Chapter 44: A Very Special Family Guy MC Freakin Christmas
Opening Credits
It seems today that all ya see
Is violence in movies and sex on TV
But where are those good, old-fashioned values
On which we used to rely
Lucky there's a Family Guy!
Lucky there's a man who
Positively can do
All the things that make us
Laugh n' Cry
He's
a
Fam
-ily
Guy!
End
As Frank Jr is shown waiting near a bush next to his house.
"Hahahaha, Today, I'm gonna sneak up and get my uncle and dog with a super sneaky karate move." Frank Jr laughs while he practices karate as he sneaky neat the front lawn.
"What diabolical act are those guys committing now with my dad?" Frank Jr question them as Frank, Brain and Stewie were putting
Frank plugs in Christmas lights outside and Frank Jr freaks out
"Fire! Don't worry, Dad, I'm coming! Stand back, dad, fire!" Frank Jr shouted as he rushes inside and instead of throwing water on tree, throws it on Frank.
"Huh? So I guess there's no fire?" Frank Jr said as his father was piss off.
"What in the name of the don is wrong with you, Frank Jr? Ain't you never seen a Christmas tree before?" Frank asked his son.
"Christmas who?" Frank Jr asked his father on what is Christmas.
"What?! Y'all never heard of Christmas?" Frank asked his son on Christmas.
"Is she a friend from Japan?" Frank Jr said while Brain and stewie face palm themselves.
"Hahahaha, No. I can't believe you haven't heard of..." Frank said as he laughs as he makes an adorable face, "Christmas."
"Tell me more about this..." Frank Jr asked on what is Christmas.
"Christmas." Brain and Stewie imitates Frank.
"And so, I wove the magical tale of gumdrops and pennywhistles. I told of toy-making elves and flying reindeer. But best of all, I told of the one they call, Santa Claus." Frank said as he explains about Christmas and Santa clause as his son just smiles of what he has learned.
Now we join the Griffin family at the town square looking at the Christmas tree.
"Merry Christmas, dude. Don't put it in your nose. It burns like hell." Chris said as he gives stewie a candy cane. Then stewie works on the cane into a make shift shank.
"Merry Christmas, everybody. As president of the Quahog Chamber of Commerce, I'd like to thank the Seniors' Center for decorating our tree." Cleveland said as he announces the decorated tree as it turns on to spell out " Young people suck!" while the old people laughs at their joke.
"Oop, broke my hip!" Senior said as he broken his hip.
"Look, honey. There's the manger for the Christmas pageant. You're gonna make the cutest baby Jesus ever." Lois said as she pick up her son to look at the manger.
"So, you want to dress me up and trot me about like a circus poodle, hmm? Here, let me consult my agent, Mr. Irving R. Pointy Stick!" Stewie said as he tries to stab her with his candy cane shank.
"Oh, Stewie, no sweets before dinner." Lois said as she takes the candy cane from stewie.
"Mom, I'm freezing. Can we go home?" Persephone said as she coddles close with John.
"In a minute. Would you just look at this beautiful tree? Every year I look up at that star and I think of all of the joy and wonder that Christmas promises. And that miracle that occurred on that silent winter's night." Lois said as she explains the magic of Christmas to her children, until Peter comes in by driving at the manger all drunk with Frank and Frank Jr at the back seat for their safety.
"Hey, I'm on vacation! Happy birthday, Jesus!? Seven maids a-milking, six maids a-milking, five maids a-milk...?" Peter said as he faints in front of the manger Jesus.
At Mallque/Griffin house Frank Jr was explain the new members of the family about Christmas.
"And everyone pretends to like the fruitcake." Frank Jr said as he his friend aww at Christmas.
"Yawn." Stewie said as he moans in boredom.
"But the best part is you can write a letter to this guy, Santa Claus, and tell him what you want, and when he comes he brings it to you." Frank Jr said as he takes out a photo and explains what Santa does and what he give to you for being good.
"Just like a genie, Ha-ha." Tyler said as he laughs in happiness.
"I dunno about you, Guys, but any fella who's giving away free stuff, is a friend o' mine." John said as he agrees on Christmas.
"That's the spirit, John." Frank Jr said as he grabs a piece of papers from his room.
"Here you go! You can get started on your letter." Frank Jr said as he gives them to his family.
"I can't believe anybody would celebrate a holiday where a jolly prowler breaks into your house and leaves gifts." Stewie said as he makes a snarky remark.
"Like a genie, Ha-ha." Tyler said as he Laughs.
"Pipe down, Stewie. I'm trying to concentrate. This thing is as good as a blank check direct from the First National Bank of Santa Claus." John said as he writes his letter to Santa.
"Oh, brother." Stewie said as he makes another snarky remark.
"Yeah." Tyler said as he sees Frank Jr passing papers.
"Okay, who's next?" Frank Jr asked his friends.
"Ooh, ooh, me, me!" Tyler shouted.
"Ooh." Stewie said as he makes another snarky remark.
"Here you go, Tyler." Frank Jr said as he passes paper to Tyler.
"There's no words on this paper." Tyler question his Blake paper.
"Not yet." Frank Jr said as he reveals a pencil in his hand to Tyler.
"Yippee! A writing stick for me to write my letter." Tyler said as he grabs a pencil to begin writing.
"C'mon, Stewie. Write a letter." Frank Jr asked his uncle to write a letter to Santa.
"Frank Jr, grow up will ya? No one's going to give me a gift just because I write them a stupid letter." Stewie said as Tyler 's letter tears in half by Tyler himself.
"Frank Jr, I ripped my paper. Could I have another one?" Tyler asked Frank Jr for another piece of paper.
"Sure, buddy. Here you go. Okie dokie, Ste...wie." Frank Jr said as he was stop talking to stewie by Tyler rips his Letter again.
"Uhh, Frank Jr..." Tyler said as Frank Jr hands him another piece of paper.
"Thanks." Tyler said as he sits down and starts writing with the paper on top of the pencil.
"Dear Sant..." Tyler said until his paper rips.
"D'oh! Not again." Tyler said as he fails again at writing his letter.
"Here, Tyler, watch me. Dear Santa, what do I want for Christmas, you may ask? All I want is for you to visit gentle folk here in Quahog. That is my wish." Frank Jr said as he writes his letter and he puts the letter in a bottle. Now we see Frank Jr and Tyler outside with a machine of Frank Jr's design.
