
And perfume for your armpits? Student 3 asked them about body spray deodorant.
"We sure do." Meg answer them as they beam at being popular for once in their lives.
"All right, class. That's enough questions for Megan. Time to hand back last week's spelling tests. And it looks like Oinky has set the curve again." Teacher said as she passes all their papers back while their class smartest student is still number one was Frank Jr disguises as a pig.
"Oh, dang!" Student 1 said.
"That is some smart pig." Student 2 said.
"Good thing I copied off Oinky." Student 3 said as Oinky aka Frank Jr just oink with victory.
As we join the family in their south home away form home, Lois says that she made dinner with Shake 'N' Bake.
"Ta da! Possum Surprise. Actually, I made it with Shake 'N Bake." Lois said about dinner.
"And I helped!" Stewie said a line directly from Shake 'n' Bake commercials.
Kids, where's your father and Frank? Lois asked the kids about
"Heee-haaaw!" Peter, Frank and Brian yelling triumphantly as they repeated launch the car over a hay bale into the house.
"Guys, what the hell are you doing?" Lois question the boy on why are they crash cars into their house.
"I'm blending in. Relax, Mom. It's not our house." Frank said with a cool tone
"I'm glad you're having fun, but we need some money. Have you two thought about looking for a job?" Lois asked them about getting jobs in town.
"Yes, Mom, I have. But I've also thought about getting fired from that job. Is that something you really want to put our family through?" Frank asked them since he trying to not get a job in the south since he become a hillbilly by results.
"Think about that while I get myself a drink. Oh, God!" Peter said as he was attack by the same raccoon that attack John then he jumps john after he was done with peter.
"Oh, God! why Help! Help! Get it off! Get if off!" john said as he fights off the raccoon again.
As we join Frank Jr, Chris and Sam arriving at a dead body.
"It's right up here past this clearing. He's been here about three months now." Sam said as he points at the dead body.
"Wow! Where do you think you go when you die?" Frank Jr asks where do you go when you die.
"I learnt at church that if you're good, you go to Heaven. But if you're bad, you go to a place where the dead believe they're still living and they pray for death, but death won't come." Sam said as he explains about hell.
"UPN?" Chris said as he thinks Hell is UPN, a now-defunct television station that normally aired programming aimed towards African-Americans.
"You're funny Chris. I like you guys." Sam said while laughing at Chris response.
"we like you too, Sam." Chris said with Frank Jr nodding in agreement.
"Want to poke him?" Sam aksed Chris about poking the dead body.
"Do we!" Frank Jr said as he picks up a stick and pokes the dead body.
"You know, it's true. The best things in life really are free." Chris said as he, Frank Jr and Sam poked that dead body all day.
As we join Peter, Frank and Brian walk down Bumblescum.
"I don't know, Guys. Maybe Lois is right. Maybe it is time for we to get a job." Peter said.
"Yeah, too bad you always blow it in the interview." Brian said as he sets a cutaway.
Cutaway
We see Peter in a job interview.
"So, Peter, where do you see yourself in five years?"
"(Thinking) Don't say, "Doing your wife." Don't say, "Doing your wife." Don't say, "Doing your wife." (Aloud) Doing your...son?" Peter answered as the employer looked at him in disgust.
Cutaway Ends
"Hey, Brian, look at that!" Peter said as he poin out a wanted sign for town sheriff.
"Interested? We just take turns being the sheriff. It's real easy. You just hang out here, eat some pie, and get drunk." Sheriff said as he explains to them that being the sheriff was the easiest job ever
"Wait. Hold on a second. "Pie," "drunk," "the"? You got yourself a sheriff!" Frank said as he accepts the job as sheriff of bumbscum.
Meanwhile we join them as sheriff being drunk of their freaky mind.
"Boy, it's so quiet around here!" Peter said Slurring.
"I know." Frank said.
"The phone hasn't rang all day." Peter said about not getting phone calls.
"I-I know. There's nothing to...[Stuttering] [as he Sighing] Oh, boy! What's the word I'm looking for? "Do"!" Brian answer.
