Chapter 7

So, my laptop does this thing where it just decides to turn off and not turn back on for days, I don't know why, it's very annoying and it meant I couldn't write anything. Anyway I hope this chapter is alright. I realised as I was writing this chapter that the story progression is still quite slow, I apologise if you're getting bored, please let me know whether you want me to pick up the pace and get on with the development of the storyline, I won't be at all offended.

*EDIT*

Same chapter with a few changes made. I'm an idiot and didn't consider how ridiculously long my chapters were, I know myself how difficult it can be to read such long chapters and stay focused on the story so I've done a quick edit to split up some of the chapters into smaller pieces.

They might still be a bit long but it's the best i've managed to do on this one, I will take the chapter length into consideration for the next chapters. Thank you to the reviewer who brought this to my attention, I really appreciate the constructive reviews, anything that helps me write better and easier to read stories.

Alicia sat on the floor of her kitchen, staring ahead, her eyes glassy and distant. She felt numb. Maybe it was shock, after all, the events of the last day had been a lot to take for anybody. Being a doctor, she knew the signs of shock. She knew that it could be incredibly dangerous, not only mentally but physically too.

However, in this moment she could not bring herself to care. She just wanted everything to stop. She would give anything to just disappear, to leave and never come back, even to stop existing completely. These were dangerous thoughts, they should shock her, worry her, but they didn't. She was most definitely, absolutely and completely numb.

She was aware of the presence of her senior colleague, hovering nearby after having removed herself from her side to pace the kitchen floor in obvious thought and concern. She was sure that she was being watched by the older woman, who was more than likely extremely concerned about her, but she couldn't acknowledge it.

If she even attempted to pull herself out of her own little world she was sure she would collapse in on herself, fall over the edge of sanity, drown in her own mind that was now filled with images and thoughts of such darkness that any stable minded person would cringe at in horror.

She needed to be with herself right now, but at the same time that was the very thing she knew would destroy her. She couldn't win, and it was too much to take, so she simply did nothing. If she did nothing, then nothing could hurt her. No one could hurt her. She needed this, she needed to allow herself to be numb.

And so she did. Elle was not there, no one was there, it was just her, all alone with nothing there to hurt her. Of course, Elle had never given her reason to believe that she would hurt her before, but neither did Eddie before that night. People were dangerous, no one could be trusted.

Any brief flicker of hope upon seeing Elle standing in the doorway of her kitchen just half an hour ago was gone now. She had allowed herself to believe that she could be saved from this personal hell, that Elle would provide her with comfort that would bring her back from the brink, the darkness, and she was kicking herself for it. Yes, Elle was her friend, a close friend, and Alicia had no doubt that in any other circumstance Elles presence would offer her comfort and sanctity, but it would not save her.

She found herself chastising herself, how could she believe that anyone could help her now. Words, sympathetic glances, strong warm arms around her, none of that could do anything to disperse the thoughts and images that now encompassed her, filled her head and made her yearn for eternal nothingness.

Everything was blurry, nothing was clear cut anymore. Shapes could be made out, movements caught in the corner of her vision, but it was all out of focus. It could have been the tears that seemed like a now permanent fixture in her eyes, but maybe this was just how it would be now. Nothing outside of herself mattered, so what was the point in being able to see it in all its detail?

Movement. One of the few things she could identify now. Movement, right next to her. A shape, seeming to loom over her until slowly, almost carefully, it became smaller, less daunting. And now touch. Her arm felt cold under the hand that had been placed there, she could feel no warmth from the touch. Muffled noise, a voice that she could barely make out. If she was honest, she was not even trying to listen to what was being said to her, she was completely impassive.

In this moment, all she wanted was to be left alone. As terrifying as alone was, the presence of another person was more so.

'Leave'. It was short and simple, all she could manage. Anything more and she would have broken. It needed to be said, she needed to be alone. More muffled noises, one short burst of noise at first, then a pause, then more. It was soft, gentle, that she could tell. There was no anger, no aggression behind the noise but it was unwelcome all the same.

As the muffled noises continued, seemingly lasting for an eternity, Alicias nerves began to temper. Her fingers curled into the skin on her knees where they had been resting, almost limp beforehand, short but still surprisingly sharp nails pressed harder and harder into the flesh, drawing blood. Her muscles tensed, jaw clenched. Any pain that she might have been in in this moment was outweighed by the numbness that had flooded her body, there was no pain.