"Tyler, I designed this mechanism specifically to shoot bottles to the North pole. The hopes of everyone rests on the success of its maiden voyage. Fire in the hole!" Frank Jr said as he puts his letter into the device.
As he presses it and the bottle shoots up to the North pole.
"Santa! Ha-ha." Tyler said as he laughing at the machine as he hopes it summons Santa.
"Where's Santa?" Tyler asked Frank Jr on where is Santa Claus.
"Santa doesn't come till Christmas Eve." Frank Jr said as John come outside with his letter.
"Okay boy, my demands, uhh, I mean, my letter, is ready to go." John said to Frank Jr.
"Great, John. What did you wish for?" Frank Jr asking his friend.
"A pony." John said his wish.
"Really?" Frank Jr asked him about his ponu.
"With saddle bags full of My Family memories!" John said as his letter shoots by bottle up to the North pole.
"Here you go, Frank Jr." Tyler said as he passes his bottle letter to Frank Jr.
"What did you wish for, Tyler?" Frank Jr said as he asked him.
"Another piece of paper." Tyler said as the bottle shoots up to the North pole.
"And what did you wish for, Maddie?" Frank Jr asked his friend who arrive at his house.
"Front teeth!" Maddie said as she shows her two front teeth are missing.
"I could use a new hat!" Zeke said as his hat was torn off and broken.
"I need a new hairstyle!" Rosie said as he old hair style was bland.
"How about a glass of water for my teeth?" Herbert said as he talks threw his teeth.
As lots of bottles get shot up to the North pole while everyone was keep sending their letters.
"Excuse me, coming through, out of the way." Stewie said as he pushes the crowd to reach Frank Jr.
"Great, Stewie, you finished. What's your wish?" Frank Jr said as he is happy to see stewie.
"My wish is that the people of Quahog will stop paying any attention to the inane dribble that is constantly streaming out of this dunderhead's mouth." Stewie said as he wamts this to stop.
"Gee, Stewie, maybe Santa will bring me a dictionary so I can understand what you just said. Okay, everybody, we've got a lot to do now that we've summoned Santa Claus. We must ready ourselves for his arrival." Frank Jr said as he ignore what stewie said as he tells everyone to prepare for Santa arrival.
Hooray! Everyone shouted as we join the trio outside about to sing a song.
Frank Jr, John and Tyler
It's shaping up to be a wonderful holiday. Not your normal, average, everyday.
Stewie
Sounds like someone felled my old pine tree! Frank Jr, John and Tyler, why'd you do this to me?
Frank Jr, John and Tyler
The world feels like it's in loverly!
Stewie
Go away before I harm you bodily!
Frank Jr, John and Tyler
This Christmas feels like the very first Christmas to me!
Frank Jr, John and Tyler
There'll be shopping, decorating, and plenty of snow! Hey, John and Tyler, who's that under the mistletoe?
Stewie
What? Who, me? Would you look at the time, I should go!
Quagmire
People seem a little more brotherly!
Cleveland
Here's a special something to you from me!
Frank Jr, John and Tyler
Even all the trash, on Christmas it smells so sweetly!
This Christmas feels like the very first Christmas to me!
Frank Jr is seen dancing with different backgrounds as we see him in front of Stewie's room.
Frank Jr
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!
Stewie
What do you want? Can't you see that I'm busy!?
Frank Jr, John and Tyler
Step outside, we've got something for you to see!
As Persephone walks outside to see everything decorated around the house and inside the house.
Stewie
Frank Jr, take this stuff down immediately!
Frank Jr, John and Tyler
Chestnuts roasting and burns in the third degree!
Citizens
Tonight things are as good as they seem to be!
John and Tyler
A star on top will complete all the scenery!
Citizens
This Christmas feels like the very first Christmas to me! This Christmas feels like the very first Christmas to me!
"Is Stewie right? Can there be a Christmas in quahog? Stay tuned!" Frank said as he shaking, putting his hand and hook upon his ears.
"It's about time you got back! Now I can finish me story! So, everyone was preparing for Christmas..." Frank said.
As we join the Mallque and Griffin watch TV during the holidays.
John, Tyler and Brian, you're not wearing the sweater I made for all you. Lois said
"Uh?" John said as he rubs his head.
"Well?" Tyler said as he rubs his fingers.
"it's a little warm in here, you know?" Brian said as he tries to make an excuses.
"Don we now our gay apparel" Lois said as she puts her foot down, while the duo and dog cave in as they put on their sweaters.
"Doesn't get much gayer than this." Brian, John and Tyler said as Frank Jr smile as he doesn't have to wear his sweater.
"Frank and Peter, tomorrow's Christmas Eve and you still haven't gotten us a tree." Lois said as she asks them about getting a tree.
"Mom, we told you that we're on dips luscious vacation. What part of that don't you understand?" Frank said as he watches TV.
"Come on, Guys. It's the only thing I've asked you two to do. Please?" Lois said as she rubs Peter's belly until he caves.
"Brian, tape this for me." Peter said as he asked Brian to tape the episode.
"Sorry. The VCR hasn't worked since you tried to tape Monday Night Football." Brian said as he sets up a cutaway.
Cutaway
We see Peter watching football on TV? Then suddenly, the FBI appeared and threatened to shoot Peter.
"Do you have the express written consent of ABC Sports and the National Football League?" the FBI agent asked.
"Just ABC" Peter said as the guns cocking, then gunfire destroyed the VCR.
Cutaway Ends
"Well, if you get us a tree, I'll make sure Santa brings you a new VCR. Please?" Lois said.
"Oh, crap. How come I... commercial!" Peter said as he Chopping tree outside their neighbor yard.
The doorbell rang and Lois answered to find Maddie dressed in a green Christmas theme dress with a green ballerina skirt with red edges connected, Rosie in a bright looking dress in a style of a candy cane along with her mother Lily.
"Oh, Lily! So nice to see you, Merry Christmas!" Lois said to her friend.
"And a Merry Christmas to you too." Lily said.
"And I see you little pumpkins are all dress to look cute for the season." Lois said as she looks at the female twins.
"Hahahaha, oh stop... your making me wet myself. But seriously, who going to change me?" Maddie said as she giggles.