"Oh, Brian, you're drunk. You're drunk. Give me your keys." Frank said as he asked brian to give him his keys but falls over on the floor.
We join the family watching a humorous Southern version of a Civil War re-enactment, which plays off of real history, as Robert E. Lee was a teetotaler, while Ulysses S. Grant was forced to resign from the military in 1854 because of a drinking problem and did not return until 1861.
"What is this, Dad?" Frank Jr asked his father about the play.
"A Southern tradition, son. It's a reenactment of the Civil War." Frank said as they started the play with Southern version of a Civil War re-enactment.
"Robert E. Lee, I knew I'd find you here where they seat the sorry-ass losers!" Redneck said it drunk.
Ulysses S. Grant, you invite me to lunch then show up an hour late, drunk? Sam's Father said.
"I was busy looking for your wife to give her the old..." Redneck said as he describes how he give Ulysses S. Grant's wife nasty sex.
"Sir, this means war!" Sam's Father said as he punches the redneck down.
"I am vanquished." Redneck said on the floor about his defeat.
"I hereby declare victory in the name of the Confederacy!" Sam's Father:
As Crowd cheering while Frank and Peter look piss off by this remake.
"Uh, excuse me. I don't think that's how it happened. I'm pretty sure the North won." Peter said as he corrects them about the true history.
"What are you saying, fella?" Sam's Father asked the m in anger.
"We're saying that drunken idiot kicked your sorry asses south of the Donna Dixon line!" Frank said as he insults the South for questioning their own version of re-enacting the Civil War.
"We don't take too kindly to that sort of talk, mister. And I sure as shoot don't want your kid hanging around with my kid. And if you think I'm mad now, you got to answer to them Civil War survivors!" Sam's Father said as he points them at the Civil War survivors.
"Yeah. That's right." Old Redneck said as he and his gang went toward at the Mallque/Griffin family.
"Wait! Look over there! It's a newly-married, interracial gay couple burning the American flag!" Brian said as he points the angry mob look at the direction of where gay couple burning the American flag.
As the mob All gasping and look at the direction of where gay couple burning the American flag. Frank, Peter and Brian went to the General Lee and cheese it out of there.
"Get 'em!" Old Redneck said as the Crowd shouting while chasing them.
"I guess we can't hang out anymore." Chris said
"I guess not." Sam said
"That sucks! 'Cause I really like spending time with you." Chris said as he like spending time with him.
"Me, too." Sam said as he kisses him before leaving
As Chris Muffled protests by the kiss.
"What are you doing?" Frank JR asked Sam on why is he kiss Chris.
As Instrumental Dixie music playing as Frank, Peter and Brian launch the car over a hay bale.
"Now, Them Mallque boys better grow some wings or start flapping their arms." Waylon Jennings said as he reprises his role as the show's narrator.
As the Dramatic instrumental music plays as they escape those old rednecks.
"Lost 'em!" Old Redneck 1 shouted.
"Dag-blasted Lincoln lovers!" Old Redneck 2 complained about them being Lincoln lovers.
"Anyone seen my foot?" Old Redneck 3 asked the group about his foot.
Meanwhile we join Frank Jr and Chris at home, thoroughly bewildering themselves by yesterday's events.
"Man, was last night weird! Chris kissed a boy. But the truth is, he really like him as a friend. His name is Sam." Frank Jr writing in diary while thinking out loud.
"You kissed Sam last night?" John and Tyler came in from hear what Frank Jr said.
"How did you know?" Chris shouted at them.
"Well, Frank Jr saying it out loud. I could hear you in the other room." Tyler said.
"The weird thing is, kissing Sam kind of felt right. But I don't know if I can face him again. Brian, what should I do? I haven't been this confused since the end of "No Way Out"!" Chris said as he set up a cutaway.
Cutaway
We see Chris, Frank Jr., Persephone, John, Tyler, and Brian walking out of a movie theater.
"How does Kevin Costner keep getting work?" Chris asked.
Cutaway Ends
Now we join the F.B.I agents playing with John and Frank Jr video games. The FBI Agents are playing a video game where a police officer and an alien shoot each other.
