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Enjoy this chapter,

T73

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I am about to prepare the guest room for Claire as I hear the door open behind me. I don't need to turn around to know that Maura's friend is standing behind me and is watching me closely. I don't turn around because I don't to be analyzed by s shrink. And I don't want to give Claire the satisfaction by seeing how much Maura's words have hurt me. I know that I can count Claire to my friends, but still … I know what it means to have a long-lasting friendship, and that you are forced to go bat for one part. Whether you want it or not, it just happens. And I can't keep up with fifteen years of friendship, no chance in hell. And obviously I'm the bad guy in this story. Not Taylor O'Keefe. No, I am! I clench my jaw while I put a cover on the pillow. Maura acts like she's the only one who suffers from the circumstances. Like she's the only one who has to deal with this painful loss. Yeah, okay. I'm not the best when it comes to putting emotions into words, but that doesn't mean that I don't feel the same crushing emptiness.

"You know, I can do that myself." Claire says to break the uncomfortable silence.

I still don't look at her and busy myself. "I know, but Maura would be even more mad at me if I would leave that up to you." Ha, even more mad! That was a good one. "If that's even possible," I mumble to myself. Claire wanted to go and get a hotel room so Maura and I have the chance to get things straight again, but I declined because Maura would have been pissed if I'd let that happen, and I sure as hell don't need that at all.

"Have you ever told her how you're really feeling?"

Oh, here we go. Claire Salinas turns into the shrink now, analyzing me and the whole situation. I don't need a shrink who offers herself as punching bag so I feel better, for that I have the shooting range. I point my gun at a picture of Taylor O'Keefe and pull the trigger, letting off steam. It helps excellently. Oh, who am I fooling? "I am perfectly fine." I reply and know what Claire's not buying it. Hell, even I wouldn't believe it. I finally turn to her and lick my lips. "Really, I'm fine."

"Really? So it doesn't bother you that she's blaming you for everything instead of O'Keefe?" Claire's pausing and crosses her arms over her chest. "You're telling me that it doesn't bother you that Maura's thinking that your team didn't work hard enough to find her because she isn't you?"

Oh, damn she's good. Getting things out of me by provoking me, it almost works because my angers starts bubbling up but I still bite my tongue.

"It doesn't bother you that she's blaming you for losing her unborn child?"

That's a shot in the bull's eye. I can feel my face darkening and I step towards her, pointing at Claire. How dare she saying something? I was devastated when I got to know about the miscarriage. My facial muscles twitch and I hiss though clenched teeth, "Have a good night." I want to slam the door shut when I leave the room but resist the urge. I stop in the hallway and brace myself at a wall. I need a second to contain my anger again. I know that Claire's words were only meant to help but she has absolutely no right to talk about things she has no idea about. Bring up our unborn child, how dare she. I make my way to our bedroom but stop with the hand on the knob. Perhaps it isn't the best idea to spend the night near Maura, but I also don't want to sleep the couch, I haven't done anything wrong. If someone has to spend the night on the couch than it's lovely girlfriend. No, tonight I won't give in so easily. If she's pissed because of that, fine than. I can deal with that, it can't get worse, right?

I enter the room and catch Maura's surprised look as she comes out of the bathroom, ignoring her at all and pulling my shirt over my head. I have to use all my willpower not to -

"You're sleeping on the couch." She says as she slips underneath the blanket.

It's no question or a plea, it's an order. She ordered me to spend the night downstairs. That's the last straw. I turn half dressed to her and furrow my eyes, keeping my voice as calm as possible. "Oh?"

Maura's holding my gaze and nods slowly.

I clench my jaw but don't move an inch. "And why would I do that?"

She's shifting uncomfortably. "Jane, don't do that."

Do what? I cross my arms over my chest. "What have I done know?"

"I just want to be -"

"What? You want to be alone?" I cut her off harshly and am surprised that I don't feel bad immediately. "No matter what I'm doing, it's wrong. If I give you space, you complain about it. If I want to spend time with you, you're running to your study. If a life with me is so horrible for you, I'll pack my things and stay with Frankie." I pause so she'll understand what I'm saying, in vain. "I really can't do this anymore, Maura. I'm so tired of all of this."

