A way out
Do you know what it is like,
To lie in bed awake;
With thoughts to haunt
You every night,
Of all your past mistakes.
Knowing sleep will set it right —
If you were not to wake.
CHAPTER 6
She couldn't remember how she got to the transporter station. She doesn't remember leaving the ballroom, or the route she had followed to end up here. She feels a gentle tug and turns to find Tom next to her, speaking to her, but she struggles to hear anything above the loud rushing in her ears. On some level, she knew that she was probably in shock. She knew that the last months of additional pressure with debriefing added to a load that used to be shared for seven years. But she had chosen to keep him at arm's length. And tonight was the final nail in a coffin that pushed her over the edge. There was a part of her that was desperately trying to snap out of it, but the more significant part, the part that hurt and missed him and what could have been, what should have been, was just in agony.
Tom placed his hands on her upper arms and was rubbing up and down, probably to try and get some feeling and heat into her. She felt numb. His voice seemed to finally filter from far away, breaking through in spits and spurts.
"Captain…..Kathryn you need to….listen to me!" Her eyes connected with his when her name was used. His face was creased with concern, and he kept rubbing his hands up and down her arms. She shivered and looked around her slowly. Her voice felt sluggish, but she finally managed to rasp the words out. "How did I get here Mr Paris?" Tom closed his eyes briefly and then stepped back to remove his tuxedo jacket and wrapped it around her shoulders. She felt drowned in it, but the heat felt wonderful against her frozen skin.
Tom glanced around them and then frowned over her shoulder before he came to a decision. He steered her across the transporter station to a technician at the desk who directed them towards a room to the left of the hall designated for Starfleet personnel. Tom guided Kathryn through the doors and up toward the transporter platform before turning back to the man standing behind the console waiting for coordinates. A hushed conversation took place, and the man suddenly came to attention and glanced at her before he nodded and quickly stepped across the room towards the door and disappeared from sight.
Tom hurriedly started inputting data into the console. He glanced up at Kathryn and freezes. He remembered that look on her face. It was there every time they lost someone on the way home. And it was there when she lost her father and Justin, but tonight…tonight reminded him of a time he wanted to forget. He had seen this woman face down the Kazon, the Vidians, and finally dealing a blow to the Borg. She did not buckle, and she did not falter, but tonight, out of uniform and without Chakotay's bulk behind her left shoulder she just looked small, vulnerable and lost. Kathryn Janeway it seemed, had given her heart away some time ago.
Though they suspected and the scuttlebutt regarding the command team was always busy, he had never really understood just what Chakotay had meant to her. It was all just speculation and ration winning opportunity without really realising what it must have been like for both of them. Because he had no doubt that what he saw tonight went both ways. Chakotay's face when he looked at her tonight… The man had taken a blow that would shake anybody.
As for Kathryn… it seemed she loved like she did everything else…at full speed with everything she was. And tonight he got a front row seat to what happens when a woman like her finally broke.
It was devastating to watch.
He wasn't sure that what he was about to do was the right thing, but she needed some time. Some time to grieve, and some time to pull herself together. And she couldn't do that with all the press coverage she was exposed to. It was pure luck that they managed to get out of the ball without being spotted by some snap-happy news person.
He wasn't sure what exactly had happened between the two people on that balcony tonight, but he had heard the scuttlebutt about Chakotay and Seven. But just this once he refused to believe that she would have to give another part of herself for her crew and her promise to get them home. Because if he knew one thing, its that the woman standing on that platform would without thinking twice, and without reservation do anything for her family.
And he suspects that tonight she had given one of them the ultimate sacrifice.
Her heart.
Tom felt his own heart spasm in sympathy for the small woman who seemed so much more substantial in life than what she indeed was. Kathryn Janeway was after all, still only human. Stronger than most, able to carry the world on her shoulders when it was demanded of her, but still so very fragile in her humanity. All his protective instinct kicked into overdrive and he knew that no matter what she deserved some time. And he knew just where to send her.
