"Do you think she's lying to me?" Jo asked Joker when they were finally in bed. "Playing me?"
"Hard to say after fifteen minutes of talking to her. You were right the other day, she seems angry, confused and lonely. I don't know if she's mature enough and good enough to play a role so convincingly. Yes, I think you're emotionally compromised in this situation, but even so, you have great instincts. Even if only a tenth of them is working right now, I still trust your judgment more than anyone else's."
Jo nodded, shifting closer to him and letting her hand slowly travel down his chest.
"I think she enjoys flinging the truth at me too much to be lying. She loves tossing the morbid details of her creation into my face. Not because she wants pity, but to show that she's strong enough to have survived it."
"Which she technically isn't. She committed suicide."
"I know, never said it was logical," Jo smiled, nibbling at his wing tattoo while her hand travelled down his treasure trail. "But she feels the need to prove her strength, and right now the story of her origins is the only one that is all her, her challenge and achievement."
"For what it's worth, I wish that she's truthful with us," Joker pushed his hips up, encouraging her hand to go even lower. "I wish for you to have the sister you want."
"I just want to grab her, hold her and tell her she'll never be alone again, that everything will be fine, but I know it's going to fall on deaf ears. I need to give her some time and space to breathe. But she's so exciting!"
Joker groaned on the last word and wriggled to make sure her hand was touching his already hard shaft.
"I'll show you what's exciting," he growled and yanked her by the hair into a bruising kiss, hungry and desperate after two weeks of separation. She made a high-pitched noise of surrender, which went straight to his balls. He rolled on top of her and proceeded to show her exactly how much he'd missed her until she was a puddle of babbling goo in his hands.
Since the next day was a Sunday and all ICA had a day off, Jo decided that they should take Justine shopping. Justine was surprised by the unexpected outing, saying that it would defeat the purpose of her keeping low key if they were going to parade down the shopping street, but Jo was willing to take a little risk. They took her to a smaller town nearby, where people didn't expect Commander and Lieutenant Moreau at all. On their very first stop Joker bought the women caps just like his and sunglasses. The disguise wouldn't fool anyone who actually knew them, but at least random strangers on the streets wouldn't immediately see two famous faces instead of one.
Given the freedom to choose her own stuff, Justine was very quickly overwhelmed. Jo helped her with clothes, encouraging her to try different styles, from colourful dresses to simple pants and shirts. Then they took her to a restaurant and afterwards to a park to eat ice cream and splash around in a gigantic shallow tank with dolphin-like animals native to Chrysalis. Most other visitors were children with their parents and Justine tried hard to refuse getting into water, going for a surly face and an indignant snort, but Joker finally pushed her in.
She wanted to retaliate, but then one of the animals nudged her in the back and she yelped in surprise. Several children nearby laughed and all anger left her at once. Jo, who was already in the water, watched her sister helplessly gape at the children, completely lost at what to make of them. Their joy, their smiles - the most honest and disarming thing in the world. Justine seemed completely overwhelmed by it. When the animal nudged her again, she reached out to keep balance and ended up petting the slippery creature. Several kids squealed in excitement and started toward her to join in on the petting. Within moments she became the centre of a living knot buzzing with pure delight. It was clear Justine had no idea what to do, except she didn't want to frighten the kids or the animal with her usual brusque ways.
Jo bit hard on her lips watching the scene and she knew that later in the day Justine would have an emotional episode, too overwhelmed by this unfamiliar situation and needing to release the tension. She was right: when they returned to Justine's house, she was barely holding it together. She grabbed her shopping bags and demanded that they didn't come visit her the next day before she hurried inside and locked the door.
"That went well," Joker snorted, starting the car again.
"Shock treatment," Jo nodded. "You know, I reacted the same way when I joined the Alliance at eighteen and suddenly there were all those well-meaning men around, my own bunk with a real mattress and a pillow which I didn't have to fight for, and plenty of food I didn't heed to hide from others. Took me a week, but eventually I broke down in the showers at night. Bawled my eyes out for an hour. And it wasn't the only time."
"You think she's going to be okay?"
"She's in a whole new world now, without guns and treachery. The smile of a child can kill a person quicker than a bullet can. I hope she'll realise soon that it's all true and that this is the real world, not the one Brooks introduced her to. I hope she decides to become a part of it."
