Hey, guys. Thank you all for your feedback, it means much to me, and thank you for sticking with me and this story. I hope I'll be able to continue any of my other stories, too, and soon.
Besides, I hope you and your loved ones had a wonderful Christmas time and a great start into the new year.
This chapter is a little ... Well, you'll find out, and before you hate me in the end of it, as any of my other stories, this is Rizzles!
This time is is a real update;)
I hope you'll enjoy it anyway.
Enjoy,
T73.
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I sit on the couch and stare into the blazing flames of the fireplace while the TV is running in the background, I do not know why I turned on the TV or why I started a fire. Maybe I was hoping for a little relaxation, or that these tormented thoughts are finally stopping. I've told myself that I'm not going to press Maura, but that does not mean that I'm not haunted myself, by all sorts of scenarios, and that may never change. I'm aware that Taylor O'Keefe didn't sexually abused my girlfriend, I know he did not rape her. And most of the time, I'm able to skillfully suppress such thoughts, especially since the day Maura and I finally have some sort of healthy relationship again, since she honestly told me that she's tired to be mad at me, too tired to reproach me. Since then everything seems to be normal again. I even think about going back to BPD. I've visited the precinct every now and then, just to make sure that neither Frankie nor Korsak has raze BPD to the ground, and to make it clear that Maura is still the chief medical examiner of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, no matter what. I trust Drake, but you can never be sure. There are always sharks waiting for their chance to strike. I give Maura her time to recover from everything that has happened to her, but on some evenings I also want to pursue my thoughts, give in to my feelings. Maybe it sounds selfish, maybe I'm even selfish. I don't know it anymore.
I know that it is selfish that I am a little relieved that Nina could persuade Maura to go to the Dirty Robber with her and Claire. A kind of girl's night. She asked me to join them, too, I declined. I am not a classical girl when it comes to that, I rather keep for myself. In that Maura and I are pretty similar, but she needs someone else to talk about how she's feeling, and not being at home can help also. Maura hesitated back then but I encouraged her with a nod and a smile, telling her that I'll be fine.
I actually am fine, after my fourth beer and toying around with the velvety box that I hid in the top drawer of my dresser, and taking a look at the sonogram that Maura gave me with the brightest smile I've ever seen, telling me that finally the lengthy proceeds we've gone through really worked out, that we've been through together.
I scoff and run my hand over my closed eyes even though I am out of tears, I am past this part, or so I think. I empty my beer bottle and get the next one from the fridge. I hate to wasted but sometimes it's comforting, it helps to forget the pain, or makes it a lot worse. I care about that in the morning, now I need to numb myself. There's only so much a person can take, I am beyond the line I can handle that's why I didn't accompany the others. I want to to wail like a banshee, to myself. Healthy? No! Worth it? It helps, for me.
I pop my new beer open and about to sip it when the backdoor opens and I turn my head, seeing my mother. "Hey," I say softly and Ma's jumping.
"You're not with the girls?"
"Nah, wasn't in the mood for."
"I didn't know you're -"
"Wanna sit with me," I ask and I am as surprised as Ma looks like.
She doesn't hesitate and walks towards the couch, kissing the top of my head. I don't know why but every time she's doing that, it's soothing me. Ask me about if I like that, I'm going to deny it. I smile at her when she's sitting down on the armchair, frowning as soon as I see her skeptical eyes. She has been seeing the amount of alcohol I've been drinking already.
"Should I be worried?" She asks and looks me dead in the eye.
I shake my head, smiling slightly. "No, Ma." I sigh. "It's just -"
"A rough day?"
"Yeah."
"You and Maura fought again?"
I open my mouth and all that escapes is a hushed No. I wish it would be that simple. A fight, I could figure out what I've maybe done wrong, right now I feel like I'm walking on -
"You're walking on eggshells." Ma states and my eyes snap up to hers. "You know that you can come to me and talk about it."
"So you're not going to judge or criticis me?" I sneer but she's holding my gaze.
