Oh man, that was a HELL of a writer's block when it came to that story. I hope you guys are still with me.
I really hope that you will like this very new update of this story.
you're welcome to share your thoughts with me :-)
Enjoy,
T73
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Right now, I'm sitting at my desk in the bullpen and am toying with the engagement ring I have chosen before Maura's kidnapping, wondering if she was serious about being ready to get encaged or if it was just a bait I haven't taken yet, but I really consider it. To be honest, I am a little afraid of her reaction if she isn't really ready and wonder if this would be the reason to end our relationship once and for all. I'm so lost in my thoughts that I don't hear someone approaching me from behind, that's why I nearly jump out of my skin when that someone is asking me, "What have you got there," Nina's asking and I can see the amusement in her eyes.
I furrow my brows and wanna try to hide the damn thing but I know that it's already too late because my dear friend doesn't seem to have the intention to drop the topic and to tell me something exciting about an ongoing investigation I have no clue about. Please let there be a case I'm not involved. It's rare that I speak a prayer but right now I do. I smile coyly at her and drop heedless the ring in the top drawer of my desk. "I don't know what you're talking about," I reply and know instantly that she's not buying it because Nina's crossing her arms over her chest and raises her brows a little. I roll my eyes and get the damn ring back out of the drawer showing it to her.
Nina's staring at it and confusion is mirrored in her eyes. "I know that ring. If I remember right I came with you to pick it."
I roll my eyes once more and place it back in its rightful box. "I am aware of that."
"And why are you staring at it like it's about to jump at you and bite you?"
"It's because of Maura."
Nina gives me the chance to explain further but asks when I stay silent, "What about her?"
I take a moment and am not really sure how to answer that question. I'm even not sure what to think about my girlfriend's change of mind. Sure, I started to tell her what I was feeling when Maura was kidnapped and that, at some point, I even thought that she was dead. That it was killing me from the inside that Maura wasn't talking to me about the nightmares she had and that I hated it that she withdrew herself from me and everyone else. That it was killing me that she didn't talk to me about the loose we both suffered. I mean, I really have no idea what was going on in her mind the moment she realized that our baby was gone. I only know what was going on in my head when I carried her out of the damn cottage. The moment I understood that there was no baby anymore, but to be honest I didn't care about that in the second I had Maura, the love of my life, back in my arms, back in my live, alive. Dehydrated, covered in blood, hypothermic and almost unconscious, but alive. Breathing and alive. I flinch when I hear Nina clearing her throat and look at her. "She's … I don't know, I think she's expecting that I'll pop the question any time soon."
I can tell that my brother's fiancée is surprised and she's sitting down on the chair that is standing next to my desk. "Why are you thinking that?"
I lean back in my chair and huff, turning to her. "Because last night we were lying in bed and she said to me that it's time for me to think about a way to propose."
She makes a face and hold up a hand. "I don't wanna know any details."
I laugh shortly and shake my head. "There are no dirty details that I wouldn't share with you anyway."
She's shifting in the chair and studies me for a moment. "But that's great, isn't it? It means that she's progressing and that she isn't blaming you anymore for what happened to her. That she's ready to take the next step."
I nod slowly but tap with the tip of my index finger against the drawer, frowning. "I guess it means that, Nina. But I'm afraid that it's just one more good moment and as soon as I bring myself to propose to her, that I'll screw it up once more. And that we won't be able to fix our relationship once again." I pause and shrug. "I mean, it was already hard enough to fix it after she freaked out just because I left that damn thing on the kitchen counter and Maura thought I'd propose the morning after I told my mother about my plans before Maura got kidnapped."
Nina looks long at me and takes her time before she's speaking again, licking her lips. "You're thinking that the ring we've picked could trigger something, aren't you?"
I scoff, answering, "Very good, Detective."
She chuckles but rolls her eyes. "How about we have lunch together at the Dirty Robber and after that we go and check out the jewelry in close area just to get an idea what you're looking for this time?" She pauses and looks in the direction of her work station. "Unless you get called to a new crime scene."
I smile thankfully at her. Sure, she isn't Frost and she could never replace him, but we all know that she even isn't trying to. That she is who she is and that she asks every now and then about her precursor and our stories with Frost. And we all know that she understands how it feels when you lose someone close. Of course, Frost wasn't as close to me as Nina's fiancé was to her, but we told her that he was a kind of brother to us. That's it, she didn't need to know more.
