THREE QUESTIONS

What was it like to love him? Asked Gratitude.

It was like being exhumed, I answered. And brought to life in a flash of brilliance.

What was it like to be loved in return? Asked Joy.

It was like being seen after perpetual darkness, I replied. To be heard after a lifetime of silence.

What was it like to lose him? Asked Sorrow.

There was a long pause before I responded.

It was like hearing every goodbye ever said to me —said all at once.

-Lang Leav

CHAPTER 8

He had tried everything that he knew of to try and find her. Official channels, unofficial channels, her family, crew members (he nearly punched Tuvok when he started talking about if the Captain wanted him to know, blah blah blah), and after almost five months of dead ends, of nights, spent worrying, he had ended back at the Paris household.

He had been so angry at Tom those first months. He had been livid. B'Lanna came to see him a couple of times, but he could barely look at her. And so when she came to see him last night they had an argument. He said things he was not proud of, and she had lost her temper badly. She had told him some things that hurt, but they were the truth, and here he was standing in front of their front door, about to ask them a final time to help him.

He closed his eyes, and last nights memories play inside him like a bad comedy.

"You where lonely?! You where lonely! And you thought to date Seven was a good idea?!" She spat the words at him. The contempt on her face is enough to turn his stomach. "You know I never understood what it was with you and the Captain. I saw you drifting apart, and I saw what those years had done to you. But for Kahless sake Chakotay, even a blind Targ could sense what you two felt for each other." She turned away from him and walked towards the window.

"She had her protocols and her regulations B'Lanna." The explanation falls from his lips, and even he is revolted by the words.

"Did you tell her you loved her?" She asked bluntly. "Or did you just assume that she had to telepathically know?"

He sits down on the chair slowly, exhausted by lack of sleep and by the energy needed to continue with this conversation.

"Kathryn knew, she always knew, " he says slowly, pointedly.

B'Lanna sighs heavily and moves across the room to sit in the chair opposite him.

"Chakotay, she didn't know. Why else would the Admiral come to you from the future? Think about it. She didn't know. You never told her that you loved her. You told her a story about staying by her side, but you never actually told the Captain that you loved her." She takes hold of his hand across the table.

He stares at her for a long time and the words the Admiral said to him just before she left plays back in his mind…

'I can't ask you to love me. I can't ask that of you if you already love another…but if there is even a chance that you love me, no matter how slim. Then I beg you. Please, please do not give up on me.'

Slowly the realisation hits him square in the gut. His stomach turns violently, and he can feel the blood draining from his face.

No.

'I will give you the time that I should have given you when I was out here. This is my gift to you. What you do with it, is your future to make, and whomever you share it with is for you to decide.'

It couldn't be that simple. Surely she knew. She had to know.

All those times that they spent together, all the times they had dinner, all the touches the meeting of eyes that he thought would have told her what she meant to him, he finally sees it from her perspective. He was always professional, he never crossed a line too personal with her, worried that he would place her in an awkward position. He even told her there were lines they never crossed in an alternate timeline. Seen from her perspective, he kept a distance, he never passed a line that could be seen as too intimate, she was his best friend, and that's all she thought he felt for her.

He was an idiot.

The groan rips through him, and he drops his head on the table. He was the most stupid man on the planet, no in the damn universe. How could he possibly forget something as simple as telling her? Another groan rips through his mouth, and he bangs his head on the table.

B'lanna snorts from the other side, and he whips his head up. He drags his hands down his face and looks at her with the horror of it all on his face.

"Yep, thought as much. You think a woman should just know when you have fallen for them. For two people who were almost living with each other you spent so much time together, you sure know how not to talk about the things that matter." She stands up from the table and starts getting her jacket and bag together before she walks towards the door. She stops just before she activates it and turns back to him.

"You owe Tom an apology. And you owe Tuvok one too. You have behaved like a damn fool. When you are ready, come for dinner, we can talk, and then we can see how we can help you to clean up this mess you have made." She smiled at him gently and turns and walks out the door.

He stayed seated on that chair for a long time. Years of interactions between him and Kathryn ran through his mind. And finally, he sees. Kathryn always backed off, she flirted, and she played the game but because she never knew where she stood with him, and he was so damn focused on toeing the line, she never really knew what she meant to him. So she did what Kathryn Janeway always did, she pulled back to protect herself. She knew he cared for her, as a friend. But he never told her that he loved her. She believed he had fallen in love with Seven, so she had set him free.

Damn her and her self-sacrificing ways.

The sun came up when he finally got up and walked towards the shower. He had a lot of planning to do. He had to go and find the woman he loved. And then he had to convince her that he loved her and he wanted to spend his life with her.

But first, he had to go and grovel. Humble pie doesn't taste all too sweet when you had Tom Paris smirking across a table at you. This was going to be a story he will never hear the end of.

So here he is. Standing in front of their house, pressing the automatic identification buzzer, when the door slid open to reveal Tom Paris with the biggest damn smile ever on his face. Chakotay feels his neck heating, and he sheepishly tugs on his ear.

And of all of the things that he thought Tom would say, he floored him with what came out of his mouth.