"Hey Maddie, Rosie! Wow, I never seen you two look so beautiful for the holiday." Frank Jr said
"Oh please, Hahahaha, don't make blush again, I've already wet myself feeling flustered." Maddie said as she giggles.
While they were talking to each other, act like they didn't noticed that Stewie was taking pictures under the girls' dresses. Without looking back, Rosie just back kick in the crotch. They just laughed at Stewie.
"I guess my toilet training will be postponed for another year..." Stewie said to himself.
"Serves you right Uncle Stewie." Frank Jr said as he mocks his uncle.
"Shut up Nephew..." Stewie said as we join the family at the couch.
Hey, Mom, I got something to add to my Christmas list. A pair of those jeweled bug barrettes. Not costume, real. Maybe you should write that down? Persephone said
Santa got all his shopping done before the rush. I think you'll be very happy. Lois said
"I just want peace on Earth. That's better than being selfish like Persephone, right? So I should get more than her." Chris said as John and Tyler just look at him with disgust.
"Bullshit!" Tyler said quietly as Frank and Peter just came in with a tree.
"Here's the tree." Frank said as he and peter went to their seats.
"Merry Christmas to all and to all shut the hell up." Peter said as he sits down until Lois butts in.
"Uh-uh-uh, before you sit down, we're due at Joe and Bonnie's for eggnog." Lois said as both Frank and Peter moans.
"Mom, can't we tell them that your mother died?" Frank said as he moans.
"Frank, I'm not gonna lie about something like that." Lois said as she gets her coat.
"All right, all right, I'll kill your mother. God, when did Christmas become so complicated?" Peter said as he puts a rock in sock and twirls it in the air.
Meanwhile at the Swanson's, everyone was in their living room all quite like.
"So, uh, you guys know that Rudolph is on, right?" Peter and Frank said.
"Frank, Peter!" Lois said as she shuts them up.
"Thank you for the lovely gingerbread house, Lois." Bonnie said as Joe looks at the house.
"Oh, yeah! It's perfect for all the happy, active gingerbread men. Except for the one with no legs! Look at the parents telling their kids not to stare. "How does his pee-pee work, Mommy?" Well, I've got news for you, Becky. Not so well!" Joe said as he ate the cookie in anger.
"Dad, you promised. It's Christmas." Zeke said as he calms down his father.
"Joe had his accident at Christmas time." Bonnie said as she explains how Joe lose his legs.
As Lois Nervous laughter with her daughter meg until Frank hears singing.
"Check the balls on Uncle Charlie" Carolers said as Frank Looks at the window to see his friend and their dads.
"Yes! Time to go a-wassailing!" Peter said as he and Frank put their coats on as they open the door.
Hey, Peter, Hey Frank. Quagmire said as Negi raise his can of booze.
"Hi. I'm Prancer." Cleveland said while Rage and Menma were dancing like the peanuts.
"And I'm dancer and those two are dasher and doner." Menma said while being drunk.
"Hey, why don't you two take Joe and zeke along?" Lois said
"Yeah, Mom. Well zeke is fun to hang out with but Joe, That'll be about as much fun as a lecture on ontological empiricism." Frank said.
"What?" Lois said as she is confused on what Frank said.
"What?" Frank and Peter said until Lois beg again.
"Honey, he could use some Christmas spirit. For me? Please? Lois said until Peter cave again to Lois's demand.
"All right. But you owe me later, under the mistletoe. Open mouth, no matter how drunk I am." Peter said as Frank argued to meg that she also owes him something as well.
"Christmas sex in your sexy Santa outfit, no condoms. I still want Frank Jr to have a little sibling later on." Frank said as Meg agreed.
As Frank, Peter, Zeke and Joe went out to join the gang for their fun out town.
"Frank, Peter, the gifts are hidden in the trunk. Don't forget to drop off the one for Toys for Toddlers." Lois said as she and meg wave goodbye to their husbands.
"All right, all right. Hey, somebody give me and Frank, a beer." Peter said
"Heads up." Quagmire said as he throws them some beer until Joe caught them.
"Yeah, Peter, one of us has to be the designated driver. And I've already had four eggnogs. So I guess you're it." Joe said as Peter just laughs at him as he takes his beer.
"That's a good one, Joe. Way to get into the spirit. Peter said
"I'm a cop first and a buddy second. So don't think I wouldn't throw your drunk-driving ass in the slammer! All right, let's a-wassail!" Joe said until Frank trips him as he raised him.
"listen up joe, you are the new guy, so please don't piss me off by using your cop first and a buddy second bull shit or else!" Frank said as he warns him not to piss him off and also He gave Joe a beer can full of piss. The gang laughs at him when he found out, as Joe know not to miss with the Mallque's and the griffins.
Now we join Lois and the kids decorating the tree.
"Stewie, honey, time for bed. You have a big day tomorrow, baby Jesus." Lois said as she takes stewie in her arms.
"Trust me, woman, if I could walk on water, I would stroll you out to the middle of a lake and hold your head under until the bubbles stopped!" Stewie said as he complains about his roll play Jesus.
"Someone's being naughty, not nice. You know, Santa's watching you." Lois said as she warns stewie about Santa.
"What the devil do you mean, "watching"?" Stewie said as he is now nerves.
"Well, honey, Santa's making a list and checking it twice." Lois said as meg and Persephone join in.
"He sees you when you're sleeping." Meg and Persephone said as John and Tyler join in the fun.
"And he knows when you're awake." John and Tyler said as Chris come in with Frank Jr.
"I almost caught him last year. But he's magic!" Chris said as Frank Jr being to put on his PJS.
"Constant surveillance of every child on Earth? Impossible! Unless...hidden cameras. Oh, very clever. Watching to see if I'm naughty, are you? Well, check this twice!" Stewie said as he thinks that Santa watching him by Christmas adornments as he moon the adornment Santa.
We now join the gang sing rock the boat as Peter driving around town.
Frank, Menma, Rage, Zeke, Negi, Joe, Quagmire & Cleveland:
Rock the boat
Cleveland and Menma
Don't rock the boat baby
Frank, Menma, Rage, Zeke, Negi, Joe, Quagmire & Cleveland:
Rock the boat
Cleveland and Menma
Don't tip the boat over
Frank, Menma, Rage, Zeke, Negi, Joe, Quagmire & Cleveland
Rock the boat
Cleveland and Menma
Don't rock the boat baby
Frank, Menma, Rage, Zeke, Negi, Joe, Quagmire & Cleveland
Rock the booooaaaattttt!