Anyway, I'm really gratefully to call Nina my friend. I smile at her and take a deep breath. "Thank you, Nina."
She gets up from the chair and smiles back at me. "You're welcome." She pauses because even I can feel that suddenly I have a funny expression. "What's wrong?"
I swallow down the lump in my throat and place the velvet box back in the top drawer, closing it slowly. "I … I need to be somewhere else before I make up my mind once and for all. Give me a call if we are needed! Lunch tomorrow?"
She frowns deeply but nods once. "Sure."
I get up and get my jacket from the back from my chair. I feel bad because I turned Nina down even though she only wants to help but I also know that she understands that I need some time for myself right now to think her suggestion over. I leave the bullpen without saying goodbye and don't pay attention on my way to my car. I don't get cold feed, though, I just need some time for myself.
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My sanctuary is always the grave of my unborn baby but today I didn't come here guilty conscience or to punish myself, wondering what if. Since Maura and I talked about how we really feel about what happened and that we are both traumatized I started to understand that it won't help when I die of sorrow because nothing can undo the passing of this little life. I started to understand it and I think Maura also, perhaps that's why she hinted that I should think of a decent way to propose. It might sound strange but ever since that day I came here once in a week and the sight of our child's headstone fills me with grief but in the same time it fills me with hope. Because how painful it is it shows that she and I can make it, no matter how hard our lives get. We can do it, we are strong enough to get through whatever life has on hand for us next. We might crumble and then we raise again, together and stronger. It happened before and it maybe happens again, in the future. We fall, raise and pick up the pieces, I know we can do this.
Every time I come here I bring a little stuffed animal with me and place it on the grave. I started to buy them the second I got to know that my girlfriend was pregnant, Maura brings always a fresh bouquet of flowers when she comes here. I can tell that she is here once in a week as well because of that. That's fine with me but I don't bring that up and neither does she. I take a deep breath and put my hand on the headstone to say goodbye for today. I am ready to head back to the precinct again but then I stop and look in a certain direction before I head to it. Unfortunately, I know this cemetery by heart. Not only because one of my best friends is buried here but also others who were close to me. Damn, now I realize that I attended a lot of funerals, way too many for my liking. I get closer to my destination and notice a familiar silhouette standing there. I would recognize this person everywhere and I feel a tug on my heart at that thought because I meat this person for the first time because of an unpleasant reason that is called murder. One that I caught a couple of years ago, me and my old team. My old team, that means Korsak, Maura and Frost, and every now and then Frankie. Back then this person was only a little girl that had been saved from a blazing building by firefighters just like her parents, unfortunately her twin brother wasn't as lucky and died in the flames. I don't know why but I am not a person, and not a cop, who isn't touched by the victim's story, especially when it comes to children. There are cases when even I think that the victim asked for such an ending, especially when it comes to prostitutes, junkies, drug dealers, burglars, car thieves or pickpockets, I called them in the beginning lowlifes but step by step I started to understand that there is always a story behind it all. That those persons haven't been born and their fate was sealed at second one, that there had to be a moment when they went astray, a sticking point.
I step close to the young woman and place my left hand carefully on her shoulder so I won't scare the shit out of her. She's jumping a little and turns her head. Her brown eyes meet mine and suddenly the nine-year-old girl who can't understand what is happening stands in front of me again. The little girl who has asked me to attend the funeral of her twin brother and held my hand while her parents stared absentmindedly ahead of them like they focused on their very own grief instead of comforting their little girl who survived the fire. They never looked at her or even touched her like they were blaming her for surviving instead of the boy. I still remember her standing next to me and holding my hand, squeezing it tightly but she didn't shed a tear. She was brave, not like her mother who begged to get her little boy back, it seemed to me that the father was emotionally distant, sealed off. Perhaps that's why the marriage didn't work out in the end. Her mother started drinking and her father had been barely there. Either he spent his time at work or at pubs. Perhaps that's why this sweet little girl ended up in the system, the grinder. It broke my heart when I got to know that because I knew that she was a good kid, that sweet girl, and maybe it broke my heart because I knew that sometimes that system didn't do any good to this kind of kids, the one who had got neglected because they weren't enough for their parents.
