A small consolation

Everything that we once were,

Is now sad and lonely verse

When once I had so much to say,

I am now bereft of words.

Sometimes it is the order of things,

That makes them seem much worse.

It's not as if you would have stayed,

If I hadn't left you first.

-LANG LEAV

CHAPTER 4

Tom had gone looking for the Captain and Chakotay after Admiral Patterson had expressed a desire to meet the command duo while they were talking to Owen Paris. The night was utterly ridiculous. The amount of smoke being blown up the proverbial hole, was enough to make her gag. Her eyes tracked Tom as he does his usual zigzag between the crew looking for the command duo, catching up with fellow crew members along the way. He laughs at something Harry throws his way, and it makes her smile to see him so lighthearted, watching the quick response that Toms comes back with that makes Harry's jaw drop before he puts his head back and bursts out laughing. Kahless but it was good to see them laugh. A small laugh escapes her own mouth because of their antics, and Owen smiles down at her from where he is standing by her side listening to Patterson droning on about something. B'lanna meets his eyes briefly before dipping her head and appearing to be listening intently to whatever the pompous ass in front of her is dribbling on about. The man was insufferable.

Her gaze skitters back towards Tom from beneath her lashes. Her heart gives a little leap looking at him in his old-fashioned tux. Boy did flyboy clean up well. Her mouth waters just a little bit as she took him in. Happiness seemed like such an inadequate word to describe her feelings for him. He made her happy just by looking at him, he made her whole only by being him, and his love for her and Miral made the universe a place to treasure. She closed her eyes briefly and thinks of their time together. The memories skip behind her eyes like pebbles over water and skim a smile across her lips before she opens her eyes to find the man that makes her grateful to feel the conflicting emotions he inspires.

His ability to inspire violence in her regularly but at the same time wanting to love him to pieces, reminds her daily of her dual nature. Klingons do not do sap. And what she feels for this man, is pure unadulterated sap. It grows every day, becoming more significant than her and them, it is so much a part of her now, that she would not separate this from herself even if she could. She would not give this up for all the stars in the heavens. Tom and his love were so integrally intertwined with who she is now that sometimes she wonders where she ends and he begins.

Her hand tips the glass she was holding up to her mouth and finished the last of the synthenol she had been nursing while half listening to the conversation. Miral would be holding out for a feed when she got back, stubborn little thing just like her mother. The thought made her grin. She couldn't wait to get out of this pretentious ball. What she wouldn't give right now to be in Sandrine's on Voyager. Her dress was too formal, her feet where sore and her hair was in some formal updo that was killing her. Tom loved this, he was working the crowd as only Tom could. But all B'Elanna could think of was that it had been a long month. They needed some time to themselves. She didn't know how the Captain did all she did and still looked the way she did tonight. A small frown creeps onto her face.

Something has been going on tonight. She can't quite place the feeling, but Tom has been unusually quiet and was continuously watching the Captain. It was like watching him trying to work out the last kinks in a holonovel, and he was getting frustrated because he couldn't quite get the right coding into the system. Something was bothering him. When the Captain had walked through the door tonight her jaw had dropped. The woman will never stop pulling surprises on B'Elanna. That dress was something else. How she managed to hide this side of herself for 7 years, she didn't know. Harry nearly swallowed his tongue and Chakotay… the man almost had a stroke.

What was on his face when he looked at her belied every piece of crappy scuttlebutt she had heard tonight about him and Seven. No way would a man look like he did at the Captain and be dating someone else. The p'tak nearly ate her up with his eyes. He went hunting for her soon after. But the Captain is not easy prey to stalk, she was an expert at evading the hunter. B'Elanna had been enjoying seeing her giving him the run around for most of the night. Needless to say, this caused a fair amount of talk in itself. No-one looking at them tonight could deny that something was about to happen. The chemistry between the two when their eyes met before the Captain looked at the man at her side who was eagerly trying to gain her attention, was like watching fireworks explode. A fuse had been lit tonight.

She knew her friend. She knew him better than most and what she saw in his face was enough to reassure her that the rumours doing the rounds were just that, rumours. She sincerely hoped that now that they where back things would work out for them. They could singe the eyebrows of Tuvok with all the suppressed sexual tension that was present with those two. Good heavens, it made her fan herself just thinking of it.

The music was changing rapidly in the background, and the ballroom had thinned significantly of brass. Most of the people remaining were Voyager crew members, and the party was finally rolling to an end. The speeches had been completed, and the commendations were given. The Captain had an Admiral role to step into once she gets back from the 6 months leave she was entitled to. The leave was not optional. All members of the crew had been informed that if they wished to remain in Starfleet, they had to take some time away. After seven years of very sporadic and short-lived shore leave, 6 months stretches like an eternity in front of her. She couldn't wait.

B'Elanna looked around at the people she spent so much time with over the last years. She had so many memories of them. Harry was laughing at something Tuvok had said, and the way his eyebrow shot skyward told B'Elanna more than anything that he did not see the reason for the very obvious amusement. Chell joined the conversation, and soon he too was laughing with Harry.

These people were part of her family. And they surrounded her and protected her. Nobody could ever take the feeling they inspired away from her. They were finally home, but she would not trade the time she got to spend with them for anything. She would miss them terribly when they scattered to the stars in the coming 6 months.

She had lost track of Tom in the throng of people and decided to go find him. Patterson's droning was still going on in the background, and she would make an utter fool of herself if she were to be pulled into the conversation now as she had stopped listening long enough now to lose track of the conversation altogether. She snorted, and Owen gave her a slight frown. She took the hint and excused herself quickly.