Monday morning Joker went straight to the cafeteria while Jo stopped by her office first. He whistled as he walked and released a blissful sigh, sitting down at the same table where most of their friends were already sitting. Everyone was enjoying a cup of coffee before starting their daily duties.
"Why are you so happy?" Vega raised an eyebrow. His face said clearly that Joker had no business being cheerful when Jo was away on some mission.
"I had the most mind-blowing sex in the shower this morning," Joker declared with smug satisfaction. "With the most stunning redhead in the whole galaxy."
Everyone at the table froze on the spot.
"Damn, that ass!" Joker purred and adjusted himself in his pants. "The things she did to me, holy fuck, my brain almost melted right out of my ears!.."
Jaws dropped as people slowly turned around and gaped at him.
"J... Joker?" Vega squeaked breathlessly.
Suddenly a cascade of coppery red hair fell around Joker's face and a woman leaned in from behind to kiss him on the cheek.
"Can you believe it?" Jo pulled a chair over to sit right next to him. "I just walked from the docks to my office and then to the cafeteria and not a single recruit even said hello. Nobody recognised me! Not one!"
Everyone at the table stared at her in stunned silence.
"Fuck," Jack finally declared. "You've got red hair. Why do you have red hair?!"
"Just to see your faces when my man told you about fucking a redhead in the shower," Jo sniggered and bit the curve of his shoulder. The seductive move worked: he grabbed her red mane and kissed her senseless.
"Wow," Tali coughed. "Is that permanent?"
"No, just some natural herbs I found while shopping yesterday. It'll wash out in a week."
"It's sure... different," Garrus agreed.
"I thought I'd try something new. Maybe I'll cut it next."
Slowly their friends started regaining their senses after the shock.
"So, you're back," Garrus cocked his head. "Jo, where have you been?"
"Will you trust me if I said that I just can't tell you?" Jo wrapped her arm around Joker's neck, but kept her eyes on her best friend, letting him see her open honesty. "It wasn't anything bad or worrisome. Can you accept that?"
"Yes," Garrus nodded. "Yes, I can."
"Thank you," Jo smiled. "Now I'm gonna go and scare some recruits." She kissed Joker again and left the table to make a round through the cafeteria, stopping here and there, greeting the recruits, asking about their progress. More than once Joker and the others heard surprised gasps: Jo's natural colouring was famous. A different look threw people for a loop.
Just when everyone was about to head to their respective classrooms or postings, the global sound system came alive with the theme song from Blasto. Very loudly. Nobody knew why Dex would play a stupid song all of a sudden. People stopped in their tracks, looking at each other explanation.
The song ended on a high note and was followed by a distorted krogan voice:
"Commander Moreau, consider yourself hacked."
Many gasps sounded in the cafeteria. Joker, other instructors and all recruits worriedly got up from their spots to look at Jo, who stood frozen in the middle of the room, ramrod straight and tense.
"We are the Renegades," the voice continued. "In the last forty seven minutes we have been connected to your systems and have downloaded information on all recruits, facilities and training schedules of the ICA. The AI has put up a hell of a fight, but he is currently disconnected from any device he could use to communicate with you. We could have stayed in your systems longer or installed a permanent virus, but I believe we have made our point. Commander Moreau, we will hold you to your promise. Our shuttle will be docking in eight minutes at the VIP dock."
"Holy crap," Joker exhaled. Tali and Naohe, Matt's second in command, were furiously tapping on their omnitools. Jo rolled her head to release a kink in her neck and roared:
"Matt!"
No reply of any kind came from the leader of Intelligence.
"Where the fuck is he?!" Jo roared even louder, furious.
"He came to work as usual this morning," someone reported.
"Yes, we saw him head to his lab," another recruit said and several more agreed.
"Go there and find out what happened," Jo pointed at the five nearest recruits. "Get Matt to the VIP dock immediately. The rest of you, assume parade formation in the atrium." She barked and stormed towards the VIP dock. People jumped out of her way as soon as they could. Joker and the other instructors hastily followed her.
When they arrived, the shuttle still hadn't docked. However, only a few minutes later Matt came running around the corner, his face red with unadulterated rage.
"Explain," Jo snapped at him.
"Can't," he snapped back. "'Cept there's a virus I didn't catch. No idea how it got here."