"How do I shoot? How do I shoot?" FBI Agent 2 asked FBI Agent 1 about shooting.
"Press B! B button!" FBI Agent 1 said it was the B button.
As they Knocking at the door, FBI Agent 1 answers the door.
"Telegram for Chris Griffin." Robber asked for Chris.
"Oh, he's not here." FBI Agent 1 said that he not here.
"Where is he?" Robber asked him.
"I can't release that information." FBI Agent 1 said that it classified.
"Oh, did I say Chris? I meant Chris's sisters." Robber asking about Chris sisters instead.
Oh, if it's for Meg and Persephone, that's a whole other story. Here's their address. FBI Agent 1 said as he closes the door.
"What are you doing?" FBI Agent 1 said as he notices that FBI Agent 2 was playing his turn on the game.
"You were busy, so I played your guy." FBI Agent 2 said as he takes his turn.
"Fine, I didn't want to play anyway!" FBI Agent 1 said as he whined.
"Well, then it worked out for everybody!" FBI Agent 2 said in response.
"I'll draw boobs on the Etch-A-Sketch!" FBI Agent 1 said as he walks away in anger.
"Go ahead, they always come out square!" FBI Agent 2 said as he whines at him.
After the killer left, Maddie and Rosie pokes their heads out of the bushes, they heard everything.
"This is bad..." Maddie said in worried about Frank Jr.
"How should we warn Junior?" Rosie asked her sister.
As Maddie then saw a pigeon.
"Wait... What if we send a message by pigeon? My grand-uncle told me he used to use pigeons during the second world war." Maddie said
"But how should we get that pigeon?" Rosie asked her sister about getting that pigeon.
Both girls paced while thinking until Rosie stopped.
"What about a net?" Rosie said as they rush inside the house to get a net.
We later cut to the girls preparing to catch the bird with a net, they both emerge for each side of the house and slowly crept forth and preparing to strike. Just as they were close enough, the both dropped their nets with a 'plop' but it turns out they had both missed and instead caught each other instead.
"Maybe we should've just call them by telephone..." Rosie said as they hop back inside the house to call frank Jr.
Meanwhile we join Chris walking towards Sam at the pond as Sam was skipping rocks.
"Oh, hi, Chris." Sam greets Chris.
"Hey. Listen, Sam. I like hanging out with you and all. It's just that I don't want a romantic relationship. But I'd like it if we could still be friends." Chris said about he doesn't want a romantic relationship. But I'd like it if we could still be friends.
"I'd like that, too. Want to go for a swim?" Sam asked about going swiming
"Sure." Chris said as they undress Chris discovers that Sam is a girl.
"You're a girl?" Chris said in shocked
Of course I am! Sam answer him
Oh, my God! Chris said as he ran away in shocked of being an idiot again.
As we join Frank Jr and Stewie's band is names 'Mc12 and the Cowtones'. As Frank Jr play his banjo.
"Warm out today. Warm yesterday. Even warmer today." Stewie said as they begin to sing My Fat Baby.
Stewie
Met her on my CB. Said her name was Mimi. Sounded like an angel come to earth.
Cowtones
Come to earth.
Stewie
But when I went to meet her. Man you should have seen her. Twice as tall as me. Three times the girth.
Cowtones
Girth
Stewie
Oh my fat baby loves to eat.
Cowtones
Loves to eat.
Stewie
A big ol' Buddha belly and her b*** swing past her feet
Cowtones
Feet
Stewie
My fat baby loves to eat.
Cowtones
Eat
Stewie
My big ol' f*** baby loves to eat
"Take it away Junior." Stewie spoken as Frank Jr walk in with a fiddle.
Frank Jr
Went on down to the waffle house, met a gal with a lovely blouse, and she claimed to be a champion beauty queen
Cowtones
Beauty queen.
Frank Jr
But after all those darling months She'd be growing so much puffs. Rejected out the pageant. For love of ice cream.
Cowtones
Ice cream.
Frank Jr
Yes my fat baby loves to eat.
Cowtones
Loves to eat.
Stewie
A big ol' Buddha belly and her b*** swing past her feet
Cowtones
Feet
Stewie and Frank Jr
Our fat babies loves to eat.
