"Mikey get up."

"April, you need to decide what's more important here. My help or your AHH!"

Mikey just had enough time to grab onto his mattress to save himself from hitting the ground. He turned his head to see April with a firm grip on his leg and a frown that he wouldn't mess with.

"Come on!" April whined as she kept tugging at his leg "We need to decorate the play pen!"

He was close to snapping. But what could he do? The poor girl was still grieving. She didn't have to face it every day like he did, she could distract herself with school and her part time job or just about anything else.

He got it. Distractions were great because sometimes the silence in his lair was deafening.

And Mikey loved his boys he really honestly did and he felt awful for thinking this way, but he didn't feel the way she did. He was stuck in the sewers with them every day, going through the same routine he never got a break from. No quiet time to himself. It was either he had to feed them or change them or wash them or the lair needed to be cleaned and then he had to train then go out and get food and plan what they were going to eat for the week and then actually have to cook it. He was never away long enough to miss them like April did and he was just tired and everything felt like a chore. He was a parent now regardless of how that tore him up inside.

He wanted his dad in that moment.

"Fine, let me have a shower."

He didn't need one. He had showered the night before, after training. But he wanted a cry without having to deal with April. He loved her and he knew he wouldn't have gotten this far without her but damn it all if she didn't drive him up the walls sometimes. Because she didn't want to be sad, she wanted to be happy so she would focus on being only that. And Casey was always the one to catch the tail end of that storm when she would crash.

He waited for the water to warm up for two minutes.

"You have got to be kidding."

He turned the water off and on again and waited another two minutes. Still cold. Maybe he would just cry out of frustration.

"Rivet!" Mikey yelled as he stormed out of the bathroom and towards the lab. "The boiler isn't working. I swear if you took a part out of it I'll rearrange your bolts!"

All he got in response was a few dull beeps as he entered the lab. Rivet was slumped against the wall just next to the lab door. Mikey knelt down and tilted the robots head towards his. The lights of Rivets eyes were dull.

Today was going to be a disaster.

"Oh no what's wrong?" Mikey tried to give the robot the once over but he had no idea what he was looking for.

"Beep."

"I need more than that buddy." He didn't look broken. Not even a scratch. "Do you need to recharge?" Mikey whipped his head round the lab, looking for a power cord. Rivet had always taken care of himself, his maintenance and even upgrades.

Rivet shook his head and slowly got up, trudging his way across the lab leaving Mikey on the floor. He had never seen Rivet like this. Sure he had more personality than Mikey could have ever thought possible but lethargic and defeated was something he had never seen.

"Wait, are you sad?" If Rivet could mock him and take care of him why couldn't he feel sad? "Wow, I didn't even think, Rivet I'm sorry."

Rivet didn't respond. He just started to dig through a pile of paper on the desk.

Geez, Mike. You gotta give the guy more credit.

Of course his brother was capable of creating something, or someone, so human. Mikey had always thought Rivet just did what he did because he was built partially to be a butler-bot. And he always thanked him because Splinter had taught him manners. But he wondered if that actually got through to Rivet. Rivet could give himself upgrades and probably had been doing so for a year now so he had to be so much more than just a robot with a set list of skills. Mikey wondered, what if Rivet didn't have to be here anymore? What if he was doing everything just because he wanted to?

"Do you want to pray with me tonight? After everyone has gone."

Rivet turned around, his eyes brighter, a warm orange colour, and shook his head. He walked back to Mikey with a bit more confidence in his step and handed him a stack of papers.

"Is this for the boiler?" Mikey asked taking the papers and quickly reading over them. "You know just because I can remember what I'm about to read doesn't mean I can understand it."

Rivet just beeped and went to grab the nearest toolbox as Mikey stood up.

