I am so, so sorry for this long delay but firstly life got rough and then several of my electronic devices didn't work anymore 😑

This is a rather short update and I hope that you guys like it, and of course you're as always welcome to tell me what you think.

Enjoy,

T73

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Taylor O'Keefe still gives me the creeps every time I have to face this monster. Well, this time I didn't have to face him but I wanted to make sure that O'Keefe is indeed still locked up and doesn't get the chance to escape even though he's currently in the hospital ward. That doesn't make me feel any better. There's one reason why, one name. Charles Hoyt. Okay, I don't want to think about that right now, O'Keefe hasn't been after me! Every time I see his smug face I want to slam my fist into it just to wipe the smile out of it. Every time I hear his arrogant voice I want to strangle him to make him shut up, to make the world a better place again. Okay, he's in prison now and can't harm anyone else. And yet I have to think about all those lives he ruined, including mine. Have I already mentioned that Taylor O'Keefe can call himself lucky that I didn't get the chance to arrest him? He also can call himself lucky that he was surrounded by wards when he started to talk about Maura like they had been a couple for the time he held her captive. Thanks to them, Frankie and Korsak he's still breathing. I kept my poker face that moment but inside of me a war was raging. Korsak has seen that and told me silently to stay back, and so I did. He talked about what could have been if Maura wouldn't have been so ... reserved.

Reserved! Get this ... reserved!

Hell, she hasn't been reserved, she has been scared to death!

As those words left his mouth, I had to use all my willpower not to kill him with my bare hands right then and there! And even more. And oh, he was so disappointed that Maura didn't join our little chat. Only over my dead body! That will never happen! But he had a point as he said that she won't very pleased if she'll find out that I pay him a visit every now and then. I couldn't care less. I can handle a angry Maura, or that's what I keep telling myself. But when it comes to O'Keefe I rather take a step back then to rebuild a crumbled Maura even if it means that she's trusting me even less.

I can see that Korsak's looking at me every now and then since we're driving back from the prison. Stupid rearview mirror. Perhaps he wants to see if I am alright or perhaps he wants to make sure that I am still sitting on the backseat and didn't escape from the driving car just to go after O'Keefe. And that wouldn't be impossible because I haven't said a word since we left the prison again. I don't know what to say about this very graphic description of what O'Keefe would've liked to do to Maura. Or what to say about the fact that he forced his filthy hands underneath her blouse and that Maura did enjoy it, in his freaking world. He could say because then she was shaking.

Hell, in that moment I wanted to break his teeth.

I clench my jaw and my eyes are finding Frankie's as he looks over his shoulder. I can see sympathy in his very own but I don't want sympathy, I want revenge. In my entire life as an adult I never had this feeling. As a kid, yeah, but back then I couldn't understand what that feeling meant for real. And when I had to roughhouse my brothers or a peep it was either for fun or to defense myself, but never because I got a bloody nose because either of them. It's the same if I have to shoot someone on duty, it's necessary to keep my coworkers and myself safe not because I seek revenge for the victim of victims. But this time it is different and it scares me. I want to have five minutes alone with Taylor O'Keefe and torture him, I want to hurt him, I want to make him beg for mercy, I want to make him feel what his victims felt in their last moments. I want to make him feel what Maura felt. I want to take O'Keefe to the woods and Chase him just like he chased Maura for days. I have to look away because I know that my dear little brother can see all those emotions in my eyes, and I am beyond glad that he doesn't say a word. That's the benefit of being siblings, you don't have to ask what you're thinking, you know it by looking in the eye, and in the same time I hate it. Frankie's a good boy, he knows when to keep his mouth shut. Korsak's turning into my driveway and a heavy sigh escapes from my lungs as soon as I spot Nina and Ma standing in front of the house. That doesn't mean anything good.

"Uh-oh," Frankie's whispering and Korsak's looks at me with a frown.

I place an hand on his shoulder while opening the back door of the car. "I got this."

"You sure?"

I smile and get out. Oh Korsak, stop worrying about me. It doesn't need a second until Ma walks up to me, extremely pale. "Jane, Maura's beyond mad."

Nina's wringing her hands and swallows. "I'm sorry, Jane. It slipped ouy that you're going to see O'Keefe."

"Maura's raging."

"Jane, I'm so sorry."

I can't be angry at either of them, it was only about time until Maura would find out about it. I only wish it I would have more time to prepare an explanation. Well, shit happens. I take a deep breath and look at each of them with furrowed eyebrows. "Please go home, I can handle this."

Nina's hesitating.

Ma's stubborn and not sure. "Jane -"

"Ma!" I cut her off and realize that my voice is harsher then I want it to be. I am silent for a second look at her with begging eyes. "Ma, please," I say softly.