She nearly jumps out of the bed, hurries to the walk-in closest and comes back with a black carryall in her hand. "Can I help you packing?"

What the f … That, I didn't see coming. I thought that my statement would checkmate her, obviously that's exactly what she wants. I watch her tearing the drawers of the dresser open and my heart drops. What the hell is happening right now? I mean, if she really wanted me to leave since O'Keefe why didn't she say a damn word? Why do I have to bring it up? I'd left if she'd say it so, I didn't want to bother her, to torture her by facing me day in, day out. I watch her dumbfounded stuffing my belongings into said bag and see the tears in her eyes. "Stop it," I say demanding but Maura ignores me at all, continuing the packing. I swear to God, if I wasn't mad before, I am know. I grab Maura at her wrist and force her to stop. "God damn it, Maura. Stop!"

She breaks away from my grip and glares teary-eyed at me. "I shall stop," she asks louder and throws a shirt at me. "You started it, why shall I stop? You want to leave me, Jane. Don't let the door hit you on the way out."

I am really tempted to grab my things and leave, but I made a promise in the hospital. That Maura and I get through this together. That neither of us is leavening this relationship, no matter how hard things get. And I use to stay true to my word. "Because I start to think that it's what you want from me." I say a little louder with an high-pitched voice. I try to stay calm but I also start to lose my temper. "It seems like nothing I do for you is good enough for you, or helping you. I stay away from you, it's wrong. I try to stay with you, that's wrong too. I find Claire's car in the driveway and a pizza girl in front of the door and think 'Maybe, just maybe, this night turn out nicely for all of us', so I pay the girl, give her a nice tip and come into the house only to hear you telling your friend how much you hate me. And that none of us worked hard enough to find you because you are not me." My anger gets the best of me and I throw my arms up and shake my head. "How can you think that of me, of us?"

"Because -" She yells but doesn't finish the sentence.

"Because what? Because we haven't been able to trace you immediately? That was because a frigging' psychopath kidnapped you who's a fucking genius in the same time. O'Keefe knew how to cloud his tracks. Every time we thought we got you, he changed your whereabouts. We've always been ten steps behind. I barely slept, I barely ate back in the time you were missing. All I wanted was getting you back safe and sound."

Maura turns away and says clinically, "That worked out well."

I furls my brows and take a step forward. "God knows, if I'd have been able to switch places with you, I would have immediately, without hesitation. And if you'd have listen to me -"

Maura swirls around and her eyes are hard. "So it's my fault that Taylor O'Keefe took me?"

I know that I'll regret my answer but I couldn't care less right now. "Partly."

"Oh," she breathes.

"I begged you to sit this case out because it turned out that he's obsessed with you. And because of -"

Maura's waiting for me to say it but I can't make me. I don't know why I can't finish this sentence. "Because what? Because my pregnancy? Because of my unborn baby? The baby that is no more because you needed a week to find me?"

"It was mine, too." I whisper and look down at my feet to avoid her hate-filled eyes.

"Say it, Jane." She demands and gives me a push which takes me by surprise. Never ever had Maura become physically, no matter how angry she was. "Say it out loud. Say it!"

I let her push me, I don't mind it and I doubt that there is anything I could do to keep her from doing so, speaking up. "It was mine, too."

"What was yours, too? The car in the driveway? The sandwich in the fridge? What was yours, too, Jane?"

I back away and furrow my eyebrows. I know that I didn't say it out loud since that incident. I can't say it out loud because then the loss becomes real, beyond all bearings. "Maura, don't."

"Yes, Jane, tell me. What was yours, too?"