"You know it's weird." Mikey mumbled as he desperately tried to ignore the clanging noises in the kitchen. "I'm like a dad now. And your sort of like my brother. I haven't really thanked you for everything you've done. I probably would have starved myself if you weren't here. And I like to think that's not something Don programmed because I don't like to think he would plan for something so hopeless. So thanks for being so good to me, and for me."

Rivet didn't respond.

-:-

It took them half an hour to fix the boiler and it took Mikey about ten seconds of being under the warm stream of water to break down.

He could remember exactly where he was this time a year ago. He was in the kitchen, cooking cheesy potato pancakes because Splinter liked those as an every now and then breakfast. It was his way to say sorry for having his horror movie too loud the night before. It was an apology his father accepted gracefully and quietly.

He stood in the shower for twenty minutes till the water ran cold, hoping the sound drowned his sobs.

His chested ached. He missed Splinter the most (something that always started a vicious guilt spiral). His friends all took care of him and loved him, and he knew how much his brothers loved him, but his dad was different because your parents take care of you in a way your friends and siblings never should. His missed the way he would casually go to his father and hug him, or those rare occasions Splinter sought him out for affection. He even missed being yelled at and disciplined because he was learning now in such a hard way that that was good for him, as a person, as a ninja, and now as a parent. Because it didn't matter if the boys called him dad or brother, Mikey would have to be for them what Splinter was to him. That was scary.

Mikey didn't handle anxiety well. He had rarely dealt with it growing up, with his brothers carrying most of their burdens. And he was resentful of that. He knew they were protecting him and he let them do that but dammit he was a person too and they tried to rob him of his right to misery. Maybe if they had all worked through everything together in the past he would be handling now better. Or maybe the now would be different.

He could barely remember that night. He figured he had repressed the memories somehow or he was just too upset to take anything in. He'd gotten separated from his brothers once they got into the building. He hadn't paid much attention and wasn't sure why they were there. But he was quickly cornered and taken to some cell, a bare white room. He didn't know how long he was there for. But the next thing he knew his brothers were put on the ground in front of him by a Kraang.

"Your father is dead. I'm sorry."

Wait.

The guy had apologised. He must have been in serious shock not to realise it. Mikey closed his eyes and tried to dig deep into his memory, even as the cold water beat down his shell. The Kraang turned around and left.

That can't be it.

"Why did he apologise?" The Kraang didn't care. He knew his father had been lured topside after Mikey and his brothers were captured, but he always figured that was a Foot thing, not a Kraang thing. "Maybe I'm just imagining it."

He turned the water off and stepped out of the tub. He started to dry himself off on auto-pilot. The less he thought, the less he'd stress about just about everything that was nagging at him today.

-:-

"That was a long shower."

"I live in the sewer. No shower is long enough." Mikey laughed. April was pinning streamers to the play pen. Mikey had told her she couldn't decorate the whole lair (a conversation that ended in a fight that resulted in two days' worth of silent treatment on both ends). Casey bargained that the play pen was the canvas of her masterpiece.

"I made you breakfast," she mumbled. She wasn't looking him in the eye.

"Thanks." Suspicious.

The kitchen was spotless. But the air smelt of burnt bacon and a can of citrus air freshener, among other things. But all there was to show for it was a bowl of cereal, a milk carton, and a glass of orange juice on the island bench. Mikey eyed off the bin he knew was either full if whatever was in the air or empty in an attempt to hide the evidence.

Mikey gave her credit for trying. He poured milk into his bowl. Forgoing a spoon, he wandered back to April, alternating mouthfuls of his cereal and juice. "Is the decorating successful?"

"Super successful!" April stood up and backed away from her work. Mikey liked it. It wasn't too much but still enough to get the boys excited. Mikey had said no balloons; no one wants to deal with any explosions, followed by crying babies and or a panic attack.

"So who's coming exactly?" Mikey asked. "You never told me."

"Ummm, Casey and Shadow are out getting a cake and some food, Leatherhead said Rockwell and Pete are coming for sure. I haven't heard anything from Slash."