"Welcome to the club Old Man! B'Lanna has been singing about the stupidity of men since she left your place." And he pulls him into the house like Chakotay hadn't behaved like a total Ptak over the course of the last couple of months. He takes his jacket from him and hangs it in the hallway closet and starts moving further into the house, but Chakotay stops him.

"Tom…" he starts roughly.

Tom stops with his back facing him, his back tight and the air thick with something Chakotay struggled to identify. He turns around swiftly and steps up to Chakotay. Looks him dead in the eye, and anger that makes Tom Paris look older than he is, hit's Chakotay square in the chest.

"Chakotay if you love her, truly love her, then I will help you. But if you are standing here today, because you think you have to do this because of any other reason, I need you to turn around and leave." his words are low and dangerous. "Kathryn deserves some happiness in her life. She is the strongest person I know, but if you ever hurt her again..." and he steps right into Chakotay's personal space and puts his face right into his. "I will do everything that I can to make you regret it for the short amount of time you will have left once the rest of the crew finished with you." The threat is said with so much intent and so menacingly low that it makes Chakotay swallow hard.

"I love her. She is stubborn, and she is mouthy and beautiful and intelligent, and I love her more than she will ever know." His voice is rough and low, he drops Toms gaze for a moment before he looks back up, eyes bright. "I will make her happy Tom. I swear to you, I will make her happy. She means everything to me."

Tom looks at him searchingly for some time. Then he smirks across at him before he pushed him backwards.

"Now about that apology, and what you owe me…" Chakotay groans and Tom starts laughing as he walks further into the hallway.

For the first time in five months, Chakotay smiles.

He leans back against the cabin, and the intense relief he feels to be back in her proximity is staggering. He had missed her. He had missed her so damn much, and now he could hear her moving around inside, just on the other side of this wall. He takes the time to savour this feeling. For he was never leaving her side again.

He stood straight and moved towards the door and notices how she is calmly making some drinks in the kitchen. Her back facing him and he sees that she has lost some weight, she appears that much smaller, but she seems healthy if a little pale. Her hair was loose, flaming over her back. The last time he had seen her hair free and like this was on new earth. It is so good to just look at her that his breath catches when she finally turns to face him. Her face is calm and relaxed, she is the woman he met on Voyager's bridge years before. The time alone had done her good. He smiles at her, and her mouth pulls in return.

"Its good to see you, Kathryn." He says as he walks further into the cabin towards her. Her eyes flicker for a moment when she hears his voice, but then she walks towards him and hands him a cup. "Its good to see you too Chakotay, but I must say that I am surprised to see you." And she drops his gaze to look down at the cup as she was sipping it. His smile freezes on his face, the hurt that rips through him, a surprise that hits hard. He didn't see it coming.

"Really Kathryn?" he asks with his eyes focused on her, before he pushes his hand, frustrated through his hair. "Why? Did you not think that I would come for you after what happened at the ball? You can't just kiss a man like that and then walk away." His voice strains over the last words. Hurt that he had been keeping in check for five long months turning his words harsh in his own ears.

She slowly looks up and meets his eyes silently. Kathryn wraps both her hands around her cup before she slowly walks towards the door. " Come and enjoy the evening with me." she calmly says as she moves past him. She sits down in the armchair outside and slowly sips at her tea. Careful to not jump to conclusions about his arrival. He needed an explanation. She owed him as much considering he was in love with someone else, and then she threw herself at him. Twin flames bloom in her cheeks before she dips her face towards the cup again to hide her face with hair that she had regrown long for the Homecoming Ball.

He had followed her out and sits down on the rocking chair, placing the cup of tea on the railing next to him. The wood creaks under his weight. He runs his hands over the arms of the chair appreciatively and admiring the hours of work that had gone into the production of the piece of furniture, putting his focus on the composition of furniture rather than looking at her. He can feel her eyes on him. So he takes a deep breath, closed his eyes, sits back, and rocking slowly he tries to calm himself before his hurt and anger ruin this for them.

For the first time since he met this woman, she doesn't know what is coming. For a couple of minutes, he sits rocking next to her. Savouring the feeling of having her back next to him, where she belonged. When he finally opens his eyes, he catches her eyes running over his face, concerned. And hidden so far he almost missed it, he finally spots the emotions that he could never quite place when she looked at him like this. Pain, longing. She quickly drops her face into her cup, and he realised for the first time that she always did that when he caught her looking at him. She hid what she felt. Because she believed that he didn't love her.

Oh, Kathryn… he smiles gently. And instead of anger and hurt, his love for this stubborn, intelligent, and beautiful woman who loved him so much that she would give him up if it meant he would be happy, fills his soul. She who would travel back in time to ensure that he was content and alive even if he loved another. He felt humbled by the love she had shown, even if it was a her from another timeline.

Kahless, he loved her so much that it felt like a physical presence.

Tom was right. He didn't deserve her, but oh boy, did he want her. Chakotay watches as she moved slowly to place the cup next to her chair. Then she stands gradually to walk towards the railing keeping the night at bay, watched her tip her head back to look at the first stars that are making an appearance. It vividly brings back memories of a night, not too long ago when she was dressed in a dress that made him ache. Silently he gets to his feet, the chair not giving his intent away.