Cowtones
Eat
Stewie and Frank Jr
Yes our big ol' fatass baby loves to eat
As Frank Jr finish his last banjo solo.
"I got blisters on me fingers!" Stewie spoken as his hand raised it.
"What?! Really?!" Frank Jr asked.
"I didn't mean literally Junior, it's a figure of speech meaning 'I've got so much excitement'." Stewie said.
As we join Lois and Peter alone at their south home.
"A drop more of the shine, my dear?" Peter asked Lois about give her some moonshine.
"Yes, please." Lois said as peter pours her a glass.
"You know; the kids are gonna be at that town social for a while." Peter:
"I think I know where you're going." Lois said as they Both laughing while she undresses herself until the raccoon jump out of her shirt and attack peter.
"Ah, ah, ah! Oh, God!" Peter said as he fights off the raccoon.
Then the Phone rings as Lois answer it.
"Hello?" Lois said on their phone.
As we zoom in at the Mallque house with F.B.I Agents having a party while it was Maddie and Rosie made do with their promise to call the Mallque/griffin family.
"Hello, Mrs. Griffin? Yeah. Sh. Shut up. You guys, shut up. Yeah, hi, this is Maddie murdock calling from your house." Maddie said.
As we zoom back at the south with Lois on the phone on their end.
"Oh, God!" Peter said as he fights off the raccoon on the floor.
"Oh, hi Maddie, how is everything?" Lois asked Frank Jr friend.
During the party scene when Maddie is calling the Griffins to warn them about the escaped convict, you can see Quagmire running past him sporting a foam dome hat and a bra while Rosie chase him.
"Hey give that back you pervert!" Rosie shouted in the background.
"Good, good. Real good. Real good. Listen, promise you won't be mad and it's probably nothing, but you know that criminal who's after Chris and Frank Jr? Yeah, he might know where you guys are, thanks to the F.B.I Brother over here. Maddie said in a sarcastic tone at the two agents.
"What? Peter, that criminal is on his way here to kill Chris!" Lois said to peter about the robber coming here.
"We gotta call the sheriff!" Lois said.
"Holy crap! I'm on it, Lois! "Sheriff's Office." Yes, hello. This is Peter Griffin. I'd like to report a dangerous criminal who may be coming to town. "I'm sorry, could you repeat your name?" It's Peter Griffin. G-R-l-F-F-l-N." Peter said as he calls himself on his phone while talking threw his house phone.
"Wait a minute. You're the sheriff?" Lois said in shocked.
"Hang on one sec, honey. I'm on the phone. "Who's that?" My wife." Peter said as he calls himself on his phone while talking threw his house phone.
"Chris is in danger! Do something! Round up a posse!" Lois said as she asked peter to round up a posse.
"Yeah, well, see, I kind of pissed off the whole town at that Civil War reenactment." Peter said as he explains about what happened at that Civil War reenactment.
"What are we gonna do?" Lois asked him.
"I don't know, Lois. But I feel lower than a bow-legged caterpillar." Peter said as he set up a cutaway.
Cutaway
"Now, here's Roy!" Buck Owen announces.
Cutaway Ends
As Lively country music playing at the town social with everybody dance.
"Sure is a ding-dang of a hoedown." Redneck 1 said.
"Uh-uh. This here's a hootenanny." Redneck 2 argued his response.
"Hoedown!" Redneck 1 said it was a hoedown.
"Hootenanny!" Redneck 2 said it was a Hootenanny.
"Hoedown!" Redneck 1 shouted it was a hoedown.
"Hootenanny!" Redneck 2 shouted it was a Hootenanny.
"Hoedown!" Redneck 1 shouted it was a hoedown as he pushes his friend.
"Hootenanny!" Redneck 2 shouted as they went on fist fight.
As Mc12 and the Cowtones sing I Wish Away My Wishes, on stage, during which Frank Jr wishes for the event were to be undone, which somebody from Frank's past will carry out.
Frank Jr
Yee Haw!
Frank Jr/Stewie:
Oh I wish I had a nickle, for every wish I made.