Anger. She felt anger. But she felt numb at the same time. Was that even possible? Nothing was making sense, her emotions were uncontrollable, volatile and she wasn't sure what she would do next. All she knew was that she needed to be alone when the string that held all of her pent up emotions, anger, sadness, hopelessness, but mostly anger, snapped.

'Leave. Leave. Leave. LEAVE. LEAVE. LEAVE!' She burst out, eyes screwed shut. She was losing any kind of grip she had on herself, the numbness was still present but was slowly being overwhelmed by anger. She was desperate, not thinking straight, uncaring of what this outburst would mean in terms of her friendship with Elle but not bothered really. She was unstable, unhinged, possibly even going insane and she knew that was what Elle would think anyway, so why try to delay the inevitable.

Then it struck her. Silence. There were no muffled noises, no movements. Everything was still.

Elle was gone.

Opening her eyes, she found that her vision had cleared slightly. It was still blurry, she still felt completely out of control and unable to entirely concentrate on her surroundings, but she was able to make out her kitchen and the lack of Elles presence in the room. She had left. Of course she had, who would stay after an outburst like that. Alicia was surprised Elle had not called an ambulance, had them haul her off the the psych ward, but she supposed that she did not care enough to put herself through the effort of helping Alicia.

She didn't want the help, but somehow in the back of her mind she thought that Elle would put up more of a fight. How completely stupid of her. Why should anyone care about her, she was a mess. Totally alone, something she thought she wanted at least in part, but now she realised just how alone she actually was. What was wrong with her? One minute all she could think about was getting Elle to leave, and now, she felt more alone than ever. More unwanted than ever.

Her emotions were fluctuating at an alarming rate, trying to suppress and control them was clearly not working. Her chest burned and she almost felt a bubbling sensation as her vision clouded to an alarming degree once again. Standing quickly, feeling the blood rush to her head as she did so, she couldn't hold anything in anymore.

Letting out an almost scary scream, she swiped her arm aggressively across the counter behind her, clearing the contents of the counter onto the floor in seconds. Noises were no longer suppressed and muffled. The crash of breaking glass as the various plates and wine glasses she had neglected to wash hit the floor bit through her consciousness like ice, piercing her ears like knives.

Taking a second to breathe heavily and revel in the noise and destruction she had just created, she allowed herself to feel something she didn't realise she had been longing for. Release. It surprised her how satisfying the noises of crashing class and breaking plates felt, how amazing it had made her feel to witness, even cause, the destruction of something that wasn't herself, her mind.

With that thought, she screamed once more, releasing a sudden on slaughter of anger, and picked up a wine bottle that was resting on a shelf above her head. With a surge of rage, she threw it against the wall, watching it shatter and spill blood red liquid. It was glorious, she felt amazing. And so she continued, destroying everything within her sight, doing anything to feel something, anything.

Elle POV

'Who did this to you Alicia?'

She had received no response to her question. She watched as Alicias eyes glassed over, her body went limp and her arms wrapped around her knees. Elle sat there silent, her arms still tightly wrapped around Alicias now still frame, trying to offer any form of comfort that she could. They sat like that for at least ten minutes, she wasn't sure, time seemed to be moving so slowly.

After ten minutes of carefully observing the young woman who had completely closed off, seemingly lost to reality, Elle released her hold and stood up. Her anxiety levels were through the roof and she had a sudden need to move, to work off all of the stress and energy that had been building up over the last ten minutes. Beginning to pace, her mind was racing.

What had happened before she had walked through that doorway and come across the startling scene. Before Alicia had fallen to the floor, clearly distraught over something Elle had no idea about. Obviously there was something going on, but with Alicia in this state she was going to get nowhere.

Every so often, she would glance down at the beaten and broken woman curled into herself on the floor. She was a mess, and she meant that in the most compassionate way. Her eyes were red and teary, the tears that were now cascading slowly down her cheeks continuing to mix with the now drying blood that had come from her nose and a nasty looking cut on her chin. How had this happened? The house had been empty when she had arrived, had Alicia done this to herself? Had she fallen? Was there something else going on?

Thinking back, Elle tried desperately to remember any details that might point to what might have caused Alicia to end up in this state. Small details. Objects out of place. Noises. Noises … ceasing her pacing, Elle thought back to those few brief seconds before she rounded the doorway and came across the distressing sight.