Frank, Menma, Rage, Zeke, Negi, Joe
Rock on!
Hey, guys. Check me out! Whoa! Quagmire said as he opens the door to play chicken until he hits himself by a dog.
As the Dog whimpering while the car was moving along, they stop to play game as Joe clims on top of a light pole until Joe falls on the floor.
"Uhhh, aaaaaaah, Oh, no! I've broken my legs!" Joe said as he Grunting and Screaming. Until everyone laught at his joke.
"That's about as funny as Sinbad. Not the comedian, he's hilarious-the sailor. But then again, he was never meant to be funny." Frank said as he complains while being drunk off his ass.
"Now come on. I gotta go to freakin' Toys for Toddlers." Peter said as he need to do his chores.
"Sounds like somebody's got a humbug up his butt." Cleveland said as his boys laugh.
"Maybe we should set him up with another lemon snow cone, eh?" Quagmire said as he suggests that they give a pee snow cone to Peter.
"No, thanks. The last one you gave me didn't taste like lemon at all! It tasted like...oh, you guys are asses!" Peter said as he drives away with Frank as the gang laugh.
Now we join stewie in the family room near the tree looking around the presents.
"I knew you were awake." Santa said as he appear out of nowhere.
"You!" Stewie said as he fires his laser at Santa but nothing is working on him.
As Tense instrumental music is playing in the background while Santa cave closer to stewie.
"Now, Stewie, you are in my power." Santa said as he drags stewie into his gift sack.
"No, damn you! Damn you, let me go!" Stewie said as he fell inside in Santa's bag.
As we now join Santa at his workshop at the north pole check on the elf progress on the toys.
"Good, Melvin. Nice work, Woodrow. Excellent, Stewie." Santa said as he made stewie his elf zombie slave.
As Sinister instrumental music playing in the background while stewie wakes up because what happened to him was a nightmare.
"Aah! It was just a dream. I needn't fear this Santa. If he were truly omnipotent, he'd have the testicular fortitude to show himself!" Stewie said as he shouts at his room to challenged Santa until Frank Jr woke up and slap stewie in the face from waking him up.
See? I'm just barking at the dark. No one here but me." Stewie said as he nervously humming while holding Rupert.
"All right, where is it? Where's the wire? Show yourself, Claus!" Stewie said
"Stewie, go to sleep!" Lois said as she pisses off Frank Jr since it his job to put stewie in his place not hers.
"This doesn't involve you, Grandma!" Frank Jr said as he argues with Lois.
"I don't want to have to come in there." Lois said as she push her response on Frank Jr.
"I don't want to have to come in there, since you are already in the nude!" Frank Jr said as he points his finger.
Meanwhile at the kitchen, everyone was having pancakes for breakfast as Frank and Peter walk in all grumpy.
"Shhh. Frank and Dad's awake." Meg said as everyone just act normal.
"Don't bother whispering. we don't have a hangover." Peter said as he was grumpy
"It's a Christmas miracle!" Brian, John and Tyler said as he said sarcastically.
"Shouldn't you guys have your sweaters on?" Frank said as he burns them by telling them the house's Christmas rule.
As Brian, John and Tyler Groaning, then they went to get their horrible sweaters. While Lois and Meg kissed their husbands
"That's for letting Joe join in your reindeer games. Now you go relax while I make my little Christmas angel a big stack of pancakes." Lois said as she starts making them their pancakes.
"If I'm sleeping, just stuff 'em in my mouth and rub my throat." Peter said as he and Frank went to sit on the couch to watch TV.
"Just one more thing." Lois said
"Mom/Lois!" Frank and Peter shouted as they groan.
"I need you to take the presents out of the trunk." Lois said as she leaves while the two with the trio watch TV.
"Aren't you gonna do it?" Brian asked the duo.
"It's already done. we dropped them all off at Toys for Toddlers last night." Peter said
"All? Peter, only one gift was for charity." John and Tyler said together.
"The rest were for the family." Brian said as he explains that one gift was for the charity the rest was for the family.
"No. The rest were "from" the family. Weren't they?" Peter said until he freaky out.
"Oh, crap. Since when did they change the meaning of "for" to "from"?" Frank asked the group.
"I think they had a meeting about it last night." Brian said.
"Why wasn't I told?" Peter asked the group.
"They sent you a card. But it said "For Peter" on it." John try to answer him but pass it to Tyler.
"So you must've thought it was "from" you, so you didn't..." Tyler said as he tries to make it easy but he passes it to Brian.
"you know, it's just easier to call you stupid." Brian said as the scene fades to black.
Meanwhile at the Quahog Country trailer park, the Mallque/Griffin gang arrive with a plan.
"You're really gonna take back donated gifts on Christmas Eve?" Frank asked his father in law in response.
"Yep. Now here's the plan. You'll enter through the air conditioning duct here. Now, there'll be an invisible laser grid three inches above the floor. So you two have to compress your bodies to the size of a household sponge and slide underneath like some kind of weird amphibious dolphin." Peter said as the gang just look at peter with awe of his sheer stupidity.
"Can I buy some pot from you?" Brian aske Peter if he was selling pot until the trailer door open.
"What 'choo want?" Hick mother said as red neck does.
As Hicks Hollering while the gang enters the trailer to explain to the couple about this situation.
"So you understand all these gifts were supposed to be for my family. It was just some crazy mix-up." Peter said as he explains to the family that those gift were for his family.
"Kill 'em." Hick Mother said as she is not buy it as her husband grabs his gun.
As the Hick Father Pumps shotgun to kill the gang.
"No, no, no. It's true. You see, that remote control cow was for Chris, John, and Tyler. And those barrettes were for my wife and her sister Persephone." Frank said.
"And, uh... Hey, where's my VCR?" Peter said as he turns towards the bathroom where two boys were fighting for the VCR.
"Dang it, Buck. It's my turn to use the sex box!" Hick Child 1 said as he pulls the VCR to his side.
"It's my sex box! And her name is Sony." Buck said as he pulls the VCR to his side.