She takes the sonogram from the table where I left it and I feel bad instantly. I know that it's not her fault, I know that she's the wrong buffer. I know that she'd love my child as much as she loves TJ. I know that she was looking forward to become a grandmother again, as much as I looked forward to finally become a mother. "I'm sorry, Ma." I choke out.
My mother, as gentle as she is, looks at me with a smile. "It's okay, Jane. It's okay to be angry. It's okay to be outraged."
"Ma."
"It's okay, baby."
I close my eyes and feel guilt washing over me, and tears burning in my eyes. There never has been someone that read me like my mother, besides Maura. That's what's hurting. My ma can be annoying sometimes and I'm glad when she's retiring to the guesthouse at some point, and Maura ... Some days I can talk to Maura as if nothing had ever happened, and then there are days when we prefer to get out of each others hair before we'd say things to each other that none of us can take back. That'd hover over us like the sword of Damocles. So, to whom am I supposed to be talking. Sure, I also could talk to Frankie or Tommy, who'd say the things I'd like to hear, or Korsak who's always trying to act like Switzerland, neutral. Don't get me wrong, Nina's a great person but sometimes she's at a loss, I think that's because she knows what it means to lose someone you truly care about but her loos had been an adult, not an unborn child. Of course there is still Claire, but I was never really a fan of talking to a shrink, and I don't want to take away Maura's last harbor. And Claire is that to her at some point.
I can feel a pull at my hand and it's drawing me back to reality. Before I can protest I see that Ma that my mother has taken the sonogram from my hand. She's looking long at it and a smile is ghosting over her lips, a sad one.
It's not the first time she's seeing it. On the contrary, ever since I told her that Maura's pregnant and that I'd wanted to surprise her with an already set up nursery, I had to show the sonogram a hundred times to Make, and sometimes nearly ripping it from her hands. I can still reacll how excited she was looking the day I came to her asking for my old baby crib, it didn't take Ma a minute to put one and one together and almost suffocated me by giving me a way too tight hug, mumbling, About time, Janie. Then I was light-headed, and delighted, and grateful. Not just because Ma was happy that we finally were pregnant, but also because that my mother always supported me the way I was, the way I am. She never had judged me of being gay, never came up with phrases like the church doesn't not support my way I'm living or that I'd go to hell because I am into women. She never ever came up with such a thing. On the contrary, everytime someone of the parish looked differently, she was the first person who stood up for me, as well as my dad did, still does.
"You would have been such a great mother," she states absentmindedly and my throat tightens. Her eyes find mine with a little frown. "According to how you act around TJ."
Before I can say that it would be more than unfair to let my only nephew suffer from the overall circumstances, my mother already has the next object in her hands. The small, black velvety box. I have no time to stop my mother from opening said box and my heart drops as soon as see her surprised expression. Or is it horrified?
"Are you going to -"
"No!" I reply harshly even though I don't want to and snatch the box with its content from her hand. I lick my lips and sigh. "No, but I was about to."
Ma's blinking in confusion and I can see a hint of hurt. "Why didn't you tell me?"
I have to smile at the question and I think she understands. Because you couldn't have kept it to yourself for a second as soon as I'd left you alone. Because you'd have squeezed Maura to death as soon as you'd have seen her no matter if I'd already popped the question. Because you are totally unable to keep your mouth shut even though I'd have asked you to. Because -
"When have you planned to ask Maura?"
The question pulls me out of my train of thought and I look at her, blinking and frowning. "I ... uh ... I wanted to ask Maura to marry me the weekend she got -" I trail off and have to look down at my hands. "The weekend ... Taylor O'Keefe ... happened."
She's silent for a moment. "Oh."
"Yeah."
"That's why it's getting the best of you."
I have to swallow the anger that's bubbling up and I glare at her. "That's not the main reason and you know it."
Ma's holding up her hands defensively. "Of course I know. What I meant was besides the -"
It's surprising me that my mother can't say the thought out loud and my eyes soften. "Besides the miscarriage? Yeah! The whole situation is getting the best of me, Mama. It's wearing me out."
Shock is written over Ma's face and I can understand it, it's surprising myself that I call her Mama again. It has been ages since the last time I called her mom, decades since the last time I called her mama. And she's understanding that it's time to drop that topic.
