HER

There is so much history in the way he looks at her. In the way he says her name. When they are together, there is a current that runs between them; like an electric charge on the verge of erupting into a perfect storm.

I don't love her anymore, he says.

And it is the way he says the word her — that tells me otherwise.

-Lang Leav

CHAPTER 2

Just before Admiral Janeway boards the shuttle to confront the Borg Queen…

When would she seek him out? She had been avoiding talking with him so well that he was a little taken aback. What kind of a future did she come from that she could not meet his eyes? That talking to him seemed to be a cause of physical discomfort to her? He could not understand how things had gotten so wrong between them. How is it possible that between New Earth and her reality she could not bear to be close to him?

These questions burn Chakotay. They run around in his head like a never-ending circle, a merry go round that doesn't show any sign of slowing down. His quarters were quite, he was trying to meditate but wasn't having much luck, and he was supposed to catch up with Seven in an hour, but something was keeping him here. He gets off the floor where he had been sitting with his bundle and stalks restlessly to the window where the stars are streaking past in never-ending ribbons of light.

Space has always drawn him. Nothing could take away the wonder of exploring new places, having the opportunity to meet new species with cultures and worlds so diverse and awe-inspiring that he still manages to catch his breath at times. And exploring these places, with this crew, with this Captain, with Kathryn, has been the best and worst of times. A small smile pulls his dimples out of hiding, and his reflection in the window responds accordingly.

His eyes turn pensive, and he stands at parade rest, contemplating the last seven years. It's been some time since he has had the time to slow down enough to let his mind roam free. Images of the places, and the people that he has had the fortune of sharing the last 7 years with, flickers across his internal landscape. The faces of those they had lost, of the losses and sacrifices they endured and through it all the backbone that is Kathryn, spikes through it all. Her stubborn, deuterium plated determination to get them home, her drive, her strength, and the beauty of her soul.

They have been drifting apart lately.

He sighs, dips his head forward and runs a hand through his hair, making the neat hair stand slightly on end. The sound of the door chime clatters through the silence in his quarters, disturbing internal waters that where muddy to begin with.

"Come."

The hiss of the door as it slides open alerts him that he had a visitor, but he maintains his stance looking out the window. The reflection in the glass already betrayed her identity. The white from her hair reflects clearly in the pane, the silver blending with the platinum streaks outside.

"I was wondering when you would get around to me." He says as he hears her walking to join him at the window. She remains silent, coming to stand next to him in a similar stance, hands lightly clasped behind her back, feet spread slightly. She faced the stars, and a strange look passes over her face.

"This feels different than I thought it would." her voice sounds the same… but somehow more gravelly. Its as if the years and her added experiences had roughed her voice like sandpaper that smoothed the words into his ears. He loved the sound of her voice, always had. It dipped and grit over his mind, and he closed his eyes, cocking his head slightly to listen to the way it polished the words and made them sound so unbearably beautiful, no matter what she said.

He turns his head towards her and finds her staring at him. And for the first time since she stepped off the transporter their eyes met and held. She does nothing to avoid his eyes, just looks at him. She is still achingly beautiful. Back still straight, hair white grey but still the woman he was once in love with. But her eyes are different. They reflect a feeling of sorrow that his Kathryn had not experienced yet.

This woman in front of him has suffered.

And she was still in pain.

Even if she looked like Kathryn, she was not. She was not the woman sitting next to him on the bridge. There were similarities, but they were not the same person. Maybe one day, but not yet.

"How are you Chakotay?" Her questions startle a laugh out of him in its everydayness and smooth away the slight frown that was forming on his forehead. Her eyes crease at the corners when she hears the sound, her lips faintly tilting upwards in that all too familiar lopsided smile of hers. It looks rusty like she has not smiled like that in a very long time. He grins at her, and his dimples come out to play. Her quick inhale goes by almost unnoticed, but her eyes spark and flicker to his mouth and then back to his eyes, and up to his tattoo. Mapping his face quickly and without hesitation, no concern about being caught looking at him this intently.

"I miss you." The words spring unbidden to his lips and tumble over his lips before he has a thought to stop them. Her eyes turn to liquid blue pools, and before he thinks about it twice, he pulls her to him and surrounds her with his arms. "I miss you Kathryn, more than I thought was possible with you so close by. I miss you, and it doesn't make sense." The words fall over themselves in their haste to be said. Words that he would never think of professing to his Kathryn, fall over themselves like tumbleweeds to be spoken to this women. He can't explain it, he doesn't know why, but deep down where it matters, he knows that this is important. More important than anything he has ever done. He knows that this matters to her, that she NEEDS to hear this.

This moment, right now, matters. His bones vibrate with the knowledge. He sees the future in her eyes, and it scares him more than anything he has ever felt.

"What happened to you?" He asks because he is too hesitant to ask the other more obvious question. The question that sits at the tip of his tongue being held back by the tight clench of his teeth. What happened to us? Her head fits under his chin, and she inhales deeply, a shudder passes through her, and for a moment he isn't sure if she is crying, but then she wraps her arms around him. So tight, that he wonders if she will ever let go. She lifts her head and silver strands fall back from her face, revealing her eyes that speak more to him than her mouth ever will.

"I lost the one thing that was more important to me than getting home. And I didn't figure it out until it was too late." Her eyes dipped to his mouth again, slowly met his again before she lifts her hand and gently placed it on his cheek before pushing it into his hair. He freezes in place and watches in fascination the reverence that plays across her face. Her fingers slide through his hair to the nape of his neck to apply gentle pressure to dip his head towards hers.

Chakotay swallowed heavily. He closed his eyes and pushed anything else but the feeling of her out of his head and when her lips meet his, it is gentle. She gently kisses him, with so much tender love that he feels the lump forming in his throat. After a mere moment, she pulls back, looks at him and says something that he never thought he would ever hear her speak.

"I love you. I love you, more than anything or anyone since before or after you. I needed to tell you that. Because I never did when I should have with my Chakotay….and I lost him." Her whisper is harsh and painful. Her eyes are filled to the brim with tears, and one slowly escapes onto her cheek. "Please Chakotay. Please." Her voice tears at him, and it hurts listening to her because he has never heard Kathryn beg. In seven years, no matter how bad it got, he has never heard her plead. He wanted to stop this, it wasn't right, and he opens his mouth, but she silences him by putting her fingers on his lips.

"I can't ask you to love me. I can't ask that of you if you already love another…but if there is even a chance that you love me, no matter how slim. Then I beg you. Please, please do not give up on me." Her eyes and face plead with him, raw and honest.

He looks down at the woman in his arms for a long time. And she waits, patiently, silently while what she said plays havoc with his heart and with his head. It rips the scab off a wound that has never really healed, allowing it to bleed fresh and painfully. Finally, after what feels like an eternity later, she lifts her fingers from his mouth, tips herself up on her toes, gently kisses him softly, once, twice before she lets go slowly. She steps back, takes one last long look at him and walks to the door. She hesitates with her hand over the sensor, turns back to him where he is standing frozen by the viewport, and says the last words that Admiral Kathryn Janeway will ever speak to him.

"I will give you the time that I should have given you when I was out here. This is my gift to you. What you do with it, is your future to make, and whomever you share it with is for you to decide. But Chakotay…." and she looks him straight in the eye, sure, determined. "know that I..." a slight hesitation, pain vivid in her eyes, "Know that SHE loves you, and I swear she will make you happy." And with those parting words in his ears, she activates the door and walks out without glancing back.