Now back at the Mallque/Griffin house in the kitchen as Frank and Peter explain to Lois of all the family gift are now owned by trailer park trash.
"You gave away all the presents?" Lois said
Lois, if you strike us down, we shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Peter said as he and the group cover themselves while what peter was almost an exact quote of Obi-Wan Kenobi in his climactic duel with Darth Vader in Star Wars.
"Peter, you and the boys brought glad tidings to a family less fortunate than your own." Lois said as she was touch.
"You mean you're not mad?" Frank said as he questions Lois on not being angry.
"Well, I am little irritated that I have to do all the shopping again. But at least some good came out of it." Lois said as the gang relax by that news.
"So we can drink beer and watch TV? 'cause, you know, Frank and KISS Saves Santa's on." Peter said as he set up a very special cutaway.
Cutaway
We see Frank and the rock band KISS with Mrs. Claus at the North Pole.
"But, Mrs. Claus, who would kidnap Santa?" Ace Frehley asked.
"Well, Ace, that's what I want you boys to find out" Mrs. Claus wondered.
"Someone stole Santa? That does not rock!" Gene Simmons shouted.
"Easy, Gene. Guys, let's go save Christmas. To the KISS Copter!" Frank and Paul Stanley suggested as the band cheered.
As Adventurous instrumental music play, they KISS copter leave while Frank and the band does their kiss faces.
Cutaway Ends
"You can watch all the TV you want-[kiss]-just as soon as we get back from the mall." Lois said as she get dress to leave to the mall with the family.
"The mall?" Frank said in shocked.
"On Christmas Eve?" Peter said as he was too shocked to get gifts on Christmas eve.
"Frank and Dad, We just want this family to have a perfect Christmas. And I need a little help, okay?" Meg said as she threatens them on what they done and they still need to get gifts.
"Brian, my turkey's in the oven. Can you turn it off at 3:00?" Lois said as she about to leave to the front door.
"No problem." Brian said as they family leave towards the mall.
"We'll shop, come home, eat, and then it's off to the pageant to see our little Stewie play baby Jesus." Lois said as she can't wait for stewie to play Jesus at the pageant.
"Oh, yes, yes. By all means, turn me into a child star. Perhaps I can move to Cal-i-for-ni-a and wrangle me a three-way with the Olsen twins." Stewie said as John, Tyler and Frank Jr look at stewie with a weirded out expression.
As the Brakes squeaking while the family arrive at the quahog mall parking lot.
"There's a spot!" Lois said as she points toward a free parking spot.
As the car Tires screeching until another car took the spot.
"Ah, screw this." Peter said as he hacks the spot by parking on top of the other car.
As the family enter the mall with much preparation of shopping the good.
"Okay, Frank and Peter. We'll each take half the list to save time. Kids, why don't you take Stewie to see Santa?" Lois said as she points to the mall Santa.
"Santa?" Stewie said as he is shock to see his foe right in the open with Menacing instrumental music playing in the background.
"No, it's not possible! Sitting alone in this public setting? No bullet-proof glass? Claus, you make it too easy. Change me! I've leaked through my ski pants and I won't face him wet!" Stewie said point his finger at Persephone to change his diaper.
As we now join Brian at the house put more wood on the fire of the chimney as he watches a Christmas special on TV.
"We now return to Bob Hope's Christmas with the Troops." Announcer said.
"It's good to see you Union boys. I would've been here sooner, but Lincoln gave me the wrong "Gettysburg Address." How about this having to sit still for 60 seconds to have your picture taken? How 'bout that?" Bob Hope said.
Meanwhile back at the Mall Peter and Frank found their Christmas special.
"Sweet! It's Frank and KISS Saves Santa. Peter said as He and Frank watch the special, the kiss group found Santa in a pterodactyl's nest.
"Hang on, Santa. We're coming." Ace Frehley said as he tells Santa to hang on.
"Hurry, boys. The eggs are hatching!" Santa said as the eggs were hatching.
"What do we do?" Peter Kriss asked Paul and the gang.
"Wait a second. Everyone knows pterodactyls can't stand the screech of a guitar!" Paul Stanley said as Frank grab his guitar as he plays a Heavy metal guitar solo while the baby pterodactyls began to fall off one by one.
"It's working!" Gene Simmons said as their plan is working until Santa accidently fall off the nest barley hanging on the edged.
Hey, Santa, be careful! Oh, no! Hang on, Santa! Frank and KISS said until the TV turns off as a Clerk sell the TV to a customer.
"Hey, I was watching that! Hey!" Peter said as he and Frank watch the TV and his owner walk away.
"It'll be on next Christmas." Clerk said which piss off both Frank and Peter.
"Who the hell knows when that's gonna be?" Frank said as they both moan.
Meanwhile back at the Mallque/Griffin house Brian watch Tv until the Oven timer dings and it was time to take out the turkey for Christmas eve dinner. As Dramatic instrumental music play as a small bit of fire lands on a round carpet.
Meanwhile Brian ties to open the oven only to burn his paws.
"Ah! If I was an oven mitt..." Brian said as he thinks on where did Lois hid her oven mitts. Until the Smoke detector ringing as Brian run towards the living room to find a fire starting. Brian finds a fire extinguisher, but to his dismay it is merely a novelty item filled with plastic snakes.
"Damn it, Peter!" Brian said as He curses Peter for this.
As we join Stewie sitting on Santa's lap while Santa talking to stewie.
"Ho, ho, ho. And what can I bring you this year?" Santa said
"Oh, a peace offering is it? Very well, what say you trim those gin-soaked whiskers and bring me some plutonium?" Stewie said
"Well, can you be a good boy?" Santa said
"Your inquiry intrigues me. Can any of us be a good boy? Are our primal urges innate, or the result of the choices we make?" Stewie said
"Okay. Wrap it up, kid." John and Tyler said as they are bored.
"All right, Kringle! If the reward is plutonium, then your wager is accepted." I will be "nice." Stewie said as he made his promise while he eventually plays along in hopes of pleasing Santa, who he believes is omnipotent and thereby can supply him with plutonium.
"Good boy! Now smile for the camera." Santa said as he tells him to smile for the photo.
"Yes, yes. Smile, like a good boy." Stewie said as he takes a photo with Santa with john and Tyler posing in the background.
