I AM SO, SO SORRY FOR THE DELAY!

I said that I'll update this story frequently and yet I didn't. But life went crazy and I think that you understand that I didn't feel the need to write when feeling maxed out.

From now on, I'll try to update this story weekly!

However, hope that you'll like this update, and you're more than welcome to tell me what you think.

Oh, and thank you for following and for the favourites.

Enjoy,

T73.

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This morning, it is even harder to drag myself out of bed and down the stairs. I'm not quite sure why, but it feels like a heavy burden is still weighting on my shoulders, not to mention my heart. Perhaps it's because that my girlfriend didn't have the intention to face me for only once during her sleep, or when the alarm went off. It's not like I don't know that PTSD can be a bitch, on the contrary, I'm a pro when it comes to that, and I can't imagine what Maura had to go through. Normally, she'd tell me about her fears, her nightmares, and that she's closing up even to my mother worries me very much. Ma has been her safe harbor after Phil Harris abducted her, even though Ma had to give her a little push. Don't get me wrong, my mother did NOT tell me anything she and Maura had shared, but she told me that Maura had opened up to her and entrusted things she even didn't tell her therapist. And believe me, I am sure that Ma was dying to tell me what they've been sharing, but she never lost a word. Which surprised me.

While I drag myself down the stairs I can feel that the little sleep hasn't been close enough to recover from the last months of Maura tossing and turning and to wake with a start. Somehow, after she told me not to touch her last night, and I did meet her wish, it appeared like she had fallen into a peaceful slumber. I should have known that I was wrong. It took me a hell of a time until I reached that state of mind after Hoyt had gone after me three times. And still, he's haunting me at some nights even though I know that he won't hurt anyone anymore, I made sure of that once and for all by stabbing him to death. But Maura's fiend in human shape is still alive, sitting in a prison cell and hatching his next plot, and he won't see the sunlight anymore. I am one hundred percent sure about that.

While I walk tiredly in the direction of the kitchen and try to banish the unbearable pictures from my mind. Pictures of the abandoned butchery, pictures of the dried blood where it shouldn't have been and of the basement in which Maura has been held captive for far too long. I still can't explain why it took us so long to find her. And I don't blame her that she's taxing me with failing her. Hell, even I do that since she got abducted. I mean, it already bothered me that Joe Harris had been able to fool us all and that he took her away from me just because he had been manipulated by a psychopath. He probably believed every single lie Alice Sands had told him. No, I'm beyond sure about that. She was some malipulating bitch. In Maura's case, it was different, it felt different. Me and my team did everything when Harris kidnapped her, so did we the second time. I -

"You look tired, Jane." My mother's voice brings me back to reality and I jump, placing my hand over my racing heart.

"Jesus, Ma!" I hiss harshly and fuel my brows. Why did I not notice her? Does she have some kind of ninja skills, or have I had been so deep in thoughts? Probably both. I mean, I can't count anymore how many times Ma walked in on us when Maura were about to get it on. To be fair, we've been on the couch when she caught us. I think that this scared Ma more than Maura and me. One morning, after it happened again, my mother asked us if we'd be aware of the fact that this house has more than just one bedroom, and that she won't help Maura with cleaning up the house if we don't take our togetherness up to our bedroom.

However, I'm sure that she haven't had the intention to startle me, I can see it in her worried eyes.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," she replies and starts to pour a cup of coffee, and I feel bad immediately.

I smile at here and shrug like this never had happened. "Don't apologize for this, Ma. I know that you didn't mean to scare the shit out of me." My smile drops and I need a second before I continue. "It's just -"

Ma nods slowly and avoids eye contact. "How is she doing?" She now looks at me. "How are you doing?"

A heavy sigh escapes from my lungs and I roll the mug between my hands. How am I supposed tell my mother that things seem to break apart? How am I supposed to tell my mother that we're about to drift apart? I know that my mother loves Maura and that she was worried sick when Maura has been abducted once more. Hell, I even didn't tell Ma that this happened thrice. I mean Paddy Doyl, if you know what I mean. I know, he didn't do it to harm Maura, but in my eyes it is still abduction. However, already once is one time too much. I look down at the steaming beverage and nod to myself. "She's doing okay, Maura will be fine again. And I am doing okay, too." I know she sees through me because she opens her mouth to protest, but she doesn't because all of a sudden we hear footsteps approaching us.

I turn my head and cant help the surprised look on my face when I see Maura entering the kitchen. Normally, she sneaks in when no one is around, most of her time she's spending her time in her God damn study. I smile at her and nearly jump to my feet. "Hey there. Good morning."