"If this is due to your negligence, I'll fire you."
"I'll quit!"
"Where were you anyway?"
"Locked in my lab, no contact with the outside. Fuckers."
"I do believe you've been bested at your own game," Joker needled the man. Matt shot him a murderous look:
"Shut up."
Joker grinned to himself. Finally a shuttle docked and twenty two people stepped off it. They all wore black outfits and black patches over one eye, poorly imitating pirates.
A krogan stepped forward and roared, declaring a victory in his people's way. Jo crouched slightly to an attack stance and growled back, just like a krogan. The 'pirate' backed up a step, quite possibly because of her unexpected red hair. He bowed slightly and removed his eyepatch.
"Commander," he said. "Respectfully, I do believe we've fulfilled our assignment and infiltrated the station's systems. We downloaded sensitive information, for all intents and purposes disabled Dex and Cyco, and could have taken control of the station if we deemed it necessary. It took us far less than a month. You have promised us each the N1."
After Jo made sure the guy wasn't too cocky because of his win, she released her stance and gestured towards the atrium:
"Follow me."
The whole population of the station stood at attention and the instructors joined them in the first rows. The 'pirates' followed Jo to the front, where she stopped, facing the congregation. Matt hovered near her, barely holding back from strangling the recruits who'd outdone him so spectacularly.
"Well," Jo chuckled and shook her head in honest disbelief. "Report, if you please."
The krogan stepped forward again:
"Recruit Jorgal Broll, Leadership specialisation. As the unofficial leader of our task team I'll be presenting the report. As ordered, we moved planetside and explored our possibilities. After brainstorming for four days we have detected eighteen different ways to infiltrate the station to various degrees. We decided on the simplest approach and disregarded the options that would require long planning or might expose our plans to Intelligence."
"Why the simplest?" Jo inquired.
"The more elaborate a plan, the higher the chance that it will fail," Broll said as if it was understood. Jo smiled and nodded with satisfaction. "We contacted as many black market traders and tech inventors as we could find. We found several labs constructing nanorobots and managed to procure a small sample of their product. We programmed the robots accordingly and introduced them to the station's atmosphere via food containers routinely brought to the cafeteria from the planet. To be more specific, they were on lettuce."
People started laughing and couldn't stop even when Matt glared around. Joker saw that even Jo's shoulders shook a little.
"The air conditioning system carried the nanorobots to many knot points in the security system, among others to Dex's main server room. The process took thirty eight hours. When the nanorobots had compromised one of the Red Boxes, we were able to gain access to the system from our hideout. Then it was only a matter of time until we hacked the security and the archives, paralysed Dex and downloaded sensitive information. We could have achieved more, but our mission was to reveal security weaknesses, not to cause damage. Mission completed, Commander."
"How the fuck did you manage to get past Dex in the first place?" Matt growled. His pride was hurt after being locked in his own lab by a bunch of mere recruits.
"Recruit Shana T'Zol will explain all the details," Broll gestured at an asari who looked criminally young and almost shy. If Jo had invited her, though, the girl must be extraordinary at whatever she was doing. "The rest of the team will explain to you in detail our other ideas for infiltration."
"Nanotechnology," Jo folded her arms on her chest. "That's highly illegal."
"That's why it cost you dearly," Broll smirked. "You did give us unlimited budget, after all."
"That I did. How did you manage to find someone to sell you the stuff? I can't imagine that the black market traders would sell to anyone who even smelled like authorities."
"We played a role playing game. Recruit Kaara played a psychotic leader of a newly formed terrorist group," Broll pointed at another asari, an elder woman who carried herself with Samara's dignity and self assurance. "The rest of us played her underlings. We shook down a few traders, blew up a few warehouses and a couple of clubs. No civilian casualties. Due to Recruit Kaara's penchant for biotic torture and Recruit Xenax Tiraxis' negotiation tactics we persuaded the right people to give us what we wanted."
Jo remained silent for a long moment, just smiling and looking at the group. When they started to squirm, she barked:
"Attention!" The people present fell in as one. "Recruit Jorgal Broll, you and every member of the Renegade Pirates team have my thanks and Matt Cyco's deepest resentment, which is a compliment in itself." Everyone chuckled, except Matt. "I congratulate you on a successful mission. Each of you have earned your N1 status. Please present to me the specifics of your mission and reports on all your activities. I will review everything and consult the other instructors if any of you deserve the N2 commendation. Please change into your parade blacks and come to the Assembly at fifteen hundred sharp for the official ceremony."
