It has been almost four months. Almost four months since the day I moved out of Maura's house. Almost four months since the day we've split up with each other. Since that day I barely slept, and that's plainly visible for everyone. The day I left the house I asked Frankie if I could stay with him and Nina for a couple of days, both of them agreed immediately but I felt bad for disturbing they're new wedded life, so dropped by at the Dirty Robber and asked Korsak for a makeshift shelter, he and Kiki immediately suggested to stay at their house as long as I want after I turned Ma down who offered me to stay with her at the guest house. There are so many reasons why this would have not worked out. And even though I'm pretty sure Maura's kinda hating me, I'm sure she doesn't want me to commit suicide, or murder.

Today, I'm sitting in a two-room apartment which is right above the Dirty Robber and completely furnished, though it smells like old cigarette smoke, flat beer and old sweat. This is a place Maura sure as hell will never enter, and it's a place I don't want to know the history of. Korsak helped me to get it, an old friend of his owed him a favor. It's not like he and Kiki asked me to leave, it was me who didn't want to impose on them at some point. They told me that I wouldn't but it felt like that to me.

I take a sip of my instant coffee and scrunch my nose. Maura's right, this is no real coffee. Maura! I don't know why I'm thinking of her all the time. Okay, I do and I wonder how we got from I love you to It's better we break up in just a couple of days. I know exactly how it feels like when you're with someone you think you're in love with but in reality it feels wrong, when your heart is telling you that this is not the person you don't want to be with. I just have to remind me that Maura's not feeling the same like I do anymore. Maybe never ... "No!" I stop my mind from thinking so and get up from the decayed sofa, my voice is loud and determining, and it's scares myself. "No, that's just ... stupid. Jane, you know better. Maura's someone who doesn't say she loves someone easily. You know Maura loved you. Maybe ... maybe -" Maybe she still loves me but she is overwhelmed by the thought that I was read to take the next, big step. I want to throw the mug into the sink, shatter it like I am shattered, instead I put it carefully into the sink and brace myself, closing my eyes. "To who am I talking?" Who am I fooling? "She doesn't love me anymore, not the way I love her." The thought strikes me like a thunderstruck and I gasp, feeling a year trailing down my cheek. I barely allow myself to feel the feelings I have right now, but sometimes I can't control it. Mostly if I had too much beer. Now it seems like I had too much coffee. My breath goes flat and rapid, and I know that I'll pass out right here at the sink if I don't get a hold of myself. So inhale deeply through my nose and exhale slowly through my mouth, wiping the damn tear off my cheek. Better. I walk to the ramshackle coffee table and snap my keys off of it. I have to get - My head snaps up the moment I hear a knock on the shopworn door. Who the fuck is that? I walk to the said door and yank it open only to look into confused and even scared brown eyes. My shoulders relax and I breathe, "Nina."

Nina is standing in front of me, holding a basket of the Dirty Robber in her hand. In it are fries and a burger. Ma! "Hey." She says, shoves the basket into my hands and enters the apartment without permission. "I was having lunch downstairs, Angela told me that you're not eating properly."

I close the door again and look down at the meal. "Of course she did," I grumble and so does my stomach as soon as I see the meal. I ignore it anyway and drop the basket on the coffee table.

"You were leaving?"

I start to wrong my hands and furrow my eyebrows. "Uh, yeah ... I was ... I was ... I wanted to go to ... Uh..." What the hell? Since when am I stuttering?

"To the cemetery," Nina asks and finished my sentence in the same time.

I sigh and my shoulders slump. "Yes."

"Mind if I accompany you?"

Hell, yeh! I shake my head. "Not at all."

She's smiling a little at me. "Okay."

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We are staring down at a small headstone which says nothing but Maura's and my last name, and the day of birth and the day of death, it's the same day even though it's not correct at all. It's a child's grave and there is nothing in it but a empty casket. It has been white at the funeral service, it has been laid out. It was so small and white, and empty. And the sight has broken me. Have you ever seen a child's casket? I wish I hadn't. Have you ever seen the headstone of a child's grave on which is nothing written then the parents last name? I wish that we at least would have had the chance to choose a name for the baby. Have you ever heard a grieving mother crying for her child? I wish I'd have. The day the service of our baby took place, Maura hadn't shed a single tear, neither did I. I was holding her hand tightly during the service, glancing every now and then at her. I heard several people sniffing and crying, mostly my mother, but Maura just stared at the white, little casket that wasn't even big enough for a toddler. Her face was unreadable, like she had shut the world out, like this wasn't about our child. I had to convince her to hold a service even though she said that there won't be anything in the casket. It was more for me and my family to realize that there won't be a Isles baby, that there won't be a little human that Maura gave birth to, it was more for me to come to a conclusion. Every now and then Maura squeezed my hand and I knew that she was on the brink of tears, but she never cried on that day. Crying came way much later, and the hate.

I feel a hand on my arm and I wince, blinking my tears back and turning my head, expecting to see Nina looking sympathetically at me because she knows how I'm feeling. Instead I am looking into hazel eyes and my heart drops. "Hey," I whisper and shove my hands into the pockets of my coat.