She's shifting in her seat. "Who did you take to pick the ring?"
I smile a little and take the box from her hand again, looking down at the ring that was supposed to deal the deal once and for all, that was supposed to make Maura's and mine life complete, besides our child. Now I want to take it and throw it into Charles River, or at least hide it in the things I've stored the day I moved in with Maura. It's plain and simple, nothing too fancy. Not because I couldn't afford it, but because I was told that Maura wouldn't buy it if it'd be tall and shiny and too much. I agreed even though the jeweler looked skeptically at me, but a swanky ring wouldn't come from me. I take a deep breath before I close the lid like it's the end of the chapter of a book that's unwritten. "I ... uh ... I asked Nina to come with me and pick one." I answer the question and pain is flashing in Ma's eyes. "Look, I wanted someone who's more ... neutral. Who doesn't know Maura and me as long as you do. I mean, you know me my whole life, and Maura's like a daughter to you."
Ma's getting up and walks into the kitchen. "I get it, Jane."
Normally I'd be fine with that response but I can hear the pain in her voice, and I folllow my mother into the kitchen. "Ma."
She pours herself a glass of white wine and looks at me, without accusation. "I really get it, Jane."
"You're not mad," I ask remorsefully. I don't need another person of my family being mad at me now.
Ma's smiling at me and shakes her head. "No, I am not mad at you, Jane. I'm proud of you because you asked your sister-in-law for advice the time you needed one which is telling me that you are not as stubborn as you once we're. And Nina has a good taste, even though -"
"I know." I chuckle, and this one is true. "If I'd taken you with me, I'd be starving for the rest of the year because I'd have to use my annual salary for Maura's engagement ring."
"Most likely," she says and we both are laughing. "Are you still going to ask Maura?"
I become serious again and heave a heavy sigh, not dating to look at her. "Ma, I don't know. I mean, I love Maura from the bottom of my heart and I would do anything for her, even dying for her, but -"
"The time's not right."
"Not anymore."
"Jane, you'll know when it's the perfect timing to pop the question. I know you will."
I smile weakly at her and I am grateful that this time I don't have to justify my thoughts and actions. "Thanks, Ma."
"Now, let's have a girl's night."
I roll my eyes and follow her as soon as she takes my hand in her own, dragging me behind her. "Seriously? What am I? Twelve?"
"Eight." She says and a laugh rumbles from my throat.
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I stretch my arms over my head and groan, but I'm alarmed immediately because the bedside next to me is empty. I remember that Maura came home late and sneaked into our room so she wouldn't wake me, and the next thing I remember is that she climbed underneath the sheet and wrapped my arm tightly around her body. I open my eyes and now she's gone again, like she has never been there. Panic is rushing through my body and I am out of bed in no time. Stay calm, Jane. Maybe ... maybe you held her too tight and she needed some space. Probably she's in one of the guest rooms, safe and sound. I snort and am out of the bedroom in no time. Who am I fooling? Even if Maura would need space, she'd lay as far away from me as possible, still sharing our bed. O'Keefe. Hoyt. No, Hoyt is dead. O'Keefe isn't. People like Hoyt and O'Keefe never work alone, they have partners, apprentices.
That thought makes me hurry out of our bedroom, throwing open the door to the first guestroom, and the second, and Maura's study. "Maura?" There is no answer, only the hammering of my heart and the rush of my blood that I'm hearing. "Maura?" Not again. She's not taken away from me again. I run down the stairs, nearly trip while doing so, it doesn't matter, I'll rather die than ... "Maura?" My voice is loud, high and full of panic. "MAURA?"
"In here." Maura's voice is coming faintly but steady out of the kitchen and my heart slows down. I round the corner to the kitchen and breathe, "Thank God. I thought -" I trail off as soon as hard eyes of hers are staring back at me. Just then I realize that I left the velvety box on the kitchen counter last night like it's some kind of surprise for her I left there. I am such an id -
"You can't be serious." She snarls and I have to swallow hard. Unfortunately the sonogram is laying next to the box that has been opened. Damnit, Ma! "Tell me that you are not serious about this."
