Soul mates
I don't know how you are so familiar to me — or why it feels less like I am getting to know you and more as though I am remembering who you are. How every smile, every whisper brings me closer to the impossible conclusion that I have known you before — in another time, a different place — some other existence.
- LANG LEAV
CHAPTER 5
Almost five months after the homecoming ball…
"Kathryn you need to come home!" Phoebe's face filled the monitor screen, and Kathryn closed her eyes against the pleading in her eyes. Once again she wasn't ready, she needed more time.
"Please, Kath…please just come home. We miss you. I don't know what is going on with you, and I understand that you needed some time after coming back, but its been 4 months. Please. Mum really needs to spend some time with you." There is a sound in the background and Phoebe briefly flicks her gaze over her shoulder. Her eyes returned to the screen, and she sighs deeply before she continues. "At least send us a video link message, just so that we can see you. Mum is anxious. It's been long enough, its time to come home and spend some time with us, you didn't say much in the letter you left." The noise in the background distracts her again before she turns to the screen a final time."Please Sis, just come home. We love you, hope to hear from you soon." And with that, the message ends. Phoebe almost never called her Sis. The last time she did that was when Daddy and Justin had died.
Kathryn closed the monitor. The message had been left for her two weeks ago. She sighs, drops her head and rubs the back of her neck as a tension headache took hold. She feels the bones at the end of her neck and pulls her hand away. Even this reminded her of him. There was no-one to tell her to eat anymore.
"You ok Kathryn?" The man that steps into the room grumbles at her as he gingerly stepped past the desk where she was sitting and her head lifts to meet his eyes. His light blue eyes flicked over her, missing nothing. He was prematurely grey, and his hair was a shock in comparison to his unlined face, but it was his eyes that really grabbed you and made you uncomfortable. Nobody she had ever met, had eyes like his. They saw more than you wanted to, and they revealed more than they should. It wasn't normal for someone to carry that much anguish around. His eyes were old, ancient for someone his age.
Kathryn dropped her gaze away from his and stared at the screen in front of her. Was she ok? She honestly couldn't say. It felt like an eternity had passed since that night. She refused to let her mind wander to that night, she couldn't face it as yet. She needed more time, but she could feel it running out faster and faster. How do you answer a question that you don't know the answer to? Her gaze flicks up to his, and her voice rasps past lips that haven't said much over the last months: "I will be. In time." The surprise on his face is comical, and she smirks up at him.
"She speaks!" He says throwing his hands in the air walking around the desk before pulling her to her feet. Her laugh escapes before she can help it, and he stops abruptly. Gives her a hug, and then looks down at her seriously. "She laughs. Should I expect dancing and singing? Because if that's the case, I need to go get some whisky." She swats at him as she pushes him away and moves out of the office and into the living room of his cabin before she enters the kitchen and calls over her shoulder: "Tea?"
"Jupiter's moon No! How do you drink that stuff?! It's disgusting. Just give me a cup of coffee pls and get one for yourself." The cup she was in the process of removing from the cupboard connected a little too hard with the countertop, and she quickly pulls her hand back, looking at the shaking of her fingers as she does so. The smell of freshly percolating coffee hits her nose, and she feels the way her stomach heaves. Her eyes close tightly, and she squeezes the countertop tightly, focussing on the way the tight grip made the bones in her fingers ache. She takes a deep breath, and the smell hits her again. Another deep breath and the feeling like she is about to be sick settles slightly.
"Kathryn?"
She steadies herself, mentally shakes herself down, slowly released her grasp on the countertop and steps back. She looks across at the percolator like it was a Vidian before she approached it and filled the mug she had picked up. She takes shallow breaths while doing so to try and minimise the sick feeling the smell induced. All need for a cup of tea gone, she turns and brings the coffee back to him.
"Here you go." She practically shoves the cup at him before she goes to sit down on the furthest lounge chair close to the fire, the heat slowly filling her icy hands with warmth. She leans back into the cushions and pulls her feet up in front of her.
The buzzing in her ears settles slowly, and the familiar sounds in the cabin soothe her frayed nerves as they start penetrating. The crackle and pop of the fire, the creak of the chair Jonas was sitting on. She hears the way he sighs when he takes the first sip, and memory of that feeling pops into her head and makes her lips quirk in response. She missed it. But the smell…she just couldn't stand the smell anymore. She knows why the Admiral stopped drinking coffee now, she understood. And it didn't help her one little bit, it didn't make any of this any better. SHE hadn't made anything better. Kathryn pulls her thoughts in tightly, gently rubbing at her eyes as she did so, consciously relaxing her shoulders and releasing the breath that felt trapped in her chest. This internal monologue always ended the same. She had to stop doing this, it was pointless.
His chair creaks as he stands and moves towards the kitchen. Kathryn hears him refill the cup before he retraces his steps back to the living room and to his chair.
"Its time Kathryn. You cant keep on hiding here. Eventually, you are going to have to go back and face whatever it is you ran from." His voice is like a bucket of cold ice water, and her head whips around to him.