As Dramatic instrumental music as Brain run towards the living room with the real fire extinguisher as he extinguisher the fire but he can control the flow.
"Aaaaaah!" Brian said as he flies around.
As we now join Frank and Peter at the jewelry store
"Aha, Meg's barrettes." Frank said as he makes a grab for the Barrettes until old lady grab it.
"You mean, Julie's barrettes!" Old Woman said as she holds the barrettes.
"You still want 'em, your bony old blue hair?" Frank said as he dodged her titty twister.
"Ow, ow! Tittie twister! Ow, hurts!" Peter said as he got the titty twister, then old lady walk away.
As Dramatic instrumental music, Frank and Peter chase the old lady around the mall until they reach the escalators. When they reach the top floor, they lost the old lady but then the found the mall's map as it reveals the old lady's location, the age of aquariums Fish pet store.
"Aha!" Frank said as he found the old lady, now he and Peter surround her to get the barrettes.
"All the clown fish and yellow tangs in the world can't help you now." Peter said as he gets close to the old lady until the old lady cover them in fish flakes.
"That's it? Fish food? That's your ace in the hole? Hahaha! Well then this is not going go well for You!" Frank said as he grabs the old lady close to him to cover her in the fish food. Then she panics since the fish attack all of them.
"Oh, God! Ow, ow, ow!" Peter, Frank and the old lady were screaming in pain by biting fish.
"ow, I got the barrettes, ow, lets go!" Frank said as he and peter made a run for it leaving the old lady to her doom.
As we join Brain used fire extinguisher to clear out the fire until Brian remembers something important.
"Turkey!" Brian said as run towards the kitchen to turn off the fire of the oven as Valve squeaking empty. Then Brain run to find something to cover his hand when he gets the turkey out until he slips on the fire extinguisher flood.
As Brian Screaming he crash near the tv as it fell on top of him. Now we join the Family in the car while Peter shivers from the fish attack.
"Oh, Mom, Meg, it was horrible. The fish were jumping all over my eyes and in my nose." Frank said as he shivers from his attack by goldfish.
"And on the way out, I think one of them muttered something anti-Semitic." Peter said as he worrieds that the fish might come to attack them at home.
We're almost home, honey. Oh, look. There's the star on the town Christmas tree. We're following it home just like the Three Wise Men. Lois said as she set up another Christmas cutaway.
Cutaway
"So, what did you get him?" Wise Man 3 asked.
"Gold" Wise Man 1 answered.
"Gold? I thought we agreed on a $5 limit here?" Wise Man 2 wondered.
"Yeah. I just got him a crappy little bottle of myrrh" Wise Man 3 explained.
"Hello! Frankincense! You always do this!" Wise Man 2 shouted.
"Okay, okay. Look, we'll put everything together and put all our names on it" Wise Man 3 suggested.
"No!" Wise Man 1 shouted.
"Yes!" Wise Man 3 snapped.
"No! You can't…" Wise Man 1 refused.
Cutaway Ends
As they return the house to find The interior of the house is destroyed, but Brian escapes with minor burns.
"Oh, my God! Brian, are you okay?" Lois said as she Gasping
"I told you we should've left cookies for Santa." Chris said
"My couch! My TV! What the hell did you do?" Peter said as he Hollering at his dog.
"Me? Who the hell buys a novelty fire extinguisher?" Brian said as He curses Peter for this.
"I'll tell you who. Someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his whole family at serious risk." Peter said as they were about to attack each other.
"Boys, please. It's Christmas Eve. This is a night for magic, and wonder, and joy. Okay, so a couple of things have gone wrong. But we can still have a great Christmas." Lois said as Amazingly, Lois maintains a cheerful attitude.
"Aw jeez, kids. You know, I was this close to losing it. But your mom's right." Peter said Sighing as he calms down.
"Well, sure I am. Meg, honey, get me some paper towels. Let's lose the bad tidings, clean up this mess, and find that holiday cheer." Lois said as the family All Muttering in agreement and she saying that they just need to clean up a bit.
We're out of paper towels. Meg said
"No paper towels? Aaaaahahaah!" Lois Screaming as she freaks out, a dark haze started to surround her
"Hey, I was gonna pick at that." Peter said
"Shut your fat mouth! You all think Christmas just happens? You think all this goodwill just falls from the freakin' sky? Well, it doesn't! It falls out of my holly jolly butt! So, you can cook your own damn turkey and wrap your own damn presents! And while you're at it, you can all ride a one-horse open sleigh to hell!" Lois said She screams at the family about how difficult it is to ensure that Christmas happens without a hitch as she started to growl as she then started to roar loudly as the darkness around her expanded to dangerous lengths. Then she jumps out the window with Panting maniacally to destroy Christmas.
"Oh. Here's the paper towels." Meg said as she notices that she found the paper towels next to the window.
As Lois rampages through Quahog in a frenzied rage, she stomps into a black and white scene of George Bailey saying "I've changed my mind. I wanna live again. I wanna live again!" before He being pushed by Lois into the river below while he Screaming. This is a reference to the film It's a Wonderful Life.
As Jolly instrumental music was playing During Lois' rampage, she runs across a group of children celebrating the creation of Frosty the Snowman.
"Hey, I guess there's some magic in that old silk hat." Frosty the Snowman said as he is thankful to be alive.
As Lois snarling as she walk by the group of children and Frosty the Snowman
Merry Christmas! Frosty the Snowman said until Lois punch Frosty head off.
"Easy, lady." Kid 1 said until he get fist near his face.
"You want some of this!" Lois said Mindless cackling and she walks away. As the kids rebuild Frosty as he wakes again but piss off.
"Ah! What the hell is her problem? Frosty the Snowman said as he walks toward Lois to give her the business.
"Frosty, let it go!" Kid 2 said as she tries to stop him.
"Just a second, just a second. Hey, lady, you got something to say to me?" Frosty the Snowman said as he starts give her the business.
"Yeah, all he did was wish you a Merry Christmas." Kid 2 said as she argued with her.
"Wish? It's easy to wish. But does anyone take responsibility and make it happen? No! You all expect someone else to do it for you like Santy Claus or Mommy!" Lois said as she melts the happy creature by spitting alcohol across a lit match.