Maura's smiling sadly at me. "Hi."

"I didn't know -" I didn't know you'd come here today, otherwise I'd chosen another day to come to our baby's grave. Our empty baby's grave.

"I visit the grave monthly." She says like I've finished the sentence. "I've came here when you were still asleep."

I nod slowly. "I didn't know."

"I didn't tell you." She replies and her voice is soft.

I look around but Nina's nowhere to be seen. What the fuck? I am not hallucinating, am I?

"Nina's waiting for you in her car."

That little snitch. "She texted you that I'd be here."

Maura can hear what I am thinking, I can tell that by her smile. "She did, but I also told her that I would visit the grave today. Maybe she wanted to make sure we're not running into each other after we -"

"No, she didn't." I cut her off and she smiles at me. Thank goodness, at least we can be civil even though we're not a couple anymore. "I missed you." I say and I want to stuff my words right back down my throat as soon as they left my mouth.

Maura's sighing, and she looks long at the headstone. "I missed you, too."

I hold my breath because I know not to read too much in this. We're just bandy civilities, maybe even trying to rekindle our friendship. I clear my throat and start to turn. "I ... leave you alone so -"

"I came here to see you." She says and I stop. "Angela and Nina text me about you every now and then to keep me posted. They also text me that I wouldn't approve your place because it's -"

I turn to her with a frown. "Because it's malodorous and loud?"

Maura's shrugging with a small smile. "Yes."

I scoff and look down at my feet. God, I really missed her, and the easiness we're trying to keep up right now. "I picked it wisely."

"Because you knew those facts would keep me away?"

"Exactly," I laugh.

Maura's licking her lips and I can tell that she's trying her best to keep her hands to herself. "Could I ... get you interested in having a coffee with me?"

Hell, you could interest me in anything as long as it involves you. I keep my enthusiasm for myself and nod. "You sure can." Damnit!

"Take all the time -" we say in unison and stop at the same time, laughing. I know the place isn't right to share a laughter but it's lightening the situation.

"Actually," Maura says guardedly and sighs. "Actually I came here to see you, after Nina texted me you'd be at the grave. I ... haven't had the nerve if you want to have a coffee with me after -"

She doesn't have to finish the sentence. "I will always be there if you need me. No matter if we're a couple or not." Why on Earth did I have to say the last part? But Maura doesn't react to that and nods towards the exit of the ceremony. "Yeah, let's go for the coffee. I just ask Nina if it's okay that she has to wait for me."

"I can drop you off later."

The offer caughts me off the guard and I frown. "You sure?"

Maura's nodding without looking at me. "Yes."

"It's not going to be awkward?" Jane, shut your fucking mouth!

She's looking at me and I see insecurity flickers in her eyes. "Perhaps a little bit."

I hang my head and walk next to her without touching. "At least you didn't lose your ability to tell the truth."

"I've never lied to you." She replies with a frown.

"Oh, sure you did." I state with lightness and a smile.

"I never lied to you when it cames to serious matters."

And gone is the little bantering. We're silent I don't realize that I am already standing at Nina's car. Either I jump into it and forget about Maura's invitation or I'll kill Nina for setting me up. It's up to me, and I want to run. I slowly open the passenger's door and glare at my sister-in-law. "You're going to pay for this," I growl at Nina who's giving me a broad smile before she's starting the engine of her car. "You girls have fun." I slam the door shut, turning to my ex-girlfriend. Ex-girlfriend! At the thought I have to take a deep breath. "Shall we?"

Maura's taking the keys of her Toyota out of her purse like she's relieved I didn't jump into the other car. "Yes, let's."

"You're not taking me to the Dirty Robber, are you?"

She's rolling her eyes while pushing the key fob. "I was thinking of something more neutral. Somewhere no one knows and our history."

Somewhere neutral, somewhere nobody knows is, and our history. No Matter who's eavesdropping our conversation. That sounds like heaven to me. I open the passenger's to her Toyota and nod. "Sounds good to me."

She opens the driver's door and smiles broadly at me. "I thought so."

That smile! She's trying to kill me, I'm sure if it. What was it she called it? Takotsubo cardiomyopathy? It's a type of non-ischemic cardiomyopathy in which there is a sudden temporary weakening of the muscular portion of the heart. This weakening may be triggered by emotional stress, such as the death of a loved one, a break-up, rejection from a partner or constant anxiety. This -

I groan and bury my face in my head as soon as I hear Maura talking about it in my head.

"What's wrong?" She has a worried expression as she looks at me.

I frown at her and shake my head, putting involuntary my hand on her thigh. "Nothing, everything is fine." It's clothed, still I can feel her muscles tense under my touch and back off before I get burned. I can see that Maura's swallowing hard and that she's gripping the steering wheel so hard that her knuckles are turning white. I want to tell her that it is okay to feel whatever she's feeling right now. Instead, I stare at the road in front of us and keep my mouth shut. Maybe it's a mistake, but I don't think so.

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I clench my teeth and sip my coffee. Maura stayed truth to her word. We're sitting in a bistro no one knows us, or even our history... I sigh and frown. "You're back at work for a week already?"