"Are you kicking me out?" Her eyes locked with his and refuse to back down.
He chuckles and shakes his head at her. "You know that you can stay here for as long as you want. All I am saying is that it is time. You need to get back to your life, its time to start living again. Staying here with me is not good for you." His blue eyes held hers gently, and finally, Kathryn drops her gaze. She knows he is right, but she needed a little more time, she needed to face up to what happened and find a way to move forward.
The sigh rolls up from her chest and gently puffs over her lips. "I know. I know its time. Just give me three more days."
"Two!" He bargains, and she huffs another laugh at him.
"Done! I would have settled for one!" She spits at him, and his laughter rumbles around her like a storm thundering in the distance, creasing his face in lines and furrows. She smiled ruefully and watches him chuckle as the laugh comes to a rusty end.
"I can see how you managed to get back in 7 years instead of 70."
She smirks again, and stands up and stretches her back. "Time to get back." She says as she lifts her hands above her head. " I will see you in two days. Think you can get John over here for a ride back to the transporter station then?"
He takes another sip from his cup and unfolds his massive frame from the chair he had been sitting on. "Should be fine. I will let him know." He walks across to her and gently wipes a hand across her cheek. "You know I didn't mean to push. But Tom sounded desperate. He hasn't said why, but I think you maybe need to give him a call and let him know you are on the way back."
Kathryn closes her eyes and nods lightly before she steps up to him and gives him a hug. " I will see you later. Thank you, Jonas. For everything." She steps back and turns and heads to the door to put on her boots and jacket before she pulls the door open and steps out onto the porch surrounding the cabin.
"You are welcome, Captain. Anytime" his voice follows her out and she hears him step through to the kitchen before she closes the door. No doubt he was getting another coffee. Sometime soon she will have to sit down with Tom and ask him how he knew Jonas. Jonas never talked about it, just said that Tom was an old friend from a long, long time ago.
The bite in the air nips at her neck, and she shrugs deeper into her jacket. She shoves her hands into her pockets and runs her gaze over the profusion of colours that greet her as she steps up to the steps. Autumn had always been one of her favourite seasons. The leaves crunch under her feet as she starts the walk toward her cabin. The fresh air places pop of colour on cheeks that were too pale and gives her a glow that has been absent for far too long. She tips her head back and takes a deep cleansing breath before she slowly paces back along the trail that would lead her under a canopy of red, gold and brown. She loved this. The wind playfully kicked up some leaves, skipping them ahead of her on the path and she watches the swirls and curls they made. Some birds in the trees where crisply ringing out strings of notes that was thrown around between the trees.
She had forgotten this. Forgotten these small moments. How much a moment held in a place like this. How much life was found at this time of year. The sound of an animal scurrying across the path up ahead makes her smile. She knew that he would be waiting for her. A bundle of black fur scrambles around the corner of the trail and bounds up to her, tail wagging so hard his whole body shook with it.
"Hey, Shadow." She bends down to rub his head before she continues along her way, and the dog follows her much like his name suggests, carefully and to her left. When she first met Shadow this habit he had of following along her heels on the left made her eyes sting with tears. Now she was grateful for the company and the ears he lent when she needed someone to talk to.
Ten minutes later she hears the sound of the water and the smell filters up her nose along with damp earth and moss. As she rounds the bend Shadow sticks his nose just past her leg and pops his head up towards her. The chuckle pops over her lips, and she shakes her head at him.
"You know you will freeze if you go into the water. Go have a drink then come up to the cabin." She wags a finger at him as he kept looking up at her like he understood every word she was saying. "Don't be Silly now. Go" she says and points to where the stream was happily skipping over the riverbed and under the bridge she stepped onto to cross to the cabin that sat waiting for her on the other side.
Shadow barked and then took off like phaser fire towards the water, barking madly and making Kathryn laugh. She stopped for a moment and looked at his antics as he wildly snapped at the freezing ripples while dancing around in the shallows. A squirrel to his left made him spin and dash further towards the trees, and he disappeared barking into a bush.
"Don't go too far!" She yelled after him as he crashed through the trees in a mad rush to find the squirrel that was already sitting up the tree snickering at him. Silly dog. The smile stayed on her face as she walked up to the cabin. Her eyes thoughtfully locked on the colour covered ground in front of her.
It was only when she stepped up onto her porch that she became aware that she wasn't alone anymore. Her hand stopped halfway to the door as goosebumps broke out over her skin. Her eyes closed briefly before she took a deep breath. And so reality had found her. She squared her shoulders and without turning opened the door to the cabin and finally broke the silence that had helped her heal.
"You best come in Commander, it will be dark soon." And she disappeared into the bowls of the cabin.
Chakotay stared at the spot she had just been. And relief made him stagger slightly before he stood back against the wall of the cabin to take a breath.
He had found her.
Ps: sorry for keeping you waiting, this story is taking on a life of itself, and I feel like I don't have enough time to write down what comes out. More to follow soon.