He feels the way she tenses when he steps squarely to her back, not to the left, but right behind her, even, close. So close he knew that she could feel his chest brushing her back. This time he wasn't going to let her run. He had finally caught up with her, and he was damned if he was going to let her go. So before she could say anything, he turns her to him quickly, crowds her against the railing, feels her chest against his chest, could feel her heart thundering in her chest, could feel the moment the fight came over her.

Then she did exactly as he knew she would. She cocks her head back, blue eyes firing up at him, and he can see the Captain sparking back a challenge at him, hands coming up to push him back a step. But this time he was ready. This time rank, regulations, protocols, not even Tom Paris would stand between him and this woman whom he had loved since the first moment he saw her.

So Chakotay did what he had wanted to do since he stepped onto her bridge almost eight years ago.

He crashed his mouth down on hers, his arms crushed her to his chest, and he ravages her mouth. He allows his body to pull her so tight against his that he can feel every inch of her. He holds her like he won't ever let her go.

She makes a sound in her throat, raw, and he gentles his arms around her but it feels like tinder catching flame, and she comes alive in his arms. She stretches up against him, and wraps her arms around his neck, pulling him tighter against her, trying to climb into him. Her tongue slants across his, and the taste of her makes him lose control. He lifts her easily onto the railing and groans when her legs wrap around him, bringing her flush against him. Her hands greedily feel across his shoulders, down his chest and almost angrily pulls the fabric of his clothes out of her way to get to his skin. His hands wrap around her waist, and her sweater rides up slightly bringing his hands into contact with her skin.

The silk of her skin breaks the last of his restraint, and he pulls his mouth away from hers, hungrily kissing down her neck, drowning in her scent that was intoxicating him. His hands push upwards tangling with hers, ripping fabric over her head before his mouth catches hers again. Plundering, exploring. Her hands make contact with skin on his chest and electricity fires across his skin, causing him to gasp and allowing her time to push his clothes out of her way.

She pulls herself up against him kissing him, and the world tilts on its axis when she crushes her breasts up against his skin. His heart thunders in his chest, and his breath catches with the overload of sensation. Years of dreams, years of longing, nothing prepared him for the feel of her. Skin so soft, her breasts pushed into him and her hands clutching at his back, running down his sides, desperate for more.

Kathryn moaned, and the sound shatters through him. He lifts his head, his hands so shaky that he grips the railing next to her tightly, locking her in place in front of him, straightening his knees to keep them both steady. Then he looks down at her, and the image is something he knows he will never forget for as long as he lives. His breath stutters past his lips in a sigh then he gasps to fill his lungs as his heart is beating so fast it feels like it is climbing out of his chest and into hers.

She was magnificent.

Her hair was wild around her face, her eyes closed, face flushed and her lips bruised by his mouth. Her pale chest was pressed up against his, the line of her shoulders glowing in the last amber light of a dying sun, setting flame to her hair. She was so beautiful that it made his chest hurt. And when she finally opens her eyes, he says the words that he had waited a lifetime to speak to her.

"I love you. I have always loved you. I will always love you, and nothing, nothing will ever change that. You are mine, and I am yours. You have always been, since the first moment I saw you on the bridge, and the first time you claimed me with a hand on my chest. I wanted to tell you that so that you know. So that no matter what crazy, stupid things we do in the future, you will know, and you will never ever doubt this again." The words rushed out of him hard and sure. His intent not to leave an ounce of doubt.

He would never forget the look on her face. Kathryn looked at him, her eyes shining from her face like two sapphires, the love so evident in her eyes took him by surprise. She opens her mouth, but nothing comes out, and for a moment he thinks that she might cry, but then she smiles so gloriously that she makes his breath hiss to a halt.

"I love you too Chakotay," she merely states like she had said that so many times before it came too easy, and finally the holes that had been ripped into him so many times over the years, filled with the knowledge that she was finally his. Kathryn, Kathryn Janeway, was finally his.

Kathryn drops her legs from around his waist and pulls herself into his chest below his chin, wraps her arms tightly around him. She feels him lowering his head to hers, and his massive body envelops her.

Finally, she was home.

They stay like that for a long time.

When the cold made itself felt, Kathryn looks up at the man who she knew she would grow old with, and she smiles gently. She threads her fingers through his hand and pulls him behind her into the cabin. The door closes behind them, and Shadow gives a big yawn where he was sitting on the bottom step. He saunters up against the steps and sits in front of the door, his head cocked to one side, listening to the two people inside before he jumps up onto the old lounge chair Kathryn had sat on, did a couple of circles to get comfortable and snuggles into the fabric with a huff, his nose buried in Kathrynn's sweater that is half hanging off the front. And with a faint sniff, he closed his eyes, the soft sound of laughter lulling him further into a deep sleep.

Ps: loved writing this. The first edition was spilling out so fast I couldn't keep it in, but I have gone back and edited this and feel happier with it. Hope this rendition makes some of you smile.