A door. She heard a door shut, slam even. How had she not realised this, realised that is was a significant detail in uncovering the truth of the nights events. Someone had been in the house, of course they had, there was no way Alicia had done this to herself.

Deliberating on her next move for a few seconds, she made up her mind. She had to get Alicia to talk. Approaching the young woman slowly, she came up next to her, looking down on the beaten down doctor. Deciding this might cause undue stress to Alicia, she took a more passive and gentle position, slowly and deliberately crouching down at her side. Contact, she needed to make contact with her, make her realise she had someone there with her and that she wasn't alone, but she had to do this carefully.

Reaching out a hand, she cautiously placed it on the woman arm, hoping she would get some kind of reaction from her, some indication that she was still in there. She was disappointed with the reaction however, only receiving a small flinch. She wasn't even sure Alicia was aware of her reactions, she looked so lost.

'Alicia, please look at me sweetheart'. Her voice was a whisper. She was doing everything she could to keep the young woman as calm as possible, but was doubtful as to whether her soft tone would even break the barrier between Alicia and the state that she had immersed herself in.

It didn't. Her words did not even evoke a physical response, let alone a verbal one. She was almost comatose, and it scared her. She let the silence between them linger before she tried again, this time opting to continue talking in the hopes that Alicia could still heard her.

'Alicia darling, I can't help you unless you talk to me. What happened? How did you hurt your face? Alicia, if there was someone in the house with you, if they … if they hurt you, you need to tell me… '. Silence. 'Please Alicia, I just want to help -'

'Leave'. Elle paused. She was relieved to hear Alicia speak, having feared she had become so overwhelmed it had impacted her mental state, however she had hoped she would open up to her as opposed to turning her away.

'Alicia, you have to listen to me okay. I know something has happened but I am here to help, you need to let me help'. Elle was becoming desperate. She did not want to leave her in this state, but it seemed as if nothing she was saying was getting through. 'Sweetheart I don't think you should be on your own right now, I need you to talk to me so we can sort this all out together, everything is going to be okay you just have to let me hel-'.

'Leave. Leave. Leave LEAVE. LEAVE. LEAVE!'. Elle was startled by the outburst, briefly losing her footing having been crouching on her toes. Regaining her balance, she removed her hand from Alicias arm, taking in the state that the woman was in. Despite the first display of genuine emotion she had seen from the woman since arriving, her face was still set in an unreadable expression, her eyes still glassy and distant.

However, Elle could see the anger in the young woman, anger that she was obviously struggling to contain. She didn't know what to do. She felt as though she should stay. She was so close to breaking through the walls Alicia had built up around herself, but she knew from experience that forcing emotion out of someone who clearly did not want to express that emotion was detrimental to their mental health. She was at a cross road, and she knew she had to tread carefully.

Deciding that Alicia was already fragile enough, she resigned herself to the fact that she might just have to give her some space. She was not an expert on mental health, she did not know what to do right now, so she had to go with her gut. Sh didn't want to leave the woman, but she also did not want to push the matter if it was not something Alicia wanted to do. She would not let the matter go completely, but for now it would just have to wait.

With that, she stood up, glancing sadly one last time at her broken colleague before making her way out of the house. One her way out, she quickly pocketed the house key that was left on a small table by the front door. Leaving Alicia alone was risky, and not a decision she was all too confident in, so having a key to the house eased her mind. She wasn't going to let Alicia go through whatever she was going through alone, that was for sure, she was just giving her some space.

Her doubts about her decision to leave the vulnerable young woman grew as she arrived home. Feeling completely lost and extremely concerned, she did the only thing she could think of in that moment, hoping it would ease her mind. Pulling her phone from her pocket, she shakily entered a mobile number and raised the phone to her ear, feeling her anxiety subside slightly as she listened the dial tone.

'Elle, to what do I owe the pleasure?' A voice on the other end answered.

Elle sighed, feeling older than her years. She was relieved he had picked up, if anyone had any helpful advice to give her regarding Alicias evidently vulnerable mental state, it was him.

Alicia POV

Alicia stood in the middle of her living room, breathing heavily and feeling more exhausted than she had ever felt before. Even triple shifts in the E.D could not compare the the exhaustion she felt right now, standing amongst broken glass, torn sheets from old medical books, torn sofa cushions and a thoroughly smashed glass coffee table.