The tight ranks dissolved and the recruits rushed to congratulate their comrades, asking a million questions at once, eager to hear their story. Jo was rolling her eyes when she approached Joker, Garrus and other senior Instructors.
"Lettuce," she muttered, wrapping her arm around Joker. After their separation they couldn't keep their hands off each other and didn't care if anyone had a problem with that. "Can you believe? We've been infiltrated via lettuce."
"They deserve points for creativity," matriarch Alita, the leader of the Diplomacy branch, nodded at the 'pirates', who were being grilled mercilessly by Matt.
"You told them to torture and kidnap, and they did," Gilla O'Ran, the Infiltration leader, agreed.
"I admit, I didn't see this coming," Jo looked impressed. "I came to depend so much on Matt... I guess everyone can be bested."
"Even you?" Tali teased.
"Hey, I died twice!" Jo teased back. "Nobody here has been as defeated as I have."
"True, that," Garrus nodded.
Before Jo sat down to review the material, she had her very first Leadership class. Her classroom was not far from her office, had no windows and the seats were arranged like an amphitheatre facing a desk. When she entered, thirty recruits were already sitting impatiently, unsure what to expect.
She approached her desk and put down a heavy book on it, a real paper book.
"Before we start talking about how to deal with other people," she said, sitting down on the corner of the desktop. "We will discuss how to deal with ourselves. The very first and most important thing everyone at the ICA needs is to know how to deal with the things we see. If we want to help other people, we need to learn how to fix ourselves first. All of you and many people out there wonder one thing about me: how do I do it? How do I perform one miracle after another, suffer unimaginable traumas and still keep going?" She tapped the book. "A book is an answer. Not this specific book, but any book. Who can tell me why?"
Obviously, a human was the first to get it.
"You turn over a new leaf?" She suggested.
"Indeed," Jo opened the book and flipped a few pages. "The things I've seen... The things I've done. If you think it's impossible to deal with all of it, you're right. If I tried, I'd surely go insane. It's just too much for one person to fully comprehend. So, in my life I've learned to live by a wonderful prayer: God, give me serenity to accept the things I can't change, the courage to change the ones I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
She paused, letting her words sink in.
"I have a lot of courage and I've changed a lot of things. All of you are here because you refuse to accept what others consider impossible. And we will change many things together. But sometimes things happen that are beyond our powers. Terrorist attacks we couldn't foresee. Cruelties of people towards each other. What I've learned is to accept the fact that those things are not my fault. Even if some terrorist detonates a nuclear bomb near this station in order to kill me and ends up killing all of you instead - I'll know it's not my fault."
Some recruits looked aghast, but most of them silently accepted the truth.
"It's the terrorist's decision to be careless about casualties, their decision to use violence. When there is nothing I could have done, I will thank the gods for the wisdom to know it. Truth is, there are things I can never unsee. But I need to go on, stay strong to finish the mission. So when something horrible happens, I turn over a new leaf. My past, my story, is written in a book. All the baggage I have is there, it never goes away." She opened the book in the middle and tapped the first half. "All those experiences are mine, they can't be erased. But as long as I have new pages ahead of me, as long as I'm still alive, I choose to focus on the future. Yesterday was yesterday, no matter how hard it was. Today starts on a clean page. No prejudices, no grudges, no bitterness, no nightmares. It's a new day."
There was a long silence in the room. A turian recruit eventually spoke up:
"Can you really leave it all in the past so that you have no nightmares?"
"The only thing I have nightmares about is my first resurrection. That's something even I can't let go of. But other things? Horrors of war? Yes, I am at peace with them."
"When you say: no grudges, no bitterness..." Another turian said. "Do you really live by that rule?"
"Oh, it's one of my best traits. I can let go of a personal grudge," Jo nodded and smiled when several people sarcastically snorted. "Yes, I know, you've all seen vids and heard stories of me executing people for offending me. Sometimes I choose to act on my feelings. Mostly it happens when it was something deeply personal. Like if you kick my husband in the ribs, you sign your death warrant. If you try to take my identity, you lose your head. But Thresher Maws, for example? When thirty nine of my people died on Akuze, I swore to take revenge on every Maw I'd see. I killed some, deliberately looked for them. But then Tuchanka happened, and Kalros killed a Reaper for me. I let go of my personal grudge because it was for the greater good. And I felt lighter ever since. I let it go, forgave and put it behind me."