When I was feeling fickle, my heart was getting swayed,
but one wish led to two wish and two wish led to more
and that big old pile of wishes, left me battered, bruised, and sore.
Frank Jr
Cuz everything that's happened,
Frank Jr/Tyler/Stewie:
Made a big old mess of me.
Frank Jr
So I wish away my wishes,
Frank Jr/Tyler/Stewie:
Undo, reset, Ctrl Z
Frank Jr
Oh you made a million wishes and knocked me down to size,
John
Eyup.
Frank Jr
And I made a million more and knocked you to the sky.
John
Doudoudou
Frank Jr/Stewie:
You can have your cool boyfriend, It's the least that I can do.
Just let me play my music, for all my friends but you.
John
Hey!
Frank Jr
Cuz everything that's happened,
Frank Jr/Tyler/Stewie:
Made a big old mess of me.
Frank Jr
So I wish away my wishes,
Frank Jr/Tyler/Stewie:
Undo, reset, Ctrl Z
"Jug solo everybody!" Frank Jr said as they all Jug Solo and then they were done. While Stewie gets a message on stage.
"Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Oh, and to the owner of a John Deere tractor, you're parked on top of a pig. John Deere tractor on top of a pig." Stewie makes an announcement that there is a John Deere tractor parked on top of a pig.
As we join Chris walking toward Sam who looks beautiful in her southern dress.
"Sam, can I talk to you?" Chris said to Sam by not looking at her.
"Sure. But why aren't you looking at me?" Sam asked Chris on why he not looking at her.
"Well, that's the thing. I'm no good at talking to girls. That's why I ran away from you." Chris said his explanation about his problems with girls.
"well, you didn't have trouble talking to me when you thought I was a boy." Sam said her response.
"Yeah, that's true." Chris said in agreement.
"Just pretend I'm a boy." Sam said about think about as one of the guys
"Okay." Chris said in agreement.
You want to go down to the old town bridge and make out? Sam asked him about going to the old town bridge and make out.
"Yes, sir!" Chris said in agreement as they walk away towards to the old town bridge and make out.
As we join The Griffin twins talking to their classmates about the north.
"And in the city, glasses are considered really sexy." Meg said about her glass being sexy.
"Dang! I hope her brother don't already have dibs on her." Boy said to his friend.
"Sorry boys but my sister is married!" Persephone said as the boy moan in disgust.
As the family car arrives with Frank, Brian and Peter in their police uniforms,
"Girls, Where's Chris? That criminal's here and he's after him." Brian asked the twins about Chris whereabouts.
"He's down by the old town bridge." Meg said as Frank Jr heard about Chris being in danger, he then rushes inside the car as it drives toward the old town bridge.
"You know; our brother is the one he's here to kill!" Meg said as she brags about her family.
"My daughter would absolutely love you." Girl said about setting them up with her daughter.
[Sweet instrumental music]
You're so cute. You're like a skinny Garth Brooks. Sam:
I got you now, Griffin! Robber:
"Ahhh!" Chris Exclaiming as the heroes arrive to save the day.
Not so fast, buddy! Peter said as he and Mallque possie arrive by cop car.
Who are you? Robber:
"Oh, you can call me Officer T.J. Hooker! Sheriff Officer T.J. Hooker! And this is my deputy, McMillan and Wife." Frank Jr introduce himself as Officer T.J. Hooker and introduce Peter as McMillan and Wife.
"Well, I hated T.J. Hooker! And I never actually saw McMillan and Wife! Although I was aware of it! Anyway, you're dead!" Robber said as he shoots them buts misses by the bridged breaking his shot. While his guy fell through the hole in the bridge.
"You're mine now, fella!" Peter said as he begins to shoot but nothing come out of his gun. Peter discovers, however, that his gun is empty and the raccoon attack him from inside the gun.
"Ahhhh! Frank Jr! Help! Help! Dad!" Chris Screaming for help from his family while the robber tries to choke him. Until Sam's father comes to the rescue and shoots the criminal.
"You folks all right?" Sam's Father asked everyone on the bridge was alright.