Surprisingly, Maura smiles back at me and my heart jumps at that sight. It's been way too long she looked at me without the slightest hint of reproach. "Good morning to you, too."

I have to use all of my willpower not to flinch as soon as I feel her hand on my back. What the hell? Does that mean that we start to go back to our routine. Which means a lot of eye contact and touching as much as possible without any ulterior motives? Okay, perhaps some ulterior motives, innocent ones. I don't care right now, all that matters to me is that Maura is seeking contact with me, that has to mean something.

God, how I missed her hand on my back, her lips on mine or my skin. How I miss her hands roaming over my - Okay, I have to stop that train of thoughts right there, otherwise I'll explore. I clear my throat and feel my cheeks reddening when Maura looks at me. I lower my eyebrows when she smirks lightly and somehow, in that moment, our once usual banter has been revived for a second and it warms me, and it warms my heart. I already started to believe that she and I are over and done, but this moment gives me hope again and the voice in the back of my mind tells me not to give up just yet. I mean, there are a dozen of times Maura didn't give up on me easily, neither while I give up on her without fighting. And let's be honest, there isn't a couple who isn't struggling at some point. And we, no, she went something awful, I don't mind it that she's blaming me for it even though Ma always tries to convince me that it wasn't my fault. I still turn a deaf ear to her when it comes to that topic. I still ask myself if it would have end that way if I'd have been faster, if my mind's would've worked quicker, if I'd drew connections faster. Well, we'll never know.

Ma places two plates with scrambled eggs and bacon in front of Maura and me and braces herself on the counter. "When are you going back to work?" She asks bluntly and I roll my eyes at her. "What? We all know that work is good for you, for both of you."

"Ma!" I groan.

"What? God knows I'm speaking the truth. Someone would have to break both of your legs to keep you away from headquarters, I'm talking about either of you. And even then, you'd have been crawling to BPD just to bring justice. What's keeping you know?"

I know that my mother means well, and that she didn't mean to sound angry or reproachful, but that's how it feels like. I briefly glance at Maura and see the painful look and my anger is raising. "Mom, stop right there." I say warningly even though I know she's right. I can understand that Maura needs a break after all, and I took one so I'd be there for her when she needs me. I couldn't have known that she'd hold me in contempt. But it's true, we both live for our work, Maura and me. But when I realized that Maura struggled to go back to the morgue, I thought I'd have to show some kind of solidarity with her and took a leave of absence. I wanted to show sympathy, I wanted her to know that we're in this together and that I won't go anywhere. Well, I wasn't expecting her reaction. I thought she'd be thankful for this, instead, we ended up in a fight because she didn't want to be the reason I'm quitting.

Let's be clear, I said, I am not quitting, I want to be there for you.

I'm still not sure if she heard me.

Maura is silent for a second before she grabs her plate. "I'd like to eat alone."

I knew that this would be her reaction but still furrow my eyebrows. "Maura -" She looks at me and tries to convince with the poor attempt to smile that she's fine. Nonetheless, her eyes are cold and I shut my mouth again, and she turns to leave without another word. I close my eyes and heave a sigh.

"I'm sorry, Jane." I hear my mother say and I once again look at her. "I didn't mean to make her feel uncomfortable."

I do know that and I am not mad at her, saying, "I don't think that it was you who made her feel uncomfortable, Ma." Before I have the chance to protest, I find myself in the arms of Ma and she nearly squeezes me to death, but I don't mind it and hug her back. Somehow, I cave for that action, to feel loved again. I mean, I know that Maura still loves me. Otherwise, I wouldn't be in this house anymore, but I am still human. I need to feel affection, even though I wouldn't say that out loud. I mean, I am Homicide Detective Jane Rizzoli, I am badass. In reality, I am a softy. Especially when it comes to the ones I love.

"Everything's gonna be okay, Jane," Ma whispers and kiss my head.

"I am not so sure about that," I reply hoarsely and feel my eyes watering. Jesus, it's not like Maura's the first woman I am with, but never have I been head over heels in love with someone like I am with Maura. It feels like she's my elixir vitae. Sometimes I wish her away and in the same time I know that I can't live without her.

Man sighs and nods against my head. "I know that everything's gonna be okay. Maura just needs time, honey."

Time, that I can give her, even though I am not know for my patience. But I rather die of impatience then of a broken heart.

I nod and we stay a little longer in that position. As I said, I am only human. I need the feeling of being loved, being wanted.