She had really done a number on her living room, the kitchen didn't fare much better. After she had destroyed everything she could get her hands on in the kitchen, she had moved on to other rooms in her house, desperate to destroy everything.

It made her feel better, but it was more than that. She wanted it to match. She wanted everything she owned, everything she loved, to match the way she felt. She was broken, abused and discarded. Now, after being unable to find one single intact object to destroy, she felt like she belonged in this house again.

Amongst the destruction, the piles of broken and now useless objects she once loved. Just like she had once loved herself. Well, maybe that was an exaggeration, after all, nobody completely loves themselves, but she liked herself. She was happy with herself. Content. Eyes roaming around the room, they landed on the coffee table that now lay destroyed in the middle of the carpet.

As strange as it sounded, she was this coffee table. It was a nice coffee table. Beautiful actually. She remembered the day she moved in, flicking through catalogues happily in a bid to find furniture to fill her new home with. She had found this coffee table and knew immediately it was the one for her. The ornate metal legs twisted in beautiful symmetry to one another, supporting a crystal clear glass top adorned with flecks of glitter.

It might have been obnoxious to some, over the top maybe, but to her it was perfect. She liked it. As well as being quite pretty, it was useful. It was brand new, sparkly. Just like she was before.

Now however, it was broken, smashed to pieces, no hope of it ever being put back together. Even if it could be put back together, it would never look the same. She would never be able to see the beautiful specks of glitter through the cracks that would always remain in the glass. She would never be able to look at the table without being reminded of this night. It would always be with her. She was this coffee table. Broken beyond repair, no hope of ever being the same again.

So, what was the point in trying to put it back together. It would always be broken, just as she would. Slumping down into the floor, she let her exhaustion overcome her. She was giving up. This was her giving up. She was letting her situation drown her. Submerged in the horrible memories of that night and the awful sense of failure in herself, she let her eyes drift close as she lay on the floor, glass underneath her and surrounding her.

She belonged here, she thought, amongst the wreckage that resembled her life. She blended almost seamlessly with the destruction she had created. Funny, how the cracks that Eddie had made in her had escalated to full blown breaks at her own hand.

He had broken her, and he would continue to do so. She wasn't strong enough to fight back, she knew it was only a matter of time before he wore her down completely, alienating her from her colleagues and friends. He had taken everything from her, but she wouldn't let him have the satisfaction of humiliating her in front of the entire E.D staff. She couldn't stay, couldn't fight him. He was likeable, charming. It seemed everyone, including her, had fallen for his nice guy persona, oblivious to the disgusting monster that lay underneath.

The likelihood of anyone taking her side on this was minute, she knew that, so in her mind there was only one thing she could do. She couldn't take the pressure, the torment or seeing him everyday, wondering when he was going to strike again, when he was going to humiliate her further and destroy her relationships with those around her.

She needed to leave. She loved the E.D, but it wasn't the same anymore. Her mind was made up, she was going to see Ms. Beauchamp tomorrow to resign, with immediate effect. The thought, although heartbreaking, was enough to ease her mind, albeit only briefly. She would never have to see him, or anyone should she choose, after tomorrow. She was done, and now all she wanted was to forget.

Just as her eyes were about to close, she caught a glimpse of red. Struggling to open her eyes slightly in order to examine the source of the vibrant splash of colour in the dark room, she caught sight of a gash that crossed her arm.

Through her hazy, exhausted mind, she realised that in her fit of rage and desperation to destroy everything in her possession, she had cut her arm, quite deeply if her medical expertise was anything to rely on. The blood was pooling underneath her arm, not at a fast enough pace to cause alarm, but steady enough to warrant concern in any clear minded person. She wasn't of a clear mind though. She couldn't bring herself to care, a feeling she had become accustomed to over the course of recent events.

She didn't care. She just wanted to sleep, and so she did. Putting all thoughts of her current physical and mental state out of her mind, she drifted into an exhaustion and nightmare riddled sleep.

Rays of light shone through the curtains, illuminating the vast amount of damage done the previous night. Curled up on the floor, surrounded by glass and in a dried puddle of dried, dark red blood Alicia began to stir, blinking her eyes as a ray of sun directed right at her eyes caused her head to flare in pain.

She clutched her head, pushing herself up into a sitting position with one hand while clutching her aching head with the other. Just as she had managed to sit upright, her arm flared painfully causing her to gasp in pain. Why was she in so much pain?