"Nina's such a newsmonger," she hisses and I choke on my coffee.

I see her confused look and wipe my mouth, smiling a smile that hurts. It really hurts but I wave my hand. "So it's true?"

"It's is." She replies and shrugs like everything is going back to normal as soon as she's being back to the morgue. "Are you coming back? Do you thinking of coming back?"

I am not able to swallow the coffee down that moment and frown.

"Do you think you could come back with me being back as the Chief Medical Examiner?"

Hell, yeah! Is there another choice? I nod slowly. "Definitely,'' I say and see relief washing over Maura. "Is that what you kept you back? Thinking it would be some kind of awkward?"

"No."

"What's kept you then?"

"The overall situation. Now, I feel like I am ready to be back at work. What is keeping you?"

The question makes me frown again and I look away. "I - try to give you space."

"That never kept you from working around of me!"

I ... You ask me to leave you alone, I can't promise you that I'll stay professional the time we're in the same room. I clench my jaw but nod. "True."

"There is another reason."

I scoff and nod again, wiggling my eyebrows. Maura has the ability to read my like an open book, there is no need to deny her statement, it would be senseless either. "Yeah."

She's looking long at me. "You're not going to tell me what the reason is, are you?"

I shake my head. "No."

"Are you going to tell me what's keeping you from sleeping?"

"Is that your canny way to tell my I look tired?"

"You look awful, Jane."

"Gee, thanks." I laugh and lean back in my chair but I know that she has never been more right then right now.

"Angela also told me that you're barely eating."

My eyes snap up to hers and I know I am frowning deeply. I didn't see this coming. "You're still talking to Ma?"

Maura leans back in her chair, too, shrugging. "There is no reason not to talk to her. Unless ... it's bothering you."

What the hell? No, that's not what I wanted to imply. Shortly I moved out of the house I had been sitting in the Dirty Robber and walked down the memory lane until Ma stood behind the counter and asked me if she should move out of the guest house. I almost fell off the bar chair that moment. I would never ask her to move out just because Maura and I are no longer. I know very well that Maura's like a daughter to her and that this request wouldn't only break Maura but Ma, too. I still remember the one time Maura and I had a big fight and I asked my mother to leave the house with me, back then I was too proud and to stubborn to give in, just like Maura. It had to take a car accident, a near-death experience and Maura almost losing her leg before both of us came back to our senses. Ever since I told myself not to be as mad at her as I was back then, no matter what. And it worked until now. And to be honest, I am not mad Maura. Not at all. I mean, I was the one who said I would leave the relationship before we'd destroy ourselves. I ... I -

I look long at her and her sight is still making my heart skipping a beat. Unfortunately that's something I can't tell her. "Not at all," I say and she smiles. "Not at all, Maura. She's like a mother to you and I know she would never forgive me if I'd make her choose, because she loves you." I take a deep breath and chew on the inside of my cheek. Maybe it's a mistake but I have to get this off my chest. "I'm glad that we're sitting here."

She's silent for a moment and her expression is sad. "You're the one who has been avoiding me ever since the day you walked out of the door."

"You could have called."

"And tell you what, Jane?"

I blink and frown again. That was a good jab. Tell me what? Maybe that she's missing me? Maybe that this isn't she wanted things to turn? Maybe that she's sorry and that I should come back home? Maybe that she's sorry and that she wants to be buddy-buddy with me again. No, those are all the things I want to tell her, and took me a hell of an effort not to take my phone and call her, and to tell Maura all those things. "I really miss you." I whisper more to myself and am surprised that I'm feeling a hand on my wrist, making me stop to roll the mug in my hands.

She looks at me with soft eyes. "I miss you, too."

Can I come back home? I swallow the question and furrow my brows. "Can't we ... Can't we be friends again?"

Maura's silence for a moment, and then she's licking her lips. "God, I hope so," she sighs.

But it needs time. I understand and nod slowly.

After we're done with drinking way too much coffee and trying to rekindle our friendship, and started to sound obliged to come up with another topic, I told her that it would be about time to part ways.

"You know, nobody's going to steal me away on the way from your car to my apartment." I state and smile at Maura because she's walking me to the building's entrance.

She's smiling broadly back at me. "You never know."

"I'm not running off either."

"That you can't be sure of, too."

I stop walking and shrug. "I'm not going to ask you if you wanna come up with me cuz I know you won't."

Maura's looking up at the building before she scrunches her nose and shakes her head. "No."

I chuckle and step closer to her. I shrug shyly. "Is it okay if -" My question is cut short and I find myself in a tight hug, my eyes flutter shut and I hug Maura back. I can tell that she needs this as much as I do. After what feels like an eternity, I step back and smile down at her, taking her hand in my own and squeezing it lightly. "Bye, Maura."

It takes a moment before Maura's releasing my hand but she's smiling. "Bye, Jane."

I watch her towards her car but this time it doesn't hurt seeing her walking away. I take a deep breath and my keys out of the pocket of my coat. "It's going to be okay." I tell myself.