"Slash hasn't talked to me since Christmas. I don't think he'll show."

"Well I made sure Leatherhead let him know he was invited. And I told Casey to get enough food just in case he does show up."

There was a small, dark part of Mikey that hoped the guy wouldn't show up.

-:-

Somehow, even though April had spent so long beforehand stressing to him that she'd handle everything, Mikey ended up cooking for everyone.

"Casey, you know how to use a knife, right?"

"Yeah."

"Cut up the vegetables for me."

And somehow, that simple request turned into a fight between Shadow and Casey.

"Sensei! Casey took a sword from the dojo and is using it to cut carrots!"

"Your brother can do what he likes. Let him make himself into a one armed vigilante. See if I care!"

"That would be so cool. I'd get a hook!"

But it was fun, just hanging around and socialising. April was formally banned from the kitchen by Rockwell because he saw her crime scene from breakfast dumped just outside the turnstiles. Casey was on cutting duty, Pete hovered around the kitchen with Shadow following him, picking at food and raving on about different kinds of breads and how Rockwell was teaching him to read so he could make his own bread from recipes.

It was easy because no one let him stop to think. And not in the way Casey and April did sometimes about proper adult things. It was a joke, followed by a story, or a question from Rockwell about what he was making. Sure, everything about the morning had been put on a shelf in his mind but it wasn't crushing him like he felt it usually was.

"You really must teach me some of your ways, Michelangelo." Rockwell stood at the bench making tea for him and Leatherhead. "That way I can host sometimes. Pete says I cut bread wrong."

"You don't let Pete cut his own bread?"

"Oh heavens no. Would you trust that boy with a knife?"

Probably not when he thought about it. But Mikey had often woken up from midday naps to find Pete flying around the lair with one of the boys in a baby harness around his chest, and not once had any of those boys been dropped.

"Pete's not too bad. Maybe you just need to use a better knife for the bread. I know how to sharpen blades; we have all the tools for it here."

Domesticity. He hadn't experienced it for a while and it was nice. At least with other people who had the capacity to appreciate it.

"I'll bring them around Tuesday night, and you can teach me how to make a pizza dough."

"Done."

-:-

They dealt with presents while they waited for Mikey's soup to reduce. Mikey hadn't expected April to have gotten as much as she had.

"Did you buy a gift with very paycheque you got?"

"No. Some of this is second hand. I cleaned it all though!" April beamed as she stepped into the play pen with her bag of goodies. Mikey knew he didn't have much for the boys, having to dig up keepsakes from his and his brother's childhoods, and only bringing things from the dump when they were clean enough (which was rare). But April had so many gaudy coloured, plastic, light up things that made too much noise, he felt weirdly inadequate. But he smiled anyway as she explained to the boys how to use everything as if they understood or cared.

Rockwell, Pete and Leatherhead had gone a simpler route. They opted to make stuff toy versions of themselves made out of socks. Mikey thought they were the cutest things ever and was tempted to keep them for himself until Raph all but fell in love with his sock Pete.

"There's no buttons because I heard in the park once these mothers talking about how some kid had taken them off his bear and swallowed it!" Pete explained. "So we just used thread for the eyes and mouths. Shadow helped us get socks the right colour too!"

"Thanks guys." Mikey smiled and stretched his legs out on the couch. "They're awesome."

"Rooish, look! Casey and I saw how much April was getting for the boys so we got you something instead!" Shadow beamed. She jumped on his lap and shoved a box into his face. It was bigger than his head and green with an orange ribbon wrapped around it.

"Wow, thanks guys." He pulled at the ribbon, which Shadow quickly snatched from him with a sheepish look and began to thread it through her braid. "You're welcome, Shadow."

"Come on, hurry up!" She pushed the box in his hands. "We don't have all day."

"Shadow!" Casey growled.