Just as that thought crossed her mind, she cast her gaze down to her arm, investigating the source of the pain. As soon as she looked down, first seeing the vast amounts of dried blood on her white carpet and then the long, deep gash on her arm she remembered the events of the previous night. Blood loss. That was why her herd was in bits then.

Sighing and massaging her still aching head she pulled her arm into her torso and stood shakily, her head spinning as she battled to gain her balance. She did not feel good at all, but she supposed she had better get used to it. She didn't feel like she was ever going to feel good again.

Still recalling memories from last night, she made her way through the destroyed house. To the bathroom where she kept her first aid kit. It was no where near as advanced as the one in the staff room at work, but it would do.

Work. It wasn't work anymore, at least not for long. She might have been in a funny state of mind last night, but she was sticking by her sleep addled and semi-conscious decision. She wasn't going back, not long term anyway. Not even for another day if she could help it. Of course, she needed to go and hand in her resignation letter, but that was it. She hoped she could just drop it off with Noel and leave, in and out in the space of a minute or so.

She didn't want to talk to anyone, she didn't want to see anyone, she just wanted to be on her own. Her own company was terrifying, but it was predictable. She knew what she was going to do, she didn't have to wait in fear of being ambushed.

She slipped the first aid kit out from the cupboard under the sink and sat on the edge of the bath. Although she didn't particularly care about fixing the wound on her arm, she knew she needed to do something about it. The slightest movements were causing blood to bubble to the surface quite rapidly, to the point where there was now a bright red streak running down to the crook of her elbow as she help it up to her body.

If she was going to going to the E.D, she couldn't have blood soaking through her clothes. Any attention she received was bad attention, she wanted to be left alone and she wasn't going to do anything to risk that.

A bandage would do. No need to faff about with gauze and alcohol wipes. An infection was the least of her concerns and like she had been telling herself a lot recently, she just didn't care. Her expression remained flat, emotionless, while she went about removing the dried blood from her arm and wrapping the bandage around it.

Finishing that task, she went to the mirror, intent on trying to look as normal as possible before leaving the house. The sight that greeted her was a bit of a shock, but not enough to rouse any kind of strong emotions from her.

Peering cautiously at her reflection, she noted even more dried blood on her face. Must have been from when she fell yesterday, she had been so out of it she hadn't bothered to clean herself up. Taking a piece of toilet roll and running it under the tap, she began wiping at the blood.

It didn't take long to clean it all from her face, and once she had she sighed exasperatedly. The blood had been caked on her face, disguising a large purple bruise that had formed on her chin. That was going to be much harder to disguise. Then again, what was the point? Would any of them actually care? Probably not. Elle had seen all of this in person last night, but had she stayed to help? No. She hadn't. Yes, Alicia had practically run her out the door, but she thought that Elle as one of her closest friends would have put up more of a fight.

'Can't rely on anyone. Only myself'. It was a whisper, but it was telling of her current physical condition.

Her voice was dry, cracked. She hadn't spoken a word since her screaming episode last night, and it had taken it's toll. God, she was a mess.

Opting to forego makeup to cover the bruise, she decided that her appearance was now acceptable. Her hair was still knotted and tangled, the bruises and cuts on her face prominent against her suddenly sheet white complexion and her eyes puffy, but at least she was no longer covered in blood. This was as much effort as she was going to make, she didn't feel the need to look presentable. What did appearances matter in the grand scheme of things anyway.

It was three o'clock in the afternoon before Alicia was finally ready to leave the house. She had woken late, must have been sometime around twelve, and spent the rest of the after having cleaned herself up changing her clothes which now had patches of dry blood coating one side of her body, and typing out a letter of resignation.

No real effort was needed to write the resignation letter, it was simple really. She 'wasn't feeling fulfilled' and 'needed to expand her portfolio' and all that crap. It was the typical nonsense that people put in these kinds of things. She obviously wasn't going to tell the truth about why she had decided to leave Holby E.D, and it turned out that making up a story was much easier than telling the truth anyway.

Shoving the letter into her coat pocket carelessly, not caring whether it creased, she left the house and made her way to the E.D, preparing herself for what might come.

I wanted to get a chapter up before the episode tonight so sorry it ends in a bit of a weird place. I will update soon. Let me know what you think, good, bad, everything is good I don't mind criticisms or recommendations.