Chapter Three
Over the next few days Lily threw herself into her project and forgot about stupid James, with his stupid hair, ridiculous shoulders, and his annoyingly gorgeous smile.
Her days started to blur together, anything to take her mind of how she felt standing on the street watching him walk away from her.
She would get up, get herself ready, eat a couple of granola bars for breakfast if she felt like it, and if she didn't feel like it, she'd throw them in her bag to eat later. Then, after all that, she'd go to the dance studio, where they were being more than generous about letting her use the space gratis. Once there, she would work out her routine, practice, eat something, practice, make corrections, and practice some more. Finally, she would go home when the studio kicked her out, eat again, practice on the roof until it got too dark to see, and then collapse in bed, too tired to move.
There were a few things that brightened up this monotony. Remus and Sirius sent her regular snaps, and texts. She even got a snap of Angel with Remus telling her he missed her, and Sirius was out of control without her.
She was standing in their tiny kitchen trying to find the motivation to go to the studio again when Sirius called.
"Morning darling, what's the plan for today?" He asked when she answered
"Nothing more than normal, just about to head out."
"Please for the love of god, Lils, do something else today. You need to rest, even the rehearsal natzis here give us days off to recover. I wish I was there to look after you."
"You? Look after me?" She scoffed. "Angel said you are going wild without my influence." She could picture the hair flip in his response.
"Angel is keeping my boyfriend all to himself. They don't give him the same days off as me. So of course I'm going to create a little mischief." She rolled her eyes. "Don't roll your eyes at me, sweetheart. I know you too well."
"I wasn't." She replied all too innocently, he chuckled.
"Promise you'll take today off? Don't make me quit this shindig and come running home."
"I promise love."
"It's going to be amazing, Lils. I can feel it. But it's never gonna be anything if you don't look after yourself."
"Yes, okay don't be such a nag."
"I only do it 'cos I love you darling."
"I love you too. Give Remus an uncomfortable hug from me."
If she thought about it, she was feeling a little tired today. Her calves were aching and her shoulders were stiff. She needed a really good stretch and she hadn't eaten many proper meals beyond sandwiches in ages. Sighing she changed out of her dance clothes and grabbed her yoga mat.
Molly's was not her favourite place to go on her own, but it was close to her place, cheap, and the specials were always really tasty. Molly was a really good cook, and always piled way too much on Lily's plate. With a full stomach, she was feeling much better about taking a day for herself. She needed to make some calls, and ask a few favours anyway. After her chat with Sirius she felt a little more confident about dealing with things she had been putting off. She would set her yoga mat out in the park and enjoy the day.
She looked at her phone again, studying the message she had received a few days earlier. The message she had been trying to forget and obsessing over simultaneously.
JAMES
Hope you're doing ok
Haven't heard from you
I'm sorry about the other night
I was a jerk, but you annoyed me, so I
Just couldn't stop myself.
She had read it over so many times she knew what it said without looking, she sighed and looked out the window trying to arrange her feelings. She rubbed her eyes, then tapped out a reply.
LILY
It was all my fault, I'm sorry too.
Do you wanna meet up?
Looking down at the message with her finger hovering over the send button, she decided against it and deleted it instead. This is ridiculous, what am I doing? Determinedly, she typed out another message and sent it before she had time to think herself out of it again.
LILY
I'm sorry too. I was being a bitch.
I would like us to try and be friends?
She put the phone back down on the table and it buzzed almost immediately.
JAMES
Sure thing ;-)
She smiled at the screen, feeling a little bit better, and less alone in this big city. Although she didn't really know how she could be friends with someone that she just wanted to throw herself at. Someone that she fantasized about running her fingers through his hair. Someone that she pictured kissing her neck while she breathed in the scent of him. Shaking her head to clear her very non platonic thoughts, she got up and went to the park to try and clear her mind.
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James was going for a run. He was going for a run, and he was going to enjoy it, then he would find somewhere else to write. Somewhere away from this brick box he was living in.
There was nothing wrong with the place, as far as brick boxes went, it was a very nice one. Remus had good taste, but just over week of solidly working and only sleeping when the words started to swim in front of his eyes, he knew he needed to get out.