B'Elanna walked to the last place she saw her husband and was about to make a break for the balcony where she could see Tom standing with his back to her when the Captain stepped up to him. The Captain stopped and looked back for a moment and said something to someone outside before stepping through the doors and placing her hand on Tom's arm. A frown pulled the smile B'Elanna had forming when she spotted Tom and made her stop in her tracks. Something in the Captain's face was…off. She started forward again but then Tom turned around and his eyes locked with hers briefly.

Something in B'Elanna pulled tight.

Her eyes fixed on his face and watched as he dropped his gaze to the woman at his side, to the door and back and then they started across the ballroom towards the exit. He was gently steering the Captain, and she followed. B'Elanna couldn't understand why this seemed so wrong. Then the light went on.

Kathryn Janeway never followed. She leads the way, she was always the one that others followed. For as long as B'Elanna had known the Captain, she has never ever allowed herself to be lead around like she was doing now. She forged her way through a crowd, commanded attention and respect. Something was wrong. Something had happened. B'Elanna's eyes stormed to the balcony doors and then flipped back to where Tom was trying to divert attention away from Kathryn as they passed.

She made her choice and quickly stepped through the doors to the balcony and firmly shut them just as fireworks explode in the sky, her body tensed, ready to take on whatever came her way. Her gaze was drawn through the darkness and found the man standing bent over the balcony railing with fist balled. His breathing was hitching through his chest like he was struggling to get air into his lungs and B'Elanna stepped forward in concern.

A new volley of fireworks explode in the sky, rendering the look on his face in stark technicolour for all the world to see, and her gasp hitches in her chest as she watches sound tearing soundlessly from his mouth, drowned by the explosions in the background. It was like he was rendering the world in two. The pain that was stark on his face etched itself into her memory, and she instinctively went closer to him. B'Elanna couldn't understand what would make Chakotay react like this, but the blind panic on his face when he swung around to her instinctively made her place a steadying hand on his chest.

The groan that tears through him at the contact slitters into her and lodged painfully in her throat. His eyes barely acknowledge her but scatter over her head toward the balcony windows, trying to step past her. She halts his forward motion again and takes a deep breath.

"Easy there big guy. Take a breath, you are as white as a sheet. No need to put the crew on red alert looking like you do." She hears the concern in her voice, but she tries to keep her voice steady, calming, soothing him. He looks ready to bolt at the drop of a hat. Concern and worry set into fear. "What the hell is going on Chakotay?" She sees him sucking in a steadying breath, see him taking control of the panic and reign it back in. The shift in his shoulders, the harsh movement of big muscles and then the firm step back before he lifts his eyes to meet hers.

No.

This man couldn't have done what he did. Chakotay was the most loyal of people she had ever known. He did not love easy, he did not tolerate fools easily. But who he loved and the people he trusted were precious to him. The man was loyal to a fault, and his loyalty to the Captain is what helped them get through seven years of hell. Their unspoken feelings were the one constant in their time on that ship. But what she saw in his eyes made her doubt everything that she believed of him. Because the guilt and the raw pain there could only mean one thing.

Curse after curse spew from her mouth, and the vileness coming out in streams is still not enough to get the bitter arsenic taste out of her mouth. "You are a damn P'tak!" And before she can stop herself, she shoves him, hard. She is breathing hard and denial streaks through her.

"Why did you do it?! Is it true?" He flinches at her words, and for a moment she closes her eyes as everything she knew about him crashing to the floor in bitter disappointment. She feels tears sting the back of her throat in bitter acceptance. She knew he loved the Captain. They all did. The way Chakotay looked at her was like a dying man looked at his salvation. She knew that things had been awkward between them, but she never expected this. Her belief in his constancy was shaken, and it made her question so much. Because if she was wrong about this….

His eyes flew over her shoulders again, and she sees something flash over his face. The guilt is replaced by determination, and he stepped forward again. And finally, her fury fully rears its ugly head. She was hopping mad. Stupid, stupid man. What was he thinking! His eyes are forced to meet hers again.

"Please…". The word notches emotions another notch or two, and B'Elanna feels like pulling him apart. Her hands open and closes, and she can feel the anger bubbling like lava. This wasn't right. He shouldn't have done this. Why was she this mad at him?

And then it hits her like a starship.

Kathryn was the mother she always wanted. She loved her. Kathryn was family, she was precious to her. And this stupid, stupid man in front of her who she cared about equally as much, had gone and stuffed up her family and her happily ever after.

"Please B'Elanna, let me fix this, let me go to her."

He was begging. Chakotay was begging. What the hell?! Everything felt upside down and top side up. This couldn't be happening. He loved Kathryn. He said he loved B'Ellanna. And once again her world did another flip.

"So help me Kahless, you have done enough. What were you thinking Chakotay?! Seven?!" Her hand automatically pulls towards her head to tear through her hair in frustration, only to encounter the hairpins that had been slowly giving her a headache the whole night. In her anger she tears her fingers through the carefully constructed hairstyle, scattering pins everywhere and the sharp pain of her hair being pulled out at the roots grounds her in this moment. She steps into his space, ready to shove him again, but instead looks up at him and spits at him:

"You fix this. You fix this Chakotay, or so help me, I will never forgive you." The tears that spring to her eyes are unexpected. It catches her off guard. Stupid breastfeeding hormones. How is it possible for her to want to kick him and cry all over him at the same time? The look on his face speaks volumes to her, he was sorry all right. He would fix this. He had to. He pulled her into his arms for a hug, and she goes willingly, hugging him back fiercely. He lets go, and she turns and watches as he steps past her, and disappears through the door.

And all she wants to do is go back to Voyager and the Delta Quadrant. Earth sucked as Tom would say.