Frost got the sparking idea that we had to deal with a firebug because there had been several fires around this area that time. It didn't change the girl's fate, but it turned out that the guy who set her house on fire was a twenty-year-old guy who stalked Skye and got mad because her parents let order him off a playground he hung around and waited for their daughter, talking and playing with her. Happily, one day her father came to said playground to pick her up and caught him leading Skye into the direction of a car. Happily, Mr. Atkin was quick-thinking, bottled Julian Bilous up and called the cops. Julian Bilous, pedophile and a firebug, this guy still makes me sick.
This girl's fate. I smile a little and step closer. This girl is a grown woman now, twenty-two, God, I start to feel old. Skye has a pale complexion, straight medium brown hair in a mid-length ponytail, and brown eyes. She is a little short, athletic and is dressed in jeans and a black shirt. "You brought the bouquet of white callas," I ask softly.
She takes a moment and shrugs. "I hope you don't mind," she replies with a British accent and I have to smile once again. It still amazes me that she kept it after all those years.
Shortly after we caught the case I learned that Skye and her family immigrated from a village in UK to the U.S three years before her brother died in the fire. And after that tragic I promised the girl that I would never lose sight of her, don't know how I managed that, though. Î shake my head because it isn't the first time that I come my child's grave and find two bouquets there. I know that Frankie and Ma come here every now and then, too, but I also know that they rarely bring flowers with them. And there were some days when I came here and saw someone standing at the grave and vanished like a ghost when I came closer, deep down I always knew that it was Skye. When I caught her one day she was embarrassed and apologized for stopping at our child's grave and that she would understand if I'd ask her to stop doing that, that she didn't want to intrude my private life. At that day I stared at her before I pulled her into a tight hug. Not only because I was touched but also because during that time I felt lonely and that Skye somehow understood what kind of loss this was. At some point on her own and somehow so I was thinking, for myself.
However, as I said, I stayed true to my word and kept an eye on Skye just as I did on Tasha. I kept track of their growth and professional career. It didn't surprise me when I got to know that Skye turned out to be an arson investigator. I shake my head and take a deep breath. "Not at all. I stop by here every now and then, too."
She nods slowly. "I know." She is silent for a moment and looks back at the headstone of her brother. "How is Maura doing?"
"She's getting better." I reply but clench my jaw.
I can tell that she notices it because of her frown. "How about you? How are you doing?"
I take a moment and smile a little. "I'm getting better, too."
"Such a loss is a load, for both parents. And those they leave behind because of their grief." She whispers more to herself and drops her eyes to the ground.
I turn her away from the grave and start to walk. "Let's have a cup of coffee and a little talk." I suggest it because I sense that there is something weighting heavily on her and I know exactly what it is but here is not the right place to talk about it.
"Can I have something that is stronger than coffee," she suddenly asks and I take a look at my watch. "Unless -"
"How about I pick you up after my shift?" I cut her off because I know that she noticed what time of day it is.
Skye smiles at me and nods.
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Right after I came back to BPD I went straight down to Maura's office and told her that I ran into Skye Atkin at the cemetery. At first my girlfriend was confused why I had been there at that day of week but pushed her confusion to the side after she has seen my face and knew that I wouldn't answer her question or even come up with a white lie. However, I told Maura that it could get late and that she shouldn't wait up for me. In the past I haven't done that and got wasted, called Frankie to pick me up and stumbled into the bedroom heedlessly. In those nights we either ended up fighting or fucking hard to forget all the pain we felt. Neither way was the best because in the next morning both of us pretended that it never happened. At some point I felt like I was takin advantage of Maura, sometimes it even felt like I was kinda raping her, that's another reason why I started to shut myself away.
I place a bottle of beer in front of Skye and sit down on the opposite of her, pushing those thoughts to the back of my mind. "There you go."
Skye sits there and starts picking at the label of the beer. "Does it get any better with some time?"
I know exactly what the young woman is talking about and look long at her, answering honestly, "God, I hope so."
A smile is shooing over her lips and I chuckle but only for a second because she becomes serious again. "I know that it sounds ridiculous because Kyle died at the age of six, but I still miss him."