Before he selected a playlist, his fingers twitched over the call button. Should he invite her for a run? Find a way to build something between them, whatever it was they now were, friends? Could he stay just friends with her? He had apologised even though it hadn't been his fault in the slightest, and it had taken more self control than he thought he possessed to turn her down and walk away. But she had been trying to manipulate him, something that set off alarm bells, because he would not be the pawn of another woman, never ever again.
He had been angry and infuriated with her, but then he had spoken to Remus. Told him everything that had happened after they said goodbye at the bus.
"She's going to hate me now," James said, he could hear laughter over the phone.
"I highly doubt she'll hate you," he replied, clearly amused, "no doubt frustrated at the time, but it's clear she likes you."
"Was I stupid to walk away?"
"Some men would say you were, but those men are not deserving of Lily. And it is those type of men that Lily is used to."
"What does that mean?"
James heard Remus sigh and could picture him clearly shaking his head.
"All of Lily's past men have let her down. She has never had a healthy relationship, to the point she stopped expecting anything from them, apart from the occasional brief hook up. The fact you turned her down, because you want more than that probably means more to her than you know."
"She didn't look very appreciative at the time, trust me." He snorted, "I don't know what to do. What should I do Moons?" He had not meant to sound so pathetic, but Remus could obviously hear the desperation in his voice.
"I wish I could tell you the answer, but I'm not exactly an expert in this area. Reach out to her, send her an apology."
James spluttered at the thought. "But she's the crazy…"
"Don't call her crazy. Take the higher ground and say sorry. It will make it much more difficult for her to ignore you. Provided you don't want her to ignore you." James yelled in frustration momentarily placing the phone against his head. When he spoke again his voice was calmer.
"Why am I bothering about this? I should just leave well enough alone. I have had enough of fucked up relationships, concentrate on my work."
"And who was it that gave you inspiration to write?" Remus voice was gentle, like he was reminding James of something important, and yet there was also the hint of smug satisfaction. "For some bizarre reason, only Sirius knows, he told Lily to leave you alone. I am rather annoyed at him about that."
"You can tell him no matter what happens he's not going to lose me across the ocean again, and he has no right to decide the fate of his friends."
"He knows." Remus put such emphasis on those words James knew they'd had a discussion about it, there was a pause while both men thought their own thoughts until Remus continued. "Apart from this are you doing okay? Do you need me to send you anything."
"I'm fine, Moons, honestly. It's nice to be my own person. I'm gonna go, send my love to Pads, speak soon."
"Look after yourself, and send that text to Lily, she might not reply straight away but give her time. Whenever you need to chat just call, love you man."
"Love you too buddy."
He had sent a text to her two days later, not knowing what to expect back, deciding that whatever she offered he would be okay with. Waiting for a reply had been hell, but she had. Replied that is. And they were now 'friends', and he had absolutely no idea what that meant.
So he was going for a run. Without her, he decided. Then he was going to email his publisher, and he was going to get on with his fucking life and stop thinking about Lily Evans.
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Lily beamed at her team of dancers, eternally grateful to each and every one of them for doing this for free. She knew they were also there in the hope they would get a proper gig from it, but she hadn't guaranteed anything. She couldn't think any further past this showcase so promising to give anyone a job past that was impossible for her.
The weeks of hard training had been worth it, they were finally ready, and just as well as the panel was the very next day. She reminded them all to check their phones for the location of the performance, and they all hugged her warmly as they left, filling her with praise for the choreography. She took their compliments with smiles, and nods but the internal struggle with self doubt was loud in her head that day.
The normally soothing shower at the studio didn't help, that and the the fact she couldn't get hold of any of her friends. Angel's tour was on a lockdown because of some leaked lyrics to a new song, and not being able to talk to them was making her feel lonelier than ever. She looked at her reflexion in the changing room mirror, before she quickly dried her hair with the hand dryer, she looked washed out. She needed to talk to another human about her worries.
She looked at her phone, her constant companion and holder of all her friends and councillors.
Should she call him?
They had been exchanging slightly flirty, slightly teasing, texts for a while, along with bantering and talking about their day. He had sent her a picture of him all sweaty after a run, with the caption something to get all hot about.
It had gotten her hot, very hot indeed.
She had sent a pick back of her midriff after a rehearsal. Anything you can do I can do better!
It was all fun and light, they never spoke about anything troubling them, never suggested meeting. They flirted from afar, each from inside their own comfort zone.