He walked back to where she was standing on the platform looking at the door like she was waiting for someone to come through it. She knew Chakotay would follow her. He patted down his tuxedo jacket that was still wrapped around her shoulders, finding the pad hidden in one of the pockets and he started inputting a message onto the device.
"I am sending you someone. Kathryn needs a place to stay and rest. Look after her, keep her safe. I will contact you as soon as possible." He hit send, and the device made a sound that it was received by the recipient.
"Acknowledged", pinged back and the device went silent once more. Tom quickly inputs another message and addressed it to Kathryn before placing the pad back into the pocket of the jacket and wrapping his hands around her shoulders once more. "Captain. I need you to look at me." He said slowly trying to get her attention.
She slowly turned her head towards him.
Kathryn didn't understand what he was asking. Her mind kept wanting to go back to that moment on the balcony, she kept wanting to remember the feel of being wrapped in his arms, not the feeling of being covered in this jacket. Her eyes kept jumping to the door. And then Tom gave her a slight shake.
"Kathryn! Do you need a place to stay?" His voice was firm and his eyes connected with hers. And just like that, her world collided with reality, and she sucked in a breath. Pain sliced through her, and she closed her eyes against the onslaught of memory playing the scene on the balcony on a cruel loop behind her eyelids. Tom's hand firmed on her arms and grounded her slightly at this moment and she focussed on her breathing, focussed on moving air slowly in and out of her chest, concentrated on the way her chest wall was screaming in pain, and forced herself to push through, to shut down everything but what Tom was saying. She was a Starfleet Captain damn it. She could do this, she could focus on what this man was trying to tell her.
A sound behind the door made her eyes fly open, and she could feel panic slowly creeping back in. Deep breath, in and out. Shoulder the dread, shoulder the pain. All of her training slowly kicked in, and she focused finally. Clear eyes turned to Tom and her eyes connected with his. Kathryn knew what he was offering.
Time.
Time to stop, time to let go, time to finally learn to live a day without him.
She had known Tom for a long time. She had seen him at his worst and at his best, but nothing would ever make her love this man more and feel more proud for being called his family, than standing here today, knowing what he was willing to do for her. She placed her hand on his shoulder and gave a small smile. Her eyes sparkled brightly under the lights, and Tom pulled her towards him, wrapping her in a hug that they had never shared before. "Are you sure you want to do this Kathryn?" He asked with his mouth close to her ear. She gently pulled away and looked up at him.
"Yes." The word was sure, and it ripped another piece of her apart and left it bleeding. She needed this. She needed to find herself, it was time for Kathryn to come home, and time for the Captain to go on a much-needed vacation. She just wasn't sure how she was going to do that.
Raised voices behind the door, caught her attention again, and Tom saw a flash of pain cross her face before she faced him again.
"He will fight you on this. He will not accept this or make it easy for you." Her voice was rough, and she sounded exhausted. Tom glanced behind him when the noise at the door picked up another octave and determination crossed his face when he looked back at her. "I can handle the big guy." His voice is strong and sure, but underneath it all, she saw concern and worry. He grips her hands tightly and looks earnestly into her eyes. "I will try and give you as much time as I can." He hesitates briefly then starts again. "Captain are you sure that you and the Commander…". He falters, and a slight flush creeps onto his face as her face shuts down any possibility of further questions. Tom steps back slightly, take one last long look at her. Nods briefly before he steps back across to the console.
He makes the final adjustments and implements a code that will remove all trace of the transport from the console before he looks back up at her. "Jonas is an old friend. He knows you are coming."
Suddenly there is shouting at the other side of the door, and he sees the frantic horror in her eyes as one voice clearly becomes audible through the door. She turns pleading eyes to him just as the door bursts open, and Chakotay nearly falls through the door with the transporter technician flapping around his shoulders. "Let go for Kahless sake!" He roars at the poor man. His eyes connect with Tom's across the console, and he turns toward the transport platform just as he hears Tom saying "Energise!"