"Wow! You guys saved our lives." Frank Jr said in shocked as to what happed today.
"After I said that all Southern people have bad teeth and suffer from the gum disease known as gingivitis." Frank said about gingivitis in a scary tone.
"Well, we take care of our own. And as long as y'all live here, y'all are Southerners, too." Sam's Father said that since they live here, the towns people take care of our own.
"Wow, thanks!" Peter said as he thanks Sam's father for saving his son.
"It's our pleasure. Sam, I'll see you at home." Sam's Father said as he leaves towards home.
"I think the lesson here is it doesn't matter where you're from, as long as we're all the same religion." Frank said as he learn a lesson being here in bumbscum.
Now we join The Mallque/Griffin family packing to go home back in quahog. As we see Meg and Persephone saying goodbye to their classmates and teacher.
"It was great having you two in class, Girls." Teacher said her goodbye.
"Thanks. We will really gonna miss everybody." Persephone said.
"We didn't have no money for a present. So, we all just spit in a jar." Student 1 said as he gives the girls a jar full of spit.
As we zoom in Chris and Sam who have a bit of heartbreak.
"I can't believe you're leaving." Sam said in a sad tone.
"Me, either. I'll be sure to write." Chris said in a sad tone.
"And I'll be sure to learn to read." Sam said in a sad tone.
"And the next time I see a dead guy I'm gonna poke him twice as hard for both of us." Chris said as they kiss and hug good bye.
As Sentimental instrumental country music play while we zoom in at The family returns to Quahog
"It's so nice to be home." Lois said as they all enter their home.
As The Griffins return to discover 113 messages on their answering machine, all from Herbert, who wants to know what happened to the paper boy.
"You have 113 new messages." Answering Machine said.
"Oh, my!" Lois said as the first message played.
"Uh, yeah, I was just wondering where the newspaper boys was." Herbert said as the Machine beeps the next message.
"Haven't seen a newspaper in a couple days. Wonderin' if they ever gonna come back." Herbert said as the Machine beeps the next message,
"Guess who? Sorry to leave you two so many messages. Just Ionely here. Thinkin' about the muscly-armed paperboys. Wishin' they'd come by and bring me some good news." Herbert said as the Machine beeps the next message.
"Where are you two?" Herbert said as the Machine beeps the next message.
"You're starting to piss me off, you little piggly sons of a bitches. Call me." Herbert said as the Machine beeps the next message.
Then Frank Jr destroyed the answer machine in disgust
"We are getting a new Job Chris, because we are not going to be seeing that guy ever!" Frank Jr said as Frank and the family all nodded in agreement.
Now we join Frank Jr in the living room with his friends.
"Oh man, I missed you so much Junior! We'd almost forgot you!" Maddie said as she misses him.
"I miss the both of you too!" Frank Jr said as he misses them as well.
"And I miss seeing you, and the look of you in the same diaper brand." Rosie said something weird.
Maddie and Frank Jr stared at Rosie awkwardly.
"What?" Rosie said.
"Anyway, I got a souvenir from the south, a nice fiddle that was given to me. Plus, I got this music washcloth and a mandolin to give you as a present." Frank Jr said as he brought presents
"Oh that's so sweet! Thank you!" Rosie said.
"And speaking of presents. Ahem?" Maddie said as they look at the stairs.
Stewie was halfway up the stairs sneaking back to his room when he freezes and looks down at a pair of angry girls.
"Um... hi?" Stewie said as the girls look piss off.
Get him! Maddie said as they chase Stewie.
Stewie runs up to his room as the girls chased him up the stairs.
"Was this for my goodbye present?!" Stewie said as he dodges karate kicks from their girls.
Stewie enters his room and shut the door locking them out as the girls pound the door demanding to let them in.
"Maybe I should move on towards men..." Stewie said to himself.
As the funny scene at the ends while closing theme music play.
Chapter ends
I hope everyone enjoyed! This is thanking for pen123 and Family Guy Fan writer 15, Thank you all for cutaways, scenes, favoring, having me on alerts, PM ideas. Also Doc X me if you want to help with scenes for next chapter because I need the ideas.