"Maura, it's not like it seems."
I know that my mother didn't mean anything by leaving those two objects right on the counter, that she was thinking nothing by doing so, I also know that she doesn't want to push us into marriage. She probably took a look at those things while I got ready and then left for good, thinking nothing. I hold up my hands to signal that I am in the dark as she is, that all my walls are down, I am unshielded. "It's not what you think it is, Maura."
I can see that she doesn't buy it even though it is the truth. "Is this your way of proposing even though we're going through a rough time? Leaving a engagement ring with the sonogram of our death child? Like it's death doesn't mean anything?"
I shake my head and my eyebrows are high. "No! I swear to God, no!"
Maura lifts the box and slams it to the surface of the counter. "Then, what is this?"
I close my eyes for a brief moment before I look at her and the damn sonogram on the counter next to the friggin box. "I was about to," I say calmly and she huffs, that spurs my very own anger. I am not angry at her or my mother, I am angry at my own stupidity and the ability of Ma to distract me. "I was about to propose to you the weekend Taylor O'Keefe took you." I pause and clench my jaw, balling my hands angrily. "No," I growl and don't give a damn that Maura sees all of me, my anger. "He snatched you right away from under my hands, both of you." I pause and swallow hard, Maura's watching me closely. "It was supposed to be our weekend off and I asked Ma to give us some space, and I asked her for the recipe of her very own Tagliolini al sugo di caviale and she gave it to me without a second thought or asking why I needed it even though it's something that's pretty fancy for our family." I pause and Maura is silent, too. "I ... I admit it. I was thinking that you've been working late that day, that's why I took the chance and set everything up. But ... after a while they called me -"
"That's the story behind this?" Maura's voice is sharp and it drags me back to present. "You've been cooking while Taylor abducted me?"
"I've been setting up -"
"So? It took you almost a week to come and get me! You've been cooking all the time?"
I feel my face darken and I clench my jaw. Back to that? Alright, I pick up the fight. "I've been working my ass off to find you, so was Frankie, Korsak and Nina. Kent too. I barely slept."
"You've been cooking in the moment he took me!"
"I -"
"You promised me to keep me safe! Us!"
I open my mouth and shut it again, that's a low blow, and it makes me breathless. "I know," I whisper and I keep my tears from falling, I failed her, I failed them. "I know."
"Do you?"
That question makes my eyes snap up and anger sear through my body. "I do, Maura. More than you can think of. I am aware of the fact that I failed you!"
She turn her back to me and I am brave, I need to be for the part that I am going to touch. "Do you trust me?"
Maura's back is turned to me and I can tell that she's fighting with herself. "Yes." She whispers. "Yes, I'm trusting you."
A heavy burden is lift of my chest, replaced by another one. "Do you love me?"
The silence is long and stretching, and she's turning back around, looking at me.
It's a simple question, it's answered with a yes or no. I feel like the day I confessed my true feelings about Maura, but this time she's rejecting me. I hear the whimper that escapes my throat. "Do you ... Do you still love me? Did you ever love me?"
It is just as simple and my heart drops when Maura has to think. "Of course I loved you."
Loved. I nod slowly and inhale sharply. "What changed?"
"Nothing!"
"Maura!"
"All the time -" she says and turns to me, and looks at me like she's a Lion that's jumping at my throat, protecting something that's not here.
"Go ahead," I say and nod.
"I loved you from the first moment I've seen you, you pretending to be a ... Professional."
I stiffle a laugh at the memory, but then I turn sad. I didn't know.
"Though you've been snippy, I liked you, and I would spent thousands of dollars to spend time with you. Just to be with you."
I chuckle, I can't help it. "Thank God I'm a cop and you got me for free."
"Did I?"
The question takes my breath away. "Maura."
"Yes?"
"Do you still love me? Are you still in love with me?"