"What about the Reapers? Would you have forgiven them, too?"
"But I have," Jo said. People shifted in their seats uncomfortably. "I entered their consciousness, remember? Once I found out that they were all indoctrinated and acting on their master's orders against their own will, there was nothing I could hold against them any longer."
"But you killed them?"
"They asked me to. Demanded it. I've resisted, you know. I tried to find another way. There was none. If there was a chance, I would have saved them just as I saved countless other lives. I would have been the first to extend a hand of friendship to them, would have done all I could to create peace between them and us. Making peace with them would have been my greatest accomplishment. Alas, it wasn't meant to be. Each Reaper was a dead cycle. Do you have any idea how many genocides I committed in those few seconds? That's one of the things I choose to leave in the past and turn over a new leaf."
"What about the puppet master, then? The AI that controlled the Reapers?"
"I hold no grudge against it, and I don't actually hate it, either. It gave me a choice: my cycle or it. I choose my cycle. Chose it consciously, rationally, and without regrets regarding that AI. I may regret that one of my friends got caught in the crossfire and had to die, but I don't regret removing a threat to everyone else."
The class lasted an hour and the conversation flowed freely, more and more relaxed when the recruits finally started to realise that Jo was truly opening up to them, telling them her real experiences, explaining her decisions. When the session was over, the group buzzed with new energy, continuing the conversation even on their way out.
Jo reviewed the material Broll gave her and it was decided by the collective of the senior Instructors that six of twenty two recruits in the self-named Renegade team deserved N2. Some for hacking, some for organising, some for good acting skills and going the distance for the mission. After the ceremony where Jo pinned a badge on each of their collars, she took the time to personally add their names to the wall where Vega had started the list of new graduates.
Matt was still in a foul mood and even Dex was unusually grumpy as they summoned the entire Intelligence branch, sat them down and started working out the issues that had been discovered in the security. Jo and Joker left them to their work, knowing that Matt wouldn't eat or sleep until he fixed everything.
Back at home Jo tried to call Justine, but only got static for five tries. On her sixth try Justine accepted the call only to tell Jo to leave her alone and not visit in the near future. The other woman looked like hell, if Jo was to be honest. She had dark circles under her eyes and red, puffy face, as if she'd been crying. Jo decided to give her a little space before trying again.
They quickly fell into a rhythm at work and at home. Joker discovered a cocktail mixer. He found a recipe book and started making all kinds of non-alcoholic drinks for Jo. She was only happy to taste them all. It was four days after the shopping/swimming day with Justine that Joker's omnitool started ringing in the middle of the night. He looked at the caller's ID and immediately came off the bed, entirely awake.
"I'll be there in twenty three minutes," he said after accepting the call. Jo sat up on the bed. There was a situation and she waited for his report.
"Uhm..." Justine's voice sounded raw and hoarse. "Don't you live an hour away from me?"
"Not if I fly the fastest car on the market I don't," he deflected. "Hang in there."
He disconnected. Jo looked at him, confused:
"Why is she calling you and not me?"
"Because she's finally hit rock bottom and she couldn't possibly show you such weakness. She wants your approval too much. But she knows that I'm the guy who's repeatedly seen the 'holy and mighty Commander Shepard' fall apart. It's safe for her to be weak in front of me."
He was already dressed and fastening his shoes. Jo bit her lip:
"I could help."
"You can't fix a problem when you're part of that problem, love. You need to sit this one out," he came around the bed to kiss her. "Trust me, like you always do. And I promise not to sleep in your sister's bed, no matter how much she wants comfort."
"Good," Jo still pouted but let him go.
Exactly twenty three minutes after Justine's call Joker entered her house. He and Jo may have started playing model citizens lately, but in the end he was still an N7 class pilot and considered the traffic law beneath him. It was as dark in the house as it was outside. He knew Justine wouldn't be sitting on the couch or at the kitchen table, waiting for him. First he checked the bathroom and when he found it empty, he headed straight for the tiny walk-in closet in the bedroom. And there she was, curled in on herself under a low shelf holding extra pillows and blankets. She was shaking violently and sobbing into her sleeve.