She found his number high in her frequent call list, and feeling as though she were stepping into new territory, she sent a text.
LILY
Hey.
Do you have a min?
She didn't expect a reply straight away, so she slid the phone into the back pocket of her jeans shouldered her bag, and left the studio. It wasn't until she was halfway towards the park she felt it buzz.
JAMES
Hey, Everything OK?
LILY
I have a big dance thing tomorrow and I am freaking out about it.
Remus and Sirius are in some kind of lockdown and I can't get through to them.
She took a deep breath and looked at the words on her phone before adding the next line of text.
Can we meet? To talk?
Lily stared at the three dots for ages, they disappeared but no text arrived, she closed her phone and thought perhaps it was too difficult to be friends, still strange and uncomfortable. Finally it buzzed.
JAMES
I'm really sorry Lily, I would love to but I can't right now.
This is NOT a no I just have a meeting.
As soon as I'm done I can meet you?
LILY
It's okay, I'm fine.
Don't even worry about it.
She put her phone away, annoyed at herself for being slightly upset. Of course he was busy, it was a perfectly normal thing to be. He wasn't turning her down, he just had other plans. Feeling low she changed direction to the cozy little coffee shop she knew was on this street. They made the best hot chocolate, and she was going to drink a bucket of it with a massive slab of chocolate cake.
She just so happened to glance in the window before she walked in, of all the fucking places. James was there, looking gorgeous in a dark red button down, and happily smiling and laughing with a leggy blonde with a severe bob, who was wearing a beautiful flowery dress.
Lily froze, her jaw dropped. He was meeting a girl in her secret cafe. Not even Sirius knew about this place. She spun away from the window as he looked up, terrified he would spot her, fuck!
She pressed her back against the wall hugging her bag, her heart pounding, ignoring the sideways glances she got from a few passers by. Was the whole fucking world against her? With a deep breath she pushed off from the wall heading for the bodega instead, and the biggest tub of ice cream they had.
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James looked up as he saw a flash of what he thought was red hair at the window, and frowned when he didn't see any person with it. Shaking his head he went back to his conversation.
"I think December twelve gives you plenty of time don't you think?" He smiled and nodded in reply to his companion, as she made a note in her diary. He loved when people still liked to use pen and paper.
Paper was real, it reminded him of books. Books should be held, cared for, spines cracked and words inhaled, pages turned slowly with every line cherished, they should fill rooms in homes, and change people's lives.
"Yes, that sounds great he replied," he felt his phone buzz in his pocket and used the excuse of writing that date in it to check it.
LILY
Don't worry about meeting up,
I made a date with Ben and Jerry.
He frowned at his phone, then looked back to his publisher who smiled back at him gently.
"I'm so pleased you have come through the darkness. This new direction your work has taken is exciting."
"Thank you for trusting me enough to give me the time I needed." He replied. She stretched out a hand to where his was resting on the table and patted it gently.
"I'm here for you, if you need me." She withdrew her hand with a little smile. "It's my job after all." She stood up to leave and offered her hand to him, he stood up to shake it, remembering another surprisingly firm handshake.
"It was a pleasure, Mr Potter. It's always a privilege when I can finally put a voice and a face to the words on the page." He returned her kind smile and fiddled with his hair as he sat back down, staring at his phone.
Shit, what do I do? He wanted to call Lily, he liked to hear a person's voice. He made better decisions when he could hear the tone used when speaking. Their recent back and forth had been a different experience for him, he had felt completely out of his depth. The pictures she had sent him, the flashes of flesh that hinted at things were driving him a little wild with desire. He had told her she would not win, but this was a game she seemed to know the rules far better than he did.
This new direction of the text game was changing the rules again. He knew Lily was unhappy, knew he was probably not the person she wanted to talk this over with, and not even he had time for her. He sat staring at his phone for a long time and not getting any closer to making a decision. Eventually he typed out a text and hoped she would call him.
JAMES
If you ever want to talk,
about anything, I'm here.
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Lily stood enveloped by the familiar darkness of the theatre stage. All she could hear was the deep breaths and fidgets of the dancers around her. She wriggled her toes and felt the coolness of the floor through her soft soled shoes. This was going to be perfect, this was going to be the beginning of something new for her. She closed her eyes and shook out her arms wriggling her fingertips and pushed herself up on her toes before planting them firmly again.