I nod to myself and furrow my brows. "And today more than ever."
Her eyes shoot to mine and she takes a sip of the beer, a large one. "Yes, today more than ever."
I know that feeling very well, I still feel it every day. "It's the anniversary of your brother's death, Skye. It's okay to feel that way."
"It's sixteen years ago," she growls and squeezes the bottle so tight that her knuckles turn white.
I know that feeling very well and place my hand on her wrist so she's noticing that she's strangling the bottle. "Again, he was your brother!" I take a second and continue. "And that night you lost much more than him. You lost your parents, too. Not physically but emotionally."
"Yeah," she replies and closes her eyes. Again, I see the little girl that called me in the middle of the night, asking if she can go home again soon.
I squeeze her wrist again and hope that she knows that I am still here for her. "You survived, Skye. You are so strong. I mean, look at you, not many would have come so far after the things you had to go through."
"So are you, Jane."
"I am not as strong as you are." I reply. I say it not because I want to tickle Skye's vanity but because I mean it for real. She had to go through things no child should and I went through things as an adult I should have been capable to master. "After my -" I stop and correct myself, "After our child died this night I did and said some things no grown person should. You were a child when you lost your brother and … your parents, too."
"Yes, I lost them, too." She agrees and clenches her jaw. "Sometimes, in the children's home, I wondered why I couldn't go back to them, or why I couldn't stay at your place. Sometimes I wondered how it would be to grow up in your home."
I look long at her and a lump is forming in my throat. I can see that this isn't her first beer for the night and that the alcohol is loosening her tongue. And yet I can't hold my own. "You were just six and I was still young and focused on my very own career. I didn't -"
"You kept your promise." Skye cuts me off and gives me one of her rare smiles. "You always have been there when I needed you the most, Jane. And you made sure that good people adopted me. I am not only because of me who I am today. I am who I am today because of you, Maura, Vince and Frost, too. All of you shaped me no matter what happened to me. According to my story I could have ended up as a firebug, too, or become a drug addict, a whore. But all of you believed in me, all of you have been a tower to me. That's what makes a family, that's what makes you a good mother. And what happened to you and Maura is not fair, you didn't deserve it."
I swallow hard and almost empty my first bottle of beer almost with one sip. "I am not as good as you think I am, kid."
"Perhaps not." She agrees and I clench my jaw. "But at least you go and visit your child's grave, the one of whom you never got the chance to meet, once in a week. Kyle's and my parents never did that ever since the funeral. They never went to his grave, they didn't care about anyone else but themselves after Kyle died, and I didn't ask for much after his death."
Oh god, I already heard such a sentence. Not in the same context but already back then it made me extremely angry. "That didn't give your parents the right to neglect you, Skye."
The young woman empties her beer and wiggles her brows. "You are right, that is no excuse for neglecting me. And the thing that still bothers me is that neither of them even tried to fight me. Neither of them even tried to get in touch with me after I have been taken from them. It still hurts that they never asked for me, though."
"So, this is your solution to numb the pain, getting royally drunk?"
Skye laughs, she really laughs. "To be honest, I get wasted only once in a year."
"And today is that day."
She makes big eyes and points at me. "Yes." She's silent for a couple of minutes and sighs. "I hate it, though. I hate to be drunk because I know very well what alcohol can do to people, but today I need it." She takes some time and I nod. "You and Maura are still together, aren't you?"
I sigh heavy and furrow my brows. "Maura and I called it a quit -"
"You aren't a couple anymore." Skye almost shouts and some heads turn to us.
I lean forward and chuckle. "But we're figuring things out right now."
She looks long at me and makes a dramatic gesture. "You two have to be together or I am traumatized once and for all."
I laugh out loud before we clink our bottles. "Thank you."
Skye smirks but shrugs. "I mean it, Jane. I am wishing the best for you, And Maura's the best."
I hesitate because that this girl is right but then I rise my bottle. "We're not here because of me!"
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I carefully snuggle up behind Maura in bed and wrap my arms around her inhaling her scent and feeling bad the moment she stirs.
Maura turns her head a little but doesn't open her eyes. "Hi."
She isn't mad at me and relief washes over me, I kiss her neck gently. "Hey." Maura doesn't turn to me but she's asking, "Skye's staying in our guest room, isn't she?"