It's a simple yes or no. Whatever it is that's about to come, I can handle it. It might take some time to pick up the pieces and put them back together, it might take some time until I can look Maura straight in the eye again, but I prefer to go back to being just friends before we'll torture ourselves. I can put all my feelings for her back into a box and hide it in the darkest corner of my mind. I withstand the urge to snort when those thoughts are crossing my mind. Who am I fooling? It's going to kill me if Maura's telling me that she doesn't love me anymore, and I, sure as hell, won't recover from it, but it's not the time to be selfish. Whatever she needs, I'm going to give it to her. I ball my hands the moment Maura's closing her eyes and swallow hard. I take her silence as a No, I don't love you anymore. I hate you, leave me, leave me now, and don't come back!
I almost can her those words coming from her and nod slowly, I didn't even realize that I am moving towards her and the counter where she's still standing. Was everything that we've already been through just the calm before the storm? Just the prelude to the end of our relationship, friendship? I stand close to Maura and slide the little box to the hand she's resting on the top of the counter. "Keep it." I say and am surprised that my voice doesn't sound mad or break, and I can see that Maura's just as surprised. My voice is calm and steady, like I've seen this moment coming but didn't acknowledged it. "Keep it, Maura. Do whatever you want to do with it. Sell it, throw it in the river, keep it to yourself."
Her sad eyes are finding mine and I know that we're feeling the same, and I wish she's asking me to stay. But she doesn't. Instead she's placing a hand on my check and a single tear rolls down her own.
I have to use all my power to keep my eyes open and not to lean in and kiss her, and for a short moment Maura's looking like she's silently pleading that I'd do so. I nod once and smile weakly. "It's going to be okay." It sounds more like I'm trying to convince myself and for a short moment I really do believe it. "I ... I go and get some of my things. I'll text you where I'm staying, in case you need anything." Or if you need me. I don't say that sentence out loud because I don't want to sound desperate, or that I'm tryin to impinge on her. I take a deep breath and turn to head for our bedroom, still hoping that she's asking me not to leave, but she doesn't. It feels like I am walking to my very own execution the moment I make my way to our room, it's hard to breath and I'm on the edge of tears. I hear Maura sobbing downstairs in the kitchen, but I'm not sure if it's because sorrow or because of the relief that I finally said that I get my things and leave her alone. But deep down I know the answer. I push the bedroom door open and grip the knob hard the second I look into the room that holds so much memories. I still remember how my hands had been shaking the first time I pulled down the zipper of Maura's dress intent to undress her. I still remember how she looked over her shoulder and with a Skype smile. I still remember me holding my breath the moment Maura started to unbutton my dress shirt. Okay, it's not like it was the first time I had been with a woman but it was the first time with Maura Isles, and that's something that's to burn into your mind. I still can recall how she was shaking the first time we've been intimate, how she was whispering my name all over again like she couldn't believe that this was really happening, how she digged her nails into my skin before ... I clear my throat and start moving again, now it's not the time to think about the first time we've been together, otherwise I'll turn around and beg her not to ask me to leave.
It takes me no time to pack the things I'll need and think about to leave my drawers open because I know that would make Maura mad, but I am not a mean person, or avid for revenge. Hey, me leaving was my proposal, remember? At least I leave the door open, that will drive her a bit crazy.
I make my way back down the stairs and am surprised to find Maura standing in the hallway. I smile at her and walk towards the front door.
"Jane." She chokes.
I stop immediately and close my eyes before I turn to her. "Yeah?" Before I know what's happening I feel her lips against mine and I drop my black carryall to the floor, gripping her hips and pulling her closer. The moment I enjoy this it dawns to me that this is probably the very last time she is kissing me, and the thought is confirmed by Maura's whimper and the tears that are running down her cheek. No matter what will happen after my leaving, I will never, NEVER, stop loving her, and caring for her, and I try to convey that by this last kiss, and she's understanding the message. I pull away and wipe the tears off her cheeks, saying, "Maura, it's gonna be alright, I promise." And then I pick my carryall off the floor again and leave the house without looking back one more time. After the front door falls shut behind me I have to close my eyes for a brief moment. I feel nothing, it seems like everything I loved has been ripped away by Taylor O'Keefe. Outside it is windy, grey and rainy. It fits perfectly my mood.