"When you and your team are ready Miss Evans." An unfamiliar voice called from the stalls. She nodded, even though she knew they could not see her, and listened for the music. To her group she said quietly as the lights came up,
"We've got this guys. Just stick your marks and follow through every line. Ready? one…two…three..."
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Monday night football was one of the biggest things James had missed while living in South Africa. True enough it had been available through cable, or on a couple of streaming websites, but time difference had made it more like Tuesday morning football and it was not the same.
He was missing his friends, missing being able to talk to them. Remus was a great sounding board, and had shown a surprising amount of knowledge of romantic fiction. Looking at the pictures plastered all over the fridge made him miss them even more.
He was lounged on Remus' comfortable enormous couch, a couple of empty beer bottles at his feet, completely relaxed. His phone started to ring, he was curious about who could be calling him at this hour, hoping that perhaps the lockdown had ended, he looked around for his phone but could not see it. Shit where is it? Standing up he listened to try to locate it and realised he must have left it on the bed.
He scrambled up the stairs but it had rung off by the time he found it.
Lily had called. She had actually called. He slumped onto the edge of the bed staring at her name, wondering to call her back when it pinged for a voicemail. A very loud Lily was on the other end.
"Well, of course you don't answer your phone, I mean why should you?" Lily's voice slurred. "Your probably having an amazing time with that hot piece of ass I saw you with." He heard a slight sob in her voice. "While I'm at home in my PJ's drinking wine out the bottle." There was a pause as he heard the fridge door open. "Why do I always have to fuck everything up? You are so goddamn hot and I am such a coward. I've tried so hard to be a good friend to Sirius. He's concerned I would break your heart again, so I thought, easy - I'll just stay away. But then I have dreams about your fucking shoulders, and the way your shirt clings to your arms, and the way your smile curls at the edges of your lips." He heard the quiver as she took a shaky breath. "I'm so fucking lonely. Do you ever feel that way? Even when you are surrounded by so many people? I don't even know why I'm calling you, it's not like you owe me anything. I miss cuddles," she said wistfully then seemed to realise what she was saying. "This is ridiculous , what am I doing?"
There was a thump like she had put the phone down without ending the call, her sobs could be heard clearly. James listened to her cry, his heart breaking for her, until the message ran out.
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Lily woke to a pounding that she thought at first was inside her skull but realised it wasn't. Next she thought it was the TV she had on too loud again, but there was Ryan Gosling playing piano and she looked at him in confusion. Another knock rang out through the apartment.
"All right! I'm coming." She yelled back, wrapping the blanket around her shoulders as she shuffled to the door and opened it.
Why the fuck was James Potter standing in her doorway?
His cheeks were flushed and he was breathing hard, some of his hair looked a little damp, like he had been running. His forearm was leaning against the doorframe above his head. He was wearing comfortable charcoal sweats and a green hoodie, he looked as gorgeous as always.
There was an intensity to his look as she opened the door that her alcohol fuzzed brain couldn't process, because pissed up and lonely Lily had convinced herself that James Potter had moved on, that she had screwed up any chance she ever had.
He must only be here as a friend checking up on her. How nice of him to ditch his girlfriend to do that. She drew herself up to her full height and best posture.
"Hello James, come on in," she said, stepping aside and gestured grandly for him to enter. He continued to stand there in stunned silence, trying to catch his breath. He looked her up and down, as if he was waiting for her to do something dramatic. "For crying out loud James, come in! I'm watching a movie, come and sit with me." She left him still standing in the door and wandered back into the living space. With a deep sigh James stepped in and closed the door behind him. Lily sat down on the sofa as if she was ascending a throne and patted the space beside her. James sat down slowly and cautiously as if he was still expecting her to suddenly turn into some kind of hideous monster.
Lily was feeling very happy to have James here. She reached out to grab the wine bottle again but James swiped it before she could.
"I'll get you a different drink," he mumbled getting up again, returning with a tall glass of juice from the fridge. "It will stop the hangover if you drink now, vitamin C is important." With a shrug she took the glass and drank it thirstily, as he joined her once more on the threadbare couch.