I'm nodding against the back of her head. "She is." I hear Maura hum and she's pulling me closer. My eyes are still open and my head is clear.
Maura is silent for a moment like she's pondering if I am drunk or not. "How is she?"
"She's still grieving, maybe even blaming herself for surviving. Skye asked me if this feeling is getting any better."
"What did you say?"
"That I hope so." I answer honestly and kiss the skin of Maura's shoulder. My heart drops because I feel her stiffening under my touch and consider to take some distance again, but I don't. Instead I whisper to her. "I love you."
I feel her relax again. Perhaps that's because I don't start to force myself on her. "I love you too, Jane."
I nestle my nose in the crook of her neck and close my eyes when I feel her thumb caressing my arm. God, it feels like we haven't been together like this for ages. Yeah, sure, we are laying in this bed together like we once used to but somehow it doesn't feel the same ever since O'Keefe came into our lives and almost ruined it. Tonight, it feels more than right to hold Maura in my arms, it feels … I hardly can describe the feeling right now. It feels like we are almost back to our old selves. The ones we used to be two years ago, the ones who barely could keep their hands off each other, the ones who almost died when we couldn't see each other for a day or two. The ones who used to sit on the couch after a long day, planning our future together. The ones who told each other that we can't imagine a live without the other, that we want to grow old together, that we want to … "Marry me." My eyes shoot open the second those words leave my mouth and I curse myself because Maura's body goes rigid again and because I have absolutely no idea where this is coming from.
She doesn't move and I'm not sure if she's even breathing. "What?" She finally whispers back.
"Marry me," I repeat and clench my jaw. Can somebody make me shut up? That's not what I wanted to say. I wanted to take the words back, I wanted to apologize to her for them, I wanted to tell Maura that I don't know where this is coming from all of a sudden.
Hell, that's not how I was planning to propose to Maura, I liked the idea of Nina. Sure, Maura would have been blindsided but it wouldn't be as awkward as it is right now.
Maura takes a deep breath and turns on her back, staring up to the ceiling. "Jane, you are drunk."
I lean up on my elbow and shake my head, placing unintentionally my left hand on her belly. "I promise you I am not, Maura." I reply and am surprised how much hurt is mixed in my voice. "I had two beers all night." I pause and furrow my brows. "Maura, please look at me." I swallow hard because she doesn't comply immediately but when she does I shake my head once more. "I promise you that I am not drunk, and I don't know where this is coming from right now, but I do know that you are the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. We already hit the rocks and we already hit the peak, together. And look at us, Maura. Here we are, still together. You know that I would go through hell and high water for you, and I know so would you for me." I take a deep breath and smile for a second. "And no matter what else life has on hand for us, I know that we can get through it together. So, Maura Isles, will you marry me?"
So, there it is. My proposal. Either she says yes, that she needs time to think about it or she's throwing me out of the bed and bedroom and tells me to go to hell and never coming back. I fear the last possibility the most.
My heart is hammering violently against my chest, I really can't tell what she is thinking right now. Her face is stoic but I can see the thousands of emotions in her eyes but can' name either of them. Shit I really messed things up this time. I close my eyes but they shoot open the second I am pushed on my back and then Maura's straddling my lap. I put my hands on her thighs but frown because I can't make out the meaning of this. I don't move my hands, though, I won't make things any weirder than they are already. I really have to force them in place when she leans forward and kisses me gently. "I take that as a yes." I state when she pulls away again.
"No." Maura replies and I furl my brows.
"No?"
"Yes."
"I'm confused."
"I mean -"
"You know how this is working, right," I ask before she can finish her sentence and chuckle when she's hitting my shoulder.
Maura's smiling broadly at me and nods. "I do know how this works, yes."
I nod as well and wait patiently, for a second. "Well?"
She shrugs dramatically with a glint of humor in her eyes. "You know -"
"Maura!" I whine and want to sit up but I'm pushed back into the mattress.
She's hovering over me and her smile grows huge. "Yes," Maura says and lowers her head. "I will marry you, Jane."
My heart stops for a second before it goes back to work and I lift my head to meet her lips before my mouth is able to ask her if she's really sure about it, and finally I allow my hands to wander up to her back.