"What the... Ah! Take it off! Take it off!" Frosty the Snowman said Screaming The magical hat brings him to life, only to be a curse when it was on fire.
As Eerie instrumental music play mean Lois is going to do something worse.
"Must kill star." Lois said as she reaches the town square, she notices the huge Christmas tree there, looking the ornamental star on top. She now bent on destroying the star.
Meanwhile back at the house, everyone was worried about what they did.
"Frank, Dad, what happened to Mom? What if she never comes back?" Chris said as he asked them about get Lois back.
"I think the bigger question is if this is the way she's gonna act at Christmas do we even want her back?" Peter said as stewie dress in his Jesus costume.
"Which is better? Around the waist or off the shoulder? Waist? Shoulder? Waist? Shoulder?" Stewie said as he is eager to perform a good deed to earn Santa's grace.
"Stewie, I thought you didn't want to be in the pageant." Frank Jr and Meg said as they asked stewie on why he dress for the pagent.
"Oh, Megan, Santa would think it terribly naughty of me not to fulfill my obligation to Mother. You know how much the pageant means to her." Stewie said.
"Where do you think she is?" Chris asked his father on where Lois is and Peter take out a laptop.
"Well, thank God years ago I planted a homing device in your mother's skull for just such an occasion." Frank said.
As the laptop Beeping showing a lot of dot around the map of the country.
"I forgot. I also put 'em in a bunch of squirrels. This isn't goint to do us any good. May as well see if she's at the pageant." Peter said as he slaps his forehead.
At the town square, Lois begins to climb the huge Christmas tree there, bent on destroying the ornamental star on top.
You lied to me. Lois said
Oh, my God! There's Mom! Meg said
Hi, Lois! Hey, do we look like ants down here? Peter said as He dodges a Christmas ordainment that was thrown by Lois.
"Bite me!" Lois said as she continued to climb the tree. When Maddie and Rosie come by with their moms.
"What's your grandmother doing on that tree!?" Maddie asked her friend.
"She seems angry, I forgot why!" Frank Jr said as he scratches his head. That's when Joe comes in with his cop buddies.
"Frank, sorry for being your face, Peter, great time last night. Don't worry. We'll get Lois down." Joe said as his sniper gets his gun ready.
"Locked and loaded, sir." Sniper said as he points his gun at Lois.
"Wait. You can't shoot my mom!" Meg said as she tries to stop them from killing her mom.
"Don't worry, kid. It's just a mild sedative. Go!" Joe said as the sniper fire at a car then the car explodes. That's when peter step up to save the day.
"All right, hang on. Look, Lois is only up there because we sucked the Christmas spirit right out of her. Maybe if she sees the pageant it'll bring her around. Give her a chance, eh?" Peter said as he makes a speech about her wife Christ being drain by his and Frank stupiding.
"Trust him, Joe." John and Tyler said in agreement.
"This man has seen every Christmas special ever made." Brian said as he explains that Peter and Frank have the stuff to save the day.
"Are you wearing a girl's sweater?" Joe asked the trio as he piss them off.
"Does that really matter right now?" John, Tyler and Brian said as Joe back off as get close to Peter.
"You got 10 minutes." Joe said as the babies began to worried.
"There's got to be a way to stop her from destroying everything." Maddie asked the group.
"If you want to stop her, why don't you two go after her by climbing that tree?" Stewie said as he points at his mother on top of the tree and tells them to do what she do.
"Alright... Rosie said as she and sister got nest to the tree.
They both started to climb, as they were booth 3 feet high they stopped and realize something.
"Hey wait a minute..." Maddie said as they stop climbing to realized something.
They realized that while they're climbing, Stewie took pictures of the girls' diapered butts.
"Dahahahahaha... I knew you two were gullible enough, I didn't really ask for you to stop that vile woman, I just wanted you to climb high enough for me to your plastic padded butts from here." Stewie said as he continued to take pictures of the girls' diapered butts.
"Darn it! What is with you and your habit?" Rosie said.
"Are you trying be like Quagmire?" Maddie said as she compares stewie to quagmire.
"Pfft! No. I just like to amused myself with your humility." Stewie said his answer.
"Oh is that so." Maddie said as she appears back of stewie with evil grin.
"Dammit..." Stewie said as he was surrounded and he was so screwed.
Stewie starts to run off but end up being caught by Rosie after she lands on him and restrain his arms, Stewie struggles, but Rosie is too heavy for him to escape as she's on top of Stewie. All Stewie could do is look up at the night sky when Maddie comes up next to Stewie from his low angle view.
"I think us girls will have to give you a special present for you." Maddie said as she grabs stewie by his pants.
"And what present is it?" Stewie asked in fear.
"The gift of discipline." Maddie said as she takes off her diaper off.
The next thing Stewie sees is Maddie's white padded plastic butt under her dress lands on Stewie's face.
"What the deuce are you doing?" Stewie said Muffled by Maddie butt.
The next thing happens is Maddie farted Stewie's face making him scream in panic. Meanwhile, as Maddie was sitting on Stewie's face, Rosie then unbuttons Stewie's overalls and pulls them off, then Maddie gets off and hold's Stewie's while Rosie pulls off Stewie's yellow shirt. Then the two angry toddlers placed Stewie in the manger.
"Let's see how you like it when your humiliated." Rosie said as she takes her cellphone out of her pocket.
She then takes a picture of Stewie with his phone then Frank Jr drags Stewie to the manger.
Meanwhile, Lois looked down and saw Peter in a manger which then snaps out of her rage.
"Lights, please." Peter said as the lights set on him.
"As we all know; Christmas is that mystical time of year when the ghost of Jesus rises from the grave to feed on the flesh of the living. So we all sing Christmas carols to lull him back to sleep." Peter said something stupid which piss off someone in the audience.
"Outrageous! How dare he say such blasphemy! I've gotta do something!" Bob said as he about to go on stage but was stop by his friend.
"Bob, there's nothing you can do." Man said as he stops his friend.
"Well, I guess I'll just have to develop a sense of humor." Bob said as he Sighing as the play started with Bonnie dress as the virgin Mary.
"I am the Virgin Mary. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Oh, Our Savior has arrived." Bonnie said as bob didn't say anything while Bonnie takes out stewie from under her dress for his role and Frank Jr come up stage to introduce his uncle.