Mikey pulled the lid off the box and tugged at the fabric inside. Letting the box drop he slowly realised that his gift was a hand crocheted blanket. It was orange with a turtle in the centre and big enough to cover a double bed.

"Where did you guys get this?"

"Our nan made it. She's been working on it for ages. Don't worry though! We told her our friend was having a hard time and really liked turtles."

"It gets cold down here. And you said you don't keep those portable heaters on when you sleep because you think they'll catch fire." Casey smirked and sat down next to Mikey, nudging him with his elbow.

"They will! There was a thing about it on the TV and everything!" He nudged Casey back and fiddled with the blanket. "Thanks guys. This is really great."

Shadow leaned up to wrap her arms around Mikey's neck. "Anytime."

-:-

"There's something I need to tell you." Rockwell was quiet as he and Mikey walked into the kitchen to check on the food.

"Oh geez, what?"

"Shredder and Karai." Rockwell crossed his arms. "They've gone back to Japan. My sources say they won't be coming back for quite some time."

"Sources?"

"They weren't exactly willing," Rockwell said with a smirk. "Apparently they don't have any business being here anymore. The Foot are just maintaining the base and a few business ventures."

"Hmm. That explains why we haven't heard anything from them."

"That's all I've been able to gather. The Foot have gone undercover, blending in with normal people."

"I need to tell you something too."

"Do tell."

"The Kraang that came and dropped off the boys told me Splinter was dead. He apologised." Rockwell searched Mikey's face and he squirmed under the stare. "I only remembered it this morning, I'm not even sure if it actually happened."

"I'm sure it did," Rockwell said comfortingly. "Do you think the one Kraang with a conscience just happened to wander into your cell that night?"

"No because he didn't talk like a Kraang." Mikey made a point to start busying himself with the food. "He spoke like us."

"Interesting. I'll keep an eye and ear out for such a thing."

"Thanks."

They moved around the kitchen quietly after that, both trying to process the new information.

-:-

Praying was hard. Not for any technical reason, but Mikey couldn't help but feel stupid. When he prayed he was usually in the middle of something, asking for help or cursing someone without really realising he was doing it. But as he lit the incense around his family shrine, on his and his mask respectfully off his face he just felt dumb. He had dishes to do and he had to start seriously thinking about cleaning his room and moving into the dojo bedroom, but instead he was taking an hour out of his time to meditate and talk to his family, who he wasn't sure could hear him. Plus, he wasn't sure he was even doing it right. He'd seen Splinter set himself up to pray countless times and could remember everything to a t, but self-doubt still gnawed at him.

The family portrait of Yoshi, Tang Shen and Miwa had been moved to the bottom shelf of the wall hung shrine, in favour of the last photo Mikey had of his family. It wasn't great. The camera was wonky and only half of Mikey's face was in the haphazard selfie, with the rest of his family behind him, sitting at the table. Splinter was smiling with amusement, Leo was ready for the attack photo with a big grin, Donatello had a calm look on his face as he was midway through slurping the broth from his ramen, and Raph was rocking the deer in headlights expression. It was his favourite photo that had migrated from his bedside table to the shrine at some point, maybe when he was cleaning.

Mikey closed his eyes. Hoping maybe his father would sense him and come. Mikey tried to find him, but it was hard when he didn't know where to look. But nothing happened. He didn't feel anything. He tried to dig deep and he focused as hard as he could but he got nowhere.

Maybe he wasn't strong enough or good enough to connect with the 'other side'. Or maybe there wasn't one. Defeated, he sat staring at the wall until the incense burnt out. He got up, checked that the boys were still sleeping soundly, and went to bed, curled up in his new blanket.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.


I said to myself I was going to try and write a happier chapter. Turns out I'm a liar. :)

Also I started a tumblr... nothing there yet, but I want to start posting fics there too and just run it as a TMNT blog. The user name is just mona-e-lisa ffnet keeps eating the link (thanks Taisi for pointing it out, I didn't realise it did that :) )