I fight an inner battle with me because I want to keep the first memories of the pregnancy for me. The joy I felt when Maura came home one night and told me radiant with joy that she was pregnant. I don't want to think about the fact that Taylor O'Keefe took the happiness away from us. I want to keep the happiness of those days locked up in my heart, and I don't want to replace this feeling with hate and bitterness. I want to have something to hold onto. A memory when live was still good, almost perfect. I look at Maura and understand that she needs to hear it. "It was my baby, too." I say and something deep inside me is breaking. "He didn't only take you away from me, he took our baby away from me, too." I have to close my eyes when she gently touch my cheek and my body starts to shake but I don't shed a tear. I won't allow the pain to conquer my heart but saying out loud that I lost a baby too is too much to bear, and the painful feeling sweeps through my entire body. Well, after that is out, I can be honest with her. I take her ha d in my own and lead the way to the room next door. When I moved in with Maura, I used it as my little gym, but ever since she told me about the pregnancy I had other plans.

I open the door and enter the room with Maura, switching the light on and hearing her gasp. I know that it is a sound of surprise and because of the thought what we'll miss. I haven't told Maura about it because this room became my little sanctuary, the room in which I can wonder what would have been if O'Keefe wouldn't have become a part of our lives.

After Maura told me that she was pregnant I started furnish the room. The day after those great news, I went to a DIY store and brought a can of light green wall color because it was neutral. I knew that it would be an bad idea to tell Ma about the baby but I wanted to have my old crib. Surprisingly, Ma kept her mouth shut. Well, after squealing, jumping around and squeezing me almost to death. And secretly put the furnishings up at night. And smuggled all the stuffed animals into the soon-to-be nursery, which was hard because Maura and I mostly shared a car. There isn't much in the room. Only a wooden dresser, a shelf, the crib, a mobile, a changing table, a small table, a floor lamp and a rocker. It is plain and simple, but I thought I'd leave the details to Maura. If I would have known …

"Why didn't you tell me," Maura asks softly but the tears are evident in her voice.

I don't look at her and get a shopworn teddy bear from the dresser. Back then I knew that Maura would be terrified at the thought but this teddy bear always has been my favorite and I wanted that our child have it too. I already had made up a plan for smuggling it back into the nursery. "The study is your sanctuary, this is mine." I answer calmly. "I started to get the room ready the day after you told me that you're pregnant. I went to a DIY store after work and worked in here when you were fast asleep."

"That's why you've been tired out."

I start fumbling at the teddy bear and shrug, still not looking at her. "It was worth it, Maura."

"That's your crib. Angela showed me photos of you in it."

I nod and look with teary eyes at her, holding up the bear. "Just like this guy. He was always with me when I was sick or scrapped my knees. I … I had the silly idea that he of she has to have something from me. You know, because he or she would have you from the beginning, be a part of you forever. I thought having a part from my past would bring us even closer. That our child would remember me even when I'm -"

"Don't say it." Maura cuts me off crying and I'm sure that she means it because suddenly I'm holding her in my arms. There is no blame anymore, or even hate. There's only raw pain and grief, and love. True love. Not like last night, that wasn't love it was lust and distraction. Suddenly it dawns to me that it wouldn't have been that way if I would have shown Maura the nursery long ago, but I wasn't ready. "I'm broken too, Maura." I whisper into her hair and allow my tears to flow. "I lost you the day he took you from me, both of you. And that's something I can't forgive myself. I wish it wouldn't have been Korsak who gun him down. I wish we'd have get to you faster. I wish I could turn back time and make everything undone." Everything I say is true. I wish for all of it. Korsak had to follow O'Keefe because when we finally found Maura she almost died of thirst and starvation. I had to carry her to the ambulance before it was to late, or so I thought. And in that moment it was clear to me that there was no baby anymore.

"Why didn't you talk to me?"

"I wasn't ready." I frown and hold her close. "I can ask you the same."

"I wasn't ready either." She looks up and I wipe the tears of her cheek. "And I thought that you've moved on like nothing happened."

I shake my head and huff. "How could I move on after all that happened to you?"

"It felt like that."

"I'm so sorry, Maura."

She nods, takes my hand and leads the way out of the nursery, switching the light off. Maybe, just maybe, we finally can spend a night without being haunted by nightmares.