Placing her now empty glass on the coffee table, she decided to make herself comfortable, and James looked like a perfect cushion, she leaned into his side throwing his heavy arm over her shoulders before laying the blanket over them both. He did not protest, just let his hand rest on her hip where she had placed it, his thumb grazing the strip of bare flesh above the elastic of her pyjama shorts. He coughed slightly before speaking.
"Why were you drinking again? I thought you had a big audition?" It was a valid point, she supposed. Why was she drinking again?
"Yeah well I did that, and now I have to wait to hear what they say so I decided to drink, because I can now" she felt James shift slightly beside her, adjusting his position. His hand gripped her hip slightly as he shifted his weight. She ignored the swoop in her stomach at his touch. "We always drink and watch soppy movies when we are waiting for news, it's the rules. Now shush so i can watch the film" The film she had not paid much attention to all night, but James' thumb was sliding across her flesh and giving her goosebumps.
"What film is it?"
"This is La La land." She replied.
"I can definitely relate," he replied half to himself
"I'm surprised you came over." She was feeling very warm against his body, her eyes blinked at the TV not taking any of it in.
"Of course I came over, you sounded upset." He took a breath. "You said you saw me with someone?"
"It stands to reason a guy like you wouldn't stay single for long," She surmised with a snorting sound at the end she definitely did not mean to make. "She looked pretty, well the part of her I saw looked pretty, blonde, nice dress" She was feeling very comfortable wrapped in the blanket with him. "You were sitting in my coffee shop." Lily's eyes grew heavy and she laced her fingers through James' still sitting on her hip. "Thanks for coming over," she murmured sleepily as she drifted off, she vaguely felt him lift her hand to his lips and press a kiss there.
"The woman you saw me with was my publisher. I haven't moved on from anything. I know this is all new territory for you, it is for me too, but I have been doing a lot of thinking. Sometimes it feels like all I ever do is think about my life. Clarissa was a horrible human being, I was too blind to see that, it makes it difficult for me to dive in again so quickly. But being with you makes the emptiness in my heart fill, and that scares the hell outta me too. I want to be the person you think of, the one you call. You told me you have dreams about me well I have dreams about you too. And one day I want to make all those dreams come true, for you." Lily's breathing had changed halfway through his speech, he knew she was on the edge of sleep, wondered if she had heard any of it at all. Trusting that she would not remember, and trying not to disturb her he reached for the remote and changed to football.
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Lily woke up feeling surprisingly refreshed considering where she had slept. She was still resting on James' chest, her legs between his, her hip very close to his groin. She flushed slightly at this over familiar position, as she tried to move slowly, she felt one of his arms slide off her back to the floor, the other stroked her hair down her back. She didn't really know what to do with this new situation so carefully she lifted herself up and off his body, and gave a relieved sigh when he didn't stir.
She picked up the blanket that had fallen on the floor and laid it over him with care. His glasses were on the floor so she folded them and placed them on the table where she saw one of her notebooks lying open and an unfamiliar hand written all over it.
Your skin is soft and glows like stars
Your hair is the colour of sunsets
Your eyes shine so bright so full of life
The colour of summer forests
I listen to your breath and it brings me peace
Your heart could hold mine in its arms.
Lily's heart gave a little extra skip when she turned to look at him, she reached out to brush a strand of hair from his face, but her back gave an uncomfortable niggle due to her less than ideal sleeping position, so she went to her room, changed into her yoga gear, grabbed her phone and earphones and climbed up to the roof.
The air was calm and cool this morning, summer was becoming a faint glow on the horizon. She flicked through her songs, she wanted to dance this morning but not any pre planned routine or some up beat pop song, something soothing that could help her stretch out a bit and clear her head. She hit shuffle on her playlist and put in her wireless earphones. As the sounds of the city disappeared she was enveloped by the familiar comfort of music. If dancing was her first love, music was not far behind.
Only a human by George Ezra started to play and she started to dance.
Losing herself in the music, she tried to forget about the man sleeping on her couch, the man who had come when she called him. The man who had been meeting his publisher. He had done nothing more than hold her comfort her, be kind and understanding. A man who wrote poetry, a man who wanted more than she had ever given, deserved more than she could give. She started to spin, using the limited space to turn around the edge of the rooftop, there was water in her eyes she didn't notice didn't care. She kept going until she crashed right into James' chest.
