Chapter 5. Neelix

Well, one last goodbye to say, and then ... I'll be ready to leave Voyager.

When I commed, Samantha asked if I would mind coming to their quarters, instead of meeting in the transporter room. She said that she still wasn't getting out much yet. I hadn't really noticed, in all the excitement with the colony of Talaxians, and I'm more than a little ashamed to admit that. Of course, I could understand why she might not feel up to attending my farewell ceremony. It was just too soon after losing Joe.

I remind myself that I'm here as Sam's friend and not as morale officer, take a deep breath, and ring her door chime.

"Ah, Samantha!" I exclaim when the door opens. "How are you, my dear?"

She gives me her usual kind smile, but the dark circles under her reddened eyes tell another story. Her face looks thinner, and I can see that she's lost weight since the memorial service. I wish I had thought to bring her something from the mess hall.

We are sitting on her couch with tea when she says, in a soft voice, "Neelix. Do you remember, when Naomi was a baby, how you would help me get her down for her nap? And then we'd sit here on the couch and talk about all the latest ship's gossip?"

"Well, of course, Samantha - how could I ever forget that? In fact, did I ever tell you that our little chats on your couch were what gave me the idea for 'A Briefing with Neelix?'"

She tilts her head in puzzlement.

"Yes, it's true! Remember, you got so tired towards the end of your pregnancy, and you kept working so hard - why, you hardly had time to come to the mess hall some days! To be honest, I worried that you were getting a little isolated. So I took to dropping by now and then. And then I realized that there must be others on the ship who would also appreciate hearing my take on what was happening on Voyager. And the rest, as they say, is history!"

Listening to me, she has placed her hand on her stomach, as if recalling the long months she waited for Naomi's arrival. There's a wistful expression on her face as she says, "You're right, Neelix. I did get isolated then. It was even worse after Naomi was born, for a while. You were always so good about checking up on us, though."

"Well, you know me. I am happiest when I feel needed." She smiles at that. I go on, with a more serious voice. "I do hope you understand what it meant to me, when you made me Naomi's godfather. You know, the farther we got from Talax, the more certain it seemed that I would end up the only Talaxian anywhere I went. Especially after Kes left … well. You two felt like my only family, I suppose. There were times, you know, when Naomi was what kept me going."

She knows; she remembers. As her eyes fill with tears, she says in a thick voice, "Yes, I know, Neelix. She's all that is keeping me going now, I think."

Oh dear, I hadn't meant to make her cry, or remind her of her recent loss. But there are things that must be said, I think, while we have the chance. I pat her hand and take a deep breath.

"Samantha, it was always - always - the greatest joy and privilege to be such an important part of Naomi's life. I know there were times when you and I didn't quite see eye to eye about what she needed or how best to care for her." She is shaking her head, her hands over her mouth. "No, it's true. I didn't always know just when to step back and when to offer my help. I'm sure that sometimes you felt I was interfering, and I was and still am truly sorry for each and every one of those times."

"Neelix - please … You have nothing to apologize for." I hand her a handkerchief; she is weeping openly now. "I - I don't know - how I would have managed without you, those first years. I don't think I ever told you -" and then she is too overcome to speak for a while.

I apply another handkerchief to my own damp face, and my voice is a bit more husky when I say, "Never fear, Samantha. You didn't need to."

We sit in unaccustomed silence for a minute, each of us regaining our composure, then exchange wan smiles. I do not need to tell her that Naomi has outgrown her Uncle Neelix for the most part. Instead, I just say, "Naomi is so very grown up now, isn't she?" and Sam nods at me, sadly, still smiling.

I smile through my own wistful ache as I tell her, "Take good care of yourself, Samantha, and of Naomi, and please - stay in touch. This old friend is going to miss you, more than I can say."

As I return to my quarters, I think about what I did not say, what I never would have said to Samantha Wildman. That at one time I would have welcomed the chance to be more than Uncle Neelix to her dear little family. That she was one of the kindest, most welcoming and loving people on this ship, and that I couldn't have helped falling just a tiny bit in love with her, after Kes. But Sam had found Joe, and I never would have dreamed of trying to come between them.

I might be a fool to have felt this way, and I'm sure I am a coward never to have told her. But I know she deserves better. This is surely for the best. The crew will take care of her, and now I can go and take care of my own … who truly do need me.

I pick up my satchel, take one last look around at the quarters that have been my home these past seven years, and turn towards the doors.