My mother's sighing and nods before she signals Nina that it's time for leaving. That was easy, though. I thought that I'd have an argue with her right here in the drive way before I'd have to face a raging Maura. That would make everything even worse.

I shake that thought off, walk to the front door and open it just to hear Maura argue loudly and that Claire's trying to talk her down. Always the shrink, huh? But I prefer a arguing Maura then a Maura who's closing up. Even if she's yelling, then I know what's on her mind and what she's feeling, withdrawing from me makes everything harder to bear. A yelling Maura means that I also can tell my mind. There are way too many times that she's suffering alone those days. I know, I know Maura for many years and many times I know what she's thinking, and yet she's still a closed book to me. Some times, too many times. I put my keys in the bowl and close my eyes, listening to my girlfriend's angry voice. Am I really ready to face her right now. Unfortunately there's no way out of this so I found the corner and see that Maura's pacing right in front of our kitchen island, immediately stopping as she spots me. Claire's sitting in one of the high chairs and her eyes are laying on my girlfriend. "Maura," she's asking carefully.

Maura's marching up to me, her face is red and her eyes are blazing, and then she's pushing me.

Claire is startled and jumps to her feet. "Maura," she yells but either of us ignores her even though I hardly sway.

I deserve that, it's my fault and I deserve it. If Maura needs one I am find of being her punching bag. Hell, even if she'd punch me in the face I wouldn't flinch but I keep that for myself. I just look down at her and that seems to anger her even more.

"You are visiting Taylor O'Keefe at the prison," she's asking and and her voice is oddly even but that doesn't make me open my mouth. I know that my eyes are answering her question and she gives me another push. Jesus, this small woman is incredibly strong, physically and mentally, but I knew that before. I look at Claire and ask her silently to stay back. Perhaps this is another step to proceed this. Perhaps not, I'll know later. "How dare you?" She's hissing through clenched teeth. "How dare you talking to my debaser?"

Debaser! I never thought about Taylor O'Keefe as her debaser and that word makes me clenching my fists what makes Claire stepping even closer. Maybe she's thinking that I'll start to fight back, maybe she thinks that she needs to interve. I know better. I know that I won't harm Maura. Ever at all! Maura's pushing me again and I have to fight to keep my balance. There it is, the anger I've been feeling since I lost her, the anger I kept for myself because I know I have no right to feel it. "How dare you?" She now yells at top of her lungs and her eyes are watering. "You have no rights to talk to him about what what he put me through!"

Us, Maura! About what he put us through and we made it! And we made it! We are here, safe and sound, and we have each other. We'll make, we've made it. I know that by know it shouldn't be only her and I, by now it should be her, our child and I.I know that I should put these thoughts into words but I can't make myself to do so. I have to clench my jaw at that thought and force myself to stand still as O'Keefe's voice is ringing in my head. How he laughed about the fact that Maura begged him to let her go and told him that she was pregnant. How he told her that this shouldn't be a problem, that he'd make her as many babies as she wants. I drop my eyes because I can't stand that thought but they found Maura's as soon as she stops hitting and pushing me.

"No," she whispers and is stepping back. I can tell that she knows what I got to know. Things she was keeping from me, maybe to protect me, maybe to protect herself. "No!"

I still doesn't say a word and step closer and I think Maura's about to run, but she doesn't move and I step into her personal space. I lift my hand and touch her cheek gently, lightly, and her body's starting to shake. Not because of anger but because of years she's suppressing. In the past, when the IV didn't work out, I told her that it was alright and that we can try again, but this time it would be the wrong words because Taylor O'Keefe told her it'll be okay and that he'd impregnate her as many times as she wish. It would be inappropriate because the last time we've tried we knew we'd become parents. Her and me, us together. It would be inappropriate because our unborn child got killed by a psychopath, it didn't even get the chance to take its very first breath. We didn't get the chance to hold it in our arms and tell it how much we love it. The death of a child can tear families apart and to be honest, I was about to leave when Maura started to blame me for everything. Not because I didn't love her anymore but because I didn't know how to handle my own grieve. That thought crossed my mind for a split second but as you know, I am a very stubborn person and I don't give up easily.

I can see that it hurts Maura that he told me almost everything and that she sees how hurt I am because of that, that's why I'm taking by surprise when she wraps her arms around me and push me in for a embrace. I'm not sure who's trying to comfort whom but know that either of us needs it right now. We need the contact, the feeling that we're not alone in this, and that neither of us is leaving.

I close my eyes and kiss her head, my lips are lingering there. I want to tell her that I love her, no matter what, and that I won't go anywhere no matter how hard times will be. And that she always can rely on me.

She looks up at me and then at my lips. I doesn't move and my eyes flutter shut as soon as hers are touching mine. The kids is sweet and gentle, and it says so many things, also that she still loves me but needs time. I can deal with that as long as I have her in my life!