"Good evening. My Uncle is playing the role of Jesus. A man once portrayed on the big screen by Jeffrey Hunter. You may remember him as the actor who was replaced by William Shatner on Star Trek. Apparently Mr. Hunter was good enough to die for our sins but not quite up to the task of seducing green women." Frank Jr said as everyone didn't get his response.
"Anyhoo, the perennial dictum is to spread goodwill towards all men. The irony of course is that this is contrary to our nature. So why do we do it? Because we are being watched! And so we unselfishly think of others, assured that our good behavior will be rewarded with love and plutonium." Stewie said as he performs an extemporaneous monologue about Jesus and the meaning of Christmas, Lois watching Stewie, has a change of heart and begins to descend the tree.
"She's not getting it. Okay, boys, take her down." Peter said as that moment Frank Jr shoot her with a powerful tranquilizer dart at Peter's urging. Lois felt the tranqant on her butt as she faint into darkness.
At Griffin house on Christmas day everyone was opening presents.
"Merry Christmas, buddy." Peter said as he gives Brain his gift that's shape like a booze bottle.
"Wonder what this could be...oh." Brian said as he opens it to reveal that the gift was a book. Now we zoom in on Chris, Tyler, Frank Jr, the twins and Stewie opening their gifts.
"This Christmas rocks!" Chris said as he gets a toy car.
As Tyler gets a letter to shows that his last name is biteo and John has another clue about his parents while the kids was about to open their gifts.
"Mom, Stewie's opening his gifts." Meg said as she to talk to her mother but she was out of it by the tranquilizer.
"Mom?" Persephone said as she too tries to get a response out of her but failed.
"It's okay, Girls. Your mom's just full of Christmas cheer and enough tranquilizer to bring down a bull elephant." Frank said as he think that finally he and peter can relax for once on Christmas.
"Uh, honey, you got a little something...you got a little...I'll get it." Peter said as he takes out a napkin to clean out Lois's drool.
"Hungry Hungry Hippos? Claus, you porcine double-crosser! And to think I was nice. Stewie said as he is piss off by his gift and saying that Santa didn't Honor his side of the deal.
"You got another one, dude." Chris said as he passes the gift to Stewie, he then opens it and gasp on what was inside the gift.
"Plutonium! He is real! He's really, really real!" Stewie said with glee.
"Why would you ever want plutonium for Christmas? You do realize Santa doesn't carry that kind of stuff." Maddie said as she questions Stewie's gift.
"That's what they all think, that 'Jolly' fat guy probably uses toys to hypnotize everyone to get you to think what toys you want forget what you actually want, unbeknownst to him is that I don't fall for that stuff." Stewie said as he spread off a rumor.
"Don't say that, you know he could be watching you, in fact, he could watch all of us." Rosie said as she tells him that santa is watch them right now on their behavior.
"Watch us? Ha! How could he watch us? He can't look at all the kids at the same time, they should know that eyes can only focus on one thing, and also, Isn't that naughty of him? He's probably watching us just to amuse him like he could be a pervert." Stewie said as he set up another Christmas cutaway.
Cutaway
We see Santa watching on a monitor looking at Stewie, Frank Jr, Maddie and Rosie
while he's sitting on the couch with his pants around his ankles while masturbating.
Oh yes, this is defiantly 'naughty' of you... heh heh... Come on Stewie, lift those hot girls skirts like last time again, I've got a naughty bone to give coal... Santa said
Mrs. Claus comes in as Santa quickly turns off the monitor.
Santa, are you masturbating at children again? Mrs. Claus said
Dammit Honey, can't you see that I'm having my alone time?! Santa said
Cutaway end
So, Frank, Peter, did you get everything you wanted for Christmas? Brian said
"You bet. A Super Nintendo, A week's vacation, a new VCR." Frank said as he shows them his gifts.
"And best of all, my own copy of Frank and KISS Saves Santa. Peter said as he [play his copy of Frank and KISS Saves Santa as it show the group at the north pole with Santa and miss Claus.
"You just practice that guitar, Santa. Next time we'll let you do a solo." Ace Frehley said
"Don't encourage him!" Mrs. Claus said as they all laugh triumphallly.
"Merry Christmas, Stewie." Rosie said as she give stewie a gift.
"We got you a little something, it may not be... what was it? plu-ton-ni-um? whatever it is...? But I hope it counts." Maddie said with a smile.
Stewie takes his present and unwraps it to find a DVD copy of 'The Sixth Sense'.
"A DVD copy of 'The Sixth Sense', that seems unusual... What this about?" Stewie asked the twin about this movie.
"Why don't you find out for yourself?" Frank Jr said as he walks out of the living room with the twins.
"Alright I will, how bad could it be?" Stewie said
2 hours later, Stewie watched the whole movie and literally turned white after he saw it, he made a one-pound mess in his diaper and unbeknownst to him, there is a wireless camera planted in his room, it was connected to a laptop downstairs in his basement and Brian, John, Tyler, Frank Jr, Maddie and Rosie were watching Stewie's reaction (without the audio) and find Stewie's reaction hilarious and amusing.
"Best. Christmas. Ever." Brian said as he was watching stewie scared look.
"I can't wait to see this once it goes viral." Maddie said as she downloads the footage into youtube.
As we zoom in at the living room with the family.
"From all of us at Family Guy..." Brian said as we zoom in and the Griffin twins.
"...we wish you Christmas joy." Meg and Persephone said as we zoom in at chris.
"May all your wishes now come true..." Chris said as we zoom in at stewie.
"...for every girl and boy." Stewie said as we zoom in at Peter.
"We hope your freakin' holidays are filled with fun and cheer." Peter said as we zoom in at Frank and Frank Jr.
"So have a Merry Christmas and..." Frank and Frank Jr said as we zoom in at Lois said Incomprehensible mumbling.
"Super happy New year!" John and Tyler said as they said what Lois was supposed to said.
In the closing scene, the Mallque and Griffin family, including a heavily sedated Lois, wishes viewers a merry Christmas. Lois sits on a rocking chair, drooling.
Chapter ends
I hope everyone enjoyed! This is thanking for pen123 and Family Guy Fan writer 15, Thank you all for cutaways, scenes, favoring, having me on alerts, PM ideas. Also Doc X me if you want to help with scenes for next chapter because I need the ideas.