"Kathryn NO!" He roars as he stumbles toward the platform but the man still holding on to him makes him stumble, and he blindly grabs for her and misses. The last thing he sees is the woman he loves disappearing in a transporter beam. The bottom of his world falls out, and a sick feeling almost makes him heave. Anger sliced through him and he stumbles to a stop in front of the platform.
She had walked away. From him. Again.
And for the first time since this thing between them had begun with him stepping onto her starship he is furious. How dare she?! How dare she do this?! The gall of the woman. He loved her, he will always love her. She had come back from the future to tell him she loved him, to open up a wound that he thought was slowly healing, made his heart sing inside his chest and then she just walks away. Not once, not twice, but three times. His body turns to a wall of vibrating anger and the man still holding on to him slowly let's go and backs off.
Chakotay slowly turns towards the console, and for the first time, Tom understands why they sent a starship after him into the badlands. This was the man that had been on Starfleet's most wanted list. Finally, he swallows heavily, and he wonders if he really will be able to handle "the big guy" like he told the Captain.
"You have five seconds to reprogram that console and send me after her Tom." His voice is eerily calm, and his stillness is the only thing that warns Tom that this man is not as cool as he appears. He slowly backs away from the console and sees the sneer on Chakotay's face right before he starts stalking across the room towards Tom, never letting him out of his sight.
Tom keeps backing up and then stops. He straightens his spine, squares his shoulders, and he lifts his chin. "No." His voice stops Chakotay in his tracks.
For a second Tom thinks that Chakotay will leave the room, but instead, a growl escapes his throat before he becomes a blur as Toms gets smacked against the back wall of the transporter room, and his head is painfully pushed back against the wall. Tom purposefully relaxed in the grip Chakotay had on him. He would gain nothing by fighting.
"That was not a request, and you do not get to keep my Captain's location from me." The irony of his words was not lost on Tom. And a smile cockily creeps up to his face before he smirks,
"You are a fool Chakotay, and she deserves better."
B'Lanna's voice cuts through the room. "That is enough you two! Let my husband go Chakotay!"
Chakotay ignores her command, keeps his focus on Tom, and then he growls out so only Tom can hear. "I know she deserved better damn you. But I love her, and I need her." Tom's eyes widen, and for a moment he considers granting the request but then he remembers Kathryn face from a moment before.
No.
The Captain needed this. She had asked for this, and he had promised her time. He doesn't need to say anything. Chakotay swore under his breath and lets him go abruptly and then backs away slowly.
"You can't keep her hidden forever Tom. Eventually, I will find her. I will remember this day Paris." And with that, he turns around and stalks past the pale transporter Tech. B'lanna looked at the man like she only just realised there was a stranger present for this little disaster that just played out. She walks across to him, puts her face right into his and softly says: "Talk, and I will make your life hell. Do you understand?" The young officer couldn't be more than 20, and he pales in front of her like had just seen his own death.
"Yes, mam!" And with that, he quickly leaves the room.
B'lanna looks at the door for a long time before she turns to Tom. "Well, that went well." The sarcasm drips from her words. "A little more of a heads up next time would be appreciated, Tom. What were you thinking?! You do not know what he will do to find her Tom." She snaps at him.
And then Tom bursts out laughing. "It's about time he started chasing her properly B'lanna." He grins at her.
B'lanna rolls her eyes at him and links her arm with his as she pulls him toward the transporter console. "You have a death wish Tom Paris. He is going to turn the world upside down looking for her." Tom pulled her to a stop and became serious. "Do you think I did the right thing?" He voices the concern he had since he stepped into the transporter centre this evening. B'lanna linked her hands around his neck and pulls him towards her, kissing him gently before she pulls away to put her fingers lightly through his hair.
"You are a smart man Flyboy. Have I ever told you that?"
PS: Sorry this took so long. Been trying to get this done in between life and all that. Hope the story is still enjoyable. I know there are probably errors. Apologies if this affects the reading. Enjoy and let me know what you think.