Joker slowly folded himself into a sitting position next to her.
"Whatcha cryin' about?" He inquired gently. That caused another shudder and a wail that Justine tried to muffle by biting into her own arm, but couldn't completely stop. Joker laid his hand on her shaking shoulder and squeezed just a little. "You've been crying for days, I take it. It hasn't helped so far. What you need is to let it all our for real. Say it and own it. It'll get better, I promise."
"I don't know what's happening to me," Justine managed to say between harsh sobs. "Those kids... and shops, and ice cream... and Jo and you... I don't belong here!"
Joker had a lot to say to her but first he needed to listen, so he remained silent.
"Why Jo and not me? What's so special about her? She bats her eyelashes and people come running, ready to catch bullets for her! Me - I'm only second best, if at all. The one person I trusted, the only person I actually considered a friend, turned out to be completely different. At the first sign of trouble she let me fall. Literally. Why me? And why not me?"
She quaked and succumbed to another fit of tears. Joker rubbed her shoulder and neck soothingly until the crying subsided again. He was actually surprised that she still had so many tears left in her after being in this condition for days.
"Come on, let's get you out of this funk," he said, got up to his feet and pulled the reluctant woman after him. He guided her to the bathroom and made her splash cold water in her face. Then he got her to the living room and deposited her on the couch. She hugged a cushion and curled into a foetal position while he went to the kitchen and made some tea. A few minutes later he brought Justine a steaming cup and a glass of liquor.
"Have a drink and wash it down with some tea. It'll help you relax."
She wasn't crying anymore, but instead she was barely responsive. He had to coax her to sit up in order to drink. When she curled up again, he sat in the armchair by her head and made himself comfortable.
"Now listen, girl. You feel like you don't belong. It may come as a surprise for you, but we all feel like that at some point. That's why pretty much every sapient being spends their life looking for a place where they do belong. Another surprise: most of us never find it. You're not alone feeling like this. I know you want to hear that you have it worse than anyone else out there, but trust me, you're not that special."
She half-snorted, half-chuckled.
"Take me, for example. Brittle bones? A family that was pulled in two different directions? I had to fight for my place in the world, even though most of the time it felt like I was trying to dig a tunnel through solid rock with only my hands for tools. I didn't belong anywhere and I knew that the world would reject me without a moment's pause if only I stopped trying. My whole childhood and teenage years were a lesson in humility. At the flight academy nobody took me seriously at first, until I showed them all that I was a better pilot than some teachers. Then they resented me for it. Afterwards, a decade of odd jobs, bouncing from one posting to another. Nobody wanted to invest in a crippled pilot. That's all people saw. Damaged. An accident waiting to happen. Not worth the trouble. Stay away."
He smiled at a new memory:
"And then I saw her. Not Jo. The Normandy. Well, I heard about her first, the Alliance was buzzing about this new human-turian project. It was a dream job, I wanted it. And when I saw her, I wanted to belong in that cockpit. She was the ship I wanted to go down with. Didn't work out that way, because right after meeting her I met her. I was thirty one and that was the first time I felt like I belonged. You're six months old. There's no way you could find your place in the world so quickly."
Justine didn't interrupt, but she listened very carefully.
"Or take Jo. Born info a family where she wasn't wanted, moved to an orphanage where nobody cared, then into a gang where everyone was out to get her, joining the Alliance because she had no other choice. The ICA was the first time when she felt appreciated for exactly who she is. And then we met. Mind, we were both so utterly young. We're not that much older now, but what I'm saying is that we're lucky to have met so early. Many people don't meet their soul mates until they're old. If at all. And even after we met, you think it was easy? You should have seen Jo when we visited my mum on Benning. She was flabbergasted because there was a window in the bathroom. She'd never seen bookshelves with real books, a sewing chest, a fully equipped kitchen and a neighbourhood full of children. She felt utterly out of place in that civilian setting. But she wanted it. She took on my mum to get it. They must gave gone at each other like two wildcats. The odds were against us, my mum was against us, the Reapers threatened everything, but we wanted to belong and we both fought for it. So calm down about not belonging. Of course you don't - you just started living. Even if you never find your place, you'll be in the same boat as the majority of the galactic population: looking."
Justine threw a quick, careful glance at him. She was listening and drawing her own conclusions. He only hoped they were the right ones.
"As for 'why her and not you'. Do you think you're the only one who ever trusted the wrong person? If there was no betrayal, literature and entertainment business would be utterly boring. For one friendship that works there are hundreds that fall apart. You were betrayed only by one person so far. Jo spent years in the clutches of her gang leader who gives the meaning to the term 'wrong person'. She's been betrayed many times, by people who were supposed to have her back in the Allianc, and others who tried their best to convince her they were true. It took her years to hone that skill, reading people. She's much better now at weeding out the bad ones, but it's never a guarantee. Never. Every person you meet is a gamble and even after years of friendship you can be surprised. In a way enemies are easier to handle. They are honest about betraying you."
Justine laughed again. Her shaking calmed down and she relaxed her cramped body. Now she just laid there and listened.
"By definition, a betrayal is when you don't see it coming. The Bitch was the wrong person and you should cut yourself some slack. She played you masterfully and you couldn't have possibly seen it coming. You were a newborn. Hell, she spent that whole day with us and while we might have been suspicious of her, we still all went along. She didn't only fool you, she fooled Jo and the Normandy crew, too. But let me tell you, Jo is real. If only you let her in, she will be loyal to a fault. Do you have any idea how often she asked herself or me 'why her' in the years since I've met her? Every single day. She didn't deserve the pain she got. Neither did you. But the pain doesn't define you."
Justine's whole body heaved when he fell silent. She dragged in a breath and slowly released it. Tears started running down her face again, but this wasn't agony anymore. Just quiet sadness.
"I spent the day hiding in the bushes," she said.
"Come again?"
"The bushes shielding the house from the road? I hid in them and watched people pass me by, so close I could touch them. All those normal people. Civilians. Families, children, pets, cars... Sat in the bushes for hours like a crazy person."
"It's not crazy."
"Uhuh."
"Really, it's not. It's kind of symbolic, isn't it? For now that's your place. Watching life going on right in front of you, you can almost touch it, but you're still hiding, invisible, almost there but not. You're safe in your hiding place, safe in the darkness and misery of it. The light scares you."
"Yeah, I get it. Deal with it or eat a bullet, right?"
"Jo still has nightmares about her first resurrection two and a half years after it happened. You can't just 'deal with it'. It's a long and tough progress. You'll have many breakdowns like tonight. You'll swing from firm resolutions to total despair. There is no shortcut and you shouldn't even be looking for one. Live this, own it, make it your own experience and your first real accomplishment. Jo and I will be there for you every step of the way."
"You know, when I read the file Maya had about you, I couldn't really see why Jo is interested in you. Jo told me I'd have to meet you in person to really appreciate you. She was right, you're good at this."
"I'm a misanthrope and an asshole. The fact that you and Jo find me inspiring says a lot about your genetic makeup. Anyway, she's my woman. I use slightly different tactics to get her out of her funk."
"Like what?"
"Sometimes I fuck her stupid. Sometimes I braid her hair. She finds that relaxing. Sometimes I grab her by the throat and slam her against a wall. Most of the time I simply fall asleep on top of her. A puppy pile, she calls it. I'm not going to do any of that with you, so we'll stick to talking."
"Fine by me." Justine fell silent and sighed deeply, rubbing tears off her cheeks. Outside it was already dawn and birds were singing like crazy. "Jeff?"
"Hm?"
"Do you..." She broke off and continued in a barely audible whisper, as if afraid that someone except him might hear her. "Do you think there's someone out there for me? You know, my own... guy?"
"No doubt about it," he nodded.
"Really?"
"You and Jo are both true. Sure, she can lie and cheat and manipulate, but under all that she's true, and people feel it. She attracts other people who are also true. It will happen to you as well, if you let it. And one of them will be the one for you. It'll probably be the least obvious choice, with a gazillion problems separating you, impossible odds and rigged games. That's what will make him the one. 'Cause, you know, if it's easy, then it's probably not your soul mate."
"Will you let me see my nephew, or niece?"
"Of course. Are you planning to stick around long enough to see the baby born?"
"Probably. I don't feel like being on my own right now."
"Then welcome to the family."
